Latest / Founder Talk with Alex Sheridan / The HIDDEN Truth About Why Founders Stay Stuck (It’s Not Strategy) | Jill Monaco on Founder Talk

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The HIDDEN Truth About Why Founders Stay Stuck (It’s Not Strategy) | Jill Monaco on Founder Talk · Founder Talk with Alex Sheridan

• 0:00
  All right, so joining us today is Jill Minako, a best selling
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  author, founder of Freedom Coaching and ministry leader who
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  works with high performing founders and leaders on
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  something that most people overlook, which is what's
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  actually happening underneath the surface.
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  Because the truth is most founders think they're stuck
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  because of strategy hiring systems or something like that.
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  But in Jill's world, and in reality, it's usually something
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  deeper. Fear, control, identity that
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  they've tied to the business without realizing it.
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  Some of this may be ringing bells right now.
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  I know it is for me. And until that gets addressed,
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  there's no amount of tactics or strategies or AI that will fix
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  the real bottlenecker problem. So Jill, welcome to the show.
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  How you feeling today? I'm good.
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  Thanks for having. Me.
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  Good, good, awesome. OK, so let's, there's a few
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  things I want to highlight that like I, I guess top three things
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  that stood out to me that when I read them, I was like, whoa,
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  this is something that I personally can relate to and
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  I've gone through and still go through sometimes.
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  And then there's just like what you coach founders on and what
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  you guys work through day-to-day that I think is going to be
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  really interesting and valuable for the audience today.
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  So a few things that I want to make sure that we at least touch
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  on at some point in the show #1 is you're not driven by success,
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  you're driven by the fear of becoming someone specific.
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  A lot to go into that one, to your superpower and yourself.
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  Destruction are the same trait. I wholeheartedly believe that
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  can be the case. And #3 a lot of founders have
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  been completely outsourced to their identity, to the business.
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  When the company wins, they're feeling incredible, they're on
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  top of the world, they're doing amazing, other family's good,
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  everything's good. When they're struggling and
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  they're in a dark place and it seems like that trickles down to
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  other aspects. I know I've been there.
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  Raise your hand if you've been there, you've probably been
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  there. So so let's start with this.
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  Then we'll come back to some of these and we may even just
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  organically touch on these as we're talking about them.
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  But if I'm a founder listening to this right now, you know,
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  we've got some successful ones that have build amazing
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  businesses. We've got some ones that are
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  maybe going through challenging times.
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  We got some that are earlier on in the journey.
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  They may be listening to this feeling like I don't know if
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  I'll have fear or identity. I don't know if I have any of
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  these issues. I'm doing fine.
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  You know, I'm rolling through my business, we're growing, we're
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  doing shit. What would you say with some of
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  the symptoms would be that they might want to look out for that
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  maybe are happening throughout their life and their business
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  that is going to slow them down. If they don't watch it, that
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  they come to you and you kind of notice and start picking up on
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  them. Maybe they can start having some
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  aha moments. Yeah, that's such a good
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  question. I think every founder is
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  different based on their personality.
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  That's why these personality assessments are so great because
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  one person might think they're failing, but it's really
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  something they're supposed to outsource.
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  And so one main thing founders do is they grind on the things
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  they think they're supposed to do because that's what everyone
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  else is doing. And that's actually killing
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  their momentum, their passion before you know what they're
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  stuck in, whether it's the details or kind of The Who I'm
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  supposed to be. And, and so I think a big sign
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  for me when I'm listening to them is the the grind to the
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  hustle. I got to make this happen
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  working hours that aren't feasible because if you look at
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  different buckets, the work bucket is full, but where's the
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  personal bucket? Where's the rest?
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  Where's the rest? And fun is so much more
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  important to being successful than people realize.
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  And so I look at all the buckets and see really if we have a
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  balanced life, we're more likely for those things to pour into
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  our business. But what if you're a founder
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  saying, I just love to work though, Joe?
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  Like that is my fun. That is my excitement, that is
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  my rest. I just, I love being, you know,
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  doing my thing every single day I'm working, you know, sometimes
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  around the clock. What do you say to that?
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  Yeah, yeah, I'm, well, I'm preaching to the choir on that
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  one because I love what I do. And I'm even laughing because I
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  worked over the weekend because I just, I didn't have anything
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  else to do and I wanted to. I had a project in my mind and
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  it was joyful. But then I also paced myself
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  during the week. And I think this is the beauty
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  of being a founder. If you hit a wall all around
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  Wednesday and you know you're a little more tired than take 1/2
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  day off. And so I think that's what it is
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  at the balance that we get this adrenaline and energy and
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  creativity and we should go when the energy's there.
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  But what we don't do and where we get into trouble is when we
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  press through when we're really tired.
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  I mean, there are seasons to press through for sure.
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  This is launching this new product.
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  But if we're always pushing through, then we're going to
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  burn out. And those signs look like family
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  problems. It's like the fruit of the tree,
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  like what's showing up? What's the low hanging fruit
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  really? Family problems, not having fun,
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  being cranky, having headaches, getting sick.
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  You know, there's physical symptoms as well as relational
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  things. Those are the first two things I
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  see. And then if people are willing,
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  we can dig underneath of what is actually driving that behavior.
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  So if there is AI need to do this to feel successful, to make
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  my loved ones happy, everyone needs to provide.
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  So we don't, you know, criticize is that, but is what you're
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  doing actually sabotaging what your goals are?
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  And as a founder, how do you know if you're working too much
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  or you're grinding too much? Cuz one common thread I've
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  interviewed and had conversations with a lot of
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  founders just personally and with the show.
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  Obviously one common thread is like, we all work a lot, you
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  know, and, and it doesn't like when I get up in the morning at
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  night time when I go to bed, which is pretty early because I
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  get up at 5:30 and then I'm, you know, within 15 minutes I'm
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  doing some type of creativity work.
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  You know, it's not like checking emails and like client stuff,
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  but it's, you know, I do a little bit of reading, a little
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  bit of stretching, a little bit of like deep breathing.
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  And then I get into like, I want to do something creative for the
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  first 20-30 minutes because I want to before I get into
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  reactive mode. But I, I, when I go to bed at
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  like 9930 and I'm like, literally, I can't wait to wake
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  up. Like I'm just like, why do I got
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  to go to bed now? I hate that I got to like sleep,
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  you know, and I try to get good sleep every night, 7-8 hours,
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  but I'm like, not thrilled. I'm like something like, Oh, my
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  bad. I don't want to get in the
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  morning. I don't want to do this, you
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  know, and I'm like, I wish it was 530 because I just want to
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  do it again. And I think there's, I've
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  noticed that with founders that they have that, that it's not
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  necessarily even the money or revenue.
