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My Ex Husband Brought Me Abroad So I Could Find My Soulmate · DidiLawren

• 0:09
  Hello and welcome back to another episode of Battered
• 0:11
  Laurentia. How are you all doing?
• 0:12
  I hope you're doing great. Now, for today's episode, I
• 0:15
  don't want to talk about AFCON. I just want to talk about our
• 0:18
  issues. Jack McCourt?
• 0:21
  Sure. This is becoming a problem.
• 0:24
  For those of you on social media, you've seen a lot of
• 0:27
  people complain about bringing their wives or coming with their
• 0:30
  partners to the abroad in the UK, US, Canada, wherever they
• 0:37
  relocated to. And a lot of them are coming out
• 0:40
  sports. Men and women are coming out to
• 0:43
  either complain or to talk about their experiences of living
• 0:48
  Nigeria as a married couple and then coming to the abroad to
• 0:52
  experience a different kind of arrangement either in their love
• 0:56
  life, in their married life, or just with the role change as we
• 1:03
  all know it in a traditional sense of it.
• 1:05
  Now let me just say this, a lot of people have complained, most
• 1:10
  especially men. They've complained that some of
• 1:13
  their wives or some of them, not everybody because some people
• 1:17
  have actually relocated and have good marriages.
• 1:21
  I know of a couple who in less than five years they bought a
• 1:25
  house and they're happy she is working, he is working.
• 1:30
  But The thing is they when you plan your travel properly, let's
• 1:35
  say you get a job or your husband gets a job from Nigeria
• 1:39
  is not about the students route. I think the pressure is less
• 1:43
  when let's say you or your partner gets a job before
• 1:47
  relocating. It's so easy.
• 1:50
  Maybe you're a nurse or maybe your husband is an IT or you're
• 1:54
  an IT. Like there is a job already
• 1:57
  before you locate from wherever you're going to now.
• 2:02
  The pressure is less because you're getting in.
• 2:05
  You hit the ground running, you're earning money.
• 2:08
  You're just going to struggle for, let's say a month or two
• 2:11
  before you now get into the habit of living in a different
• 2:17
  country. Yes, they're going with cultural
• 2:19
  shock, but you would not have money problems.
• 2:21
  You will not have a problem of OK, I am a student.
• 2:24
  I'm trying to get a job, my wife is this like the the the
• 2:28
  pressure will be less. Most of the time when you see
• 2:31
  people having issues in Jackman marriages and all that, it is
• 2:35
  because they don't understand. Or you know, when you're in
• 2:40
  Nigeria, you're planning to travel, you're thinking you're
• 2:43
  going to go to this place. Everything is going to be rosy.
• 2:45
  Yes, you've heard about challenges that people face, but
• 2:49
  you're thinking there's always that mindset of my story will be
• 2:54
  different or my kids will be different or I have people
• 2:59
  around me that is going to make it easier for me.
• 3:01
  But the reality is there is always a process and you cannot
• 3:06
  skip some of these processes. You come in, you have to do some
• 3:11
  certain things or you have to even get your stay physically.
• 3:17
  Let's say you come in as a student, either the husband or
• 3:20
  the wife is doing his or her masters.
• 3:23
  You have to go to school, be able to go to school.
• 3:27
  Most times you don't even pay your school fees in full.
• 3:29
  So you're hustling to get school fees.
• 3:31
  You're hustling to pay the bills you're hustling to.
• 3:34
  Like you find out that yes these two people came in as a cop who
• 3:38
  most times maybe newlyweds or maybe people who have been in
• 3:43
  family situations where as a married couple maybe they were
• 3:47
  not even that close to each other.
• 3:51
  But then coming to the UK or coming to their abroad wherever
• 3:56
  they the, the they are relocated to with that pressure of now the
• 4:01
  money is not just a husband that is providing.
• 4:04
  He also have to like take care of the kids.
• 4:06
  Because if the two of you are now India abroad, the man maybe
• 4:12
  walking day and going to school or maybe going to school during
• 4:16
  the day and working during the night.
• 4:18
  There's always going to be that trying to balance the whole
• 4:21
  thing. Because for you to survive you
• 4:23
  have to be able to work and earn money especially as somebody
• 4:26
  that is new, you're not earning, you know high, you're not a high
• 4:31
  level earner. So you have to work a lot of
• 4:33
  hours for you to be able to afford basic things.
