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Is it you, or is it me? · Trauma Free Relationship

0:00
I was working with a couple the other day, and in this case
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we're going to call them Cindy and Bill.
0:06
And Bill was feeling defensive. I could see him shifting as
0:11
Cindy was beginning to try to talk to him about her feelings
0:15
of longing to be closer to him, to feel more connected.
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And as the tension began to rise a little bit, I broke in, as I
0:22
usually do. And I said, wait a minute, hold
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on a second, Let's, let's slow this down.
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I said, Bill, something happened with you there.
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Something shifted with you. And I felt you get a little bit
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defensive or guarded. I said what?
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What happened? And he said, well, she was
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telling me it's my fault that she's criticizing me, telling me
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that I'm not giving her what she needs.
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And somehow I'm purposely withholding that.
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And he said it's not my fault. He said I, you know, he was
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obviously upset and getting defensive and a little bit
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angry. Sales would begin to walk
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through that with him. I asked him, I said, well, what
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exactly did you hear that told you that it was your fault, that
1:03
she was blaming you? And he began to explain.
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Well, you know, when she says things like, you know, I want to
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be closer to you, or when she says things like, you know, I
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have to wait until you get done with your work schedules and I
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feel like I'm always waiting, he said.
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That tells me this is my fault, that she's blaming me, that I'm
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not giving her what I need. And so we began to explore that
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even further. And I said, Bill, I said, is
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there any part of you that's able to just hear that she longs
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to be closer to you? And he said, yeah, there's a
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part of that. And I said, is there another
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part of you that also understands you might be
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filtering this in a way that what you're hearing is that
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criticism and the sensitivity that he said, oh, absolutely.
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He said that's that. May, I said I'm, I'm, I'm open
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to the fact that that might be 90% of what I'm hearing is being
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filtered through through that particular lens.
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And I said, great, I said let's just set that lens aside for a
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minute, that filter that says it's your fault, that you're
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somehow not meeting her need. And let's just focus on this
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little percentage here that's able to hear that all she's
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saying to you and expressing is that she longs to be closer to
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you. This I think, is a great example
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of what a internal working model is.
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We're going to drill down into what that means in just a
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moment. But the question becomes, when
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we're hearing our partner and we filter something a certain way,
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how much is real of what we're hearing and how much is being
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filtered from past experiences? And so the question becomes, is
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it you or is it me? And that's what we're going to
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talk about today. Welcome to Trauma Free
2:46
Relationship, a podcast that provides support and guidance to
2:50
help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
2:53
Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
2:55
issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
2:58
current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
3:01
scientifically informed information as well as the tools
3:05
to help you create a secure connection between you and your
3:07
partner. And here is your host, Tom
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Phillip. OK, let's dive in.
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Today we are talking about internal working models.
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This goes by a lot of different names, depending on the
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particular theory that that it's derived from.
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Different theorists have come up with different names for this.
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They go by core beliefs, they go by schemas, they go by mental
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representations, templates, attachment maps, whatever name
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that we're calling it. And in attachment terms, it's
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called internal working models, whatever name we go by.
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Essentially what this is, is an internalized representation of
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interactions that shape our beliefs.
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And so I think about this a little bit like riding a bike.
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I'm assuming most of my listeners have learned to ride a
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bike at some point in their life.
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I know as a child I was all over my bike, all over my
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neighborhood, everywhere that I could be.
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And it was my prized possession in many ways because it
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transported me to my friends, to baseball practices, to whatever
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it was I was doing. That was my that was my go to
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vehicle at the time and like riding a bike it, it took a
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while to learn how to do that. So when we first get on a bike,
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when I first got on a bike, it was very shaky, right?
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My dad was holding the back seat, making sure I didn't fall
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over. At the time we didn't wear
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helmets or knee pads because that just wasn't the thing in
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the 70s when you rode bikes. So I didn't have any of that
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protective gear on. There were lots of skinned knees
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for sure, but over time, as I begin to practice and work at
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it, what began to happen was that I began to internalize how
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to ride a bike. I went from being very shaky and
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keeping at the handlebar steady to learning how to propel my
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feet and the motion of the bike forward while also steering and
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keeping it steady and so that I was able to keep up a fast
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enough pace that I could then turn and steer and move the bike
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in the direction I wanted. And what essentially happened
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was my brain and my body internalized what that felt
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like. It internalized that skill.
