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When Rosie Met Jeff · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  listeners as we begin this episode i'd like to tell you we're on vacation we're recording the
• 0:22
  pod on vacation.
• 0:24
  Splash, splash, splash.
• 0:25
  Or ski noise, ski noise, ski noise.
• 0:28
  We're not telling you where we are,
• 0:30
  listeners. Or giraffe, giraffe,
• 0:32
  giraffe. Nick! Nick!
• 0:35
  Yeah, we're
• 0:36
  on location,
• 0:37
  which is pretty fun. So if you hear any
• 0:40
  other different sounding
• 0:42
  background noises, then
• 0:44
  you
• 0:45
  will know that it's a vacation
• 0:48
  background noise. And good for
• 0:50
  you for figuring that out. And in a way, you're on vacation too. Yeah, that's right. This is a
• 0:56
  vacation from your real life. So slip into your robes, put on your comfiest slippers, and shave
• 1:06
  off your hair like everyone does on vacation. Yeah. Well, welcome listeners to Very Fine Friends.
• 1:17
  Francis, how are you enjoying our mysterious vacation?
• 1:19
  I am so relaxed that I wouldn't be surprised if I passed away.
• 1:24
  Oh.
• 1:25
  Yeah.
• 1:26
  That's the optimal level of relaxation.
• 1:29
  It's teetering on death.
• 1:32
  I knew someone who was a massage therapist who knew, like her coworker, was massaging an old lady and massaged her to death.
• 1:40
  No.
• 1:40
  Yeah.
• 1:42
  Could she tell the moment when the lady died?
• 1:44
  No.
• 1:44
  she just was rubbing a dead body
• 1:46
  it was like time for her to get up she was dead
• 1:48
  and the family was mad but she was like
• 1:50
  how high could you be
• 1:51
  your parent died
• 1:53
  getting a massage
• 1:54
  super relaxed
• 1:55
  that's not the worst way to go
• 1:58
  that poor girl
• 2:00
  I know that would be traumatizing
• 2:02
  I'd be okay with it
• 2:05
  what if you think it would be traumatizing
• 2:07
  and then it happens and then you're like
• 2:09
  I'm fine with this
• 2:11
  in fact I need to do it again
• 2:12
  Yeah. Who else can I massage to death?
• 2:15
  That's a new method of execution.
• 2:18
  Yeah. I'm sentenced you to be massaged to death.
• 2:23
  Yeah, that would make me worried about myself.
• 2:28
  Oh, as the masseuse?
• 2:29
  Yeah, if I was rubbing a dead body for like the better part of an hour and I didn't know it.
• 2:32
  And then when I found out, I was just like, oh, well.
• 2:35
  I'm taking my break.
• 2:38
  No, I don't need a break.
• 2:40
  Next one, please.
• 2:41
  The older, the better.
• 2:42
  new business idea the older the better
• 2:46
  well no think dr kevorkian but with a table with a hole in the front of it yeah that's where the
• 2:56
  head goes oh i know yeah okay cool quick interruption every week on the podcast we do
• 3:04
  something where our producer joe gives francis and i each our own secret word throughout the
• 3:12
  course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without
• 3:18
  the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
• 3:24
  And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize, whoever has the most
• 3:32
  points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 3:38
  Jenna's secret word is
• 3:40
  artistry. Jenna's decoy
• 3:42
  word is domesticity.
• 3:45
  Francis' secret word
• 3:46
  is overestimate.
• 3:48
  Francis' decoy word is
• 3:50
  amendments. Back to the pod.
• 3:53
  Well, that's
• 3:54
  kind of a good segue.
• 3:56
  We just invented a new way to euthanize
• 3:58
  people. And it's a nice
• 4:00
  way. It is a nice way.
• 4:02
  We're giving back.
• 4:06
  To your back.
• 4:06
  Oh, giving back to our back.
• 4:10
  Back to back.
• 4:13
  Word or mitts.
• 4:17
  Save it for the next segment, which is the invention of the week.
• 4:24
  Inventions.
• 4:27
  Francis, I know you're on vacation, so I hate to make you work.
• 4:32
  But I want to know, do you have an invention?
• 4:36
  It's not work, Tubi.
• 4:37
  When you love what you do,
• 4:38
  every day is a hobby.
• 4:43
  And with you, it's like,
• 4:44
  it's, yeah.
• 4:45
  With you, it never looks like work.
• 4:47
  It's like clearly very,
• 4:48
  it's artistry through and through.
• 4:49
  I don't know how you do it.
• 4:51
  I get to watch here
• 4:52
  and have a front row seat.
• 4:55
  So good.
• 4:56
  Thank you.
• 4:57
  I'm honored.
• 4:59
  I'm honored.
• 4:59
  Thank you for bearing witness
• 5:00
  to my genius.
• 5:02
  Your genius?
• 5:03
  Yeah.
• 5:03
  The S is silent.
• 5:05
  Yeah. And it's a special kind of plural.
• 5:10
  It's not Latin plural. It's a whole, you get a whole other.
• 5:13
  Yeah, it's not the kind you question.
• 5:14
  No.
• 5:15
  Yeah, if you do question it, you weren't meant for it.
• 5:18
  You should leave forever.
• 5:21
  Book a massage, bitch.
• 5:24
  Murder bits.
• 5:26
  Here's the invention.
• 5:26
  Okay.
• 5:28
  You know how it's hard to trust?
• 5:31
  I do know that.
• 5:32
  You know how people lie?
• 5:34
  I do know that.
• 5:35
  You know how...
• 5:36
  Or do...
• 5:36
  I don't know that.
• 5:39
  What?
• 5:40
  Just kidding.
• 5:41
  I'm lying.
• 5:41
  I do know that people lie.
• 5:42
  Are you lying now?
• 5:42
  I am.
• 5:43
  Your nose is coming toward me.
• 5:45
  You're welcome.
• 5:47
  You know how...
• 5:49
  People say one thing and then do another?
• 5:55
  Uh-huh.
• 5:56
  You're gonna love this.
• 5:58
  All right.
• 5:59
  I was just thinking to myself,
• 6:00
  keep in mind I've been single for a very long time,
• 6:03
  But I was thinking, sometimes people...
• 6:06
  Okay, let's say I'm not me.
• 6:08
  Okay.
• 6:08
  Let's say I'm someone named Ted.
• 6:11
  Okay.
• 6:13
  Hi, I'm Ted.
• 6:14
  So, here's what I'm thinking.
• 6:17
  I'm in a relationship with Rosie.
• 6:20
  Rosie and Ted.
• 6:21
  Hi, I'm Rosie.
• 6:22
  Hey, Rosie.
• 6:23
  Hey.
• 6:25
  Rosie cheated on me.
• 6:28
  Why would I do such a thing?
• 6:30
  Because she met me, Jeff.
• 6:32
  I don't know why she did it.
• 6:35
  And it's hard for me to trust that she won't hurt me again.
• 6:39
  But wait a minute.
• 6:42
  Now we have a solution.
• 6:45
  This also works for other things.
• 6:47
  Okay.
• 6:47
  Just so you know, but we're starting with cheating.
• 6:49
  Yeah.
• 6:49
  Okay.
• 6:49
  That's good.
• 6:50
  Yeah.
• 6:52
  It's an app where you put in, like, let's say you cheated on me with some guy named Fred.
• 7:02
  Oh.
• 7:02
  Oh, Jeff.
• 7:03
  Jeff.
• 7:04
  Jeffred.
• 7:07
  I, as your spouse, I'm going to take your phone and I'm going to put his number in into the location finder.
• 7:16
  I mean, I don't know where he is, but the phone knows.
• 7:18
  Okay.
• 7:19
  And basically what it is, is it tells me if Rosie was too close to Jeff.
• 7:26
  You know?
• 7:26
  is this after you figured out that she's cheating or if you're suspicious that she's cheating
• 7:33
  i guess it could be both but i was thinking you made a mistake and you came clean
• 7:40
  okay but i still don't want to rely on trust inspect what you expect so this is just
• 7:49
  inspect what you expect.
• 7:52
  Very good.
• 7:54
  So this is just
• 7:55
  a geolocation app?
• 8:00
  Yes.
• 8:01
  But you have somebody else's location as well.
• 8:03
  It communicates to a third party.
• 8:05
  So also, let's say Rosie's a gambling addict.
• 8:07
  It will tell me if she's close to the casino.
