Latest / Pod Therapy / #354: Autistic Child's Needs, Boyfriend Hates Mother, Feminine Energy

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#354: Autistic Child's Needs, Boyfriend Hates Mother, Feminine Energy · Pod Therapy

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  Speaker 1: in episode, how easily easily. But we've got some great
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: questions for today's show Whitney Today, Choo Whitney. Uh, that's
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Italian boys. I've been to Italy, so yeah, this is school. Yeah.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I went to Italy and Greece in high school.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: I did.
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  Speaker 1: I went to Uh, Florence and Venice in Rome and
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: Italy or are they.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Where's Athens?
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  Speaker 1: That was in Greece. I hopped the border to Greece,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: and then I went through the Mediterranean aisles. I went
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: to Minks and Patmos.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: All right, you hopped the border from Italy to Greece.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: I went to Ephesus. Yeah, it's a Delphi. So I
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: saw a bunch of ship. I just didn't the oracle
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: was the oracle. And then we raced the original.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: I call it Delphi.
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  Speaker 3: We raised on the original. That was probably definitely not
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: that my favorite. I don't know which is right. I
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: don't know if it's Delfi or Delphi. I'm pretty sure
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: it's Delfi. Okay, yeah, I think it's dep High del Delphi.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: I think Delhi, Delphi, Delphi. Now I want to say,
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: I want to say Delphi.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Oh, come on, I think Delphi is also where they
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: have like the navel of the world.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: Oh, I believe that's in Delphi.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: The center of the earth.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's what they believed at that point. Okay,
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: I don't I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: That guy was from Greece. He thought that the center
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: of the world was probably also in his native country, right,
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: probably maybe, Yeah, he probably wasn't from Turkey. Yeah, yeah,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: my my favorite meal when I was doing my tour
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: day Europe.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: I guess is this all Europe?
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  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: I have to go back and watch three hundred, but yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it was the McDonald's and Athens. That was Delphi Greek there.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: It is, Yeah, located in the pan Hellenic sanctuary of
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: Delphi and Greek myth.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: Oh so it's a Greek myth thing.
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  Speaker 2: Zeus sent two eagles to.
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  Speaker 3: Find the navel of the world, and Delphi u was
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: named that spot.
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  Speaker 1: Of all the things that that Zeus would want to find,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: the belly button of a planet.
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  Speaker 3: Yep, huh yeah, oh yeah, there's like there's no statue.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: Oh there you go, the belly button statue.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: There it is. You see that when you were there.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the statue that come out. Yeah, the thing that's
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: just the giant button plugs.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: It's an audi.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't remember seeing that. Yeah. Yeah, well it's
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: because you've probably never been there. I have been there.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Well apparently it doesn't sound Yeah yeah.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: Did you Did you say any of the cab drivers
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: take me to the navel?
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, if you haven't flicked the navel, you've never been there. Okay,
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: you gotta get it. Take me where all the lint
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: is the lint Capital patron dot com, slash therapy, give
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: us money and skip the ads. We've got some great
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: questions this week, starting off with I think much better
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: than last week. Yeah, finally we're done with the bullship.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: We saved all the good ones. Accepting my son's autistic reality.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: My son is on the autism spectrum. COVID set him
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: back socially. He started high school and we tried to
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: let him do a technology class. It failed so much
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: so his teachers said they failed him. His class is
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: full of kids who've bullied him for the last two years.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: By full, I mean seven total kids with five dedicated
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  Speaker 1: bullies and one who joins in. No other school options
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: have been found, and when we do that school kicks
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: him out. How do I go about accepting that he
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: may never be able to move out of our home.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: This also means I may never be able to live
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: without my ex wife because the cost of living and
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: needing her assistance is necessary to take care of him.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Thanks Anonymous, oh Man, that's a tough one.
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: Seven kids total, five just sounds dedicated bullies and one
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  Speaker 3: joins in.
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  Speaker 1: So those are not good odds. So I'm getting the
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: So the impression I'm getting from those numbers and from
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: some of the context letter, I think son is in
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: special education because those are super small numbers, and it
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: sounds like they took a chance maybe trying him in
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: a general ed technology class, and that backfired terribly and
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: he ultimately failed. And so they're they're facing this kind
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: of ongoing reality now that this kid is in high
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: school that he is not showing his ability to kind
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: of get along on life's terms here and then getting
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: picked on, and Dad is starting to say, hey, this
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: might be something where for the rest of our lives,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: our son's gonna live with us. And I think that
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: opens up a lot of challenges, Like the out there
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: was saying like, Okay, another challenge here is I would
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: like to not have contact with my ex And usually
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: when the kid turns eighteen. You can be done now,
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: our financial entanglements are done, our co parenting legalities are done,
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: go away forever. But if you have a special needs
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: child that's gonna need continued care into adulthood, maybe not done.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: You're probably not. It's probably gonna have to be new,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: you know, legal arrangement and a lot of communication.
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: Sounds like they still live together too.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: You think the ex wife still lives with the.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: They not be able to live without my ex wife
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: because the cost of living and needing her assistance to
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: take care of them.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Oh wow, I don't know.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Oh geez, so yeah, I don't know.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know if that's like we live together
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: or like we can't live without that support.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Or that's how I took it the second way. But
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: now that you're saying it, yeah, maybe that actually means
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: the writers saying, we divorced and we're still running a
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: house cohabitating because the costs. And that is true, like
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: especially a lot of you know, people that have children
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: with autism, those kids are still getting a lot of
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: ABA therapy even into those teen years. They're getting a
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: lot of extra support, and those extra services are not free,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: you know, And like they burn up your insurance really fast.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: You end up with a lot of extra out of pocket.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: Unless you can get your child designated as needing disability,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: you know, through the government, then maybe you can start
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: getting access to some long term support. But it's hard
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: for a lot of parents. They don't want to do
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: that because they feel like they're giving up on the
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: kid if they take them through that process of getting
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: them labeled with disability, and usually I think you have
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: to wait until they're an adult.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: He'll do it legally anyway.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean.
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: You said they don't want to do that because they
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: feel like they're giving up on them parents.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: I notice they struggle with it.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because there's the sense of like, we've been working
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: so hard to get you up to this minimum level
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: so you can function, and there is like a way
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: to live in the world with some support but still
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: being an independent adult. Yeah.
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: I mean I just look at it as like that's
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: a resource that's available. Yeah, you know, and I do
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: get that. You know, some people may look at that
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: and feel like they're kind of giving up, but like
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: it's it's there, it's available. Let's just take every every
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: bit of help that you can because unfortunately. Yeah, you're right,
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: there's not a whole lot out there, and what is
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: out there isn't free. Yeah, so you do end up
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: paying for it one way or another. It is I
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: guess in a way. The bright side, it is nice
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: that you do have the support from the ex wife
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: it and in a way you're always going to be
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: linked together because you share a child together, so there's
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: really no way around that. Yeah, that's that's unfortunate.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: The letter also underlines I think one of the real
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: challenges with SPED with special education the bullying man. So, like,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: over the years, I've had patients who you know, are
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: now into their adulthood and grew up you know, maybe
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: on the spectrum or needing you know, special education, and
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: to a person, they tell me how difficult that was
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: and how the resource itself was very frustrating because a
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: lot of times they're they're put into what's called resource
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: room or general it's not general population, but it's like
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: it's a group, right, So you're not getting one on one,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: you know, support with the teacher. You're interacting with other
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: kids that qualify to be in that program. But there's
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: a wide range. Yeah, and so you've got kids that
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: are violent sometimes that that are you know, going to
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: be a risk. You've got kids that can be really
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: really cruel that have you know, again, the population may
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: often struggle with social skills and be very brash, you know,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: and like this bullying thing is not uncommon, and it's
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: one of the most frustrating things I see for people
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: that you know, have come through that program or even
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: parents with children in those programs, is like, how can
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: they possibly get some help for that? And you think like, well,
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: maybe you need to go find a special school. But
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: but again this bumps up against the restrictions of reality
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: because usually the only pro the only schools you're going
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: to find that are properly funded enough to have a
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: special education program that's actually worth a dam, are going
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: to be public schools because there are laws requiring that
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: there be some kind of budget and some kind of thing,
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: and there's some kind of oversight and this is actually
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: the number one area that public schools get sued is
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: screwing up somehow in special education. So there's a lot
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: of oversight, a lot of eyeballs on it. But just
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: because it's being provided by the public and just because
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: it will exist, it doesn't mean it's going to be individualized.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean it's it's really going to be sufficient.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: As you're seeing in the story, there's you're just throwing
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: everybody in the same room, and a lot of times
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: they're just bracing for impact and just rolling through the
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: day and doing the best they can. It's very hard
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: to just find like an adequate learning environment.
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: Also depends on the size of the community too. Yes, yeah,
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: it's a lot different rural areas where you've got already
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: have limited access to education, and sometimes yeah, you do
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: get everybody kind of gets put in the same.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: It's tough, man, it is really tough. And as a
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: parent when you're watching your kid, you know, get bullied
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: and they're coming home and they're telling you this sucks.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: It's hard for me, like other people are mean to me.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, obviously it breaks your heart anyway, because you
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: know your kid is struggling anyway, like you see it.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: You are aware of autism. You see their limitations in life.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: You're watching them grow. You're hoping every single day that
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: they make little steps, that they make some progress. And
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: then when you re send them to school, you're hoping
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: that's like the safe place, and then they're coming home
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: and they're saying, you know, we're failing this kid. You know,
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: we're not gonna And that's another problem too, is like
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: a lot of times with parents of special ed children,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: they'll say, I want to get them into gen pop,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: I want to get them out there. I feel like
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: they're surrounded by these bullies. They're surrounded by kids that
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: are regressing in a lot of ways, and I don't
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: think it's a good example for my kid. And I
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: feel like if my kid is around, you know, kind
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: of a more stable classroom with you know, kind of
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: the general population, their hope is like my child will
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: rise to that level and they'll kind of match it
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: or they'll emulate it. And then but there's stilling to
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: be some accommodation and some support, and so a lot
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: of parents insist on getting their child into general ed
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: and then, you know, like this writer said, a lot
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: of times it doesn't work out, and you know, now
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: the child's failing classes and that stinks because now that's
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: academic record, right, and like we're not trying to create
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: a paper trail that's hurting the kid. We want them
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: to grow, but we also don't want to set them
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: up to fail. And now that's hurting their confidence too,
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: because they're like, oh no, academically, it did really bad.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: And for a lot of families, especially if your child
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: has autism, it's science and tech and math are the
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: ones that they think, Okay, maybe my child can do
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: well in that because you know, just a lot of
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: times that population seems to have a lot of clarity
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: with that kind of subject. They do pretty well, they
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: take an interest in it, and so it's like, hey,
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: this will be a this could be the one thing.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: This could be like their foothold into like the general
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: population of people. They could find their niche, and it's
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: devastating when it doesn't happen. It's just it's a really
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: hard letter to read.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: So what do you so? The the author writes like
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: in a way like how can I bring myself to
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: terms with us? How can I go about accepting that
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: he may never be able to move out? Yeah, he's
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: always going to be maybe you know, I'm always going
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: to be taking care of him. I think that for
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: a lot of parents is really difficult to accept and
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: to kind of grapple with this idea that like, you know,
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: I think I mean, you have two kids. I'm sure
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: you and your wife have probably had that thought of
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: like when they are eighteen and they've moved out right, Oh,
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: the places we're.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: Going to go.
