Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Pain Shopping: Why You Can't Stop Checking the Narcissist’s Social Media

Transcript

Pain Shopping: Why You Can't Stop Checking the Narcissist’s Social Media · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:01
  So you told yourself you were done.
• 0:04
  You promised your family and friends that you're not going to
• 0:07
  reach out to them again like you promised them.
• 0:10
  You said that you told them the words.
• 0:12
  But guess what? Here you are, 2:30 in the
• 0:15
  morning, looking at their social media from a burner account,
• 0:19
  peeking at their Instagram from a burner account.
• 0:21
  You're not healing, you're pain shopping and as a diagnosed
• 0:26
  narcissist, I'm going to give you the straight truth right
• 0:28
  here. Y'all.
• 0:29
  One of the most dangerous things that you can do as a survivor or
• 0:32
  a thriver that's trying to heal from a narcissist.
• 0:34
  One of the worst things you can do in the healing process is to
• 0:37
  keep looking at their social media.
• 0:40
  It brings you no peace. Like you think you might think
• 0:43
  that you're gathering evidence, but what you're actually doing
• 0:46
  is re traumatizing yourself. You're making you're doing this
• 0:49
  to yourself again, you're hurting yourself.
• 0:51
  You're going paint shopping, looking for something that's
• 0:54
  going to hurt you. We breaking it down today,
• 0:57
  y'all, We break it down while your brain is addicted to the
• 1:01
  hurt and while how we use how us as narcissists use our social
• 1:05
  media to keep you trapped in this pain shopping mode to keep
• 1:09
  you coming back to the pain store to pain Walmart, right and
• 1:15
  what's going on beautiful people.
• 1:16
  If you don't know me, I'm Lee Hammock.
• 1:17
  I'm a diagnosed narcissist here to help you understand the mind
• 1:20
  of a narcissist. And welcome to another episode
• 1:23
  of the Narcissist Code. Y'all Seriously man, let's pop
• 1:25
  right into it, man. Pain shopping, looking at their
• 1:30
  stuff, looking at the social media for what?
• 1:33
  Why? Ask yourself the question right
• 1:36
  here, y'all. Why did you do it?
• 1:37
  I thought you type it in the comment section right now.
• 1:39
  Why are you pain shopping? Why are you peeking at their
• 1:42
  social media? Go you back.
• 1:47
  OK, cool, cool, cool. Most people are doing it because
• 1:50
  the relationship ended without closure, right?
• 1:54
  It didn't end how you thought it would end.
• 1:56
  Like you have hoes in the story, your story, their story, and you
• 2:00
  think that their Facebook, their Instagram, their TikTok, their
• 2:03
  Snapchat, their Reddit, their LinkedIn, their Zoosk, their
• 2:08
  whatever social media. You think that social media will
• 2:10
  provide you some answers, that it will help you find the find
• 2:14
  the final missing puzzle piece, but that's not how it goes
• 2:18
  y'all. Typically when people are going
• 2:22
  paint shopping, they're looking for one or two things.
• 2:25
  The first thing they're looking for is proof that the person
• 2:28
  that left you or hurt you is miserable.
• 2:34
  And and by by by, by looking for that, what you're really looking
• 2:38
  for is the fact that you matter. Everybody wants to matter.
• 2:41
  Let's get that out the way right now.
• 2:43
  Everybody wants to matter. Everybody wants to know that
• 2:47
  they mattered, right? You don't want this person to
• 2:50
  get away and just move on and just forget about you like you
• 2:53
  were nothing. You want to mean something to
• 2:55
  someone and that's OK. You're a human being.
• 2:58
  Why wouldn't you want to mean something to someone?
• 3:01
  Why wouldn't you want to do that?
• 3:03
  You're a human. You of course you want to mean
• 3:06
  something to someone. Why wouldn't you?
• 3:08
  You see what I'm saying? That's understandable.
• 3:10
  The second thing that people are typically typically looking for
• 3:14
  on their social media when they're going paint shopping is
• 3:17
  you looking for proof that they are happy.
• 3:20
  Like to validate your fear that you were the problem.
