Latest / Inspiring Stories / Finding a true Path through grief Marie Belanic

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Finding a true Path through grief Marie Belanic · Inspiring Stories

0:03
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to pictures media radio.
0:26
Speaker 2: Rat you readying to me? Oh will.
0:52
Speaker 3: Well bad? Stop along you?
1:09
Speaker 4: I just need.
1:14
Speaker 5: So lash.
1:20
Speaker 3: Along you?
1:27
Speaker 2: Is it dead.
1:32
Speaker 5: Event?
1:37
Speaker 6: Some of the traditional ways of the psychological ways that
1:42
they say you're supposed to did twelve stages blah blah
1:44
blah sort of thing. It kind of it's trying to
1:48
force people to work against uh nature. That was one
1:53
of the things I liked about your process was you,
1:57
Oh thinks.
1:58
Speaker 4: I never even thought about that. You were basically yeah,
2:02
I kind of work with what works for people. There
2:05
isn't like saying, you know, you're supposed to doing this
2:08
and this and this. I really believe that we all
2:11
have our own inner wisdom, that intuition that is telling
2:16
us what we need. We're just not listening to it.
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Speaker 6: There it is, we're not listening to it. With that
2:24
being said, why don't we get started? Welcome back, everybody.
2:28
Our next guest is a Beret mom and grief coach.
2:34
Marie is a passionate advocate for normalizing grief and dedicated
2:41
to empowering grieving hearts. As a Beret mom and a
2:45
grief coach, Marie has transformed her profound loss into a
2:52
mission to support others. After the passing away of her
2:56
son and the pressure to conform to traditional stages of grief,
3:05
Marie created a unique program to help women navigate their
3:11
grief journey. Her approach focuses on letting go of self
3:17
judgment and finding pockets of peace. You know, I like
3:24
what Marie is saying with this, and grief is normal
3:30
and we're at some point or another, we all will
3:33
go through it. And for myself, having lost a few
3:40
loved ones that I know that i'll see something that
3:46
reminds me of them and you have a moment of
3:50
grief and then you move on. But it's not something that, oh,
3:57
you just have to let go of the your loved ones.
4:04
It's also about for me, it's a process of holding
4:09
on to the memories and keeping that person alive in
4:13
my heart. So with that being said, why don't we
4:19
give a warm welcome to Marie as we introduce her
4:22
to the show something So welcome to the show, Marie.
4:57
It's great to have you. I always of meeting up
5:00
with you. It's pretty fun. So it's of course it's
5:08
his bereaved mom and coach. Well, the brief mom definitely
5:13
comes first, doesn't it, So it really does what happened
5:19
in your life, and why don't we go through that
5:24
just for a few minutes so people can kind of
5:27
understand who you are.
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Speaker 4: Okay, Well, thank you, Michael, and I want to say
5:30
thank you. I always love chatting with you and being
5:34
your guest. It's always a delight. Yeah, I know, I've
5:38
finally have chosen to be a bereaved mom. For the
5:42
longest time, I used to say I was a griever,
5:45
a grieving mom because I used to put grief in
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there and people would go, oh, it just happened, and
5:51
it's like, no, it happened many years ago. So my
5:55
son long story short. I mean my son had cancer cancer,
6:00
leukemia for eleven years, and you know, we went through
6:04
that cycle of ups and downs of cancer and it
6:08
just became a way of life. The reason I'm saying
6:11
this is because a lot of people have always told me,
6:14
but you knew he was gonna die. I kind of
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look at it, going, yeah, we all know we are,
6:20
but it still doesn't stop us from living. So part
6:24
of that was, yes, I knew my son had cancer.
6:27
He knew he had cancer. We had been living with it.
6:30
For eleven years and kind of you know, you sort
6:34
of think, yeah, this is the way life is going
6:36
to be constantly, so this is what we got used to,
6:40
this is what we thought. So when he did die,
6:44
it was unexpected and because of that, and I always
6:51
go whether you know that someone has an illness, whether
6:55
they don't, there is still that shock when someone passes away,
7:00
especially when it's your loved one, because the expectation is
7:04
that they're still going to be there forever. And that
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is what so I kind of went into this numbness,
7:14
like all of a sudden, your heart feels like it's
7:17
shattered into pieces. I went into this numbness of wanting
7:23
to wake up, going this must be a bad dream.
7:28
Like I don't even like horror movies, why am I
7:31
in one? And so that's almost like for the first
7:36
year is what I kind of felt like that when
7:40
was I going to wake up? And every time I
7:41
heard a noise, it's almost like, Okay, I'll just turn
7:46
around and he'll be there. And a lot of people
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and this is one of the reasons why I became
7:52
a grief coach, is because a lot of times people
7:55
will say, oh, there's these stages you're in that denial stage. Well,
8:00
it's not really a denial because I knew who had died.
