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Jennifer with Coffee - Episode 19 - Easy Mindset Strategies (Solo Episode) · Jennifer with Coffee

• 0:00
  [music]
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Jennifer with Coffee, a mindset podcast for people who are looking for real change.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jennifer Lauer, writer, yogi, and fitness fanatic.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Lately, I've been having lots of coffee meetups, long,
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: honest conversations that delve into mindset,
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  SPEAKER_00: identity, choices, and habits that shape our lives.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I kept thinking how I wanted to share these conversations.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: So here we are.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode moves in three beats.
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  SPEAKER_00: An inspirational story, an interview with thinkers, builders, athletes, and artists.
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  SPEAKER_00: People who want to share their own transformations.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we'll end with a brief meditation to practice calming the nervous system.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you've been connecting with the stories and conversations here,
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  SPEAKER_00: I've also written some fiction that explore emotional spaces.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: One is an AI dystopia, and the others are part of a paranormal mystery series.
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  SPEAKER_00: So if you're ever curious, you can find them on my website, jenniferlauer.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: Today's inspo is about mantras we can give to kids and it's part of an idea
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: that we can rewire the brain to think more positive thoughts
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  SPEAKER_00: because our brains naturally go to the negative.
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  SPEAKER_00: Which is an important biological reason.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, when we were out on the savannah hunting, we needed to be alert for wild animals.
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  SPEAKER_00: If we ate a berry and we got sick for two days,
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  SPEAKER_00: we would remember that berry was bad because it would cause our brain
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  SPEAKER_00: to make this deep, The Delicate Papers.
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  SPEAKER_00: Those basic instincts of survival are hardwired.
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  SPEAKER_00: A way to help hardwire more positive things for our modern world is
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  SPEAKER_00: by adding mantras to the pathway.
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  SPEAKER_00: One of the ways that I've I've tried
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  SPEAKER_00: to help my kids develop those positive pathways is by doing mantras and I've read
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  SPEAKER_00: so many mantras and I'm sure I got these from books and podcasts.
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  SPEAKER_00: Here is the one that I have had my kids do since they were little.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're better at repeating it than other times but We had this goal
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  SPEAKER_00: during elementary school that every day before school they would have to say
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  SPEAKER_00: the mantra.
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  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they did it very begrudgingly.
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  SPEAKER_00: However,
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  SPEAKER_00: I have the hope that one day when they're grown up and going through something hard,
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  SPEAKER_00: there will be in the back of their mind these positive words.
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  SPEAKER_00: So the mantra that we use is, I am kind, I am calm, I am brave, I am loved.
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  SPEAKER_00: So those four things, I am kind, I am calm, I am brave, I am loved.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I have to say that since we started doing it,
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  SPEAKER_00: I have used that myself when I'm going through something difficult.
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  SPEAKER_00: I hope that helps if that's something you're interested in.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's a nice thing to do right before bed or right before school
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  SPEAKER_00: and you just have them repeat it out loud.
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  SPEAKER_00: I am kind, I am calm, I am brave, I am loved.
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  SPEAKER_00: Music Today's episode is going to be a solo episode where we're going
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  SPEAKER_00: to discuss mindset strategies.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you're struggling with accomplishing a goal,
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  SPEAKER_00: today we're going to talk about some strategies that I've used to get beyond
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  SPEAKER_00: the struggle and make it happen.
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  SPEAKER_00: I understand life gets in the way.
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  SPEAKER_00: We have family responsibilities,
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  SPEAKER_00: health struggles, either of our own or close family and friends.
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  SPEAKER_00: We have work obligations and social ties and commitments.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when all is said and done,
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  SPEAKER_00: it often leaves our time and our energy unavailable for the goals
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  SPEAKER_00: and dreams we have.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to go over five things that have worked for me
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  SPEAKER_00: and tell you exactly what I did and And how long it took for me
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  SPEAKER_00: to accomplish said goal.
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  SPEAKER_00: One thing that truly changed the way that I look
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  SPEAKER_00: at goal setting was reading Carol Dweck's book,
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  SPEAKER_00: Mindset, The New Psychology of Success.
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  SPEAKER_00: In it, she coins the term growth mindset.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of people grow up learning about growth mindset, but I did not.
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  SPEAKER_00: This was all new information for me and really changed the way I thought about
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  SPEAKER_00: The first one we're going to talk about is adding yet to something you want
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  SPEAKER_00: to achieve.
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  SPEAKER_00: We'll start with the low-lying fruit for me, which was I had wanted to become an author.