• 3:24
  That's crazy, ain't it? You looking for proof that they
• 3:26
  were happy to validate your own fear that you were their
• 3:29
  problem. Their happiness does not mean
• 3:32
  that you were the problem. They bought like, yeah, it's it
• 3:36
  really is. Their happiness does not mean
• 3:39
  that you're the problem. I want you to say that to
• 3:41
  yourself right now or type it in the comment section.
• 3:43
  Drop it. Drop an emoji in the comment
• 3:45
  section. The little praying hands that
• 3:47
  you would type the word Amen, AM EN and the praying hands will
• 3:51
  come up. Drop it in the conversation
• 3:52
  right now. Drop it in the conversation
• 3:54
  because their happiness is not does not mean that you are the
• 3:57
  problem. Yeah, you got to think about it
• 4:01
  all. If it were me.
• 4:03
  In this situation, as as most narcissists do, we live our
• 4:07
  lives on social media like our exes are watching we do.
• 4:13
  So if you find out that if you looking like no matter what were
• 4:18
  you looking at their social media, you lose.
• 4:21
  If they look sad, you end up wanting to rescue them.
• 4:25
  If they're unhappy, you want to help them heal.
• 4:27
  You want to make them feel better because you care.
• 4:29
  You haven't stopped carrying you an empath, right?
• 4:31
  You're highly empathetic person. You care you you love them.
• 4:34
  You might not look, your feelings are have not been
• 4:37
  turned off, right? Your feelings have not been
• 4:39
  turned off. There's not a little light
• 4:40
  switch you can turn your feelings off with, right?
• 4:43
  You gotta think about like that. If they're sad, you want to
• 4:45
  rescue them. If they're happy, you feel
• 4:48
  worthless, that's wow. You're shopping for a feeling,
• 4:51
  but you're buy what you're buying is more time in the
• 4:55
  trauma bond buyer buyer. That's true.
• 5:04
  That's real. Well, tell me that ain't real
• 5:06
  though. You're shopping.
• 5:07
  Look, you're buying if you're going shopping for y'all.
• 5:10
  I tell you this all the time. Y'all real.
• 5:12
  Realistically, it's all lies. Social media, the narcissistic
• 5:19
  type of the toxic stuff that's going on, it's all lies.
• 5:23
  It's curated, y'all. I live my life like you're
• 5:26
  watching. Even if you're not, even if you
• 5:29
  look. This is what I'm telling myself
• 5:30
  in the head, in my head, in my, in the mind of a narcissist.
• 5:33
  I'm telling myself that I was the best you're ever going to
• 5:35
  get. I'm telling myself that you're
• 5:38
  watching my social media. So guess what?
• 5:39
  I'm going to put on a show. I'm going to put on a happy show
• 5:44
  or sad show, depending on who you are.
• 5:46
  It's not always faking happiness.
• 5:48
  I could fake sadness, too, to get you to reach out.
• 5:51
  Oh, my goodness. I never thought this pain was.
• 5:53
  I never thought I'd feel a pain like this before.
• 5:55
  Guess what? Ring.
• 5:56
  Ring. It's you.
• 5:57
  I'm out here smiling. That's a crazy face with it.
• 6:04
  But that's what. Yeah, that really.
• 6:06
  It really is how the mind of a narcissistic person works right
• 6:10
  there. You have to think about it, take
• 6:12
  it in stride. Like the, the, the narcissist
• 6:17
  social media. I'm going to use a word there's,
• 6:19
  I'm going to use a word that's big in today's society,
• 6:21
  propaganda, because that's what the narcissist social media is.
• 6:25
  It's propaganda. It's narcissistic propaganda.
• 6:28
  If I post a photo with a New Girl or I post a photo with a
• 6:32
  new boy or whatever, I'm the narcissist, right?
• 6:34
  Within two weeks after we broke up.
• 6:36
  It's not because I'm in love. I think you're watching me.
• 6:41
  I'm using this new person to hurt you.
• 6:43
  So guess what? You did matter.
• 6:45
  It's crazy, but you did matter. You matter so much.
• 6:48
  I got to post my new love. Take that for what it is.
• 6:52
  Block them after that. Y'all know there's so many
• 6:56
  people this is this got a crazy. This used to be one of my main
• 7:00
  topics in my my support group, the mental healers, right?
