Latest / The Sexology Lab / Why Is It So Hard to Talk About? | Dr Tara | Episode 7

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Why Is It So Hard to Talk About? | Dr Tara | Episode 7 · The Sexology Lab

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Time and time and time and time again after I survey my
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students, I learned that none of them know how to talk about sex.
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They didn't even know that it's important to talk about sex
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because they think, oh, sex is instinctual, animalistic, like
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it's just what you do. Like it happens.
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That's why we have these parts. It's natural and instinctual.
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They didn't even know it's like extremely important to talk
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about sex in your relationship. Like literally, it predicts the
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quality of your relationship and the longevity of your
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relationship. Why is it so hard to talk about
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sex even with the person you're having it with?
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This is such a powerful and relatable conversation with
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Doctor Tara. Suena tichai porn.
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We get into why so many people fake orgasms instead of asking
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for what they really want, how shame and relationship dynamics
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shape our ability to communicate, and why fine sex is
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often a sign that something deeper is missing.
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Doctor Tara is a sex and relationship expert, professor,
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and author of How Do You Like It?
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Known for helping people build confidence, improve
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communication, and create more fulfilling, intimate lives, her
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work focuses on giving people practical tools about sex in a
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way that strengthens connection and satisfaction.
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If you're ready to stop avoiding the conversation and start
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creating a sex life that actually works for you, you're
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going to want to hear this one. Welcome to Sexology Lab.
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Each week, we speak with the most compelling minds in modern
1:33
sexology to ask the questions shaping the future of desire,
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connection, and human Wellness. Let's dive in.
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Hi, thanks for having me. Are you having an orgasmic day?
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Yes, I'm always having an orgasmic day at Sexual Health
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Alliance. I know, right?
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Yes. Oh, I love it.
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So today we're going to be talking about your book.
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So it's all about sexual communication.
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It's how do you like it? A guide for getting what you
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want in bed. So I want to start out with an
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uncomfortable question. Why is it easier for people to
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fake orgasms than ask for what they actually want?
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That's a question with $1,000,000 answer, right?
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Because we can talk about it from so many aspects.
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When research, we found that there are various contributing
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factors to why people feel so apprehensive bringing up
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conversations about sex with their partners.
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The very first factor that we found in research to be very
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prominent is actually people's cultural and religious
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background. We found that people who come
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from cultures where sex is taboo, it's never to be talked
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about and it's restrictive attitude towards sex.
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That's when people find the most discomfort or shame or
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embarrassment bringing up the topic of sex with their partner.
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So cultural, religious backgrounds, a huge factor
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contributing to why you're so uncomfortable bringing it up.
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The second one is factor. I mean, we do live in a society
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where talking about sex is generally frowned upon unless
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it's in comedy or like a medical setting and even medical
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setting, did you know that doctors are not trained to talk
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about sex and sexual Wellness? If you go see your general
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family doctor, right? Not a gynecologist like a family
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doctor, like they're not trained to talk to you about your sexual
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health. That goes to show that we don't
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have societal structures or systems that support sexual
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Wellness and conversations around sex.
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So secondly is society. Third is relational.
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Some people are in a relationship where the
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relationship runs in its own different schemas.
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Meaning there are like things that you talk about that's in
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your repertoire. And if you did not start the
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relationship talking about your sex life and preferences, it's
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really hard to then bring it up after you've been together, you
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know, two years, five years, 10 years, because it's like, what
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changed? Why do you want to talk about
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this now? And then lastly, people find the
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most difficult thing in bringing up conversations about sex is
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they don't want their partners to feel deficient.
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That's the hardest part. You love your partner, you're in
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a relationship, sex isn't amazing.
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You want to bring it up. You don't know how because you
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don't want them to feel attacked or deficient in any way.
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You know, because ultimately I believe people are good.
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We're good people, We're in good relationships.
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Sex could be better. But that part of like, oh, I
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don't want them to be offended for things that I want to bring
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up or giving them feedback or whatnot.
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So these are various factors. Like it's just so many things
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running against us to have a conversation about sex.
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It's so hard. Yeah, for sure.