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It's just sometimes I think our brain is protecting us
8:08
because all of a sudden it's a shock to our system.
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We're thinking we're in a bad dream that we're going
8:14
to wake up from, and we're kind of like, so
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they'll just turn around and they'll be there, and yes,
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I'll know that it's a bad dream, which of course
8:25
didn't happen. And then as my journey and grief had
8:30
gotten then it's almost like I always go people kind
8:34
of think that once the funeral is over, that's it,
8:37
You're back to what was, and it's kind of like, yet, no,
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you know, my son died. When your loved one passes away,
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there is no back to normal. And then what I
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found was, as the years went by, I was getting
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told more and more about why am I not better,
9:00
Why am I stuck? Why am I still blah blah
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blah into the grieving, And so what I found is
9:06
that I was regressing in the sense of repressing my feelings,
9:13
being more like, you know, presenting this mask up to
9:18
the public going oh, yeah, everything's fine, because I was
9:21
still working things like that, but underneath it felt a
9:26
total mess. So I kind of go for ten years,
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I felt like I lost who I was and I
9:34
lost my life because I don't remember. It's a blur.
9:37
So for ten years it kind of felt like I
9:39
was stuck. I was going through the motions of life,
9:43
but I wasn't really present, like if you were to
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tell me what was in there, I kind of like,
9:48
I don't know. I look at life as the before
9:51
and after, before my son was alive, after my son,
9:56
and that's how I can only remember things.
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Speaker 6: Yeah, that's wow. That that that was pretty heavy, And
10:08
you must have been pretty close with your son.
10:12
Speaker 4: I think one of the things is that we had
10:15
a relationship. And also because of his cancer, I was
10:20
the one that was always went to his appointments. So
10:23
my son was sixteen when he was diagnosed and he
10:26
was twenty seven when he passed away. But I went
10:29
to all him his appointments. I was basically, as he
10:34
used to call me, I was his pr person. So
10:37
whenever he was in the hospital, I actually moved in
10:40
usually like and if they didn't allow me to move in,
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I'd be there like first thing in the morning and
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leave it the last person to be there and then
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kind of do that whenever he was, so he kind
10:54
of knew that I was there, I would do that.
10:56
I'd call the grunge work. You know, patients were the hospital,
11:01
they want their pillows change, they want the water, they
11:04
want the so and they can't get up. So of
11:08
course they're clicking right asking for the nurses. Well, the
11:11
nurses are overworked, and so I kind of look at
11:15
it going, you know, we're actually doing a service doing
11:19
this grunge work. Like I'm not saying, you know, it's
11:23
beneath me or anything, because of course this is my child.
11:26
I don't care how old he is. I would be
11:28
doing it. You go get the extra blankets, you go
11:30
get the little things that they need. Flip over a pillow,
11:34
you move them over.
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Speaker 6: Well, I kind of understand that one because I have
11:40
two children, and with God's graces, they're they're both healthy
11:44
and doing well. But when they were born, they is
11:55
a medical terms called help syndrome. My wife at the
12:00
time suffer from it and the other one my my
12:04
other ex wife. She had uh she could get pregnant,
12:09
she could carry, but there was a certain point where
12:12
she started getting sick automatically because of something with with
12:16
her wound, you know. But but so so they both
12:20
had to spend a lengthy amount of time in the hospital.
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It's like, of course, when I I would go there
12:28
before going to work, I would get up, start my day,
12:31
give get myself all ready to go to the hospital,
12:34
fluff for pillows, make sure she had lots of juice,
12:37
and all of those those little inty bitty things that
12:41
we said, oh, the nurse could do that. Well I
12:44
did all those old, itty bitty things instead of allowing
12:46
the nurse to do it, because because that's the person
12:49
that I loved. You know. It's like, so no, it's
12:53
not beneath you, you you, It's an act of love.
12:58
Speaker 4: And so true. And one of the things also is
13:03
that you know, the for the patient, whether it was
13:08
your your ex or my son, they actually feel more
13:12
comfortable that they have someone there that is actually looking
13:16
after them and is doing things out of love. And
13:21
I think that also helps them in their recovery or
13:28
even in making them feel comfortable. I mean, I know
13:32
with my son, every time he was in the hospital,
13:35
when I was there, he felt secure. It was like,
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I know, my mom's got my back, right, because I
13:42
would also be advocate, Like if he couldn't speak, I
13:45
would be the one who would speak. I would be
13:48
the one who would look out for what changes there were.
13:52
And this isn't about putting the medical field down because
13:55
they are doing an excellent job of what they can. Again,
13:58
they have so many diff different patients. They could be
14:03
in one spot at one time and they can't see.