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: I want to see other parts of California.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: We're going to go to the other arts. Yeah, maybe
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: the one that's ten miles further.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: I've always wanted to see what that.
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: I want to see the rest of Henderson, Yeah, or
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: whatever your dream.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: We're going to go to a gay movie that is
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: not Disney.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah, But like, I mean, you kind of have those thoughts.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: I think as parents, it's just kind of like you
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: you you know, your your whole life is around your children,
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: and then at some point they kind of get to
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: the age where it's like, Okay, it gets to be
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: just us again, and we get to kind of be
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: ourselves and we get a little bit more independence. We
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: did our job, we did our duty. Now we can
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: kind of relax. And I think for a lot of
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: parents that have children that you know are are going
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: to need help and going to need assistance, there is
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: kind of that that struggle that you feel. It's almost
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: like a grieving process I would imagine where you kind
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: of start to grieve this life that you realize that
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: you're not going to have.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: Yes, No, you're absolutely right, man.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: And I think that it's it's right that we're labeling
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: that as a grieving process because I know for the parent,
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: there's nobody they can talk to about it when they
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: try to open up with other family about it or friends.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: I think everybody feels like the only right reaction is
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: to be positive, yeah, and be like, oh, I'm sure
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: he'll get better. He's you know, the other day he
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: was great, Like, I'm sure it's not as bad as
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: you think. Hang in there, champ And and I feel
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: like it's already a struggle to openly admit to another
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: human that your child, who you would die for and
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: you love to pieces, is also a source of great
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: pain in your life. And their reality that they face
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: and the unchangeables that they didn't ask for but but
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: are real are something that that are haunting for you,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: and they do change all of your realities, especially when
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: you're raising a special needs child, not being able to
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: go on vacations, not being able to go to dinner,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: not being able to go out on dates. A lot
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: of marriages, really, you know, struggle whenever you have a
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: special needs child in the household, a lot of other
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: siblings in the family get ignored or neglected because the
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: high needs child is always getting that attention. And so
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: for the parents, they do ten times the amount of
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: parenting and boots on the groundwork and emotional struggle that
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: any other family does. And they do that in the
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: first eighteen years. And then there is no guarantee that
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: once that kid's eighteen, you're just going to sign them
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: up for you know, disability, get them resources and get them,
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: you know, into something. Anytime resources can be found that
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: that create an opportunity like that. I am a big
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: proponent of that. So in Nevada or Las Vegas, we
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: have Opportunity Village, which we're all very aware of. In Phoenix, Arizona,
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: I think they have Kurt Warner's Treasure Community. Yeah, Kurt
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: and his wife opened up a program for that because
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: they had a special needs child, and it's very rare
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: to find places like that. That's a very rare thing
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: to see. And in both of these situations, they've created
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: a safe community for people with special needs in adulthood
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: to have an apartment and to have a job. You
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: know that the program gives them work and they earn
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: real money.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: And they do on location job training everything there as well.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, and everything is matched to the person.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: And then they have you know.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: A cafeteria. It's it's a little village, it's a little community,
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: and it's all safe. And then they have go outs
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: where they all are going to go see a movie
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: or go bowling or whatever, bring you know, activities there
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: and so those I think are a miracle for families
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: like that, so they can have some kind of respite.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: But you know what you said, Nick, I think is
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: absolutely the right kind of range we need to be
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: thinking about. Is that this is something that you're allowed
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: to grieve, it's something you're also allowed to struggle with.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: I think there's a lot of people that think maybe
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: the right thing to do is to let this person
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: go into the world and figure it out. But then
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: there's that fear of like is that even possible?
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think, you know, I think the first
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: step as a parent in a situation like this is
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: to be to give yourself some some leeway, you know,
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: to be kind to yourself and understand that like having
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: these thoughts doesn't make you a bad person, Because I
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: think a lot of people when they they have those
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: thoughts of like that grief of like never going to
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: be you know, I'm always going to have somebody I'm
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: taking care of. I'm never going to be you know,
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: done with this role. They're they kind of the next
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: thing is now I feel bad for having that thought,
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: right of like, oh, I shouldn't feel this way. No,
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: this doesn't make you a bad person. This is this
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: is anybody in this position would feel this way, and
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: it's okay to feel that way. Doesn't mean that you're
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: not a good parent. It doesn't mean that that there's.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Anything wrong with you.
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: That's a perfectly fine thought to have, and I think
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: you do owe it to yourself to be able to
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: grieve that. Yeah, and it is a change in life.
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: I think the next step then is to kind of
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: redefine what your life is going to look like moving forward.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: What does success look like moving forward? Because yeah, it
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: doesn't it's going to look different than what you maybe
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: have pictured in your mind, and you kind of have
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: to redefine that, but it's still going to be okay.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of times when people hear somebody
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: talking about this and emoting about it. There is a
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: tendency to be positive. There's also a tendency to try
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: to say, well, if you tried this will if you
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: tried this, I've looked this up.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: I've looked this up.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: And trust me, when you are raising a child that
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: is special needs, you've tried it all. You've talked to
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: the resource teacher, you've talked to the special ed people,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: you've gotten into therapy, you've gotten ABA, you've talked to psychiatry,
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: You've gotten every possible benefit you can get your hands on.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: And when a person's at the end of their rope
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: and they're looking around there like I don't know what
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: to do, there's not some simple answer. We either need
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: to see the aggress or it isn't there, and you know,
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: like and that can happen if your child, you know,
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: has any kind of developmental disorder, I mean all sorts
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: of things. And that is a reality, you know, for
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: so many people. And I guess it's one of those
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: things that I always want to be really careful not
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: to try to slip into a case manager mentality where
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: now I'm going to try to quarterback and give them
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: more suggestions, because I just don't want to disrespect the
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: emotion that they're holding. That there is a sense of
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: like futility, and sometimes ironically it is healthy to grapple
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: with that. It is healthy to wrestle with the checkmate
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: that you're in. And there is also I think it's
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: also important to reflect on this idea of suffering. You
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: and I have talked about that before. The the I
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: think it is the not the Socratics. Marcus Aurelius was
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: of this order. The Stoics. Yeah, the Stoics famously have
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: that theory where they explain suffering is inevitable, but you
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: do get to choose how and even if you feel
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: like you're not given a choice, you have one. You know,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: you can choose to watch your child suffer without your
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: aid and let fate have upon them whatever it will be,
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: and you will feel the pain that comes with a
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: parent watching the child you know go through this. Or
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: you can choose to suffer by sacrificing your own independence
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: and freedom and personal choices so that you can provide
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: extended care for your child. And they are both shitty choices,
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: like nobody's happy about that, but there is a sense
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: of personal autonomy and the sense that you get to
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: make that decision for you. You know your reasons for why,
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: and I think that factors into the grieving process. It
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: doesn't resolve it, it doesn't take it away, but there
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: is a sense of agency and choice that at least
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: we can stare at and say, I'm choosing this over
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: the alternative, and that's my choice.
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: Saying probably goes with then having to continue to, you know,
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: interact with the ex wife. Yeah, I mean, you know,
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: you kind of you're in a position where it's like, okay, well,
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: the best best case scenario is we learn how to
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: cope parent really well, you know, and that's going to
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: be a challenge. But you know, again, it's it's just
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: like it's frustrating because it's kind of like, you know,
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: a game of poker. It's like, well, this is the hand,
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: your dealt. How you choose to play it is up
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: to you. But it makes no sense to get frustrated
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: about the cards. They're not going to change.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: This is what they are.
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: We just kind of have to deal with it the
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: best we can. And sometimes you know that again, that
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: kind of comes back to redefining success. What does success
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: look like? You know, for your child's success, maybe you know,
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: living a happy, fulfilled life. What does that look like?
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: How can you help with that your communication with your
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: ex wife? Are are you able to work on communication
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: and be able to co parent together and be able
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: to identify goals and objectives for your child and be
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: able to put your own issues side to be able
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: to co parent, you know, And that's all just kind
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: of redefining what your life is going to look like
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: moving forward.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, you have to redefine what success even
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: looks like. I think that's a big part of it.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: And you know, again not to try to get into
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: this case manager quarterbacking thing, but when there are children
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: like this that you're looking at them thinking they will
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: never be able to have a job, they will never
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: be able to be independent, I want to just make
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: sure you're fully aware that that means that they qualify
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: for disability. And that's what an assessor with the government is,
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: and that's a federal program that's not state by state,
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: and so the Feds will look over this case and
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: if they agree, yeah, this this person is not going
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: to be likely to be able to do those things.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Now they're going to get money and insurance from the government,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: and that does help your situation, right, because if your
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: child is you know, now getting you know, federal assistants,
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: they're getting food, they're getting insurance, they're getting money, that
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: money can be routed into, you know, offsetting the cost
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: of you and your ex wife maybe getting your own
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: apartments and like you're both part timing it with your
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: son or something to that effect. But now there's enough
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: money to go around that he can kind of pay
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: his own way, so there could be some help with
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: that or maybe or.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Maybe a facility like Opportunity of Village or stuthing like that.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: Yes, and those absolutely they'll cash that government money as well,
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: and they get vouchers and all sorts of things be
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: able to do that. So these I mean again, I
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: don't want to disrespect your journey by trying to get
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: in and say have you thought of this, because that
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: is one of the most annoying things that people in
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: your position go through. But you know, writer, this is
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: going to be some of these long term struggles of
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: learning how to grieve, to mourn a life that is
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: not going to change, and also to write, size it
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: and take it one day at a time. I have
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: seen people get to the other side into their adulthood
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: and start making some real progress. And I've also seen
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: people that have made some, but they're never going to
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: live independently. I've seen it where an adult had his
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: own condo and then each of his parents took turns
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: staying with him for several days at a time, and
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: that would give the other one some respite, and then
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: a sibling, another adult sibling, would would stay one other
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: day and give the parents opportunities to kind of just
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: have their night together and catch up. And so it
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: is a hard thing, but there are ways to cope.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: There are ways to manage, and you're, you know, definitely
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: still going to have to wrestle with that unchangeable reality,
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: and grieving through it is one of the ways that
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: you ultimately cope. And that's how I think humans get
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: to acceptance. That is our seventh stage of change, right
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: or not seventh stage of grieving. When humans are going
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: through this, we expect them to go through all those
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: stages of grieving. There's that denial era where they think
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: this is, you know, it could get better, let's not
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: lose hope. They go through depression, they go through anger,
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: and eventually they get to a place of acceptance, and
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: these are not linear. You don't just fold from A
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: to B to C to D. You hop between these
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: zones and some days you have more acceptance than others.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: But eventually, if you're going through that grieving process, that
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: is the path that we therapeutically think of that eventually
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: leads to acceptance and that I guess peace may not
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: be happiness, may not be joy, but peace, and I
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: guess that's sometimes the best goal we can reach for.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Mm hmm, yeah, great question.