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And it does feel a little suspicious if you've been with
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somebody for 10 years and then all of a sudden you want to talk
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about all these things. It's like, well, why?
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Like, what did I do wrong? What's wrong with our
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relationship? And it can be scary to people, I
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think. Oh my gosh.
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So I recently had a client whose husband came out to her out of
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the blue. They've been together 15 years,
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mild to her out of the blue that he's into female domination and
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he's been going to dominatrix. She was heartbroken because it's
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for her. It's like a betrayal, right?
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Like it's not even about sex, to be honest.
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When you hear something like this, it's not even about sex,
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right? It's about dynamics and power
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and exploring like their internal desires.
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And it's not about penetration or the act itself, right?
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It's about like what his preferences are and what he's
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been repressing for so long in himself and too afraid to bring
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it out and now finally brought it up because he's been away a
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lot. It's crazy how it can change
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everything. And she feels so deeply betrayed
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by everything, right? And she's like, well then I
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don't even know if I know him. You start to question
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everything. It's like you think you have
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this open communication with somebody and then you find out
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there's things you didn't know. And it's not even necessarily
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about the thing, it's about the fact that you didn't know about
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it. Yeah, Yeah.
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She's like, oh, my God, Tara, like 15 years, two kids.
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I'm just OK, what are we doing now?
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Are we going to get a divorce? What are we going to do?
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So it's tough bringing stuff up. It doesn't even have to be that
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intense. Even if you just want more
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foreplay, it could be tough bringing it up because you might
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bring up something and it might signal to your partner that the
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things they've been doing are not good enough.
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So sexual communication is tricky and it's a big skill and
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that's why I wrote a book about it.
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And before this book, how do you like it?
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I actually wrote a textbook called Sexual communication
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research in action many years ago with two of my Co workers,
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other professors. I wrote the textbook first.
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So I have all the Research Foundation and all the theories.
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Then now this 2025, I then decided it's time for my fun
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book to come out. So how do you like is about
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learning what you like, learning the language and what to say and
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then how to say them. I give so many examples, exact
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phrases for you to say yeah, or activities for you to do with
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your partner that does not include penetration.
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So the book has just a lot of value in terms of learning like
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a personal development skill. Yeah, I am so excited to like,
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learn more about this and hear your talk at our upcoming event.
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And I want to know what made you want to write this book?
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When did it click for you that people really do lack
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communication, especially sexual communication.
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My. Background is as a professor,
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I'm a 10 year professor of sexual communication at Cal
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State Fullerton and I've been a professor in general like for
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almost 15 years. So time and time and time and
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time again, after I survey my students, I learned that none of
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them know how to talk about sex. They didn't even know that it's
8:00
important to talk about sex because they think, oh, sex is
8:03
instinctual, animalistic, like it's just what you do.
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Like it happens. That's why we have these parts.
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It's natural and instinctual. They didn't even know.
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It's like extremely important to talk about sex in your
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relationship. Like literally, it predicts the
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quality of your relationship and the longevity of your
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relationship. They didn't know that.
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And then about five years ago, I started my private practice.
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I also learned that none of these people know how to talk
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about it. So it was just like a light bulb
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moment of, OK, I have now been exposed to so many people that
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do not know how to talk about sex.
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And for me to think back to when I was with my first husband, my
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first marriage, and I didn't know how to bring it up either.
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I was already teaching it. I mean, think about it.
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I was supposed to be quote UN quote expert back at that time
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when I was with my first husband and I wasn't happy.
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And I teach about these concepts in class.
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I didn't have the courage to bring it up in my relationship.
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So I know for a fact how hard it is.
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That's why I wrote this book. I'm like, OK, we need very
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specific instructions, the language of exactly like what we
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want. And then we need specific
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examples of how to say them correctly in various examples,
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like various ways. Yeah, that's why I wrote this
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book. I just see that nobody knew how
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to talk about sex even back in the day.
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I also did not know. Yeah, good guide for everybody.
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Oh, absolutely. And like you were talking about
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the beginning. If it was never modeled for you
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in your own family and society, in your culture, if you never
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saw examples of good sexual communication, we don't see it
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in media. It's like, where are you
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supposed to learn this from? Exactly.