14:06
Speaker 6: Everything, right, That's the whole point that they is like
14:11
when our loved one is in is in the hospital,
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is it's like we have one patient, well, the doctor
14:18
and the nurses used to I have a whole floor.
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So if I I if I can assist them a
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little bit, you know, and at the same time, I'm like,
14:30
I'm providing love for for for my loved one who's.
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Speaker 4: There, right, So true, so true.
14:37
Speaker 6: So it's when you said for was eleven years.
14:42
Speaker 4: Eleven years. Yeah, yeah, it h right. It's one of
14:47
those things where I always go when cancer enters your life,
14:52
you kind of get used to that roller coaster ride.
14:57
I mean there were highs and lows, uh, you know,
15:00
things seemed to go fine, and all of a sudden
15:01
we were in crisis mode. Yeah, where you needed emergency surgeries,
15:06
you needed treatments, so yeah, I mean basically, so I
15:11
went with him to all of his appointments, whether it
15:16
was with the oncologist, whether he was having treatments, like,
15:19
I would be the one who would be sitting beside
15:22
him if he had emergency surgeries, I would be the one.
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I mean, Okay, I wasn't in the operating room because
15:29
they wouldn't allow me in there.
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Speaker 6: But yeah, but he knew your spirit was was there
15:36
with him still, right, Yeah, And.
15:39
Speaker 4: I would be sitting at the hospital in the waiting room,
15:41
so he and I think that's part of sort of
15:47
knowing that someone's there for you. Yeah, right, because that
15:51
would be something that I would always tell him, i
15:53
can't be there physically for you, but I'm surrounding you,
15:55
And I would say, who I'm sending in with him
16:00
up from the spirit realm?
16:02
Speaker 6: Well why not? Right? You know, kids, I totally believe
16:07
in the spirit realm, And those who are listening they
16:11
know that I actually did an interview with a lady
16:14
who definitely speaks with angels and it was probably because
16:21
of that that we actually found each other. So, oh, yeah,
16:27
I don't believe in blind chances, there's cause and effect.
16:33
Speaker 4: So yeah, yeah, all right, we're supposed to meet the
16:35
people who were supposed to meet. And that's even some
16:39
of the things that I found, even when we were
16:41
in the hospital, I think because of what I was doing,
16:46
it actually gave courage to other people to kind of go, hey,
16:51
I can do what she's doing. And there were other
16:54
people that ended up. I remember speaking to a woman
16:56
whose husband was in the hospital and she kind of went, ria,
17:00
I saw what you did. So I kind of went, yeah,
17:03
I'm moving in here too.
17:06
Speaker 6: There you go. And the hospital does provide sometimes that
17:10
ability for you to move in sometimes I'm not going
17:12
to say all the time.
17:14
Speaker 4: Sometimes it does, and I just kind of did anyways,
17:16
whether they wanted it or yeah. Yeah, So sometimes I
17:22
wasn't the well liked person in but.
17:25
Speaker 6: That's the ide did That's that's your empowerment part.
17:29
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, yeah, and so this is it. I mean,
17:34
this is what the woman said. She kind of goes
17:36
she she probably saved her husband's life because in the
17:39
middle of the night he fell, and she had been
17:42
there and had seen that, because otherwise, sometimes you know,
17:47
you fall, no one's there.
17:50
Speaker 6: That's another problem that we're going to say, say for
17:55
another time, because that that could be quite the rabbit hole.
18:00
Speaker 4: Uh, they we won't go down there.
18:03
Speaker 6: You're not going down the day we have.
18:05
Speaker 4: Conversations, we kind of go off a tangent. I will
18:07
stay on topic.
18:09
Speaker 6: Yeah, But but I can kind of understand because you
18:19
because I've I've heard this story out of out of
18:22
another another grief uh specialist that I know. And I'm
18:29
going to actually give Laura Laane a bit of a
18:32
shout out there and and tell people that they should
18:36
that they have a kid, socially young kid in in
18:40
the hospital, that there's a product out there called the
18:45
Stronger Planner and if you go to stronger Planner dot
18:48
Com that you will find Laura Lane's work on that. So,
18:57
but she said something in her story something similar to
19:01
what you did. It's like cancer just moved in. It's
19:06
that that guess is the unexpected guests that just doesn't
19:11
want to leave your family.
19:14
Speaker 4: Yeah, And and I don't know, I mean my attitude
19:18
is a little bit different. I know my son when
19:21
he was first diagnosed, had become depressed understandably, so he's
19:26
sixteen years old. Nobody wants to be told all right,
19:30
that you have something, and so I kind of let
19:35
him handle it for a while and then afterwards. So
19:38
for me, how I reframed it, and I'm going to
19:42
say reframed is that instead of using the word cancer,
19:45
I just went, you have a blood condition, okay, all right,
19:51
and kind of went, look, you know, we're we're all different.
