Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #50: What Young Adults Need Most From Their Parents: A Heartfelt Conversation With a 25-Year-Old

Transcript

#50: What Young Adults Need Most From Their Parents: A Heartfelt Conversation With a 25-Year-Old · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I've been really looking forward to this guest today because she's the perfect choice for the anniversary of my 50th episode.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to mark the occasion by having my first ever young adult on the podcast.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: She holds a bachelor's degree in psychology, a master's in psychotherapy, and at the time of this recording, she's a qualifying, registered psychotherapist who specializes in relationship issues, self-esteem, and eating disorders.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Her approach is grounded in respect, authenticity, collaboration, and empowerment, as she helps her clients to pave their own path while offering support and practical strategies along the way.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: The reason I invited her on was because I wanted parents to hear her perspective on what young adults really need, not just for themselves, but from their parents.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Her self-awareness, insight, and wisdom are truly commendable.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I won't give too much away, but suffice to say, she's a remarkable young woman, and I know you're gonna love this episode.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I encourage you to share it with your young adults.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget to hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get into this, Andy.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate you joining me today on launch.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am so excited about this interview.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm so excited to be here.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you are actually the first young adult that I am interviewing.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: No pressure.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm also doing it on my 50th episode.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So very honor.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: You should be honored.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, honestly, the reason I invited you here today is because I think parents will really appreciate hearing from a 25-year-old who's willing to share her perspective on life.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that uh it's something that parents need to hear.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: They need to hear from a young adult who's just in the thick of things.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started from you telling us a little bit about yourself.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you already kind of shared my name and age, so all the government-related details are out of the way.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um that's okay.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I am doing my master's right now in counseling and psychotherapy.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just wrapping that up.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I've been doing my placement as an intern.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: So practicing to be a therapist, which has been incredible, such a learning opportunity.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Personally, I think it's important to mention as well like I volunteer.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I work with the Kids Help Phone Crisis Support as like a live chatter.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: I also work as a volunteer with NETIC, which is the National Eating Disorder Information Center, as a chatter for live support.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: So either of those platforms, you may have talked to me, or your children may have talked to me if they're using them.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: But also great learning opportunities and yeah, have taught me a lot about the power of support, I think, over the years.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: In my personal life, I am living alone in my apartment.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: I do work part-time, but I'm mostly focused on studies and my internship and volunteer.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: I will mention my parents are divorced.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's gonna be very helpful to this conversation.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they've been divorced for I think over 10 years now, maybe.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, that's definitely had an impact on how things have gone in my life, but in good and bad ways, of course.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I'm in a relationship.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very close with my family and friends, which I feel is really important for my life.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, that's a bit about me.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to go back to something.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you you're on a crisis line, you you do that, yeah, and you said something about eating disorder.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a certain age range of young adults that you speak to?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, honestly, it's all ages on the crisis support line.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: We don't even know how old people are, so you could be any age.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: It is geared towards kids, but I'm very positive that like adults and young adults and even elderly people have chatted in with me.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: So there's that.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Same with Nedic.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think that it's really like any age we're gonna support you, but there may be limitations to what resources we can offer.
• 4:32
  unknown: Yeah.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: What does a typical day look like in your life?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because you are obviously very busy.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: So walk us through it.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so every day looks a bit different just because I kind of decide my schedule, but most days will include like a session with a client or two, volunteering, doing my coursework for my program, doing the session note, like recording after a session, preparing for sessions, doing my trainings, because that's a whole separate part of my program.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I love working out.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: I love spending time with friends and family when I can, going for walks in nature.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I try to incorporate a balance of everything.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you're living on your own without a roommate, it seems.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is that correct?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't mention that.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know many parents are going to be wondering, you know, with today's economy, how are you managing that?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: So, like I mentioned, I'm not working full time.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so, in full transparency, my parents do support me and help me with my rent and some of my bills.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that is the answer to your question.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: But I think that it's been the best situation for all of us.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't think that it's like something where they're resentful that they have to help me.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think it feels very natural for the circumstances we're in.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So take us back a bit.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Share with us when you first moved out and what motivated you to do that.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: So the first time I moved out was for university.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like 17 years old.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I wanted to be in a different city than my like current one at the time.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I only applied to like away schools.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: I got into a few and I decided to go to Western.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was two and a half hours away from where my family was living.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so just wanting that independence and I think privacy and also not wanting to decide like between where I was gonna live, that became a point of conflict for my family.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: It was like, where was I staying?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Which parent was I staying with, how was the other parent feeling?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: There was conflict between them.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it felt like peaceful to be able to move out on my own and not have to worry about that so much.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually, I moved back home after a couple of years.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't like being so far away from everyone.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I transferred to York, which is more central to where I was living.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I think I live with my parents for about a year, maybe a year and a half, maybe two.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then eventually I was like, no, I need to live on my own again.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: My parents at that point had created their own lives separately.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, they're in relationships, their careers are developing, they have their own things going on.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think it made the most sense once again for me to just live on my own.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I was also ready for that at that point because I was used to it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, how did your parents feel about you moving out on your own?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Were they emotionally supportive?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Did they help you plan it out?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: How did that work?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so I'll talk about the second time I moved out since that was like the permanent move.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think that my parents were both very supportive.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: My mom was definitely more like emotional about it because it was sad.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was like her youngest child leaving.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that was hard, but I think she also knew it was the best circumstance for all of us.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: But there were stipulations.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't just allowed to like leave.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I had to have a job that was paying my bills.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I had to figure out what my bills were going to be and create like a budget plan and make sure everything was gonna be taken care of.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so while they did offer me financial support, I also had to have a job and a budget and like have a plan.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: So I wasn't dipping into savings every month.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Got it.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: When did you first start learning how to take care of yourself?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like you, you know, the shop for your food and your meals and your laundry, like pay your bills, all of those adulting responsibilities.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Was it while you were still at home, away at school, or on your own?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: It started when my parents were divorced.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: So like I was splitting my time pretty evenly at that point, living with my dad half the time, living with my mom half the time.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so when I was with my mom, she took care of everything at that age because I was only like 15, 16, 17.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: So, of course, like she still was doing the motherly roles that she had before.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: My dad, on the other hand, was not doing any of those things.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I became the mother of the household in a sense, like I was doing grocery shopping, I was meal planning, I was like cooking the meals, I was cleaning, I was doing my own laundry, I was pretty much accountable for myself and making sure everything ran as it was.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: So that was like a big role that had to be filled half the time.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: So it taught me a lot.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I was I was actually very happy to do it because I think I really enjoyed being independent and it was fun for me then.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: But it was also nice to go back to my mom's and like everything's taken care of.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: My meals are cooked, she's getting the groceries, like that's all done.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a good balance.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then obviously, when I moved to university and lived by myself, like it went into pretty much a hundred percent.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm taking care of myself.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: My mom would make me meals and send them with me, like when she would visit or when I would come home, but for the most part, that doesn't last very long.