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And being an older millennial, when I was younger, people never
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have conversations about sex even like in the media when you
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watch TV or movies. Sex scenes were so horrendously
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wrong because it's you meet in the bar, you talk, sparks fly,
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you kiss, push each other on the wall, lift her skirt, enter.
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There's no foreplay. I'm sure she's dry.
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Right. Oh, and then they both have
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incredible orgasms. Exactly time.
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Exact same time. In like less than 5 minutes.
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Like, I mean, you know, we were not taught anything, no, like
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nothing. And and so I don't want that for
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the next generation and also for my generation and for older
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generations. Like you can change.
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Anyone can change and learn and grow.
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And that's why I think even if you're a 60 year old and you're
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listening and watching to this video, I hope that you get the
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book and start like developing this skill.
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Right, 100%. All right.
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Now I want to hear your reaction to this statement.
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So somebody comes to you and they're like, my sex life is
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fine, I guess. What do you think they need to
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do next? Fine, I guess is not very
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promising, is it? No.
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And I actually get that quite often.
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It's fine, It's OK. You know, like people say, it's
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fine, it's OK. Rarely do I get it's great.
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Like, yeah, it's great. You know, whenever I get that,
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I'm like, oh, you're doing something right.
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Like that's amazing because that's a low percentage.
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I would say out of 10 people I talk to, maybe one person will
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say that, but not wild say it's fine not to say that it's not OK
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You could have an OK sex life for the rest of your life, and
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that's fine too. I'm not in a business of shaming
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people for what they're doing. Yeah, I'm here to offer the
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menu. I'm here to offer the other
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items on the menu. You can pick whatever you want.
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You can eat whatever you want. When people tell me that, what
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it signals to me is they are probably having what I call a
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mediocre sex life. So it maintains the relationship
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enough, but it's not bringing them more happiness, fulfillment
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or satisfaction. Yeah, but it's just maintenance,
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which is fine. There's a difference between
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eating OK enough to just take care of your body versus being
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healthy. It's the same thing.
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You could just have an OK sex life and just have it versus
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having a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
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But it is work. You got to put in the work.
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It's not all, you know, rainbows and butterflies.
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Right, absolutely. With anything in life, if you
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want the benefit, you do have to put in a little extra effort.
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Absolutely. And that's what I see in absence
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of it is when the relationship suffers because ultimately sex
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is never just about sex. Sex is about effort.
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Sex is about your relational dynamic and the condition of
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your relationship. Sex is about emotional safety.
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Sex is about respect. Sex is about communication.
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Sex is about your family dynamics and your kids, and a
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lot of things contribute to how well you can have your sex life.
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The capacity for it. Whenever you know, people want
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to say that, oh, like, I want a better sex life.
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Like tell me one thing to do. Like it's kind of tough because
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sex isn't just about the act of penetration.
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I think in your life has to be going well as well.
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If you are in a disrespectful relationship where your partner
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rarely asks about how you feel emotionally when they listen to
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you, they often cut you off and say something else.
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You're not going to want to have sex with them, right?
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So there's many things in the relationship has to go right to
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have sex. So when people don't have sex
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for a long time, it typically means something.
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In research, we call this symbolic interactionism because
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the theory of symbolic interactionism tells us that
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every interaction symbolizes something, so the lack of sex
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also symbolizes other things, not just about sex.
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Yeah. Oh, that is so interesting.
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I love that. All right, now I want to know,
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is there a moment in your book that tends to be like, the
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biggest? Oh, moment for readers.
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Oh, it's actually the very first chapter.
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Oh yeah, love it. Dive right in.
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Oh, yeah, And I get you with the ocean with the first chapter
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because I want you to immediately, like, switch into
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this mindset. The first chapter is called what
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is your sexual profile? And just like when you go see
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your doctor at the hospital for an annual checkup, they need to
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know how you're doing. Are there any conditions like
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sleeping well? They need to measure your
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weight, your height, your eyeballs.
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You know, they shine the light, your eyeballs, they look in you
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to your mouth, your tongue. They check your ears.