• 7:04
  One of my main topics was literally paint shopping because
• 7:08
  we had some some people there who just like I look today and
• 7:11
  I'm hurt. I look today I'm hurt.
• 7:13
  I'm sad. I'm like, you got to stop
• 7:15
  looking. You have to find a reason this
• 7:18
  validates you outside this relationship to stop looking.
• 7:21
  You mattered right? You did, so that's what you're
• 7:24
  saying. Like they know how to trigger
• 7:26
  you. A narcissist knows what sets you
• 7:27
  off. They study you, right?
• 7:28
  They know everything about you. So it's not just pictures and
• 7:31
  videos. Sometimes they'll make sub
• 7:33
  tweets they'll use like subtle, they'll they'll kind of back.
• 7:37
  It's kind of like a backhanded thing to get you right.
• 7:40
  They'll drop subtle compliments or subtle videos or subtle posts
• 7:43
  or subtle memes, subtle song lyrics, and you know that
• 7:47
  they're targeted towards you, right?
• 7:49
  Stuff that only you would understand.
• 7:51
  It's like dog whistling, but on social media.
• 7:54
  It's like things that I know you're looking for.
• 7:56
  If I'm assuming that you're watching me, I'm thinking that
• 7:58
  you're going to see this. So I'm trying to set you off.
• 8:01
  I really AM. And guess what?
• 8:03
  That keeps you hooked. That keeps you in this zone
• 8:07
  right here, right? That keeps you in the zone
• 8:10
  because think about right here. Y'all how to say this sounded
• 8:15
  crazy in the in our actuality, you know, please, y'all, y'all
• 8:20
  know, y'all know I carry y'all know I love y'all not trying to
• 8:22
  hurt your feelings right here, but paint shopping could be
• 8:25
  considered a form of digital self harm, right?
• 8:28
  It really could be because checking that page, checking it,
• 8:32
  checking that TikTok, their Instagram, their Twitter,
• 8:35
  whatever it is, checking that page gives you a massive spike
• 8:38
  of adrenaline and cortisol, right?
• 8:40
  It spikes your adrenaline and cortisol 'cause it's stress.
• 8:44
  You feel something and you get stressed.
• 8:45
  Your brain has become addicted to the high stress rush of the
• 8:49
  narcissist. So looking over there gives you
• 8:52
  something. You get a hit of something, you
• 8:53
  get to feel something you wouldn't.
• 8:54
  Let's just say you I understand paint shopping y'all.
• 8:56
  Let's say I used to paint shop my my ex narcissistic woman
• 9:00
  broke over me. Guess what I used to paint shop
• 9:02
  like hell. I've been looking for something.
• 9:05
  I usually I, I was addicted to looking.
• 9:07
  It's kind of like I wanted to hurt myself sometimes, right?
• 9:09
  It's just like I want to feel something.
• 9:11
  I'm hurt, I'm lost. I don't feel anything.
• 9:13
  I'm in a I'm in a dark place. I need to feel something.
• 9:17
  So sometimes I will go look at her social media because I knew
• 9:20
  something was going to hurt me and that made me feel alive.
• 9:23
  Could that be what's going on with you right here?
• 9:25
  Could this be something that you're facing that you're
• 9:27
  fighting right now? Could you could you be feeling
• 9:29
  alive? You know what I'm saying?
• 9:31
  That's the mentality right there.
• 9:32
  Y'all that really is So paint shopping is a form of digital,
• 9:36
  digital self harm. And like even sometimes even if
• 9:40
  it hurts, it feels familiar. Like peace feels boring to you
• 9:44
  right now because your nervous system is out of whack.
• 9:46
  It's your nervous system is fried.
• 9:48
  So peace feels boring. Silence is boring.
• 9:51
  When you get silent, you're in a dark room by yourself at night.
• 9:55
  You start hearing voices. Facebook, who said that?
• 10:00
  Instagram. What?
• 10:03
  Snapchat. Who said that?
• 10:07
  OK, I'm going to sleep Tick tock.
• 10:09
  Oh my God, guess what? You pull, you pulling up, tick
• 10:15
  tock. You see how that works right
• 10:16
  there? But it really is a wild bicep.
• 10:19
  But that's what ends up happening right there, y'all.
