Latest / CALL ME MISTRESS / TALKING COMMUNITY ISSUES WITH KIT BOND

Transcript

TALKING COMMUNITY ISSUES WITH KIT BOND · CALL ME MISTRESS

0:05
Hi, welcome to the latest episode of Mistress Mia's
0:08
Dungeon. I'm your Hostess, Mistress Mia,
0:11
and you know, today I have a special guest.
0:14
I have Kit Bond. That sounds so fucking perky,
0:21
doesn't it? Only you.
0:24
Only me. All right, So Kit, tell
0:29
everyone, how long have you been in the lifestyle?
0:31
What's your role? What do you identify as?
0:34
So I've been involved since I would say winter of 2016.
0:39
So it's been a considerable amount of years and I identify
0:42
as a sub leaning more into a slave with my primary partner.
0:48
But there are certainly people that know me as a service top.
0:51
OK, so we decided we're going to talk about four specific things.
0:57
And I know a lot of our listeners, and I'll go ahead and
1:00
say that 80% of our listeners are men.
1:02
And a lot of things they don't quite get into is the whole
1:08
realization that they come to events and they're always afraid
1:14
it's going to be a sausage party.
1:19
So tell us about that. So I think that there's a few
1:26
things, but I suppose we'll limit it to four things today,
1:29
yes, that I feel are universally observed in every kink
1:35
community. Of course, limiting that from an
1:38
American perspective, I've never been to another kink community
1:41
in another country. But in America, there are some
1:44
specific key issues that I think you can see in every party.
1:49
One of the major ones is, is like you mentioned there is what
1:54
I think are unrealistic expectations among the male
1:58
population or male identifying population in kink party
2:03
environments, OK. And I think a lot of that has to
2:06
do with the fact that our kink has become more organized.
2:11
It's become a commercialized thing where people are seeking
2:15
to generate revenue from hosting these parties.
2:18
And the reality is in our environments, male presenting
2:23
people are the dominant guests at these parties.
2:27
They are the majority. Very much has to do with vanilla
2:33
society. Those are just societal roles.
2:36
And the issue is that when that's the majority and you have
2:41
commercialized kink, that's the clientele that you're attempting
2:45
to appeal to. And a common complaint among
2:48
your male guests in general at your average party is that they
2:52
felt like it was a sausage fest in their words.
2:56
And that just happens when there's not enough women, or I
2:59
suppose single women or passable trans women in their own words,
3:06
exist at this party and are floating around that are readily
3:10
available for any potential play.
3:13
And this is unfair. This is unfair to the organizer.
3:16
It's unfair to women that are just attempting to be in a kink
3:20
space and have a good time because the onus of the
3:24
entertainment is placed on everyone but the men who are
3:28
griping about it. They don't realize that women
3:30
are the minority because a lot of them are really uncomfortable
3:34
coming out as kinky. And you know it comes from a
3:37
lifetime being slut shamed I believe.
3:39
So that is a common problem. You will see at every party that
3:43
it's it's a lot of men you get RSVP ING, it's a lot of men that
3:46
you get showing up and there's nothing wrong with men.
3:49
Most of my friends are men. I enjoy hanging out with men.
3:53
They're great. They're wonderful to hang out
3:56
with. But it's very unfair if you're
3:58
trying to organize something nice for people and they don't
4:02
want to return because they feel like, well, it's just it's all
4:06
men, and that's not what I'm here for.
4:09
So the Griswolds went to a recent party and when they
4:13
walked in to this event, they walked towards the back where
4:17
they had an indoor pool and there was three single guys just
4:22
there in the room by the pool by themselves naked.
4:27
One guy was literally letting his Dick hang off the side of
4:31
the pool into the water. And her husband, Ellen's
4:38
husband, said, hey, Ellen, why don't you go over and, you know,
4:41
just make a move? You know, I'm sure he puts the
4:44
shit out there. You know, he wants to get
4:46
fucked. And she's like, I want to chase.
4:48
I want somebody to, you know, romance me a little bit, you
4:51
know, something, right? But I think a lot of these guys
4:54
are so open, and they have that expectation.
4:58
Like you said, they automatically assume that
5:01
everybody is willing to want to have sex at certain events.
5:06
And that's why my number one rule on my board is not everyone
5:09
wants to fuck you. Yeah.
5:11
You know, yeah, it's a good rule to have and you really don't see
5:13
that a lot. In a lot of dungeons.