• 4:36
  And most times this couple also have to save money to pay school
• 4:41
  fees. In terms of those, most of them,
• 4:42
  they come in as students. So the pressure, I understand
• 4:47
  the pressure like I was a student, I was single, in fact I
• 4:51
  had my fees paid and I know the pressure I went through to be
• 4:56
  able to even graduate because you're working.
• 4:59
  So still I was in London, it was so crazy expensive.
• 5:03
  You still have to work to pay your bills.
• 5:06
  Then just imagine you're still working, not just paying your
• 5:10
  bills and taking care of wife and possibly a kid.
• 5:15
  You are also saving to pay your school fees.
• 5:18
  So the pressure is a lot and it can drive anybody crazy.
• 5:22
  So most times when people are thinking, ohh, it is the abroad,
• 5:27
  let's say women coming here and then feeling like you know they
• 5:31
  have arrived. That is what causes, you know,
• 5:34
  the pressure. That is not true, the new
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  environment alone, the cultural shock alone will give you
• 5:42
  anxiety then coupled with the fact that maybe you're somebody
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  because not everybody, not every couple have problems.
• 5:49
  When the man who is the head of the home understand that OK, you
• 5:53
  know, most times they say it is women that make a marriage work
• 5:56
  or make a homework. That is not true.
• 5:59
  Because whatever you bring is what she's going to multiply.
• 6:02
  If you bring pain, she's going to multiply pain to you.
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  If you bring peace, she's going to multiply that peace.
• 6:10
  If you bring money, she's like if you marry a good woman or if
• 6:14
  you decide to go and marry a not so because I believe everybody
• 6:20
  is good. Maybe you just choose the wrong
• 6:22
  person for you because you can get somebody who is You think
• 6:26
  that person is the the devil Incarnate and somebody else
• 6:33
  might get that person and think, OK, this is the the best thing
• 6:36
  since sliced bread. So everybody is good depending
• 6:40
  on who you're choosing to do life with.
• 6:44
  So if you have chosen that woman or that man based on whatever
• 6:49
  reason that you you've chosen that person, you know who you
• 6:52
  are getting married to or you know who you married.
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  Now knowing that fact from Nigeria having done marriage or
• 7:00
  having dated or having gotten like a newlywed relocating.
• 7:05
  I am very sure you know who you married.
• 7:07
  If you married somebody who is a very traditional woman where you
• 7:13
  provide and you're happy to provide as a traditional man and
• 7:17
  then she's happy to, as a traditional wife, do everything
• 7:22
  that a wife does. Let's say, take care of you,
• 7:25
  maybe wake up 3:30 in the morning to prepare your lunch
• 7:27
  for you to go to work, like just do those kind of things.
• 7:31
  And she's happy to do that because you're provided.
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  Now if you're not relocating to a different place, let's say UK,
• 7:36
  US, Canada. And she, she has to work to
• 7:39
  support you because most times these people go as students.
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  So husband is working and going to school and trying to pay the
• 7:47
  rest of the school fees. So now woman will have to chip
• 7:50
  in. That woman will have to support
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  that husband now. She is now coming into your
• 7:57
  role, you know, helping you out, going out there, working, ending
• 8:02
  money to either pay the bills or to put it towards the savings of
• 8:07
  paying your school fees. Whatever that situation is, she
• 8:10
  is now taking some responsibility off of you.
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  But what happens is that the man on the other side doesn't think,
• 8:18
  OK, I need to maybe wash the plates or my wife is tired, she
• 8:22
  went to work. I need to help her just prepare
• 8:26
  dinner so that when she comes back she could have something to
• 8:28
  eat. Most Nigerian men will not do
• 8:31
  that. They will still sit down.
• 8:32
  She will go to work, come back, going to the kitchen, prepare
• 8:36
  food while he's sitting now, fiddling with the remotes or
• 8:40
  watching AFCON, basically, you know, and then she'll do all
• 8:43
  those things as she she will still serve you as the husband.
• 8:46
  Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but if
• 8:50
  as a traditional person, you married a traditional woman who
• 8:54
  believes that her husband is supposed to provide for her, and
• 8:58
  you as a traditional man, you believe that your wife will have
• 9:02
  to do everything for you, let's say cook, clean.
• 9:06
  You know, just cater for your needs because that is what you,
• 9:10
  and there's nothing wrong with that.
