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New Therapist · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you. I did it, or we did it. I did it. I don't know.
• 1:10
  But I made it through meeting the new therapist and staying mostly. It got a little blurry. It was kinda busy in here. Everybody wanting to see. I could feel it.
• 1:27
  Except this time, I understood what was going on and what it was I was feeling. I made her a list of things I wanted to be sure and say in case I forgot. Just simple things like about why I've had so many therapists and what I already know and don't know or what they know in some cases. But it was progress, and I was proud of me because I really wanted to go and say, this is what I need help with, instead of not knowing what was going on or why I was there. We had to talk about why I was there and what some goals are that I have.
• 2:15
  And we decided that we were there to talk about the deaths of the parents, how hard things have been, and the things from the past, and my goals were being able to do that, talking about the past, I mean, and also friendship because it's starting to matter in new ways and different ways than ever before. So even when I found out that someone inside had sent some letters to our friends, instead of staying anxious about it, I just sent them a message. And I said, I don't remember sending some letters, and I'm not sure if I did or not. But I know this happened, and I'm sorry, or it's okay to talk about it. Because at least if I'm communicating inside and outside, then I'm stronger as far as knowing what's going on and what I can do about it even when it's hard or embarrassing or makes me feel afraid.
• 3:35
  And it actually worked out really well because my friend sent a message back and said that she just didn't tell me because I wasn't the one who sent it. And so she talked to the person who did send it, which kind of makes sense, and I think is how the therapist did it too maybe. So maybe sometimes that's why it feels like there's not a response just because I wasn't the one who got it, which feels better than just thinking that you did it wrong every time or messed things up or were just bothering people or in the way. That feels pretty quickly like some kind of shame spiral. And it gets very distressing very quickly, which makes reaching out in the first place pretty difficult.
• 4:40
  Which difficult. But we're getting better at it. We even went out to lunch with our friend Megan. She was on the podcast once. I think it was called Megan's Rainbow.
• 4:41
  She also has a podcast, and so we'll link to that on the Facebook page. But we met her first at the Healing Together conference in Florida last year. We couldn't go this year because of finances since we have to go to San Francisco for the podcast award. But it's the first time that we had a friend for a whole year even though we didn't actually talk to her hardly at all. She checked on us once in a while, and sometimes we sent a message to her.
• 5:14
  But she was also our first friend with DID. And so when we saw her and had a lunch with her, we gave her a badge. It's a funny thing. I don't know if you know about, but it's from the notebooks from Jean Marc. And so it feels good to feel him close and present and to sort of honor him in that way while also legitimately and authentically in a fun and silly way honoring our friend too.
• 5:45
  I cried at the new therapist. I cried not in a bad and not because I was upset, but because suddenly everything was okay again, and I was so relieved. I didn't mean to cry, and I didn't plan on crying, and I settled myself pretty quickly. But I hadn't realized until that moment how hard the last few months have been and how hard it is to change therapists and how hard it is to wait for services. So now we have every week appointments again, finally, after these long months without them.
• 6:28
  And we got booked way out like the therapist did with us before. So that feels comforting and safe somehow that we know we'll get to see her. Although it makes me scared for leaving town, and I hope we don't have to leave the country again for a while. I don't know how that works, but I also know we need the money to provide for our family. We are trying.
• 6:54
  I know also that doctor Yi is setting up an office online, not just through the platforms for working for other people, but for the first time since the parents died, starting to work for ourselves again. It makes me anxious, and I don't know how it's gonna work exactly or if we'll be able to pull it off or do okay or not. But maybe it's a way we can help people. I don't know. We're still working out the details and thinking about it, and we're having to have meetings inside because other things are still important, like staying present with the family and the children, and that takes a lot of time.
• 7:38
  So it's a lot to balance. But these are big things, communicating about something that was scary, like sending letters to your friends that you don't remember or meeting up with a friend for lunch or reaching out to another friend to say, I miss you or changing therapists and trying again and meeting someone new. I was also proud because there were more things that I knew in those early questions that the first time when I saw the therapist I didn't know the answers to. And now I know. So that felt good because so many times it feels like I know nothing or not enough or I'm out of control of my own life or not even part of my own life.
• 8:29
  But this time I knew. I think if I weren't so anxious, I could have even asked for help. Megan talked to me about that. About how you can ask inside for people to help you when you need it, just like you can ask people on the outside. I think that I'm still learning how to do both, ask on the inside and ask on the outside or even ask for help at all.
