Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Ep. 66: I Know I Should Leave… So Why Can’t I?

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Ep. 66: I Know I Should Leave… So Why Can’t I? · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Divorce Decision Podcast, the show for couples asking the most painful question in marriage.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Should we stay or should we go?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: If your marriage feels heavy, confusing, or painfully uncertain, you're not alone.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're leaning towards divorce or hoping to rebuild your marriage, my desire is to help you find clarity.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get started.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there everyone.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Divorce Decision Podcast.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Carrie Hoskins, and I am really glad that you are spending a small part of your day with me today.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: If this podcast has been helpful to you, and I really sincerely hope that it has, I'd appreciate it if you could take just a second and leave me a five-star review.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: It would mean a lot to me and it would help more people who are also struggling find the show.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: So today, what I want to do is talk to you about a very specific type of stock.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Last week we talked about the guilt that comes from questioning a marriage to a in air quotes good person.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today, what I want to do is talk to those of you who feel like you're kind of in the opposite situation.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily that your spouse is a bad person, but those of you who, when you look at your marriage, you think something like, I know I should leave, so why can't I?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your spouse has an addiction.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's been years of disrespect.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've carried the financial load, the household, the parenting, the emotional labor for so long that you are just completely exhausted.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's been repeated infidelity.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've asked for change over and over and over again and nothing has stuck, right?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And when you look at the facts, part of you thinks that the answer should be so obvious.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't okay.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I deserve more than this.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've given this enough time.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I still here?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then some of you, because you haven't left, start literally berating yourselves.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this just breaks my heart.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You think things like, why can't I do this?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I so weak?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I keep staying?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the part that I wanted to talk to you about today.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you can believe that you should leave.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can want to leave and still not be ready to make that decision.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can see the problems very clearly and still not feel clear about what you, again, in air quotes, should do.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And just to be clear, I don't know.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I am pretty clear about this because I say it on almost every single episode.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I really do not believe there is a quote unquote right or wrong should or shouldn't do in this situation.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: But seeing the problems very clearly and still not feeling clear, feeling clear about what you want to do or what you should do are not the same thing.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this is really why I wanted to talk to you about this today.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're in this place, my hope first is that you're gonna give yourself a little bit more grace than you are, right?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of beating yourself up for not being able to make your decision yet, get curious about why you feel stuck.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is definitely a lot of the work that I do with clients, especially in the very beginning when we first start working together.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's really to get curious about what is keeping them in limbo and indecision.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So what are you still holding on to?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: What are you afraid of losing?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: What are you hoping might still change?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: What feels unfinished to you?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Those are some of the things that you can really start getting curious about.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes just understanding why this decision feels so hard can take away some of the shame that you might be feeling around being stuck.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then once you understand what's keeping you there, you have something that you can actually work with.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: So listen, again, I am completely neutral when it comes to your decision.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: What's right for you is going to be different than what's right for someone else and whatever it is like their situation is.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So first, seeing the problem clearly does not make the decision clear, like I've already said.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Most of my clients, and probably a lot of you, are not confused about what is happening inside of your marriage.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like you know, you can tell me exactly what the pattern is.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one of my clients has been married for just about 30 years, and her husband has struggled to consistently hold down a job throughout most of their marriage.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: So through most of their marriage, she has worked two and sometimes three jobs consistently, simultaneously.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um while also raising the kids, handling the groceries, cooking, cleaning, running the household.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: She carries an enormous amount of responsibility for the family.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, her husband, who, you know, is out of a job again, is really involved with their teenage kids, but mostly just the fun part.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So he takes them to the gym and he plays golf with them and he plays ball with them, and she is left carrying so much of what actually keeps the family functioning.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, this is not a new problem.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's been the dynamic of their marriage since that very first year that they were married.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And she knows she's unhappy.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: She knows that she's resentful, she feels taken, um, taken for granted, not appreciated, and she knows that this is not the type of partnership that she wanted.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: In her her words, it's not a partnership at all.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she's been beating herself up because she still cannot bring herself to leave.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is such an important um distinction and why I brought this example up for you.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because she is not confused about the problem.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: She's confused about what to do about it.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that is uh, you know, just a really good example of two different types of clarity, right?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's clarity about your situation, the clarity that comes with knowing that the marriage isn't working for you, it isn't fulfilling, and it may not be healthy.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you might even think like, I can't keep doing this forever.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the clarity that actually comes about the decision, right?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: The clarity that comes with knowing what you want to do about it and when, and that's an important part too.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and just by the way, you guys, this also applies to if you're leaning towards staying, because if you choose to stay in your marriage, you actually have two decisions to make.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is to stay, and the second decision is how you're going to stay.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Are you going to just put your head down and keep doing what you're doing?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Are you going to work on your side and your mindset and just yourself?