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And so eventually I was able to jump on a bike with zero thought
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whatsoever and tear off down the street, because I knew how to do
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that. I knew how to keep it steady.
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I knew how to propel the the pedals forward at a fast enough
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rate that I didn't tip over. And so my body and my brain had
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learned what that was like. And that's a little bit of what
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an internal working model is. It's sort of an internalization
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or a template if you will that has that has become automatic
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and and has set expectations for what we are like, the
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expectations of what we think others are like and the
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expectations of our self in relationship with others.
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And a lot of this templates, these models are laid down early
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in our life through our attachment figures with our
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primary caregivers. And so we internalized what
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those, what those interactions were like.
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And in doing so, it it created expectations for us that we
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carry into our adult relationships.
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And so much like riding a bike, when we get into relationships
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and we become attached with a person, these models tend to
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filter and play out in our relationships without us even
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thinking about it. Just like riding a bike, I
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eventually got to the point where I could do stunts, I could
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jump curbs, I could jump bags of trash over a little ramp that I
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would made. I got better and better and more
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adept at riding that bike because first I had learned the
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basics of what that was like and I had internalized that feeling.
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And my body knew what to expect when I jumped on a bike and how
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far I could push it, how far I could push those, those stunts
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that I was doing back in the day.
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And that's a little bit of what internal working models are.
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So let's let's do a formalized definition.
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So internal working model, it's a mental representation, it's a
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a template or an attachment map of our early relationships with
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our caregivers. As I mentioned just a second
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ago, that actually creates a template for future
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relationships and and these these templates help us to
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organize and we're going to come back to that in a minute because
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that word's really important to organize our perceptions of our
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partners behavior in three different ways.
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It helps us organize our partners behavior in that it
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shapes our expectations of future behaviors.
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So what I'm seeing now is what I can expect to see of my partner
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in the future. It also creates meaning about
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the current behavior. So this is the second way it
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organizes and shapes behavior of our partners is that it creates
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meaning. My partner's doing this because
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they're motivated by such and such.
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They're motivated to be closer to me and more connected.
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They're motivated to criticize me and tell me I'm doing wrong.
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They're motivated to eventually leave me.
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So we create meaning through these templates.
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That's why often times we call them filters.
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And then finally, the 3rd way it shapes perceptions of behavior
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is that they tend to emphasize either the cognitive or the
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emotional information at the exclusion of the other.
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And what I mean by that is, depending on our early
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experiences, we either will hone in on the cognitive portions of
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our partner's behavior and emphasize those in our
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perceptions, or we will exclude the cognitive and we will
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heighten the emotional aspects of what our partner is conveying
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and the signals they're sending. And we will organize it that
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way. And this profoundly impacts our
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own response and our own expectations of ourselves.
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And so not only do we use these mental representations or these
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internal working models and templates to organize our
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partners behavior, but we also very much use them to organize
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our own perceptions of our self. How do I respond when I feel
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like I'm being criticized? The way Bill responded when
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Cindy was trying to explain to him, I want to feel closer and
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more connected to you. And his response was it's my
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fault I'm not giving her what I need.
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And part of the way he filtered that is because of his previous
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experiences growing up in his family of origin, where when he
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tried to reach out in times of need, there was no one there to
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comfort him, to soothe him, to protect him.
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And not only was not anybody there, but it was actually then
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used against him. Yes, I'll help you only if you
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do such and such. So his need to reach out was
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then weaponized against him in many ways.
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So it's no wonder that he hears criticism.
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It's no wonder that he feels like he's being blamed for the
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lack of connection from his partner.
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And then he's shaping that and filtering that information by
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hearing her demands and then blaming himself and getting
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defensive, feeling like once again, I can't get it right.