• 8:10
  Yeah, if she was in it.
• 8:11
  I'd be like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
• 8:12
  um how in what world would jeff be okay with giving his location to you
• 8:21
  so that you could know when she's close to jeff jeff owes me one he slept with your wife after all
• 8:30
  yeah also he doesn't have to i don't it's not going to tell me where he is it's going to tell
• 8:36
  me that my person was close to him i know but that wouldn't that implies some kind of
• 8:40
  geolocation tagging on Jeff as well.
• 8:42
  I don't think it does.
• 8:43
  I think that it does.
• 8:44
  It doesn't necessarily does.
• 8:45
  No, it's just like ear tags.
• 8:48
  Yeah, that...
• 8:49
  That is geolocation.
• 8:50
  Yeah, that's geolocation tagging.
• 8:52
  So you've got to have something on Jeff to know where Jeff is.
• 8:56
  If he doesn't approve it, then I'll know something's still going on.
• 9:01
  So, Rosie, you're going to have to convince Jeff.
• 9:04
  All right, let's do a little role play here.
• 9:05
  Who am I?
• 9:06
  You're Ted.
• 9:07
  Okay.
• 9:10
  I'm Jeff.
• 9:16
  Oh.
• 9:17
  Oh, sorry.
• 9:19
  Hold on.
• 9:21
  Sorry about that.
• 9:21
  I was just thinking of something painful.
• 9:23
  Oh, you mean that time I slept with your wife?
• 9:26
  No.
• 9:27
  Okay, cool.
• 9:28
  Jeff, you're cool.
• 9:32
  Obviously, you're cool.
• 9:32
  Damn right I'm cool.
• 9:34
  Rosie picked you.
• 9:35
  Yeah.
• 9:35
  So I know you're cool.
• 9:37
  She ain't the only one.
• 9:38
  Lots of ladies pick me.
• 9:40
  I would too, Jeff.
• 9:42
  Oh.
• 9:44
  Alright, well.
• 9:46
  I gotta say I'm intrigued.
• 9:49
  You're saying you're interested?
• 9:50
  I'm saying if things don't work out with Rosie.
• 9:54
  Well, they won't.
• 9:54
  She's in love with me.
• 9:56
  That's what I was here to talk to you about.
• 9:57
  Okay.
• 9:58
  Would you be okay if I...
• 10:02
  knew where you were at all times?
• 10:06
  Just so I knew where Rosie was, too.
• 10:10
  Well, just follow Rosie.
• 10:11
  Then you'll know where I am.
• 10:12
  Well, I want to follow her...
• 10:13
  She's near me.
• 10:15
  On the phone.
• 10:17
  You want to follow her on the phone?
• 10:18
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 10:19
  So, I just need to know where you are.
• 10:21
  But...
• 10:21
  It's easy.
• 10:22
  I'll be at the casino with Rosie.
• 10:25
  Well, that sounds like a yes.
• 10:27
  Problem solved, man.
• 10:28
  Yeah.
• 10:29
  Up here, Jeff.
• 10:34
  High five, brother.
• 10:36
  Rough hands.
• 10:37
  Yeah.
• 10:39
  Feel it.
• 10:40
  But what Jeff didn't know is that Ted's hand was laced with a geolocation tracking goo.
• 10:46
  And now Ted can see where Jeff is at all times.
• 10:49
  Until he washes his hands.
• 10:52
  I don't wash my hands, real men.
• 10:53
  Absorb the germs.
• 10:55
  Germs.
• 10:56
  Germs.
• 10:57
  We don't even know what they're called.
• 11:00
  Oh my god, germs.
• 11:02
  Oh my god.
• 11:03
  Do you like my denim?
• 11:04
  I call them germs.
• 11:05
  Germs.
• 11:06
  Germs.
• 11:07
  Burns germs.
• 11:08
  Well, look, I'm a real man.
• 11:11
  I don't like no modern technology.
• 11:14
  I like being forthright and honest.
• 11:18
  Probably why Rose loves me so much.
• 11:20
  God, kiss me, Jeff.
• 11:22
  Ted, Ted, there will be a time for that someday.
• 11:26
  Okay.
• 11:26
  Today is not that day.
• 11:27
  Until that day.
• 11:30
  Put them back on, Ted.
• 11:32
  All right, Jeff.
• 11:33
  Ted, you send that sweet wife of yours over to me.
• 11:37
  Of course.
• 11:38
  We got a lot of blackjack to play.
• 11:41
  Hmm.
• 11:43
  Well, he was okay with it.
• 11:45
  Yeah, and if he was angry, we would have known.
• 11:48
  Jeff doesn't get angry.
• 11:49
  Jeff's too cool of a cucumber to get angry.
• 11:52
  You know, after hearing the logic that you described, maybe this is better for locations.
• 11:59
  For, like, casinos.
• 12:01
  Because you can set an alert for a casino.
• 12:03
  The casino's not going anywhere.
• 12:05
  So you're not violating anybody's privacy.
• 12:07
  There's no HIPAA here.
• 12:08
  So this is really just following someone on maps.
• 12:11
  HIPAA?
• 12:14
  Oh, God, I can't believe I just said it.
• 12:17
  No.
• 12:22
  Okay.
• 12:26
  So this...
• 12:27
  So this...
• 12:29
  This seems...
• 12:31
  Because it's a privacy thing with other people.
• 12:32
  I don't care if I'm not doing anything wrong.
• 12:34
  I wouldn't want someone following my location.
• 12:36
  especially somebody who i've wronged like it feels very much like hey wait no let's just find
• 12:43
  out where jeff is so we can murder jeff hey you want a massage jeff no no i need to clarify
• 12:50
  we don't have access to his actual location we only know if the person that we're with
• 12:56
  was next to them then we know his location we don't know at what point though it'll just be like
• 13:02
  boop that means oh boop they're right next to each other right now and then i can see where rosie is
• 13:07
  so that's where jeff is
• 13:09
  i see it now okay yeah again i think this is just following someone on google maps
• 13:18
  i can pull up google right maps right now and it will show that you're next to me
• 13:22
  you're busy you're at work you don't have time you want your phone to go
• 13:25
  Rosie is at
• 13:27
  Hera's.
• 13:31
  What if she's
• 13:31
  only addicted to a certain kind
• 13:33
  of gambling? Like she doesn't care about
• 13:35
  slots at all. She's only into
• 13:37
  craps. Backgammon.
• 13:39
  Yeah, just backgammon. Could you
• 13:41
  find out? Because if she's
• 13:43
  near a whole bunch of slot machines, you don't want that
• 13:45
  unnecessary worry.
• 13:48
  Slot machines are
• 13:49
  a gateway gamble.
• 13:51
  But she has no interest in them.
• 13:52
  but it's like me with weed it's like i have no interest in weed so that saying that's a gateway
• 13:58
  drug is like yeah maybe for other people but if i'm never gonna have it then it's not for me
• 14:03
  but give me that heroin sweet sweet heroin yeah
• 14:09
  heroin was your gateway to weed yeah that's the thing that makes you want to eat yeah
• 14:15
  uh i know we're doing this weekend meth that's not a gateway to anything
• 14:22
  math um so this didn't maybe like maybe i could sweeten it with a new feature
• 14:32
  um if you're near oh you know what we could do you know my date rate idea i do know that
• 14:43
  well it also has a i forgot to mention this before a hotness rating oh you should have
• 14:49
  mention that yeah so i was thinking we can connect these two apps so it's like maybe we know when our
• 14:54
  people are in a throng of hotties you know why are you around so many hot people what are you doing
• 15:01
  uh how is this being rated like who's doing the rating on the hotness the people who were on dates
• 15:12
  this was before but this is also but the hotness is very subjective that's why we get an average
• 15:19
  score.
• 15:21
  Okay.
• 15:21
  Again,
• 15:22
  we're going to need a lot of data for that.
• 15:24
  Well,
• 15:25
  that's a reopen date rate.
• 15:27
  Is that invention of the week I just thought we could use it to also heighten So wouldn it be more concerning if they were just with the one hottie If you surrounded by hotties
• 15:38
  Surrounded by hotties.
• 15:39
  That's fine.
• 15:40
  You could be at any given place.
• 15:42
  Yeah.
• 15:43
  You're recording a podcast with your two friends.
• 15:46
  Oh, we are hot.
• 15:48
  Yeah.
• 15:49
  Guys, we're such a good throng.