• 8:59
  But I am trying and I'm learning. And when I'm less anxious, I can even ask without using the notebook what's going on or where am I or why are we here or what do I need to do, or who can help me? And I can get the answers sometimes. It's a really new thing and feels almost like a magic trick, getting your memory back in some ways, except not yet. But I could feel a difference, which is what I needed and what I wanted.
• 9:32
  That even though it's a new person and my relationship with a new therapist will be fresh and change things and is a beginning. Where I'm starting from is not a beginning. I'm somewhere in the middle, in the middle of time, in the middle between memory time and now time, in the middle of me, in the middle of progress for therapy, in the middle of the process of learning how to remember, in the middle of me. Also, the new therapist wasn't creepy at all, and I think it's gonna be okay. I could feel that.
• 10:15
  She gave me choices and talked about what's okay and what's not okay and asked me what I felt and what I thought and what I needed. So we talked about everything from therapy before to why we're here now and even about the podcast and going to San Francisco in March. When we finished with the therapist, we had to go color a while and draw and paint. But because we were close to home, we were able to just go home and do it instead of being stuck somewhere and not able to do it or only having notebooks. I was worried that wouldn't work, but I think it's gonna be okay, the schedule and the new therapist.
• 11:10
  I'm getting started again. I'm even excited, maybe a little bit, to get through things. I don't want to, and I know it's going to be hard, and I'm scared even besides just being anxious because I know they're scary things. But also, part of me, parts of me, lots of me. We're really tired of them being in control of us, and we're really tired of being afraid, and we're really tired of them having power over us.
• 11:56
  Because they don't, not anymore. Because we didn't give up, and because we kept trying, and because we're still here. Because we advocated for ourselves, because we looked to find what is good and right, because we grew and learned enough to meet the needs of our family and care for our children well, And because now, finally, it's time for us to care for ourselves well. That includes going to visit our friend, and it includes meeting our friends with DID when we're able to and when we can. Because it's good for us to gather and heal together.
• 12:42
  We're better together. And it's good for us to stay in therapy because even when they talk about functional multiplicity, that includes functioning, which we're not very good at doing when we're not in therapy. So for us, that's how it works. For us to get better, to feel better, to be safe and well, even happy. I catch myself smiling sometimes and even laughing or hearing Sasha or Cassie laugh and almost being present, but almost like it's too foggy to see.
• 13:28
  But I can feel it, and I know that even though things are about to get hard and even though there are new challenges as we start this work at a new level, we're also feeling better because of it. And there's something stabilizing about having a safe person in your corner for therapy where you can tell anything to and good friends that you're safe with who love you well and who give you the dignity and opportunity to be human by loving them well too. And somehow that makes you feel a little more real. So I don't understand all about how connection is healing and how friendship matters, but I can tell you that it does and that that's part of how we're making progress. So my favorite moment in therapy today with the new therapist was when she asked about my support.
• 14:35
  Because for the first time in my life, I had some. I have the husband and I have my friends. We have colleagues. We have podcast listeners. We have our family that we've created ourselves, gathered ourselves, and become something out of all of us rejected by everyone else.
• 15:02
  And I think that's something pretty special when you do it well in healthy ways, taking good care of everyone. And there's maybe something to learn in that. Like, maybe we practiced on the outside first what we needed to do on the inside now. So maybe if we could gather our children and become a family, Maybe we could do that on the inside too. We didn't get any therapy homework yet or anything specific or directive like that, mostly just to come back.
• 15:42
  And sometimes showing up is the hardest part. But we did leave the circle notebook, which for us is a really big deal. It's the one we used in the unboxing ourselves episode to share about the different ones inside, answering the interview questions about who they are and what they need and what they know. And now with the new therapist, we'll keep filling it out and keep learning more and bringing people together stronger, healthier, in good and safe ways where we can communicate with each other and cooperate with each other and take care of each other. And that, I think, makes us pretty strong.
• 16:44
  So it was a hard thing that we did today, but it was a good thing, and I'm proud of us. I'm proud of me for going, for showing up, for getting there, for getting through it, and for talking. And after we talked, everything felt okay and still peaceful and good, not scary or consequences or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think it's just a good fit, and we're gonna be okay. And that is why I cried because I was so relieved that finally we have help again, and finally we have so much support around us, and finally we have hope the way we do that gives us such courage and such strength to keep trying.
• 17:39
  And when we think about all those boats we put in the water for the storms, to face the storms to get to the other side, this felt like one of them, a really big one of them landing on shore to the other side. Just one maybe. Maybe there's still a whole fleet out there of other things we have to do and other storms we have to face, but this one was big. And we've been in this ship since October. And we finally made it to the other side and landed and crawled to shore, grateful to be on land again.
• 18:19
  That's what it felt like, and it was good. Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.