• 10:21
  You keep opening the wound over and over because in A twist
• 10:24
  away, the pain is the only thing keeping you connected to that
• 10:26
  narcissist sometimes. So it's time to disconnect.
• 10:29
  It really is. You have to close.
• 10:31
  You have to stop going shopping. It's time to retire the pain
• 10:35
  shopping cart. It really is.
• 10:37
  You have to stop being a customer to the narcissistic
• 10:40
  paying store. Narcissistic Walmart,
• 10:43
  narcissistic Dollar General Dollar narcissist.
• 10:45
  What do you want to call it? Narcissist general?
• 10:47
  Oh, there it is. No, it sucks.
• 10:49
  It sucks right there, don't it? Every time, every time you click
• 10:55
  that profile, you do reset your healing journey, right?
• 10:58
  I know that a lot of people think that you're no contact
• 11:01
  because you haven't talked to them, you haven't seen them, you
• 11:03
  haven't spoke to them in person, but looking at their social
• 11:05
  media is breaking no contact. Y'all, you got to stop looking.
• 11:08
  It really is because you're kind of like technically I, one of
• 11:10
  the people used to be my group. She's healed and she left the
• 11:13
  group. That's cool, good for good for
• 11:14
  her, right? One of the people who left my
• 11:17
  group, she literally we used to accidentally accidentally like
• 11:21
  stuff and that would definitely break no contact because then
• 11:24
  her ex would reach out to her and it was just the whole
• 11:26
  process over. And y'all want to see more about
• 11:28
  my group, my mental illness, my mental illness support group.
• 11:31
  You can find more about that at mentalillness.net.
• 11:33
  Y'all Scroll down courses, coaching and stuff like that.
• 11:37
  Like seriously, you have to determine like before you reach
• 11:41
  out to that narcissistic partner, you know, sidebar
• 11:43
  y'all, you know, come on in here.
• 11:47
  Before you reach out to them or before you check their social
• 11:50
  media, you have to ask yourself, what am I looking for?
• 11:55
  What is it? What exactly am I looking at?
• 11:58
  What am I peeking at? Right?
• 11:59
  What, what, what, what's the goal here?
• 12:02
  Nothing you see on there is going to make you feel better.
• 12:05
  I promise you it won't. Like I said earlier, even if
• 12:09
  they're hurting, you might feel bad.
• 12:11
  Even if they're doing bad, you might feel sad.
• 12:13
  Even if they're going through it.
• 12:16
  People, my comments, people in my group, they used to say,
• 12:18
  well, I saw that profile picture and that profile picture looks
• 12:20
  sad. It makes me want to reach out.
• 12:22
  Just seeing their profile picture made them sad.
• 12:25
  You see what I'm saying? Going paint shopping, They
• 12:26
  didn't, they didn't even make to the profile.
• 12:28
  They said a profile picture in, in paint shops.
• 12:31
  You see what I'm saying? There's nothing on the social
• 12:34
  media that's going to make you feel good.
• 12:35
  You feel good from the inside out.
• 12:36
  You feel good by joining groups. You don't have to join my group,
• 12:39
  Join anybody's group. Lisa Sunny has a support group.
• 12:42
  Sinful has a support group, How to love a battered woman.
• 12:47
  Me and Renee has a support group.
• 12:49
  Everybody has support group. You don't have to join mine, I
• 12:50
  promise you. I want you to.
• 12:51
  I want you to heal, even if it's not with me.
• 12:54
  You know what I'm saying? I do.
• 12:55
  I truly, truly do. I want you to heal even if it's
• 12:58
  not with me. You can take one of my courses
• 13:00
  50% off Mental illness.net into the code.
• 13:03
  Mothers or Fathers get 50% off my courses and whatnot.
• 13:07
  Join the support group. Y'all Just ask yourself that
• 13:08
  question right there. What am I looking for?
• 13:10
  It can't be nothing. The answer cannot be nothing.
• 13:13
  You can't say nothing. I'm not looking for anything.
• 13:15
  But you are. You are.
• 13:17
  What are you getting from this? Nothing.
• 13:18
  You can't. You are or you wouldn't be
• 13:20
  looking. You know what I'm saying?
• 13:22
  Image, I've made it this far. Make sure you hit that subscribe
• 13:24
  button and I'm out please.