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So by the time you moved out on your own, you were pretty much set.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it was like, no, I can do this in my sleep.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm not usually one to bring up COVID, but I know for so many parents listening that it was a period that really set their kids back.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of kids had to move home.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, some became antisocial, depressed, and while others uh were able to move on after, there's a lot of young adults today that never quite bounced back.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess my question is to you how did that whole experience affect you?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I was in university.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: I had just transferred from Western to York.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I was living back at home, and um, there was a lot that came with that period.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think initially there's obviously a lot of fear, there's a lot of anxiety, there's a lot of isolation.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so those are all just generally hard things to deal with.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we're scared of people and we don't want to go out.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, that's not natural to being a human being where we thrive off connection and belonging.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: So that was there, there.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then um, with my dad, he was considered like elderly, so there was a big fear in my family of getting him sick and what that would mean for him.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that caused some like uh conflict within the family, and so eventually I was living with my dad.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: I went to go live with my mom because of those fears, and then it was just hard.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to be at home all the time and have a lot of fear, have a lot of anxiety, feel very alone.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was not the best period of my life.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think I definitely lost myself in that, and I think it's hard not to when there's just so much uncertainty, fear, isolation going on.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: That was probably the first time I actually felt anxiety in my life, and rightful so.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like it was it was it was tough.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now that you've been living on your own for a few years, could you ever see yourself moving back with either of your parents?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: As much as I love and adore them, I could not see myself living with them permanently.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think, and I think they would say the same thing.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's like we've all created lives for ourselves where we love spending time together, but we also love our space and the homes that we have.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't think that that's a bad thing.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's actually quite healthy.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: What's your relationship like with your parents?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting I'm getting a glimpse of it now, but just you know, and obviously you you must have two separate relationships with them.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if you if you don't mind, can you give us a little insight into what it's like with your parents?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I feel like I've always had very uh separate relationships from them uh with them.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: So with my mom, like I feel like my mom is my rock and like someone I can go to for anything.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: So having that like support, but also knowing that she's not like checking in on me all the time and like criticizing me or judging me, I think that is really nice.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like she's just my friend, but I also know like she's my mother.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like there is a level of respect there, there's a level of wisdom, there are boundaries that I think we both have created in our relationship, but that's not to say we haven't had tough periods.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think like it's really easy to like overlook like some of the transition periods of our lives and the changes that we've gone through to get to where we are today.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I I think it's important to mention that because relationships are not easy, they take work, they go through phases of growth, of change, of turmoil, like anything.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I always like to mention that.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: And same with my dad, like it's the exact same.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: We've had rocky periods and periods where we're not as close.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm closer now with my dad than I ever have been, like living alone and creating a relationship with him that feels more like a friendship.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: I think that that would accurately describe that.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your parents have been divorced, you said over 10 years.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you close?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: It seems like you were close to them.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess what my question is: so how do you find the time to spend with each of them?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'll be honest.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: I definitely prioritize spending time with my parents over other things, like let's say socializing with my friends.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like I know a lot of people my age will probably see their friends more than they do their parents.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: But because my parents don't live in my city all year, and like we don't always get that time together, I do prioritize our relationships and also because of the age.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: My parents are older than most of my friends' parents are, and so I think in the back of my mind, I always know like this is my time to spend with them.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: There is no later, you know.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do I do it?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: I usually have dinners with them at least like once a week.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: If it's not a dinner, it's like we're running errands, we're grabbing lunch, we're talking.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that's how I maintain it's just like at least once a week we're sitting down, we're eating, and we're we're catching up.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Very nice.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can you remember?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you just mentioned this, so I'm I'm kind of going back, but I'd like you to recall a time in your mind when you were struggling with something, a time in your life when you couldn't talk to your parents.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Who did you turn to?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: When I think of like a period of time, it's probably high school.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's for most people.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's like that's the time when you're trying to become your own person.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: Friends are the priority.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you feel like your parents don't understand, or maybe they'll judge you, or whatever it is.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: So even though that wasn't necessarily true, I think for me it was just like I would turn to my friends at that stage.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: So any time during the divorce, was that a difficult time?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: I I have an episode, I can't remember which one it is, but I had a divorce coach on, and she she coaches parents with older children.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's actually a great episode.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have it on my mind.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'll put it in the show notes which one it is for any parents who want to know how to manage that.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: But when you were a young adult and your parents were divorced, you are a young adult, was that difficult for you?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: And ironically, I was super supportive of my parents getting a divorce because I knew it was like gonna make one or both of them happier.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so it was more so like I didn't expect that the the effects that came with it, like how they're split, how living in two separate households, how the conflict between them um would impact me.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think at that stage, uh my mom recognized that I needed additional support and got me a therapist.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was really helpful at that stage.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly, you're an advocate for people seeking support.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's what you do, you've gone out and gotten support yourself.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, how important do you think it is for a young adult who is struggling to seek professional help?
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it's incredibly important, especially if it feels like something you're open to.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's a lot of like misconceptions with therapy, like there's gonna be these big changes, the therapist is gonna tell you what to do, like, you know, it's gonna be really hard or uncomfortable.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: Really, a therapist is there to guide you and support you and like ask questions and help you find coping strategies for things.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that if you're interested or if your young adult is interested in therapy, it is super helpful, can be very beneficial, just about finding the right person that's gonna be a good fit.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: But it is, it is uncomfortable to be very open and vulnerable with a stranger.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: So giving it that time to like to get to know the therapist, to let them get to know you, I think it's important.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: I love what you just said that it's not always the first person that you talk to.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so maybe that's what turns off young adults.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: They they meet with a therapist, they don't have that connection and they just think that's it, it's not gonna work for me.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: But to your point, if the first person you talk to doesn't feel right, keep looking until it until you feel that connection.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so interesting because you've been on both sides, like you've had the therapy and now you are helping others in therapy.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: What advice do you have for parents who have an anxious or depressed young adult at home who refuses to seek help?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think they should just leave them alone in their room?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm leading the witness here.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you think parents should step in?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: First, like I want to empathize with how challenging and heartbreaking it is to have a child suffering at home.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think no one wants to see someone they love go through something like that.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, do you leave them alone in their room?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Do you let them figure it out for themselves?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: I would say no.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: I also know we can't force someone to change, but I think that them knowing that you're there for them is so important.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: And whether it's being someone that they can turn to that will listen to them and validate how they're feeling, whether it's giving them options of like, this is what you can do if you need to, if you'd like to speak to a therapist, if you want to see a doctor, if you want to join a support group, like if you want to chat into a support line, like there are options and you should encourage them to take advantage of them rather than just sit with what they're feeling, because we all need support, especially when we're struggling with mental health.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: I like that.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: How important do you think self-care is to you?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like taking care of yourself, taking time for yourself, your mental health, your physical well-being.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: What value do you put on that?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it's so important.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't think it's something that I realized until probably the last year or so when I was juggling so much, how important it is to really take time to rest, to recharge, to like tune into what you need.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so huge advocate for self-care.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love following like the five senses self-care routine, which is like engaging all of your senses.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, what can you listen to?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: What can you smell?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: What can you feel?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: What can you eat?