5:15
They usually have a rule about how safe word and not touching
5:18
things that aren't theirs. That was actually refreshing to
5:21
see that as one of the number one.
5:22
I'm glad. I'm glad you like that.
5:24
No, that I think that's good. I've been to quite a few
5:26
dungeons around the US and that that's pretty.
5:29
That's pretty novel, yeah. You have that a lot of people
5:32
are kind of taken aback by it because they read it and they
5:34
laugh at it and they kind of reflect for a second and then
5:37
they realize, oh, but you know, I've had men come up to me and
5:40
they're like, Mia, I don't get it.
5:42
Why? Why am I not with somebody?
5:45
Like, why won't somebody fuck me?
5:47
And I'm like, because you look like dog shit.
5:50
You know, I know I said 4 main issues, but that brings me to
5:53
1/5. OK, there you go.
5:55
Yeah. You know, because that's
5:57
interesting. I think I observed this just
5:58
about everywhere. The the other.
6:01
The other problem that you probably notice in most
6:03
communities in these spaces is that there is implicit consent.
6:09
I'm not agreeing with that. I'm saying the mindset of people
6:12
who have voiced apprehension about going to another party or
6:17
have voiced dissatisfaction with that party have gone in with the
6:21
mindset that I'm here, you're here, we're all down to play,
6:25
we're all down to fuck. That's what they think.
6:28
There is this air of if you're here, there's implicit consent
6:32
performer, get the fuck out. Yeah, and that's everywhere.
6:35
Yeah, and it's crazy. It's crazy to think.
6:38
That it leaves you dissatisfied. It leaves you to because it's an
6:41
instant gratification approach. Now, I will say that years ago
6:45
we had this one woman and I don't know if you'd met her at
6:50
this point, but but she comes out like a big fucking gorilla
6:56
and she says, I don't get it, why can't I get laid?
7:00
And I'm liking Whoa, maybe because of your personality.
7:06
Yeah, yeah, some people with their own worst enemy in that
7:10
regard. I'm sorry you're trying to be
7:12
very professional with this and I really appreciate that.
7:15
I just, you know me, I sometimes I have, you know, zero class.
7:20
Yeah, it's all right. We all know it's.
7:23
Funny, we all know fucking. Sorry I'm just a little too
7:25
sober I guess. I don't think I have any alcohol
7:31
in my mini fridge today, but next time we're going to break
7:33
out the wine for sure. All right, so tell us your next
7:38
dilemma. OK, so this goes back to the
7:41
idea that we've now become kind of a consumer society when it
7:45
comes to kink. You know, parties are like, you
7:50
know, Burger King. You want it your way.
7:53
You want to go in, get it fast, leave somewhat satisfied and
7:58
hope to God that you don't purge everything you consumed.
8:01
Right. So gonna throw up.
8:03
Yeah. It's become commercialized, and
8:06
it has eroded intimacy. And what leads us to to an that
8:10
leads us to another problem. The problem is that you have a
8:16
seemingly universal issue with clicks.
8:20
They exist. They're everywhere.
8:21
Yes, they're in the vanilla world.
8:24
Yes. You know, you will not get rid
8:25
of them. It's a totally human thing to
8:27
happen. But it's a problem in so far as
8:33
we're constantly telling people in the kink community we're
8:36
open, we're welcoming, you're her fellow weirdo.
8:40
You can be weird with us and it's safe.
8:43
It's a safe space. But what people don't seem to
8:46
realize is that clicks actually erode the safe space
8:50
environment. What will commonly happen is a
8:53
click will come in and the vibe in the environment has changed,
8:59
at least on some level. Yeah, there's a shift.
9:01
Right. Yeah, There's some sort of shift
9:03
because now you feel like, you know, there's a click in a
9:06
specific area. I feel like I can't be there.
9:09
Yeah. You know, at risk of being
9:11
accused of being in crouching on their space or being in
9:15
crouching on even their person. Really.
9:19
It changes the dynamic. If you and this click have a
9:22
mutual friend, sometimes it could change your decision of
9:26
whether or not you want to play at all, because this click is
9:29
now there gawking at you and you don't feel safe.
9:33
You don't want to play under those conditions.
9:36
So I think it's a problem. I think that if we're going to
9:40
embrace that we are a community of weirdos wherever in the US we
9:44
may be, if we're a community of weirdos, we need to make more of
9:48
an effort to break out of our cliques, break out of our
9:51
comfort zone the same way we do with weapons of ass destruction.
