Latest / Just Us Sisters / Episode 10: Dealing with Empty Nest
Transcript
- speaker-0: Welcome to the Just Us Sisters Podcast. Life doesn't come with a manual, so we made a podcast. speaker-1: Welcome to episode 10. I'm your host today, Susan, and along with my other three sisters, Sheryl Shelly, and Stacey. We are in an episode today about the emptiness. we have all the emptiness, some sooner and some later, but we all have. And we are going to also have a special guest on our show, Sandi Dotson she is my niece, Sheryl's daughter, we want to get her fresh intake ⁓ on the empty nest because all three of her boys are out ⁓ the house and college. ⁓ And think her last one just graduated in May. So we'll be finding out what that feels like because honestly, I've forgotten a lot as I looked over our questions and we're thinking about empty nest. I thought, man, it's been so long, I've kind of forgotten what that feels like. But I want to ask you all a question. What's the most ridiculous thing that you have done with all your newfound free time? speaker-2: You a motorcycle club? speaker-0: Okay. speaker-1: Ha ha ha! speaker-2: I mean, we're no longer part of it, but that was when it just, when the kids were young. speaker-0: thing that KC start riding bikes again. asked him to not do that. I didn't want to raise six. speaker-2: Boys for boys to boys any boys on my own. So as soon as Jordan speaker-0: out of the house, he got him a bike and started running and then found a club that he liked and I think that's the most. speaker-2: Friday. and joined it. Crazy that we did. speaker-3: I think I could, well, not only did we, Shelly and Andy and Stacey and KC we all bought an RV park. ⁓ that was the craziest thing ever if you've ever owned an RV park, it's like hurting middle schools, you know, kids ⁓ and Shelly and Andy, the pretty much the whole, all the problems came down on them. I just enjoyed the money that we didn't make. ⁓ speaker-2: Yeah. speaker-1: The money you didn't make. speaker-3: while we had it. speaker-2: was an investment. speaker-1: You win some and you lose some. I kind of had the boring ones then we got into bikes we got into motorcycles and then we got into hiking National Park and right Tom is basically doing gardening and ⁓ planning and orchards so we kind of went very simple but it did allow us more time to do those things. from the gardening gardening, yes. speaker-2: better cycles to gardening. speaker-1: Well, when you kind of flip a motorcycle and are in the hospital for 10 days, that kind of does that kind of puts an end to that. speaker-2: I was going to say gardening safe, but y'all haven't had that safe gardening experience. speaker-1: That may change things. You're right. That is so true. That is so true. So what is the biggest surprise that y'all can't y'all kind of realized or, know, just about being ⁓ an empty nester and that could be good or bad. That's the biggest surprise. speaker-3: Not the same thing as that. speaker-2: I think now since it's been 10 years, it's that I miss kids around on Saturday morning, kind of rushing to get to different things. speaker-0: having the kids and things I'm got I miss it because it's not bearing me you know like it was home but I think too you know sounds odd but just that always having somebody around on time too so speaker-2: over and over bird when they were home. Just the noise. have which I enjoy the alone speaker-0: But every once in a while it hits that I missed that. speaker-1: miss the camaraderie of our kids' friends' parents too. You know, as our kids graduated, kids went different ways. And so we haven't been able to stay in contact with a lot of them, especially football parents. And so I kind of miss that camaraderie that just came naturally. You saw them every week, you got to know them, you did things together, and then they graduate and move on. So... speaker-0: Yeah, and you think that you. One and. Yeah, it is a season on most of the time. So, and if you did. So that's. speaker-2: have a great bond there. speaker-1: Yeah. And it may be just for that season. speaker-2: Others may have Listeners, let us know. Important for others to know. speaker-1: Yeah, let us know. So what's one thing that y'all are doing that you never had time or energy for when the kids were home? speaker-3: Johnny and I, well, we started playing pickleball. found pickleball and we also started going on mission trips when Mikayla graduated and moved on. went to Cuba and Dominican Republic and then we did one mission with Samaritan Purse in Kentucky. And now we've gotten into riding We have to do things according to our injuries on our body. So right now we're just riding bikes. ⁓ speaker-1: That's understandable. That is very understandable. speaker-2: watching series that were popular in the 90s since I never got to watch TV. speaker-0: TV in the 90s. ⁓ speaker-1: What's one of them? speaker-2: The Sopranos. speaker-0: I've been watching that and The Shield speaker-2: shield that's another good one they are old but they were for so long speaker-1: Have y'all had any rooms that you've gotten to reclaim for yourself? And what are you using them for? speaker-0: ⁓ And then we've redone. speaker-2: They got an office now. bedrooms how we wanted to decorate them so they're not boy bedrooms they're just guests speaker-0: That's fun. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-2: And I'm not decorating for having young boys or teenage boys either, which is a big difference. can have off-white furniture, paint and torn up. speaker-0: my house all the time. you speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: something that's not going to get stained. speaker-1: want to see if any of y'all had a hard time letting go of that first child's room when they left the home. Tom said I made Caleb's room a shrine. I did not make it a shrine, but for the longest, someone wanted to move into it, one of the other kids, and I was like, no, he's going to come back home and need a place to stay. Did any of y'all have any hard time with that? No. speaker-3: As soon as Sandi, we followed her to temple, dropped her off and we went right back and made that into a guest bedroom. So no, we didn't have any, any hard. shrines. speaker-1: No shrine. I honestly did not make it a shrine, but I did want him to feel like he had a place to come home to. And Tom's like, he does have a place, the couch. speaker-2: Excuse me. to when Trevor and Kendall took their room over because they were sharing a room with there was two sets. They got kind of their own room. No, there was never a. speaker-0: anyway to college ⁓ the you know, the bunk beds and then all of sudden time that we got to kind of just sit on it. speaker-1: Well, how has your relationship with your kids changed now that they're out on their own? Have you all seen any major differences? ⁓ speaker-0: I have. speaker-4: that the blood, sweat and tears that we invested in therapy have paid off because she's a pretty amazing adult and that can make ⁓ a parent very proud. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-3: enjoy it because it's really neat to go out to dinner with them. And they're, for the most part, they're all, you know, they're responsible people. you know, we can have conversations about life, know, paying bills, what's going on at their jobs. And, you know, they may have to pay their bill. Most of the time we still enjoy picking up the tab because there's not very many. We can give advice to them when they ask, but they can, they don't have to use it. And it's really neat to sit around and talk to them. speaker-2: My kids are because they've all gotten older. You know, when they were young, there was a pretty big age difference between the older two and the younger four. But now they're all good friends. One thing that surprised me is that now we can be friends. You know, we're not just necessarily parents. Although there are those times we get to be their friends as well. do things with and surprise them. speaker-0: And they're pretty fun to hang, you know. I don't know why that to me, but it did. speaker-4: For me to see how Cherokee as an only child has surrounded herself with an awesome support system where she lives is aunt. See, she's many of her friends, kiddos, and I'm glad to see that she has found her village. I forget where her home is regardless of where we live. speaker-1: You know, something that surprised, well not surprised me, but most of my kids kind of realized, you know what? My parents really did know what they were talking about. speaker-3: Yeah. speaker-2: How how that happened. speaker-1: I know, speaker-2: I'm going to apologize for anything. speaker-1: Once they had kids. Once they had kids. Yes. Yes. How about your relationship with your spouse? Has this stage in life affected that in any way? Yeah. Everything's better. You can run around in your naked or in your underwear if you want. speaker-3: Better. speaker-0: It's a- speaker-3: I know mom's gonna be watching this. speaker-1: ⁓ I know. speaker-2: always got stronger just being able to spend time together not chasing kids everywhere and being more relaxed. speaker-0: think that that has a lot to do it. And you have to go through that type of process because every speaker-2: Getting to know each other. everything that you've done, especially if your kids are active in extracurricular activity around this time and you're looking at your spouse going, speaker-0: activities has been down and then yeah is this guy and taking that time to get to know them what they like again you know and speaker-2: the same way. been with each other. speaker-1: You know, we used to have date nights when the kids were here, just, you know, one night away for us. And now we still go out, but we don't necessarily want to go out all the time. It's nice just to be home and be together. So that makes it sweet. Is there anything you miss? I know Stacey kind of alluded to this earlier, but is there anything you miss or don't miss about not having your kids at home? speaker-3: I miss all the. speaker-1: for these. I'm Sir Stacy, Mrs. The Laundry. ⁓ speaker-2: I love laundry. speaker-1: The cooking, man, cooking for a crew like that, especially boys. speaker-2: Yeah, those are things I work on. Yeah, especially after boys in the bathroom. Yeah, there are things that I'm so thankful for. My house stays pretty clean for a while. Yeah. speaker-1: I'm speaker-0: No. speaker-1: So what are y'all most excited about over the next few years since the kids are kind of out and gone? What are some things that y'all are looking forward to? speaker-2: I love to plan trips and if it's just KC and because we didn't get to do that when the kids were home. what surprised me, I look forward to our trips with kids that they're adults and we forward to that. We try to do something every summer, but definitely every other summer