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you going to, you know, talk to your significant other, talk to your husband or wife to see if you can get help to turn the marriage around?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: So you actually have multiple decisions if you choose to stay.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And what I see a lot of people doing is we tend to collapse both types of clarity into one giant question, meaning both types of clarity around, you know, the marital problems and the marital decision into one giant question.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that becomes overwhelming, right?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So we think that once the problem becomes obvious, the decision should be obvious too, but obviously that's not how that works.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So oftentimes clarity about your problem comes first, and then clarity about what you want to do about it takes longer.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: So the second reason why this might be especially challenging for you is that your head and your heart might be in different places.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: So this is one of the hardest parts about questioning a marriage, is logically you may have one answer, and emotionally you may have a completely different like perspective.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: So you can look at the facts and think, okay, I should leave.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then also still love your spouse.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel deeply hurt and still feel deeply attached to them.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can know that they have broken your trust and still want to be in a relationship with them.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually working with two different couples right now, and both of their spouses have had multiple affairs.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And in both of those scenarios, they have family and friends just telling them, just leave.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the spouses who are cheated on are angry, they're exhausted, they're heartbroken, and they are devastated.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And neither of them are sure that they want their marriages to end.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: In both cases, they talk about knowing what they in air quotes should do, and yet neither of them are able to do it.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is really where people get so hard on themselves.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: They think, how can I still love this person after what they've done?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: But attachment and love does not disappear on command.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: It does not disappear because someone has hurt you, right?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly why it hurts.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Decades of love, family, history, memories, routines, and shared identity do not shut off because your logical brain has reached a conclusion.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can understand that something may be unacceptable and still feel emotionally bonded to the person who did it.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can know that this relationship, this marriage is painful and still remember all the parts that were actually meaningful and loving and kind and wonderful.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can know the marriage may not be healthy enough to continue as it is and still grieve the idea of losing it.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, this is actually one of the things that keep people stuck, is because they're feeling a lot of grief and they haven't allowed themselves to grieve.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that contradiction can really make you feel quite crazy, right?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: But you're not crazy.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening is you are holding on to two truths at the same time.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: So let me give you some examples of holding on to two truths at the same time.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: This relationship was hurt is hurting me, and I still love my husband, or I still love my wife.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or I know that this can't continue as it is, and I'm not ready to let go yet.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly why this decision feels so difficult for a lot of you.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the third reason that this can be so challenging is you are not only deciding whether the marriage is bad enough to leave, you are deciding whether you are ready to live the life that comes after that.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, you guys, I really think that this is probably the most scary part for a lot of you out there.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is where people sometimes get stuck in that question.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is it bad enough?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Has there been enough betrayal?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Enough resentment, enough disappointment, enough loneliness, enough years, enough chances?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Has it been enough?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes the deeper question is not, is this bad enough?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: For some of you, it's am I ready for what leaving means?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because ending a marriage means letting go of more than your spouse.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: It means letting go of the future that you thought you were going to have.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: The house, the family structure, the routines, the holidays, the financial picture, the identity of being married, the person you thought you were going to grow old with.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And even when the marriage has been painful, those losses can still feel really, really big.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now that first client that I mentioned is not simply asking herself whether or not she deserves a more equal partner.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: She's also facing the reality of ending a 30-year marriage, right?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: She's thinking about her children, her finances, her future, her history, whether she's going to feel relief or guilt if she's going to miss him, whether she's going to regret it.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And the spouses dealing with the multiple affairs, they are not just deciding whether betrayal is the big the deal breaker for them.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: They're also facing the loss of someone that they still love, the family they've built, the future that they thought they would have.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe even the hope that somehow their spouse is going to decide to choose them.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: So this is why just leave is not always emotionally possible.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Even when part of you believes that leaving makes sense.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where I really want to shift the question for you.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking, why can't I just leave?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Try asking, what am I still trying to understand or come to terms with before I can make this decision?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: That is a much more useful question, and I'm going to repeat it for you.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: What am I still trying to understand or come to terms with before I can make this decision?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And now for others of you, the question might be: what would have to change for me to genuinely want to stay?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, not tolerate the marriage, not survive it, not feel less guilty, but actually want to stay.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And am I staying because I want this marriage or because I'm too afraid to leave it?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and again, those are not the same thing.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I strongly encourage you to ask yourselves these questions and really do some reflection and listen to the answer because that answer might tell you much more about what you need next than beating yourself yourself up ever will.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me on that.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, if you are stuck in this kind of back and forth and you want help figuring out where you are in the decision-making process, you can start by taking my should we get a divorce quiz.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want individualized help on your own or with your spouse, you can book a free consultation with me.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: You do not need to know whether you are staying or leaving before we talk.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: That is exactly the work that we do together.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, my friends.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, I am Carrie Hoskins and this is the Divorce Decision podcast.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.