9:55
Yeah, You know, we break out of our comfort for that.
9:58
Just. Go and say hi to someone you
10:00
don't know and you know. Try to be approachable and try
10:06
to have a meaningful conversation with people.
10:08
Sticking to your same clique is not going to do anything but
10:12
make other people around you feel uncomfortable.
10:15
Yeah. You know, you and I had this
10:18
discussion, I told you when I went to Europe and I went to
10:21
this dungeon and it was more or less, you know, it looked like
10:24
an old Chinese restaurant. And they had the buffet in the
10:26
corner. And I'm thinking, oh, dim sum
10:30
and somebody's getting beat over there.
10:33
Man, we're just such hungry bitches.
10:35
I'm telling you, you're hungry bitches.
10:37
But, you know, it was funny because, you know, I brought my
10:40
husband in on a leash and he was dressed as a GIMP, you know,
10:42
couldn't see his face, you know, sexy motherfucker with his ass
10:46
hanging out. Cute ass.
10:48
Anyway, people were staring and nobody came up and like, you
10:55
know, welcomed us. And I thought, well, you know,
10:57
they don't know us. We're new.
10:59
You could tell we're really not very European looking.
11:02
I don't know. But it was just really weird.
11:05
And then what was funny is they had all the single guys dress in
11:09
black bikinis and all these guys are walking around in like the
11:13
bathhouse section where you can literally walk through and play
11:17
in certain rooms. And they're just like rubbing
11:19
their Dicks and staring at me. And I'm like, God have mercy, I
11:24
don't speak Dutch right now motherfucker, but quit staring
11:27
at me. Yeah.
11:29
But it is, it's weird. Nobody wants that vibe of this,
11:34
this being the odd man out, you know?
11:37
And that's why I always tell everybody, you know, you come to
11:39
a party. I don't want the fucking clicks,
11:41
you know? Yeah, there's another organizer
11:44
here too that feels the same way.
11:45
He's he feels like, you know, he wants to bust up clicks.
11:48
It's it's time to just, you know, if you're going to be, you
11:53
know, presenting as this welcoming part of a community,
11:56
then do it. If you want to be, you know, an
12:00
exclusive group of people, fine. That's cool, too.
12:04
But then don't portray yourself as though you're a welcoming
12:08
member of a community that embraces other fellow weirdos.
12:12
Absolutely. Why?
12:13
Why be duplicitous like that? What is the end goal?
12:17
And I mean, that just goes back to, like I said, the
12:19
commercialization of kink has eroded intimacy.
12:23
And because that intimacy is eroded, this kind of this
12:25
awkwardness, no one wants to admit it.
12:27
No one wants to admit these parties are awkward.
12:31
Yeah, they're awkward because you don't want to be stared at
12:35
while someone's touching themselves.
12:37
OK, that's just not what you came there.
12:38
For it's. Not it's not now if you knew the
12:41
person, maybe you might have been comfortable with it.
12:44
Maybe you know, but it's these parties are no longer invite
12:48
only parties among people that you know that know each other
12:53
and are comfortable with each other.
12:54
They're now, you know, hey in, you know, RSVP here, pay your
12:59
cash at the door, show up, whatever.
13:02
And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with those
13:04
kind of parties, but it does create less of an intimate, more
13:09
of an awkward situation that causes people to click up
13:14
because they don't feel safe in an awkward environment.
13:17
They feel like, OK, this is an unknown.
13:20
I don't understand what's going on.
13:21
I don't know these people, I don't know what's going to
13:24
happen. But I feel better with my buddy
13:26
here. Yeah, absolutely.
13:27
Yeah, it's a totally normal human response.
13:30
There's nothing inherently evil about clicks.
13:32
It's just it's a self eating snake.
13:36
At some point the wheel has to be broken.
13:39
So yeah, I do think commercialization of kink is
13:41
kind of at the root of that. I'm with you.
13:45
So what's the next topic? So still speaking about
13:48
commercialization of kink here, it does lead us to another
13:52
problem and that is so going back to commercialization of
13:56
kink as as something that has brought on a special subset of
14:01
problems. As I said before, men are the
14:05
majority, you know, for good or bad, indifferent.
14:07
It doesn't matter. The fact is they're the
14:08
majority. And that brings about the issue
14:12
of women being a minority. So it goes without saying that
14:18
in most kink communities, you'll probably observe the issue that,
14:23
you know, a single woman walks in.