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They need to assess how you're doing.
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So the first chapter of the book is assessing who you are in bed
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because like I said earlier, one of the biggest problems is
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people don't even know what they truly want and have the
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language, like they don't know what to say.
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The first chapter, you take the sex personality test called
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Doctor Tara's sexual profile. Then you'll learn the four
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dimensions of sexuality and who you are.
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So you have the words for it. Are you dynamic and consistent?
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Are you traditional kinky? Are you monogamous or flexible?
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Are you animalistic or gentle? So after taking this test and
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have the language, you then now can talk about it with your
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partner. The old moment comes in when
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couples take this quiz together and then they realize they don't
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have a lot in common. Yeah, Oh shit moment.
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That is, they're complete opposites.
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Maybe. Yeah, sometimes they are.
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Like, actually one of my best friends, she and her husband
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took the quiz and she was like, oh, Tara, out of four things, we
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only have one thing in common. Yep, that's fine.
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That's normal. It's never about being exactly
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the same. Yeah, I would assume that
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creates a lot of like interest, you know, in the relationship
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and some very interesting dynamics when you're very
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different in bed. Totally.
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I love that perspective, Michelle.
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That's like that's so positive. Thank you.
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I try to be positive. It's true because that means the
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other person can bring something to bed that you're not usually
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used to. And maybe it's not your
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preference, but maybe if you keep an open mind and you try
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it, that can be a good additional thing in your sex
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life and your sexual repertoire. In the book I talk about, it's
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not a doomed if you and your partner are not exactly the same
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in add ability of these dimensions.
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It's a point of conversation, yeah.
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And then you can find erotic solutions together because there
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are solutions to everything. And the book offers so many
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erotic solutions. A lot of them include non
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penetrative sex. I'm a big fan of expanding our
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definitions of what sex means because people think sex that
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counts in penetrated sex. Yeah, but I'm a big fan of
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expanding the definition of what sex means because sex can be
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like 100 different activities, and all of these activities can
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bring you closer together and help you feel sexually
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connected, and that's why you want to do them.
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We want to have sex to, of course, have sexual
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gratification, but also we want to feel sexually connected.
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So I'm offering all these activities as erotic solutions
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for people to try. Are you curious about sexology?
17:10
Do you want to further integrate sexology into your work or your
17:14
life? Well friends, then we've got
17:16
something just for you. It's called the Sexology
17:19
Practice Guide and it walks you through the ways this shows up
17:22
in your work in your life and guides you through working
17:26
within your scope, incorporating intimacy and sexual health into
17:30
your work without starting over. Download this short practical
17:35
guide at sexologylab.com/guide dot sexologylab.com/guide and
17:42
while you're here, make sure to subscribe and share.
17:45
And now back to the show. Now I want to give the audience
17:49
some instant gratification right now.
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So if someone wanted to improve their sexual communication this
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week, what's the first thing you'd have them try?
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I would say the easiest way to have this conversation is to use
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what I call the media mentioned method.
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Basically say, hey, I watched this podcast and they were
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talking about monthly sexual check insurance.
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Like have you ever heard about it?
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And then do you think about it, open up the conversation with a
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topic mentioning that you heard it from somewhere else?
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This is not your idea. So you don't have to be the
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person confronting the other person of what you exactly want.
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Right 'cause that can be really scary.
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This is the atheist way. It's like, I heard about this
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from a podcast. What do you think?
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Have you heard of it? Then it opens up a dialogue.
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Then they say something, you say something, they say something
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reciprocity. So then now you're talking about
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sexual check insurance. Maybe you'll do them.
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And when the relationship isn't in the position that you can
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have sexual check insurance, what they are is I call them
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sexy check insurance and it's a monthly check in.
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And actually last night I had my book signing event where I did
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the sexy check in live with my husband Apple.
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You did. Oh, I love that so.
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Like how exactly we do it and it wasn't planned at all because I
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was just talking about sexy check insurance.
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And then I realized it's very theoretical unless your
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partner's doing it with you to show people.
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I was just asking him like, are you OK?
