Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #18: Why is My Adult Kid Still Acting Like a Child? The 2 Hidden Causes You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

Transcript

#18: Why is My Adult Kid Still Acting Like a Child? The 2 Hidden Causes You’ve Probably Never Heard Of · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: They're just not in a good place.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: They're not moving forward.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, they're stuck right where they are, and they've been that way for a while.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you know in your gut that your adult child is not thriving on their own, relying on you way too much, then this episode might just be exactly what you've been searching for.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're unpacking two of the most secretive challenges a parents face.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And although they might sound very similar, they are actually different.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time we're done here, you'll have a pretty good understanding of adult child syndrome and failure to launch.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'll provide you with actionable steps that you can take to help your adult child with either one, because knowing what you're dealing with can completely change them.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: But it starts with you, specifically your parenting approach.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: So let's begin with a simple definition of each of these issues, starting with failure to launch.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're listening to this episode for the first time, then I should tell you that the very first episode of this podcast, I focused solely on failure to launch.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So rather than repeating myself too much, I'll keep this part brief.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if you think I'm describing your adult child, then give that episode a listen after we're done here.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Failure to launch is when a child over the age of 18, even closer to 20, does not move forward into adulthood, or what we often refer to as adulting.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: They are stuck at a stage in life where they have no clear plan or desire to do anything.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: They're not interested in pursuing an education, they have no idea what career path they want to take, they almost have no motivation, except of course for gaming all night or scrolling social media.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: They avoid responsibilities and they are completely dependent on you, not just financially, but for everything.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're still preparing meals, cleaning up after them, driving them everywhere, reminding them of things to do, basically parenting them as if they're still a child.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, years ago, before they came up with a name for this, it was referred to as the Peter Pan syndrome, because Peter wanted to stay young forever, living carefree at never never land.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: He simply had no interest in growing up and becoming an adult.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what these kids are like.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Except that Peter traveled around a lot and he seemed pretty happy.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas these kids still live at home and show no interest in getting out anytime soon.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Truth is, they're pretty miserable.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Personally, I don't think that any young adult wants to be in that situation.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even think they're lazy.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Beneath the surface, there's a lot more going on with them.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: They actually have a fear of failure.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: They have low self-confidence, they're battling anxiety, even depression, and they might even have undiagnosed ADHD.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: But because it's so hard for many parents to see this, they overcompensate and enable their adult child, hoping that somehow it will resolve itself on its own.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's the very short version of failure to launch.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Again, if you want a more detailed explanation, it's in episode one.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I even provide a link for a free checklist where you can see all 15 signs.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I'll add the link here in the show notes.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk a little about adult child syndrome.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, just like failure to launch, this is not a clinical diagnosis, but it's a very real behavioral pattern that shows up in a lot of families, and it can be just as frustrating and difficult to manage as failure to launch.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Adult child syndrome is different because it doesn't focus on where they are in their life, but how they're behaving.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, they could be married with kids or have a full-time job, but they have the emotional maturity of a child, especially with their parents.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Let me paint a picture for you.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Does your adult child struggle with emotional immaturity, lashing out one minute, then giving you the silent treatment the next?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do they blame you for their problems or their unhappiness?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do they play the victim rather than take any responsibility?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do they come to you to solve every problem?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And do they have no regard for boundaries, especially with you?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: These adult kids never truly learned how to own their feelings or their choices because there was always someone else who kept jumping in to do it for them.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the kicker.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Adult child syndrome can be much harder to spot than failure to launch, because the adult child might look like they've got it all together.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because on the surface, they're out of the house, paying bills, working a job, maybe in a relationship.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: But underneath all that, they still expect their parents to fix things when life goes sideways.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: They're still emotionally stuck in a childlike mindset.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So clearly there is overlap between these two syndromes because they do stem from the same parenting styles, things like doing too much for the child instead of teaching them how to do things for themselves, shielding them from consequences in order to protect them from discomfort, and overparenting, trying to be helpful but unintentionally preventing them from building confidence and independence.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, these parenting habits come from love, there's no doubt about that, but over time, they can leave a young adult either stuck, afraid to move forward, or emotionally immature.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: The lines between failure to launch and adult child syndrome can seem blurred, but there are different approaches that parents can take to help their child to change and grow.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So if your adult child is struggling with failure to launch, here are a few of my suggestions.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Don't rescue them.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, coach.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Stop lecturing.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, guide them.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Encourage progress, not perfection.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Shift your actions from enabling to empowering them.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can listen to episode 12 for help with that.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on helping them to build life skills, which I talk about in episode nine.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just to help you get started.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: As I mentioned in the beginning, my very first episode is all about failure to launch with a lot more details.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if adult child syndrome resonates with you, then try these five suggestions.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: One, stop trying to fix their feelings.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let them learn emotional regulation by sitting with discomfort.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of being an adult.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Next, you do not need to take on the blame, guilt, or emotional baggage.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: That is not love.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's codependency.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Three, model maturity yourself.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you're that close to them, they can learn a lot from you.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: So react calmly, communicate clearly, and don't get pulled into all the drama.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're not their therapist.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Four, create emotional boundaries for yourself.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Set new limits around how much of your child's emotional weight you're willing to carry and how much of your peace you're willing to sacrifice.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then this is such a hot topic, by the way, that I actually had to create a workshop around it.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, get professional help or at least a support group so you don't feel alone.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: This can be really beneficial, especially when there's unresolved family trauma or emotional manipulation going on.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's really hard to affect this kind of change on your own.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: See, here's the thing: whether your adult child is stuck in the driveway or they're driven off but are still calling you from the car to solve every little problem, your role as their parent has to evolve.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I know how hard these challenges can be, but failure to launch and adult child syndrome are not permanent, but they won't go away until you parent them differently.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And when you learn how to do that, your adult child can mature without sacrificing your peace or your relationship with them.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode hit home and you're ready to do things differently, try some of these suggestions.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can also join me in the parenting workshop.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you'll walk away with a clear plan that redefines your relationship with your adult child, one that creates more respect for you and more independence for them.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you change the way you parent, everything else starts to change, and you will see your adult child thrive.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.