14:25
What's the first thing most people do in these communities?
14:28
They turn around and just like I want to hound them.
14:30
Right. Yeah.
14:32
Yeah, that happens everywhere. Fresh meat.
14:34
Right. There's a specific reason why
14:37
that is. It's because, you know, a lot of
14:40
women that come into this are coming in with a partner
14:43
already. That's very common.
14:45
It's common for people to come in as a couple or even already
14:49
as an established closed polycule.
14:52
That's common. It's very uncommon to see a
14:54
single woman who has made the decision to go from vanilla to
14:57
kink and to do this entirely alone.
15:00
It's quite uncommon. And what people are thinking is,
15:03
oh, she's new, there's some good opportunity here for play.
15:07
She's unpartnered, so I won't have any barriers of accessing
15:10
her. See, because that's the real
15:12
problem. The problem is not anyone's
15:14
partnered. The problem is that their
15:16
partner is probably in a closed dynamic with them.
15:20
And that's common as well. So when they see that there's a
15:24
single woman, single women get certain privileges.
15:29
They do. We see it all the time.
15:30
When you see an event online, sometimes you see gendered
15:33
pricing that goes back to men don't want a sausage fest at the
15:38
parties, so they incentivize women going in there.
15:41
They charge them less to get in. Some of them even get in for
15:43
free. So they have agree with that.
15:47
No, I, I don't agree with gendered pricing at all.
15:50
Yeah. I don't.
15:50
Either No, because I think that it creates a situation where a
15:54
woman is a commodity. Yeah, and not a person.
15:57
You can be a single woman, go into a party and play with no
15:59
one. You could be an asexual single
16:02
woman, go into a party and play with no one.
16:05
Yeah, I've heard of some of our trans friends even be
16:07
questioned, you know, what they identify as and what they are
16:11
genetically. And it's like, why is it
16:13
anyone's business? Right, right.
16:15
That is a problem from an organizer's standpoint.
16:18
You know, a lot of people consult me about how to start
16:20
their groups, their parties, things like this.
16:22
So I do, I do fill a lot of advisor roles around the United
16:24
States. And so a lot of their their
16:27
problem is I want to do gender pricing.
16:28
OK, Why? Well, because we have too many
16:31
men around here, and I would just want to make sure there's a
16:33
good mix of women. OK, that's noble enough.
16:35
You want to make sure it's a pretty mixed up group.
16:38
There's nothing wrong with that. What are you going to do when
16:40
you get a trans person show up? Go.
16:43
They can't answer me. Exactly.
16:45
They can't answer me, I said. You're definitely not going to
16:48
be asking them their gender and arguing with them about which
16:51
gender they look like. Yeah, it's insulting.
16:54
It's not going to fly. No, it's insulting.
16:56
And honestly to me, if a man wants to go to a party, he's
16:59
going to pay, you know, 45. He's going to pay 95.
17:03
I've even seen them, seen the prices, 1:50 to get into some of
17:07
these parties. And I mean, that's the level of
17:09
insanity. I don't think that, yeah, I
17:11
don't think that that's very fair.
17:13
I don't think it's fair. At all, Yeah, no, there should
17:16
not be a tax simply for being a man.
17:19
And it also doesn't even, it doesn't even fulfill your desire
17:23
to have the kind of interactions you want with your people
17:26
either, because just because he's showing up as a man doesn't
17:30
mean he's not gay. Yeah, he may just want to play
17:32
with other men. Absolutely.
17:34
Same thing with the single woman that walks up.
17:36
Maybe she's lesbian and she doesn't want to play with any of
17:38
your male guests. Exactly.
17:41
It's a Yeah, it's pretty silly, right?
17:42
I'm with you on that. It's so silly.
17:44
Just from an organizer perspective, it's a nightmare,
17:47
yeah, to do gendered pricing. Yeah, it is.
17:51
So a single woman is assumed to be sis and heterosexual and
17:58
completely open to playing with other people.
18:01
So with those assumptions in mind, we have a problem where
18:05
there are some women who figure this out.
18:08
They know what they are and they abuse the system.
18:12
What I mean is the kind of things that your average man
18:15
would do, this single woman gets a pass because she's a
18:18
commodity. She's needed at the parties.
18:20
Of course, we don't want a sausage fest, right?
18:23
We want people to keep paying at the door.
