Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Have You Outsourced Your Decision-Making?

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Have You Outsourced Your Decision-Making? · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And this episode is for anyone, whether you're still in a relationship, navigating your way through separation, divorce, or out the other side trying to recalibrate your life.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's for anyone who has struggled with decision fatigue or found themselves unable to make a decision, particularly solo.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Something landed in my inbox recently that I wanted to share here with you because it's something I see, something that comes up a lot in my work.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this message was from someone who I'd been speaking with across a couple of months.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: She's really thoughtful, she's self-aware, she's about 18 months out from finalizing her divorce on the other side, and she is in that recalibration, reclamation sort of phase.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: She's working with the therapist, she's doing the work, she's healing, she's reclaiming her life, getting on with things after separation, and she wrote this email to me to ask very genuinely, very carefully, very cautiously, whether I would actually consider her as a client, whether she was ready enough, whether we could get on the same page, whether I could help her, whether I would work with her.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because she really wasn't asking if coaching was right for her.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't asking even if I was the right coach for her.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: She was asking herself if she was allowed to say yes.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: She was asking permission of herself.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: She was asking herself whether she was allowed to say yes to herself.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I really want to talk about today.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to share something close to what I wrote back to her.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've changed enough of it to protect her privacy, but the essence of it I think belongs here because I suspect that it might help or land for some of you too.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I said something to her in my response, a little bit like the questions in your email aren't really about me.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: But what I can tell you is that the work is real, the process is guided by me, but is entirely yours, and that if you show up in the way you clearly want to, you won't leave unchanged.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Things will shift.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Should I stay, should I go, for a really long time?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing about making decisions.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say post-divorce, but it's not just post-divorce, even well, into divorce, even when you're in that should I stay, should I go face, it is loaded, and it's not just should I hire a coach, should I work with Stalia and should I sign up for that thing?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's layered with old conditioning, old permission structures, old voices, and we're gonna get into that in this episode a little more deeply because the real problem is actually a combination of decision fatigue.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You are overwhelmed, overloaded, making so many decisions on the daily, and also what I call outsourcing, outsourcing your decision making.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: When someone is navigating separation, divorce, they're making an almost uncountable, incomprehensible number of decisions, big ones with real long-term weight, legal, financial, logistical, parenting decisions, and all the small ones too, that somehow can feel equally enormous in the moment, even though they are quite simple and small decisions, they can feel huge because the sheer volume of all those decisions can be almost paralyzing, crushing.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Decision fatigue is real, and I see it regularly with my one-to-one clients.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there comes a point for many of them where a seemingly tiny, insignificant choice or decision what to have for dinner, what which movie to put on becomes this immovable wall.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not because that decision in and of itself really matters, because it doesn't really matter what you choose to have for dinner or what you watch on Netflix, right?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: But because the tank is completely empty, because they've already made a thousand decisions just that day.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And this one, this little tiny, seemingly insignificant one, might be the one that breaks them, right?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the first piece.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: The second piece is something I find even more interesting and honestly more revealing, and that's what I call outsourcing, outsourcing your decision making.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I mean.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us, many of us have spent years, sometimes decades, in a partnership where decisions and decision making were shared.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that looks like a true collaboration where you are making the decisions jointly, but sometimes, and often this happens without us even realizing that it's happening, it looks like deferring, it looks like checking, it looks like cross-referencing, it looks like getting the nod, getting the okay from the other person.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: You might recognize it, maybe you've done it.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I know I have, and I've seen clients do it, or a friend, you know, who you're out shopping, tries something on, takes a photo of the dress or the outfit, and sends it to her partner before she gives herself permission to buy it, before she buys it, even if it's her money and he's not going to cross-check, right?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Even if she earned that money all herself, even if she loves the outfit, she loves the dress, she still feels she needs to check.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's the woman who has a gut feeling about something, uh, a decision, a direction, but she doesn't trust it fully until confirming it with someone else.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that, yes, might be your partner, her partner, it might be her mother, it might be a friend, whoever has become her external compass, right?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, that externalizing, that outsourcing becomes a habit, and a habit that doesn't just dissolve when that person that you cross-check with is no longer a key player in your life.