Latest / Two Personal with Joy Taylor / They Thought She Was Dead: Azar Farideh On Surviving a Cult, Healing, and Starting Over

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They Thought She Was Dead: Azar Farideh On Surviving a Cult, Healing, and Starting Over · Two Personal with Joy Taylor

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Everyone who I knew, all my friends thought I died.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: So I lived in a world where people thought I
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: was dead. They had a memorial for me. They thought
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I was dead.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: All right, I'm so excited. My friend A Czar is
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: in studio with us for Too Personal. Welcome, thank you,
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: thank you for having me. You can see her on
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: Truth after Dark with my old co host and friends
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: former co host and friends Paul Pierce, and you can
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: follow her on social media. I'm Azar Faraday, so welcome.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Thank you, are so good to have you. You look fabulous.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: How have you been, How are you doing?
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: You know what? I'm okay?
• 0:38
  Speaker 4: Life is lifey This.
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: Year twenty twenty six, it's been an interesting year.
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: It's been tough. I'll be honest.
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: What's what's been the hardest part of the year so far?
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I think it's just for me, throwing me curveballs, like
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: I don't you think one thing is going away and
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: then next episode it's something completely different and you just
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: have to adjust. And I think I have a problem
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: with control, so I want to control everything and letting
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: go is very hard for me. So being able to
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: just say you have to let go, you have to
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: let things be what it is is a struggle that
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I'm working on, and I feel like this year is
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: like You're going to learn to let go because you
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: have no other choice.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: Honey, what where do you think your control issues come from?
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: Probably some type of childhood trauma.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: I'm sure you know you want to control the outcome
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: because you feel like it will.
• 1:30
  Speaker 4: Make it less painful. So that's what I do.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I try to do and it doesn't make it any
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: less painful, but for some reason, I still continue to
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: try and control it.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: Well, I think.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: I think for the most part, control is something that
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: most people struggle with. It's a very it's a very
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: common thing to struggle with because to your point, you
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: feel like if you know the outcome, you can prepare
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: yourself better for it. But in a lot of situations,
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: in most situations, the outcome has nothing to do with
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: your how you are behaving or your choices. What have
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: you let go of something recently and it's made it easier.
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: It hasn't made it easier.
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: So we just gone through it.
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah, we're going through it, but I am trying.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: You know, there's things that I have held on to
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: I would say that was not meant for me. And
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: I knew the signs were there, but I just kept
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: holding on because I'm like, I still want this to
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: work out, whether it's like business, friendships, relationships, and you know,
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: sometimes you're forced to let something go and you're like damn,
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: and then you replay all the things and like, if
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: I would have done this differently, could I still have it?
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: If I would have did this? Can I still try
• 2:42
  Speaker 4: to go back?
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: And you know, you do all of that, And I'm
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: trying to just learn to accept things for what they are.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: Is that a pride thing for you or it might be.
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: A pride and maybe ego thing. I can see that
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: for sure.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And you know what, I have a really hard
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: time living with the fact that I've made a mistake
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Like that is really hard for me, Like knowing I've done.
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: So I can hear the men now, so.
• 3:12
  Speaker 4: Okay, that's exactly what men say.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't do well with mistakes either. Yeah, but
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: did you know it was your mistake or like, do
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: you feel.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Now that it's kind of like you feel now when
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: you reflect on it. Okay, but you sometimes feel like
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: you couldn't you should have known better, you know, like
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I should have done better.
• 3:31
  Speaker 4: I should have known better.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: Is it something because you've done in the past, so
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: you already knew that lesson?
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Mm. Yeah, sometimes that has happened to me, you know,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: where I've known the lesson or I know better, Like
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: I know better, But I think that it.
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: Can be different, you know, I can do things differently.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: I I definitely struggle with that for a long time.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: I do feel like now I'm almost militant with my
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: elf about those kind of things. Like recently, I had
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: a friend do some goofy shit and it's also the
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Capricorn and me really helps with this, but she did
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: some goofy shit and I was like, oh, no longer.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Friends, Like I didn't have to even consider it. Like
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: you you.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Have a one time, one time actually zero times. You
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: have no time to be weird with me. The first
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: time you're weird with me is the last time you're
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: weird with me. And I've not been that kind of
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: person throughout my life.
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: Are you like that in romantic relationships too?
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: So I have more flexibility and romantic relationships because I
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: have orgasms in those. So it's you know, there's some incentive, yeah,
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: to you know, push through the other side. But you
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: just you just in my life being weird. It could
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: like you got to be contributing on a very high end.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: You gotta be bringing back to the table. But at
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: the end of the day, even if I allow you
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: still around, you're gonna be put into a different category,
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: like the continuous access to my like uh love and
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: my affection and my trust. Like that's that's cut off,
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: whether you know it or not.
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: Do you feel like you'll ever get to that?
• 5:11
  Speaker 4: So I think with friends, because I'm a psychopat so
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: you don't have to. Well, you're a Capricorn. I'm a capricorn.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Rising capricorns are already like very like my best friends
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: a capricorn. You guys don't play honestly, Well, we don't
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: play because we give you a lot.
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: We usually not anymore but for me.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: But usually once I cut you off, I know that
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: it's time because I've given you a long runway of
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: grace and forgiveness and understanding. So if you have played
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: in my face so religiously, then now you're like but
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: that's why they're always shocked, like what about Like the
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: fuck you mean?
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: You can't believe you've been doing the shit for years? Yeah,
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: like they'll never speak to me again.
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: One hundred. I think with I'm aries, what is that?
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: I understand, I understand, I understand your lack of being militant.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I do have a lack of that, And I
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: will say that like I will beat a dead horse, honey.
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: And that's my problem.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: Like I can cut people off and I will. I
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: will exhaust all my resources. I'll exhaust every avenue. I'll
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: figure out any way we can make it work or
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: figure things out. And at that point, once I cut
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: you off, I'm done. When I cut you off, I'm
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: really am done. But the amount of things it takes
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: for me to be done is just ridiculous at this point,
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: like I have to be more. I'm so understanding to
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: the point where I can understand the disrespect a little
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: too much. I'm like, okay, I get it, you know,
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: I understand why you did that or I feel bad,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: you know, I understand. Like I'm very understanding, and that's
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: my problem. And I think it always stems from like, well,
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: if I made a mistake out with someone, to be
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: this understanding with me, you know, But I think with friends,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: I've gotten more, Like you do something goofy cool cut
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: off romantic relationships. I do give a lot more grace
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: in romantic relationships where you know I have to get
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: better at that too.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: To be honest, I I feel you on that. I
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I do wonder though, like and this, this has been
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: my hang up with with two things that you said.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Forgiveness is one thing, so don't let me lose track
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: of wanting to ask you about that. But you knowing
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: something about the root of a person and allowing that
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: knowledge of why they are that way to.
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: Create excuses for their behavior and your brain.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: I used to do that, which is why now when
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: people drop trauma on my lap, I'm like, yeah, that's
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: for a therapist, big homie, Like.
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: Fuck about that. We're not doing the Trauma Olympics.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: If you have something that you that that makes that
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: continuously forces you to make bad decisions, you need to
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: get the fuck out of my face. I'm sorry for
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: that happened to you, but you're not about to do
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: it to me just because I know that's why you're
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: doing it.
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: Do you think of that because that was my experience?
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: No, yes, that's one hundred percent.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: And I agree.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: It's not my trauma to carry it's not my burden
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: to carry, so I shouldn't.
• 8:09
  Speaker 4: But I make those excuses.
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: Like, well they've been through this and da da da.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Da, and I shouldn't, Like I need to cut that out.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: And I feel like I would be in better positions
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: if I ended things a lot more quickly. And you know,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: people have asked me, and this is a realization that
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: I had recently. People are like, oh, you're thirty five.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: You don't have kids, you know, and I want kids.
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: I know you don't. I want children.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: You know I won at this point, and you know
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: you're not married, right, so like what you know?
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: People love to say that, like what's the problem with you?
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, I realized the problem with me
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: is I stay in places where the expiration date has
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: already came. And so instead of leaving when I was
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: twenty eight, I stayed with you till I was thirty
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: two because I gave you chance after chance, knowing that
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: it was done at twenty eight. So I think a
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: lot of women are saying relationships, we're masking it as loyalty,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: but it can be fear, it can be fear of
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: being alone, all these things. But it's gonna be inevitable
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: that you'll get to that place because you know this
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: relationship is not in alignment with you, So you're just
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: gonna get there later on in life. And now you're
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: gonna have to start over at thirty two and then
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: thirty four and then thirty eight. No matter how much
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: we want to make something work, if it's not for you,
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: have to let it go.
• 9:23
  Speaker 4: And if it's for you.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: I do believe that people will do the work, or
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: maybe you guys will cross paths again. But that has
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: been my mistake, I think, and obviously I don't regret
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: it now because.
• 9:32
  Speaker 4: It is what it is.
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: I had to learn what I had to learn.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: But I do think that's the reason I am in
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: the position I'm in right now.
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: So you do want to be married and have kids?
• 9:41
  Speaker 4: I do.
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, do you think that you date with those intentions?
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: Like, do you think the people that you are that
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: you are like allowing into your life in.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: That committed space?
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: Because not everyone that you dates, like yeah, go on
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: a couple dates with or hang out with for a
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: month or whatever. It's kind of too soon to know,
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: but there are signs very early that this is not
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: a person that would be a good husband, that would
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: be a good father, that would be exactly you know,
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: maybe not have the qualities of somebody that you would
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: want to do life with.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I think for me, I have been
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: in relationships where I'm like, this is my husband, I
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: see this, you know, and then during the relationship period,
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: I realize, hey, this is not my husband.