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  SPEAKER_00: Every New Year's Eve,
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  SPEAKER_00: I would take out my notebook and write down 10 goals that I had for
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  SPEAKER_00: the upcoming year.
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  SPEAKER_00: I do think there's something about the reset of a new year and it became
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  SPEAKER_00: a great time to Set out my goals and have a plan.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, you could do this on New Year's Eve.
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  SPEAKER_00: You could do this on your birthday.
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  SPEAKER_00: You could do this every season.
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  SPEAKER_00: You could never do it.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's up to you.
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  SPEAKER_00: But for me, I would make goals every New Year's Eve.
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  SPEAKER_00: And every New Year's Eve, I would put the goal on my list, probably number one, author.
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  SPEAKER_00: Become an author.
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  SPEAKER_00: Write a book.
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  SPEAKER_00: This was literally on my list for at least 10 years.
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  SPEAKER_00: Every time I would put it on my list, I would revisit my goals.
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  SPEAKER_00: When the next year came, I would never get to cross that off my list.
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  SPEAKER_00: The idea of adding yet really helped change the way that I thought about it.
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  SPEAKER_00: So instead of thinking, I'm a failure.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm not an author.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a writer.
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  SPEAKER_00: I added the word yet.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when I read this in the book,
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  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking, oh,
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  SPEAKER_00: that's a really good way to think about it,
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  SPEAKER_00: but I'm never going to remember to do that.
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  SPEAKER_00: I started thinking of myself as I'm not an author yet instead of I'll never be
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  SPEAKER_00: an author or I failed to finish my work and get myself to that goal.
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  SPEAKER_00: And this can work with so many goals.
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  SPEAKER_00: No matter what you are thinking about doing,
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  SPEAKER_00: just tell yourself you're not there yet because it just...
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  SPEAKER_00: Every goal takes baby steps and consistency to get there.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if your big dream is to go to space,
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  SPEAKER_00: if your big dream is to get a dog,
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  SPEAKER_00: if your big dream is to write a book or become a movie star,
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  SPEAKER_00: whatever your dream is, just add I'm not there yet.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it somehow makes it a little more palatable as you go about the business of becoming.
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  SPEAKER_00: One other little thing that I have talked about before
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  SPEAKER_00: So one of my dear friends gave me a little bracelet,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know, like the little friendship beaded bracelets with the letters.
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  SPEAKER_00: And she gave me one that she made before I had even finished a book.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it just said, Jen author.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I wore that bracelet.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it was such a good reminder to me that this is something I was becoming,
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  SPEAKER_00: that I wasn't there yet, but I would become that.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I have to say that now I am an author.
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  SPEAKER_00: I feel very strongly that thinking about the becoming of it really helped change
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  SPEAKER_00: and get me to that place.
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  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are now, you will get there.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're just not there yet.
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  SPEAKER_00: Number two, this one sounds great, but when you're in the moment, it's really, really hard.
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  SPEAKER_00: I feel like this is a really big challenge,
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  SPEAKER_00: but if you can master this, it will be really helpful in your journey.
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  SPEAKER_00: Expect setbacks and keep going.
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  SPEAKER_00: My recent version of this is when I decided to do a Solo Hyrox race.
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  SPEAKER_00: I trained for months for this race.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to get the best time that I could.
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  SPEAKER_00: I worked really hard.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was all excited for this race.
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  SPEAKER_00: I had to travel to Phoenix.
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  SPEAKER_00: On the day before the race, I got a migraine.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is not abnormal in my life.
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  SPEAKER_00: I do get migraines, but having it happen right at the moment of the race was so frustrating.
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  SPEAKER_00: And yes,
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  SPEAKER_00: I had medication,
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  SPEAKER_00: but of course,
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  SPEAKER_00: I was nervous about taking it while doing the race that was going to be so hard
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  SPEAKER_00: on my body.
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  SPEAKER_00: I have to say that during the race,
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  SPEAKER_00: instead of it being like all of the training that I'd done, it was so hard.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was much harder.
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  SPEAKER_00: All of the things that happen when you have The lights,
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  SPEAKER_00: the sounds, all of your senses are at the highest volume possible.
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  SPEAKER_00: I really struggled during that race and I wanted to quit so many times.
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  SPEAKER_00: But while I was preparing for the race,
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  SPEAKER_00: I did tell myself there are going to be setbacks that you can't plan for.
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  SPEAKER_00: I tried to plan for the unplannable.