19:55
We all have things that sometimes we're aware of, sometimes
19:58
maybe we're not aware of. Yeah, So saying it as
20:02
a condition was almost like saying, hey, you got blue eyes.
20:06
Somebody else's brown eyes. You know, some people have diabetes,
20:10
some people have epilepsy. So we'll treat it as that
20:14
and we'll just take it one day at a time
20:17
because we don't know what's going to happen. The doctors
20:20
didn't know what was going to happen, because it was
20:22
a rare blood disease that he had, Yeah, and so
20:26
they were they were kind of like, we don't know
20:28
what's going to happen. We'll just give him treatment when
20:30
he needs it kind of thing. And so has things happened,
20:34
And so that's the attitude that we ended up taking.
20:39
And so as soon as you say it's a condition,
20:42
all of a sudden it's downplaned, right, like people around
20:46
you start downplaying it. Rather than the big sea, it
20:51
becomes a little sea.
20:53
Speaker 6: Yeah. Well, my wife not wife, she actually has anemia,
21:01
you know, and it's still a blood condition. And at
21:06
times if I don't pump enough iron into her she
21:11
falls flat on her face. I'm joking, of course, but
21:15
but she has trouble getting up and doing stuff, you know.
21:19
So and blood is extremely important to us because he
21:24
carries all those nutrients, oxygen and all that sort of stuff,
21:28
and when you have a malfunction with it, it shows,
21:33
and it usually shows up pretty quick, doesn't it.
21:38
Speaker 4: You know what. I guess one of the aspects in
21:42
regards to my son, a lot of times on the
21:45
outside you really wouldn't know what was going on, but
21:49
on the inside it it really was. Because part of
21:54
what he had also affected his bone marrow. And so
22:01
like our our bodies are really great. They produce all
22:04
these things that I'm not in the medical field, but
22:07
I know it's magical and when something isn't working, the
22:13
magic kind of goes off. You know. It's like watching
22:16
a magic trick and you can see how someone's oh
22:19
that's that was a terrible trick, right, but when it's
22:22
done artfully, you're in awe, like it's like, wow, look
22:28
at that great magician. So in actual fact, I think
22:31
our bodies are like that in awe, Like when it's
22:35
done right, it is magical, awe inspiring. And when something
22:42
isn't right, you're right, it's off balance or off kilter
22:46
sort of yeah, yeah, right, And so that's what was
22:50
happening with my son. So I know one of the
22:53
doctors explained my son's I don't know if it's the
22:58
blood vessel he goes. Think of it as a highway.
23:03
This one is blocked like it's you know, the highway
23:07
that it's at a standstill. It's like bumper to bumper.
23:11
So now the blood has to use secondary arteries, like
23:14
the secondary streets, but they're getting busy now too because
23:19
it's getting plugged up. So then it's so when we're
23:23
dealing with like what he had. And then part of
23:28
the blood was also wasn't producing something right like as
23:32
platelets were up and so it was producing like a
23:36
solid mass and everything was getting plugged up. So a
23:40
lot of things. So part of it, which sometimes people
23:43
didn't understand, is that a common cold for my son,
23:47
could also be life threatening because basically if he were
23:52
to cough and stuff like that, he could start throwing
23:54
up blood and we'd have to go to the emergency
23:57
even a nosebleed, because he was also on blood thinner
24:00
to make sure that the blood was right, like that's
24:02
what people are on blood thinders. So there were a
24:05
lot of things going on, but nobody saw it because
24:09
it was all happening on the inside. And then it
24:12
was affecting his other organs. Yeah, and so when and
24:20
with our organs, you don't see it because everything's happening inside.
24:25
And so I think with my son, part of it
24:28
was he didn't really want people to know what he had,
24:32
so he you know, would still go to the gym
24:34
when he could, he'd work out. I mean, when you
24:37
looked at him, you thought he was a GQ model
24:39
kind of thing.
24:40
Speaker 6: Well, because I had to say, that's good for him,
24:42
because they probably helped extend that eleven years. It's extended
24:46
to the eleven years.
24:48
Speaker 4: Oh it, it probably did. And I think even a
24:51
psychologist had kind of said that because I had reframed it.
24:54
We weren't focusing on, oh my god, you have cancer.
24:58
What are we going to do it? Was like, yeah, okay,
25:01
you got cancer. It's a blood condition. What are we
25:03
doing about it? We'll just you know, it's an everyday fact.
25:06
And I think that's what it is. When we say
25:08
we move, it moves in with us. You just kind
25:11
of go, yeah, stuff happened. Sometimes you have an emergency surgery.
25:15
So you know, we'll deal with it as it is
25:20
the sort of thing.