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  It's just like they have a desire to want to work on their
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  craft or like build their thing. But at what point do you say,
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  OK, maybe it's, it is too much. You know, the things that you
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  look at in relationships or, you know, if I say I have a great
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  relationship with my kids and my, you know, my spouse is
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  happy, my friends are good, I'm healthy.
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  Do I just keep doing my thing? Like what?
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  What are the signals that might tell you that something's off?
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  Well, I mean, as a coach, I'm really wired to ask questions
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  and so if someone says everything is good, they're most
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  likely not going to be coaching with me, you know?
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  Yeah, everything's fine. Yeah, everything's great, but
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  right, We normally run into people when they're like, I'm
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  losing energy, I'm not excited in the morning.
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  I've got this staff problem that I can't figure out how to solve.
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  And so those are the kinds of things that I end up coaching
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  around. And even if it's a staff
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  problem, it's really an US problem.
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  It's a, an internal thing, whether we're afraid of conflict
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  or we're just exhausted by the communication with them.
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  And so, but for someone who's just happy and excited, I would
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  say ask your family, are they happy?
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  Ask your spouse, are we good? You know, and just kind of get
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  some feedback 1st. And if everything is good, then
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  God bless you. Just keep going, you know?
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  So yeah, I wouldn't try and find a problem if there wasn't one,
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  but I usually don't come across people like that.
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  Everyone has their thing. I think everyone has problems.
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  I'm definitely not trying to say I don't have any problems.
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  I definitely do, but not. At 5:30 in the morning, you
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  don't because you love that time.
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  Maybe three. You kind of hit the wall.
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  I would say, yeah, three, 4:00, I start feeling it's actually
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  weird. Yeah, I'd say almost like 2/3.
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  4:00 is like when I'm the saddest, I would say ironically,
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  And I don't mean like I'm sad, like walking around moping, like
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  feeling down about shit, but I'm just, I feel, I don't feel as
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  excited. I feel like I'm overthinking
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  things, you know, just I do hit that 2/3, 4:00 and then once
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  kind of five or six passes and it's like, all good.
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  Yeah. It's a weird moment in time.
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  Do you feel like you? How do you handle that?
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  Do you take a break at that time?
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  I'm sorry, I'm jumping into. I was going to say.
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  This is perfect because it's exactly what I'd love to do on
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  the show. It's just like real life
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  workshop. What do I do at that time?
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  I usually just keep working. I mean it depends on the days
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  cuz some days I pick up my girls.
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  So that's kind of exciting, breaks up the day a little bit,
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  the work day and then I get back to it usually later.
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  But if I'm working, I'm not picking them up.
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  Then it's usually just I continue to work, but I feel
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  like I'm not as in the zone, I'm not as productive you.
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  Know so I wonder what it is that keeps you pushing through
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  instead of finding out well at this time, if this isn't my
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  optimal time, how can I do something?
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  What can I do different that still brings me as much joy as
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  5:30 in the morning? Some people are opposite.
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  They're slow in the morning, but 3:00 is when they get going.
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  So if we work with the way we're wired, we're more likely to be
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  more productive and happy. So I would do some self
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  reflection and ask like what else could I be doing right now
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  that feels life giving instead of pushing through?
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  That's a good point because I think that's exactly how it
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  feels. And I mean, maybe it is that
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  little bit because when you've been up since 5:30, like by the
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  time two or three o'clock 4:00 rolls around, it's like it's
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  you're going on 10 hours, you know what I mean?
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  Almost. So it's like it's maybe it is
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  just, hey, I reset or I do a workout or go for a run or
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  something, you know, and then come back to it.
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  Yeah. It's like you just need maybe
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  that mental break. I sometimes, I don't know if you
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  deal with this with people, I'm sure you deal with founders is
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  sometimes you. I almost feel guilty if I'm not
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  working or being productive. I feel less like that.
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  And this is a good hopefully insight for founders and
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  entrepreneurs listening. When I'm laser focused for the
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  1st 678 hours of the day, then I feel better like kind of letting
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  a little bit go because I'm like, I was, I got shit done.
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  But when I was like a little bit distracted or I was going in
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  between LinkedIn messaging, you know, emails, stuff with the
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  team, checking a piece of content or, you know, you're
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  just kind of bouncing around. Not the bad stuff, but just
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  like, it just feels like I'm just bouncing around to the next
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  thing. Then it then it becomes where I
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  almost feel guilty sometimes of not doing stuff, you know, and.
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  I'm so when you're bouncing, you're not getting as much done,
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  is what it feels like to you. Yeah.
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  And then the other day I did something which was really cool.
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  It worked really well is that I had like an hour between
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  meetings and I was like, Hey, instead of this one hour, be
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  more reactive and just going towards e-mail just came up.
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  I responded to this or LinkedIn message.
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  I wonder if it's client, you know, checking a piece of
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  account, whatever it is. I said I got one hour to finish
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  this project for a client. It was a content strategy.
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  I needed to finish how for a client and I just said I'm going
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  to I'm going to have one hour to do this.
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  I'm not going to stretch this out to where it's like I'm
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  thinking about it later in the day now because I was like too
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  busy checking emails and shit. And it worked and I just said,
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  this is it. Everything else, my phone was
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  away, my e-mail shut down. One hour.
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  You got one hour to do it or it's gone.
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  And it's almost like I said a deadline to myself.
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  But then once I was done, I was like, cool, now I can get back
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  to my calls and I'm like, I finished that thing.
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  Mentally I can like move on. I've got space now.
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  Yeah, you know, it's like the open loops.
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  If we have too many open loops, then most people feel like
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  things just about that. ADHD people kind of love it.
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  Like it keeps them going when they've got a lot of things.
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  People who have like achiever in their strength finders, they
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  really like making the list and checking it off.
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  So some people love that. Some people are more visionary.
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  They could care less about a checklist.
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  So it really depends on how you're wired and what works for
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  you. So for me, I, I felt that way
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  like if I had too many things I was bouncing between, I didn't
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  feel like I got anything important done.
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  So I created containers during my week.
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  So I coach on, you know, two days a week and then I have one
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  week where I'm doing creative, creative work and writing.
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  And I won't do phone calls and I won't check e-mail for the
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  certain amount of time because I want to stay focused.