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: Writer.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: You know, very real stuff here and a lot You're
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: speaking for a lot of people, and I appreciate that
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: because this is a voice in a community. We don't
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: hear enough from a lot of people kind of keeps
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: us under their hat just because they feel like it's
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: very personal and they don't want to be seen as
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: somebody complaining. But there are a lot of folks in
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: America dealing with this, So you know, I'm glad to
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: hear your voice.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: We need voices like yours.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Well, we're gonna take a quick break and when we
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: come back, we are talking about dealing with ultimatums. You're
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: listening to Pop Therapy today is.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: Episode is brought to you by Judy Schneider, Leona Carolyn Albert,
• 26:49
  Speaker 3: Samy Scoop, Sarah Smith, Mike Hown, Darren Tony am Mex
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: and Lisa Tanjamin and Cody the DeLorean Guy. Would you
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: like to sponsor the show? Become a thera producer, a patriarch.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: I'll tell you who's not gonna win for you me.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: Oh shit, she's back in her Italian accents, thicker than ever.
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: Oh alright, we're gonna finish off these one star reviews. Yeah,
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: all right, let's go. This is supposed to be the
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: future of cleaning. Yeah right. It barely picks up anything
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: unless I know it runs it over the same spot
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: three or four times, and even then I still see
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: dust left behind. And don't get me started on the
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: fact that it gets stuck in literally everything, wires, carpets,
• 27:38
  Speaker 3: even my shoes. I thought I was going to be
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: able to sit back and let this thing take care
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: of everything, but nope, I end up chasing it around
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: my house more than it actually cleans. Yes, a woman,
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: He's right, we'll see you.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: So, okay, I think we know what this is.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: As the auto auto vacuum room room by room. So
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: we have a room, but it works wonderful. How do
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: your dogs deal with the roomba?
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: They don't give a shit about it.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: Dude, my dog lost her fucking shit.
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: Yea.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: So she sheds all over the place, and so we're like, oh, yeah,
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: we have that room, but we haven't used it in forever.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: It's in the garage. Let's get that shit going. So
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: we get the room but going. It's like, oh, this
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: is gonna be such a big deal, Like we have
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: hard floors, be perfecting to get it all. This dog
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: lost her fucking mind, I have. Like the barking was
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: like that crazy shrill barking where you realize they're gonna
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: have a heart attack. And so she just chased this
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: thing around the house. Losing her shit was like shaking.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: She was so upset about it. So we had to
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: turn it off because the dog's gonna die. Right, this
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: is not okay. Because we thought, oh, she'll stop it
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: after like a couple of minutes. No, we ran that
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: bitch for an hour and she just lost her fucking mind.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: So then we had all these other ideas like, well,
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: let's expose her to it, like let's pick her up
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: and pet her and take her over to it. No,
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: she was like crawling out.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: Oh my god. Yeah, I thought she's like snack fans
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: of it. But they don't really care about it. Yeah,
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: they'redly annoyed by it. They don't want they're not just
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: being around it. But like if you, if you, if
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: they are there, like they're not scurrying to get away,
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: they'll just walk to It're annoyed, They'll just walk away.
• 29:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they'll be like that thing's over there, I'm gonna
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: I'm here.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: That moves, that is not a human. My dog loses
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: her ship, Candles freak her out because of the flickering
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: flameshell bark at them.
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: It's really fucking annoying. Are you sure this dog isn't
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: genetically related to you?
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah? I know, right, Yeah, I know.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: She's got so much anxiety it's crazy.
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm also crying at the room nurture not nature.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: I don't.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: I don't have a room, but I actually haven't.
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: Does it work well for.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: Such a small device, Like, I mean, it's great at
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: picking up some dog hair, right, but I don't think
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: it's doing any heavy.
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: Because this past week I took Friday off, so I've
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: had Friday Saturday Sunday. I have shampooed the carpet in
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: every room.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Of the house. Oh there you go to get the doctor.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: I own one.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: Oh fans fancy?
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: Well, Uh, for many years I was not house broken. Yeah,
• 30:23
  Speaker 3: so it was it was well worth somebody that carpet smart.
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: But uh but yeah, so I've I've I've done that,
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: and it's like going going over it like three or
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: four times and just pick a dog here.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: Isn't it great to look at the water though and
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: see black it is?
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: And you're like, especially, here's the other thing that people
• 30:42
  Speaker 3: in Vegas don't understand. If you've got carpet on your
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: main floor, I will never like I rent, but I
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: would never put carpet on my main floor. Your hard
• 30:52
  Speaker 3: surfaces only because if you walk through a parking lot
• 30:57
  Speaker 3: and you walk into your house, kiss.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: Your carpet good goodbye. Yeah, it is toast nobody. That's
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: anybody that visits Vegas. They never fucking know what this is.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: And like you'll have people come visit your house and
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: you'll be like, oh, please take your shoes off at
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: the front if you have carpet. You know, like for
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: a long time we had carpet and it was always
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: things like, oh, please take your shoes, Like, oh really,
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: because like in all these other places, not it's not
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: weird to walk in with your shoes. But in Vegas, man,
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: you look at the bottom of your shoes.
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: They are black. And that's just asphalt because we don't
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: get any rain. Nothing washes away. Yeah, so it's just
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: oil dirt and it just sits there for twenty degree
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: sun bounding on it and then it gets ringing it out,
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: just disgusting.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: It's terrible.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: And once it gets into your ship, you're not getting
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: it out like you can. You can vacuum a rub
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: doctor that shit a thousand times. It's just black water.
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: You do not get it back.
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, no, okay, I've seen so many people use this,
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: I finally cave. Yeah, big mistake. First of all, it's
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: not easy to use, as everyone says. Yeah, have to
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: fumble around with it to get it to sit correctly,
• 32:05
  Speaker 3: just thinking of that answer. And even then it's hit
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: or miss whether it works the way it's supposed to right.
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: Half the time, it just ends up making more of
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: a mess than it's work, and the cleanup afterwards takes
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: way too long. I was expecting something revolutionary, but honestly,
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: it's no better than doing things the old fashioned way.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: God, so I can't think of it.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: This is a hint.
• 32:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a very popular personal care item, often touted
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: as a one time as a time saver, but not
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: for everyone times.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: Personal care item time saver. Huh, but they're talking about
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: it makes a mess.
• 32:47
  Speaker 3: You fumble around with it to get it to sit correctly,
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: and even then it's hit or miss supposed to.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: But oh that's it.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's actually fits.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: It always does. No multiple choice, right, just take the shot.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna go with huh. I don't know. Fuck, Like,
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: what's something you're caring fanny pack that seems popular right now?
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: Probably that all right? Give me fanny tack sit correctly.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: I don't know that.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: Maybe fanny pack or crocs.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm going back. I was gonna dishwasher
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: or something. But you said personal item.
• 33:31
  Speaker 3: Uh, popular personal care item taser, reading glasses.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's all right, take a shot on it. I'm
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: gonna go.
• 33:43
  Speaker 3: Toothbrush, all right, electric toothbrush?
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: Holy ship? Wow?
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: Wow it was and then got it right?
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: That look at that weird? All right? Great? Cool?
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: That is that. Are we done with that? Break?
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: Yep, all right, so you're in the lead.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: We'll let him go. Wow, really great, buddy. I was
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: given an ultimatum.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: My boyfriend twenty seven male, and I twenty four female.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: We're out to dinner with my parents, grandmother, and two brothers,
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: ages twelve and fourteen. My mother and I got into
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: an argument that resulted in her, on purpose, throwing her
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: drink down and going all over my boyfriend. This is
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: not the first time she's made a scene in public.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: He is done being embarrassed by her outbursts. I am two,
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: but I guess I've gotten used to it because I grew.
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: Up with it.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: Due to this, I've basically been given an ultimatum. I
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: can choose one of three things. One I can completely
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: cut contact with my family. Two I can still see
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: them but boyfriend is one hundred percent not involved in
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: it at all. Or three we break up. We've been
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: together for four years, and I know my mother is
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: an issue. She has been an issue with just about
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: every guy I've ever been with due to her behavior.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: I've always felt i'd have to cut her off, but
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to do that without being cut
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: off from my brothers or stepdad. He's not being an
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: asshole about the situation, but at the same time, he
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: can't take worrying about when or where her next freak
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: out will be. I've known since very early on that
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: I want to marry this man, but I just don't
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: know what to do. I loved my family, but at
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: the same time, I can't keep doing this with her.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: She always brushes these outbursts off like it didn't happen.
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: I know if I cut contact with her, I'll lose
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: my stepdad and my brothers until they're eighteen years old
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: and can do things on their own. What do you recommend, anonymous?
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: And you just got a backslap mom. Next time she
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: does that, just one across the field. I don't fast
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: as possible, Just like a dog, you rub their nose
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: in it.
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: So the interesting thing here is that writer understands, Yeah.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm crazy.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: He's not wrong.
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah right, yeah, I don't know what to do about this,
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: but he's definitely not wrong.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: Well, it's been four years this guy's been putting up
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: with this ship, and.
• 36:17
  Speaker 3: He finally says, I can't like she screw her drink
• 36:22
  Speaker 3: down at a restaurant. What and presumably like soaked him.
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: Dude?
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: What?
• 36:28
  Speaker 3: Oh no, I'd be gone too.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, I lose my ship when a kid accidentally
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: knocks over a glass like that, ruins the night, if
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: somebody spills water, if a grown ass woman got up
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: and angrily threw oh my god. Yeah, dude, holy shit.
• 36:43
  Speaker 3: I mean, I tell you, I'll tell you. The path
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: that I would take this is get ready to get
• 36:50
  Speaker 3: And this is why you write this is.
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: Why you wrote it. You didn't want to hear our
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: therapy bullshit.
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: The real path that I would take is a I
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: would I would say, I of those three options, if
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: you're if you're trurely just gonna pick one of those options.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: I would pick option B. Okay, that's I would say.
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: I will I will continue to communicate with my mother.
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: Uh.
• 37:09
  Speaker 3: And and you don't have to be involved.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: Okay, you just take you're not there.
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I would say if if I'm gonna be at
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: you know, with my mother at a at a function
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: or whatever, I will go by myself a boyfriend, boyfriend, fiance.
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: Do we figure out boyfriend boyfriend, boyfriend on deck to
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: be fiance?
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: Yes?
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: Writer wants that to so boyfriend is invited, boyfriend is welcome. Okay,
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: I think you can tell boyfriend about it and just say,
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: you know, I don't expect you to come. You know
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: what we've select I've selected this option. I don't expect
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: you to come. I want you know that we're doing
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: this and that you're invited. So I think you can
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: keep that. I think you can keep that line open.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: Uh.
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: And I would also communicate that exact thing to mom
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: and stepdad.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: That boyfriend is invited.
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: Boyfriend is invited and is choosing to not come because
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: of this, and I support that decision. Boyfriend. Uh, you
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: know he is having a really hard time dealing with
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: this behavior. Wow. And uh, he has opted with my support,
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: he is opted out of dealing with this behavior for now.
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: Well, step Dad, they fucking get it.
• 38:20
  Speaker 3: They get it, Stepdad, I would like to hang out.
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: With your boyfriend instead of this.
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: That's why I would include Stepdad in that conversation.
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, don't sit on it. That, don't downplay it. No,
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: we're not, we're not.
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: We're not pussy footing around this, right, We're letting everybody
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: know the kid, if the if the brothers are young,
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: or what. He didn't say old brothers or anything. Then
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: maybe not involved them because they don't They probably don't
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: need to be involved. If you feel like they do,
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: then that's up to you. You know, you know your
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: family better than we do obviously. Uh, but yeah, I would.