• 15:51
  We really are.
• 15:53
  Throng.
• 15:54
  Yeah.
• 15:56
  Okay, well...
• 15:57
  I did what I could do.
• 16:00
  I still think there's benefit to it.
• 16:02
  Well, I mean, there definitely is benefit to it
• 16:04
  because people are using it now.
• 16:08
  It's being done.
• 16:09
  It's Sam's Club all over.
• 16:11
  People are tracking locations.
• 16:14
  What about this?
• 16:16
  Businesses do this too, by the way.
• 16:17
  Did you know that they can geolocate you on your phone?
• 16:20
  So if you're in a mall and you walk by a Victoria's Secret
• 16:25
  and then suddenly you get some kind of a notification
• 16:27
  that like, hey, 15%
• 16:29
  off Victoria's Secret right now.
• 16:31
  And then you're like, whoa, this is great.
• 16:33
  I'm right by a Victoria's Secret.
• 16:34
  Your bank does it too.
• 16:36
  Banks track your location by where you spend things.
• 16:39
  Yeah.
• 16:41
  So we're already
• 16:42
  being screwed.
• 16:44
  Yeah. So this would be great if you were cheating on your bank.
• 16:48
  That would be so funny.
• 16:51
  Arizona First Financial, don't let them know I'm here.
• 16:54
  No.
• 16:55
  okay what about this quick piv okay love a quick piv quick piv um qp um what you know how they have
• 17:04
  those like dexcom diabetic ports they go on your skin oh yeah or like other patches uh-huh
• 17:12
  what if instead of an app it was a patch that is connected via bluetooth to your phone like an air
• 17:20
  tag? No.
• 17:22
  No.
• 17:23
  You're trying to chip us all, Francis?
• 17:25
  No, hear me out. You'll love this.
• 17:27
  We're like dogs.
• 17:29
  I love my dog.
• 17:32
  And you always know if she's
• 17:34
  cheating on you. I do.
• 17:36
  Anyway,
• 17:38
  let's say I'm on my phone and I get
• 17:40
  a notification that says, uh-oh, your partner's
• 17:43
  aroused
• 17:44
  because
• 17:46
  the patch picked
• 17:48
  up on her or his
• 17:49
  chemistry changing and i'd be like it's 12 30 p.m on a work day why is rosie aroused oh my god
• 17:58
  she's with jeff first of all just my boss okay i have to be around him at work second of all
• 18:05
  you know how i feel about powerpoint presentations okay i love a good powerpoint presentation they
• 18:12
  turn me on so what am i supposed to not work now ted well normally your arousal crests after
• 18:18
  only 35 seconds, but it's been at the peak for two and a half minutes. Yeah, yeah, that's because
• 18:23
  we were trying to sell the Gunderson account. And we did, okay? We did. We sold it, by the way.
• 18:29
  You're welcome for the commission. You know I read the newspaper, and anyone who knows anything
• 18:35
  knows the Gunderson account was closed two months ago. Yeah, in theory it was closed,
• 18:39
  but there was a lot of I-dotting and T-crossing that needed to happen. And I dotted and I-T'd,
• 18:44
  Okay?
• 18:48
  Hmm.
• 18:49
  All right.
• 18:50
  I'm sorry.
• 18:51
  I apologize.
• 18:52
  Yeah.
• 18:53
  What do you see about my arousal levels now, Ted?
• 18:55
  Well, right now, let me check my phone.
• 18:56
  They're in the tank.
• 18:57
  Wait a minute.
• 18:58
  Because you don't trust me.
• 18:59
  No.
• 19:00
  My phone says you're aroused now.
• 19:01
  You like fighting with me.
• 19:03
  I knew it.
• 19:04
  Also, it's because I rode over here piggyback on Jeff's back.
• 19:08
  This is Jeff underneath me.
• 19:10
  Well, this is clearly going to work for couples everywhere.
• 19:15
  It's going to save a lot of relationships.
• 19:18
  I agree.
• 19:19
  No one will ever break up again.
• 19:21
  Do we have a name for this?
• 19:24
  Caught you.
• 19:27
  Caught you?
• 19:28
  Caught you or fake trust.
• 19:34
  or
• 19:38
  love prison
• 19:43
  these all sound great
• 19:46
  it's all inspiring
• 19:49
  a lot of confidence
• 19:51
  let me make a few quick amendments
• 19:53
  you'll be mine forever whether you like it or not
• 19:56
  that's the name
• 19:57
  oh I was going to say slogan
• 19:59
  no it's the full name
• 20:01
  Jeff's Folly.
• 20:06
  I like that.
• 20:10
  Or here's a nice simple one.
• 20:12
  The Gunderson account.
• 20:15
  Ooh, it's clean because you could actually put it on someone's phone secretly
• 20:17
  and they wouldn't know about it and it would just look like a file.
• 20:22
  I did that on my computer at home just so you know.
• 20:24
  Back in the day when I had whatever certain materials I was collecting.
• 20:28
  That sounds bad.
• 20:29
  You know what I mean.
• 20:30
  Yes.
• 20:31
  You had hidden tax files that you didn't want people to find.
• 20:34
  I called it like a something profile, like whatever portfolio.
• 20:39
  Yeah, that's good.
• 20:44
  All right.
• 20:45
  Well, just be honest.
• 20:48
  Yes or no?
• 20:50
  I mean, again, because this is something that already exists in the world,
• 20:55
  I'd say yes, this will work because it does.
• 20:59
  okay but just so you know a lot of good inventions just take existing technology and
• 21:03
  put them to more focused use yeah you will sell a lot of people because it's like
• 21:09
  i don't trust you i'm gonna follow you the real key will come is if you can do it without the
• 21:18
  other person knowing that this is happening like google maps like will like let you know like once
• 21:23
  a month like by the way you're sharing your location with these people like oh yeah i get
• 21:28
  that all the time.
• 21:28
  Yeah.
• 21:29
  If we're going with
• 21:30
  the patch idea,
• 21:32
  I feel like the name
• 21:33
  should be Wife Alert.
• 21:37
  Yep.
• 21:38
  Oh, Joe strikes again.
• 21:41
  Get the span of raise.
• 21:46
  Done.
• 21:47
  We did it.
• 21:48
  I make $2 an hour.
• 21:50
  Just kidding.
• 21:50
  Don't spend it in all.
• 21:52
  Just kidding.
• 21:53
  He doesn't even make that.
• 21:56
  He's paid him vacations.
• 21:58
  That's right.
• 22:00
  We all are.
• 22:01
  If you're not careful, you'll be paid massages.
• 22:06
  I hope that comes through as me punching my own fist.
• 22:10
  I was just thinking that.
• 22:11
  We're going to massage you out of the best friends game.
• 22:15
  Okay.
• 22:17
  Wife alert.
• 22:19
  Yeah, you will get a lot of people using it.
• 22:21
  I think this will destroy more marriages than it will help.
• 22:23
  sometimes the threat of being caught
• 22:26
  is enough to change
• 22:28
  one's behavior
• 22:29
  that's basically our prison system
• 22:31
  yeah
• 22:33
  and we have the most crowded prisons in the world
• 22:36
  um
• 22:38
  okay
• 22:40
  stricter laws looser punishments
• 22:42
  vote for me
• 22:43
  uh
• 22:46
  all right well
• 22:47
  what did i say stricter laws
• 22:50
  i meant looser laws
• 22:51
  just move on
• 22:53
  it's too late I already voted for you
• 22:56
  no you overstimulate me
• 22:58
  you're going oh my god you're going back on your policies
• 23:02
  because you're going to do the opposite just like what you said
• 23:05
  you know how people do the opposite of what they say they're going to do
• 23:08
  hypocrites
• 23:09
  yeah
• 23:12
  hypocrites
• 23:14
  I can't believe I said it
• 23:17
  it's very funny
• 23:18
  did you say that she overstimulated you
• 23:21
  yes
• 23:23
  that's why he got it wrong
• 23:25
  Francis needs to be
• 23:27
  he needs to go sit in his calm corner
• 23:30
  for a minute and then he'll be fine
• 23:31
  give me my cap
• 23:33
  my stimulants cap
• 23:35
  okay well that
• 23:38
  wraps up the invention
• 23:40
  of the week
• 23:41
  well
• 23:47
  Well, let's have our next segment.
• 23:50
  It's a little segment called
• 23:52
  There Will Be Signs.
• 23:57
  How will you know when we've made it big, listeners?