and where everybody speaker-0: And I love that. I know and everybody comes and I look forward to that. That's exciting to me and so. speaker-2: Probably not in the area that most people are thinking because, you're empty now. Not home. I look forward to when they do come home for. speaker-0: But now that they're speaker-1: Absolutely. speaker-3: We're looking forward to great-grandkids and we enjoy our summer vacations. Try to go one place a year where all nine of us go together and we let the grandkids pick it within reason. then we all, pick it, they pick three places and then all as a family, we vote. And then the one that gets the most votes is where we go. This year we're going to Hilton Head. speaker-2: Where are y'all going this year? speaker-3: South Carolina, the boys are all into golf. And so ⁓ that's where they picked. Johnny and I always go with, know, whatever we think is probably gonna win. speaker-1: That's nice. speaker-2: So. speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: So have y'all planned any, it sounds like Sheryl's plan, a big trip? Or any hobbies second dreams ⁓ that finally getting to chase after? speaker-4: When the time comes, and hopefully it won't be anytime soon, but when we no longer are caretakers of our parents, Andy and I want to live abroad for a little bit. And the time may be that that's when grandkids start coming along and that may change, but it's fun to think about, you know, each plan and think of where we would live and such. speaker-1: Yeah, so as far as I guess second chapter dreams for me, it would be I'm considering retirement and some days I'm excited about it and other days I go, ⁓ I'm not sure about that. The unknown. speaker-2: care sheet. Yeah, not you know regular income coming in or not. speaker-1: Not having, no, I look forward to that. No, not having ⁓ something set up to do. I'm like, I love what I do. I love being busy. I just don't like the stress of it. So have y'all ever had any thoughts about downsizing or moving or completely changing your lifestyle? speaker-2: So KC and I downsized. We went from like 3,600 square feet to 2,100. There are days I like downsizing and then there are days that I don't. speaker-0: And I think. I'll come back to you on that one. think that it's. You child set. You used like twice. speaker-2: easier than taking care of a huge is only going to get you a year. speaker-1: Yes, I absolutely loved downsizing. Did you? Loved it. Yes. And I feel like we did all of them. We downsized, we moved from one community to another about 40 minutes away. And then we actually changed our lifestyle in that we were pretty much in the city and now we are in a rural community where the closest store, mean, big store is about 25 minutes away. So I feel like that's been a huge lifestyle change for us. So we kind of done all of them in our empty nest years. speaker-3: Johnny and I just moved to Bertram, Texas, and it's about 1700 people. And as long as I have a Dollar General five minutes from me, then I'm happy. And we do. And we love it here. And we moved into a 1,065 square foot home. So we're very happy. speaker-2: Do you get your clothes and groceries and paper products and shampoo? speaker-1: Hey, I'm going to ask this last question real quick. Has any of you had a boomerang kid? And I'm going to define that for anyone that has not heard that term, but it's a young adult, typically in their twenties or thirties, who moved back in with their parent after a period of independent living. This trend is largely driven by economic factors such as living costs, student debt, or job loss, and has become a widespread new normal. in family dynamics. So any of you have Boomerang Kids? ⁓ speaker-2: We have one. speaker-3: I'm just a boomerang kid. I'm the one that goes back. speaker-2: You are Sheryl with the husband. yeah, my boomerang kid has come back due to apply all of those factors. will leave and come back. Sure, some people really. Stressful to me, but. speaker-0: And again, it's, I'm sure. Love that it's kind of. speaker-1: Yeah, it does get stressful because you've been used to being on your own, you and KC. And our first Boomerang kid came back in 2007. He had finished college he was ready to get a job in Houston, number two, and he came and lived with us. So he moved in and so we came up with a contract and we said, you have six months. to obviously find a job and you are going to stay in touch with us, communicate with us, let us know when you're not gonna be home at a certain time or you are gonna be home even though you've been on independent living, you are gonna have a curfew and you are gonna do things around the house. And after we did that, he signed the contract and then three months later moved out, found his apartment, got him a job and never came back. So that contract was a good thing. And then in 2010, my youngest son went off to college and then he came back after one year and was like, that was not for me. And he lived with us for about a year or two and then he got married. And then just recently in December, we had our daughter who has been out for a while and decided to start working on her masters and could not. do her masters, the job that she has, and live on her own. So she's living with us for a couple of years so she can finish up her masters. So, yep, we know boomerangs, and have been easier than others. Some have boomed easier than others. So we are excited to have Sandi Dodson a