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Like literally in the middle of the stage and he's like, yeah,
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let's do it. So then we show the sexual check
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in. So basically, you asked your
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partner, how would you rate our sex life this last month from
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1:00 to 10:00 and 1:00? And then after that
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conversation, you also want to ask a follow up, how can we
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improve that score by one point next month?
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Yeah. And I emphasize the one point
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because in positive psychology research as well as in
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neuroscience, we know that people are more likely to stick
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to new habits or new activities or improving things when the
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goal isn't too out of reach. My husband shared, Oh, well,
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this last month we did have an amazing things like this last
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month. So he's like, well, this last
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month was 10 it. Was 10, yeah.
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But then he said, but I'll be honest, the month before was 6
20:06
and it was so real. And we talked about both of
20:08
those times and we talked about what what the differences were
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and what we did to improve that. And I mean, it improved by 4
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points, which is like insane. But we also put in a lot of work
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because we knew it was in a challenging time when it was 6.
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That's a conversation that you need to have.
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It's hard, it's not pleasant in that moment, but it's an
20:28
investment. You put in an investment to
20:30
improve your relationship and get a return later, Yeah.
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And it's not super complex. I think that's something most
20:36
people can do with their partner.
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It doesn't take very long. You know, I think it's, you
20:42
know, it is that instant gratification strategy that I
20:45
was looking for. Yeah, exactly.
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You can immediately do that tonight.
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You can say, you know, I listened to this podcast with
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Michelle and Doctor Tara. They talked about sexual check
20:55
in. So interesting.
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What do you think? What a great way to start that
20:59
conversation. I love having real language
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examples that people can use. Yeah and to be honest, I've
21:07
heard so many people that said, you know, when it comes to sex,
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can you just give me exactly what to say?
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Cuz I don't want to construct my own sentence and say the wrong
21:15
things. So that's why I'm like just ask
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this question. And also sometimes it's easier
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for people to give it a rating. I know a lot of people are not a
21:24
fan because it just feels a bit formulaic and how can I quantify
21:28
my sex life. But actually the majority of the
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people, it's easier to come up with a number than a bunch of
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words because they don't know how to talk about it.
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But if they had to kind of take note of, okay, this last month,
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how am I feeling? Well, you know, I think we're at
21:45
about 7:00. It's easier for some people to
21:48
do that. That's why I'm offering this
21:49
method. Yeah, love it.
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It starts the conversation. It's an easy way to get started.
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All right, now I want to know about sexual confidence.
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All right, so sexual self esteem is foundational.
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And how is sexual self esteem different from just your regular
22:07
everyday confidence or even desire or libido?
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Your sexual self esteem is internal.
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Your sexual confidence is external.
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When you like, you walk around, you meet people and when people
22:20
say like, Oh my God, you're so confident.
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That's usually not all the time, but usually a product of working
22:26
on your self esteem. You have a high self esteem,
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right? You have a positive view of
22:30
yourself. You know you are capable, you
22:33
know you're worth, you love yourself.
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And then you exude confidence. People usually see a confident
22:38
person. They don't usually approach you
22:40
and say like wow you must have a high self esteem.
22:43
Right. Just saying like wow, you seem
22:46
so confident because that's what you see.
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What people see is your confidence.
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So confidence is external, self esteem is internal.
22:55
Can you fake confidence? Yes you can.
22:57
People that are seemingly confident on the outside, right?
23:01
But then on the inside it's just a rap shambles.
23:04
Yes, you can fake confidence, but you can't fake too long
23:07
because it's hard. It's like you're wearing this
23:10
mask of a fake person this whole time.
23:12
It's very difficult. It's challenging to be a fake
23:15
confident person. But when you truly work
23:17
internally on yourself esteem, you can show up confidently
23:21
because it's just who you are. You believe yourself, you know
23:24
your capabilities, you love yourself, you know your words.
23:26
So sexual self esteem is similar to like your general self
23:32
esteem, right? Like, you know, you're capable,
23:33
you feel good about yourself, but it's particularly within the
23:36
context of your own sexuality. Researchers actually separated
23:40
them because they realize that there are people that have high
23:43
self esteem but not high sexual self esteem, which is so
23:47
interesting, right? Like you wouldn't think that if
23:49
I had to guess, I wouldn't think that.