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: So when the relationship ends, when the separation is moved through, when the divorce is finalized, when there's no one to send that photo to, no one to cross-check with, something strange and destabilizing happens.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just loneliness, it's not just grief, it's something more specific here.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it is that she doesn't know how to trust her own yes.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: So she second guesses herself, she doubts her own judgment, and she wonders in often in ways that she can't quite put a finger on or can't quite articulate whether she's even worth the decision, worth the money, worth the space, worth the yes.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not as as it's not as specific as that, but that's what's underlying it.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Am I worthy of saying yes?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Am I worth the yes?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it shows up sometimes in the smallest of places.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: What to order at a restaurant when you're eating out alone for the first time or the first few times, which Netflix series to start without checking whether he or she would also like it?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: What to do with a Saturday afternoon that is perhaps for the very first time in a long time, in years, entirely open and entirely yours.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Those decisions can actually feel paralyzing.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, freedom is a word that everyone uses, and I know I use it about life after divorce, freedom, agency, choice, and it is right, it is freedom, and it can also feel at first in the beginning a little bit like failing, a little bit like failure.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do you actually do with this if you're experiencing this?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to really give you something practical, a framework, or more actually accurately, a series of moves that you can start using right now.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not a 500-step system, just a simple way of coming back to yourself when you notice that you've drifted out of your own agency, your own empowered decision making, you're outsourcing that to someone or something else, right?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're not you're not doing this because something's wrong with you, or you're not bad at making decisions, you're just out of practice at doing it, listening to only your own self, your own internal compass.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And just like working out at the gym or learning any new skill with repetition, with practice, you will get better at it.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And you start to build that bank of evidence for yourself, proof that you can actually make good, sound, solid decisions all by yourself.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Really good, grounded decisions that move you forward and into the life you most want to be living.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: That life that is yours, consciously chosen, crafted and created with care, all yours.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it starts with just three moves.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So move one is tune in.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're thinking about making a decision or making a choice, before you look outward, look externally for an answer, pause and look inward first.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't have to be for long, just first and ask yourself, what do I actually want here?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: You might still then cross-check that with your best friend, your sister, or your mum, right?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: You might still choose to do that, but really be clear on what you want here.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Not what's sensible, not what somebody else would approve of, not what's least likely to cause friction, what do you really want?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And start small if this feels foreign, if this is not something that you're used to doing.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Start small, genuinely small.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Coffee or tea this morning?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Window seat or the table near the bar?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to walk the long way or the short way home?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: These micro choices are practice, they're building evidence, they're repetitions, because that muscle that you're building, the I know what I want muscle, doesn't actually care whether the stakes are high or low here.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: It just needs use, repetition, practice.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so I invite you here to just reflect.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: When was the last time you made a decision, any decision, without consulting someone else, without imagining or preempting someone else's reaction?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: When was the last time you did that?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: It might have been today, it might have been five years ago, it might have been never.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Try and remember it and remember how it felt in your body.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: So move number two, and this is where I think it gets really interesting because most of us aren't just lacking the signal or unable to listen to our own voice.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: We're actually drowning it out with other voices.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: So whose voice is playing out in your head when you freeze on a decision or when you are overwhelmed by choice?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whose perhaps disapproval are you bracing for or expecting?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Whose standards are you trying to meet?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you trying to please or up ease?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: It might be your ex, it might be your current partner, it might be a parent, it might be a version of yourself from 10 years ago who learned lessons about wanting, you know, that perhaps wanting things was risky or selfish or too much, whatever that message is.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: So whose voice is it?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Name it, name that voice, just name it, and you don't have to actually make it mean anything enormous, you don't have to do a deep dive, just that's his voice or that's her voice, or that's the old story, and then again tune back into you, your voice, your wants, your needs, your desires, and what does my voice, my today voice, have to say?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine you are making this decision with no one watching, no one caring, no one to report back to, no one to justify yourself to.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine making that decision, and what would you choose?