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: I would just say, like, look, I like that he's
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: he's not going to be around for these things because
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: he cannot deal with this now. I would also suggest,
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: when communicating with your boyfriend about this, to make it
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: clear between the two of you that you are not
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: making a lifelong decision on this. Leave yourself a path back.
• 39:07
  Speaker 3: Say this is just a right now policy for right now,
• 39:10
  Speaker 3: as long as we need it to be.
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: This is it. If mother changes her behavior or something
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: like that, and boyfriend wants to take another crack at it,
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: leave that door open. Okay. I'm not even saying that
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: you need to plan for that individuality. I would just say,
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: leave yourself that up.
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: She don't write this in ink and say there's no reason.
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: Ever, there's no reason to say that it is.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's going to become difference.
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: We're going to do this as long as it needs
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: to be. If as long as it needs to be
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: is the rest of our lives. Then that's what it is.
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: How do you feel about the possibility, because it sounds
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: like mom has a history of playing it down and
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: be like it wasn't that big of a deal.
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: You guys all whine about it. Blah blah blah blah blah.
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: Fine, so she minimizes it.
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: You want to play it down, play it down?
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: So what if now this hurts the other side where writer,
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: mom and stepdad are like, Oh wow, boyfriend doesn't want
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: to come here. He thinks he's too good for us.
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: We're upset about this. This is a fan We want
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: to be together as a family.
• 40:02
  Speaker 3: Well, I think that's where your support. I think that's
• 40:04
  Speaker 3: where writers support.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: Is very important. That's what I was going to say too.
• 40:08
  Speaker 3: I agree with everything you said and just want to
• 40:11
  Speaker 3: double down on None of this works. If writer does
• 40:16
  Speaker 3: not support boyfriend is.
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: Saying this is what boyfriend wants to do, and so
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: that's what he's going to do.
• 40:23
  Speaker 3: That's that doesn't help.
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: No, this is what boyfriend feels as though he needs
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: to do for his continued good mental health and for
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: the continued health of our relationship. And I support that
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: one hundred percent. Because you are not acting appropriately mom.
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: Yes, And I think furthermore on this, if you writer
• 40:46
  Speaker 3: feel like you can't be one percent behind boyfriend, then
• 40:51
  Speaker 3: maybe at that point we need to reevaluate this relationship.
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: Dad is a good point well, because like I know,
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: for a lot of people, and you know it's actually
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: a lot of women they've shared this before. That seeing
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: boyfriends with my family and feeling like this is all
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: a big package thing is very important to me. And
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: like that makes me feel in love with you. That
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: makes me feel close to you. I want you with
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: me at the holidays. I don't want to have to
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: pick like where we do Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: my birthday and have all the people I love there.
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: And it's tough because writer says, look, I grew up
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: with this person. And that's one of the things therapeutically
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: that I want to zoom in on. Whenever you have
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: been contained with crazy your whole life, you are so desensitive.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: I used to it mostind and that's whenever you start
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: to realize that shit's not normal. Is whenever you're hanging
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: out with friends or you see their family, or your
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: person acts out in front of others and you're just
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: like cleaning up the mess, like, oh, let me just
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: towel up this water and sorry about that. Can we
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: please get her another glass of wine? You know, like
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: you're just like cleaning up and then other people are horrified.
• 41:53
  Speaker 3: Wait a minute, Wait a minute, your dad doesn't punch
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: the waiter.
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: I'm yeah, that's normal. It's like when when s J
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: and I, when my wife and I first started dating.
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: This is this is a very easy, peasy thing. This
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: is not a dramatic example, but when we first started dating.
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: At Christmas time, her mother loves Christmas. My mother in
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: law loves Christmas. Self proclaimed queen of Christmas. So when
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: we go to Christmas, so Mary is the Queen of Christmas.
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: But contend that's fair?
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: All right?
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: Fine?
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah that credit words due? No, yeah, I mean Jesus
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: wear was wearing a dress. Yeah, he's the real Queen
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: of Christmas.
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: Yes, queen.
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: So at my mother in law's house at Christmas time,
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: no one has fewer than twenty presents. Boy, everyone has
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: a literal pile of presents in front of them. Goodness.
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: At my family Christmas, everyone has like two or three tops.
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and their individual socks that one of the pair
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: that is gift. One second gift is.
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: The with her, with her family and her growing up,
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: the norm was everyone has a ton of presents and
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: and some of them are big presence of our little
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: presents whatever.
• 43:08
  Speaker 3: But everybody has a ton of them.
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah that's what she grew up with. Yes, that's normal.
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: Like the first Christmas I spent with her family, I
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: was like, what is happening? This is.
• 43:19
  Speaker 3: Why is the pile of Christmas presents over there that
• 43:25
  Speaker 3: is then distributed amongst people and everyone has a small
• 43:27
  Speaker 3: pile of presents in front of them. And she was like, well, yeah,
• 43:31
  Speaker 3: this is what we do.
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I was like, this is not normal.
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: Did that create a problem where she had that expectation
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: and so then you get her two or three sensible gifts?
• 43:39
  Speaker 3: Oh, it created no problem at all.
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: There was no issue at all with But no, I'm
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: usually that as an example of just like here was
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: a thing that my wife thought, you're no, that was
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: just a normal thing, that was normal Christmas Day whatever
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: with the family, And like I was.
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: Like, this is not this is not normal at all,
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: but this really does happen. And I think for so
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: many families, even if your family's not mentally ill, but
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: just is over the top or like aggressive or weird,
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: and like they just comfortably make a scene.
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: Or makes eight pounds of shaved beats. That's not for
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: four people to have sandwiches.
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: That's not that I believe in abundan disturbing. It's like
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: my twenty Christmas upsetting every Sunday. Yeah, I who the
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: fuck knows the portions? They're not on the pack anyway,
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: all right, they don't say that. They don't say serves
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: two or serves three. It just says meat. Like I
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: don't fucking know anyway. But this is a big part
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: of this. And Writer, this is what I think puts
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: you in such a strange position because once you go
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: nose blind to this and it's something that you're used
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: to over time. If I agree, I like Jacob's strategy
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: a lot where I kind of predict there could be
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: some difficulty down the road. Is okay, So Writer tells parents, Look,
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: I support boyfriend not coming here. I think no less
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: of him. I'm in agreement with him. But then emotionally,
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: Writer is itchy and hurting because she misses boyfriend and
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: she's in this position. But intellectually she agrees with boyfriend.
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: But then over time she starts to think just like anybody.
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: Then this goes back to like codependents, anonymous and an
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: alan On. You start to think, oh, well, it's not
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: that big of a deal well, or like, well I
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: have to deal with it. Why can't you do it?
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: I just deal with it like it you know, like
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: I get that you it's uncomfortable, I get that she's annoying,
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: but like the other seven dinners were fine and you're
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: missing out on all those why don't you just learn
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: how to deal with the one? Or why don't you?
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: And like this is again something we talk a lot
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: about in alan On, is like you can easily slip
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: back into this position of thinking like, well, sure I
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: had to call into his job and lie and say
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: that he's sick whenever he's really hungover and all this stuff,
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: but like I mean, the other four days of the
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: week he went to work, so like, you know, let's
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: not overreact here. And it's like, dude, you are delusional,
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: like you are inside of the bubble of crazy and
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: it's normal for you, but it's not normal to others.
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: And then that can start sabotaging other relationships, just like
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: an alan On, because then your friends and your your
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: loved ones, your siblings are like, this is not okay
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: to not do this with him anymore, and you're like,
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: you're overreacting, you don't get it, and then there's a
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: division that's created. So I fear that that will happen.
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: Perhaps there can be some conversation with boyfriend as well
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: in this where your boyfriend because this is this is
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: clearly painful for the writer. This is clearly a painful
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: a painful thing for the writer. I eympathize with the
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: writer a great deal on this. So maybe this can
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: be something where you say, look, we're gonna take option
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: to boyfriend isn't going to be around mom. We're gonna
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: make that clear to mom. Hopefully mom will start to
• 46:34
  Speaker 2: augment her behavior a little bit. Yeah, and then also
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: just say look, I'm gonna talk to my mom to
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: your boyfriend. Yeah, I'm gonna talk to my mom. You know,
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: hopefully mom is gonna is gonna call him down a
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: little bit with these things. Hopefully this will get better.
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: I would just ask you, boyfriend, keep an open mind
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: moving forward. Perhaps we can re examine this going forward.
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: Will you agree some point to try to give this
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: another chance. I like that.
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: I like that a lot because I think if this
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: is just a forever agreement, this will look I.
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: Don't think it can be a forever agreement. Forever agreement
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: feels way, way harsh on this.
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: I don't like it. I don't like it.
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: I think whatever you're agreeing to, you're agreeing to right now.
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: It sucks to be in this situation. It really does.
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: It's a great relationship and like if your boyfriend, I mean,
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: let's let's put ourselves in that ship. Oh yeah, because
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: if I'm like, man, I've been with this girl for
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: four years. This great, this is my moment. I want
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: to be with her. But then it's like I don't
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: want to have this lady's fucking grandkids. Well, and like
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: now she's in my home or she's like fucking up
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: Christmas or birthdays.
• 47:35
  Speaker 3: Like no, that's a good point. Also, we talk about
• 47:37
  Speaker 3: the writer's perception of what she wants her big extended
• 47:42
  Speaker 3: family to look, like yeah, well he has that same thing.
• 47:46
  Speaker 3: He has his idea of what he wants his relationship
• 47:49
  Speaker 3: with his in laws to be, and that's now shattered too,
• 47:53
  Speaker 3: So it goes I mean both people are no one
• 47:56
  Speaker 3: is happy.
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's including mom. Yeah, and I think mom, writer
• 48:01
  Speaker 2: and boyfriend. Nobody, nobody is happy with this scenario.
• 48:04
  Speaker 3: I will point out too, in case anybody missing.
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: I feel of the restaurants happy because they get to
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: sell another glass of wine.
• 48:11
  Speaker 3: Okay, somebody's happy.
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: All right, we're moving on. Yeah, the one person's doing five.
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: Problem solved.
• 48:19
  Speaker 3: One more thing I will point out invest in waiters
• 48:22
  Speaker 3: that we did kind of talk about writer kind of
• 48:24
  Speaker 3: going nose blind to this. Now, I would just remind
• 48:28
  Speaker 3: the writer this has been an issue, as she said,
• 48:32
  Speaker 3: with every guy that she's been washed. Yes, sucks, so
• 48:36
  Speaker 3: it we she can at that degree, to that level,
• 48:40
  Speaker 3: understand that, like, Okay, it's not just my boyfriend's really sensitive. Yeah, yeah,
• 48:45
  Speaker 3: this is yeah, this is now how it sounds.
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: It sounds like writer understands where boyfriend's coming from.
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: Which makes me think that option three is in it
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: or not break up, but option one might be inevitable.
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: What was option one?
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: I'm going to have to cut off my mom, oh,
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: because I mean, if you've got every ex boyfriend, the
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: best predictor of future results is past results, and even
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: option two might be a band aid on the broken leg.
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: And I wonder like at some point, is this shit
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: gonna erupt again? And maybe you're gonna have to I mean,
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: maybe you guys do get married, maybe like you do
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: sort having kids, and maybe then he comes in and goes.
• 49:19
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna have to divorce you. Yeah, because I cannot
• 49:22
  Speaker 3: allow our children to be around this woman. I need
• 49:24
  Speaker 3: you to be on my team.