25:21
Speaker 6: Yeah, well, well we can trip over. This is actually
25:27
a real life thing. This actually did happen. So I
25:29
tripped over their daughter's cat and they wound up in
25:33
emergency surgery. Uh over. Actually it's a series of surgeries
25:38
over five years. But hey, you don't you don't know.
25:45
You don't know what's going to happen in the next seconds, right,
25:49
So I thank you.
25:51
Speaker 4: So I always so from the cancer is now shifted
25:55
to grief has moved in. So I always call grief
25:59
now is my companion. It just walks with me.
26:03
Speaker 6: Well, depending on how you frame that, that's not so bad.
26:12
Speaker 4: Well, I think grief has this thing where everyone looks
26:16
at it like, oh, she's constantly sad. I always go,
26:21
if you really want to empty a room out, just
26:23
go in and go hey, I'm in grief. I'm grieving,
26:28
and people will just walk towards the other side, trying
26:31
to see how fast they can get out of the door.
26:33
People are uncomfortable speaking about grief because they what a
26:38
lot of people expect is they're going to get someone
26:41
who is, you know, teary eyed, sad, crying. And I
26:47
think this is how even the movies kind of portray it. Yes,
26:51
some people, that is how we deal with our emotions.
26:55
And that's okay because we're all I mean, I look
26:58
at it in emotion or emotions and think of it
27:03
as someone who's excited who wins the lottery. You're going
27:06
to have somebody who's jumping up and down and just
27:09
shouting and whatever, and then you're going to have someone
27:12
who quietly goes, yeah, I won. Is either one right
27:17
and how they do things, No, they're both are. That's
27:20
how their personality works, right, and grief is the same thing.
27:26
We're going to deal with it. However, we deal with emotions,
27:30
and yes, at times the emotions are so overwhelming that
27:37
it is going to be more of I'm not gonna
27:42
say demonstrative, but a lot of times we don't ourselves
27:46
don't even know what we're feeling because some is so
27:49
undescribable and how much the pain is.
27:52
Speaker 6: Yeah, with that being said, for myself, one of my
27:58
best friends passed the way and I found myself at
28:06
some point I was just becoming a little too snappy
28:09
of people, a little too much sarcasm.
28:13
Speaker 3: And.
28:15
Speaker 6: It was something that happened and I was and it
28:18
was like a mirror appeared and said, Oh, I need
28:23
to sit down with someone. I mean, and I want to.
28:29
I'm saying that because I also want people out there
28:31
who are listening to like, Hey, do you need that mirror?
28:37
Do you need that mirror to appear for you so
28:39
that you know no when or when you need need
28:42
the help, they need to sit down with you and
28:44
talk about it. Because grief of peers in different ways
28:48
it and sometimes we can we need help dealing with it.
28:51
Speaker 4: Right, Well, we need help and I always go support.
28:56
So I'm more of a peer to peer. Right, I'm
28:59
not a counselor. I'm not a therapist. So for me,
29:02
it's about acknowledging where someone is and meeting them exactly
29:06
where they're at. Because in our grief journeys, we're all
29:09
going to be at a different spot, a different place,
29:14
and part of it sometimes is, as you said, it's
29:17
bringing that awareness or recognizing what we're feeling. And it's
29:23
natural sometimes to be snappy. I mean, sometimes we can
29:27
be snappy because we're saddened by what has happened, and
29:33
someone else maybe laughing and things like that, and we're
29:35
kind of like, what the heck are you laughing for?
29:37
I know, I kind of get snappy when I'm at
29:39
a funeral because I'm thinking people shouldn't, you know, depending
29:43
on what it is. If a family or someone has
29:46
lost their loved one, take your conversation outside. Don't be
29:52
in front of that family, unless, of course, you're sharing
29:55
stories about their person. Most of the time they're not.
30:02
And that, I think is what happens in grief, is
30:07
that all of a sudden, we have the people who
30:11
are we think are our friends or family, those who
30:14
we love, are going to talk about our person, and
30:19
yet what happens is they kind of are silent, and
30:24
that silence hurts even more because as we remember someone,
30:30
because I always go, look, my son lived, I will
30:33
never forget him. And so if that makes me a
30:36
bereaved mom because I'm missing him, so be it, and
30:40
if someone doesn't like it, that's their problem, not mine. However,
30:45
when someone else mentions my son and says stories about him,
30:51
that actually, yes, it could bring sadness, but it also
30:54
brings joy because we it's through us and through the
31:01
stories that they are actually kept. You know, their memories
31:05
are alive. We know that they touched and impacted other
31:08
people's lives. And sometimes in grief it feels uncomfortable because
31:15
nobody wants to talk about them. I mean, they use
31:18
about oh well, we thought it would make you sad. Well,
31:20
guess what. I'd rather be sad and someone talking about
31:23
them than someone kind of almost pretending that he never existed.