• 24:01
  Oh, there will be signs.
• 24:07
  Francis, you're our resident lottery expert.
• 24:12
  Why don't you explain this segment?
• 24:13
  Oh, thank you for acknowledging that.
• 24:14
  I don't think the audience has had a chance to know that.
• 24:17
  Oh, you are an expert at this point.
• 24:21
  You have your 10,000 hours.
• 24:23
  Oh, I'm ready.
• 24:23
  The next one's going to win.
• 24:26
  Anyway, so this segment is called There Will Be Signs.
• 24:28
  And what Jenna and I will be doing is discussing what things we would be doing if we had won the lottery.
• 24:34
  That we wouldn't be telling people we won, but we'd be engaging in certain behaviors where maybe they would suspect.
• 24:42
  There would be signs.
• 24:43
  Yes.
• 24:43
  they're gonna notice things things are gonna be a little different around here
• 24:48
  yeah i like that you said that thanks um well
• 24:57
  i would say
• 25:01
  one thing for sure every bathroom every public bathroom on earth
• 25:09
  on earth on earth just in case because i need to be prepared just in case i ever go to a bathroom
• 25:14
  in a new place okay just two places that i already go i'm will no longer have a push button lock
• 25:22
  that little kind that you don't know if the door is really locked it'll have a clear demonstrable
• 25:28
  slide block that it's like you have 100 confidence no one's getting in that door
• 25:33
  all the all the doors in all the worlds i will have that button replaced
• 25:37
  because I hate that little button that barely moves at all.
• 25:43
  And then you're like, I don't know if someone can still get in.
• 25:47
  It doesn't feel like it locked.
• 25:48
  Well, now you'll know because I'm rich.
• 25:53
  No, like the one, the little button next to the door.
• 25:56
  No, the one that it's like literally just a button that you push in.
• 25:58
  And it makes a tiny pathetic noise.
• 25:59
  And it barely moves at all.
• 26:01
  And so you don't know if it actually.
• 26:03
  Oh, yeah.
• 26:04
  Kind of like the one in our room when we first got here.
• 26:07
  in this undisclosed location.
• 26:10
  In the Serengeti?
• 26:11
  Yep.
• 26:13
  In Antarctica.
• 26:14
  The Serengeti in Antarctica.
• 26:16
  Of Detroit.
• 26:17
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:19
  Near Dollywood.
• 26:22
  Right next to...
• 26:24
  Canada.
• 26:26
  And the Philippines.
• 26:28
  Okay, stop.
• 26:30
  They're giving it away.
• 26:30
  Oh, my God.
• 26:31
  We just geolocated.
• 26:32
  We just wife alerted ourselves.
• 26:35
  Our listeners know where we are.
• 26:37
  Oh.
• 26:37
  and that were aroused.
• 26:38
  No, no.
• 26:40
  I'm not sorry.
• 26:40
  Well, they know that.
• 26:42
  We constantly are.
• 26:46
  So, yeah.
• 26:49
  So all of those locks will be changed.
• 26:51
  So if you are suddenly like,
• 26:52
  you're like, you know,
• 26:52
  I haven't seen one of those in years.
• 26:54
  Maybe that was me.
• 26:56
  I think I have a better idea for you.
• 26:59
  Oh, okay.
• 27:00
  You know those old fashioned like kingly carriages
• 27:02
  where like the king would get in
• 27:03
  and like four people would carry it around?
• 27:05
  Oh, yeah.
• 27:05
  what if you could just like
• 27:08
  call them and they would show up
• 27:10
  and you get in and it's just a big toilet
• 27:12
  that people are
• 27:14
  you know
• 27:15
  how is that a better idea for me
• 27:18
  because you don't have to worry about
• 27:19
  that sounds terrible
• 27:21
  no because you're fully enclosed
• 27:22
  yeah but there are people around
• 27:24
  they don't know who's in it
• 27:26
  oh it just could be anybody
• 27:28
  that called up the king
• 27:29
  I'm assuming they're at my beck and call
• 27:32
  it also necessitates her hiring
• 27:35
  someone to
• 27:36
  clean it each time.
• 27:38
  Yeah, this is a terrible plan.
• 27:41
  Let that be your sign.
• 27:42
  Yeah.
• 27:43
  That's not mine.
• 27:45
  Also, why do they need to carry it?
• 27:47
  Why not just say I have my own private bathroom
• 27:49
  everywhere I go?
• 27:50
  We have places to go.
• 27:51
  They can help you get there.
• 27:52
  So it also doubles as transportation?
• 27:54
  Yeah.
• 27:55
  Pooper.
• 27:55
  Pooper.
• 27:56
  Oh my god.
• 28:03
  Wow.
• 28:05
  That's a good one.
• 28:06
  Okay, that's yours.
• 28:07
  That is not one of my signs.
• 28:09
  I meant your bathroom one.
• 28:12
  No, that's just, that is the, do you know me at all, Francis?
• 28:16
  Okay.
• 28:17
  All right.
• 28:19
  Okay, well, that's great.
• 28:21
  I like what you did.
• 28:22
  Thank you.
• 28:24
  Here's something I would do.
• 28:28
  I would, let's say I was going to go shopping.
• 28:35
  I would hire someone, they wouldn't know it was me, with my exact dimensions to go and try on clothes while I watched from behind a screen.
• 28:46
  Yes.
• 28:47
  So I would know how I would look.
• 28:48
  That's a good idea.
• 28:49
  Yeah.
• 28:50
  Because trying on clothes is the worst.
• 28:52
  And also you can't really be objective.
• 28:53
  You need to see what other people are seeing.
• 28:57
  Yeah.
• 28:57
  So you'd have a Francis doppelganger.
• 29:00
  Yeah.
• 29:00
  Well, we're probably at the point where I could custom have a robot that looks just like me.
• 29:05
  I would prefer it to be a real person.
• 29:08
  I don't know why.
• 29:09
  I want there to be a little bit of a humiliation factor to it.
• 29:14
  Like where it's like, no, no, no.
• 29:15
  No, no.
• 29:16
  You don't get to keep the clothes.
• 29:18
  Oh, you thought this was, that you're a pretty woman?
• 29:20
  No, no, no, no.
• 29:21
  No.
• 29:21
  You're going back outside.
• 29:22
  Yeah.
• 29:23
  You're going back to saying who, how much, and when, or what was it they say?
• 29:29
  I say who.
• 29:29
  I say, I say how much.
• 29:31
  I say, I say who.
• 29:32
  I say who.
• 29:33
  I say how much.
• 29:35
  who um yeah okay you like that one huh yeah that was a good one i like that one thank you
• 29:42
  um yeah do you have another one yeah sure um i would also um
• 29:53
  if i was rich and i didn't want people to know but there would be signs i would um
• 30:00
  you know how diamonds catch light i do know that i would have a bunch of them crunched up
• 30:08
  and put into walkways so that everything sparkled around me all the time but nobody would know it
• 30:13
  was diamonds because who would do that right so like in all these like public walkways it would
• 30:17
  just be a glittery beautiful wait so they'd be permanent there it wouldn't be like attached
• 30:20
  to you in any way no no it would just be like it would just be inserted into like aggregate
• 30:25
  walkways. Well then it would make everybody glitter.
• 30:29
  You're okay with that?
• 30:31
  After I
• 30:32
  walked through, a digging crew would
• 30:34
  come. So there's a crew
• 30:36
  that... It's the same people that carry you
• 30:38
  around when you need to go to the bathroom.
• 30:40
  They're following you and digging up
• 30:42
  your diamonds. It's like ten squares and like
• 30:43
  people just pick it up and like keep putting it in front of me.
• 30:47
  Yeah.
• 30:49
  And
• 30:49
  everyone would be like, that guy really sparkles
• 30:52
  and there's nothing else weird going on.
• 30:54
  I'm sure he's a normal dude
• 30:56
  yep just a normal dude
• 30:57
  yeah
• 30:58
  um
• 31:00
  yeah
• 31:00
  that would be good so you always look electric like you always look well lit Yeah Or what about this What about I could hire fam I could like do a casting call for people to be my fake family
• 31:16
  And I would have like holidays and birthdays and stuff with them.
• 31:18
  And they would have like roles to play.
• 31:21
  You know?
• 31:21
  And they have like their whole backstory and character.
• 31:23
  Yeah.
• 31:23
  And it's just like actors.