• 10:26
  Speaker 4: You know, why don't you have?
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: But I have not left and I've even been engaged,
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: you know, twice, And that is because I stay in
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: these relationships with hope that oh, well, maybe this person
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: will stay, and a fear and a fear like for
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: a long time, a fear of just being alone. Honestly,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: if I'm being very vulnerable and honest, and it's only
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: led me to the place of you don't even have
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: the things you desire because you're dating with people like
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I always say, if you want a provider, or stop
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: getting a man who's not a provider and trying to
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: convince them.
• 10:57
  Speaker 4: To be one.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: Get with someone who's in alignment with what you want.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: And I think that's been the thing for me and
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: even the men I've been with, they wanted to be married,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: they wanted to have kids, but there were other qualities
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: that I thought, like, I don't want to have a
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: kid with you. I don't want that commitment with you.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: So I've been in positions where I could have that
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: baby and I could be married, but I'm like, no,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: I just can't do this with you because I don't
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: want to be married and have a kid enough to
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: be stuck with someone for the rest of my life
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: that I don't want to be with. I never want
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: a kid in marriage that bad though, Like I will
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: be single with no kid and no marriage before I'm like,
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: I'll just marry this guy and have a kid with him,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: because whatever.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: That's an important distinction though, because there are some women,
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: well some people I guess, who really just want to
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: be married, Yeah, for whatever reason that they want to
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: be married, and their priority is not to be happy
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: in the marriage. The priority is not to have a
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: like good long life with someone. They just want to
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: check those boxes, yeah, and they're willing to compromise that
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: part in order to do that. And your journey is
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: your journey, whatever you want for.
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: You, if you like it, I love it for you.
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: But I feel you on that.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: And then that loops me back to the forgiveness thing.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: Do you feel like, because I hear what you're saying.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: We all want to be forgiven, right, we all want grace.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: But I do think in some ways in society we've
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: over corrected corrected with forgiveness. So the journey journey with me.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: I'm not a forgiving person. I do not forgive people
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: who do not take accountability. And i'm sorry doesn't slap
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: the second same the second time round. Okay, to quote Dave,
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: it doesn't. The first time you say I'm sorry, Okay,
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: the second time it'll get the same.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: Are you sorry? Because they're just that you did it again,
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: and like.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: Depending on what it is you did again, Yeah, you really,
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: this is who you are because I do want to
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: be given grace.
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: I'm not perfect. I don't.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: I make mistakes very rarely, but I do. And there's
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: a difference between a mistake and a choice. Yeah, because
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: if you knew the consequences, and once you get to
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: a certain age, you know the consequences of certain decisions.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: So I don't like I when people like, oh, you
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: got to forgive them for for you. It's not for them,
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: it's for you, Like, fuck off, I'm not forgiving them.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna die mad at them, okay, because they've done
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: nothing to account for what they've done to me or
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: to other people to fuck them?
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: Are you are you sound like you're a little more
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: forgiving me.
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: I am so conc Why are you.
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: Going on your journey to become less forgiving?
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: So I will say I am very forgiving, and I
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: think that stems from also, like coming from a family
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: in which you know, I had a lot of trauma,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: and you know now I have a relationship with my parents.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: You know my mom and I had to be forgiving
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: in order to have that right. And I feel like
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: forgiveness is more for me than the person because I
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: can forgive you and never fuck with you again like
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: I but I don't want to carry that anger.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: But can you forgive them even if they don't apologize?
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: No, No, I can.
• 13:59
  Speaker 4: I can.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I can, but I cannot let you back in my life.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: But yes, I can forgive. You know, my mom has
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: never apologized to me one time. I don't even think
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: she realizes or ever wants to admit what happened. But
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: I have forgiven her, I have, you know, and I
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: love her and I understand that where she like she
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: has been through whatever she's been through and she's a
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: product of her environment, her trauma, and I'm I'm we're good, like,
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: but will I let you back into my life outside
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: of family? Like my mom is an exception, even though
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: I'm off for someone cutting off their mom.
• 14:33
  Speaker 4: Dad whoever.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Like, I'm for that, but if you can't take accountability
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: and you can't show up, I won't let you back
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: in my life. No, But if you can take accountability,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: like I'm someone that believes in like a romantic gesture,
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: Like if you you did something and then you come
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: back and you're like apologizing and you're showing change behavior,
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: like I'm all for that. I'm all for that, and
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: that's might be my problem, but I'm a sucker for that,
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: not judging, but people say that they're usually yet no, no,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: I just.
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: I've been there.
• 15:05
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and I.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: Used to be a sucker for those as well. But
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: the purse lips is because they do they stay consistent
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: with the behavior afterwards, because a romantic gesture is just
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: a it's just that a gesture. Yeah, if you're behavior,
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: just not stay consistent. That's not as to say you
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: won't ever make a mistake again, But like, are you
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: going to do the thing that you did that.
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: Made me need this grand gesture to forgive you.
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: No, And you know what, I will say that I
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: think I have a different view on it because I
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: was in a position where I made the mistake and
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: the person left and then I like got them back,
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: and then you know, they it wasn't a man.
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: I would never do this with a man.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: I got them back, and then they were like, okay,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: let's you know, like let's redo it.
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: And then I made the mistake again.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like not the same mistake, but I didn't say
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: consistent with the change behavior in which like I promised
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: that I would do, and I got distracted, like my
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: dad was in the hospital. I was dealing with it
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: like it was just so much life stuff and I
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: felt overwhelmed. And then they left again, and then I
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: was just so traumatized.
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: I'm like, I will do right this.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Time, I promised, but like I couldn't even like fight
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: for it again because I felt so bad. Like, you know,
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: I get it if you make a mistake, but sometimes
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: like unfortunately, big things can make you realize like damn,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: I need to do better, you know what I mean,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: And sometimes you never get the opportunity with that person again.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: But it will change you and make you a better person.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: And I think that's what it did for me. But
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: probably if I had the opportunity with that person, I
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: wouldn't have done it again, Like I would have really
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: showed up.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Well, I think we're all the villain and someone's story.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: You know, at some point there's just that's inevitable because
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: none of us are perfect, and you know there there's
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: there's a growing, a growth journey that we all go on.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: So I think that's big of you though.
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: Like the part, the part where I get frustrated with
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: people is like if you're having the same consistent experience
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: person after person, friend after friend. Like I've had friends
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: who like they have the same experience with everyone, and
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: I'm like, babes, it's you, Like you are the one.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: You say you're sad about this, You're sad about that
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: you have the same experience with everyone. You're the one
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: that needs to make the change, Like let this last
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: experience be the last one. Yeah, Like like take the
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: pain that you're feeling about losing this this friends or
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: losing this job.
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: And funnel it.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: Into being a being better Yeah, And like it doesn't.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: You may not ever atone with that situation, but you
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: can you can stop this pattern.
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: Exactly one hundred per one hundred percent.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: I agree with that. Yeah, it's I feel you.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: It's it's doing work on yourself is very hard, and
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: it's why a lot of.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: People, Yeah, I like to do it and just being
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: alone with your thoughts and knowing, like we like to
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: vilify the person we were with because it makes us
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: feel better. It's like they were so evil, they were this,
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: so now I don't have to take accountability for anything
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: I did. They were the messed up person. And it's
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: like when you realize like you are a part of
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: the problem, like you play.
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: A role in your own suffering.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: And I feel like once you realize that and take accountability,
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: it hurts. It really fucking hurts to like dig deep
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: and realize, like, wow, I'm fucked up in a lot
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: of ways. It hurts. But once you go down deep
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: in there and you realize that you can do the
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: work to change it, you know. But I do still
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: believe that relationships are mirrors and there's a lot of
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: work you can't do when you're not in a relationship.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: Like we like to say we heal, we can do
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: all the ayahuasca and everything that you want to do.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: But when you get into that relationship, that is when
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: all those problems are gonna come up. And that's when
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: you either have to deal with them and deal with
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: them together, deal with them on your own and fight
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: through it, or you know, some people say, hey, I
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: can't do this, and they leave the relationship. But that's
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: what happens in relationships. Like I can be the most
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: healed bitch in America and I could get in a
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: relationship and now all of my trauma's coming up.
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: Because that's what relationships are for.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: They are mirrors into the things that you need to
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: work on, and they won't come up without those relationships.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: Or all you fucking preaching you are preaching. I'm gonna
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: give you an analogy. It's like, you do the practice right,
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: you're you're doing You're doing the two hundred free throws
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: every practice, all the drills. You don't have no defender
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: on you. Yep, Like, yeah, you might be perfect in practice,
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: but full speed in the game.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: Now, it's exactly exactly how.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: Do you recover from missing that free throw? Are do
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: you go back and throw your fit and get it
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: in the I used to text like, how do you
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: how do you put the practice to play?
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: And I and I do agree with that.
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: There it is important to take time alone in any
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: kind of sure and any kind of situation, whether it's
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: a friendship, whether it's a career, whether it's a relationship,
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: to self reflect and and and do the work of
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: the roots of why you you did that, the roots
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: of why to your point, you played a role in
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: your own suffering the habits that you want to change.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: But you can't really practice it until you are in
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: a situation like that again to implement it, and it
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: may not be seamless.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: One hundred percent one hundred percent that stuff comes up, and.
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: It's important to not promise that its good.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: That you need to present yourself as imperfect because we
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: all know that or be self deprecating because I hate
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: self deprecating shit, like people who are just constantly talking
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: bad about themselves. Like you can make a joke here
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: there I did sometimes, but like it's exhausting and it's
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: like listen, man, we done. All of us have been securities,
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: all of us have stuff were going through, Like we
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: got it. You're you're the most insecure, Like, congratulations, you
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: won the ribbon, but.