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I couldn't get it right in my family growing up, and I can't
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get it right for my partner now. Now, one of the things I want to
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clarify is that these templates are not exact replications of
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events that happened in the past.
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We are not remembering exact events as they unfolded in our
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childhood. What we are remembering are bits
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and pieces and the feeling of what happened.
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And Damasio, who's written a great book by the very same
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name. The feeling of what happens is
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very much what it is. What's what's being triggered in
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US and either causing defensiveness or triggering our
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vulnerabilities, is is the feeling that brings up, that
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comes up for us when we get triggered like that.
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And in those moments, we usually often do go into our
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defensiveness because we feel vulnerable.
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We feel something's been touched inside of us.
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That triggers that vulnerability that takes us back to that
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place, but only in bits and pieces.
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It's not like a full flashback we're having, like a trauma
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flashback might be, although trauma flashbacks do comes in
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bits and pieces as well. But we're remembering the
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feeling of being rejected and abandoned and not attuned to in
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those places. So I think it's really important
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to remember that the interactions we have as adults
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that creates these triggers inside of us and these feelings
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are partially what's happening in the relationship, the real
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relationship that's occurring there and partially what's
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what's a representation of the past that is being filtered
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through that. They're not exact replications
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of our memories. I know often times with couples,
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they will get locked in what I call whose reality is going to
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dominate. And So what I see often times is
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couples will get into whose version or whose memory of an
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event is going to actually define what happened, and it's
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going to tell the narrative of that story.
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And so I'll find couples and let's just take Cindy and Bill
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as an example. Cindy can say, well, you know,
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you didn't say that then you said it.
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You said this to me. No, I didn't say that.
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I only said that when you said this.
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And so now they're caught in whose version of reality is
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going to win. And that's a 0 sum game.
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That's not going to work out well for either of them because
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either of them feels so protective and adamant that
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their version of reality is correct.
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It's I know what I heard. I know what I remember.
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Don't tell me I'm getting it wrong because I feel so adamant
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that I'm right. And of course so does the
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partner. And so often times these arguing
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over whose version of reality is going to win is is, like I said,
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a zero sum game. Nobody's going to win that
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argument. And that's not a a productive
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path to go down when trying to resolve conflict.
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In part because it's a combination of the way both
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people are filtering the event through the the past experiences
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they've had and their internal working models.
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And partially because of the interactions that they had in
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real life as adults trying to get their needs met in this
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relationship. OK, So what typically happens
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then is when we have these internal working models is that
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we tend to use them in three different ways.
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And so the 1st way we might use them is we might treat ourselves
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like our past attachment figures treated us and we call this a a
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negative view of self. And so oftentimes what we'll see
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is we'll see people that will blame themselves, have low self
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esteem, carry around, sense of shame.
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I'm broken. I'm not right.
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I'm unlovable. These are what we call negative
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views of self, and they are internalized representations of
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how they were often treated growing up, that they are now
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treating themselves in the same way.
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The 2nd way internal attachment models affect us is that we will
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treat others like our past attachment figures treated us,
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and we call that a negative view of others.
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And so often times we will, we will guess that somebody has a
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negative motivation towards us and so we will treat them as if
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our attachment figures treated us growing up.
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So we will be critical. We will try to turn up the heat
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to get more engagement. We will be inconsistent,
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criticizing, demanding, so on and so forth because that is
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often how we were treated and what we saw and what we
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internalized as well. So we call that a negative view
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of others. And then finally, what will
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happen is, and this is the third way we'll use these models is
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that we will project onto others that they're going to treat us
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like our past attachment figures treated us and that then we will
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try to be preemptive and we will treat them as if they're going
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to treat us in that same manner. And we call that projection.
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And I'm sure that's a term that many people have heard before.
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Projection is simply taking something that is inside of you,
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an expectation, and placing that onto your partner that they are
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going to act in a certain way. And then you begin to treat them
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as if that is true for them, as if they have that motivation,
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when in fact that's really coming from you.
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And so if I think my partner is going to abandon me and reject
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me, I might start causing a conflict, and I might reject my
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partner first. Because on some level I feel
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like my partner, that is their motivation.