• 9:12
  But if you're now leaving the comfort of that traditional
• 9:16
  environment to come to the abroad, now there's a role
• 9:23
  change. Most times, you know, not really
• 9:26
  a role change, but you have to like step into each other's role
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  to be able to make things work. Let's say a man is thinking, OK,
• 9:36
  yeah, I have the money, I paid my school fees, I will just come
• 9:39
  work and money. And then you are in a situation
• 9:42
  whereby for you to even pass to get to the next level, you have
• 9:47
  to attend lectures, you have to go to to school, you have to
• 9:51
  study, you have to. So you could see that you will
• 9:55
  need your wife's help to work and earn some money.
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  Whether that conversation was had or not, she will go out
• 10:03
  there to work. Now this is a traditional woman.
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  You are a traditional man. But if you as a man don't step
• 10:10
  into her role like she is stepping into your role to help
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  you with, you know, whatever she's helping with you, with
• 10:17
  whatever money she's bringing in you as a man who also have to
• 10:22
  help her, let's say in her own traditional role, let's say
• 10:26
  cooking, cleaning or just like really works.
• 10:32
  It works. But most times when things don't
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  work like that is when you have two traditional people moving to
• 10:41
  the UK and the woman most times will because she she wants to
• 10:45
  earn money. So she would want to go out
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  there to earn money. She would not have a problem
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  with that but and the man would not have a problem with her help
• 10:53
  him because he is he needs staff financial support but then he
• 10:59
  would not want to think about helping her in the in the her
• 11:03
  own traditional role. So it becomes complicated and
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  people start having issues. There's this lady that gave an
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  example when you know everybody was discussing this issue of
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  Japan marriage. Jackman women, especially
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  Nigerian women, travelling with their husbands and then leaving
• 11:20
  their husbands abroad. She give an example.
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  She said, listen, she was in Nigeria, she was in, she was
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  here I think a doctor or a nurse, a medical practitioner, I
• 11:29
  don't know, can't remember right now.
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  So she said she was working, she was earning her money as she was
• 11:34
  giving her husband all the money to be a submissive wife, you
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  know, she will get the salary, she will give it to her husband
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  and then the husband will give her allowance out of that money.
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  She said she did that for a very long time, not because she
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  wanted to do it but because, you know, the husband demanded it
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  from her. And just imagine you're working
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  and somebody may lessen you're earning 100 pounds to naira or
• 12:01
  dollar and then out of that money somebody's giving you 10%
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  of what you're earning. Not because they couldn't say
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  OK, take this money and and you you don't see what they're using
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  it for because most times they will.
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  Just because they, they believe that their demand, they will
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  spend it whatever way they want to spend their thinking, yes,
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  you have to be submissive. If you marry that kind of
• 12:26
  person, there's no problem. But people change people.
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  You have to change with people. You have to grow with people.
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  That is the essence of marriage. Even in families.
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  You grow with your siblings and you grow with, you know,
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  cousins, everybody. At some point you could see that
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  the person you knew 10 years ago is no longer the person you know
• 12:45
  today and you have to adjust to that change.
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  But most times in all these jackpot marriages, people don't
• 12:52
  adjust to change. So the lady was saying that when
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  she got to is it UK or US? Immediately she said any money,
• 13:01
  she just discarded the husband. I know it sounds horrible, but
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  she said she just waited to get to the UK because she knew she
• 13:12
  couldn't do all those things in Nigeria.
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  She couldn't resist in Nigeria she just decided, OK, let me
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  just get myself out of this situation and once I'm in a
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  place where I have some level of leeway of freedom, I could do
• 13:29
  what I want to do. So most times when you see
• 13:32
  marriages ending, it is not because these people were so
• 13:36
  happy. Namely, the husband thought the
• 13:38
  marriage is good because if you are dominating somebody, if
• 13:43
  you're like a tyrant or a dictator in your home, the woman
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  may not even have a choice. She will just have to do
• 13:51
  whatever you're asking her to do.
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  And you you're thinking you have a happy home, you're going out,
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  you're cheating, you're using her money to chase side chick
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  and all that. And she's most times Nigerian
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  women will not even want to leave marriages because they
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  think, OK, this is, you know, it's it's a status thing.
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  But then when you come to the abroad, nobody really, as long
• 14:14
  as you're happy, nobody really cares.
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  You know, you whether you're married or not, to be honest
• 14:20
  with you, you don't go looking for a job and somebody said, are
• 14:22
  you married? If you're not married, you're
• 14:23
  not giving you this job or you don't go to buy a house.