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: You know, you do have to make sure.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: I think if you have something that you've been working on,
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: that you're honest about that, Like, for sure, Hey, you know,
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: I want to show up better than I did last time,
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: but this is the thing I've been working on. So
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: if I'm if I'm a little rusty or a little clunky, yeah.
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: This is why.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, one hundred percent, I agree with that. I agree
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: with that one hundred percent.
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: It's uh, you know, I it's it's so it's so
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: ironical that you're talking about all this because I've just
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: been like, I'm really relating to a lot of the
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: things that you're saying, because that that healing journey is
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: really a journey and it's not a it's not a
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: it's not a it's not a process that is like, Okay,
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: we did this and now we're going to be this way.
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: We did this, We're not going to dis way, You're
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: never not going to be triggered again, You're never going
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: to be confronted with with those demons again. So just
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: to come full circle with everything, what is the thing
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: you're working on right now?
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: You know what I would say Number one is accepting
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: myself for who I am, whether you know, and I
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: don't mean that in a way where people are like
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: this is who I am and I'm not going to change,
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: But it's like accepting that I am this way for
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: whatever reason and then understanding like how to work on
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: those things but also let go and let what is happen,
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: like I have to because I think again, like I
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: live in this space of trying to control outcomes and
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: you don't control the outcome anyways, and you don't avoid
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: the pain. And it's like working through that, like being
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: being with myself and like hearing the things that I
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: don't want to hear and understanding those ugly parts of me,
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: like it's something I.
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: Avoided for a very long time.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: I know, love men how to say women don't take
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: accountability or whatever, but I still feel like even within
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: taking accountability, there's things that you hide your you hide
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: yourself from, like you don't want to admit it, but
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: getting in front of it and just be like this
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: is it, this is what it is, you know, and
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: understanding it and understanding that some things that people have
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: said about you are probably are true, Like I hate
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: to admit it that it probably maybe I am insecure,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: maybe I do see validation, maybe I do like you know,
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: these are things.
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: I've been told.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Maybe, yeah, maybe I do do these things. Why why
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: am I doing that? Instead of trying to defend so bad?
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: You know, why am I doing these things? And why
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: do I need that? And also there's a part of
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: understanding if that's okay with you, like, because there's things
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: that maybe you're okay with. Maybe I'm okay that I'm
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: this way, and I just got to find someone else
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: who's okay with that.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, yeah, you don't want to change yourself
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: too much, but listen, it's it's always good to.
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: Be self reflective. Yeah, and I actually push back.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: On the idea for men that women aren't don't take accountability.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: We are definitely in therapy more than y'all, thank you.
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: Even if we lie in therapy, we at least there
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: things okay, at least at least trying.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: But it's it's also important who you're getting feedback from, true,
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: because that is that is.
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: Something that I that is very dangerous.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: Like make sure that you're getting feedback from somebody just
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: because one one consistent note about you is across the board.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: Make sure the person who's giving it to you that
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: you're listening to is somebody that really loves you, somebody
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: who's earned the space in their life to.
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: Give you feedback.
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: Because taking feedback from somebody who's toxic, even if they're
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: telling the truth, it has a seed of something bad.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: Like like you got it, It's important to take notes
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: on yourself, but get it from get it from a
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: positive place.
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: So I thank you for sharing all that.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: I want to take a hard pivot into something that
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: I did not know about you.
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: Okay, I'm just I'm fascinated about this.
• 24:51
  Speaker 4: I think I know what you're gonna say. Maybe, but
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: go ahead.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: So you were in a call. I knew you were
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: going to say. Yeah. I did not know this.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Okay, you were gonna say this. I just talked about
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: this on Mandy and Wheezy's podcast.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: Okay, So are you okay? Shout out Many and Whezy.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: Are you okay talking about this?
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: I am, yeah, Okay. So I I'm fascinated by colts.
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: How you get into it?
• 25:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: And I want to ask about all that.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: The last like Cults documentary I watched was that TikTok
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: Dance Cult.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: Did you watch that?
• 25:25
  Speaker 4: I didn't watch it.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: I usually don't watch them, but I've seen I know
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: what you're talking about.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, in conclusion, I'd fuck that motherfucker up so quick.
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: He'd be in a he would be in a trunk.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: So this message to you, boy, I mean, it wouldn't
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: be coming for me anyway.
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: I can't dance but me either. But all right, So,
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: like I guess to start from the beginning.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so what was the like the preaching of the cult?
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: I guess so it was so I don't know if
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: you heard about like Paris Hilton basically talking about the
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: cult she was in, but it was similar to what
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: she shared. Like I was young, I was only fifteen.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: I was there from when I was like fifteen to seventeen.
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: So you were fifteen so your parents let you go?
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so my parents sent me there thinking that it
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: was something different than what it really was.
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: Was it a program?
• 26:17
  Speaker 4: It was supposed to be like a program.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: So basically, if you watch the Netflix docuentary the program,
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: it's literally what I went through. But basically, like two
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: a woman and a man came into my house. They
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: were like, we can do this the hardware, the easy way.
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: Da da da da.
• 26:31
  Speaker 4: They put me in the car. They drove me up
• 26:33
  Speaker 4: to these mountains. I get there.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: Hold on, hold on, So you're fifteen years old. Yes,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: the program is are you misbehaving?
• 26:44
  Speaker 4: So at this point, yeah, this is a whole thing.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: But basically, I grew up in like a hostile environment.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: My mother, who is Iranian, she's married my dad, he's black,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: and like, I have a sister, five sisters, but the
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: sister I have with her, she's tall, she's skinny. I
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: was always like curvy growing up, Like even when I
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: was young, I was tiny, but I had a big butt.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: And for my mom, she hated that, like it didn't
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: meet her societal expectation on what she wanted her family
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: to look like. So she would have family photoshoots without me.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: She just hated me, basically, and I think it was
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: just her own self rejection or whatever she went through.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: So when I got it's okay. When I got to
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: an age, I just couldn't take it anymore. So I
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: started running away. Mind, you come from my parents, you know,
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: are pretty wealthy, you know, but I decided to run
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: from their house and I was living in a stairwell
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: of an apartment building. I lived in the park. You know,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: I went through a lot, raped all the stuff. So
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: my dad was like, come home. Your mom's gonna get help.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Just we want you back at the house. So I'm like,
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: all right, I come home. The next morning, I wake up,
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: the people are in the house, the two people they
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: take me. I go up to this mountain. It's like trailers.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, this is crazy. And I get there
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: and you know, basically they tell me like the minimum's
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: a minimum amount of time you can be here is
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: like fifteen months. So I'm thinking, like that traumatized me.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: I was like, what, but are you going to do
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: school there? We didn't do school so literally, and I
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: think with my parents it was more say like so
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: and I know why, Like they recruited people right, so
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: like parents would come and visit and they would make
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: the girls who were brainwashed talk to the parents and
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: make them seem like da da da da. A lot
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: of people were brain loss so one like most counselors
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: that work there, were students that came back to council.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: Which one of the famous stories is a woman who
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: worked there who was a counselor she went there, she
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: got pregnant, and she killed her baby on site while
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: we were there. She's in jail for life, so like
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: she put her baby in like and a part of
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: her killing the baby. It's horrible, but like she was
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: scared to say she had a baby because it was
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: very religious, you know, like you can't have a baby, sex,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: out of wedlock, all these things. So it was an
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: older couple who owned this cult, and they think they're
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: still going. They keep changing the name of it and
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: like going different places type of thing. So basically we
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: worshiped them.
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: The couple.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so this wasn't Jesus base, No, it was them.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: They were Jesus and God. We worshiped them everything they did.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: We had to pray to them. We had to do
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: this obviously.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: So when you got there, they say that you're there
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: for fifteen months. This isn't something you wanted to do. No,
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: your parents are sending you. You're saying you're a traumatized team. Yeah,
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: you've gone through the stuff, being on the street, you've
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: been raped, you're you're already traumatized, and they tell you
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: have to be there for fifteen months, So you don't
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: want to be there.
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: So at what point do you start accepting?
• 29:57
  Speaker 4: Okay, so that you're there, well, just.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: Accepting what they're saying, because if you're if you don't,
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: the people who willingly get into these things are are
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: I cannot in the same way that I don't understand
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: a maga person like that part I don't understand, but
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: the people who are you you were forced into this situation.
• 30:19
  Speaker 3: So at what point did you submit? I guess?
• 30:21
  Speaker 4: So this is me.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: So I have a mind of a runaway because I
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: was a runaway for so long. And my biggest thing
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: is they make it so.
• 30:29
  Speaker 4: You can run.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: You can run if you want to run, but you're
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: in the mountains, mountain lines and all types of stuff,
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: and like people who run always get caught, they don't
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: get anywhere.
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: So they do it like you can run, you can go.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: And I decided like, okay, I can't run because I've
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: seen these girls run, and I'm like, the only thing
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: I can do is I can manipulate them and think,
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: make them think that I want to be here, and
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: just go along with the program.
• 30:58
  Speaker 4: Because it's a minimum of fifteen months you can be there.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: But women, little girls were there for years like three
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: four or five years literally, and some girls turned eighteen
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: there and they decided to stay and become like they
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: were so brainwashed into this program.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: Were a lot of the was it all girls? It
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: was all girls were and so he was the only man.