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: What can you see?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like engaging all of that, it brings you back to your body, you know, journaling, exercising, speaking to a friend, getting that support, like whatever it is, very important for balance in life and mental health.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: You were you, I just you answered a question.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was just gonna ask, can you give suggestions?
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because this in on all my episodes, I always try and give actionable steps.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for sharing those.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Those were great.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're having one of those days, and you sort of answered it, but if you can go a little bit deeper again for the listener who's got the young adult at home who is having a bad day, and you're you're feeling off or discouraged, what helps you pick yourself up and and keep going?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: I think the first thing is self-compassion, which is like acknowledging that I'm human, I'm gonna have hard days, and to give yourself the kindness you would give to someone you love and to be mindful.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what do I need?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: What is my what is my body asking for?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: What is my mind gonna need to kind of feel more at ease and tuning into that?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: So again, like engaging the five senses is great for that toolbox of like, am I checking all the boxes?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: But it could mean something different for everyone, whether it's like slowing down, taking some things off your plate, whether it's reaching out for that connection, taking a day to just kind of take it more easy, rest, recharge.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: Recharge, recharge.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good word, yes.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: So you mentioned journaling.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to go back.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: For a second, because I'm a very big big advocate of journaling.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: How long have you been journaling for?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, tell me about that.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because I just I do I'm repeating myself, but I do feel very strongly that when you get your thoughts out on paper, it's just you and your thoughts.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: I feel it's very helpful for young adults.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: I've been journaling my whole life.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: So tell me how you got into that and what it does for you.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I've been journaling for a while, probably since like high school or university, especially.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: But I think it's the way that we journal sometimes too.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think it can be a little like intimidating or weird to journal.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what do I write?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what is a prompt that I can use?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so I tend to encourage people to either say, like, what are you grateful for?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: You can do a brain dump of like whatever's on your mind.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: You can write a letter to yourself, whether it's a past version, a future version, or you can be your own therapist.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you can literally write all your thoughts down and then challenge them and give yourself that positive self-talk, that like inner wisdom that you need to hear, making a pros and cons list if you're trying to figure something out.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like there are different ways to use journals.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that can be also helpful in terms of like where do I start?
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: How do I start?
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: You mentioned gratitude.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's a big one for me.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think we we don't uh we don't express gratitude enough.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm glad that you that you do.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anyone in your life that you can always talk to without judgment, someone you feel you can just rely on?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the one person that comes to mind is my mom.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: There are definitely people in my life that I can go to, but in terms of like talking to someone about anything and whether I've processed it, it's completely like random thoughts and feelings I'm just throwing at her.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like she sometimes is just the best person, well, all the time, the best person to kind of share how I'm feeling and what's going on.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: She organizes some of my thoughts or she'll see like themes that are going on, she'll just validate how I'm feeling.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's really helpful.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: And when I ask, like she will give me that kind of guidance that I'm looking for sometimes.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, that's that's it.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: So for a parent listening and they want to be that person for their young adult, what suggestions can they can they do or use that would enable that kind of openness?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it comes with the foundation of building a relationship.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like we can't expect people to obviously open up to us and be that vulnerable just off the bat.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it's about really focusing on the foundation of the relationship, building trust, building openness, creating a safe space that's not judgmental, um, validating, encouraging, just listening is huge without needing to respond, just listening and yeah, empathizing, you know, like sometimes there could be a disconnect, I think, between what we're saying and how someone is receiving it.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: So really taking the time to be like, how are they feeling in this moment?
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: What can I do for them that will make them feel better?
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: Or how can I just be here for them?
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's as a mother with young adults, it is very hard to not want to jump in and advise and give all the solutions.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I want parents to understand that that act of listening, that that empathy that you just suggested is it's almost like it's easy if you think about it.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy to just sit there and be a good listener.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it's all sometimes it's all you really need.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Would you say that your mom or dad coddled you?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, by coddle, all I mean that they were overly protective, uh, shielding you from challenges, which is different from nurturing.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's an important distinction that I want to make.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Nurturing promotes self-reliance and self-esteem, whereas coddling undermines confidence and creates a sense of dependency.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, whereas the opposite, I'm sorry, I'm gonna just finish this, the opposite of coddling, the other extreme, would be where they give you too much space and you have to figure things out on your own.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: And we know that parents can be one or the other or somewhere in between.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that clarifies it.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can now answer that question.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it's important to define it because like we're all gonna have different ideas of what that means.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I appreciate that.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think my parents did let me face the consequences of my actions throughout my life, even from a young age.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like if I got into a conflict with someone at school or if I stole something, they they let me endure those consequences.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: And but it was not without like um coming home and having that support.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like I could still call them, I still knew that they weren't gonna turn their backs on me.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: There might be like a long lecture or like some type of other consequence at home.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, this is not gonna be available to you anymore.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I think that there was that, like, you're gonna go through the experiences that you need to, and you're gonna face the real life consequences.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that was good.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: You stole?
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: You learn you learn quickly not to.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a big advocate of self-confidence, which I just want to point out for the listener is not something that we are born with.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: It really does fluctuate throughout our lifetime.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: There are times we feel more confident, times we feel less confident.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: It really depends on what's going on in our lives.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, to keep this question sort of simple, what I mean by self-confidence is that inner voice that says, I trust myself, I believe in myself enough that I can handle whatever's going on, move through it, even if it's a little bit scary.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, I guess what I'm asking is how and what do you do to continually develop your self-confidence?
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm gonna turn your simple question into a more complicated question.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, with my answer.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I think this is a good point to share the circle of security.
• 28:19
  unknown: Okay.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I'm actually going to add it in at the end of our interview.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'll leave it on the screen so you can talk about it.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then at the end of the interview, who's ever watching uh the visual part, the inter the actual visual, can take a look at it.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or you can always look it up.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: But go ahead, tell us a little bit about that.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, if you are interested, you can just search up Circle of Security.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: You'll see the diagram we're talking about.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: But it's based on the idea that children have two big emotional needs from their parents.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's the need to explore where we want to go out into the world, try new things, grow.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: But we need to know someone is there to give us the support if we need it.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: And the second one is the need for comfort and safety.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: So when things feel hard or scary, we want to be able to come back to someone who will comfort us and help us feel safe again.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: So the circle shows how healthy relationships allow both going out for independence and exploration and coming back in for connection, comfort, and reassurance.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, and so the caregiver's role is to be that secure base, encouraging and supporting exploration and to be a safe haven, welcoming and comforting them when they come back to them.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: So over time, this builds a sense of trust, safety, emotional security, and confidence in handling the world.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so a secure attachment style is what you want to foster in your young adults and um children.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: If you're noticing that your child or even yourself doesn't have that sense of security, it's not too late.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like it is something you can still foster.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so how this relates back to self-confidence is having a secure attachment style and a secure base where you can trust yourself and the world and your parents.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_01: It gives us the confidence to then go out into the world and explore and try new things and challenge ourselves and trust that like we can come back to a safe, supportive space where if something bad happens, we don't have to face it alone.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that's really important.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: It teaches us like I'm capable and I'm worthy throughout your life, right?