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They're going to eventually reject me.
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So I might as well create conflict and reject them first
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and shut it down and move away and move into my protective
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strategies, because that's going to eventually happen anyway.
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And so these internal working models unfold in relationships,
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usually in one of these three ways.
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We have a negative view of ourselves.
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We treat ourselves like our past attachment figures treated us.
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We treat others the way our past attachment figures treated us or
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we project onto others that they're going to treat us in a
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certain way and we act as if that is true for them.
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Now part of the problem, especially with that last one
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and we call that projection again, is that those internal
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working models can create self fulfilling prophecies for us.
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And that's simply a belief or an expectation that, that when we
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act upon it confirms that belief or expectation, it creates a
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negative feedback loop. So let me give you an example.
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I go to my partner and I say, honey, are are you OK?
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You seem a little down today. Are you upset with me?
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And she says, no, no, I've just kind of had a bad day and I'm
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like, oh, OK, well, it seems like you're upset.
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Are you sure? Did I do anything wrong?
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Is this because I forgot to take out the trash and she's like,
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no, Tom, you're fine. I'm not upset with you.
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Well, Are you sure you're not upset with me?
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Because you know it's not my fault and I start getting
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defensive. It's not my fault I took out the
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trash. I sometimes I forget, jeez, I
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can't do everything right and all of a sudden she's starting
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to feel attacked and all of a sudden she gets mad at me And
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then I go, ha ha, I knew you were mad at me.
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I knew you were upset. Without any realization that
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what I had done was created somewhat of a self fulfilling
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prophecy for myself. I provoked her into being mad.
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Why? Because I held the belief that
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she was mad at me anyway, and so I might as well go ahead and get
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this over with. And I confirmed that belief
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through my own actions. So I hope that gives you an
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example of what projection can be like, and the three different
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ways that internal working models can play out in our
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relationship. So now what I want to do is I
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want to break these down into secure, anxious, avoidant as
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well as disorganized attachment styles.
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So you have kind of an idea what are these internal working
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models look like from a secure and insecure type of internal
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working models or or attachment styles.
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And I've done previous podcasts. I encourage you to go back and
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listen to those because I did one on anxious attachment style
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as well as avoid an attachment style that can add a lot more
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context to this conversation here too as well.
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So feel free to go back and look at those.
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So first of all, when we're talking about an internal
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working model in a secure attachment, people with this
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type of model expect themselves to be worthy of love.
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They have a positive representation of themself and
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they expect themselves to be supported.
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They expect others to be available and responsive to them
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when they need, and they feel comfortable relying on their
21:21
partner and expressing their needs to their partner.
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So they don't fear closeness and they don't feel threatened by
21:28
too much distance in the relationship.
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And let me repeat, they have a positive sense of self and they
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have a positive sense of their partner.
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They expect their partner to show up and be available and
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responsive when they need. They can also comfort themselves
21:48
self soothe and tolerate if their partner is not available
21:53
to them and responsive always. So they have the flexibility to
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be able to adjust their internal working models based on whether
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their partner might be available in that moment or whether they
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might not. But they had this internal model
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of being worthy of love and support.
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Whereas an anxious attachment person, their internal working
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model is that they have a negative view of themselves and
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often a positive view of others. So they worry that their partner
22:26
will abandoned or reject them because they feel often like
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they're not worthy of love and they feel they put their their
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partner more on a positive frame of mind and up on a pedestal in
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a little bit. If I can create a connection
22:43
with this person, I will feel completely filled up.
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If I can create a connection, then all this longing will go
22:50
away and I will finally be able to merge with this person and
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feel whole and feel complete, and this person will complete
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me. And so they tend to elevate
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others and they tend to de evaluate themselves.
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And of course they often worry that their partner will
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abandoned or reject them. And they as such, they might
23:11
appear very cleanly or demanding and they may have difficulty
23:15
trusting their partner because they're not sure if their
23:19
partner's really ever going to completely show up for them in
23:22
the way they need. So that's a little bit about how
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internal working models play out in the attachment style.