• 31:21
  Speaker 4: He was the only man.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: Were a lot of the girls there in similar states
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: to you, like their parents sent them there or.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: They can go, most of them some of them, but
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: we couldn't talk really, so like we couldn't talk for
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: like when you're first there, the first like three four months,
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: you don't talk at all except like worship, doing the
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: prayer stuff or whatever. And then like obviously with him
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: and her you can talk to them or whatever they
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: wanted to do with you or whatever, but you don't
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: talk to the other girls because they don't want you
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: to talk to other girls. So you guys can try
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: to run or get ideas to like leave and go together. Yeah,
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: So once you're there for a few months, you're on
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: a system. Everyone has like a letter that they're on.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: It goes from letter A to L three. You graduate
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: on L three and you get points by like doing
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: good things and da da da da and doing what
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: they wanted you to do and all of this stuff,
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: and you would move up and move up, move up.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: Then girls would run and they would come back in
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: their back on a you know, or they would.
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: Go get certain privileges. If you're on a different letter.
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: You get to talk more, so like you get to
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: talk for thirty minutes a day to the other girls.
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: But you can't talk about your life at home, any friends,
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: you had, any secular music, any like celebrities, anything. You
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: can only talk about like like just present moment whatever stuff.
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: But you can't even talk about like there's so many
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: restrictions how much you could say, so you just it's
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: like you barely can say anything. They have you on
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: a strict program. You know, you're like cooking for them
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: and you're doing.
• 32:55
  Speaker 4: All the stuff.
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: And then the crazy part about it is is I
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: left so my boyfriend that I had when I was young,
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: and everyone who I knew, all my friends, thought I died.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: So I lived in a world where people thought I
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: was dead. They had a memorial for me, they thought
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: I was dead. Literally, So when I came back finally,
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: people literally thought they saw a ghost. Like my best
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: friend who's still my best friend, he saw me and
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: literally almost feigned he thought like he could not believe it.
• 33:31
  Speaker 3: What did your parents tell them? When people are that thing?
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: So my parents were one of those people that like,
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: don't come to our house, like, don't talk to us.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: We're not telling nobody caught them at rouse. Yeah, like
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: one of my like they would like ignore. Like one
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: of my the best friend guy that I was telling
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: he would go to my parents' house. He had a
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: whole theory that he thought my parents murdered me. He
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: was like, I thought they killed you seriously. So yeah,
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: I was there, and I remember when I got to
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: the level where I was supposed to graduate, they didn't
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: move me up and I had the points and everything,
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: and they were like, but.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: At that point, were you still like locked in on
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: manipulating them or you had just like submitted to this
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: as your life.
• 34:12
  Speaker 4: I was very locked in on manipulation.
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: So you never really converted.
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: I never converted. I always really like these ones are crazy.
• 34:21
  Speaker 3: And your parents were do they check on you?
• 34:23
  Speaker 4: I can't talk to anybody.
• 34:24
  Speaker 3: But did they come to check on you?
• 34:26
  Speaker 4: No?
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: No, So your parents dropped you at this in the woods.
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: I think you got a phone call with your parents
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: when they felt like you wouldn't say anything, and they
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: would monitor you even when you went to the like
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: once in a while, like maybe if you did like
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: something good, they'll give you a call. And then like
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: even when you went to the bathroom, the door is open,
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: someone stands in front of the bathroom, you know, just
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: crazy stuff like I mean, it was crazy. I'm allergic
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: to fish. They forced me to eat fish. I was
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: in the hospital. They didn't let me tell the doctor
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: that I was allergic to fish because if you get
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: caught lying. They said I was lying, and then you
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: get you have to do like they put you somewhere.
• 35:10
  Speaker 4: It's a whole thing. It's it was.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: It was a lot, and I feel like there was
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: a lot all those girls, a lot of those girls
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: that are now like home.
• 35:19
  Speaker 4: I'll see them on Facebook, like they have a.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: Surviving the Program like group and like whatever, and I'll
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: see them and they're just so fucked up, like they're.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: So I mean, what you're saying is and like I
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: suffer from this as well. When I talk about traumatic stuff,
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: you're saying it's so matter of factly. Yeah, I am,
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: and and listen, Compartmentalizing is an incredible skill. Yeah, for survival.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: It's not really so good for your spirit. But yeah,
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: like you, you seem like a very high level compartmentalizer.
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: I am when you're top. But do you feel like
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: triggered when you talk about this? No.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: I mean there's certain parts of it that's like uh,
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: but I don't really feel that triggered. I mean I
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: haven't spoke about it a lot. You know, this is
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: probably the most in depth I've spoken about it. But
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: it doesn't really trigger me deeply. It's almost like again,
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: I disassociate. So it's like, Okay, it happened, but did it?
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: I know it did, But it was a large part
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: of like my teenage years, you know, like I didn't
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: go to prom, I didn't go to school dances, I
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: didn't go to high school like that at all. You know,
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: So this was my experience. This is what I went through,
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: And yeah, it was just it was a lot. And
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: like I said, those girls now, when I look at them,
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: I feel like, wow, I'm happy that I'm so strong
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: minded because they.
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: Are like so messed up.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: Even the lady who's in jail for life for killing
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: her baby, She's like, I love jail.
• 36:43
  Speaker 4: We braid each other's hair. I like, everyone loves me
• 36:46
  Speaker 4: like in her interviews and stuff, and it's like, what,
• 36:50
  Speaker 4: Like it's insane.
• 36:51
  Speaker 3: Were they held accountable at all for No, the baby's death?
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: No?
• 36:58
  Speaker 3: So what at what point did you escape? Leave?
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: So what happens is you get to go on a
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: home visit, like once you're about to graduate. So I
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: went home. You have all these rules though, you can't
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: talk to anyone, he can't do this.
• 37:15
  Speaker 4: Yet do that.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: So I went home and my parents they just start
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: one of those people that throw money and stuff. So
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: they didn't know like the rules of the thing. They
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: didn't really care. They just like I went home and
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: I remember going on AIM and I like hit up
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: my boyfriend that I had before I left, and I
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: was like, hey, Dron, like this is bizarre. Da da
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: da da da And he was like, yo, stop playing
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: like I know she's dead. Stop harassing me like all this.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, this is really me. And he's like,
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: what's the last thing we did?
• 37:48
  Speaker 4: And da da da?
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: And I told him and he was like, no fucking way.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, this is where I'm at, me and
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: me because I'm at my parents. They have they own businesses,
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: so I'm one of their offices. My dad's working and stuff.
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: So I'm like sneaking on the computer and I'm like,
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: this is where I'm at Downtown. Meet me at seven eleven,
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: like in thirty minutes, and he's like, i'll be there.
• 38:08
  Speaker 3: I go.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: I meet him at seven eleven and thirty minutes, I'm
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: like telling him everything. He's like, oh my god, this
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: is crazy. So he's like, we got to get you
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: out of this situation, like you can live with me.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: He just happened to be like doing well. He was
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: older than me, like whatever, so he was like, come
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: live with me.
• 38:25
  Speaker 4: Da da da da da da.
• 38:26
  Speaker 3: I left when you were seventeen.
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: I'm seventeen, but I was goinged to be eighteen in
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: like a few months.
• 38:32
  Speaker 4: So I'm like fuck it, like I'm gonna go.
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: I went with him, ended up being with him. That
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: ended up being another abusive situation. He bought me my
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: first car, took care of me, bought me house, everything,
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: but he was physically abusive, so I had to escape
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: him too. That took me years, but I ended up
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: escaping him finally. But yeah, that's how I got out
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: of that situation. I'm it's okay, that's hard.
• 39:02
  Speaker 3: That's a lot though.
• 39:03
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it was a lot. I will say it was
• 39:06
  Speaker 4: a lot.
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: Have you done like have you talked about it with
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: like a therapist and all that.
• 39:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure, I've talked about it in therapy.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: I've tried to like tell my parents like, hey, there's
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: a documentary called The Program. You should check it out
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: and see what I had to go through when I
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: was fifteen, and they just ignore it, like I don't
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: think they want to accept it or anything.
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: So it's like they, how do.
• 39:27
  Speaker 3: They find your parents?
• 39:29
  Speaker 4: I don't even know. I have no idea how they
• 39:32
  Speaker 4: found my parents. I really don't know.
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: But what I do know is so parents would come
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: up there to visit to see like should I send
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: my kid here?
• 39:40
  Speaker 4: And they would have the girls that were the most.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: Brainwashed talk to them and they would be like, we
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: love it here and we do all of this. They
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: never had me talk to a parent one time, So
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: as much as I felt like I manipulated them, I
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: still felt like they kind of were like mmmm, I
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: don't know, but yeah, they never they never had me
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: talk to parents, but I would hear them, oh, it's wonderful,
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: and and then a girl would come. And when the
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: girl would come in. You would just see her like traumatize.
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: You would just see so many young girls come in
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: there just like traumatized, you know, and a lot of
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: them were struggling.
• 40:17
  Speaker 4: They could not do it. They could not do it.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: They just kept running away or whatever, going crazy, and
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: they just stayed there for years and then they would
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: like brainwash a lot of these girls and they would
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: be like completely sold to the program.
• 40:36
  Speaker 3: That's horrible. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot to process.
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: Is do you think that it's I mean, I don't
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: know how it wouldn't, but you know, you go from
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: that to an abusive situation.
• 40:48
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: Do you find yourself caught like having a really hard
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: time trusting people?
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: You know what, it's so crazy you say that, because
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: I actually don't. That's my problem. I actually trust people
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: too quickly, like I want. I have a thing like
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: called positive projection. I think like, wow, I know I'm
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: a good person, and I mean, well I.
• 41:11
  Speaker 4: Can probably trust this person and they mean well.