31:29
Speaker 6: You know, I totally understand that we need to keep
31:33
sharing the stories because my it's my personal belief that
31:37
if we keep sharing the stories that they say that
31:39
they're kept alive. Yeah, oh so I get what you're saying, though,
31:48
is we need to keep talking and keep talking about
31:52
the who the person was and everything, right, even and
31:58
even if it is in front of you, it's like,
32:02
you know, we're taking if we were talking about your
32:05
son in front of you, that actually, especially if it's
32:09
a happy story, it kind of makes you feel good
32:11
to eat that he was happy, that he found that happiness.
32:14
Speaker 4: Right, Well, I think too. Part of it is that
32:18
it's be the same as your friend in the sense
32:22
of he would have had other friends. So if those
32:24
other friends share stories, sometimes that is a side that
32:28
maybe you hadn't seen of your friend. Or if your
32:30
friend's parents share stories about him, that would be something
32:34
that is a different aspect that you may not have known. Yeah, right,
32:39
It's not good or bad, it's just something that sometimes,
32:42
I mean, I look at my son and I'm going
32:44
I wouldn't have known every aspect of him because as
32:47
his mom, there are things that I know that, but
32:51
he would share different things with his friends, or the
32:53
experiences would be different of what he would share. Yeah,
32:59
and here those stories. It's kind of like wow, you know,
33:02
like it's kind of like it it really does. It
33:05
brings like this enlightenment and joy I always go in grief,
33:12
different emotions can coexist. Grief is actually a complex emotion.
33:19
I mean, I'm gonna call grief an emotion and it's complex,
33:23
and it's basically saying, look, sadness and joy can coexist.
33:28
You can be sad and you can be happy, you
33:31
could be angry, and you could be sad. So there's
33:34
a lot of emotions all together. And yet I'm like,
33:38
we accept it outside of grief, However, we kind of
33:44
don't want it inside of grief. Does that make sense?
33:48
Speaker 6: Kind of let's try it if it's just the library
33:52
a little more on.
33:53
Speaker 4: That, right, Like, I mean, when we're okay, I always
33:58
go I mean I still have not met a person
34:02
who is happy twenty four to seven. You know, there's this, right,
34:06
like we're supposed so when we're living life, we have
34:10
different emotions. People are activated by a different sense. I mean,
34:17
just in normal life without even experiencing loss. Yeah, and
34:25
when we experience loss all of a sudden the outside world,
34:31
all of a sudden, it's almost like, well, you are
34:33
allowed to have these emotions. Anything else after that means
34:38
you have to be better or you're stuck. And yet
34:46
life still happens, right, It's kind of like it's intertwined.
34:50
I'm doing this dance of intertwining.
34:53
Speaker 6: Yeah, Okay, then I kind of get what you're saying
34:57
with that, right, because like my friend I'm actually sitting
35:05
in her last office chair, you know, and I have
35:13
a little box of stuff that that was that was
35:17
hers and and she and she told me we never
35:20
actually had a chance to talk about what was supposed
35:23
to go where because it was hers was it was
35:26
a sudden thing, it was an accident. And I have,
35:32
you know, the the Buddhist uh bowl, the singing bowl
35:38
I have. I have her her singing bowl, and and
35:41
every now and again it's like it's like, you know,
35:44
I get stuck on something, something that she would have
35:47
helped me with, and I go and play with the
35:49
bowl and they sit in the chair and there's like
35:52
and all of a sudden an answer comes to me,
35:55
you know, sort of thing like that. But it's like,
35:59
but I tried to all of my loved ones that
36:03
have passed on. I try to make sure I have
36:05
something that that I'm still surrounded by their memory. I mean,
36:12
I guess maybe some would say that there's something wrong
36:14
with that, and others would say there's nothing wrong with that.
36:19
Speaker 1: Yeah.
36:19
Speaker 4: And part of that sharing, and I thank you so
36:23
much for sharing, is that when you're thinking at the
36:27
ball and it's hers, you have emotions that come up.
36:31
They could be sadness because she's not there, but there's
36:34
also the joy or the delight in knowing that this
36:38
bull was hers and you have it.
36:40
Speaker 6: Yeah. Well, the sadness is because I put it like this,
36:47
I said, sometimes you just wish that you could pick
36:49
up the phone and call them and tell them that, hey,
36:51
this is where I'm stuck right now. Can you help me? Yeah, well,
36:56
you can't do that. We don't have a phone line
36:58
that works that way. But but if you have something
37:04
that that that that you remember being full of their energy,
37:10
it's like that energy still it's still there.