• 31:25
  And they had to make it feel real or no bonus.
• 31:28
  Yeah.
• 31:29
  They don't get paid.
• 31:30
  Yeah.
• 31:30
  that'd be kind of fun
• 31:31
  yeah
• 31:33
  where would you take
• 31:34
  I mean would you just
• 31:34
  have like them
• 31:35
  have like a Thanksgiving
• 31:36
  or would you like
• 31:37
  go out in public
• 31:38
  would you like
• 31:39
  want to do like
• 31:39
  the whole like
• 31:40
  god we're taking the kids
• 31:42
  to Disneyland
• 31:42
  thing like
• 31:43
  it's exhausting
• 31:44
  I want the whole experience
• 31:45
  we fight a little bit
• 31:46
  yeah
• 31:47
  we make up
• 31:49
  we have dinner
• 31:50
  we give speeches
• 31:51
  we do
• 31:54
  wife alert
• 31:55
  on each other
• 31:56
  yeah
• 31:57
  yeah that would be fun
• 31:59
  um
• 32:01
  I
• 32:04
  would
• 32:07
  have a private plane
• 32:09
  I'd have two private planes
• 32:11
  get her she's rich
• 32:12
  and one of them would just be
• 32:16
  like a themed
• 32:19
  bar that I would hang out in
• 32:22
  but it wouldn't be plane themed
• 32:25
  are you saying
• 32:26
  it would fly or
• 32:27
  No, I'd have it parked.
• 32:29
  Well, maybe we could fly. That would be fun.
• 32:31
  But it would be like a
• 32:33
  like a rainforest cafe
• 32:35
  but in a plane.
• 32:37
  Careful. I know, I know.
• 32:39
  Those are dangerous. Well, we all know.
• 32:41
  Yeah.
• 32:42
  Yeah, that's what I would do.
• 32:47
  So, we'd just be like,
• 32:49
  oh, you guys, you
• 32:51
  want to just come in and get a drink in my backyard?
• 32:53
  It would be in my backyard to do.
• 32:55
  Yeah. I think that's what I would do.
• 32:57
  oh what about this find people who are if someone's like a bully or they're mean
• 33:03
  oh find someone who could outperform that whatever they do so let's say the bully was like doing it
• 33:07
  like a recital some of the someone you hire comes up and does their exact act better than them yeah
• 33:13
  every time they went to do something and then you also every time you go to do something you hire
• 33:17
  someone to do it just like you would a little bit worse yeah yeah yeah or no we're after it's not
• 33:25
  of really like they just do it again after no i can get it right this time and then i'm on the
• 33:30
  microphone like okay um good good job nice try are they okay um i would um i would uh
• 33:44
  you know how little birds are cute i do know that you know what would make them even cuter
• 33:51
  smoking jackets.
• 33:58
  If I would
• 34:00
  set up all the little birds
• 34:01
  in my area
• 34:04
  with little smoking jackets.
• 34:07
  Little birds in my area?
• 34:08
  Birds in my area, yep.
• 34:11
  Can they still fly with them?
• 34:12
  Yeah, they can. I'd make sure they were
• 34:14
  aerodynamic smoking jackets.
• 34:16
  But if you suddenly started seeing
• 34:17
  birds that had a little extra
• 34:20
  domesticity to them.
• 34:23
  They just looked like,
• 34:25
  hey, that guy's got a house.
• 34:27
  He looks comfortable.
• 34:29
  That bird's got a house.
• 34:30
  That bird's got a house.
• 34:32
  I bet it's a home.
• 34:33
  As you know,
• 34:34
  every person with a jacket
• 34:35
  has a house.
• 34:36
  That's true.
• 34:37
  Well, a smoking jacket.
• 34:39
  Name one person
• 34:39
  with a smoking jacket
• 34:40
  that doesn't have a place to live.
• 34:42
  I can't.
• 34:43
  Exactly.
• 34:45
  Wow.
• 34:47
  Your Honor,
• 34:48
  I've proven my point.
• 34:50
  that's it that's that's interesting because it would be whimsy for me
• 34:54
  and fun for the birds too i think fun for everyone that saw them
• 34:59
  what about this okay hire someone i'm a really good employer once i'm rich apparently um hire
• 35:09
  someone so many jobs your job creator to initiate a fake mugging and i can i'm a hero now you know
• 35:18
  I get the purse back and not I could quote unquote knock him out they run away and everyone's like wow
• 35:24
  and I'm like it was nothing really it was nothing at any point in time do you feel like you would
• 35:30
  feel like would the stolen valor of that get to you the you knowing that you it was all fake
• 35:37
  that you're not really a hero no because I think there's a lot of fakeness in the world that we
• 35:45
  are not aware of you know and so i'm just going to become part of it you're just okay with it
• 35:52
  yeah you get to see that's how the other half lives yeah plus money changes people so i'll just
• 35:58
  be changed okay yeah that's true and you already know i'm gonna go through mattresses like water
• 36:04
  because you're putting your money under them uh no i'll be being on them oh an accident
• 36:15
  Oh, peeing on them.
• 36:16
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 36:17
  First of all, I said being on them.
• 36:19
  What are you doing?
• 36:20
  What's so wrong with you?
• 36:21
  Yeah.
• 36:22
  Well, how are you not going through?
• 36:24
  It's a trust thing.
• 36:26
  Yeah, that's true.
• 36:28
  You have a little mattress dispenser.
• 36:30
  It would be like a new one that comes up like a Kleenex.
• 36:32
  And yeah, they like expand.
• 36:33
  You know how Mr. Beast does like things for people with his money?
• 36:36
  Yeah.
• 36:37
  What if I did things that didn't help anyone but were interesting?
• 36:39
  Like what if I stacked like a thousand mattresses and had someone jump off a building and saw what happened?
• 36:45
  yeah just to see yeah yeah oh and then you could be waiting to catch them when they end up
• 36:53
  they end up getting springboarded by the mattresses you want to see how far they fly
• 36:58
  yeah well no but then that can be your stolen valor yeah but then i get but a thousand mattresses
• 37:03
  is really high so once they're barreling toward me i get scared and move and yeah but no one
• 37:08
  knows I set it up so I'm not in trouble.
• 37:11
  Oh.
• 37:11
  Yeah.
• 37:12
  That's nice.
• 37:14
  There's just a thousand mattresses here.
• 37:16
  I guess we'll never know how it got here.
• 37:18
  But then I'm on the news and they're like,
• 37:19
  it looked like you were about to try and save that person.
• 37:21
  What happened?
• 37:22
  I was like, oh, my back.
• 37:24
  I remembered.
• 37:26
  I need a massage.
• 37:27
  I volunteered an orphanage and they need me.
• 37:31
  Yeah, I'm too invaluable.
• 37:33
  Yeah.
• 37:33
  I couldn't be smooshed.
• 37:35
  I couldn't be smooshed.
• 37:38
  Yeah, that would be good.
• 37:39
  That would be fun to just try stuff out.
• 37:43
  You could go to Red Lobster and free all the lobsters in the tank and let them go and give them a 30-minute head start.
• 37:51
  And then hunt them.
• 37:55
  Come for you, lobsters.
• 37:58
  And they're just still out in the parking lot.
• 38:01
  Not knowing which way to go.
• 38:02
  One of them is looking at a map.
• 38:04
  We're in Tulsa.
• 38:05
  No ocean here.
• 38:07
  This pavement's hot.
• 38:08
  yeah
• 38:10
  it'll just be mercy killing the lobsters
• 38:13
  yeah although what's
• 38:16
  the lobster like you can't like just put
• 38:18
  them back in the ocean and then they're fine I don't
• 38:20
  think why not I don't think so
• 38:22
  I think it's kind of
• 38:23
  curtains for them once you
• 38:25
  yeah because I remember reading
• 38:28
  somewhere like a news story that
• 38:30
  like I think
• 38:32
  this was on Twitter it was like some like
• 38:34
  animal rights activists like went
• 38:36
  to a fancy restaurant and took the
• 38:38
  lobster tank and like put all the lobsters back in the ocean and they just died and then like a
• 38:43
  chef responded to that being like yeah you can't just like reintroduce them they have like weird
• 38:49
  psychology about death and because like if you have a bunch of lobster in a tank if one of the
• 38:55
  lobsters starts to try to claw out of the tank the other lobsters will pull it back in
• 39:00
  but how do we know if they're going down you're going down with us but how do we know if it's
• 39:05
  that or if it's like no this could be okay you're gonna make us all look bad we might get out of
• 39:12
  this get back down here look at all of the nice people waving at us in this aj's
• 39:16
  oh i would have my own private grocery store sorry joe i should have laughed
• 39:21
  earlier at that i enjoyed that that wasn't that good it was good thank you it was nice yeah
• 39:26
  joe saying aj's made me think i would have my own private grocery store oh that's good
• 39:32
  Because I don't mind grocery shopping.