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: And I wonder if writers gonna have to just wrestle
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: with that option now. Maybe, and maybe because it's inevitable
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: down the road.
• 49:31
  Speaker 3: I do like the idea of not having to make
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: any big decisions right now though, too. Yeah, and then
• 49:37
  Speaker 3: just like yeah, we're gonna cut someone off forever, there's
• 49:40
  Speaker 3: always an option. Yeah, We're just going to continue to reassess.
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: We have a.
• 49:44
  Speaker 3: Plan, we're going to move forward, We're going to reassess,
• 49:47
  Speaker 3: and then we're going to come up with another plan.
• 49:49
  Speaker 3: We may stick with it or come up with something new.
• 49:51
  Speaker 3: And also, as we know, to reassess.
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: And as we know from other letters that that we've
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: heard over the years here, it's easier to cut someone
• 49:58
  Speaker 2: off than it is to repair that relationship down the road.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: Right, Yes, And in this situation, I mean, look, you
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: and you know I've been on this this before where
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: people say what about cutting off parents stuff like that,
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: and I've always been like, oh boy, you know, I
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: want to be really careful with that. It's a big solution,
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: It's a big one. I remember Whitney's mom was here
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: and we kind of asked her about that and she
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: was weighing in she's not here now, yeah, because we
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: cut her off, because we cut her off enough with Karen,
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: you know, no, no fucking more, don't you don't come
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: here and try to do our job. Uh uh huh,
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: not gonna happen. No water everywhere.
• 50:27
  Speaker 2: I was gonna have it.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: But no, I mean, like I don't like that solution.
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: But in a situation like this where you keep getting
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: the same result and now you don't get to be happy,
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: you don't get to be partnered, you don't get to
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: have a future with with somebody, like what the fuck?
• 50:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: And like apparently you're picking healthy men because they observe
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: this and go no, like I'm not going to live
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: in this kind of hell hole. And like I don't
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: want you to find some guy that's cool with it,
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: because then that might not be very good. He might
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: have a bunch of fucking red flags.
• 50:58
  Speaker 2: He's cool with it.
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: He puts up with the ship.
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: And I think that can all be part of the
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: conversation with mom. Yes, if you have a conversation with
• 51:06
  Speaker 2: Mom and step dad hard one, it's gonna be it's
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: gonna be unpleasant. Yeah, it's not gonna be you know,
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: nobody's gonna leave there feeling great.
• 51:13
  Speaker 3: Don't have that conversation at a restaurant, do not, Or
• 51:17
  Speaker 3: when mom is holding something with liquid in it. Yes,
• 51:20
  Speaker 3: the gag is just Mom always is like trying to
• 51:23
  Speaker 3: fill up a drink incause.
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: She needs to throw people.
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: Maybe hand her something soft and not breakable before having
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: this conversation, or.
• 51:30
  Speaker 3: With a sippy cup, just ask for the kid's cup
• 51:33
  Speaker 3: like that way, it's just not gonna make as much
• 51:35
  Speaker 3: of a mess.
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: Perhaps hand her a stress ball and then say, Mom,
• 51:38
  Speaker 2: we need to talk about this.
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Or slip something in the drink, you know, like
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: dissolvable benadra right, Well, you know we could fire edible
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I get her little stone out.
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah you could, and you know you know better than us.
• 51:54
  Speaker 2: If this would benefit or not. You could possibly enlist
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: the help of step dad to have any kind of
• 52:01
  Speaker 2: conversation with mom. Uh, you'll almost treat it like an
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: intervention in some ways. Yeah, because I mean it's it's
• 52:08
  Speaker 2: causing demonstrable problems in your life.
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, how would you.
• 52:13
  Speaker 3: I guess the other thing too, that I was kind
• 52:15
  Speaker 3: of thinking, like, if you were going to have that
• 52:17
  Speaker 3: conversation with mom, tie it back to a specific example.
• 52:22
  Speaker 3: We went out to eat. You threw a drink at him.
• 52:26
  Speaker 3: Therefore he is not comfortable coming over anymore.
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: He should reacting him. You're such a drama queen.
• 52:34
  Speaker 2: Well, two dinners ago you yelled at him and told
• 52:38
  Speaker 2: him that his feet smelled like oysters and he was
• 52:41
  Speaker 2: wearing shoes authentic.
• 52:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm the only one who cares enough.
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: No, But I like your point, Nick, because that's intervention
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: one on one. Yeah, we don't talk in broad things.
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: We talk in specifics. And I like option too. But
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: I also like that writer should also mention to pair
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: parents he is not going to be coming as much.
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: I super support that. I understand the why. Also, consequently,
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: I will be choosing to be with my boyfriend and
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: that means you're gonna get me less often, And they go, wow,
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: you're choosing him over us. It's part yes, and I
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: wish I didn't have to make that choice, but you
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: are forcing a reality where that is my option. Yeah,
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: and so I'm gonna have to nurture my relationship and
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: still try to be part of this family. And I
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: could parlay all that. I would love to see that
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: turn into a conversation of can we do some family
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: therapy over this?
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: Sure, and boyfriend doesn't have to come to this shit.
• 53:36
  Speaker 3: Everybody drink, but.
• 53:37
  Speaker 2: We can always we suggest the therapy.
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: We're always going to get back to that. But I
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: like this as a family therapy opportunity which people can say, oh,
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: we're all adults, though yes, I've had lots of adults
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: sit down and say, we need to work through the
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: patterns that we have, and we need to hear each other,
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: and we need to take this seriously, and yes, Mom
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: needs to be heard to, because I'd love for mom
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: to use her words and in therapy practice being heard
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: and sharing her point of view without exploding and looking
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: forward to going to therapy and yelling about something that
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: went wrong or right.
• 54:11
  Speaker 2: There is obviously an issue that caused her to throw
• 54:14
  Speaker 2: a drink something at the very least, you know, something
• 54:17
  Speaker 2: something to her was was uh you know, extreme enough
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: that she had to throw a beverage. Let's talk about
• 54:23
  Speaker 2: that option to know what's what's what's going on? You know,
• 54:27
  Speaker 2: what what was your issue with at that moment, and
• 54:30
  Speaker 2: how could we have resolved that without.
• 54:32
  Speaker 3: Growing a drink?
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: Tell us all about it, you know, like that's great,
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: bring that back over here, you know, and let's get
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: tips from our therapist, and let's try to use them
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: as a family and suggestions of here when mom seems elevated,
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: here's what I want mom to do, and here's what
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: I want stepdad to do, and here's how I want
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: you guys to ask her questions. Whatever, let's learn how
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: to diffuse the bomb. But if you keep doing what
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: you've been doing, you're going to keep getting the same results. Yeah,
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: so I think that that's probably the move. And then,
• 54:56
  Speaker 1: you know, what do you think about hiring a fake
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: boyfriend to show up to family events? Maybe it's like
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: a whipping boy Well yeah, why not? Sure? You know
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: not again, just sex worker. I think it's you know,
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: probably we're on that team. Fox mom, Fox Mom calms
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: her down. I think that's an option that costs extra
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: and I don't know if that's financially viable down. But no,
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: he's a whipping boy boyfriend. So he just shows up
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: and he just goes through the ass kicking. In the
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: family scenario, you're protecting the mental health of real boyfriend
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: and then just lie to parents and tell them that
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: you know this is the same guy and you just
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: gaslight them.
• 55:31
  Speaker 3: He'd be like no, they're like, oh, that's a different person.
• 55:33
  Speaker 2: No it's not. It's not.
• 55:35
  Speaker 3: That's Mark year old and you need glasses. Yeah, this
• 55:38
  Speaker 3: is still Mark, same guy.
• 55:40
  Speaker 2: You know what, everything else out the window. That's planning
• 55:43
  Speaker 2: option four.
• 55:44
  Speaker 3: We found the I knew we'd have another option here.
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: You're a welcome writer. We solve all the problems. Well,
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: good luck with this. I can't wait to find out more.
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I hope this doesn't end your relationship. You can't.
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: You deserve to be happy. And if you have a
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: family member who is sabotaging your entire life or this
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: very important part of your life, Like imagine it was
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: a job and you kept losing jobs because your your
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: parent got upset and like would cause a scene or
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: call the job or threaten your boss do something insane.
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: Like at some point you've got to start taking some
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: kind of control in your life. So you've got to
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: set up a boundary. I like boundaries more than ultimatums.
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: I think that's what the second option is. And you know,
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: remember Jigglow's Craigslist. I think it is a solid you know,
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: go to start there, start there in.
• 56:26
  Speaker 3: That, and I wouldn't say anything forever.
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Jigglows forever is way too expect Yeah, that's pricing.
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: That's subscriptions though, right, maybe you get you get a
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: diskind of buying bulk group on if. Yeah, we're all
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: like using the same dude.
• 56:40
  Speaker 3: Wasn't that a McConaughey movie or something that some chick
• 56:42
  Speaker 3: was going to a wedding and so she hires like
• 56:44
  Speaker 3: Matthew McConaughey.
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: The I mean, I'm just gonna say yes, yeah, it's
• 56:47
  Speaker 2: it sounds like it's passes right, end up falling in
• 56:52
  Speaker 2: love spoiler alert.
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: We're gonna take a quick break and.
• 56:55
  Speaker 2: An Adam Sandler slash Kevin James bit. Oh there it is. Yeah, yeah,
• 56:59
  Speaker 2: I I need somebody. They did that.
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: That was that was Larry. That was the one where
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: they're firefighters and they get married.
• 57:06
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah for the union benefits same thing. Yeah, anyway,
• 57:10
  Speaker 2: pretend to be a gay firefighter.
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: We're gonna take quick break, and when we come back,
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: we're to talk about getting into your feminine energy. You're
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: listening to pod therapy.
• 57:18
  Speaker 3: Today's episode is brought to you by Judy Schneider, Leon Kassov,
• 57:21
  Speaker 3: Carolyn Albert, Sammy Scoop, Sarah Smith, Mike Holm, Darren Cunningham,
• 57:26
  Speaker 3: Matt and Lisa Tanjamin, and Cody the Dolorian Guy.
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: Would you like to sponsor the show?
• 57:31
  Speaker 3: Become a therapety scrip Patreon dot com, slash therapy. All right,
• 57:36
  Speaker 3: we're getting into the placebo effect. Gone wild true after dark, Okay.
• 57:43
  Speaker 3: Studies have shown that the effectiveness of placebo pill of
• 57:46
  Speaker 3: a placebo pill can be influenced by its color, which
• 57:50
  Speaker 3: color is typically perceived as having a calming effect. It
• 57:55
  Speaker 3: is multiple choice, did we get too if we shoot
• 57:57
  Speaker 3: from Hipple can already see answer. Don't think you want
• 58:01
  Speaker 3: multiple choice?
• 58:02
  Speaker 2: I think we just want to go. I'm going what
• 58:04
  Speaker 2: do you what do you think? I want blue?
• 58:05
  Speaker 3: Oh? I want yellow. I was gonna say yellow too.
• 58:09
  Speaker 3: Yellow is calmbing for you guys. Yeah, you're fucking psychopaths.
• 58:13
  Speaker 3: I don't know it's clearly.
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna go.
• 58:15
  Speaker 3: I mean, that's just that's just boner pill.
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna go.
• 58:17
  Speaker 2: Yellow ship Viaga is blue.