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: So there's also a reminder in the circle of security that parents should always be stronger, wiser, and kind and to take charge whenever necessary.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: So there's this caveat of like, we don't want to let children or our adult children push us over, but we do want to be there for them with healthy boundaries.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: Got it.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back, I mean, clearly you're a very independent young girl.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think has contributed to that level of independence?
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: As you know, that's a very key point in what I'm trying to help parents with is establish a level of independence.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: So tell us how you got there.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think it's an amazing mission, by the way, like to be able to help people cultivate that in their young adults.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: So important.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think what's taught me that is just having the independence or the ability to try things and do things on my own.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_01: So my parents letting me, you know, go out into the world, move to a university, to challenge myself, to learn to do things for myself, to face consequences.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think these are all really important um lessons that we learn in like this is who I am, this is my sense of self.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_01: I have the ability to do things, they trust me to go out and do things, and I know I can come back to them if anything goes wrong or if I need that support.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: But like I'm capable.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: I think, first of all, I apologize.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't acknowledge how well you shared the circle of security with us.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I just went into the next question.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I think you've actually demonstrated in your life that the circle of security has enabled you to develop your independence and concurrently your self-confidence.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I love that.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for sharing that.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's important too, because you don't have to let go of your child to let them be independent.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: You just have to let them go out and face the world and explore and try new things and just have them know that you're still there for them.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's beautiful, actually.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm curious, how do you handle stress or or uncertainty in your life when it comes up?
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's tough.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_01: I think that there's no manual for like how to face stress.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think each situation calls for different strategies or tools.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_01: My mom like coined this thing of like, where what's in your toolbox?
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what do you got going on in there?
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I love that.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's something I use in my work with my clients too.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's true in life we need a toolbox of strategies and things that we can pull from as we face different challenges, obstacles, stressors, uncertainties.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do I do it is focusing on, again, like what's what's creating the fear, what's creating the uncertainty, what's creating the anxiety, kind of be getting in touch with how I'm feeling, you know?
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so that can help guide you into terms in terms of like what tools to use.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_01: So, do I need to talk to a friend or a family member?
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know, do I need to kind of organize my thoughts?
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need to journal?
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need to reflect?
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need to go for a walk and get out of my head?
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need to just trust myself and the process of like I'm gonna get through this, you know, because some things we can't control.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: So focusing on what you can't control, what you can't control is also helpful.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: And seeking support, like I don't think that there's anything wrong.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_01: I know there's tons of people who um will seek out support, whether it's from friends, family, professional support when they're going through tough times, and that's very helpful.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: What did your parents do?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: We might have covered this.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to say something?
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to add in it kind of relates to this, but my mom would always say, like, you can feel bad about whatever you're feeling, and you can feel sad and mad and angry, but at one point you need to get back up and get out into the world.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I think there's always this message of like, you can feel shitty about whatever's going on, but at one point you need to get up and get out there.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_01: The world goes on.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's good advice.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_01: It is good advice.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was just gonna say what kind of support or words mean the most to you from your parents.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to kind of touch on my own experience, but also what I've seen in some of my work with young adult men, because I have some clients.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it will be helpful.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: Personally, I think encouragement, validation, and acknowledgement goes a long way.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: I know that when I go to my parents, like I don't always need them to give me guidance or solutions.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's just like you want to feel like they heard you, they understood you, and they can empathize with what you're going through.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, again, that active listening is super important.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: And what I've heard very similarly from young adult men is like they just want to be acknowledged and seen.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so, how do you do that is just creating space for someone to be themselves and to just listen, to just be there, to be someone that they can lean on.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_01: So it's very simple, actually, I think for the most part.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost too simple because we're always looking for the like the the most intelligent way of handling something, and yet it's so simple, and yet so oftentimes infrequently used.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly, you have a close relationship with your parents.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: But again, for the listener, what builds that type of relationship between a parent and an adult child?
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: How can you help them to get that process going again if they're feeling this disconnect?
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because we've talked so much on like empathy, respect, listening, I'll I'll take a different approach to answering this, even though all of that applies.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think that there are nuances to every relationship.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, I would say to parents, like, you know your children best, you know yourself best.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: But at the same time, if you're looking to change the relationship, change or help your child through something, I think it's about like thinking about what would I want if I was in their position?
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: What would I need from a parent?
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_01: What did I, what did my younger self want from my parents?
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: What did I need that I didn't get?
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then you can also ask.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think that communication is the breath the best bridge to connection.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what do you need from me?
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_01: What would be helpful?
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_01: What would make you feel supported, loved, understood?
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like give your um child, your young adult the space to express that as well, because that gives them a sense of independence or autonomy and a voice.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great answer, but I can tell you from a as a parent, that's very scary.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because you you don't know when you say, What can I do?
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have another episode on that where you are vulnerable with your young adult and you say, you know, what what do you like that I do?
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: What that what do you like that I don't do?
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or what don't you like that I do?
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to almost say, How can I be a better parent for you?
• 37:22
  unknown: Yeah.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_00: So because you you're a different parent with each of your children.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: You were raised differently.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: We were all raised differently than we're raising our children today.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: So that is a great uh approach to just say, What do you need from me?
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: How can I support you?
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for that.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it is it is scary, 100%.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think that they're you can build a much stronger relationship when there is that open communication and feedback on both ends, right?
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think that parents are afraid.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's what drives a lot of the issues today is that parents are afraid to open those lines of communication.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're afraid of what's going to come out of their mouth, they're afraid if they're going to rattle their young adult because you know mental health is such a big issue today that parents live in fear and they live in guilt.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what you're saying is almost giving them permission to have those conversations.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for that.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: How important it is for a young adult to feel that they can trust their parents to feel safe enough to open up and not be judged for what they share, but also for who they are?
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's very important, of course.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: I think like looking at it from the other perspective, distrust, judgment, or a lack of safety in any relationship is going to push someone away.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_01: So if you can foster and build that trust with your child, adult child, young adult, it's gonna last you forever.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's going to again form that foundation that you need to create that trust and bring you two closer.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you mentioned you said lack of judgment or not to be judgy.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: You've said something about judgment.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's again hard for parents to not be judgmental because the world is we're always comparing.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a world now where, as you know, social media.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I but I I agree with you that holding back from judging is so important for young adults so that they can be free to express themselves.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I like that you mention that.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: You have a strong sense of yourself.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: How are you developing that?