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  And I think Michael Hyatt was the one that said he doesn't
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  take any calls on Fridays. And so when I heard him say
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  that, I was like, could I do that?
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  And so I think we learn right from podcasts like this where
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  people give their tips. And so now Friday is kind of
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  like my garbage can day. Friday is like anything that
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  didn't get done during the week that I thought I'd get done
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  because everything, at least in my world, everything takes
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  longer than I think it will because I'm a high achiever.
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  I get stuff done. I'm always creating new things.
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  I run a non profit. So we create a lot of free
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  things. And then I have people who call
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  that I wasn't expecting, but I guard my Monday and Friday.
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  Those are my days where I'll say to someone, I'm so sorry, I I'm
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  already booked. Can we book another time?
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  And so unless it's an emergency, but, but though keeping those
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  containers is keeping promises to myself.
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  And when we keep promises to ourself in our containers, we
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  don't. I don't feel scattered or
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  chaotic, and I think that's important.
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  That's so good. I guess somebody else might say
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  that's a time block. Yeah, right.
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  Sort of way. Yeah, I kind of, I kind of deal
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  with the podcast. I've we only record on Tuesdays
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  for the most part. And it kind of is my creative
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  day. It's my contact, you know.
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  Yeah, I think it's, I think that's very helpful.
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  I think it's very helpful the time.
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  Because you can stay in the zone then.
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  Yeah, and I just, I don't know, I'm sure other people run into
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  this too, but it just feels like there's so many distractions
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  now. Yeah, there's social media,
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  there's emails, there's texts, there's this, there's that.
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  And then one thing if you're not careful, leads to like I'll,
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  I'll get distracted by 1 e-mail, go down to rabbit hole and then
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  like 10 things later I'm like, wait, I forgot about the thing.
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  I was just getting ready to do that.
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  I'm like and it's like again, it's not unproductive stuff, but
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  it's just like, I don't feel, I feel like you don't you don't
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  get as much done. Then I heard someone say on my
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  podcast, Eric, actually Eric hims great episode.
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  He said. You know, not being in the
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  moment now when you're at work, it is only hurting your family
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  and friends and loved ones later or your own mental health or
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  peace later. That is so true.
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  If you're not focused now, you're going to have to now
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  think about it or redo it or catch up later.
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  He's like, so really you being fully present at work, it is a
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  gift to the people at home, right?
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  And vice versa, you're fully present at home.
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  It's a gift to the work stuff because now you're able to come
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  in and really focus on it. That's so smart.
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  It's it was good, right. I have to go watch.
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  Yeah. He's a very faith-based guy,
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  too. Oh yeah, very faith-based.
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  Yeah. It was a good episode.
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  Really good episode. Yeah.
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  I think what's interesting about that is we feel guilty so much
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  of the time because I think especially with social media,
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  we're trying to achieve what everyone else is achieving what
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  we think they're achieving. So we feel guilty because I'm
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  not doing it like them or enough about that.
• 14:07
  I don't, I don't, I'm not on social media that much to like
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  other other business people. I scroll right past like I go to
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  the funny videos, you know, and that makes me laugh and that's
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  good for my soul. But the comparison trap really
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  started making me feel like I was failing at everything.
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  So that's I've gotten out of that for the most part.
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  So good. What were you seeing?
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  I'm curious like to dive in a little bit to that.
• 14:28
  Yeah, I go right past your ads, Mike.
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  Forget it. I know.
• 14:31
  Have you seen my ads? No, I'm just kidding.
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  Cuz I did run a local workshop ad for yeah.
• 14:36
  No, I'm just joking. You couldn't cut that out.
• 14:37
  Sorry, no. No, no, don't cut it.
• 14:38
  We don't cut anything here. It's the realist room in
• 14:40
  entrepreneurship. So what were you seeing though?
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  Seriously? Like was it, you know, you're
• 14:43
  seeing people talk about growing their business or this or that
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  or have some great life and then that was making you feel a
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  little bit like you weren't? Enough yeah like in areas that I
• 14:51
  felt like I don't feel like I'm called to that you know like in
• 14:55
  the beginning it was you got to niche down you got to find your
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  niche what problem are you going to solve all that's really great
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  but I felt like I had a couple niches and there's a few
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  problems and everyone saying well you're not going to be
• 15:06
  really successful if you do that and so sometimes you just have
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  to follow your gut. You know, I have like probably 1
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  main niche, but I also have some sub niches because the need came
• 15:15
  up and I met the need. And so, and then one major niche
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  of when I first started my nonprofit, which is a ministry,
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  I, I'm not doing it at all anymore.
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  And so I think I felt guilty because I watched these people
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  start in one thing and then take off.
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  And I was still trying to get my footing like, well, do I really
• 15:32
  like this? But I don't like this.
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  And I had to find what I like to do because there's always a
• 15:36
  need. We can always serve somebody.
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  But I didn't know who I was enough and what I had to offer
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  the world and when I first started.
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  And I think that's where a lot of people want to be an
• 15:46
  entrepreneur or a business person and they just dive in
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  and, and they may have some hiccups.
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  And this is what separates the people are going to be
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  successful and not is do you get through those hiccups and say,
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  I'm not a failure? This thing may have not worked
• 15:59
  out, but it's not who I am. I mean, you hear billionaires
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  say how many times they go bankrupt before they actually
• 16:04
  were successful, right? And so you have to just keep
• 16:07
  trying. You have to push through a
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  little bit. And then if it's not fun, like
• 16:11
  change, do something different. And so that's one of the, I
• 16:15
  think the harder lessons that I had that I was comparing myself
• 16:18
  to what I thought success was supposed to look like followers,
• 16:21
  numbers, income, whatever. And you know, I just, I try and
• 16:27
  avoid that now. That is a superpower that I
• 16:29
  think I wish more people had because especially and IA 100%
• 16:33
  relate to you with the passing by entrepreneurial content
• 16:36
  sometimes. And I'm around it so much
• 16:38
  because I'm in the founder world, you know, and it's like
• 16:41
  sometimes it's easy to be like, oh, I don't have a business
• 16:43
  that's doing 50 million dollar 20 million.
• 16:44
  You know, it's like, am I not, am I not good enough?