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What about the avoidance style? The avoidant people that have
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internal working models that have this particular style of
23:38
attachment tend to have a positive view of themselves but
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a negative view of others. So they often believe that
23:46
others cannot be trusted or relied upon and that they won't
23:50
really show up for them. As a result, they may avoid
23:54
intimacy and closeness in their relationships, and they may also
23:59
be quick to dismiss their partners needs not because they
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feel defected within themselves. They actually feel like they're
24:06
good people, but what they don't understand is why others are
24:12
constantly trying to require more of them, constantly making
24:17
them feel like they're never good enough.
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They're not measuring up or they're failing at the
24:22
relationship. So they tend to have a negative
24:25
view of others and they sort of recoil at the the needs of their
24:30
partner for closeness and connection.
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And they they deactivate as I've talked about before, they
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deactivate their attachment needs when they get triggered
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and they will over emphasize the cognitive aspects and they will
24:45
downplay the emotional aspects. It was really hard for Bill to
24:49
be able to hear the emotional need, the need for closeness and
24:54
connection from Cindy when he was trying to emphasize the
24:59
cognitive aspects of that for Bill.
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He was hearing that he was failing.
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He was not getting it right and that she was blaming him for
25:08
that. He was emphasizing the cognitive
25:10
as opposed to being able to be emotionally available and stay
25:14
connected with her and hearing her heart saying, I want to be
25:18
closer to you, I want to feel more connected, I love you.
25:23
I need that from you. And of course, the opposite was
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true for Cindy. Cindy was emphasizing the
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emotional aspects he pulls away from me.
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He's always busy. He leaves me feeling empty.
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He leaves me feeling wanting more at the exclusion of the
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cognitive aspects of that which is I understand he is busy, I
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understand he's not always available to me, and I've got
25:48
the ability to self soothe until he is available to me again.
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So that's a little bit in the difference between the avoidant
25:55
and the anxious attachment style and the way internal working
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models play out. There's one more type of model
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and that's called the disorganized attachment, excuse
26:07
me, not Model 1 type of insecure attachment style.
26:10
And that is the disorganized attachment, essentially
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disorganized attachment. And I haven't talked a whole lot
26:16
about that on the podcast, but but they don't have any
26:20
particular attachment style. So they they jump from anxious
26:25
to avoidant. I want you, I need you.
26:28
Get away from me. I hate you.
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I love you. Don't leave me.
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I can't stand you. Give me space.
26:36
They don't know how to negotiate the amount of closeness or
26:43
distance in a relationship. They need, want, or desire or
26:48
what makes them feel safe. So they bounce back and forth,
26:51
essentially having no particular attachment style at all.
26:56
So people with internal working models that have a disorganized
27:00
view of attachment have a negative view of themselves and
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a negative view of others. You're withholding, You
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withdraw, You punish me when I need you, yet I'm unworthy of
27:13
love and I recoil and pull away when you try to pull close.
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And of course, with this particular attachment style, it
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is often out of traumatic or abuse in early childhood that
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this particular style comes about often because there was no
27:32
resolution to to the environment that they were in.
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It wasn't born just of inconsistency, inconsistent
27:42
parenting, and it wasn't born just of neglectful parenting.
27:47
It was born of punishment parenting.
27:50
And so not only was it was it inconsistent at times, it was
27:54
neglectful at times. And then it turned on them and
27:57
was punishing to them as well. And so they had no no
28:02
resolution. They had no way to be safe,
28:05
period, no matter what move they made in order to resolve and try
28:10
to maintain that attachment style or attachment tie to their
28:14
parents. So those are the three different
28:18
types of insecure attachment styles and the way internal
28:22
working models play out in the inner life of these individuals.
28:30
What I want to do now is I want to just walk through, so okay
28:34
Tom, what do I do with this information?
28:36
Now that I understand a little bit about internal working
28:38
models. Now that I understand a little
28:41
bit about how might it might show up in my relationship from
28:44
an avoidant, anxious or disorganized and secure
28:47
attachment style, as well as what a secure attachment style
28:50
looks like. What do I do with this?