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do to work on your self-awareness?
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: And we've talked about a lot of things.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I thank you for not for trying not to be too repetitive, but you know, that self-awareness is key.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: Help us to understand how to develop self-awareness.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think it comes from modeling, like seeing your parents or the people around you in your life model that sense of self and stability and sense of identity and security.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I've seen that growing up my whole life, especially in my mom, as like from like a woman-to-a-woman perspective, I think having that female role model and seeing her hold herself so strong, even though I know that we all have our insecurities and she's no different, she has always carried herself in a way that shows like she feels strong, no matter how she might be thinking about herself at times.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_01: Since I think I was little, I've been very big about advocating for my needs and like what feels important to me.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_01: So, like telling my mom at a young age, like you need to say, you know, um, when I say thank you, you need to say you're welcome.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's just appropriate to the situation.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: Or like setting boundaries, like, you know, saying, like, this is how I'm feeling, and I need you to respect that, or this is what I need from you.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I think like learning to have my own voice in a world that can be very loud or can like bulldoze right over you is really important.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because then what happens is you start to honor your needs, and that gives you a strong sense of like, okay, like I have a place in the world, I feel secure in the world, like people are listening and respecting me.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're finding that people are not, then maybe those relationships need to be kind of looked at a bit more, of course.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_01: But I think also making decisions and choices that align with your values builds self-trust.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that's really essential as well to building a strong sense of self.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly, you have developed a lot of really important life skills.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm seeing this resilience and the way you handle change in your life.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: Were they taught to you?
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you mentioned modeling, or did you have to learn them on your own?
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of life skills were modeled to me initially.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, both my parents have shown me the power of hard work, resilience, caring for others, respecting others, being kind, being flexible and adaptable.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_01: I think at the same time, like I've also learned certain things on my own or in my own way.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so that might be like regulating my emotions because we're all going to experience things differently.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what do I need?
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_01: It might be different from what my parents needed or how they managed or coped, um, especially given like the generational differences there.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I think that would probably be the biggest difference, but mostly through watching.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_00: When you're dealing with fear or anxiety, you said you went through a stage in your life where you felt anxious.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone does.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's not anxiety, it is actually quite normal.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in a world where anxiety wasn't even barely used.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: The word was are you a worrier or not a worrier?
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: But now it seems to be anxiety is quite common.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: Fair enough, the economy and what's going on out there.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: But how do you manage it?
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: How do you manage that level of anxiety?
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: For again, parents are struggling with their young adults who are like, it it their anxiety is debilitating.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I think anxiety can be managed even without medication.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: We have you ever had a panic attack?
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, how did you get through that?
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think again, it's like nobody I think outwardly teaches us how to deal with anxiety, like there's no crash course on it.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so these things that are going to be a part of our lives, because anxiety is a survival mechanism, right?
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's your body or your brain telling you like there's something that we're anticipating that is not sitting with us well.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: And you want to protect yourself, you want to like stand for danger, right?
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I think there's that like it's there for a reason.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_01: What is it trying to tell us?
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_01: And tuning into that, you know, what am I trying to protect myself from?
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_01: What do I need right now to feel a bit more certain to reduce the fear?
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_01: So, whether that's gonna be again, like.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: Using certain breathing techniques, using certain mindfulness techniques, using somatic techniques, which is tuning into your body, like muscle relaxation, meditation, yoga, exercise.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_01: There's like a physical aspect of calming anxiety, but also the mental.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: So then what are we doing for our mental health here?
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_01: Are we speaking to a therapist?
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: Are we journaling?
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_01: Are we talking out loud to ourselves?
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's even effective.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's about like reflecting and being aware and kind of getting in tune with like what's going on here, you know.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I love that you said that you've you've normalized anxiety.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_00: You've almost said it's absolutely not just normal to experience it, but it's it's almost a safe, like you said, a safety mechanism.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's listening to our body and saying, well, if I'm feeling this way, something is going on, and not and to and to kind of address it.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I I love the fact that you've taken anxiety into like it's healthy to feel anxious about things.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_01: I think all emotions are messengers.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there are no good and bad feelings.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_01: Everything is a way that our bodies or our minds are trying to communicate with us.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_01: So tuning into that is important.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_00: You have an incredible sense like of inner strength.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_00: I really the way you seem to handle things, it's like I want to say, where do you do you realize how how how much inner fortitude you have?
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: Do you realize how how mature you are for your age?
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um like compared to your friends or the people that you're it's a tough question, but I just I'm really asking you to be self-reflective.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we won't even keep this in the interview because it's just a tough question.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, I just want to know where that strength comes from.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_01: It is a tough question, um, because I think I know all of my inner thoughts and my outer thoughts, right?
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like I know everything that I'm keeping in and everything that I'm sharing.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so having that, I think that there is no perfect person and that inner strength is something that you choose and cultivate or foster every single day.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's not something where you just do it once and that's it.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, of course, growing up, seeing that, but also like choosing to let that guide me every day.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_01: And some days it's easier than others.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_01: I think my life experiences at such a young age have allowed me to mature, maybe in a different way than some of my friends.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_01: But I think that I've also seen a lot of maturity in the people around me because challenges in life, traumas, obstacles, these build character and they build that inner strength.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so I feel like sometimes the more that someone has been through, if they can transform that into healing and strength and growth, you'll see that maturity or that resilience.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's part of it.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have a role model?
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_01: I do, yes.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think like my biggest role model is my mom.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I want to speak from my perspective, but also like some of my clients' perspectives, because they are young adults as well.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_01: What I've noticed is that not having a role model can be a very lonely feeling in the world.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_01: And we're not all lucky enough to have a role model growing up, but when we can find the people that we want to be similar to, or you know, pick and choose the things that we love and kind of leave the things we don't love.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think that ends up being very powerful in terms of guiding us towards a sense of self, a sense of identity.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it gives you a sense of like I belong in this world.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_01: When we don't have a role model growing up, you kind of have this feeling of like, well, where do I belong?
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and that's that's a really hard feeling to reconcile.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, on a personal level, like I've had my mom growing up as my role model, and I think that's been incredible for me as like a young woman, seeing such a strong woman, she would do everything.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, she would she would go to work like insane hours, even on the weekends.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_01: She was coming home, she was cooking, she was cleaning, she was grocery shopping, she was taking me and my brother to all our appointments, she was showing up for everything, all the recitals and rehearsals and practices.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_01: And she might have been 10 minutes late, but she was there.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just kidding.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_01: But I think that that is just like something I've always looked up to in terms of how I want to show up for people in my life and the person I want to be.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_00: How much do you value your friendships and your relationships?
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_00: What do they add to your life?