23:50
I would think if you have a high self esteem, you, you know your
23:53
words, you love yourself, you're good, you should be good with
23:55
your sexuality. You could be sexually confident,
23:58
get what you want, come all the time.
24:00
Come all the time, yeah. All the time.
24:03
But that's not true, it's separated.
24:05
So that's why I wrote a whole chapter in my sexual self
24:10
Esteem. Really deeply explore the
24:12
concept, how you can improve that and how you can work
24:17
internally so that you don't have to fake it externally.
24:20
I think that is so important because somebody could really
24:23
like kick ass at their job and feel like they are a super
24:26
confident person all the time, but then they get into the
24:28
bedroom and they do not feel the same way there and they might be
24:32
like, oh, what's wrong with me? Like I'm usually so confident.
24:35
So I think that's really important to make that
24:37
difference and, you know, help people understand that a little
24:40
bit better. Totally.
24:41
And so many people, particularly my students after that, like the
24:46
lecture about self sexual self esteem, they're always like, Oh
24:48
my God, that's crazy. I never thought about that being
24:51
a separate thing. You just think a confident
24:53
person probably have a great sex life.
24:55
Not true. Separate things, two separate
24:57
domains. And actually, if I think about
24:59
my private practice and all the people I've met throughout the
25:02
last 5 1/2 years, there have been so many successful,
25:06
confident people, men and women in my practice that are not
25:10
doing well sexually. That's a telltale sign.
25:12
Just because they're confident and successful in what they do
25:16
doesn't mean they have a good sex life.
25:18
It's a whole different thing. You have to work on it, right?
25:20
So what's 1 tip somebody listening could use to build
25:23
their sexual confidence? Consistently do sexual
25:28
affirmations. A big fan of reading and
25:30
listening to podcasts about positive psychology because I'm
25:33
trying to always improve myself. What are some small things that
25:37
I can do to basically and have the best life possible?
25:41
The more fulfilling life, the most fun, engaging life.
25:44
What I found through reading and doing research is that when you
25:48
engage in positive sexual affirmations, it's basically a
25:53
part of positive self talk. There's a lot of research shows
25:57
when you tell yourself enough about something, your brain
26:02
starts to believe it and then it becomes a part of your identity
26:07
and who you are. So you have to think about it as
26:12
an investment. Like you start doing it today.
26:14
It's not immediately tonight going to make you feel hot and
26:17
sexy, but after you do it for like 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks.
26:23
And you know, like me, I've done it for years.
26:25
Every single day I write a sentence in my journal.
26:29
I write a long journal, but only one sentence is about my sex
26:32
life or my sexuality. I can write I am a sex goddess,
26:35
or I value my sexuality, or I exude sexual charisma, or I can
26:42
enjoy my orgasm fully. Whatever positive affirmations,
26:47
There are a lot in the book. Whatever you relate to, use
26:50
that. Say that to yourself every day
26:52
in the mirror, or just say it in a car, or write it down in your
26:55
journal. Doing that every day will
26:58
improve your sexual self esteem for sure.
27:02
I love that you give examples in the book because I would have
27:04
never thought about this. Like I've used positive
27:07
affirmations in my own life, I've used them through therapy
27:10
for all different things, but never would I have thought to
27:13
use them for sexuality or sexual confidence.
27:17
So what are cool philosophy? I love it.
27:19
Thank you so much. I mean, in my journal I'll write
27:21
stuff about work. I manifest making a million this
27:25
year. I manifest living by the beach.
27:27
I live by the now. Earlier last year I manifested 3
27:31
TV shows and half three TV shows.
27:34
And then I always do one sentence about my sexuality
27:37
because it's such a core identity of every human being,
27:41
right? It's just write one thing.
27:43
Anything. Sometimes I write like I love my
27:45
breast. Like yes, anything about your
27:48
sexuality or your body or your identity all.
27:51
Right. Well, now you've inspired me.
27:52
I'm going to start keeping a journal and doing this.