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: And that has hurt me a lot, you know, because
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: I think I want something so bad to be real
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: and for me to be able to cling on to
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: it because I'm like I never had anyone like I
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: feel like for me, I went through life very alone,
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: you know, like I've always been very alone, Like I
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: don't have anybody like and you know, like the one
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: person that I had, which was my cousin, we gained
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: a connection at an older age, and she died suddenly,
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: you know, out the blue. So like for me, I
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: think that's why I have put so much effort into
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: my romantic relationships because I don't have a strong, a
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: whole bunch of friends, like cause I didn't get the
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: same opportunities as they did because I went to the
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: school then I was playing like all ketchup just trying to.
• 41:57
  Speaker 4: Be a normal girl like in the world.
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: For so long, like just trying to be regular and
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: just I always felt so abnormal and different and not
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: just like a normal person, so like it just just
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: it just made my life so strange for me. And
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: then like I never felt like I have like I
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: have friends that have like all these friends from college
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: and this and that, and I just never got that opportunity,
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: you know, and I had to really work hard just
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: to be like I'm a normal person and I'm going
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: to do this and I'm going to work hard for
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: myself and become these things and fight against all the
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: things I've been through because I started being you know,
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: I was started like even being sexualized from as young
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: as eight years old, you know. So now it's like
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: my whole life has been like trying to just catch
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: up to be a normal person. And I think that
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: that's what made me feel so alone in my life
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: and not really have a support system. And I think
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: that's why I even started talking. And even though I
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: feel like I've gotten far away from the things that
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: that I want to do with the impact that I
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: want to have, I wanted to be like more of
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: a mentor for young women because I never had that,
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: and I never had someone that like I can look
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: up to and talk to and just be like.
• 43:13
  Speaker 4: Hey, this is what I'm going through.
• 43:14
  Speaker 3: You know so well?
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: They say to, you know, make your pain your purpose. Yeah,
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: And I do think that if that's if that's something
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: you feel compelled to do it, it can be very
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: therapeutic in its own way. I hadn't talked about my
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: physical abuse for many years, and then when I eventually
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: did finally speak about it, I sort of like, you
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: have the ability now to talk about really terrible things
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: and kind of a matter of fact way, and it's
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: not It is a little jarring for people because you know,
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: they kind of want you to emote, but it's like
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: talking about it is part of the emoting. You know,
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: you don't have to be crying and you know, exhibiting
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: these you know, physical reactions to.
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: Have this be effective.
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: And when you can speak about it to with the
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: poise that you do, I think it's very impactful because
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: you can get to the root of what it is
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: that actually happened and like speak from a very practical
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: place about the real pain, yeah, that this causes. So
• 44:20
  Speaker 2: your parents have taken no accountability at all for this.
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: No, And you know, my parents are older, like my
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: dad's almost eighty, and like I just feel, you know,
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: they just are you know, that old school mentality of
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: just like don't talk about it, it can't happen, you know, not.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: Like we're just so much more advanced when it comes
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: to like speaking about our feelings, and I feel like
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: they just do not have that. You know, my mom
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: is from a foreign country. Who knows what happened to
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: her growing up. I don't know what she's been through.
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: She doesn't even speak about it. But you know, they
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: don't really talk.
• 44:53
  Speaker 3: About that at all.
• 44:55
  Speaker 4: We're good, Like I just saw my parents yesterday.
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: I was at their house, you know, but it is
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: something that I've been through, and you know, it's my experience,
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: and I don't think that unless you go through that experience.
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: Even as much as I try to explain it, it's
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: just hard to even like put into words. For a
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: long time, I didn't even really talk about it because
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: I just didn't even know, Like, how do I even
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: explain this to anybody? Now they have documentaries and stuff
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: so people can like, oh, just go watch this. Yeah,
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: you know, like my nephew who was obsessed with me,
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: like what happened to me? He watched the documentary like
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: one episode he's like I can't watch this anymore, Like
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, like he sexed me, Like I can't
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: believe you went through this, And I'm like, yeah, I
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: mean it's tough.
• 45:37
  Speaker 3: Do you do you have you talk to your siblings
• 45:38
  Speaker 3: about it?
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: So half five sisters, I'm only really close to one
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: on my sisters, so she knows about it to an extent,
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: But I also, like, I know they she feels so
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: bad that I don't want to give her too much,
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: because I don't want her.
• 45:52
  Speaker 4: To feel so like deep. You take a lot on
• 45:56
  Speaker 4: I know, I know, I know you.
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: Know, and I don't say that from a critical away.
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: I mean like you were giving a lot of grace
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: to a lot of people that really did some terrible
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: things to you. Not that I'm encouraging you to do anything,
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: but I you know, I admire your resilience, and you know,
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: I have not been in a cold, but yeah, I
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: know the feeling, not of that, but you know of
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: abuse and all those things, and you know it's not
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: you know, they did some it's condition you're forgiving, but
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: they did harm you, and I understand it. For me,
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: like the things that my father did to me, I
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: do not forgive him, for I don't speak to him.
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: But it's kind of like what we were talking about earlier,
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: where it's like I don't harbor deepresentment for him and
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: I don't care about why.
• 46:52
  Speaker 3: He did those things, but I accept that that's who.
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: He is, and that, in its own way, I guess,
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: helps me to process the pain of it because it's like, well,
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: that's who he is. I'm not gonna allow myself to
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: hope that he's a different person.
• 47:09
  Speaker 4: Yeah, do you.
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: How have you channeled all? I mean, that's a lot
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: of energy. Yeah, that's a lot. And that's that's just
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: one part of your chapter. I mean, yeah, you've spoken
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: publicly about your your wake game. Yeah, and and that
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: came from a traumatic Yeah.
• 47:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 47:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: I was robbed at gunpoint in my home, like three
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: men came in there.
• 47:36
  Speaker 4: I was sleeping.
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: I woke up, I saw him, and I literally I
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: have nights.
• 47:40
  Speaker 4: So I wake up screaming every night, every single night.
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's like, I don't know why I've done
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: like little sleep abne in all these tests, like they're like,
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: it's not that I'm sure it's a traumatic anxiety thing, right,
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: So that's probably how my trauma comes out. But I'll
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: wake up screaming and then I'll go back to sleep,
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: and sometimes I'll think I stop doing it, but I'll
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: be with like my partner whoever, and they're like, no,
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: you do it every night.
• 48:04
  Speaker 4: It's just I don't say anything.
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: So I woke up and I thought I was just tripping,
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: like so I went back to sleep and he was like, no, bitch,
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: get up. He put the gun to my head. He
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm not leaving here without anything whatever. He
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: went in my safe, he took a bunch of stuff.
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: They took jewelry, they took just a bunch of stuff
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: like that, whatever material things. And then after that experience,
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: you know, I had to move and all this stuff,
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: and I just went to food as an emotional like
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: I just started eating, eating, eating, to the point where
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: I got almost three hundred pounds.
• 48:39
  Speaker 4: I'm already thit girl, So like, you know, I.
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: Gained one hundred pounds and it was horrible, you know,
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: and I felt so bad about myself and I just
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: was like, I can't believe I'm here.
• 48:51
  Speaker 4: It was really low. I was in a relationship.
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: At the time, and the guy that I was with
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: was still with me or whatever the case, and of
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: course he was like cheating on me, which at the time,
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I get it, Like I got so big,
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: why would he want to like have sex with me?
• 49:04
  Speaker 4: Why would he want me?
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: But then like one day I was like fuck this,
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna lose this weight, and you know, I just
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: went hard. And those are the days where we didn't
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: have an exempic. I wish we did because that would
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: have been way easier for me. But there was no
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: exempig and monzieur on stuff. But I lost it. I
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: haven't came to back, thank god. But that was just
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: a really dark time for me. And I just went
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: to food, like you know, like some people go to
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: drugs liquor. I just was like, food is it for me?
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah? I mean food can be a deadly addiction. Yeah.
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: For you would think that the robbery just triggered the
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: whole of like it was just like the straw that
• 49:43
  Speaker 2: burger of the camel's back for your trauma.
• 49:44
  Speaker 4: It probably was. It was a lot.
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: And you know what's weird is I was still very
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: matter of fact about all of it. I remember I
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: cried the next day after it happened, like for a second.
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: My sister was like, what are you crying for? Like
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: you're gonna have to like move get over this shit,
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: Like da, da.
• 50:02
  Speaker 3: Dad, what are you crying for?
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: She's like, just you know, I have I come from
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: such a tough love situation.
• 50:08
  Speaker 3: That's not love. Yeah, I don't know her that if
• 50:11
  Speaker 3: she was here, that's not tough love. That's me.
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I was really hurt. I'll never forget that moment.
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: And I hope, I hope she doesn't see this, please
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: forgive me. But you know, I was like, oh my god,
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: you know, and so I was just like whatever, you
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: have to get over it. And this is so embarrassing
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: because it just shows how low my self esteem was.
• 50:31
  Speaker 4: But I remember going through it.
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: And then my boyfriend at the time, I caught him
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: like texting a girl and I remember going over there
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, why are you texting this girl? He's like, honestly,
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: your robbery has been a lot on me and I
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: needed someone else to vent too. And I literally sat there.
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: This is how low and insecure and how low and
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: fucked up I was, and was like, I get that,
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: I understand. I'm sorry that this has been a lot
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: on you. Ridiculous. I'm not that person anymore.
• 50:55
  Speaker 4: Thank god.
• 50:56
  Speaker 3: I hate these people.
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah no, I literally was like wow, And I stayed
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: with him, and you know, I want to sit through, like.
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: You know, it's okay to be insecure, yeah, you know,
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: and like I don't even know that I would say
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: that that's insecurity, Like that is a that's a trauma
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: response as well, when you go through really dark things.
• 51:18
  Speaker 2: Attachment to people in codependency is a real thing. I
• 51:22
  Speaker 2: was a codependent person for a really long time.
• 51:24
  Speaker 4: How did you break that? Please?