• 16:47
  Am I not worthy enough? And it's like, no, of course
• 16:49
  that's not the case. I'm living a completely
• 16:50
  different life and I'm doing what I love and I'm providing
• 16:53
  I'm doing my thing. I'm my, my kids are happy, you
• 16:55
  know, and I think that's so important to not compare
• 16:58
  yourself even to someone that's you know, and here's the
• 17:02
  interesting pieces that most ultra successful entrepreneurs
• 17:06
  end up looking back and realizing, like, I wish I just
• 17:09
  would have cared about like the simple things in life, like
• 17:12
  being there for my kids. Because if you're massively
• 17:14
  successful, you're working a lot and chances are you're probably
• 17:17
  never home. You're not with your kids as
• 17:19
  much, not always, but in a lot of cases.
• 17:22
  And so like for me, you know, you look at Elon Musk, like
• 17:25
  incredible entrepreneur, probably the greatest
• 17:27
  entrepreneur of our time or ever has done some amazing things.
• 17:30
  And I respect him a lot from a business standpoint, but I
• 17:32
  wouldn't want his life. I wouldn't want that.
• 17:35
  Like, I like picking up my kids at 2:50 and 3:25 and shit, you
• 17:38
  know, like during the weekday, I, I want to do their track
• 17:41
  stars practice and their volleyball.
• 17:42
  And they're, I really enjoy that stuff And I love being a dad and
• 17:46
  in their lives. And I want to have, I want to
• 17:48
  take care of myself and I want to do certain things.
• 17:49
  And so to me, it's like always finding that balance of
• 17:53
  ambitious building a business. I love it because it's the
• 17:56
  challenge. It's the, it's, this is the fun
• 17:58
  mountain for me to climb. And I know revenue is going to
• 18:00
  come from it, but also at the same time, hey, remembering what
• 18:03
  is truly important in life, right?
• 18:06
  And you're not going to look back and be like, I wish I made
• 18:08
  it an extra 500,000, you know, like you're definitely not going
• 18:10
  to say that when you're 89 years old.
• 18:12
  Right, because no matter how much money we make, we're going
• 18:13
  to spend it, right? So I mean, there's people
• 18:16
  watching your podcast. I think, oh, I wish I had a
• 18:18
  podcast studio for like that. And and you know, just start,
• 18:22
  start it messy. Start it.
• 18:24
  Not even like it's So what if it's not good?
• 18:26
  You can delete the videos later, just start.
• 18:28
  And if for anyone that is listening to that, that wants to
• 18:31
  have this and maybe doesn't have the means to do it right now,
• 18:34
  because we do have a lot of aspiring entrepreneurs founders
• 18:36
  listening in 2020 or late 2019, I was sleeping in a one bedroom
• 18:41
  apartment. Like, I mean, my bedroom was
• 18:43
  probably the size of this room, which is not, this is not a big
• 18:45
  room. Slept on a mattress on the
• 18:47
  floor. My girls slept on a trundle bed.
• 18:49
  I mean, we were like, you know, I was going through a divorce at
• 18:51
  the time. It was just a really, I was like
• 18:54
  trying to leave my full time job to do my full time, you know,
• 18:57
  business, my side hustle at the time.
• 18:59
  I mean, it was a wild time. So, I mean, but I look back and
• 19:02
  I'm like, it was some of the best times because we were like
• 19:05
  so close and it. Was.
• 19:07
  Like we just did shit together and it was just like fun and
• 19:09
  like I was I was pumped up to build the business and stuff.
• 19:12
  Like it was just I look back and I'm like, what an incredible
• 19:15
  time. There's not one ounce to me
• 19:16
  that's like, I wish we would have had more, you know, and
• 19:19
  it's like fun to advance and have not to have to worry about
• 19:21
  money and that kind of stuff. That's all amazing.
• 19:23
  But and the other thing is, like I was telling you before the
• 19:26
  show, this podcast start, what you see to now, now is like two
• 19:31
  years of going through shit is all making all the mistakes,
• 19:34
  filming, having everything gone wrong.
• 19:35
  The audio's messed up, the lighting wasn't right, the
• 19:38
  editing sucked. The we started with a smartphone
• 19:41
  and a wireless mic and it just it progressed over time.
• 19:45
  So I think some of this goes back to that maybe that number
• 19:48
  three that we've kind of outsourced our identity to our
• 19:52
  business. Do you ever feel like that?
• 19:53
  Like I know I have like what the business is doing?
• 19:55
  Well, you're Cloud 9. When it's in the dumps, you're
• 19:58
  like watching everything, like why am I even here, you know?
• 20:01
  It's like, have you seen those charts where it's like the day
• 20:04
  life and about of an entrepreneur?
• 20:06
  It's like I'm on the mountain, I'm in the pit, you know, and
• 20:08
  it's like all in the same day. Your 3:00 is down, 5:30 in the
• 20:12
  morning is up. Absolutely.
• 20:14
  I've definitely been there. I'm sure I'll be there again.
• 20:17
  I just launched my book last weekend, my 4th book.
• 20:20
  It did not thank you. It did not hit #1 all of my
• 20:23
  books have hit #1 So I was like, OK, I'm kind of, I was, I had a
• 20:26
  moment of disappointment, you know, And, but what I do, and
• 20:30
  this is part of the model I, I teach and train coaches on this
• 20:33
  framework that I call Freedom framework.
• 20:35
  And instead of looking at something bad that happens, how
• 20:37
  can I see that as an opportunity?
• 20:40
  And, you know, sometimes the opportunity is to grow in your
• 20:42
  character and humility and to just say, hey, you know, what?
• 20:45
  If I help one person, that's all that's important.
• 20:47
  And really get back to the basics of why we started.
• 20:50
  So it's reframing, right? Like the disappointments.
• 20:53
  But what happens out of disappointments tells us, are we
• 20:56
  spiraling down or spiraling up? And so the next thing that
• 20:59
  happens after something happens is our thoughts.
• 21:02
  So are our thoughts like telling us lies about our identity of
• 21:05
  like if your business isn't successful, that means you are
• 21:09
  fill in the blank or it means you are not fill in the blank.
• 21:12
  And we create these inner vows from there.
• 21:14
  Like I'm never going to do that again or I'm always going to do
• 21:17
  this now. And we come up with those
• 21:19
  phrases as solutions to the problem.
• 21:22
  So it won't happen you. Literally sound like me right
• 21:24
  now. Yeah, I'm never going to do
• 21:26
  this. I'm always going to do this.
• 21:27
  And you can't help it. Like your brain, your amygdala
• 21:30
  is trying to help you. It's telling you what went wrong
• 21:32
  in the past so it doesn't happen again.
• 21:34
  So we have to train our body and our mind.
• 21:37
  In Scripture, it says that we should have the mind of Christ.
• 21:40
  And so we have to think like he would think.
• 21:42
  And God's never disappointed in me.