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, again, going back to what I'm trying to help parents with is how important it is to be social.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a lot of online gambling, and young adults feel like they have their friendships, but they're not, they're virtual.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I want, if you can help us out here and just tell us what real life friendships and relationships mean to you and what have they done for you.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_01: For me, it's become especially important, like over the last, I think, two, three, four years to really cultivate and like strengthen my family relationships, my friendships, my romantic relationship with my partner.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I think like those have become a priority for me.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that especially when you have such little time, you really have to make an effort to prioritize those relationships with everyone's busy schedules.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_01: So in terms of like the importance of connection and friendship and relationships, I want to talk about like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which I believe you've talked about before.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so it is a fundamental need for us to have a sense of love and belonging and connection in the world.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I think remembering that is really important.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like relationships buffer against stress, against anxiety, against depression.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_01: Loneliness is one of the biggest predictors of like poor mental health and poor health in general.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I'm sure you know this social connection actually releases oxytocin.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so it also lowers cortisol, it strengthens the immune system.
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not just good for us mentally, it's actually internally, it's releasing all types of good feelings and hormones and helping us just feel better.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_01: So very important.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, oxytocin, for anyone who doesn't know, it's the drug that's released when you have a baby.
• 50:51
  SPEAKER_00: But it can only be released through it not only, but generally it's released through physical touch.
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of these, you know, online gamers, let's say, they're they're not getting their oxytocin.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_00: They might be getting their dopamine and lots of it, which is why they keep doing it, but they're not getting that oxytocin.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_00: So again, when I was speaking to uh a guest the other day, she was saying that her there she deals with gamers.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_00: Her name is Elaine Muskowski, and she's a video gaming coach, and she says that these gamers are they don't need uh, they think they don't need uh intimacy, and it's because their oxytocin levels are so low, whereas the dopamine is so high that they almost don't even know what it's like anymore to have that intimacy.
• 51:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I again to your point, thank you.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I'm a big advocate of in real life relationships.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: So clearly you are supporting the fact that parents should be encouraging their young adults to get out of their room and to socialize.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um if you don't mind, I mean, I I talk about this, but from your perspective, what would a young adult do if their parents turned to them and said, I need you to get out of your room.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_00: I need you to go and start meeting people.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it's one thing to say they're not in school anymore.
• 52:11
  SPEAKER_00: So any suggestions you would have, if you had a client with you right now and they were like in their room and you knew that they needed to get out and start finding like-minded people, finding their tribe, what would you suggest to them?
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think we would start to explore what they have already.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, do you have friends already that you have established relationships with that you can go spend time with?
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what do you enjoy doing?
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_01: Can you join a club?
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_01: Can you join a group?
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_01: Can you go to the gym?
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like even just integrating into certain social settings is helpful.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_01: I know that there are apps now like Bumble for Finding Friends, or there's like apps where you can actually join dinner with strangers and like you attend like these social groups where everyone's a stranger, you go for dinner, you meet people, you chat.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you can join, you know, your community church or synagogue or any kind of temple of prayer.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_01: I think like finding, first off, identifying like where am I going to find a source of community, and then going out to explore those different areas and not being afraid.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I think there's a lot of fear that comes with like social rejection, social anxiety, you know, will I be accepted?
• 53:22
  SPEAKER_01: What will I say?
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_01: Practice, rehearse, um, and be okay with putting yourself out there.
• 53:30
  SPEAKER_01: But if you don't have like a solid group of friends in real life, I think that there are definitely ways to kind of see what else is out there.
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's great suggestions.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think do you think parents should let their kids, their young adults, make mistakes?
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna preface this by saying that I'm putting myself out there.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_00: I am not a let them theory person.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I am when it comes to people I don't really care about, and if they're bothering me or affecting me in any way, I I let them go.
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't believe in the let them theory when it comes to our children.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_00: So that's I just want to put it out there.
• 54:13
  SPEAKER_00: But from your perspective, do you think that parents should let their adult children make mistakes?
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess it's gonna depend on the mistake, but I'll let you answer that question.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, like we always want to be mindful of like, is there real danger?
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_01: Are they putting themselves in harm's way?
• 54:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a threat?
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_01: That, you know, we don't want to let them do that.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_01: If though those are accounted for and they are just things that are gonna happen in life, I think that, yeah, you should let your children build mistakes.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason why is because that is how we learn naturally to problem solve, to adapt, to be resilient, but also to build self-efficacy, which I think we'll kind of dive deeper in, hopefully, um, later.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_01: But these are like really essential aspects of like, yes, it's okay to make mistakes, and that's part of being human.
• 55:07
  SPEAKER_00: Have you seen your mother let you, or you said your brother, make mistakes that were not harmful in any way?
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_00: Have you seen her do that?
• 55:17
  SPEAKER_00: Or your father?
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_00: Have you seen your father do that?
• 55:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, definitely.
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something that parents do that makes their young adult shut down emotionally?
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_01: When I think of these questions, I often think of like just relationships in general.
• 55:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think it applies like a blanket.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know, anytime that we are gonna judge someone, criticize someone, pressure them, try to control them, this is gonna cause someone to shut down, to pull away, to it's just going to weaken the relationship.
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that what applies to your young adult in that relationship is going to apply to probably most relationships.
• 56:05
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_00: Very good advice.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_00: Just think about what how you would treat your friend.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_00: Is there any way that a parent can be supportive without being overbearing or controlling?
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think you'll probably quickly learn from your young adults' reactions to things or the way they respond what's too much for them.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so paying attention to some of those signs initially is going to help you.
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_01: But more than that, like again, it's it all comes down to the same basic principles of like, just listen, validate, don't try to tell them what to do.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_01: Trust their judgment and guide them.
• 56:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, let them make the mistakes, let them know that you're there for them.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_01: If they want that support, that guidance, if they need someone to come back to to figure out what to do or to help them through something.
• 56:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it's hard to guess what someone needs from us or how they might perceive something.
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_01: So again, communicate or just pay attention.
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_00: And mutual respect.
• 57:04
  SPEAKER_00: You've touched on it before, but that's and in your in your opinion, how important is that between and you you touched on boundaries.
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I love that you did that because that's a big issue.
• 57:15
  SPEAKER_00: And boundaries are are non-negotiables, and parents have boundaries and young adults have boundaries.
• 57:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when you respect their boundaries, that is very important.
• 57:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, do you have anything to add to that whole level of knowing that your parents respect you?
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I do want to add in to my last comment that if you're not sure what your child needs, like you find yourself guessing a lot or in any relationship, it's okay to just ask, do you need me to just listen or do you want me to help guide you through this?
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's totally fine to just point blank ask the question.
• 57:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, to your question on respect, it is essential.
• 57:54
  SPEAKER_01: Respect has to be on both ends of any relationship, and it's no different in the relationship between you and your adult child.
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_01: There are no like get out of jail free cards here with respect.
• 58:05
  SPEAKER_01: That is part of the foundation.
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_01: So, what does respect feel like, or what does it look like?
• 58:11
  SPEAKER_01: It looks like safety, accepting and adhering to boundaries, kindness and consideration, and support without control, again, on both sides.