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: I tell me, you know what, it was an intentional thing.
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: And I got out of a very very bad relationship
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: and I started going to therapy, which I had gone
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: to therapy many times, but I went to I found
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: a black woman therapist who's around my age, because I'd
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: been through a bunch of different types of therapists, and
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: I was like, I really want someone who I feel like,
• 51:45
  Speaker 2: at least there's not an extra explanation for everything that
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: I have to have for what my experience is. Yes,
• 51:51
  Speaker 2: and I told her there's a lot wrong with me.
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: We got a lot to fix, But the one thing
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: that I really want to focus on is me being
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: co dependent. Like I do not want to continue having
• 52:07
  Speaker 2: the same type of people or relationships around me.
• 52:09
  Speaker 3: And I know that there are bad people in the world.
• 52:12
  Speaker 2: You cannot fix that there are bad people in the
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: world and that those people are hunting for prey.
• 52:17
  Speaker 3: But you can fix as an adult.
• 52:20
  Speaker 2: You're if you're not raised with the equipment to fight
• 52:23
  Speaker 2: those people off, which it sounds like you weren't. I
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: certainly wasn't, then you have to you have to build
• 52:29
  Speaker 2: that muscle and it might not even exist. So you
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: have to create and then make that muscle strong of you.
• 52:35
  Speaker 2: Won't accept less than what you deserve. You won't be
• 52:37
  Speaker 2: talked to any type of way. You will not feel
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: this deabilitating need for what you have perceived is love.
• 52:46
  Speaker 2: Because this person is comfortable having you around and abusing you.
• 52:50
  Speaker 3: That's not love. The anxiety that you feel then rewarded.
• 52:54
  Speaker 2: By this grand gesture to make you stay to then
• 52:56
  Speaker 2: go down again. Like that cycle is very addicting, but
• 53:00
  Speaker 2: it also can be a very deadly addiction. And so
• 53:03
  Speaker 2: for me, I was like, this is what's wrong with me,
• 53:06
  Speaker 2: codependent person. There's other things wrong with me too, but
• 53:08
  Speaker 2: for this thing, like I want to fix this. I
• 53:11
  Speaker 2: want to recognize why I have this pattern. I want
• 53:13
  Speaker 2: to get the tools to rid myself of that. We
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: can call it insecurity, but just really of that that
• 53:22
  Speaker 2: gap that's in my life and I need I need
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: to fix it. And I have may have over corrected
• 53:29
  Speaker 2: no that, but like it's really it was really really
• 53:32
  Speaker 2: hard work, Like yeah, and it was painful, but I
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: have I know, I don't even think about it. I
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: will never be in an abusive situation again. I won't
• 53:42
  Speaker 2: even be in a like bad icky situation situation again,
• 53:46
  Speaker 2: Like it's like even the thought of it, like the
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: first little sniff of it, I'm like, no, thank you,
• 53:52
  Speaker 2: it's not I'm not interested.
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: Do you know how huge that is to go from
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: being someone who suffers from code dependency and attachment to
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: be where you're at. Yes, that is a huge accomplishment.
• 54:05
  Speaker 4: No, seriously, thank you, and I congratulation.
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: I see it in friends now too, and I'm like, girl,
• 54:10
  Speaker 2: like you gotta you, gotta do it, like's gonna do
• 54:13
  Speaker 2: it for you.
• 54:14
  Speaker 4: I didn't even know. It's crazy you say that, because
• 54:16
  Speaker 4: for so long I didn't realize.
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: That was even a thing. I didn't know, Like I
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: started looking into it years ago when I got out
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: of the relationship that was bad, after the robbery and
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: all this, and I lost the weight, and I remember
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: reading I was so sad still, like I thought, I'm
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: gonna lose this weight and I'm going to look this
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: way again and I'm going to never care anymore. And
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: then that happened, and that was not the truth. It
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: was the farthest thing from the truth. I still felt horrible.
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: I still when I broke up with him, I still
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: felt so empty and just this gut feeling every day,
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: and I felt so horrible. And I started reading about codependency,
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: like to the point where there's AA for codependency.
• 54:53
  Speaker 4: I did not know that that.
• 54:55
  Speaker 3: Was a thing.
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: I never went, but I was seriously considering going because
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like, there is literally something wrong with me to
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: where I'm so attached and I have this codependency for
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: somebody and everyone in the world can see how they're
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: not a good person, They're not right for you, they're
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: horrible to you. Why do you want that? And I'm like, no,
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: because I love them, and.
• 55:15
  Speaker 3: It's just it's it's the way you do love them.
• 55:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like that's that that is something else that you
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: have to forgive in yourself, like they don't love you. Yeah,
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: but you you can love somebody and be codependent on
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: them as well. Like it doesn't mean that the situation
• 55:32
  Speaker 2: is not love, but you can love you and that's
• 55:36
  Speaker 2: that's what should be rewarded. It should be mutual, not rewarded.
• 55:39
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I mean it's and it is. I see
• 55:42
  Speaker 2: whether are those groups for it? Because you you can
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: say the situation until you.
• 55:45
  Speaker 4: Die, man.
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: And it's to the point where sometimes like I've noticed
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: that the situation had to end, like they had to
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: end it because I'm just like will hold on forever
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: to lie, like try to figure it out, try to
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: make it work. And I didn't realize that was a
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: real issue. That's a real attachment and codependency issue. And
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: the fact that you're in front of me and you've
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: done the work to get out of it. It really
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: it's inspiring because people more people need to know that
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: that's a real thing and that you can get out
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: of that situation and be far away from it. And
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: now I can honestly say I'm not you and I'm
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: not one hundred percent there, but I'm like way past
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: how I used to be. I mean, I used to
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: be horrible, it used to be bad, and now it's like, uh,
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna put up with that, you know, but
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: I'm not one hundred percent where you're at.
• 56:35
  Speaker 3: And I'm what takes I mean, it takes a long time.
• 56:38
  Speaker 2: But I will say for me, and I don't know
• 56:41
  Speaker 2: if this is for everyone, but you know, we talked about,
• 56:44
  Speaker 2: you know, practicing the work that you do in your relationships.
• 56:50
  Speaker 2: But I do think with codependency, for me at least
• 56:53
  Speaker 2: it did take being.
• 56:54
  Speaker 3: Alone, yeah, for a a certain amount.
• 56:57
  Speaker 2: Of time, because the part of breaking the codependency cycle
• 57:03
  Speaker 2: for me at least was not replacing that person with
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: another person to be code dependent on, and being comfortable
• 57:12
  Speaker 2: and full in being alone. And you know, one of
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: the things I was talking to a friend about this
• 57:18
  Speaker 2: this week, just some of the narratives that are particularly
• 57:21
  Speaker 2: online and you you know, host a relationships show, so
• 57:25
  Speaker 2: I know you're hyper aware of these conversations, but just
• 57:28
  Speaker 2: the sort of the encouragement in this trad wife propaganda
• 57:33
  Speaker 2: that's out there that you know, there is a box
• 57:35
  Speaker 2: to be checked for getting married, for having kids, for
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: just having.
• 57:39
  Speaker 3: A man, and that you know you're.
• 57:43
  Speaker 2: Less than for not having those things, not for having
• 57:47
  Speaker 2: a great relationship, a loving relationship, a good relationship, a supportive,
• 57:51
  Speaker 2: respectful relationship, a kind relationship, fulfilling, none of those things,
• 57:56
  Speaker 2: just a materialistic box checked. We don't know what's going
• 57:59
  Speaker 2: on in you're life. Just get this man that has
• 58:01
  Speaker 2: these things and do these things so that society can't say, oh,
• 58:04
  Speaker 2: you don't have kids, Oh you don't have a man,
• 58:06
  Speaker 2: oh you're not married. And the danger, the underlying danger
• 58:10
  Speaker 2: in that for me as somebody who's experienced these things
• 58:13
  Speaker 2: and now I know you have. Also is you're telling
• 58:16
  Speaker 2: people who may already have this, be predisposed to being codependent,
• 58:22
  Speaker 2: that not only do you not deserve better in your
• 58:26
  Speaker 2: life and you feel that, but also if you leave,
• 58:29
  Speaker 2: people are going to think less of you because you're
• 58:32
  Speaker 2: not checking these societal boxes by leaving this man, by
• 58:37
  Speaker 2: not having kids with this man, by prioritizing yourself, by
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: saying that you love yourself enough to be alone. And
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: you know, I realize I don't care about getting married.
• 58:48
  Speaker 2: I would get married. I don't care about it. I've
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: been married, I've been engaged. Like being having a partner
• 58:55
  Speaker 2: on paper is a huge, huge thing that we make
• 59:00
  Speaker 2: very light up these days because of these conversations.
• 59:03
  Speaker 3: But I say, I have to say, like being.
• 59:06
  Speaker 2: Alone is an amazing thing when you need to heal,
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: like you do need to feel confident in yourself, and
• 59:14
  Speaker 2: you not you with someone.
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: I agree with that one hundred percent. I think that's
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: so important. And I will to speak on what you
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: were saying. I've said this before. It's like you will
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: look down on me because I have standards. I won't
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: enter a relationship that's not going to be healthy for me.
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: But you'll praise a woman who might be getting abused
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: every night because just because she's married. And I'm like,
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: the you know, you're on the internet, Well why are
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: you single?
• 59:41
  Speaker 4: You're single, so you're this.
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: So it makes us as women feel like if I'm single,
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: that means I don't have any value to the worldre
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: And I'm just sick of that narrative because being single
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: is so empowering. And I tell Paul this because he's
• 59:55
  Speaker 1: like thirties plus you guys are so desperate to have someone,
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: and I'm.