27:55
I love the idea, it's great. Yeah, it's really, it's.
27:58
I'm going to show it to you. Actually, it's right here.
28:00
Yeah. This is my journal.
28:03
It's actually my personal journal.
28:05
It says. I don't know if you can see it.
28:06
It says haven't. Worked.
28:07
Oh my gosh, I love that. Did you have that made just for
28:10
you or do you have those in stock for other people to get?
28:14
I had it made for me and and for gifts for my close friends.
28:18
I love it. It says have an orgasmic day.
28:20
I write like the universe supports me.
28:23
I have an amazing sexuality. I'm thankful for my life and all
28:27
the opportunities. I'm a lucky girl.
28:30
It reinforces all the good things in my life.
28:32
I think like it reinforces my good energy and high frequency
28:36
so I can show up always in high vibrations, meet people, exude
28:40
the positive energy. And it doesn't mean I don't go
28:43
through hard times. Like I said, a couple months ago
28:45
we were rating our sex lives at six.
28:47
There were hard times. We work on them.
28:49
Right, which that's the natural ebb and flow of relationships.
28:53
I think it would be a little bit weird if everybody was a 10 all
28:56
the time and never had anything lower than a.
28:59
I feel like that would be you have no job and like you, you
29:02
have no bills, no taxes all day. I'm just in lingerie, having
29:06
caviar at the beach. Then maybe maybe.
29:09
Right. So maybe there's like one person
29:11
out there like that's their life.
29:14
But even that I know a lot of housewives of very successful
29:18
wealthy husbands that are in my practice saying I'm not happy
29:22
even that caviar by the beach life isn't giving you the best,
29:26
most fulfilling sex life. Right, exactly.
29:28
So with without the tools, without needing to know what
29:32
there is to know about sexual communication, you can have all
29:35
the money in the world, you can be laying at the beach, but
29:37
still not be totally satisfied because you need these skills.
29:41
You know, sometimes I like look at Forbes magazine or whatever
29:45
and I'll like see pictures of these people and I always wonder
29:48
if they have a good sex life. Elon Musk, he does not look like
29:52
he has a good sex life. I think there would be a lot
29:56
more positive good energy if he did.
29:59
Yeah, like, I don't know, just yeah.
30:02
People equate money and career, a successful life.
30:07
I think a successful life has many more facets.
30:09
Than that. Totally agree.
30:11
I know we've been really positive throughout the podcast
30:13
but I do want to talk about a mistake.
30:16
Like what is the most common mistake people make when they
30:19
finally try to talk about sex with their partner?
30:22
Approaching the conversation as a criticism, even though they're
30:27
like, I'm doing this because I want us to improve and grow
30:29
together. It doesn't matter.
30:31
You can't approach it as a criticism.
30:32
You can't approach it as you don't really do this.
30:35
You don't ever want to approach sexual communication, pointing
30:38
out what they don't do. You don't ever want to do that
30:41
because then people immediately get defensive and then they go
30:45
into attack mode. Then they think about what you
30:47
don't do and what they're not happy with you and then come
30:51
back and it just becomes an unproductive conversation.
30:55
I've seen this, witness this first hand a lot with couples
30:58
that come to my practice. Like what?
30:59
I want them to start talking. This is how they talk.
31:01
For example, the husband goes like, yeah, you don't ever
31:04
initiate. I initiate all the time.
31:06
You don't ever initiate. That's a terrible way to start
31:08
this conversation about sexual initiation, because then she
31:11
goes like, well, then I do everything around the house.
31:14
If you do that, maybe I'll initiate.
31:15
That's a big mistake. I see this a lot too with just
31:18
general communication. If you come at somebody with
31:22
negatives and a bad attitude, that just starts everything off
31:25
with a really bad vibe and it's not going to be a very
31:28
productive conversation. No, I see that a lot in work
31:31
too. Yeah, you got to bring a good
31:33
vibe and good intentions to the conversation and just start it
31:37
out with healthy communication. Exactly.
31:40
A lot of my students will say, well, but then what if I'm
31:43
upset? I can't bring good vibes?