• 39:34
  It's not like...
• 39:34
  It's just the people.
• 39:35
  It's the people.
• 39:36
  It would be nice if you could just kind of wander and look at everything yourself.
• 39:39
  In fact, I would probably spend a lot more time in a grocery store if there was no one else there.
• 39:43
  I spend a lot of time in...
• 39:45
  If I go to an AJ's, I spend a lot of time in the AJ's.
• 39:49
  Yeah.
• 39:49
  Because they have upturned lights and I like that.
• 39:53
  It is...
• 39:54
  AJ's is nice.
• 39:54
  It's just expensive.
• 39:56
  True.
• 39:57
  I love that idea.
• 39:58
  Thank you.
• 39:59
  Maybe we could put mannequins in it.
• 40:01
  Oh.
• 40:02
  okay like they're shopping um um yeah we could put mannequins in there so they're like mid pose
• 40:12
  there's like one that like can't reach the top shelf and it's just always never you're never
• 40:16
  gonna reach that top shelf yeah one of them's holding a fake gun with the cashier
• 40:20
  and then you save the cashier and all the other mannequins are like wow good job
• 40:26
  this is valor that was given yep
• 40:28
  um yeah i like that idea do you have any other ideas that's actually a really really good one
• 40:38
  thank you i wish i thought of it maybe the same concept with like an amusement park
• 40:43
  because i love an amusement park yeah that would be good yeah i just need one person to do the rides
• 40:50
  yeah it could be your body double he's he's like when do i get paid
• 40:57
  You're like, guess what? We're going to an amusement park.
• 40:59
  And he's like, finally, some fun.
• 41:00
  I was like, no, no, no, not for you.
• 41:02
  I'd like to thank you for all your hard work trying on those clothes.
• 41:04
  They look great on me, don't they?
• 41:05
  Yeah.
• 41:07
  Yeah, private amusement park would be good.
• 41:09
  He's in like a Fred Flintstone outfit.
• 41:14
  He's just a barrel with straps.
• 41:17
  Yeah.
• 41:18
  I have enough money to keep you around, but not enough to clothe you.
• 41:24
  No, I'm not liquid.
• 41:26
  Sorry.
• 41:27
  it's all wrapped up in this roller coasters
• 41:29
  I'm sorry
• 41:31
  a 400 million dollar amusement park
• 41:33
  I call it doppelgangers
• 41:35
  well I think these are good
• 41:39
  signs
• 41:40
  I think these are people will know
• 41:43
  you see a bird in a smoking jacket
• 41:46
  you see lobsters
• 41:48
  confused in a parking lot
• 41:49
  you see Francis in a poober
• 41:51
  then
• 41:55
  you'll know
• 41:57
  you'll know that's not a bad idea it is a terrible idea that is a terrible idea i don't want to meet
• 42:04
  the person that would do that wait wait wait wait wait hear me out okay a van a sprinter van
• 42:12
  it's a portable toilet you need a toilet it's an app i need a toilet in four minutes i'll be there
• 42:19
  van pulls up you get in it's a private commode there's still somebody in the front of the van
• 42:25
  But there's a partition, you never see them.
• 42:29
  Can it be like a limousine?
• 42:30
  There's a button in back if you want to put the partition down.
• 42:33
  The privacy.
• 42:35
  I want you to watch.
• 42:36
  Can you hold my hand?
• 42:37
  I need a lot of fiber today.
• 42:38
  Can you look me right in the eyes?
• 42:40
  Come on, you wouldn't use that?
• 42:41
  Why do you keep trying to take the plumbing out of the bathroom process?
• 42:46
  I know.
• 42:47
  No one's mad about an RV.
• 42:48
  One of the greatest inventions of all time.
• 42:49
  an rv it's like okay that adds a lot of other value that makes that part of it like okay you've
• 42:58
  never been no one buys an rv just to go to the bathroom uh there will be signs
• 43:02
  oh and that wraps up there will be signs
• 43:08
  now please excuse us as we use hundred dollar bills as toilet paper
• 43:15
  all right one final segment that is the big question the question is very big
• 43:26
  i have a question great because i don't i was thinking
• 43:31
  and i'm gonna try and phrase this properly because it can go one or two ways so i was
• 43:37
  thinking like if you knew the world was about to end but like in such a way where you could still
• 43:42
  do anything you wanted.
• 43:45
  I don't want people to stop
• 43:46
  working at the restaurant.
• 43:49
  Everyone knows the world's going to end, but they all
• 43:51
  go to their jobs.
• 43:53
  So either nothing changes or
• 43:55
  you're the only one who knows, but you know for sure.
• 43:57
  Okay.
• 43:58
  How are you going to spend your last week?
• 44:02
  What are you going to do?
• 44:06
  Oof.
• 44:09
  Besides invest in pooper.
• 44:12
  as the world's about to end.
• 44:15
  Well, that would be a sign of the apocalypse
• 44:17
  if I ever did invest in that.
• 44:22
  Well, aside from the obvious is
• 44:24
  do a lot of traveling.
• 44:26
  A week's not a lot of time to see a lot of things.
• 44:29
  You want more notice?
• 44:31
  Well, no, I mean in terms of traveling.
• 44:35
  If I knew it was...
• 44:35
  Then you could really hit up every place on Earth
• 44:37
  and go for like a year.
• 44:41
  Oh, you want a year's notice?
• 44:42
  Well, I mean, that would give you a lot of time.
• 44:44
  Because it's like, just even the act of traveling itself, like flying to Paris or whatever, that takes time.
• 44:55
  You're right.
• 44:55
  It takes hours.
• 44:56
  I mean, if I were, like, I want to go to Tokyo someday.
• 44:59
  Me too.
• 45:00
  Flying to Tokyo.
• 45:01
  That's like, that's one of my days gone.
• 45:04
  A week's not a lot of time.
• 45:05
  A week's not a lot of time.
• 45:06
  You're right.
• 45:07
  So, let's say, are we making this local?
• 45:10
  what would you do
• 45:12
  well it's your week so
• 45:14
  be as local as you want
• 45:17
  I feel like
• 45:20
  am I getting in trouble for things
• 45:24
  like can I get arrested
• 45:25
  also are we assuming
• 45:26
  infinite funds or only the funds that you currently have
• 45:30
  available to you
• 45:31
  I would say infinite funds
• 45:34
  I would say money is not an object
• 45:35
  infinite funds is more fun
• 45:37
  it's infinite fun
• 45:38
  there will be signs
• 45:41
  yeah so there you go you have all the money in the world
• 45:44
  and a week to spend it
• 45:46
  okay
• 45:47
  um
• 45:51
  I'm gonna take
• 45:53
  I would replace all of the bathroom
• 45:55
  yeah
• 45:56
  hey birds get over here
• 45:59
  for personal fitting
• 46:01
  you're going out with a bang
• 46:03
  um
• 46:05
  I
• 46:08
  let's take travel off the table because that seems i would just i mean in real life i would
• 46:14
  just travel to places i wanted to see right you just and take people with you that you wanted to
• 46:21
  go with you and then we just go do things which travel is great but did i tell you i saw like a
• 46:25
  meme or pick a picture of someone like posted a picture like patagonia like from their hiking trip
• 46:29
  and they were like i can believe i saw this in real life like i did all this travel and i got here I saw it with my own eyes And then somebody commented i seeing it on my toilet yeah i know some of it yeah you can some of it probably like underwhelming in real life well
• 46:48
  have you heard of like paris syndrome is that when you go to paris and it's not like what
• 46:52
  yeah and people have like mental breakdowns oh it's like a it's a big thing yeah geez yeah yeah
• 46:59
  Paris is one of those places
• 47:02
  it's like everybody has an idea of what Paris is like
• 47:04
  and it's all
• 47:05
  romantic and it's all like nice
• 47:08
  but
• 47:09
  yeah
• 47:10
  but there's a lot of shithole parts
• 47:14
  of everywhere including Paris
• 47:16
  all the really nice
• 47:18
  places are very expensive
• 47:19
  go figure
• 47:21
  just like everywhere else
• 47:22
  if only Paris would invest in the
• 47:26
  poubelle
• 47:27
  oh that's where we should start it yeah yeah the baddie pooper the pee pee pooper um
• 47:36
  i would probably try and do a series of fun pranks i don't know i feel like i always come
• 47:46
  back to my go-to is like if you could do whatever you want i'm always like i'd sneak into people's
• 47:50
  houses i do that's why i want to know like am i gonna get arrested i would say yes because
• 47:56
  I've already given you unlimited money.