• 59:59
  Speaker 4: Like again and like, yeah, you know, he says this, and.
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: I'm like, it's crazy you say this, because I think
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: it's the opposite. I think a lot of women that
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: are getting older realize the power and how they feel
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: alone and how men don't realize what you guys bring
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: is not always great and sometimes it just does not
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: feel good being with you guys, Like it weighs down on.
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 4: A woman and sometimes we don't want to deal with that.
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 1: And when I've been in those spaces where I'm alone
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, wow, like.
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 4: It's actually peaceful.
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: I actually feel good right now, you know, And I
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: do agree with you on that one hundred percent. I
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: think that message is really it's really bad. I don't
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 1: think it's a good message, and I think it encourages
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: people to stay in places where they don't need to
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: stay because they're like, if i'm here, if I leave
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: this person, then what like I lose value or I
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 1: can't find another man?
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 3: You know, Yeah, I mean there's so many men. There's
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 3: so many men.
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, they're everywhere. There's so many of them.
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 2: They're falling from this guy like it it's raining men. Literally,
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 2: there's there's a loneliness epidemic.
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 3: So I promise you there's men. They're they're literally fucking everywhere.
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 2: So I mean what I would say to a woman
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 2: who is in that position is like, yeah, there's ever there.
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 2: There's so there's as many men as there are women.
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 2: They're fucking literally everywhere. I understand that people have ideas
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 2: of what they want their partner to be exactly, and.
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 3: That can create a limited supply.
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 2: If you're like I want a six foot four, good looking,
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 2: full beard, six pack, drives this kind of car, has
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 2: this much money, lives in this type of house, has
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 2: this type of job, Like yeah, you're you, you are
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 2: you are limiting the pool and expanding his pool because
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 2: his pool is very big and your pool is very limited.
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 2: And that doesn't mean that you don't have value as
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 2: a woman. It just means it might be a little
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 2: more difficult for you.
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 3: Like, that's that's just.
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 2: And by the way, you have not used one descriptor
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 2: of anything that fucking matters. You haven't seen he's a
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 2: good person. Thank this person kind is it's a protector.
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 2: Is this is somebody who is loyal, Like none of
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 2: the qualities that are going to make your life happy
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 2: and make a good partner.
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 3: Have you used to just describe this person?
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I mean, I if you just want a man,
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 2: I don't like I don't even understaying those conversations.
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 3: I need to be married. Yeah, I'll be married tomorrow
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 3: later today. Actually that's what they're not today. The courtou
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 3: is closed tomorrow. I gotta have a husband. I can't
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 3: go back and.
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 2: Forth to these conversations. It's fucking stupid. You so like
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 2: it's a choice, thank you, And anyone who says otherwise,
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 2: suck my dick. You're fucking stupid. And it's not a conversation.
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 2: It's not a serious conversation, thank you. I don't have
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 2: unserious conversations, thank you. Men are not hard to find,
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 2: and it's not disrespectful to men. You guys are just
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 2: fucking everywhere.
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 4: Thank you.
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 3: And you would get married because having a wife is
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 3: beneficial to a man. Do you know how fucking good
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 3: my life would be by had a wife?
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 4: Thank you? And I might who knows, that might be
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 4: my next I ever have to pack.
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 3: Anything, like I never had to have a meal.
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm telling you, I really am thinking I might
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 1: need to get a wife, you know.
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 2: Or you could get a good, solid husband too, like
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 2: they do the same things as a wife. But like
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 2: the point is, yeah, please don't please don't stay in
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 2: these situations. If you take from this conversation, please don't
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 2: don't feel And it's hard. It's so hard, I know,
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 2: Like I can tell you it is so fucking hard
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 2: to break a codependent habit.
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 4: It is.
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 1: And I'm so proud of you, first of all, And
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 1: I want you to know, like if anyone hasn't tell
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 1: told you, I will tell you knowing how hard that is,
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: Like that is the biggest accomplishment, thank you, Like that
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: is no Seriously, it's like a huge accomplishment.
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 3: That is big. It's like breaking an addiction.
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: It literally literally is because that rules your world. If
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: you're codependent, attached, people can do anything to you because
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: you want them that bad. And I don't even know
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: if it's the person or it's just the case attachment.
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 2: The people who prey on codependent people, Yeah, all are
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 2: the same person. They're all abusers, they all have the
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 2: same personality profile, they all have the same goal. There
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 2: will be maybe this person doesn't take it to the
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 2: extreme that other people will, but all the same things
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 2: will happen throughout the course of the relationship. Like it
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 2: might not ever reach to a point where they kill you,
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 2: but there will be some variety of you know, this
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 2: is the meal that's served of abuse, because I mean
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 2: you once, I mean even now, you wouldn't want a
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 2: codependent man.
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 3: No, you're right, I don't. I don't want anything to
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 3: do with that. Yeah, it's and it's that's real.
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 4: I know. Yeah, I see what you're saying.
• 1:05:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to be a specific person to pray
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 1: on that type of person.
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but if I wanted to fuck somebody's life up.
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 2: I would find a go because I could do whatever
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 2: I wanted to them and they would put up with
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 2: it because their goal isn't to be happy, their goal
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 2: is to have a person.
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 3: Wow, that's and it's.
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm proud of you too, though if no
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 2: one has told you that is everything that you have
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 2: gone through. And this is obviously just a few stories,
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 2: but you know, you you have to continue to give
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 2: yourself grace. I talked about recently on the show about
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 2: grief and just the complexities of grief and and giving
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 2: yourself grace and getting clarity and adjusting to being a
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 2: new person after trauma and after you've grieved situations, you've
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 2: grieved changed, you've grieved friendships, you've grieved relationships, you've grieved death,
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 2: you know, and in a lot of ways, I was
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 2: talking about it because of the Justin Bieber Coachella performance.
• 1:06:11
  Speaker 2: I grieve my childhood because I didn't have one, and
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 2: it doesn't sound like it doesn't sound like you did either,
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 2: And that's a really sad thing, and a lot of
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 2: people don't and I don't think that people who didn't
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 2: have childhoods And but I mean by having childhoods, you
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 2: I didn't have the ability to be innocent as a child.
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 2: It's not that I didn't do things that other kids
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 2: did or to the outside looking in that I wasn't
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 2: treated as a kid. I didn't have innocence as a child,
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 2: and that robbery from adults taking that from a child
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 2: is horrific and it's not replaceable. You're only a child once.
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 2: As an adult, you can go through different things and
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 2: move through different traumas and have terrible experiences, but it's
• 1:06:59
  Speaker 2: a different level of control you have over your experience,
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 2: small amount of control, but you can choose to put
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 2: yourself in certain situations.
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 3: As a child, you have no choice. And I grieve
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 3: my childhood a lot.
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: Wow, that's actually gave me the chills because I never
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 1: even thought about it. I think I disassociate so much,
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: like there are so many sections of my life I
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: don't even think about or remember that. I don't even
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: go deep into my childhood ever, because I'm like, man,
• 1:07:28
  Speaker 1: I just keep it moving, like I have to keep
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 1: it moving.
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 4: I have to try to focus on this right here.
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 1: And like when you say it, and yeah, were you
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 1: saying because Justin Bieber did the child, he did the
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 1: thing as a child.
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if that was even the message that he was sending.
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 2: You know, art is obviously subjective, but I did feel
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 2: a little bit of that.
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 3: I saw that.
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 2: You know, he's been through a lot, obviously in this industry,
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 2: and he's a different artist now than he was when
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 2: he first started in the industry. And I think as
• 1:07:59
  Speaker 2: a person, obviously you go through changes, but sometimes bad
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 2: things happen to you that you didn't ask for that
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 2: you didn't put yourself in that position. You didn't go
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 2: do the the drug. You know that, Like, you didn't
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 2: ask for these things and they happen to you, and
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 2: then you have to adjust to to liking the new person.
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 3: That's hurt.
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 4: Pooh, that's real.
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like when you suffer, like from loss
• 1:08:27
  Speaker 1: or you any type of grief, do you think it
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 1: gets better because you've dealt with it before, Like can
• 1:08:33
  Speaker 1: you handle it better now or if it's the.
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 3: Same type of grief, any just any grief. Yeah.
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 2: You know, a lot of people have said to me,
• 1:08:42
  Speaker 2: particularly over the past year, like, you know, you don't
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 2: know what you know because because I've been constantly saying
• 1:08:49
  Speaker 2: like I'm not going to be the same person, and
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 2: they're trying to be encouraging and saying like, well, you
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 2: don't know, you could be better, and I'm.
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 4: Like, I don't think so.
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 3: So I don't think it's trending that way.
• 1:09:03
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying I'm gonna hate the new me or
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna be proud of the new me, but
• 1:09:09
  Speaker 2: do you I don't think I'm like, I don't think
• 1:09:11
  Speaker 2: it's trending towards making me like a kinder, more understanding,
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 2: more patience, more gracious, more forgiving person like the gonna
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 2: you know, those qualities are not gonna be encouraged by
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 2: these by this circumstance, you know, like maybe I'll be
• 1:09:26
  Speaker 2: better and that I'm more productive of myself, that I
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 2: have a smaller circle, that I'm more intentional in those ways. Maybe,
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 2: but I'm also like I'm not interested. I don't really
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 2: give a fuck about what it's going to add to
• 1:09:38
  Speaker 2: my life right now. I'm still recovering. So, like, you know,
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 2: it's like getting a scar. It's like, oh, like, oh,
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 2: it's a cool scar, Like I could have gone without it, right,
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 2: I was cool, Like I was cool without this fucking thing,
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 2: you know, without this hour trial, without this scarlet letter.
• 1:09:53
  Speaker 2: So yeah, like you have you take the ship that
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 2: you're given, you know, and you make the best of it.