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna go yellow too.
• 58:21
  Speaker 2: Yellow is in a.
• 58:21
  Speaker 4: Blue It is blue, alright, dummies. Yellow is not calmbing man,
• 58:26
  Speaker 4: No way. Yellow was like an emergency color. You feel
• 58:31
  Speaker 4: stressed if you're taking a yellow pill? I would would
• 58:34
  Speaker 4: you feel stressed if you take a blue pill? Would
• 58:35
  Speaker 4: you feel stressed if you took.
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 58:40
  Speaker 3: Honestly, I get pretty stressed out like an.
• 58:42
  Speaker 2: Ivy broven So.
• 58:45
  Speaker 3: And experiments, Participants who believe they were drinking alcohol but
• 58:49
  Speaker 3: weren't began experience exhibiting signs of intoxication. What does this
• 58:54
  Speaker 3: demonstrate about human psychology? A lack of drinking on a
• 58:59
  Speaker 3: regular base. To feel cool, I need to drink more
• 59:02
  Speaker 3: so they were they okay, this is multiple choice. It
• 59:06
  Speaker 3: is let's hear. Oh yeah, sure, cognitive dissonance, the placebo effect,
• 59:11
  Speaker 3: social facilitation, confirmation bias.
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: This whole things about placebo effects.
• 59:16
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna go be.
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: We are good tests.
• 59:27
  Speaker 2: Let us go.
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: This section is on skittles. Which of these candies is skills?
• 59:34
  Speaker 3: A skittles be not see some.
• 59:41
  Speaker 2: Shaved meat all right.
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: Sold.
• 59:44
  Speaker 3: When dogs were given sugar pills by hopeful owners, they
• 59:48
  Speaker 3: showed improvements and conditions like arthritis. What likely caused Fido's
• 59:54
  Speaker 3: feel good frolics?
• 59:56
  Speaker 2: Can we say placebo effect? Please read the answers.
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 3: God, I hope it's in there again.
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: No, it's not. That would have been great. Okay, give
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: us the answers.
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 3: A dogs are gullible. B owners of positive vibes influencing
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 3: the dogs, magic treats or doggy yoga sessions.
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: I guess it's B.
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 2: Probably probably a lot like placebo effect, doggy placebo effect? Correct?
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 3: Whoa, guys, we're so good at this, nailed in weird.
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: I think is the best we've ever done.
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's no missus put that together. She's doing great.
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: I can't be in my feminine energy in my marriage
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: because my husband is weak. What should I do? My
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: husband and I have been together for six years. Overall
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: we have a good relationship, but it's lacking sexually and physically.
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: It's because my my husband has never been the type
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: to stand up for me when it comes to his
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: family or just in general. We went on a trip
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: and two men had come up to me asking me
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: to take a picture with them, and my husband stood
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: by and said nothing. My sister in laws have been
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: rude to me and make jokes at my expense, and
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: my husband just stands by. We even had a situation
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: today where I realized that my husband and I had
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: been sitting at this table for fifteen minutes at a
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: restaurant in Venice, and nobody had come up to us
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: to take our order or even give us water, but
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 1: the table next to us, who had just sat down,
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 1: already had water and bread and their appetizers in. So
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: I called over a waiter and asked who our server was,
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 1: and he was just so annoyed. So I asked him
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: what the Wi Fi password was, and he whispered twenty twenty,
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: and I didn't hear him, so he said it again,
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: but with an attitude. So I told him we'd been
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: sitting down for fifteen minutes and the table next to
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: us just sat down there, they've already got everything. And
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: the waiter started going back and forth with me, being
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: rude and giving an attitude, and my husband said nothing again.
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 1: I ended up just walking out of the restaurant and
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 1: my husband ran after me. My husband apologized once again.
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 1: But I told him every time he has a chance
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: to stand up for me, he never does. He always
• 1:02:21
  Speaker 1: just sits there and says or does nothing. The other
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 1: day we got into it and I just wanted to
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: be alone by myself, and he was like, I'm not
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 1: leaving you alone in a random country. And tonight I
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 1: reminded him of that and said, even if a man
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 1: does come after me, you wouldn't even do anything. I
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: can't be in my feminine energy when my husband doesn't
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: defend his wife when another man is being rude to her.
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 1: So I don't know what to do, don't I don't
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: want to divorce him because we do have an okay relationship.
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 1: I'm just sick of having to wear the pants and
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 1: because of this, our sex life said first, thanks Anonymous.
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 3: I'm want to propose something that we've never proposed before.
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 3: I wonder if this writer and the last writer can
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 3: switch spouse.
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, we could just do a Freaky Friday.
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 3: And this guy can get water tossed on himies. But
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 3: he's this bullshit. Oh this is a great celebrity spouse swap.
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: I love it. Problem track record, buddy, Damn, that was quick.
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 1: So we just got to get that contact info.
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 2: Hopefully they're at the same town or something.
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 1: These are also all submitted anonymously, so that's neighbors. Yeah,
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: let's assume they are. Yeah, Like, these guys are in
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 1: Venice right now, so maybe they're stumbling upon each other.
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 2: That's probably possible.
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 1: This is a This is a really interesting one because
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 1: I'm a big believer in like letting people be who
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: they really are. And like, I'm sure you weren't dating
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: this guy and he used to be a fucking lion,
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 1: you know, is flipping.
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 3: Tables over excuse me, there's no cutlery, remember.
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: Like this is what you bought, right, And so sometimes
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 1: I kind of am like, I don't love it. Whenever
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: we get in a relationship with somebody, they are a
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: certain way, and eventually we get kind of sick of that,
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: and now we're like telling them you need to be
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 1: a different human, Like, I don't know, maybe I'm talking
• 1:04:21
  Speaker 1: to my ass.
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 2: I think we also all get a little less confrontational
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 2: as we get older.
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 1: That's definitely true.
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 2: I mean I'm certainly less confrontational than I was ten
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 2: years ago about things. You threw a much less, I mean,
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 2: arguably too less to get away with a lot more. Yeah,
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 2: it's just true. You know what, No, no, no, no, no, no,
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 2: almost caught one almost.
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 3: Here's the other thing though, too, is I don't like
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 3: this really rubs me the wrong way. This expectation that
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 3: that like guys have to get into fights.
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it makes me to it just but like, okay,
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: I will give her some of this. But okay, So
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: if you're if you're with a partner and that partner
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: keeps getting into ship and then you don't follow them
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: into that ship and they're like, won't you in.
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 3: My fucking back, and it's like because you're kind of
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 3: a bitch, and like you're starting the problem. Like watch
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 3: this be the the mom This is the mom from
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 3: question two.
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: Bill Burr.
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 3: Bill Burr is like even hockey has two minutes for instigating.
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 3: It's like, you're starting this. I don't want to.
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 2: I don't like.
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 3: Here's the thing, like if if if I'm out with
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 3: with Laura and somebody just acts like an asshole and
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 3: does something completely obnoxious and she is the victim of that, Okay,
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 3: I do feel a sense of responsibility to like jump
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 3: in and deal with that situation. Yeah, it has never happened, right,
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 3: all right, right right, thankfully it has never happened. But
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 3: also like if she's acting a fool and then has
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 3: this expectation that I need to get into a fight,
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 3: but I don't need to get into I'm just minding
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 3: my own business. I'm like, no, I'm not sorry, We're
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 3: in venice. I'm happy just sitting here, like I like the.
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 1: But there's this, there's also this europe set. I'm fined, this.
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 3: Thing that bothers me of just like this idea or
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 3: this expectation that I can act however I want because
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 3: there's not going to be any consequence to me, right,
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 3: my partner will suffer the consequence for whatever actions I choose.
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 3: But let me ask you this that makes me feel.
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 2: Because this, this is what this question kind of feels
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 2: like to me. So let me let me phrase it
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 2: a different way. If someone is treating your partner in
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 2: a somewhat derogatory sexist manner, yeah, then do you feel
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 2: that you have more of a responsibility perhaps to intervene
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 2: as the you know, if it's a male treating her
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 2: treating your your female partner in a sexist manner, do
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 2: you feel like, as another male you have more of
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 2: a responsibility to kind of step in and insert yourself
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 2: in that altercation because she's already being thought of as
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 2: lesser than by the other party.
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, I do.
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 2: This feels like a little bit like with the pictures
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 2: that yeah, the picture, So I'm assuming kind of a
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 2: little bit of sexism with the with the picture example
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 2: that she gives.
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I do, in that sense feel an obligation. I
• 1:07:25
  Speaker 3: may be writing my own letter here. I'm not sure.
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 1: I don't know how do we respond to that, Like
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: if some dudes like, oh, can I take a picture
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: with you? I just want her to say no, yes,
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 1: And then if he escalates it, now I'll get between them,
• 1:07:35
  Speaker 1: and now we have we have beef. She's perfectly capable
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 1: of being like no, and that's it, and like homie
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 1: walks on, and I just feel between them and.
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 2: The picture yea a picture?
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, as long as I'm in it too.
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know.
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 3: I feel the need to resolve the scenario, but I
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 3: don't necessarily feel the need at that point to like
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 3: be aggressive, right, Like I can just be like, right,
• 1:08:00
  Speaker 3: let's go, so let's move, let's let's go someplace else. Yeah,
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 3: but I do agree, Like I don't want to be
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 3: the first person to say that. Yeah, I would love
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 3: if if my partner says it first, I think, and
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 3: then I come in and support.
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's that to me is which I think is feminist,
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 1: Like you know, yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna be
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: that guy that's like, who.
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 3: Do a punk?
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 1: You look at him a girl who are probably come on, dude,
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 1: don't be a douche like you know, let her just decline.
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 1: The other guy clearly didn't read our dynamic you know
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 1: or whatever, or thought she was hot and he was
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: going to shoot his shot right in front of me.
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 1: But like my security with that and me not flipping
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 1: out about that doesn't demonstrate that I'm not masculine, and
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 1: like I take issue with that, Like I remember early
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 1: in my marriage somebody.
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 3: I agree, that is not what demonstrates Jim is not massive. Yeah,
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 3: other things, there's there's a list, but this is not
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 3: one of them. Let's bring your son in and ask
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 3: he's gonna teach me how to use the grill or
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 3: that is a lot of me. It's funny because he
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 3: was watching me do it, and I feel like, here's
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 3: it's disappointed, and I was like, oh, are you watching?
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 3: It was pretty funny because like I'm going and he's like, god,
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 3: that is a lot of meat, Dad, And I was like, well,
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 3: We're gonna have some leftovers.
• 1:09:10
  Speaker 1: He's like all right. I remember like in like year
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 1: one of my marriage, one morning my wife like woke
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 1: up early and I was still sleep and she went
• 1:09:19
  Speaker 1: was like a weekend and she was like dunkin Donuts
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 1: and she came back and she was being really sheepish,
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 1: and she was like, hey, you know. I was like, well, okay,
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: you seem a little off. She's like, yeah, you know,
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: I don't know. The guy the thing gave me these
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 1: for free, gave me coffees and said my money's no
• 1:09:32
  Speaker 1: good here because I'm too pretty. And I just laughed.
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 1: I didn't know what to say, and I just laughed,
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 1: and I'm feeling really good.
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 3: Thanks for the donuts.
• 1:09:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we were sucking.