• 14:26
  And somebody says and they tell you, ohh, if you're not married,
• 14:29
  where is your husband? To signs like that is not.
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  Once you can afford certain things yourself, you can live
• 14:36
  your life in the diaspora. So for me, I think it's not
• 14:41
  about people saying that they were happy before they relocated
• 14:46
  or the women changed after they relocated.
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  No, the point is, how was your marriage?
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  How was it where if you're being all these people talking about
• 14:57
  who their wife left him, if they were being honest with
• 15:00
  themselves, they would know that it wasn't a good situation.
• 15:05
  You might think it was a good situation for you because she
• 15:10
  was being submissive. She was doing everything we're
• 15:12
  asking her to do. But was she happy?
• 15:16
  Will she actually happy. So there was this other lady who
• 15:19
  said she she's she was thanking her husband for bringing her to
• 15:25
  to the UK to meet her soul mates.
• 15:27
  You robbed a whole lot of people the wrong way because people are
• 15:29
  thinking the audacity of you to to use your husband to get to
• 15:34
  the UK knowing that you're going to leave him.
• 15:37
  Nobody leaves a good situation especially for women.
• 15:41
  We have been conditioned that marriage is an achievement.
• 15:44
  Marriage is is your better right.
• 15:47
  Like whether it doesn't matter who you marry as long as you're
• 15:50
  you're married, you know this is what we're told.
• 15:54
  But nobody, no, no woman I think would get married to somebody
• 15:59
  and then leave that situation. If it's a good situation,
• 16:04
  regardless of how good you think you are as a man or as a woman,
• 16:08
  you may get somebody who that doesn't work for the both of you
• 16:12
  and it becomes a bad situation. So what I will say is anybody
• 16:17
  that is in Africa or in Nigeria planning to travel as a couple.
• 16:22
  I mean it is good to travel as a couple because you get somebody
• 16:26
  who can support you. Maybe you're down.
• 16:29
  The person can pick you up or the person is down, you can like
• 16:32
  that support system is needed. OK, so I would not never say you
• 16:37
  know don't travel as a couple or I would even advocate for people
• 16:40
  to travel as a couple because listen the cultural shock is is
• 16:45
  very good to have somebody who will be there for you or you
• 16:49
  have the same experience or similar experiences that you're
• 16:53
  going through. So it is good to travel as a
• 16:56
  couple. But before you travel as a
• 16:57
  couple, sit down tell yourself the honest truth.
• 17:01
  Are you treating this person well.
• 17:04
  If your daughter was your wife, would you and and your you could
• 17:09
  see how you know you as a man was treating your daughter?
• 17:15
  Would that make you proud? Would that make you happy?
• 17:18
  That's OK. I my daughter is in good hands.
• 17:21
  If the answer is no, then you are heading for disaster because
• 17:25
  you're going to come here and she's going to leave you and
• 17:27
  you're going to come to social media to cry to say that oh, you
• 17:31
  know, marriages and abroad doesn't work.
• 17:33
  No, you have the wrong formula. OK, so sit down, think about it.
• 17:39
  If it's good to counselling before you travel, do everything
• 17:43
  possible to know that you've done your part and you're ready
• 17:46
  to adjust to whatever changes that you know you're going to
• 17:49
  meet in wherever you are. But also if at the end of the
• 17:53
  day, it turns out that your partner just left you high and
• 17:57
  dry, it still boils down to you. You chose that far.
• 18:02
  You chose that partner. It has nothing to do with
• 18:05
  abroad. It has nothing to do with
• 18:07
  Jackman marriage. It has nothing to do with all.
• 18:09
  You had a very excellent marriage.
• 18:12
  And now it is your choice if he has everything to do with your
• 18:17
  choice. At the same time, let's learn to
• 18:19
  change. Let's learn to adjust.
• 18:22
  Let's learn, unlearn and relearn certain things.
• 18:26
  It's partnership. If people understand that
• 18:29
  marriage in this day and age is partnership, a whole lot of
• 18:33
  people will be happier in their marriages and will have less
• 18:37
  people having problems anyway. That's all I have to say for
• 18:40
  today. Today's episode is once again
• 18:42
  sponsored by the deputies wigs. So this is on the screen.
• 18:46
  We sell wholesale retail. And if you want to partner with
• 18:49
  us, let us know. And you know, we talk.
• 18:52
  So thank you very much for watching today's.
• 18:53
  So please like, like, like and share.
• 18:55
  Thank you very much. Bye, bye.