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 3: But I don't know, like, do you do you feel
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 3: like you are better?
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say better, but I I mean, this is
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 1: what I will say when I suffer, like and I
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 1: go through things and I lose people or I lose
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 1: things d D. I'm always like, I've been through this
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 1: so many times? Why does it still hurt so bad?
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 1: Like I would think that it would be, Like, is
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 1: it easier You've already felt this, You've already lost people,
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 1: you've already done.
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 2: That's a good thing, it is because because apathy, what's
• 1:10:27
  Speaker 2: the quote, the opposite of love is indifference.
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 4: Yes, so it's not hate hate, it's indifference.
• 1:10:32
  Speaker 2: So you know, being apathetic, that's a bitter woman, you
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 2: know in some ways, although I know, I don't know,
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 2: Like being bitter, I think is still kind of an emotion.
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 2: Apathy where you feel nothing is dangerous. That might be
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 2: the hardest thing.
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 3: To come back from, really.
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 2: Because because you're not you don't care about anything, you
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 2: don't feel good, you don't feel bad, you know, you
• 1:10:55
  Speaker 2: don't feel deeply, and you're just.
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 3: Kind of numb to everything.
• 1:10:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which which I know I have tapped into as
• 1:11:02
  Speaker 2: a survival mechanism. Yeah, multiple times. Apathy doesn't scare me
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 2: as much as being bitter.
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 3: Though, But I think bitter is an emotion. I do
• 1:11:11
  Speaker 3: agree with you.
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, bitter is something I've always tried to fight because
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 2: I grew up around some really bitter people. Yeah, And
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, like that sounds that sucks, Like, yeah,
• 1:11:21
  Speaker 2: I don't. I do not want to wake up every
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 2: day filled with like this seething like, yeah, I would
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 2: rather feel nothing.
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 4: Yeah, bitterness.
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 1: And I've seen myself kind of tap into bitterness at
• 1:11:35
  Speaker 1: like once or twice, and it's so ugly. It's such
• 1:11:39
  Speaker 1: an ugly emotion because you're just so upset. And I
• 1:11:42
  Speaker 1: remember one time I had a friend and she was
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 1: venting about something with her boyfriend, and I was just
• 1:11:46
  Speaker 1: projecting bitterness. And she's checked me on it one day
• 1:11:50
  Speaker 1: and she was like, you know, I stopped talking to
• 1:11:51
  Speaker 1: you about him, and I was like, I realized that
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 1: what happened. She was like, you're projecting so much of
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 1: your bitterness, and that taught me her even being honest
• 1:11:58
  Speaker 1: with me.
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 4: Was like damn.
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 1: I was young and I remember that, and I'm like,
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 1: I do not want to be that person.
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I do not want to be that person.
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, what's the next? Uh?
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 2: Well, I guess like you know, you host a relationship show.
• 1:12:12
  Speaker 3: You're you're the only woman in the room.
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 2: Yes, you you have a lot of experiences, You're a
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 2: very complex person.
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 3: What is your goal with your show?
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 2: Like, what what do you what do you hope comes
• 1:12:32
  Speaker 2: across with your your content, because it's not as simple
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 2: as like just telling somebody they should split the bill.
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, I think, you know, even with truth
• 1:12:42
  Speaker 1: as a dark I do sometimes fear like we've lost
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 1: the plot when it comes to this gender war conversation.
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 1: I feel like, oh, yeah, we're yeahoked.
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 2: You know, at this point it's about what what goes
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 2: viral because because we are.
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 1: Exactly But I will say, like, just for me personally,
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 1: I do hope And this is what I'm working on
• 1:13:04
  Speaker 1: this year is to tap more into like the things
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 1: that I know, the wisdom that I have, and the
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 1: experiences that I've gone through to help other women, you know,
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 1: and just be vulnerable and be honest. I feel like
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 1: a lot of the Internet is highlight reels of everything
• 1:13:19
  Speaker 1: that's good, and sometimes it can be a sad place
• 1:13:21
  Speaker 1: if you're going through something and you're seeing things and
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 1: you're like, damn, well, why is my life feeling so horrible?
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 1: So I want to be able to inspire and like
• 1:13:30
  Speaker 1: talk to women and just like share my journey and
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 1: my story and just be a lot more vulnerable. I
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 1: think that I haven't been as vulnerable as I probably
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 1: could be, and I haven't shared a lot of the
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: things that I have gone through. You know, this is
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 1: always good because I feel like I share more than
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 1: you know I would typically on my show with Paul,
• 1:13:49
  Speaker 1: because that's just not our typical rhetoric, you know. But
• 1:13:54
  Speaker 1: that's kind of where I'm going, just like making a
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 1: lot more of my own content, just speaking to people
• 1:13:59
  Speaker 1: who've been through the things we've been through, and even
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 1: with my codependency journey, like sharing that and healing that
• 1:14:06
  Speaker 1: and like I, like you said earlier, that can be
• 1:14:08
  Speaker 1: very therapeutic for myself and you know, hopefully can help
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 1: other people in the process.
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I hope you.
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 2: I hope you do with what you know, with what
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 2: you feel comfortable with. Obviously, Like I know there are
• 1:14:20
  Speaker 2: certain things that I'm just not comfortable sharing. Yeah, same,
• 1:14:24
  Speaker 2: and you should share only what you feel comfortable with
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 2: because you know, in this world once it's this out.
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 3: Doubt about but you you will help people.
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 2: You know there is there's someone who's gonna hear your
• 1:14:41
  Speaker 2: story and relate to some part of it. And if
• 1:14:44
  Speaker 2: you're if you really are like honest about it and
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 2: truthful for the hard parts and the coming through the
• 1:14:51
  Speaker 2: other side, it cuts through to people, and I think
• 1:14:53
  Speaker 2: it gives you great depth to what you're saying, to
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 2: what your experiences are. You know, a lot of these
• 1:14:59
  Speaker 2: relations ship conversations obviously are very can be very surface,
• 1:15:03
  Speaker 2: and the internet doesn't allow for nuance, and you know
• 1:15:06
  Speaker 2: all those things. But when you have, when you come
• 1:15:09
  Speaker 2: from a place of power, which you take back when
• 1:15:13
  Speaker 2: you tell your story, you know, it gives you a
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 2: different perspective, Like it's it's very easy to say, okay, well,
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 2: like you know, I'm taking time to be by myself
• 1:15:20
  Speaker 2: right now, like okay, what he wants to wife it?
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 2: Like okay, That's That's one way of looking at that.
• 1:15:26
  Speaker 2: Another one is I've been through a lot of things
• 1:15:28
  Speaker 2: and I want to be whole for the next person
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 2: that comes into my life. I want to be able
• 1:15:33
  Speaker 2: to pour into them and you cannot pour from an
• 1:15:34
  Speaker 2: empty cup. So yeah, I mean I've been on a
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 2: vulnerability journey. I hate being vulnerable. God, I did not
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 2: like it. I don't like it in my life. I
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 2: don't like it in my friendship, Like I don't like
• 1:15:45
  Speaker 2: it in nothing. It's not a comfortable space for me
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 2: to be in. Yeah, so doing it on this show
• 1:15:52
  Speaker 2: has been like part of this show is forcing me
• 1:15:56
  Speaker 2: to be vulnerable, to tell stories, to like let people in,
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 2: and it's not an easy thing to do. So I'm
• 1:16:04
  Speaker 2: really grateful that you shared all that today. Thank you
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 2: for being open about it. It's a it's a it's
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 2: a lot, girl, it's a crazy story, it.
• 1:16:11
  Speaker 4: Is, and I appreciate you for sharing that with me.
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 1: I feel like you even helped me in a sense,
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 1: Like I that's why I know it's so important, you know,
• 1:16:19
  Speaker 1: to just be open, even though it is hard, because
• 1:16:22
  Speaker 1: people weaponize everything you've been through.
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 3: And they're leting people. People are the people. Fuck them.
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 2: Fuck you right, you didn't survive a cult, bitch. Fuck
• 1:16:31
  Speaker 2: you talking about give a fuck what you think? Right?
• 1:16:34
  Speaker 4: Exactly?
• 1:16:34
  Speaker 3: No, for sure, fucking fuck no way that you you should?
• 1:16:40
  Speaker 2: You know you're right like people do webinize things against you,
• 1:16:44
  Speaker 2: for sure, Like my people, people weaponize me talking about
• 1:16:48
  Speaker 2: abuse and all those things against me. But those people are,
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 2: their lives are awful exactly. That's not a normal thing
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 2: to say to somebody. So yeah, so I hope that
• 1:17:00
  Speaker 2: gives you some peace. Thank those are those are truly
• 1:17:04
  Speaker 2: awful people.
• 1:17:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I know, yeah, I know.
• 1:17:07
  Speaker 3: So wow. Well, thank you so much for coming by.
• 1:17:10
  Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you for being being honest and open
• 1:17:13
  Speaker 2: and sharing your story and I'm really proud of you.
• 1:17:17
  Speaker 4: Thank you.
• 1:17:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and make sure you check out Truth after Dark
• 1:17:20
  Speaker 2: and that you follow.
• 1:17:22
  Speaker 3: Oh wait, where's my note? Where's my note?
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 2: Okay, go follow azar At. I'm i am for you, dumbasses.
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 2: I'm a czar Faraday F A R I D E H.
• 1:17:34
  Speaker 3: Check out to that Dark. Is there anything else you
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 3: want anyone to do?
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 4: No, that's it.
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much. I really loved this space and
• 1:17:41
  Speaker 1: being on here. It was really great. Thank you for coming,
• 1:17:43
  Speaker 1: so of course, thank you,