• 21:44
  He's like, alright, well, that didn't go well.
• 21:45
  What do you want to do? Like when you have a best friend
• 21:48
  and a cheerleader, we need to be that to ourselves, even for
• 21:51
  people who don't, you know, follow faith.
• 21:53
  But out of our thoughts, then come our emotions.
• 21:55
  So you have a thought often enough, you're going to have
• 21:57
  some feelings about that, right? So when those can be destructive
• 22:01
  or they can be like the positive ones.
• 22:03
  And I'm not saying that we ignore emotions.
• 22:06
  I'm very emotional, so I have to take my emotions ago.
• 22:10
  Wow, this is a lot. This is anger, this is fear,
• 22:13
  this is disappointment. How do I feel?
• 22:15
  Like what's underneath that? It might be something that's a
• 22:17
  trigger from something else in our life.
• 22:20
  That's saying what a gift. You get to look at this again
• 22:22
  and you get to decide, is this what I want to live with or do I
• 22:26
  want to change that? Not change the feeling, but
• 22:28
  change the outcome of how I feel when disappointment happens.
• 22:31
  So anyway, the if they're circles because they're
• 22:34
  cyclical, if we have thoughts and emotions and these beliefs
• 22:37
  that are, you know, judgments about ourselves or others, all
• 22:40
  of our actions come from our belief system.
• 22:43
  And our belief system is built on our thoughts and feelings.
• 22:46
  So there isn't an action that you take or an inaction that you
• 22:49
  take that doesn't come from what you truly believe about
• 22:51
  yourself. And it can be what you believe
• 22:54
  about the situation or someone else, but it always comes back
• 22:56
  to what do you believe to be true about you and your calling
• 22:59
  and your gifting. And if you feel weak in an area,
• 23:02
  then you get to choose. All right, I'm going to grow in
• 23:04
  this and that's when the cycle starts going from I'm going to
• 23:07
  go downwards and, you know, spiral out into, I'm going to
• 23:11
  turn this into a positive. So anyway, that's kind of my
• 23:14
  freedom framework in a nutshell. Each of those things, we can
• 23:18
  isolate them and work on them, but understanding how it all
• 23:21
  works together can really change the next step that we take in
• 23:24
  our business and, you know, in our relationships.
• 23:26
  That's beautiful. So the framework could be walk
• 23:29
  me through it again. So it was a thought.
• 23:31
  What is it? Emotions.
• 23:32
  Emotions, thought, emotions. Which form our beliefs?
• 23:35
  Form your beliefs. And your beliefs are like inner
• 23:38
  vows that you have about yourself.
• 23:39
  I will always do this. I will never do that.
• 23:41
  Or judgements about others. They're always going to be that
• 23:44
  way. So belief systems are different
• 23:46
  than maybe, you know, lies or the thoughts that you have that
• 23:51
  are negative, they're like they're solidified.
• 23:53
  It's hard for me to change your beliefs.
• 23:55
  Like I can help you rethink something, but to change your
• 23:58
  starting with changing your belief is hard because you're
• 24:01
  grounded in it. You have reasons and you will
• 24:03
  tell me stories why you believe that.
• 24:05
  So yeah. So The thing is, something
• 24:07
  happens. You have a thought about it, you
• 24:09
  have emotions about it, and then you form beliefs and out of what
• 24:12
  you believe is how you act and what choices you make.
• 24:18
  Almost like reverse engineer everything you do and just kind
• 24:20
  of break it down to that lens. Yeah, even the things you might
• 24:23
  not think are or that much rooted in beliefs and things are
• 24:27
  if you really break it down, right.
• 24:28
  It is. So is neuroplasticity is that?
• 24:32
  Yeah, it's a great thing. Is that like rewiring your brain
• 24:34
  or how? Cuz I wonder how you and I have
• 24:37
  talked to a lot of people, friends too recently that like
• 24:40
  they want to make this change in our life, whether it's their
• 24:42
  health, career, whatever it is. But it's like they keep going
• 24:45
  down the bad habits or not able to not like terrible habits, but
• 24:48
  just like not able to make the change.
• 24:50
  And it's almost like they got a they're choosing the path of
• 24:53
  least resistance, the easy path. I want the easy button, hit it,
• 24:56
  I'm good. That means getting the stack.
• 24:58
  That means cheating on this. That means, you know, not
• 25:01
  putting in the work I need to put in to make myself better, my
• 25:04
  career better, whatever it is. The harder path it takes work,
• 25:08
  it's challenging, it's friction. It's you doubt things sometimes.
• 25:11
  But I would say like that path is the path to get to everything
• 25:14
  that you want. Yeah, right.
• 25:16
  Like, how do you start kind of rewiring your mind?
• 25:19
  Yeah. So if you take that same spiral
• 25:21
  down circle, I call that the enemy's plan and the faith-based
• 25:24
  work I do. But then there's God's plan.
• 25:26
  So instead of that terrible thing that happened, I can see
• 25:29
  it as an opportunity. And then I want to thank like
• 25:31
  Christ, like, how can I see this?
• 25:34
  And if there people watching this aren't believers, it's
• 25:36
  what's the truth. Like truly, like this is the
• 25:39
  lie. This is the limiting belief.
• 25:41
  But what is the truth, which isn't always the opposite of the
• 25:44
  lie. Sometimes it's much deeper.
• 25:47
  But once you know the truth, then you walk in emotions that
• 25:51
  are not like opposite, like not peace instead of anger or
• 25:55
  something. But it's I can hold my emotions,
• 25:57
  I can validate it. I can tell myself, yeah, that's
• 26:00
  a big feeling, feeling right there.
• 26:01
  There's six big emotions. I can't remember who came up
• 26:03
  with them, but those six big emotions, if we just stuff them,
• 26:07
  then we're just, we're never going to, you know, I don't want
• 26:09
  to get over it, but that's how we feel.
• 26:11
  We feel like, OK, I can move past this, but you can't move
• 26:13
  past something that you haven't looked at.
• 26:15
  So to look at it validate, and I know you might be able to speak
• 26:19
  into this. Like with men, they're like, I
• 26:20
  don't know what I'm feeling. And so I hear that a lot.
• 26:23
  And so sometimes it's like, where is that in your body?
• 26:26
  And what does it feel like to feel that in your body?
• 26:29
  So once we can see that, we end up having positive thoughts and
• 26:34
  this is where neuroplasticity takes place.
• 26:36
  And then our emotions follow the thoughts.