• 47:59
  And you're the only one who knows this is happening.
• 48:01
  Oh, I can get arrested.
• 48:03
  But bail is no issue.
• 48:07
  Yeah.
• 48:08
  So that's good.
• 48:09
  Plus, if you got caught, you could just, you know, kill the person because in a week,
• 48:17
  they were going to die anyway.
• 48:19
  Yeah, that's true.
• 48:20
  I'm doing you a favor.
• 48:22
  Yeah.
• 48:22
  um yeah i would want to do i don't know i'd want to do fun wacky things uh come here let me massage
• 48:31
  you uh no i i i didn't just steal that thing to prove it i'll massage you um
• 48:38
  yeah i don't know i i like the idea of switching stuff on people like that to me is always a fun
• 48:47
  idea like oh i'm gonna be like maybe like one one night i'd i'd pay people to like move all the
• 48:55
  merchandise from macy's and all the merchandise from dillard's and just switch them and see if
• 49:00
  they noticed when the store opened or maybe change the sign at aj's to jas jas jas food finds
• 49:11
  food finds
• 49:13
  food finds
• 49:15
  um
• 49:18
  uh
• 49:20
  I would
• 49:21
  probably like rent
• 49:24
  like
• 49:25
  really nice houses or like
• 49:28
  buy expensive cars and see if
• 49:30
  they're worth like driving and
• 49:32
  um I'll be back in a week
• 49:34
  I promise
• 49:35
  I get paid in a week
• 49:39
  uh
• 49:40
  I would just probably do a lot of like really fun shit with my friends for a week.
• 49:47
  What would be like a large company or like product that you could buy like the rights to either for fun purposes or for screwing with people?
• 49:57
  Blockbuster.
• 49:59
  Oh, reopen Blockbuster.
• 50:01
  Yeah.
• 50:02
  Just for a week.
• 50:03
  That would be so much fun.
• 50:04
  Oh, I would do that also if there will be signs.
• 50:07
  Yeah.
• 50:07
  That's a good.
• 50:09
  Oh, my God.
• 50:09
  Your own Blockbuster.
• 50:10
  can you imagine oh but nothing after from when i was in high school so it was exactly like me
• 50:16
  browsing blockbuster in high school i was actually thinking about this if you bought a blockbuster
• 50:20
  now and you like reopened it you could do have it just like blockbuster but then there was like
• 50:27
  private theater rooms that you could rent with your friends and you could like watch movies
• 50:31
  and get snacks and stuff it's like a blockbuster that's a movie theater yeah but like a very like
• 50:36
  the rooms aren't very big you wouldn't have like hundreds of people in them no just like screening
• 50:41
  rooms yeah yeah and like you rent a movie from blockbuster and it's like you know nothing's in
• 50:46
  4k it's like all old school yeah have your snacks yeah oh yeah that'd be cool i would go i would go
• 50:53
  for sure that would be such a money maker but why doesn't someone capitalize on blockbuster's
• 50:58
  nostalgia value everybody wants blockbuster to come back i feel like so many people talk about
• 51:03
  Like, oh, I hate, like, just sitting on the couch scrolling Netflix.
• 51:06
  I spend an hour and I don't pick the name.
• 51:08
  I don't want anything.
• 51:08
  No.
• 51:09
  Shut up.
• 51:09
  Like, go to Blockbuster.
• 51:11
  You always, it's a fun time.
• 51:12
  Like an adult.
• 51:13
  Yeah, go to Blockbuster.
• 51:14
  It's a fun time.
• 51:15
  You always find something.
• 51:16
  You get to walk by the box for gummo a hundred times.
• 51:20
  Yeah.
• 51:21
  And never rent gummo.
• 51:22
  Yeah.
• 51:23
  I can still see that cover in my head.
• 51:27
  You can.
• 51:27
  Yeah, I can too.
• 51:29
  Oh, it's there forever.
• 51:31
  Powder was another one.
• 51:33
  I used to see a lot of...
• 51:34
  Oh, yeah, Powder.
• 51:35
  Powder.
• 51:35
  Powder and Gemmo, the big two.
• 51:37
  I saw Powder.
• 51:40
  I think I did, too.
• 51:43
  And it was underwhelming for how big of a presence that box was in my life.
• 51:48
  The movie, I...
• 51:50
  Because he couldn't touch things, right?
• 51:52
  Or he had to wear gloves, and he was kind of like a bubble boy.
• 51:58
  Am I remembering that correctly?
• 51:59
  I think he could make you feel things.
• 52:00
  he didn't make me feel anything
• 52:03
  you just
• 52:04
  uh
• 52:05
  life alert
• 52:06
  is not going off
• 52:07
  powder
• 52:08
  for your last week
• 52:10
  we'll be refilming
• 52:10
  the film powder
• 52:11
  in a way that makes me
• 52:12
  feel something
• 52:13
  we're gonna make it good
• 52:14
  this time
• 52:15
  powder the way it should
• 52:16
  have been done
• 52:17
  uh
• 52:17
  um
• 52:18
  yeah
• 52:19
  good call
• 52:21
  um
• 52:22
  yeah what would you do
• 52:24
  you hadn't thought this far
• 52:28
  I would hit on
• 52:29
  everyone
• 52:30
  just to see how many I could get.
• 52:32
  Oh, that's true, because then they don't know.
• 52:34
  But then what if it's like nonstop or check?
• 52:37
  That would be demoralizing.
• 52:39
  No, that's fine, because I would expect that anyway.
• 52:41
  But you'd see, hey, I'm actually getting a higher return
• 52:45
  on my investment than I thought.
• 52:46
  I could have been doing this the whole time.
• 52:49
  Well, also, too, you would have the psychological confidence
• 52:52
  of knowing it doesn't matter, the world's going to end.
• 52:54
  So that would probably make you better at flirting
• 52:57
  and hitting on people.
• 52:57
  yeah and every person that said no i could be like i just want you to know that i have the
• 53:01
  power to end the world and because you said no i'm gonna end it in a week oh have a nice life
• 53:08
  then you're gonna die they're gonna die with you being their god they're gonna be like
• 53:13
  i met this crazy guy and then in a week they're gonna be like holy shit
• 53:18
  no no i'll go on a date with you come back every time i say no i'm like what if god was one of us
• 53:25
  pointing at myself just a stranger on the poover
• 53:29
  yeah i would do that i would um i would probably go to like my favorite restaurants
• 53:35
  yeah have like some nice meals yeah a whole bunch of nice meals i and my yeah you'd want
• 53:41
  your friends with you the whole time until you didn't want them with you right and then
• 53:46
  like we have certain friends that it's like you're you're getting small doses
• 53:51
  but yeah so it would be selective but you'd have exactly the people that you wanted to have around
• 54:03
  you yeah exactly yeah whenever you wanted to have them around you and you just do fun stuff
• 54:07
  yeah and you have so much money the people that you want small doses when you're about to get
• 54:13
  tired then be like hey you really like this niche thing right why don't you go do that
• 54:17
  Why don't you go do that?
• 54:18
  On me.
• 54:19
  Yep.
• 54:20
  Here.
• 54:20
  It's like, yeah.
• 54:22
  Go see a Star Wars.
• 54:23
  Yeah.
• 54:25
  Yeah.
• 54:26
  What a fun week that would be.
• 54:27
  Yeah.
• 54:28
  Good for us.
• 54:30
  All right.
• 54:32
  Time to die.
• 54:32
  Time to die.
• 54:33
  And then right at the end of the week, I would go get on one of those passenger rockets.
• 54:41
  You know, we're going to the moon or whatever.
• 54:44
  Or we're going to space station.
• 54:45
  I would just get on it.
• 54:46
  kind of like when Cal gets on the boat in Titanic.
• 54:49
  Oh, yeah.