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 1: So she was nervous, you know, and she's like, I
• 1:09:41
  Speaker 1: you know, she didn't know how I was going to
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 1: handle it. And I was like okay, and I was like, well,
• 1:09:46
  Speaker 1: could you go back in?
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 2: And that's exactly I said. I said, Well, they also
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 2: have to step on those.
• 1:09:52
  Speaker 3: Egg and bacon sandwiches, Like do you want to just
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 3: like maybe put on some lipstick, like go back, Like
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 3: you can give him a number. It doesn't be your number,
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 3: but like maybe I like one of those you can
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 3: take a finger or too, like give.
• 1:10:03
  Speaker 2: Me a sandwich.
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 1: Episode title, Yes that's going on.
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 3: But yeah, like and I'm not insecure, like I don't care,
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 3: like if I lose you to the guy at the
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 3: donut fucking shock because he gave you a three dozen
• 1:10:19
  Speaker 3: you know what we were not.
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 2: Like anyway, I fought a fair fight me. You know,
• 1:10:24
  Speaker 2: I didn't realize I was out I was out matched.
• 1:10:27
  Speaker 3: So like I supposed to compete with the duncan lot,
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 3: I don't know. Yeah, yeah, so like I.
• 1:10:32
  Speaker 2: I got one of those pod coffee baker bakers, but
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 2: is not going to do it.
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 1: So like there's a part of me that feels like
• 1:10:38
  Speaker 1: I want to defend the husband, but I do want
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 1: to relate to the writer a little bit because I
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 1: do think that there's room for the writer to say
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 1: something to the effect of my emotions are not important
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 1: to you. I feel ignored, I don't feel supported. That's fine,
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 1: And I'm also going to take the writer out her
• 1:10:55
  Speaker 1: word where she says, look, I don't feel safe sometimes, man,
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 1: because you never seem to take an opinion or stand
• 1:11:02
  Speaker 1: by me in any situation. Sometimes I get nervous that
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 1: like I'm walking by myself when I'm walking with you.
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 1: That's a stream. But I can see the writer's point.
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 2: Because if we want people to change their behavior, we
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 2: all we have to tell them what behavior needs changing,
• 1:11:19
  Speaker 2: which which you're already doing, but you have to come
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 2: up with some kind of plans as to how to
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 2: change that behavior. So perhaps you have you have a
• 1:11:29
  Speaker 2: non heightened emotional conversation about it, so at a time
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 2: when you're both calm and mellow, say now, now might
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 2: be a great time to really discuss this sit down,
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 2: explain to your husband exactly what it is about this
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 2: that bothers you, and then perhaps come up with something
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 2: that you can do when you're in public to just say, hey,
• 1:11:51
  Speaker 2: I'm looking for your for your support in this scenario
• 1:11:54
  Speaker 2: that I'm in right now, you know, and if it's
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 2: just saying like you turn to him and say, hey,
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 2: help me out with this, you know, whatever the signal is,
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 2: and and perhaps work from there. I don't what do
• 1:12:05
  Speaker 2: you guys, think of sometuff like that.
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 1: I like the communication.
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 2: I think that's a good idea.
• 1:12:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:12:10
  Speaker 3: Here's the only other thing, though, is I would say, writer,
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 3: you can have this conversation, express this need that you have,
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 3: but then also be open to feedback what's his perspective
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 3: on this? And say how do you see this? And
• 1:12:27
  Speaker 3: be genuine when you ask yes.
• 1:12:30
  Speaker 2: You know, because it's important to not have this conversation
• 1:12:32
  Speaker 2: when you're already upset.
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 1: Don't do it when you're having the fight.
• 1:12:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is important thought of this conversation is everybody
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 2: is calm and happy before you go into this conversation.
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Because here's the thing, Like, we only see situations
• 1:12:45
  Speaker 3: from our own perspective, right, You have no idea what
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 3: his perspective looks like in this situation, and he may
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 3: not have any idea what your perspective looks like. So
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 3: if you're going to resolve this, you both have to
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 3: be able to express your own perspective while all so
• 1:13:00
  Speaker 3: being willing to see there the other person's and try
• 1:13:03
  Speaker 3: to find some middle ground.
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 1: And I like your point about being curious because this
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 1: opens up the door for him to explain, and he
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 1: may sit down and say look, I am paralyzed with fear,
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 1: and there's some things about my life that have put
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 1: me in that position. And the way you need to
• 1:13:18
  Speaker 1: see me is as not a resource. If you're creating
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 1: an escalated environment, I may become absolutely paralyzed, and you
• 1:13:26
  Speaker 1: may not realize you're doing that to me by participating.
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 1: It's not in our best interest or my mental health
• 1:13:31
  Speaker 1: best interest for you to have any fights anywhere else,
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 1: so that might come out, and that would be I
• 1:13:35
  Speaker 1: think a very important piece of information instead of just
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 1: saying to somebody, why can't you be a man?
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 1: I hate that fucking phrase, by the way, just be
• 1:13:42
  Speaker 1: a man? Why don't you just be a man? And
• 1:13:44
  Speaker 1: then they tell you a real man would do X,
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 1: Y or Z. I hate that shit so much.
• 1:13:50
  Speaker 3: Like I don't know why Jim looked at that picture
• 1:13:52
  Speaker 3: of his mom that he keeps the studio when he said.
• 1:13:54
  Speaker 2: That I'm a man. I pay taxes.
• 1:13:57
  Speaker 1: That's what men do.
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 3: Mah, Real men know where their water shut out.
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 1: Damn right, Thanks, I find thanks for figuring that out
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 1: for Bob No. But I love your point like being curious,
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 1: because there's so many different answers that he might have
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 1: in him, and it may be. Look, I disagree with
• 1:14:16
  Speaker 1: what you choose to get riled up about, and I
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 1: feel like if I contribute to that, I'm condoning it.
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 1: And that sucks too. You're a hot head. Have you
• 1:14:24
  Speaker 1: ever thought of that?
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 3: And that's exactly what I was thinking too, with the
• 1:14:28
  Speaker 3: the situation of having waited fifteen minutes at a table
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 3: and not the server not showing up.
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you're in a foreign country, right, somebody else
• 1:14:36
  Speaker 1: maybe is a local and they just got seated and
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 1: taken care of.
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 3: I mean that's the other thing too, is like you
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 3: have to understand, like you because I'm getting ready to
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 3: go to Paris and like.
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, they're going to be dicks to you.
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 3: Well no, but like that's the thing is people think
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 3: that pretty are are just rude and they're assholes, but
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 3: that's not actually the case. It's just that their standard
• 1:14:58
  Speaker 3: of service is different in the sense that they leave
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 3: you alone. No, they leave you alone until you want something.
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 3: Oh really, Yeah, you have to say, hey, I'm ready
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 3: to order, and then they come over to you. But
• 1:15:10
  Speaker 3: it's not like in America where they come over and like,
• 1:15:14
  Speaker 3: how is everything just checking on you? Do you guys
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 3: need anything. They don't do that in Paris. Like you
• 1:15:19
  Speaker 3: get your.
• 1:15:20
  Speaker 1: Food, you will be ignored until you summon them.
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 3: You will, you will get seated and then they'll give
• 1:15:25
  Speaker 3: you the menus and then when you're ready, you let
• 1:15:28
  Speaker 3: them know and they come by, they take the order,
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 3: and then they leave. Okay, they'll come back. They give
• 1:15:34
  Speaker 3: you the food, and then they fuck off and they
• 1:15:36
  Speaker 3: will not come back until you wave them down.
• 1:15:39
  Speaker 1: Because tipping's not a thing out there. No.
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 3: I mean you can, you can, you can drop a
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 3: euro or two, but it's very rare, like they don't.
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 1: They're doing possible.
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 2: Well it's not. Yeah, it's just it's.
• 1:15:50
  Speaker 3: But from their perspective, it's like, I don't want to
• 1:15:53
  Speaker 3: keep bothering you.
• 1:15:53
  Speaker 1: You're here to enjoy yourself, do your thing.
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 3: If you need me, you'll you'll get my attention.
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 1: See Disney's Beauty and the Beast really set a different
• 1:16:03
  Speaker 1: standard for what Paris hospitality was going to look like. Yeah,
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 1: I mean it was fucking songs and there's a whole
• 1:16:08
  Speaker 1: number and they're just bringing out shit and they were
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 1: super excited to see them, you know, like be our
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 1: guest man's.
• 1:16:14
  Speaker 3: Yes, no man, they may have misled you there. But okay,
• 1:16:19
  Speaker 3: aside from that, if we just assume that, let's just
• 1:16:22
  Speaker 3: say they're back in America and the same situation happens.
• 1:16:26
  Speaker 3: Like it's one of those things I can, I can again,
• 1:16:29
  Speaker 3: I can kind of resonate with the guy here, and
• 1:16:31
  Speaker 3: like I've worked as a waiter, you know, and so like, yeah,
• 1:16:35
  Speaker 3: sometimes people get busy, and it's not just like I'm
• 1:16:39
  Speaker 3: upset about it too. I also don't want to wait
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 3: fifteen minutes. But it's not that you're upset, it's what
• 1:16:45
  Speaker 3: you do when you're upset. And so like how we
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 3: react to these different things, Like because he reacts differently
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 3: doesn't mean he doesn't care.
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 1: It's just I think you and I are both a
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 1: little curious about the writer's reaction at that restaurant because
• 1:17:03
  Speaker 1: like being left to wait, and even if the right
• 1:17:05
  Speaker 1: the waiter is being a little salty with you in
• 1:17:08
  Speaker 1: a little short, you got so upset that you stormed
• 1:17:12
  Speaker 1: out of a restaurant and caused a scene, and that's
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 1: that seems a little bigger than what I expect. I mean,
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 1: maybe that's a once in a lifetime thing. It's like, hey,
• 1:17:21
  Speaker 1: I've never done that in my life. It is the
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 1: culmination of this whole trip, like just feeling, you know,
• 1:17:26
  Speaker 1: And I was in some kind of headspace.
• 1:17:28
  Speaker 3: And maybe the server was a real ass.
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 1: Maybe he really was over the top. What do I know,
• 1:17:32
  Speaker 1: you know, maybe he was cursing Italian, not many things, So.
• 1:17:35
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 1: But I don't know.
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 2: Writer.
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 1: I don't want to pick on you. I don't want
• 1:17:39
  Speaker 1: to make this something that you know, you're the problem.
• 1:17:42
  Speaker 1: I don't agree with that. I think it's safe and
• 1:17:45
  Speaker 1: healthy to tell our partner that we need something from them.
• 1:17:48
  Speaker 1: I want to be careful not to change their personality,
• 1:17:51
  Speaker 1: like going to an introvert and telling them you need
• 1:17:53
  Speaker 1: them to become an extrovert. Like I think that.
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 3: That's easy to become the life of the party, right.