37:13
Speaker 4: Mm hmm. So and I always go and I thank
37:17
you so much for sharing. Is that that's what we
37:21
need to have more of. That's why I'm on a
37:24
mission to normalize the conversation around grief is to actually
37:29
be able to say I can share these stories about
37:35
her or about our loved ones that are no longer
37:38
here and be okay with that and be acknowledged for
37:45
the missing of the physical presence.
37:48
Speaker 6: Yeah.
37:50
Speaker 4: And that's really what I think I'm more about, is
37:54
sort of saying, look, there is no right or wrong
37:57
way to grieve. Like I really totally believe that the
38:00
five stages, I mean, they were never really meant for grief.
38:05
But I don't know how they ended up getting there.
38:07
They were supposed to be meant for the five stages
38:09
of the dying, and I'm like, and I don't I
38:11
think even for the five stages of the dying, they
38:15
probably are out. I mean, I'm gonna call it the
38:18
BS because you know what, like when does life fit
38:24
into neat boxes? So all of a sudden death is
38:28
going to fit into a neat box? Or our emotions
38:34
are grief And I'm like, no, like, why are we
38:37
having like these boxes that we're supposed to tick. Yes,
38:41
there may be aspects of people like to say, like
38:46
we're in the denial stage or the anger. Well, you know,
38:50
in a lot of times we can be in the
38:52
denial of a lot of things. All Right, I kind
38:56
of look at it. I know that sugar isn't good
38:59
for me, but sometimes when I'm eating something, I'm in
39:03
denial that of what's going to happen.
39:07
Speaker 6: Yeah, well, I mean what do you think of this
39:11
that like the picture frame's behind you? People want that
39:16
to be grief, that it's framed nice and neat. Do
39:21
hear I have it? And then they put it back
39:24
on the wall.
39:27
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's pretty much what people sort of think it's
39:31
this nice neat box we put it in. We're done,
39:36
We're complete. I think a lot of people want. I mean,
39:39
we're in an instant society, and I can't say that
39:43
it's just from this, I think for the longest time,
39:47
I mean even throughout history, Yes, there were rituals that
39:51
people followed, and I have no idea when it kind
39:56
of started. Where you're sort of thinking, people stop talking
40:00
about the people who died. It was almost like, don't
40:05
say their names, and you're like why, Like I never
40:12
understood that. It was almost like they don't exist anymore.
40:18
And I think that what makes us all more fearful
40:24
and actually adds more stress to ourselves, especially to someone
40:29
who has experienced the loss of their loved one, because
40:33
all of a sudden, it's kind of like you feel alone,
40:37
like isolated, like there's no one to talk to, you
40:40
can't share your emotions. And that's really what I'm all about,
40:44
is I want someone to just share what their experience is,
40:50
to say I acknowledge what you went through. It's without judgment,
40:55
because it's like with everything else. I mean, as you said,
40:59
the picture behind me, I really like it. That's why
41:03
it's behind me. You may look at it and go, Maria,
41:06
like that picture is crap, Like why the heck do
41:11
you have it? Now, both of us are both right
41:17
because it's our own perspective. And so this is what
41:23
grief is like, is that it's from our own perspective.
41:28
And so making someone incorrect because of their feelings, how can.
41:34
Speaker 6: That be like, yeah, there's that's that's in no such
41:39
things sort of thing.
41:42
Speaker 3: Yeah.
41:43
Speaker 6: Yeah. So let me ask you this because because I
41:48
want to touch on the empowerment part, because that is
41:51
a major thing. How do you help people empower themselves
41:57
in grief? How does that process actually take place?
42:02
Speaker 4: So how it takes place is that I have the
42:04
five pillars of care, like car that I use as
42:07
a acriminin, and part of it is about giving yourself compassion.
42:15
A lot of times I think we're so judgmental on ourselves. Right,
42:20
we do this thing about that we have what we
42:24
should have done, what we could have done, what we
42:26
would have done, even with our own emotions. I shouldn't
42:28
be feeling this. I shouldn't be And so that's like
42:32
our inner voice or our inner dialogue that we're giving ourselves.
42:38
And so by giving ourselves compassion. There's a way to
42:42
soften that and to release it because a lot of
42:46
times is that we were dealing in hindsight right Like
42:51
It's like, and I'm going to use the lottery as
42:55
an example, because that's an easy one for people to understand.
42:59
Once a number are called, we know what the numbers are,
43:02
and some of us will go, why didn't I pick
43:05
those numbers? Well, that is hindsight, and that sometimes is
43:11
the same thing with grief. We know things now that
43:15
we didn't know back then, and so we may say
43:18
things like, oh, why did I give them the keys?
43:22
Why did they go in that car? Why did they
43:24
drive down that street? I should have kept them here? No,
43:28
I mean even for myself, I would be like, how
43:31
come I didn't find the cure for cancer? They still haven't,
43:35
But how come I didn't? I mean, I'm a mom,
43:36
I'm super mom. So we kind of give ourselves this.