31:45
Like if I'm about something I said, well then take a moment.
31:48
Take a moment to yourself. Maybe you even write it down.
31:51
My husband is really good at writing things down when he's
31:54
upset and then have a conversation about it later
31:57
like. I love that.
31:59
I remember the last time we had an argument.
32:01
And yes, arguments are healthy. Like, I love that when we have
32:06
an argument, we can get through and find a way to resolve
32:10
solutions. So last time we had an argument,
32:13
he actually said, like, I OK, I actually need some time.
32:17
Can we talk about this tomorrow, please?
32:19
I'll come back on this. And, you know, the egotistical
32:23
me would be like, no, no, no, we need to like sit here and work
32:25
it through right now, right? Because that's how I but then
32:29
the more empathetic side of me is, oh, he processes everything
32:32
so much slower and he wants to write things down.
32:36
So I'm like, all right, tomorrow, but no later than
32:39
tomorrow. I was like, yes, OK, so then we
32:41
have a conversation. He brought like a whole page of
32:44
paper that he typed out his thoughts.
32:47
Yeah. And it was a much more
32:49
productive conversation. Then just take a step back and
32:53
think about it and then have a conversation.
32:54
Yeah, I love that advice. You have to be emotionally
32:57
regulated. You have to understand your
32:58
partner's communication style, because my husband and I are the
33:01
same way. He likes to resolve things.
33:03
Right now, in the moment, I'm more of the thinker.
33:06
We're totally different, you know, and so over time we've had
33:09
to adapt and learn each other's communication styles.
33:12
I would love to know what your your guys's sexual profiles are.
33:17
So I would too take the test and then let's know.
33:20
Yes, I it will. Oh my gosh.
33:22
Yeah. That sounds like so much fun.
33:23
That's going to be our Valentine's activity.
33:25
There you go, and then do one of the erotic solutions.
33:29
Yes. Oh I love it.
33:30
I will be in touch with the results.
33:32
Yes, please let me know. It's always fun to hear from
33:34
people because I love using it as examples.
33:36
I would I never use names, just yeah.
33:38
Love you telling people examples of how people can be similar or
33:42
different. Definitely.
33:43
Well, before we go, I want to do a quick lightning round.
33:46
So you could answer these in just a couple words or a
33:49
sentence, but I've got 4 OK, one sexual communication myth that
33:54
you want gone forever. That talking about sex is not
33:57
sexy. Thing about that might not be
33:59
sexy in that moment, but it's an investment for a much sexier
34:02
life. Absolutely.
34:04
All right, The most underrated turn on.
34:06
What massages? Oh yeah.
34:09
People do it enough. Yeah.
34:11
Oh, totally agree. All right.
34:13
A question everyone should ask a partner, but rarely does.
34:17
What else can I do for you? Love that.
34:19
All right, last one. A phrase that instantly improves
34:22
sexual communication. I adore you and I desire you.
34:25
Oh. So good.
34:26
One more thing before we go. You presented with Sexual Health
34:30
Alliance a few times already. Do you have a favorite thing
34:33
about presenting with Sexual Health Alliance?
34:35
What's your experience been like with us?
34:37
Oh my God, I would say my favorite thing has to be the
34:40
Q&A. We have such lively Q&A.
34:43
People that come to Sexual Health Alliance are really
34:47
people that are just hungry for knowledge, but they themselves
34:50
know a lot too. So it's always a great, vibrant
34:54
Q&A section. I love it.
34:56
I love that moment, and I'm always so honored to be
34:58
surrounded by such wonderful, educated people with a growth
35:03
mindset. So it's an honor to be
35:06
presenting at Shah again this upcoming meeting.
35:09
Yes. Oh thank you so much.
35:10
I totally agree. Our community is so lively and
35:12
engaged and really is the best. All right.
35:15
Well, thank you so much, Doctor Tara.
35:17
We are looking forward to seeing you at our upcoming event.
35:21
Thank you. All right, thanks for watching
35:23
everyone. Bye bye.
35:26
Don't forget to subscribe on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, or
35:31
wherever you listen. Links are in the description
35:34
below.