• 26:38
  So they're really tied together. You can't have a negative
• 26:41
  thought and have a positive emotion about it.
• 26:43
  It doesn't work that way. That's true.
• 26:45
  So where neuroplasticity happens is if I always use this
• 26:49
  explanation, so you've got a field like a field of corn.
• 26:52
  And if you're always walking down the negative path ever, all
• 26:54
  the corns, you know, the stocks are down.
• 26:57
  And that's the easiest way to get to your destination.
• 27:00
  But to change your mind, you've got to do the work of walking
• 27:03
  through the corn fields, creating a new path.
• 27:05
  You're going to get scratched, you're going to get hurt.
• 27:07
  I mean, it's the whole way a Pearl gets formed, right?
• 27:09
  The salt gets in there, it rubs it and it's because it's
• 27:11
  protecting the Pearl and that's how it's formed.
• 27:14
  So you got to create that new neural pathway.
• 27:17
  As you're going down that new path, the old one starts growing
• 27:20
  in and you don't see that old path anymore.
• 27:23
  So now your default where your brain has rewired itself is
• 27:27
  that. I thought about that thought
• 27:28
  often enough. And I think this is what people
• 27:30
  talk about, creating a mantra or a declaration or something like
• 27:34
  that. And so if you can say, you know,
• 27:36
  this thing happened and this is the truth about it and this is
• 27:39
  the emotion I want to have. If if I were thinking this
• 27:42
  thought, how would I feel? So make it up, like fake it till
• 27:45
  you make it on your emotions. Like if I really thought, man,
• 27:49
  this book is going to help one person and that's enough.
• 27:51
  Then my feeling is like, I have so much joy.
• 27:53
  I might not have joy right now, but I should have joy.
• 27:56
  OK, so I'm going to keep thinking that thought like I
• 27:58
  helped one person. I sold more than one book, by
• 28:00
  the way, but still I'm using that as an extreme.
• 28:05
  So then your belief systems become, gosh, you know, what if
• 28:09
  I helped one person, I have so much joy, how am I going to act
• 28:12
  like, what is a person who thinks and feels that way?
• 28:15
  What do they believe and how do they act?
• 28:17
  And that's what people see in your life.
• 28:18
  Then that's a long explanation. I hope that's all.
• 28:21
  Good. No, it's good.
• 28:22
  So it's like you really can't rewire your brain.
• 28:24
  You can. Long story short, I should have.
• 28:26
  Just said that well, no, no, I think we need the explanation
• 28:28
  and the depth I appreciate that and there's some science to it
• 28:31
  right that backs this that it actually there's chemicals and
• 28:35
  things that happen. I'm not a I'm a friggin whatever
• 28:37
  it is. I don't say scientists, but it's
• 28:38
  something like that. But there's something that
• 28:41
  actually physiological or whatever that happens that
• 28:45
  actually that you can measure and they can measure that on
• 28:47
  brain scans and things like that and.
• 28:49
  And people with trauma may have a harder time with it.
• 28:52
  So we don't like, I don't want anyone to feel shame if they're
• 28:54
  like, I can't do this. It's not working.
• 28:56
  Sometimes our body, there's a book, The body Keeps the score.
• 28:59
  And he worked with PTSD from people who are in the service
• 29:04
  and came home from war. And sometimes our body, our
• 29:06
  nervous system is wired so deeply that it takes some time
• 29:10
  to unravel. And that's why meeting with a
• 29:12
  therapist or a coach is good, because it just takes time.
• 29:15
  And we don't want to do it like we do at work and just push
• 29:17
  through. Right, right.
• 29:19
  I'm just going to ignore the truth of this, yeah.
• 29:21
  So I want to ask you about coaching because you know, you
• 29:24
  coach a lot of people, business leaders, founders,
• 29:27
  entrepreneurs, a variety of people.
• 29:29
  What is the trick to being a great coach?
• 29:32
  Listening, think, really listening to what they're saying
• 29:36
  and what they're not saying. I think everyone in coaching is
• 29:39
  like, what question can I ask? A lot of new coaches say, well,
• 29:42
  what questions should I ask them?
• 29:43
  Like, I don't know, what did they say?
• 29:45
  Did you hear? Like did you see their face
• 29:47
  change or their emotion? Did you give them space to think
• 29:51
  about something before filling in the blank?
• 29:54
  I think a lot of coaches love to give advice and strategies and
• 29:58
  there's different philosophies of coaching.
• 30:00
  And I'm an ICF certified coach. So in that stream we don't give
• 30:03
  advice. And it's different than business
• 30:05
  coaching where you're telling someone what to do.
• 30:07
  But I think listening and giving someone space to be heard, to be
• 30:11
  seen and to be understood, I think that's what makes people
• 30:15
  feel safe. And when the nervous system
• 30:17
  feels safe, creativity happens, Answers happen, solutions,
• 30:21
  everything comes from that place of feeling safe and rested.
• 30:24
  So I try to create that kind of space for clients so that they
• 30:27
  can, you know, find those things out about themselves.
• 30:31
  And founders might be listening to like, well, I'm not a coach.
• 30:33
  Everyone's a damn coach, all right?
• 30:34
  You're coaching kids, you're coaching your employees.
• 30:36
  You know, your team members, the people you work with, their
• 30:39
  clients, whatever. I just noticed that I think
• 30:43
  there's a belief that I've had that I, I, I really try to break
• 30:47
  it, but I think sometimes it creeps in and probably for other
• 30:49
  people listening is that when you are servicing a client or
• 30:52
  coaching somebody or trying to, you know, help somebody through
• 30:55
  something, giving them advice or insights or how to do something
• 31:00
  is always well. That's what makes me valuable in
• 31:02
  this conversation. If I don't do that, then what
• 31:04
  the hell are they paying me for? How am I adding value?
• 31:06
  Totally. And I did, I had this the other
• 31:07
  day where I was like talking to a client and I, this is last
• 31:10
  week and I got off the call and I was like, I think I was
• 31:12
  talking too much on that call. You know, I got to go back to
• 31:15
  being a better coach. Like I had that kind of self
• 31:17
  reflection moment. And then on the call this week,
• 31:19
  I was really coaching them through some content, some
• 31:21
  video. And I just, there are several
• 31:24
  times I say, hey guys, I think I talked too much last time.
• 31:27
  I'm going to try and let you guys work through some of this
• 31:29
  and I'm going to try to guide you where I need to.
• 31:30
  And so every time they'd kind of look at me, what do you think?
• 31:33
  And I'm like, what do you guys think?
