Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #105 Extroverts and Introverts

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#105 Extroverts and Introverts · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time Poor Parent who just wants Answers
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  Speaker 1: Now where Luke and Susie a husband and wife radio
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  Speaker 1: team and the parents of three young boys. And today
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  Speaker 1: we're looking at a question from Heather who's wanting to
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  Speaker 1: figure out how extroverts and introverts can live together well
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  Speaker 1: in this isolation time. Doctor Justin, we need your help here.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, Heather's written a question and said, how do
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  Speaker 1: introverted parents end up with extroverted children? We know in
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  Speaker 1: a lot of homes around Australia right now we suddenly
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  Speaker 1: have people who are introverts and extroverts living together all
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  Speaker 1: the time, or certainly a lot more than they might
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  Speaker 1: have used to, with people working from home and kids
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  Speaker 1: home a lot more at the moment. And so these
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  Speaker 1: personality types can do really well together, but then there
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  Speaker 1: can come times where it's just a bit too much
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  Speaker 1: for the introvert or a little too little for the extrovert.
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  Speaker 1: What are your suggestions on how to survive this time
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  Speaker 1: with different personality types?
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  Speaker 2: Well, first of all, I'm not convinced that what's really
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  Speaker 2: being asked is how do introverted parents have extroverted kids,
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  Speaker 2: or vice versa.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's more how do we live together. I
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  Speaker 3: like the way you've tweaked.
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  Speaker 2: That question because I think that's really at the heart
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  Speaker 2: of what's being asked. I think it's important that we
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  Speaker 2: understand what an extrovert is and what an introvert is,
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  Speaker 2: because there's a lot of confusion and misconceptions around this.
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  Speaker 3: So the first thing that I would say is is this.
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  Speaker 2: Researchers have discovered that introverts tend to be very active
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  Speaker 2: in their own headspace. They tend to have a lot
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  Speaker 2: going on inside their brain. Therefore, they find stuff happening
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  Speaker 2: outside them to be a little bit troubling, a little
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  Speaker 2: bit overwhelming.
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  Speaker 3: That's why they like quiet. They like their own time
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  Speaker 3: and place.
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  Speaker 2: Whereas extroverts are like me and other people that we know.
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  Speaker 3: SUSI.
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  Speaker 1: I've met one or two along the way.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they they tend to not have quite as
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  Speaker 2: much going on inside their brain, and so they're constantly
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  Speaker 2: looking externally for extra stimulations.
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  Speaker 4: That's a fair Submarye.
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  Speaker 2: So that's one theory about what's going on with introverts
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  Speaker 2: and extroverts, and it probably applies quite a lot to
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  Speaker 2: what we're dealing with. There's another one that's probably worth
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  Speaker 2: mentioning just briefly as well, and that is that extroverts
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  Speaker 2: are people who are energized by being around other people,
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  Speaker 2: and introverts tend to be de energized by being around
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  Speaker 2: other people. This kind of explains why somebody who's introverted
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  Speaker 2: can still smile and laugh and be part of a
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  Speaker 2: large group conversation. It's not like they're hiding in the
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  Speaker 2: corner because they're an introvert saying get me out of
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  Speaker 2: this crowd. Introverts can function very well socially. They've got
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  Speaker 2: tremendous social skills.
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  Speaker 3: Quite often.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, sometimes extroverts have terrible social skills, but they
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  Speaker 2: just love being around people. And so again, when you
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  Speaker 2: look at what's going on with introverts and extroverts, you
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  Speaker 2: can see these totally different ways of being. Now, the
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  Speaker 2: context will have a little bit to do with how
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  Speaker 2: introverted or extroverted a person is, but ultimately, what we've
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  Speaker 2: got going on right now, as families are living together
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  Speaker 2: more closely.
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  Speaker 3: Than maybe that we're even designed too.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, you know, families for the last however, many
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  Speaker 2: millennia have woken up in the morning, second morning.
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  Speaker 3: And then disappeared in different directions to go and.
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  Speaker 2: Get on with whatever had to happen that day. And
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  Speaker 2: now we're not disappearing, we're all staying in the same
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  Speaker 2: few square meter even.