43:42
We believe we had super powers, and if we go
43:45
back to the magician, it's almost like we've had this
43:49
magic wand that has been dormant that we forgot to use. Well,
43:57
we don't have this magic wand and we can't change things.
44:04
Even in hindsight. And that is our mind who is
44:09
saying that we have control, because a lot of times
44:12
because we had no control, our mind wants to give
44:15
us that we had control. It's like that oxymoron thing, right,
44:22
And so that is part of what we need to release.
44:28
And so basically that's what I kind of do is
44:33
working with your intuition. I always go we all have
44:37
our inner wisdom. It's we listen to it. Yeah, because
44:45
our intuition knows what's right for you. And that's basically
44:50
what the grief work is. It's not about Okay, here's
44:54
these neat boxes you need to do this, this, and this.
44:57
It's individual. It's in individual of what is best for you,
45:03
what works for you, and being acknowledged and validated that
45:10
you have a right to your pain and that your
45:13
experience is validated and you and your grief are validated.
45:18
Speaker 6: Yeah, that makes sense.
45:25
Speaker 4: So who our times up? Yeah, this happens when we
45:31
have a conversation. We can just go on and on.
45:35
Speaker 6: We have and every time we meet we usually do
45:38
go on and on. It's like, oh yeah, so I'm
45:43
just gonna say this way. Best way is to get
45:46
a hold of you and work with you because there's
45:48
a lot of people out there that that need your help.
45:51
Speaker 4: Yeah, so email me at Hope at Maria Balanic dot com. Right,
45:56
and I think I sent a free gift for your
45:59
audience right about five compassion.
46:02
Speaker 6: Yeah, let's go over the free gift.
46:05
Speaker 4: Yeah. So I really truly believe that we need to
46:10
give ourselves compassion, and so for that, that's one of
46:14
the gifts that I've given is how do you give
46:16
yourself compassion? And the guide goes through that. So there's
46:20
little exercises that go through about that, and I always go,
46:26
compassion is going to look different. It really is individualized
46:31
in regards of showing your self kindness, right, Like we
46:36
think we give it to everyone else except for our
46:40
own selves, and it's our own selves that really need
46:45
it more so because it's about honoring who we are
46:48
because a lot of times we're rejecting who we are.
46:52
Speaker 6: Yeah, Yeah, I agreed. A lot of times we and
46:57
we tried to fight up river against who we are
47:00
actually are.
47:01
Speaker 4: Yeah, and in grief even more so. Right, we want
47:05
to hide, we want to push down all of this.
47:10
And what I've learned is that when I accepted that
47:14
grief was going to be in my life. That's why
47:17
I said at the very beginning, grief walks with me,
47:20
and grief has many faces. Like just because I call
47:24
myself a bereaved mom, I can still laugh, I can
47:28
and still enjoy life at this moment. However, I will
47:33
still have moments of sadness where sometimes maybe getting out
47:37
of bed is really hard.
47:39
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, and that's hey, yeah, it is okay. And
47:44
it's like being bereaved is something that people don't want
47:48
to hear, but hey, you need you. We we we
47:54
all eventually are going to be walking with grief and
47:57
we should embrace it. Right to point.
48:03
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, I'm going to say, like I have
48:05
brown hair, so I'm using you know, bereavement as yeah,
48:10
I have brown hair. One day maybe i'll have red hair,
48:13
but breeds will. I mean, it's still hair. But again,
48:17
it's about acknowledging rather than hiding, right.
48:24
Speaker 6: Right, So thank you for your time today. This has
48:28
been wonderful. You do wonderful work for people, and I'm
48:33
glad you're a friend.
48:36
Speaker 4: Oh my, I know A like to talk to Michael.
48:41
I think that's why we always go on and on.
48:44
Speaker 6: Yeah, so thank you for listening to everybody find that
48:47
subscribe button wherever it is, and remember, if you do
48:51
need help with your grief and that mirror has popped
48:55
up in front of you and says, oh yeah, I
48:58
do need to work with Murray, go to Hope at
49:03
Maria Blaylock.
49:06
Speaker 4: Or our website is Maria Bolanic dot com.
49:10
Speaker 6: Yeah, and that will be in the show notes. Guys,
49:12
so along with the free gift. Okay, help us.
49:17
Speaker 4: To so.
49:39
Speaker 2: I don't know, so your phone matcher, what.
49:56
Speaker 4: This guess?
50:00
Speaker 5: A reason to sit me battle Joe.
50:13
Speaker 2: Wall shots, we can't dress wait, so.
50:56
Speaker 6: She go to sh.
51:41
Speaker 1: The show has been produced by Depictions Media.
51:45
Speaker 6: Please contact us at depictions dot media for more information