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  SPEAKER_00: That little bit of expectation that I had that something could go wrong and
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  SPEAKER_00: that I needed to just keep going.
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  SPEAKER_00: And there were many, many setbacks.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you want to listen to my Hyrox experience,
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  SPEAKER_00: I did record two podcasts, the before training and then the after of the race.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you look back in the episodes, you can find those.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I go over every detail of the Hyrox because it was quite an experience.
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  SPEAKER_00: I would say that whatever your goal is,
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  SPEAKER_00: instead of just looking at it as this big shiny trophy that you get,
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  SPEAKER_00: whether it's running a marathon or getting a promotion or Or writing a book.
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  SPEAKER_00: Whatever your goal is.
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  SPEAKER_00: Remember that on your way there, on the journey to that goal, expect setbacks and keep going.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just remind yourself you are going to have things come up that you couldn't plan for
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  SPEAKER_00: if you tried.
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  SPEAKER_00: When you know that going in and you don't expect it to be this smooth path up,
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  SPEAKER_00: it makes it easier to keep going past that roadblock.
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  SPEAKER_00: Expect the setback is number two and then just keep going.
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  SPEAKER_00: Number three.
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  SPEAKER_00: Use criticism to improve rather than implode.
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  SPEAKER_00: I will say,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: this one was a hard one for me to learn over my lifetime,
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  SPEAKER_00: but because I feel everything so deeply and I used to be a much more black
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  SPEAKER_00: and white thinker when it came to critiques.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I Now I can hear a critique and use it to fuel myself.
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  SPEAKER_00: Earlier in my life, I would just take it as a sign that this was a roadblock.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're not cut out for this.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's throw in the towel.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was very harsh on myself.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I've learned for the things that I really truly want and things that truly align
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  SPEAKER_00: for me,
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  SPEAKER_00: all I need to do is take the criticism and either I agree with it or I disagree
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  SPEAKER_00: with it.
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  SPEAKER_00: If I agree with it, I use it to inform my next step.
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  SPEAKER_00: If I don't agree with it, I let it go.
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  SPEAKER_00: An example,
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  SPEAKER_00: when I was working on my first novel,
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  SPEAKER_00: I was just iterating and iterating on the first chunk of the book.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I think I was like in the first 150 pages trying to perfect, especially the beginning.
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  SPEAKER_00: Everyone talks about how important it is to hook the reader.
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  SPEAKER_00: And how the beginning needs to really move.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I had all of these books that I'd read about writing a book in my head.
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  SPEAKER_00: And all of these authors in my head.
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  SPEAKER_00: I heard about this editor who worked for one of the big five publishing houses.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the editor was doing some freelance work.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think someone had given me their info.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was so excited but also a little nervous.
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  SPEAKER_00: And basically what you would do is you would send them 50 pages of your manuscript for a fee.
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  SPEAKER_00: They would give you an edit and they would tell you what they thought about it.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh, well,
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  SPEAKER_00: this will be great because I've been working on these first 150 pages for like,
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: At that point, probably a year.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I sent out the 50 pages and when I received the edit back, it was devastating to me.
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  SPEAKER_00: One of the biggest notes,
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  SPEAKER_00: so like the first chapter of the book,
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  SPEAKER_00: was basically an argument between the main character and her husband.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it was so realistic and painful.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I tried to make it so real.
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  SPEAKER_00: I went over it and over it,
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: used every metaphor that I could and, you know, all of the pretty words.
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  SPEAKER_00: The editor was just like, this is very well written.
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  SPEAKER_00: However, it's really hard to read.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like it's not enjoyable for the reader.
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  SPEAKER_00: I took that to heart.
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  SPEAKER_00: So hard.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And all I thought was, what an idiot I am.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like, how did I not think of that?
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  SPEAKER_00: Who wants to read dark, sad, heavy?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, there are plenty of books that start with arguments.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: There are plenty of books that start in a dark, heavy way, and that's perfectly fine.
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  SPEAKER_00: But at this point in my career,
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: in my life,
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  SPEAKER_00: I took it to mean I was terrible before I began and
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  SPEAKER_00: that I should never write another word again.
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  SPEAKER_00: I took that criticism.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, this is a big editor and they know what they're doing and this is terrible.
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  SPEAKER_00: I could have read that same exact criticism to read as like,
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: oh, she said it was very well written.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I could have taken that as like, well, at least the writing is decent.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, oh, it's horrible.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was thoughtless.
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  SPEAKER_00: How could I start a book like this?