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_00: I think we kind of answered this, and I I don't want to be too repetitive, but you know, again, a lot of parents do not let their young adults or adult children handle responsibilities.
• 58:32
  SPEAKER_00: They keep doing everything for them.
• 58:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a, you know, again, keep saying they can handle these responsibilities.
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_00: They can cook and clean and pay their bills and make their appointments, they can do these things and they have to.
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you must obviously be an advocate of letting of having parents allow their children to take responsibilities for their lives and to to to in fact add more responsibilities to their life in preparation, it seems.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 59:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_01: I think um my message would be like your kids are more capable than you think.
• 59:08
  SPEAKER_01: Your young adults, your adult children, they can do all the things that you know any normal person could do or any other person can do.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_01: Just allow them the space to try, to fail, to learn, to grow.
• 59:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like I can't think of, I can uh count how many times I was making mac and cheese when I was like 13 years old and I'm completely screwed it up.
• 59:29
  SPEAKER_01: But could my mom buying mac and cheese and keep letting me make it?
• 59:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was wasting money and food, but I still did it, you know.
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_01: But like eventually figure it out.
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I think having responsibilities teaches competence, confidence, and problem solving.
• 59:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it may even give your young adult a sense of like purpose and contribution at home.
• 59:52
  SPEAKER_00: You said the word normal, and I just want to clarify for the listener, because you are in therapy, cyclotherapy, and you understand this.
• 1:00:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel that young adults who are on the spectrum, neurodiverse young adults, do you feel that they have the same capacity for responsibility?
• 1:00:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a very nuanced question and is very specific to each individual.
• 1:00:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so, like that would be a conversation to have with whatever supports that you've kind of established with your either your doctor, your health team, your social worker, even with your child alone, like kind of noticing what they can and can't do, what they might need more support with.
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's a very personal uh question and requires a lot more, I think, nuanced detail.
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, fair enough.
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of parents really struggle with motivation.
• 1:00:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's from from my understanding, it's the biggest issues that parents have.
• 1:00:52
  SPEAKER_00: They cannot motivate their young adult.
• 1:00:54
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know whether they should push, whether they should step back.
• 1:00:58
  SPEAKER_00: They even know how to help with this motivation.
• 1:01:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, from your point of view, what, if anything, can a parent do when it comes to motivation?
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so first and foremost, we can't force people to change.
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_01: The person has to want to change themselves.
• 1:01:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so all we can really do is encourage and support them.
• 1:01:19
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so letting your young adult know, like if they need support or guidance, you're there for them.
• 1:01:25
  SPEAKER_01: But if they are ready for something different, for a change, for to at least try.
• 1:01:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think start with small manageable goals like going for a walk, cleaning your room, making a meal, spending time doing something they enjoy.
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_01: This is called behavioral activation.
• 1:01:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so we start with small things that activate a sense of joy or care or purpose and let that build over time.
• 1:01:49
  SPEAKER_01: Motivation, it's a state.
• 1:01:51
  SPEAKER_01: We're never gonna feel ready to do something.
• 1:01:53
  SPEAKER_01: Action always precedes motivation.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_01: So action comes first.
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so we can't wait to feel motivated to do something.
• 1:02:01
  SPEAKER_01: We need to just start.
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_00: Got it.
• 1:02:05
  SPEAKER_00: Love that.
• 1:02:06
  SPEAKER_00: Feel very strongly about that.
• 1:02:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it's actually when parents have issues with I can't get my kid, it's because and you can't get them to feel like doing something.
• 1:02:17
  SPEAKER_00: They just have to take, like you said, small baby steps, which eventually create momentum, which eventually create that feeling that this I like what I just did, this feels good, and therefore the motivation comes.
• 1:02:31
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, we're on the same page.
• 1:02:34
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:02:35
  unknown: Okay.
• 1:02:35
  SPEAKER_01: And just to add on, what you want is determination.
• 1:02:39
  SPEAKER_01: Determination is I'm going to do this regardless of how I'm feeling or what gets in the way.
• 1:02:44
  SPEAKER_01: We can't rely on motivation solely.
• 1:02:47
  SPEAKER_00: Got it.
• 1:02:47
  SPEAKER_00: Very good.
• 1:02:48
  SPEAKER_00: When a young adult feels lost, has no real direction, just kind of drifting along, what do you think a parent can do to help them?
• 1:03:00
  SPEAKER_01: I think in these moments or in these periods, it's easy to slip into the sense of like hopelessness and like defeat.
• 1:03:08
  SPEAKER_01: But when we see this even in therapy, when you're trying to help someone, it's really helpful to take a strengths-based approach.
• 1:03:15
  SPEAKER_01: So, what are their strengths?
• 1:03:17
  SPEAKER_01: What are their passions?
• 1:03:18
  SPEAKER_01: What are their hobbies?
• 1:03:19
  SPEAKER_01: What resources are available?
• 1:03:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I think understanding how those can transform into goals or a sense of direction is really helpful because we all have strengths and strengths and resources like available to us within us.
• 1:03:33
  SPEAKER_01: So using that as a guide is very helpful.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:03:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's a great answer.
• 1:03:40
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that when a young adult has been secluded for so long, isolated, and feeling really bad about themselves, they forget who they are.
• 1:03:50
  SPEAKER_00: They forget those that they actually, we all have our in our strengths and our likes and dislikes.
• 1:03:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that you're asking, you're saying to the parents, rediscover, help them to rediscover what those are.
• 1:04:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think they forget in those years of being alone or feeling bad for themselves.
• 1:04:08
  SPEAKER_00: They they don't, their self-confidence is in the shitter and they forget that they have hobbies and interests.
• 1:04:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I think, as you said, it's up, you know, I think the parent, it's up to them to almost kind of like help them to excavate those likes and things that interest them.
• 1:04:27
  SPEAKER_00: So that's yeah.
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_01: I I think life is an experiment.
• 1:04:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like we never really know what's gonna work or what we may like.
• 1:04:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, even as we change through different like transitions of life, we may dislike everything we used to enjoy.
• 1:04:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it's like about experimenting, trying new things, getting out there, like you said, and just seeing what feels good and what aligns and what just isn't it.
• 1:04:51
  SPEAKER_01: But I know, like you've talked about aptitude tests and like exploring skill sets, trying different things.
• 1:04:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's very important in those phases.
• 1:05:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:05:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's lots of it online.
• 1:05:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or you can turn to a therapist and say, I need a personality assessment.
• 1:05:07
  SPEAKER_00: I've I forget who I am or I don't remember what I like.
• 1:05:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you're right.
• 1:05:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great, that's a great suggestion is to if you especially if you can't have that conversation with them, you know, and your kid is shut down and you're uncomfortable, then make it them a book them an appointment with a a coach that can do that assessment and discover what their what their passions are again.
• 1:05:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or or what might be something that they never even knew they they enjoyed.