• 54:50
  Yeah, that would go up, the Earth would end,
• 54:52
  and then I would come back down.
• 54:53
  So what?
• 54:55
  Well, it depends on how it ended.
• 54:56
  Then we have a fun post-apocalyptic life.
• 54:58
  Yeah, which could be great.
• 54:59
  Could be good.
• 55:00
  Anytime we're done, you know, we can massage ourselves.
• 55:02
  Although, you're going to be stuck.
• 55:04
  It's just going to be you and Katy Perry.
• 55:06
  She's not coming.
• 55:07
  Well, she's going to be on that little rocket with you.
• 55:09
  I will kick her out.
• 55:10
  Good.
• 55:10
  Please do.
• 55:11
  And I'll give you guys first dibs if you want to come.
• 55:13
  Oh, yeah.
• 55:14
  Yeah.
• 55:14
  For sure.
• 55:15
  I'm not going if Katie's going
• 55:17
  Katie's not going
• 55:18
  Okay
• 55:19
  That's how I feel
• 55:22
  What a fun week that's going to be
• 55:24
  I hope it happens soon
• 55:26
  I hope the weather's good that week
• 55:27
  Oh I know that would be such a bummer
• 55:29
  It's like please give us a week
• 55:32
  Before you start raining fire from the sky
• 55:35
  Can we just have this please
• 55:38
  We come back down from the rocket
• 55:40
  Like dinosaurs are back
• 55:41
  They were like we were here the whole time
• 55:44
  hibernation
• 55:46
  well
• 55:48
  there it is
• 55:49
  that wraps up
• 55:50
  the big question
• 55:52
  the big question
• 55:52
  well
• 55:54
  there's only time
• 55:56
  for one
• 55:56
  final thing
• 55:58
  did you look
• 55:59
  I didn't look
• 55:59
  I deliberately
• 56:00
  I saw what you did
• 56:01
  and I deliberately
• 56:02
  kept my eyes
• 56:03
  on your eyes
• 56:03
  because Francis
• 56:04
  just held up
• 56:04
  his index card
• 56:05
  with his words on it
• 56:06
  he's beautiful
• 56:07
  and he's not smart
• 56:08
  um
• 56:10
  hot dog
• 56:12
  that's why we keep him around
• 56:14
  he's hot
• 56:14
  he's dumb um the thing we need to do is guess secret words we let me go first because i
• 56:22
  only one word jumped out at me okay i actually don't have very good words actually i have two
• 56:29
  now i'm trying to i'm trying to go back and and think about did you say your secret word i did
• 56:36
  oh well that doesn't bode well for me i said it how's it bode now not well
• 56:44
  Still, because I don't have any good guesses, really.
• 56:48
  Oh, I thought you...
• 56:50
  I did write a couple down.
• 56:51
  Okay, you want me to go?
• 56:52
  Yeah, you go.
• 56:53
  The one word I wrote down is master.
• 56:56
  Nope.
• 56:57
  I didn't know when I said it.
• 56:58
  You're talking about you've got your 10,000 hours?
• 57:00
  Oh.
• 57:00
  You're a master.
• 57:01
  Oh.
• 57:03
  What we played back, she never said master.
• 57:07
  Maybe it was implied.
• 57:08
  Or you said it first.
• 57:09
  What was your single word implied?
• 57:10
  I'm a master and you've got your 10,000 hours.
• 57:12
  Here's my other one.
• 57:13
  Humiliation.
• 57:14
  No.
• 57:16
  Oh, did I say that about the guy trying on your clothes?
• 57:19
  Yeah.
• 57:20
  No.
• 57:20
  Yeah.
• 57:20
  I just really wanted you to humiliate another human being.
• 57:24
  I've done it.
• 57:25
  All right.
• 57:26
  So that's the two words that jumped out at me.
• 57:28
  So I didn't say your word, but I also didn't say your decoy word.
• 57:32
  You did not.
• 57:33
  When did you say your word?
• 57:36
  I said it in the invention of the week.
• 57:44
  Okay.
• 57:44
  You want to know what it is?
• 57:46
  Yeah, I do.
• 57:49
  Don't take this personally because I do actually mean what I say.
• 57:53
  But you bring a certain artistry to the invention of the week.
• 57:57
  It doesn't look like work when you do it.
• 57:59
  Artistry.
• 57:59
  Oh, you cloaked me in compliments.
• 58:02
  Yep.
• 58:03
  I got you.
• 58:05
  Damn.
• 58:05
  Your wife alert was going off.
• 58:09
  My patch was patching.
• 58:11
  Yeah.
• 58:11
  You didn't even notice.
• 58:13
  What was your decoy?
• 58:14
  domesticity joe actually laughed when i said it i literally forgot to write that one down i'm so
• 58:22
  glad because i probably would have said it as your word yeah yeah because it was it was i liked it
• 58:27
  because it was like the way that i said it was like just awkward enough to be noticeable
• 58:31
  dang it i wish you had written it down damn you francis why don't you pay more attention
• 58:37
  damn me to the space station um when did you say your word
• 58:43
  I don't remember the exact specifics
• 58:47
  but as she guesses I will prove to you that I said it
• 58:50
  well I don't have any good guesses for you
• 58:54
  is your secret word genia
• 58:57
  your own personal plural for genius
• 59:00
  is your secret word poober
• 59:01
  I'm going now
• 59:05
  no and no
• 59:08
  is your i would guess for your decoy word what is it is it hippa no but that was i that was very
• 59:21
  funny like why did i say it yeah it was so weird that you said it but and then i repeated it because
• 59:27
  it was so weird i was like no why did i do that my word if you're ready i'm ready miss jackson
• 59:33
  is overstimulate.
• 59:36
  That was not your word.
• 59:39
  What?
• 59:40
  It was?
• 59:42
  Overestimate.
• 59:47
  That's why I said,
• 59:49
  did you say,
• 59:50
  that's why I was like,
• 59:51
  did you say that Jenna overstimulated you?
• 59:54
  Because I thought,
• 59:55
  maybe you meant to say.
• 59:56
  What if you wrote it down wrong?
• 59:57
  No, it was overestimate, 100%.
• 59:59
  Yay.
• 1:00:03
  so you don't even get a point for saying your word
• 1:00:08
  Jenna's putting her hands up
• 1:00:11
  oh you can hear me pumping my fists
• 1:00:15
  yeah listeners yeah
• 1:00:16
  I'm making ground by proxy
• 1:00:18
  Francis and I's wife alerts are going off the charts right now
• 1:00:23
  neither one of you trust the other one
• 1:00:24
  my patch is filling with rage
• 1:00:26
  damn
• 1:00:30
  there's no way to really know
• 1:00:33
  uh well we have to go by our producer we do there's no history on that that's why he's here
• 1:00:43
  there's no history on it but also i i always show you the word and then i put it on my lap
• 1:00:48
  and then i double check it as i'm writing it so odds are that it's overestimate okay i accept
• 1:00:55
  i accept okay i'm gonna go in my room and massage myself
• 1:01:01
  Well, no one guessed anyone's word, so the net result, I think, is just plus one for Jenna.
• 1:01:10
  Yes.
• 1:01:11
  So Jenna's up, but not by a lot.
• 1:01:13
  Yeah.
• 1:01:14
  But that's okay.
• 1:01:14
  I'll take my gains however I can get them.
• 1:01:16
  What was your decoy word?
• 1:01:18
  Overestimate.
• 1:01:19
  No, it was amendments.
• 1:01:22
  When did you say amendments?
• 1:01:23
  During invention of the week.
• 1:01:24
  I'm going to make a few amendments to this.
• 1:01:26
  Oh.
• 1:01:28
  Wow.
• 1:01:28
  I can't believe I bungled it.
• 1:01:30
  Hey, I've done that before.
• 1:01:31
  You're in good company.
• 1:01:33
  I know.
• 1:01:35
  You're still all invited to my spaceship.
• 1:01:37
  Thank you.
• 1:01:39
  I appreciate it.
• 1:01:42
  Well, this has been a vacation episode of Very Fine Friends.
• 1:01:51
  Bye.
• 1:01:52
  My bad.
• 1:01:53
  I was going to say bonus.
• 1:01:54
  Bonus.
• 1:01:55
  Bye.
• 1:01:56
  Bonus.
• 1:01:57
  Genius.
• 1:01:58
  Genius.
• 1:02:01
  Uber.
• 1:02:01
  We'll be right back.