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  Speaker 4: Take it back tribally, and there was like there were communities,
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  Speaker 4: but you went out and hunted and gathered, and like
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  Speaker 4: there's never been a time in history where we've been
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  Speaker 4: so confined for such periods of time.
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  Speaker 2: It does feel like it's a never before seen kind
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  Speaker 2: of phenomenon. So getting along with each other is pretty tricky.
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  Speaker 3: I think that's probably the best word for it.
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  Speaker 4: So with that in mind, we've got a family where
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  Speaker 4: it's mixed with introverts and extroverts. How do we actually
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  Speaker 4: not throttle each other? How do we actually maybe even
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  Speaker 4: respect and honor each other enough to be able to
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  Speaker 4: thrive through this time?
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  Speaker 2: I really like those words respect and honor, so insightful
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  Speaker 2: and so important.
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  Speaker 3: One thing that pops into mind for me that could.
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  Speaker 2: Be helpful is just setting up boundaries, recognized limitations, and
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  Speaker 2: doing your best to make sure that the introverts are
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  Speaker 2: getting time away and the extroverts are learning how to
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  Speaker 2: respect other people's space. So if I were an extra,
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  Speaker 2: if I were an introvert parent, somebody who is de
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  Speaker 2: energized by lots of time with other people, what I
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  Speaker 2: might do is sit down in the morning and have
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  Speaker 2: a chat with the family about what our priorities are
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  Speaker 2: for the day, and we might identify, let's say, three
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  Speaker 2: basic priorities. We're going to do some home learning for
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  Speaker 2: an hour, We're going to do some physical activity for
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  Speaker 2: an hour, and we going to have an hour working
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  Speaker 2: on a project around the house.
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  Speaker 3: You know, there's plenty of weeds that have come up lately.
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  Speaker 2: For example, you know, we're painting all of the architraves
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  Speaker 2: in the living room, whatever it might be, and so
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  Speaker 2: and by the way, this is what I recommend families do,
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  Speaker 2: regardless of the personality makeup that you're dealing with. What
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  Speaker 2: we do, then, is we highlight you know, as an
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  Speaker 2: introvert parent, I must say to my children, kids, you
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  Speaker 2: know that I like things to be quiet and sometimes
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  Speaker 2: I just like to have my own space, but we're
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  Speaker 2: not getting very much of that.
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  Speaker 3: And I know that you kids love having lots.
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  Speaker 2: Of time with me and with each other and bouncing
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  Speaker 2: off the walls because you've got so much energy and
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  Speaker 2: you love being around people.
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  Speaker 3: So we've got these three periods during the day.
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  Speaker 2: They're going to take about an hour each, and some
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  Speaker 2: of them are going to be really close where we're
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  Speaker 2: going to be together, and others we're going to have
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  Speaker 2: a little bit of separation and time. So you can
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  Speaker 2: kind of set that expectation, create that boundary. You might
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  Speaker 2: also say, well, what else are we going to do today, Well,
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  Speaker 2: we're going to come together for lunch, but then we're
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  Speaker 2: going to have some separation, some separate time where we're
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  Speaker 2: doing our reading or and we essentially map out our
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  Speaker 2: day without looking too much at the clock. I strongly,
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  Speaker 2: strongly recommend that we don't sort of say, you know,
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  Speaker 2: from nine to fifteen until ten forty five we're doing this,
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  Speaker 2: and then from ten forty six to eleven o three
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  Speaker 2: it's going to.
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  Speaker 3: Be that's that's too much pressure.
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  Speaker 2: But instead we just highlight these are the times we're
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  Speaker 2: going to come together. These are the times we're going
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  Speaker 2: to be in our own space. These the activities we
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  Speaker 2: have that you can choose from when you're in your
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  Speaker 2: own space, These are the activities we'll be doing together.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't take a lot of organization, I'd say five
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  Speaker 2: or ten minutes in the morning to sort of map
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  Speaker 2: out where you're going. And what that should do is
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  Speaker 2: not just help you to manage the personality issues around
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  Speaker 2: introverts and extroverts, but it will also help you to give
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  Speaker 2: the children a sense of predictability, a sense of certainty
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  Speaker 2: around what's going to happen today, how the day is
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  Speaker 2: going to roll out.