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: So turn down the dial on all the other voices and see if you can tune in to your voice.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Strip out all the noise, what would you choose?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And move three.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is the one that's both super almost deceptively simple and also can be deeply confronting because the permission you've been waiting for, the signal that you're ready, that you're allowed, that the timing is right, it's not actually coming from all those other voices.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's not coming from outside.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: So the woman's email, my client's email, her beautiful, carefully, cautiously worded email was essentially asking me to be her permission slip.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And as coach, it's not my job to be that.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't give her that.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I didn't believe in her, but because it wouldn't have worked in the long run.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, a permission slip from someone else has a short, I was gonna say a short shelf life.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that's true, but what it does is it it impacts our capacity to hear our own thoughts and believe in our own capacity, right?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it also dissolves the next time, the next decision, the next moment that doubt creeps in.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to keep asking for it, you have to keep seeking it externally.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: The only permission that really holds across time is permission that you give yourself.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: So the question isn't should I stay, should I go?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: The question isn't, am I ready?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: The question isn't, can I do this?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: The question isn't, should I buy the dress, invest the money, purchase the course, pay for the coach, whatever it is?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: The question is really what would it look like to fully trust myself here, right now, with what I know?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's a really different question, and it's a much more honest one.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what would you do if you decided even just for today, even just for an hour, that you are the absolute authority on your own life?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: What would you do if that was your reality?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: How would your decision making change?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: So go inward, get quiet, then actively claim what you find there.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's what saying yes to yourself actually looks like in practice in real life.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the whole framework, and it's also if you let it be a whole new way of moving through your life.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what I really want to leave you with is a recognition that overwhelm and decision fatigue is very, very real.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're spinning in circles, trying to answer that, should I stay, should I leave, is this over question, or you're in the messy middle of separation, divorce, making all the big decisions, it is very real.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it also passes.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: But that outsourcing habit, that externally looking for permission, approval, that habit takes a little longer to shift, but it does shift, and often it can shift faster than you might expect.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Once you realize and you recognize what's actually happen happening, and start deliberately practicing, listening, tuning in, tuning out, going inward and saying yes to yourself.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're not feeling overwhelmed or unable to make a choice or a decision because you're bad at it or because there is something wrong with you.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: You are not bad at making decisions.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: You are perhaps just out of practice in making them on your own and for yourself.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: But practice changes things incrementally over time, every single time.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the life on the other side of this, that fully chosen, fully yours, no one else's voice in the room kind of life is not a fantasy.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not out of your reach.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's built one small decision by one small decision.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's the small decisions, sometimes it's the bigger ones.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: But with practice, those decisions can become internal and all yours.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if something in today's episode nudged at you, struck a nerve, if you recognize yourself in any of this, wherever you are on your relationship, separation, divorce pathway, I'd love to talk to you.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: My one-to-one coaching is designed for exactly this kind of work.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not just navigating divorce, but figuring out who you are and what you want on the other side.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: The recalibration, the reclamation piece.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Spots are limited to work with me because I keep my client load small and intentional.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: But the link to book an intro call is always in the show notes.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And one more thing, if you're not already on my mailing list, and I promise there's no spammy stuff coming your way, if you are, I would really encourage you to sign up, get on it, again, link in the show notes because I've got some really interesting things coming through 2026, something that I've been building quietly for a while now, and it's for you if you are almost at the end or past the hard part and ready for the good parts, the full pleasure-filled, deeply chosen good part.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't quite have a public home yet, but it will, and my mailing list will be the first to know.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, link in the show notes to sign up to that episodic mailing list.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's it for me today.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would benefit from listening to this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Until then