28:53
So I want to pose a series of questions that you can just
28:57
think about and begin to walk through yourself in your own
29:02
time about what this might feel or look like or show up for you
29:09
in your relationship. And the first question I have is
29:13
when you get triggered. Because remember, insecure
29:16
attachment styles only show up when there's been a threat to
29:20
the relationship, either too much closeness for the
29:22
avoidance, or too much distance for the anxious.
29:26
They don't always show up when both, when both individuals are
29:29
in secure connection with each other, but when triggered they
29:34
do show up. So the question becomes, do I
29:37
tend to over value the cognitive information to the exclusion of
29:42
emotional information when I get triggered?
29:45
Is it hard for me to stay in emotional connection with my
29:48
partner or do I find I go to my head and I'm trying to solve the
29:53
problem, I'm trying to fix my partner and I'm downplaying the
29:57
emotions in our relationship together?
30:00
Or, conversely, do I evaluate the emotional information and
30:06
overvalue that to the exclusion of the cognitive information?
30:10
Do I get consumed and overwhelmed by my emotions, and
30:14
then do the outpouring of those emotions spill out onto my
30:18
partner so that I I project that anxiety onto them in a way that
30:23
can overwhelm them in a way that I'm not thinking clearly always?
30:28
I've been hijacked emotionally in my brain and so I'm just
30:34
running on pure adrenaline because I need to get my partner
30:37
connected to me. So do I tend to over evaluate
30:41
the emotion at the exclusion of the cognitive information and do
30:46
I tend to devalue my partner's need for me or over value myself
30:51
and my independence? Conversely, do I tend to devalue
30:56
myself and overvalue my need for my partner and my anxiousness?
31:00
Again, these are just questions I want you to ask yourself as
31:04
you sort of walk through implicitly what happens to me in
31:09
my relationship when I get triggered.
31:12
Because if you're anxious and you get triggered, what's going
31:15
to happen is you're going to give supremacy.
31:18
You're going to give more credence to the emotional
31:21
information you're feeling and less to the cognitive.
31:25
You're going to over evaluate your need for your partner and
31:29
devalue their need for independence.
31:32
And you're going to try to use everything within you to get
31:37
your partner to come closer to you and connect to you.
31:41
And of course, the inverse is true if you are more of A
31:46
avoidant style in your attachment.
31:49
So three more questions. Do I treat myself like my
31:52
caregivers treated me? Do I tend to have more of a
31:55
negative view of self in my relationships?
32:01
So when I get triggered, do I often feel unloved, Unworthy,
32:06
like I'm I don't have the right to be loved, or something's
32:10
defective or broken in me? Or do I treat myself like my
32:15
early caregivers treated me? And I tend to have a negative
32:18
view of others? They want too much.
32:20
They're too demanding. They're controlling.
32:23
They're manipulative. Manipulative.
32:26
These types of things are tend to devalue others while
32:30
maintaining more of a positive view of yourself.
32:33
And finally, are there times when I might project my fears
32:38
and my expectations onto my partner that they're going to
32:42
treat me in a less than loving and caring way?
32:47
Do I tend to project that they're going to leave me and
32:50
abandoned me? Do I tend to project that
32:52
they're going to be controlling and a manipulative and can I
32:56
trace that back to my fears that are coming from me versus what's
33:01
actually happening in the relationship?
33:03
And can I leave any room or any space inside me for the way I
33:09
filter that information versus what my partner might be saying
33:14
they're feeling or what might their need be?
33:17
Can I differentiate? Is it you or is it me?
33:22
Thank you very much for listening today.
33:24
As always, I really appreciate you tuning in.
33:28
And we're going to bring many more podcasts to you.
33:30
Make sure you leave a comment. Let us know what's going on with
33:34
you, what's happening in your life?
33:36
Do you like what you're hearing? Do you want to hear more?
33:38
Or something different about your relationships, the way
33:42
trauma and stress impacts your relationship and your relation
33:47
attachment style? Thanks for listening and we'll
33:49
talk to you next time. Thank you for listening to
33:53
Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
33:56
attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
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34:03
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