• 1:17:58
  Speaker 1: You know, Like why don't you ever get up on
• 1:17:59
  Speaker 1: top the table and fucking go? And it's like, that's
• 1:18:02
  Speaker 1: not who I am, Like I never misrepresented myself as
• 1:18:05
  Speaker 1: anything other than who I am. So I want to
• 1:18:07
  Speaker 1: be careful with that. But I like you if you're
• 1:18:10
  Speaker 1: sincerely wanting change without blame. Nick's path was the right one,
• 1:18:16
  Speaker 1: approaching with sincere curiosity, As Jacob said, not when things
• 1:18:19
  Speaker 1: are heated, Not when there's blame to go around, Not
• 1:18:22
  Speaker 1: when you're still settling an argument and saying, teach me
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 1: how you're feeling what's going on inside of you? Whenever
• 1:18:30
  Speaker 1: you see me engaged in something. Do you think I'm
• 1:18:33
  Speaker 1: a little hot under the collar? Do you think I
• 1:18:35
  Speaker 1: fly off the hand a little too much? Does that
• 1:18:37
  Speaker 1: make you uncomfortable? Are you scared? Maybe you were beat
• 1:18:41
  Speaker 1: up as a young man, Maybe you've had bad experiences
• 1:18:44
  Speaker 1: and you're flashing back to something that I'm not aware of.
• 1:18:47
  Speaker 1: Teach me what's really going on, and that, writer, is
• 1:18:50
  Speaker 1: the path to real change if your goal is to
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 1: see your partner do things slightly differently and get a
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 1: little bit more supportive, figuring out what's going on inside
• 1:18:59
  Speaker 1: of them and a non judgmental way, and that means
• 1:19:01
  Speaker 1: you've got to really step away from language, like you know,
• 1:19:04
  Speaker 1: when I hear somebody say I can't get in my
• 1:19:05
  Speaker 1: feminine energy, I'm comfortable with that as long as that
• 1:19:09
  Speaker 1: is not the other side of the coin of saying
• 1:19:11
  Speaker 1: be a fucking man, Because it sure fucking sounds like
• 1:19:14
  Speaker 1: both phrases are gonna come out of the same mouth,
• 1:19:16
  Speaker 1: and so I'm gonna give you the benefit of the
• 1:19:17
  Speaker 1: doubt and assume you're not doing that shit. But if
• 1:19:20
  Speaker 1: you are, you're never gonna hear his truth. And if
• 1:19:22
  Speaker 1: you really want to get to the bottom of it,
• 1:19:24
  Speaker 1: if you really want to enable change, you have to
• 1:19:26
  Speaker 1: be non judgmental and accepting and curious and genuine and disarming.
• 1:19:30
  Speaker 1: And he has to feel that it is safe to
• 1:19:32
  Speaker 1: confess to you what's really going on in him. If
• 1:19:34
  Speaker 1: he does, you don't get to judge that. You don't
• 1:19:37
  Speaker 1: get to say, well, you're a coward, or you're afraid,
• 1:19:39
  Speaker 1: or you need to take better care of me, because
• 1:19:41
  Speaker 1: that's what real man does. That's not how you're going
• 1:19:43
  Speaker 1: to lead to change. Anybody who has a disposition or
• 1:19:46
  Speaker 1: personality trait, or something about them that they perpetually do
• 1:19:49
  Speaker 1: in a compulsive or automatic way, you can't shame them
• 1:19:53
  Speaker 1: into changing it. It starts with curiosity. That's how a
• 1:19:56
  Speaker 1: therapist would change it, getting them to self examine it,
• 1:19:58
  Speaker 1: and then creating small all deviations from that norm, small experiments,
• 1:20:02
  Speaker 1: trying something new, and then discussing how was that for you?
• 1:20:05
  Speaker 1: What was that like for you? What can I do
• 1:20:08
  Speaker 1: to better facilitate you reacting? How can I support you.
• 1:20:12
  Speaker 1: How can I tag you in in ways that you
• 1:20:14
  Speaker 1: feel more comfortable with, but opening that door in a
• 1:20:17
  Speaker 1: gentle way. If you want results, writer, that's the way
• 1:20:20
  Speaker 1: you're gonna get them. Yeah. I don't have much else
• 1:20:24
  Speaker 1: to add to that. I think that's I think we
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 1: need to call Whitney and ask how the service is
• 1:20:27
  Speaker 1: in Italy because Venice is not sounding like a wedding.
• 1:20:29
  Speaker 1: It's fine, oh wow, so quick. I've been to Venice
• 1:20:33
  Speaker 1: and I did not sit down at any restaurants because
• 1:20:36
  Speaker 1: that's some bit just crowded. What I did not care
• 1:20:38
  Speaker 1: for it a Venice and didn't eat. I got gelato.
• 1:20:41
  Speaker 2: You're an idiot.
• 1:20:42
  Speaker 1: I got That's all you need. I got gelato on pizza.
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 2: I was sixteen. I don't fucking want anything else.
• 1:20:47
  Speaker 3: I wanted pizza, IoT pizza, right.
• 1:20:51
  Speaker 2: I wish no, No.
• 1:20:53
  Speaker 1: The Italian pizza is drippy but good. But it's very drippy.
• 1:20:56
  Speaker 1: It's just wow, so drippy and not very so. It's
• 1:21:01
  Speaker 1: just the dough and then the cheese and not a
• 1:21:03
  Speaker 1: lot of cheese and no stuff crust, you know, just none,
• 1:21:09
  Speaker 1: no Canadian bacon. When I asked them, they just looked
• 1:21:11
  Speaker 1: at me.
• 1:21:12
  Speaker 3: Nick, there's got to be something you're looking at me,
• 1:21:14
  Speaker 3: move it along.
• 1:21:15
  Speaker 1: As we wrap up the show, we want to remind
• 1:21:17
  Speaker 1: you can sign up at patreon dot com slash therapy.
• 1:21:19
  Speaker 1: You can get the extended show advertisement free a day earlier,
• 1:21:25
  Speaker 1: as well as enjoy our live chat discord community and
• 1:21:27
  Speaker 1: our weekly deep dives, interviews, skill shares, research roundups and rants.
• 1:21:31
  Speaker 1: And we've got no new people to celebrate, Yeah we do,
• 1:21:35
  Speaker 1: never mind, the script is wrong. No, never mind, no, sorry,
• 1:21:39
  Speaker 1: we have a new therapy producer.
• 1:21:42
  Speaker 3: Shit. Welcome to the board, Sam Cone.
• 1:21:48
  Speaker 1: Nice to have you with us. Wonderful man. I need
• 1:21:52
  Speaker 1: to wear my glasses right next to me when I
• 1:21:55
  Speaker 1: read the script, but who can do that. We'd also
• 1:21:58
  Speaker 1: like to thank the benevolent, revere, generous, and flagrantly pro
• 1:22:01
  Speaker 1: therapy diehards who love you all so much they give
• 1:22:04
  Speaker 1: till it hurts. The therap partners Dirty Bee Pickett and
• 1:22:07
  Speaker 1: Jake Schneider, or it might be pronounced Schneider. I've never asked.
• 1:22:12
  Speaker 1: I'm sure it's Schneider. Yeah, I have asked. Okay, good, Yeah,
• 1:22:16
  Speaker 1: then we'll definitely be doing that from now on.
• 1:22:18
  Speaker 3: Also, Jock Jacques Schneer, Yes, oh yes, I think yes,
• 1:22:23
  Speaker 3: that's write that down.
• 1:22:25
  Speaker 1: And we want to think he.
• 1:22:30
  Speaker 2: Remember.
• 1:22:30
  Speaker 1: So the band club, the Therap producers, thank you, Myra,
• 1:22:33
  Speaker 1: Robert Brownie, Junior, Mint, Smitty Scoop, Ben Don, Judy Schneider,
• 1:22:38
  Speaker 1: uh Schneider.
• 1:22:39
  Speaker 2: Oh that's Judy Schneider, got no relationship.
• 1:22:43
  Speaker 1: Kayla Ansberry, Malia Leon Cab Mason Miller, Richard Fucking Macy,
• 1:22:47
  Speaker 1: Carolyn Albert, Kevin Chamberlain, Tess Miller, Sammy Scoop, Ben Stanley,
• 1:22:51
  Speaker 1: Slap in your face, Sarah Smith, Adam Hathaway, Builer t,
• 1:22:54
  Speaker 1: Mike Helm, Paris, Darren Cunningham, Lib Team Monaco, Thunder Cougar,
• 1:22:58
  Speaker 1: Falcon Scoop, Matt, Lisa Tangment, Hey o Oscar Swan, rose
• 1:23:01
  Speaker 1: A sunny Boy Slipper, Kaya, Motherfucker, Sandra mcwoffle Dan Martin, Hann,
• 1:23:06
  Speaker 1: Marie Andrew Langmead, Emma Kin, Alina Cody and Lorian Guy
• 1:23:10
  Speaker 1: and introducing Sam Cone.
• 1:23:12
  Speaker 3: And if you'd like to hear this episode uncut and unedited,
• 1:23:15
  Speaker 3: why wouldn't you and enjoy our spontaneous side projects. Go
• 1:23:18
  Speaker 3: to patreon dot com slash therapy and thank you for
• 1:23:20
  Speaker 3: supporting mental health.
• 1:23:21
  Speaker 1: That's all the time we got for this week's session one,
• 1:23:23
  Speaker 1: I thank our landlords mattin Mattingly's ice Cream Social podcast
• 1:23:26
  Speaker 1: and thinks of those of you who contributed to our
• 1:23:29
  Speaker 1: show today. We really appreciate it. But remember pop therapy
• 1:23:33
  Speaker 1: is something to keep all to yourself. Share this episode
• 1:23:35
  Speaker 1: with the world.
• 1:23:36
  Speaker 2: Tag us on the socials when you do. It's at
• 1:23:38
  Speaker 2: pop Therapy.
• 1:23:38
  Speaker 1: Guys at Instagram, threads and Twitter, at slash pod therapy
• 1:23:42
  Speaker 1: on Facebook, and don't forget about all the extra goodies
• 1:23:45
  Speaker 1: at patreon dot com slash therapy.
• 1:23:48
  Speaker 3: Do you want to submit a question and you should
• 1:23:50
  Speaker 3: because we're out. Ask him outimously pod therapy dot net
• 1:23:54
  Speaker 3: or email us at pot therapy guys at gmail dot com.
• 1:23:57
  Speaker 3: I'm neck Tanjman, I'm Jim. Thank you and we'll see
• 1:24:00
  Speaker 3: it for your appointment next week. Send questions.
• 1:24:04
  Speaker 2: Also, bye God.
• 1:24:05
  Speaker 1: We will not do this show the anonymous question situation
• 1:24:09
  Speaker 1: I've mentioned in the past, but just to refresher his memories.
• 1:24:11
  Speaker 1: Go to pod therapy dot net. There's a link that
• 1:24:14
  Speaker 1: says submit the question. It will take you to a
• 1:24:16
  Speaker 1: Google form that is fully anonymous. Because Tumbler started wanting
• 1:24:20
  Speaker 1: people to create accounts to submit questions, and we didn't
• 1:24:23
  Speaker 1: like that, so we want it to be anonymous. So
• 1:24:25
  Speaker 1: you can just go straight through that link it's all
• 1:24:27
  Speaker 1: still up there, or you can just email us.
• 1:24:29
  Speaker 2: If you email us, we will always keep it anonymous anyway.
• 1:24:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, if you email us and just say, you know,
• 1:24:32
  Speaker 3: keep this.
• 1:24:33
  Speaker 2: Anonymous, refer to be by anonymous or by whatever made
• 1:24:35
  Speaker 2: up name you want to, Yep, we'll we will respect
• 1:24:38
  Speaker 2: those wishes. That is true.
• 1:24:40
  Speaker 1: There you go, all right, Goodbye Cruel World.
• 1:24:43
  Speaker 2: By