• 31:34
  How did that work? Oh, it's amazing.
• 31:36
  It's amazing. Totally a different feel.
• 31:37
  Amazing. And most of the time they sort
• 31:40
  of got there or close enough on their own, but now they're
• 31:43
  getting their one on their own. 2, they're thinking through the
• 31:47
  process at a more deeper level. And I try to do the same with my
• 31:49
  kids too. I'm like, what's going on with
• 31:51
  this? Well, what do you think's going
• 31:52
  on? Why do you think that would
• 31:53
  happen? Why do you think this would do
• 31:55
  if we did this and get them to think, well, I think maybe
• 31:57
  because of this, why you say that, you know, and it's really
• 32:00
  to your point, it's curiosity, It's asking questions, giving
• 32:03
  things space. But I think ironically, maybe a
• 32:06
  little bit of ego or self worth creeps in and it says I need to
• 32:10
  be valuable. Yeah, I need to prove that that
• 32:13
  I'm worth the money. You know, people don't remember
• 32:15
  what you say. They remember how you made them
• 32:16
  feel, right. So if someone feels seen, heard,
• 32:19
  understood, and they're able to have self discovery, anything we
• 32:23
  think of ourselves, we remember it better than any piece of
• 32:26
  advice. I say I go to church on Sunday,
• 32:28
  hear a sermon, I might remember one point, but I spend time with
• 32:31
  God on my own and I remember that for the whole week.
• 32:34
  And so it's the same sort of philosophy that what we discover
• 32:37
  is more powerful and lasting. But the reason for that is
• 32:41
  because, because the self discovery process, we're
• 32:44
  teaching them or coaching them on how to listen to themselves
• 32:47
  and learn. Because we don't know their
• 32:49
  history. We don't know what brought them
• 32:52
  to this point. And we may give them advice that
• 32:54
  is hurtful or they don't agree, but they're being polite.
• 32:57
  And so it doesn't work out as well.
• 33:00
  Of course there is. There are times when advice is
• 33:02
  necessary. But yeah.
• 33:04
  Yeah, I think I'd look back and like maybe a rule of thumb is
• 33:07
  just trying to talk like maybe 30% of the time on a call, you
• 33:10
  know, if I can talk less, there's just time to look back
• 33:13
  and I'm like talking a lot. I don't think that's serving
• 33:17
  people around me as well. I do try to listen coach and
• 33:21
  things like that, but just, you know, sometimes you just notice
• 33:23
  it. You're like, I'm kind of, I mean
• 33:25
  this, if you're talking on a podcast, it's a good thing
• 33:27
  because you're the guest and I'm asking you questions and I want
• 33:29
  to talk back and have it be a conversation, not an interview.
• 33:32
  But I just think you it's something to be aware of even
• 33:34
  with your employees and even sales calls.
• 33:37
  I think about great sales calls. I am talking very little.
• 33:41
  Right. People love to talk about
• 33:43
  themselves and they think you're amazing if they get to talk
• 33:45
  about themselves. Yeah, it's I ask a question to
• 33:47
  pause. Interesting.
• 33:49
  Why is that does that? Mean for you even being able, if
• 33:52
  you want to say something, I call it a permission question
• 33:55
  where I can say, you know, I've kind of thought about that.
• 33:56
  Can I share it with you? And then I try and say it
• 33:59
  because I will always say yes because they're being polite and
• 34:02
  I'll share it. And like, I try to keep it down
• 34:04
  to two sentences. That way if they want more, they
• 34:06
  can ask me more. But most of the time we're
• 34:09
  working with people who are smart.
• 34:10
  We're not working with beginners here who are in college and need
• 34:13
  to understand what Facebook ads are.
• 34:15
  Well, I don't think any college student doesn't, but you know
• 34:16
  what I mean. So they're we have to trust that
• 34:19
  they're smart enough and the answers are within them at some
• 34:21
  level, unless it's a skill that they don't know that they need
• 34:25
  to be taught. That's a good point.
• 34:27
  Your faith is important to you, obviously.
• 34:31
  What what do you think? Do you think believing in
• 34:34
  something higher power or something bigger than yourself?
• 34:36
  What do you think that does for people's lives?
• 34:39
  Yeah, well, I believe the best and only higher power is Jesus
• 34:42
  Christ, right? So I'm a Christian, you know, a
• 34:45
  A talks about that. And I think that's really
• 34:47
  interesting that a A says you have to believe in a power
• 34:50
  higher than yourself. And I think from a Christian
• 34:53
  perspective, it's more than just getting out of my ego and
• 34:57
  thinking I can handle everything, but it's that I have
• 35:00
  access to a power that created the universe who knows not just
• 35:04
  me, but knows everything that's happening.
• 35:06
  And so if I ask him, what should I do?
• 35:09
  Can I have wisdom or strategy for this?
• 35:11
  I'm going to get answers that I couldn't have come up with
• 35:13
  myself, regardless of how smart I am, regardless of how many
• 35:16
  experts I ask. And so my relationship with God
• 35:19
  is asking him a lot of questions, just as if, you know,
• 35:22
  he's the best coach ever. If you look in Scripture, Jesus
• 35:25
  asked so many questions like, who do you say I am?
• 35:28
  Do you want to be healed? I mean, kind of what a stupid
• 35:30
  question. Of course I want to be healed.
• 35:32
  He needed them to know that they wanted to be healed.
• 35:35
  And so sometimes God lets us struggle because he's pulling us
• 35:38
  to him for that relationship because he wants to coach us.
• 35:42
  Because when someone else gives you the answers, you're like,
• 35:45
  yeah, thanks, bye. But when we really bond with
• 35:47
  someone is when we feel that connection.
• 35:50
  And so that's where my faith comes in.
• 35:52
  So yeah, I think everybody needs, I think, I can't even say
• 35:55
  higher power. I think everybody needs the
• 35:57
  Lord. But I understand that some
• 35:59
  people are like, I'm doing just fine on my own.
• 36:01
  So as a coach, you'll hear me say in this, I'm not wavering on
• 36:05
  my faith. I'm just saying I don't like to
• 36:07
  tell anybody what to do. But if they ask, I'm happy to
• 36:10
  tell them more. That's right, Yeah.
• 36:12
  What makes you so convicted in your faith?
• 36:14
  Because if maybe if you're born in Africa or India or something,
• 36:18
  right, you might have a totally different belief set.
• 36:20
  Yeah. What makes you so grounded in
• 36:21
  this specific Christianity? Right?