• 1:05:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we as parents wait till later in life to figure out, oh, you know, I really do like drawing or something, or I do love playing this instrument.
• 1:05:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, but that's be that's because we had to put our needs aside for a while.
• 1:05:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that that's a great suggestion for parents is to bring that back again to discover who their kids are, and if they can't do it, to get them assessed.
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_00: From your own experience and maybe even from what you observed with your friends or even the people, the young people that come to you.
• 1:06:08
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think young adults need most from their parents?
• 1:06:12
  SPEAKER_00: And we've probably answered this 10 different ways, but what would make the biggest difference right now for a parent to say, okay, I'm ready?
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want, I want to have that connection.
• 1:06:24
  SPEAKER_00: I want to start building our relationship.
• 1:06:26
  SPEAKER_00: Not even just helping my kid.
• 1:06:28
  SPEAKER_00: I want to build a better relationship with them.
• 1:06:31
  SPEAKER_00: What would be that angle, that approach that a parent can take to, you know, to say, well, what is what does my kid need from me?
• 1:06:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're a young adult.
• 1:06:44
  SPEAKER_00: You have different, clearly, you have different needs from your parents.
• 1:06:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'll make it personal.
• 1:06:49
  SPEAKER_00: You have different needs from your parents now than you did years ago when you were younger.
• 1:06:55
  SPEAKER_00: So if for a parent says, I need to know what can what can I do?
• 1:06:58
  SPEAKER_00: How can I make that connection?
• 1:07:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a secret sauce?
• 1:07:03
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a way back to them?
• 1:07:07
  SPEAKER_01: I think generally speaking, it's not a one-way conversation.
• 1:07:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's not something just a parent can decide for themselves.
• 1:07:15
  SPEAKER_01: I think it would take a conversation with your adult child, your young adult, of like, I really want to work on our relationship.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm willing to put in the time, the energy, the effort, and I hope you're willing to like join me on that.
• 1:07:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because again, like any relationship, it takes two, right?
• 1:07:34
  SPEAKER_01: So rebuilding is not just a one-man job, one-woman job.
• 1:07:38
  SPEAKER_01: It takes a village sometimes.
• 1:07:40
  SPEAKER_01: So communicating, like, what do we need to rebuild our relationship?
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_01: What do you need from me?
• 1:07:45
  SPEAKER_01: What do you feel like I can give you?
• 1:07:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I think having that open communication is what is going to propel the relationship into a better state.
• 1:07:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're getting close to the end, and I know I've bombarded you with a ton of personal questions, but I I also want parents to do the work on themselves.
• 1:08:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that if you're in order to be the best parent that you can be, that you have to look at yourself, maybe your own traumas, what you, how you were raised.
• 1:08:19
  SPEAKER_00: How important do you think that is for a parent to maybe not even before they start this communication?
• 1:08:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're coming into this relationship with a lot of baggage and a lot of wounds.
• 1:08:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so what how would you feel?
• 1:08:34
  SPEAKER_00: What can you say to a parent who's who's got, you know, I've I've done an episode in this mother wounds or an inner child that's hurting from a past relationship or a child from their past childhood, what can you say to a parent who's struggling with their own stuff?
• 1:08:53
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to go through it alone.
• 1:08:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you feel like you truly want to work through those wounds, understand them, have that awareness and heal from them, that you can lean on supports.
• 1:09:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so whether that's, again, seeking out a therapist, talking to a friend or trusted family member, a loved one about it, whether it's doing that work internally, like journaling and reflecting and wanting to make those improvements, I think that it's never too late.
• 1:09:24
  SPEAKER_01: And like the fact that you want to work through those wounds says a lot about the fact that you are ready to maybe address some of them.
• 1:09:32
  SPEAKER_00: When you look back at the last five years of your life or looking at yourself from five years ago till now, what are you most proud of?
• 1:09:46
  SPEAKER_01: I am most proud of, I think, the growth that I've made internally.
• 1:09:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think I may have touched on it a bit, but I'll kind of reiterate that.
• 1:10:01
  SPEAKER_01: So five years ago, I felt very isolated and I was very focused on myself.
• 1:10:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that I was just very unhappy.
• 1:10:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so I found a lot of fulfillment and meaning in reconnecting with not just myself and like who I want to be, but also reconnecting with my family, with my friends, forming a deep relationship with my partner.
• 1:10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think these have all allowed me to feel a lot more love and connection and belonging in my world.
• 1:10:32
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, more than anything.
• 1:10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Also being able to support people in my work is very healing and it's honestly a privilege.
• 1:10:41
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 1:10:43
  SPEAKER_00: I always like to leave on a positive note.
• 1:10:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's sort of a thing I do in this podcast of mine.
• 1:10:49
  SPEAKER_00: One piece of advice that you can leave the listener, the parent who wants that close relationship.
• 1:10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you've said so many wonderful things.
• 1:10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, you really have.
• 1:11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm truly grateful that you have shared so much of yourself and your perspective.
• 1:11:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's going to be really helpful to parents.
• 1:11:09
  SPEAKER_00: But one piece of advice.
• 1:11:14
  SPEAKER_01: My advice is that you're already halfway there.
• 1:11:20
  SPEAKER_01: The awareness and desire that you have to have that close relationship is going to fuel your determination to get there and strengthen your relationship.
• 1:11:30
  SPEAKER_01: So it takes time and effort on both sides, but don't give up.
• 1:11:36
  SPEAKER_01: From the perspective of a young adult, I believe one of the greatest gifts in life is the relationships that we have with our parents and loved ones.
• 1:11:44
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, honestly, you should be very proud of yourself.
• 1:11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, uh, and I have no doubt, no doubt in my mind, I'm even a hundred percent sure that your parents are must be like feeling very blessed to have you and very, very proud of you.
• 1:12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for having me here, mom.
• 1:12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Andy.
• 1:12:15
  SPEAKER_00: I love how vulnerable you were and how much you shared.
• 1:12:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope the listener, I think they're gonna go back on this conversation and go, wait a minute, let me listen to this all over again.
• 1:12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the mother.
• 1:12:27
  SPEAKER_00: But it has been and continues to be an honor to be your mother and your friend.
• 1:12:35
  SPEAKER_00: You are mine, my best little friend in the whole world.
• 1:12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we always say that children, we always say to each other that I chose, you chose me, which I'm so grateful for, and you're equally as grateful that I'm your mother, but I'm I feel like I'm the lucky one.
• 1:12:55
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you, Andy, for being my daughter.
• 1:12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here.
• 1:13:02
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 1:13:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's my honor, and I'm getting emotional.
• 1:13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this is amazing.
• 1:13:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so glad we did this.
• 1:13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Me too.
• 1:13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Me too.
• 1:13:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'll call you in a bit.
• 1:13:15
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:13:21
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 1:13:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 1:13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 1:13:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 1:13:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 1:13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 1:14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 1:14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.