part our episode today. So how long have all the boys been out of the house? speaker-5: almost a full year in May. speaker-1: You've been through all the seasons, huh? speaker-5: We have been through all the seasons. speaker-1: Okay, so how did it feel the very first time you walked in to a completely quiet house after your last kid moved out? Or what was it like sitting at the dinner table, just you and your husband for the first time? speaker-5: I'd for both, we were both emotional. So dinner table or sitting on the couch, any song that was talking about kids, immediately my husband's like, all right now, that's enough of that. But then something would get to him and he would have a little tear in his eye. So we were definitely emotional. speaker-1: So y'all were both equally emotional, huh? speaker-5: say we are both definitely equal, but to give a little backstory, we had three back-to-back-to-back graduations. So our kids graduated back-to-back-to-back. So it was graduate and then take you away. the next year, graduate, take you away. And then the next year, the baby. So ⁓ my heart was broken. ⁓ speaker-1: And then the next year graduate. ⁓ Well, what was the biggest surprise then, good or bad, about becoming an empty nester? Do you feel prepared for it? I would say... speaker-5: say that the immediate halt of being needed was kind of like, don't need me to come support them at a sporting event or a project at school or you know, whatever it is, make them a snack. So that immediate halt of being needed by these three boys for 23 years was very hard to just, all right, they don't need me anymore. speaker-2: You did your job though, right? speaker-5: I do think speaker-0: that. speaker-4: Jacob and Sandi were so intricately involved in their kids' lives. ⁓ was an abrupt stop for you. I mean, with all the sports and ⁓ they were involved in. So that takes its toll when it all of a sudden comes to an abrupt stop. ⁓ speaker-5: out. speaker-1: Absolutely. So what was the moment, and maybe y'all haven't reached this moment yet, ⁓ I'm wondering, when you went, wow, this empty nest thing is actually pretty great. okay. speaker-4: I think they've reached this. speaker-5: They could be there. We have definitely got to the point of, okay, they're doing good. We are at the open door. So if they ever needed us, we're available. But having date night and conversations that are on a different level has been very nice for our relationship. so yes, vacations. where we can just, hey, let's go to Louisiana and go gamble a little bit. plans don't revolve around the kids. So it's to just do what Sandi and Jacob want to do. speaker-1: Good. That's good that y'all were having Sandi and Jacob time. Yeah. Because y'all got married and had kids. So it's like, you haven't really had that time. So that's good. So what is something fun or surprising that you've learned about your kids since they've left the nest? speaker-3: That's that. speaker-5: So we learned that they actually do love each other. They all three attend Texas State University and Mason and Cody, our oldest, are neighbors at ⁓ an apartment and Hayden lives on campus, but they will go out of their way to support each other in intramurals. They enjoy Going to dinner the other day Mason called and he's like, I'm sick. I don't feel good. I called Cody. said, Hey, you're available. Can you run and grab some stuff for him? He was there within 10 minutes. So it was nice to, it's nice to see, you know, them interact outside of the house. So it's not just here. It's there. speaker-1: Yeah, the brothers are taking care of each other. So is there anything that you miss about having kids at home or anything you don't miss? speaker-5: They are. would say I miss the conversation around the table, dinner table, the random hugs, the washer and dryer always. speaker-2: You missed that? That was one of the scenes I loved. speaker-5: I missed it because that meant they're home. So I guess that's kind of like, be a good and a bad. speaker-1: Yeah. What are you most excited about over the next few years then? speaker-5: We're really excited to see them accomplish their college dreams of finishing that up and then starting their lives outside of school. And then for Jacob and I, we would like to travel some more. And then we're constantly praying for those special young ladies for these bachelor's. speaker-1: Yeah. Hey, if our listeners have any any girls, know, certain ages, what are the ages of your sons? We'll get them hooked up right here. speaker-2: So. speaker-5: Yes, Cody's 22, Mason's 20, and Hayden's 19. speaker-1: There you go. So any listeners that have daughters that age, let's hook them up. We'll do the dating game right here. let me ask you, and I'm going to ask all of y'all this question. If you had a friend that's youngest child left for college, what would be one piece of advice you would give them? speaker-5: would say let them live their lives, but always have that open communication and the open door. If they're having a bad day, give me a call, drive home, we'll get you a full stomach, wash your clothes, and get you back to where you're trying to go. speaker-4: would just remind them that regardless of as difficult as it may seem that they have prepared them for this moment and now it's their time to fly and just embrace that because you put a lot of hard work into raising fine young men and now it's time for them to go and pursue their dreams. speaker-3: always tell people that are getting ready to go through this emptiness process that the sadness doesn't stay very long. I mean, it's bad for a couple of weeks. And then, you know, the light comes on and you you start thinking, wow, this is a different type of life. And we have to trust the process. We've given them a Christian upbringing and we got to just cut the ties. Ooh, I need to listen to my own words and let them, let them go and let them live. speaker-1: Well, doesn't it? seems like a very unnatural thing. But in reality, it is natural for when they get to that age to fly. And I mean, that's why it's called empty nest. They have left that nest. They are flying. But it seems unnatural at first, especially as women, I think. speaker-2: Yeah, I was just gonna say my advice is get to know your spouse again and yourself. speaker-0: you know, find out what you like to do of us put everything we had in speaker-2: because so many. to our kids, know, their activities, their sporting events or whatever they were involved in. loved food, loved hobbies, so pick those high. You like it's pretty important, especially for like y'all. As we had Brandon when we got married, so there wasn't that alone. speaker-0: side of what like hobbies and find out what you have to do and that spouse thing. Absolutely. And like KC and I because time and now we have that. speaker-2: In years in, we're still getting to know each other. Yes. speaker-0: I speaker-4: is going to ask. Eight years, Cherokee's been out of the house for eight years now and we have a rule that we won't go longer than six weeks. Either she's coming home or both Andy and I or just me are going to her. So with it being so fresh for you, I mean, your boys are good about coming home. You don't want them coming home every weekend or they're not making connections. But do y'all have kind of a spoken or unspoken rule about how often They're gonna come home. speaker-5: Ooh, we do not have an unspoken or spoken, but we definitely keep in contact every day because we have that group text. So if, you know, they need to come home or we need to make a trip up there, you know, we're in communication. I do know that we did try to go to one of Mason's intramural games and we got shot down. He was not having a fit in the stands being the only parents there with my big head. speaker-1: I don't blame it. speaker-3: think we did break the record at Texas State when we had Jami, Jay Paul, Sandi and Jacob out on the football intramural field ⁓ them on. Yes. Sandi's wanting to go after the ref. speaker-2: Gosh that might be the biggest cord to cut right there. Yeah speaker-1: Yeah, I was just gonna say my advice would be cut the cord. Yeah. Yes. Cut the ⁓ speaker-4: There's a trend right now that parents are going to interviews with their kids. Oh, what? And I'm sorry listeners if this offends you, but that's just a huge no. No. Yeah, no. Don't do that. speaker-5: Mm-hmm. speaker-1: Let them realize what they can do on their own. That's a sense of satisfaction to know I can accomplish this without my parents. And I think, Shelly, you made a great point that you have done all that you've had them for 18 years and you have poured into them and you have set them up for success. So let them succeed. Let them do what they have been created to do. They have a purpose and God has a plan for them. But if we keep intervening into that plan, they're never going to get there. So I love it. speaker-2: It's okay for them to fail, you know it. speaker-1: Absolutely. speaker-0: Sometimes it's speaker-2: Okay. speaker-0: And as sometimes we get that, so it's something that we. speaker-3: ⁓ I think it's important to have a safety net where if they need to come home, and I'm talking that even after they graduate from college or get into their field. And I think that Susan touched on it. You have to have rules though. And if they can't go by the rules, mean, obviously they can't stay. But yeah, I like the idea of if somebody needs to come home and get their feet on the ground, come on. speaker-2: There's a spot on the doorknob, don't come in. speaker-1: Exactly. We don't lock your doors anymore. Well, Sandi, thank you again for joining us. It's been good to hear what you have to say, especially since it's so fresh for you. And I know that God's got some good things in store for your boys, but also for you and Jacob. We hope that our listeners would share some things that they've learned either through Empty Nest or questions they have as they approach the Empty Nest and maybe speaker-2: See speaker-1: There's other listeners out there that can give them insight. But we love having you guys join us today. We love this time in our week. We want to say that we know that life is messy, meaningful, and better when shared. Thank you for joining. Don't forget to like us. speaker-3: Share us! speaker-2: Subscribe! Bye! speaker-1: Bye! My kids like like it that they... Go ahead. speaker-3: I enjoy that we can. Go ahead, Stacey. speaker-2: Hello Sheryl. Why do I have a hand up? Would I hit that? speaker-1: ⁓ movie. speaker-4: You hit it, it's some kind of, it told me, Stacey raised her hand. speaker-0: know what I did. speaker-2: Mine said the actual recording is higher quality than what you're seeing. ⁓ speaker-1: Good. Yeah. Will it make us look make us look better? speaker-4: Call 555-5555. speaker-1: Yeah, we absolutely would be speaker-3: Do one on day one. That would be funny.