• 36:23
  Yeah, gosh, it's kind of a long story and I feel like I'm
• 36:28
  supposed to tell you the real answer, which I don't usually
• 36:30
  tell people. Wow, I know.
• 36:32
  So it's kind of like a. Closer to the the.
• 36:34
  Kind of trippy. When I was a kid, I was praying
• 36:38
  and I was little and I was praying and I, there was nothing
• 36:41
  really going on. I just felt like praying and I
• 36:44
  opened my eyes and a figure of Jesus was in my room.
• 36:48
  And I know it's like an open vision that you only read about
• 36:51
  in the Bible. And like, it almost choked me up
• 36:53
  right now because it was so powerful and I was so little
• 36:56
  that I wasn't making it up. I had no reason to, you know,
• 37:00
  and, and so when things got hard a year later and, and this is,
• 37:04
  you know, trigger warning for people, but a year later, I was
• 37:06
  abused by a priest at school. And so I walked away from my
• 37:10
  faith because I combined and, you know, took the face of God
• 37:15
  and put it, you know, I got confused.
• 37:17
  And so I wanted nothing to do with faith and God, but I never
• 37:20
  forgot that image of Jesus. And so when I finally made a
• 37:24
  complete mess in my life, like Mary divorce, just I was a mess.
• 37:28
  I was so unhappy. I was oh, sorry about that.
• 37:31
  You're good. No worries.
• 37:33
  I was so unhappy. I was drinking wine every night,
• 37:35
  whatever. I was just making a mess and I
• 37:37
  knew I was spiraling down and I made a simple prayer and I said
• 37:41
  if you're real, I need you to show up for me because I know
• 37:44
  I'm making a mess and I don't know what to do.
• 37:46
  But what made me so firm was at remembering what I saw and then
• 37:51
  watching him change my life. Like making me so I didn't crave
• 37:55
  some of the things that I used to crave and want to do and be
• 37:58
  sinful and being able to hear his voice.
• 38:01
  Like I started praying and I'd hear him answer me like in my
• 38:04
  head, not like an outward voice, but that's what makes me so firm
• 38:08
  and that's why I'm passionate. Our mission statement is
• 38:10
  encouraging people to pursue the presence of God.
• 38:12
  Not the answers, not the solutions, not money, but pursue
• 38:16
  his presence. And then we find freedom in
• 38:18
  Christ. And so the freedom that I have
• 38:20
  to talk freely about him or trust him with my business comes
• 38:23
  from that kind of long journey that I just cut down into two
• 38:27
  minutes. So.
• 38:28
  Well, thank you for sharing that with us.
• 38:30
  I appreciate that. You're welcome.
• 38:32
  I I found that, you know, I feel like I'm on a spiritual journey.
• 38:35
  I grew up Catholic and I've gone back and forth so many times
• 38:37
  over the years. Yeah.
• 38:39
  But what I've noticed is that I feel, I don't know if this is
• 38:43
  ironic or not, but I feel closer to a higher power, whatever that
• 38:48
  might be. I'm not sure what that is for
• 38:49
  me. I'm on this journey.
• 38:52
  I feel it closer when I'm going through challenging times and I
• 38:55
  feel like I want to have some type of relationship, you know,
• 38:58
  with God or whatever that is. Yeah, not to say it's not there
• 39:01
  when things are going well, but it's almost like it's pulled
• 39:03
  into me more. I don't know if that's common or
• 39:06
  if that's you have any insights into that.
• 39:07
  I I. Think it is.
• 39:09
  Maybe I'm searching for something like help me I'm do a
• 39:11
  life raft, you know, or something or just like maybe
• 39:13
  it's you know, I just I'm looking for a bigger meaning or
• 39:17
  purpose or something to ground you or I don't know.
• 39:20
  It's a good idea for me. I struggle with religion because
• 39:22
  I'm like, I'm like, I need to see the facts like I need to.
• 39:25
  It doesn't, some of the stuff doesn't make sense in my mind
• 39:28
  logically. I'm like, well, this really
• 39:30
  happened or that happened or it says this isn't the Bible.
• 39:32
  That doesn't make sense today. You know, it's like I struggle
• 39:34
  with that stuff more the, I don't know if you call it
• 39:37
  intellectual stuff, but more of that side of things.
• 39:40
  But then spiritually I feel like, yeah, there's something
• 39:43
  that created this place. There's something out there.
• 39:45
  There's something bigger than us.
• 39:46
  There has to be. Whether what that is, you could
• 39:49
  debate, but there's something out there.
• 39:51
  And then you hear stories like that and it's like, you know,
• 39:53
  and, and we've all had her. I've had stories like that too.
• 39:55
  Different but related. Going to church and having
• 39:59
  people say visions and stuff like that and come to you with
• 40:01
  stuff and for sure. So yeah.
• 40:05
  Yeah, it's interesting. I think, God, he knows us so
• 40:08
  well that he's not a bully. He's not going to pressure us
• 40:11
  into wanting him. But life happens.
• 40:14
  And then when we turn and go, am I alone?
• 40:16
  Are you there? He's there in a heartbeat, you
• 40:18
  know, and that's why we feel him when we're, you know, going
• 40:21
  through bad times. Well, we got to end there,
• 40:23
  unfortunately on time. I feel like we could keep going
• 40:24
  another couple hours here. Just an hour flew by like that.
• 40:27
  You know, I think it's been almost an hour close to it,
• 40:29
  maybe 40 minutes or so. Joe, where and I I appreciate
• 40:33
  you guys listening and tuning in.
• 40:34
  I'd never know how these conversations are going to go
• 40:36
  right? And this one just like was
• 40:38
  amazing. I really enjoyed every second.
• 40:39
  I hope you guys got value. I'm sure you did.
• 40:42
  And we like to say this is the real estate room and
• 40:44
  entrepreneurship. We're not we don't hide from
• 40:46
  stuff. We put it out there and because
• 40:48
  we know that it can make an impact for other people
• 40:49
  listening and for other people on this journey.
• 40:51
  So yeah, thank you for being here.
• 40:53
  Where can people find connect with you, learn more about what
• 40:55
  you do, get your books, that type of stuff?
• 40:56
  Yeah, my website everythingstherejillmonaco.com
• 41:00
  Monaco spelled like the country. So connections to all the social
• 41:03
  media books, coaching, all that kind of thing.
• 41:05
  Cool. Jill, thanks again for being
• 41:06
  here with us on the Final Talk podcast.
• 41:08
  Thank you guys for listening and we'll see you on the next one.
• 41:10
  Sounds good. Thanks.