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  Speaker 3: They're not going to be on your case constantly.
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  Speaker 2: Oh and one other thing that will help tremendously if
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  Speaker 2: you can just put a sign on the fridge each
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  Speaker 2: morning saying tonight dinner is.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, Because if you're.
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  Speaker 2: An introvert parent and you can answer that one question
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  Speaker 2: at seven o'clock in the morning, just point at the
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  Speaker 2: fridge and they'll leave you alone. So long as they
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  Speaker 2: know what dinner is as they're having breakfast, as long
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  Speaker 2: as they know what dinner is when they're having lunch.
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  Speaker 2: So long as they know what dinner is throughout the day,
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  Speaker 2: everything's going to be okay.
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  Speaker 3: You'll get through this.
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  Speaker 4: If you don't know why that advice is relevant and
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  Speaker 4: so hitting home to the point you probably don't have children,
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  Speaker 4: certainly year old it's like the only thing he's interested
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  Speaker 4: at any point.
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  Speaker 1: Of any day, what's the next thing to eat?
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  Speaker 4: Well, I think this is wonderful Susan as an introvert,
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  Speaker 4: as someone who in that space is struggling, do you
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  Speaker 4: feel like we've got some plans that we can implement.
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  Speaker 3: I've had.
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  Speaker 1: My brain's been ticking over as we've gone, actually, because.
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  Speaker 4: I think the plan for me, justin what you just said,
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  Speaker 4: the plan is not so much for our children in
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  Speaker 4: this case, it's for Susie. It's for her to know
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  Speaker 4: where can she get her next bit of time to herself.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm glad that you pointed that out, Luke.
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  Speaker 2: It's not just about the kids. It's about you, as
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  Speaker 2: an extrovert, recognizing a wife who sort of says, you know,
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  Speaker 2: every now and again, this is a little bit too much.
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  Speaker 2: And during the day normally I get that downtime. I'm
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  Speaker 2: not getting it now. And so as a husband, you've
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  Speaker 2: got an opportunity to step in and say, kids, you know,
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  Speaker 2: the mom doesn't get excited about being around people all
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  Speaker 2: day like you, like you doing like I do.
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  Speaker 3: So we're going to go and do that walk around
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  Speaker 3: the block.
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  Speaker 2: We're going to go for that buyed because as a family,
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  Speaker 2: we're allowed to do that in spite of the government
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  Speaker 2: regulation saying there's so many things we can't do.
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  Speaker 3: We're going to go and give mom.
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  Speaker 2: A little bit of time and a little bit of
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  Speaker 2: space so that she can just recalibrate and re energize
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  Speaker 2: and have that downtime.
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  Speaker 3: What a wonderful gift you can do.
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  Speaker 2: And if you're in a partnered relationship, being mindful of
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  Speaker 2: that personality difference and looking for ways that you can
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  Speaker 2: serve it will change your relationship for the better. If
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  Speaker 2: you're on your own, that's a different kettle of fish,
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  Speaker 2: and that's where those boundaries and that family meeting become
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  Speaker 2: even more important.
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  Speaker 1: So good Doctor Dustin Wilson, thank you, Thank you so
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  Speaker 1: much for talking this through with us.
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  Speaker 3: Really appreciate it. Yeah, always a pleasure.
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  Speaker 4: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: get onto iTunes and leave a rating and review. You
• 8:41
  Speaker 4: can click on the stars and leave a.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Comment like Mela Fluid he did, who said wonderful parenting resource.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Dr Dustin Pilson's podcast, books, videos, online articles, et sech
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: for the list goes on are such wonderful resources for
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: parents who want to encourage positivity and happiness using the
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: latest evidence. He communicates ideas in a way that is
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: easy to understand and with a respect for how hard
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: parenting can be. Definitely a great place to start if
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  Speaker 1: you're feeling a need to make some changes.
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: Oh that's a good review. If you like justin to
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• 9:11
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