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  SPEAKER_00: Started the story from another point.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I considered the note and I agreed for the kind of book that I was writing,
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: which was a fantasy novel, should not have been so heavy to the start.
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  SPEAKER_00: It just didn't fit the story I was telling.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I just started in a new place.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: That gave me the confidence that I could keep going despite getting this critique.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: I won't ever forget it because it was true.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: All of the things she said were true and also I could have taken that criticism
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  SPEAKER_00: to say no this is what I want this is what I'm trying to say with this book
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  SPEAKER_00: but it really wasn't and I think that's really what she saw
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  SPEAKER_00: in it was this is not really aligned with the rest of the book that you're writing.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to make it as good as I could instead
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  SPEAKER_00: of thinking how can this be better for the reader.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: This mindset strategy is use criticism to improve rather than implode.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: 4.
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  SPEAKER_00: Develop the kind of person you are instead of what you have achieved.
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  SPEAKER_00: Make it more of an identity change.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: I always like to tell my kids, there's always someone better than you and always someone worse.
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  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to anything, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: Someone always has more Pokemon than you.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Someone always has less Pokemon than you.
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  SPEAKER_00: I just find it's like a good barometer for all of us to remember when we're looking
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  SPEAKER_00: to other people to...
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Decide where we sit.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a healthy practice to remember to be grateful for what you have and where you are.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can strive for more if you'd like.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is a lesson that I feel like repeats in my life all of the time.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maya Angelou says, people don't remember what you said.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: They remember how you made them feel.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's the kind of person that you are, not what you achieved.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can't take your achievements with you at the end of this journey.
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  SPEAKER_00: All you can do is be the kind of person that you want to be.
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  SPEAKER_00: And you can decide that at any time.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes I find it better to make lists.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm such a list maker.
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  SPEAKER_00: Instead of making a list of goals,
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: make a list of attributes of the kind of person that you want to be.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then maybe you can decide what goals would accentuate that.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a very ambitious person, so it's not like I don't have...
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then the fifth one,
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  SPEAKER_00: use other people's success as fuel rather than using it as a way to feel bad
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: about what you have.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been an avid reader.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: I would read Margaret Atwood and Octavia Butler and be astounded by the talent
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: that they had to tell this really great story as well as write beautiful prose.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: When I started writing through all the different variations of poetry,
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: plays, TV, film, and novels, I want to be as good as dot dot dot.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the ways that you can use other I'm not there yet.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's something that you could get to one day.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I just find it really helpful when I'm reading something really freaking good.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I tell myself, I haven't written a book this good yet.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to remember this one as I'm writing.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be thinking about this person and what they were able to achieve
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  SPEAKER_00: in words as I move to my next level.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: It makes it fun that way.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I actually really enjoy the process of improving.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like most writers,
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  SPEAKER_00: you look back at old things that you've done and yeah,
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  SPEAKER_00: you can be proud that you accomplished it,
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: but you'd probably want to completely redo it and improve it if you could.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of looking at other people's success as a way to make yourself feel bad
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  SPEAKER_00: that you're not at that level, look at it as an inspiration.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: That way you still get your work done.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: You still get to go on your journey, become the person that you want to become.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: Those are my mindset strategies.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that something I said helped you and that you will go forth and just take
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: a baby step toward a goal.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Even if that baby step is just telling yourself you're not there yet.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: The only person you need to impress is you.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're not an astronaut yet.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're not in the NBA yet.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: If this is something you truly desire, Then go for it.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Today's breaths are going to focus on rest.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: How often do you give yourself permission to rest?
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's during the day or on the weekends or in the evening,
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: let's take these three breaths and remind ourselves about the importance of rest.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: When we inhale, maybe we can Extend our bellies.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then when we exhale, can we relax the shoulders?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Take a nice deep inhale and hold it at the top.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Exhale, allowing the shoulders to come down.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe allow the lips to part, relaxing the jaw.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: And a second inhale.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Again, we hold it at the top.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Exhale, allowing those shoulders to drop.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Again on this third inhale, allow the belly to extend, filling with air.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: And a deep inhale.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hold it at the top and a nice slow exhale,
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: allowing the shoulders to release, the jaw to release.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Today, see if you can give yourself some extra breaths of rest,
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: permission to rest,
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: allowing the body to recover from all of the stimulation we have today.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Jennifer with Coffee.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Follow us on Instagram at jenniferwithcoffee and on Substack.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: This has been a Kings of Content production.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Music by Oreo CC.