18:25
And they're not gonna pay at the door unless they feel
18:27
entertained. And they're not entertained when
18:29
it's all men. Absolutely.
18:32
So you give them a pass. Oh, well, you know, she's, she's
18:37
this, she's that. It doesn't matter.
18:39
It does not matter. And the same goes for people
18:41
that know a special skill like rigging or needlework or fire
18:45
playing or anything else that's flashy and interesting to look
18:48
at. They're given a pass because
18:51
it's part of the entertainment package.
18:54
That's wrong. And that is a problem in every
18:57
community because now the commercialization of kink is
19:00
about turning it from an intimate situation to a circus.
19:04
And it's a problem. But it's, like I said, the
19:07
biggest problem is that there are women that take advantage of
19:09
the system and they think I can get away with anything I want to
19:13
because I'm a single woman and no one's going to ban me.
19:16
I'll be fucking damned. Oh.
19:19
I've banned some bitches, right? Yeah, but.
19:21
Because you know, you're more egalitarian when it, when you
19:24
look at this kind of thing, because you realize you're not
19:27
worth the trouble, not with the trouble.
19:29
You cannot just come here and violate people.
19:31
You cannot just come here and hit people.
19:33
You can't just come here and tell.
19:34
People off and get drunk and cause scenes.
19:37
Get drunk. Cause scenes, you can't just,
19:39
you can't have edge play scenes and be unsafe about it.
19:42
You cannot do that just because of your gender and just because
19:45
you think you're special A. Lot of special people.
19:48
There are no and yeah, that whole entitlement thing that
19:52
goes across all gender identities, that's not even it.
19:56
But as it stands, organizers have an assumption.
20:00
The assumption is you look like a woman, you're probably sis
20:03
header a woman. You look single because you
20:05
don't have a man on your arm. You're probably going to come in
20:07
here and be entertaining to my guests.
20:09
You have some liberties that other, my other guests do not
20:12
have. I've seen it time and time
20:13
again. There's horror stories out there
20:15
about how there's like, there's women that will not, they cannot
20:18
be banned at all because of what they do, because of who they
20:22
are, because of the people they bring.
20:25
It's annoying, it's ridiculous. So yes, that is a big problem.
20:30
I do think the whole concept when you say sausage fest is,
20:33
you know, I've, I have advertised so much like on
20:37
singles groups on Facebook, you know, and it's always the guys,
20:41
they'll write me, oh, hey, I want to know more information,
20:43
you know, and I've had some women, Oh yeah, I want to know
20:46
more information. But overall, women are on there.
20:49
They comment nasty like, oh, this is disgusting, you know,
20:53
adult party. Oh, it's disgusting.
20:55
You know, I think there's so many fucking rigid bitches, like
20:59
they need to let go the pussy, you know?
21:02
You might, yeah. You might find it interesting to
21:04
note there is research that has proven that women are far more
21:10
judgmental. So judgmental.
21:12
Particularly of each other. Yeah, particularly I would
21:16
almost venture a, a, a bet with you here.
21:19
I would almost propose a bet that women who get into
21:24
organizing kink have a harder time than men they do because
21:27
they're scrutinized a little more heavier by the minority of
21:32
the group that they apparently require for success.
21:37
It's it's an uphill battle for women when they're.
21:39
Organizing, to be fair. It's an uphill battle for men
21:43
who are organizing as well, but for a different reason.
21:46
It's assumed that, well, he's a creep.
21:48
I'm not going to go to some creep's house, but I don't know.
21:51
It's. True.
21:51
It's assumed that again, going back to this whole oh, she's a
21:55
woman, so she has, you know, she could do no harm.
21:58
You're assumed that if you're a female organizer or a woman
22:02
presenting organizer, you could do no harm.
22:04
You're harmless. What are you gonna do?
22:06
You're not a creep. You can't be a creep.
22:09
You're a woman. So where do we go from here?
22:12
So there is another one that I think is worth talking about, a
22:16
really interesting situation in kink communities and what has
22:21
made it noteworthy among. If you read legal literature or
22:25
if you talk to any attorney that even knows of the BDSM world,
22:29
they will comment on how interesting this setting is.
22:34
And what makes it very interesting is that there is a
22:36
self policing element of it. And So what goes along with that
22:41
is certain protocols of safety. Many people for the term
22:46
vetting, you know, you vet people coming to your party, you
22:50
vet people you want to play with it.
22:52
It's just this whole thing because you don't know who's
22:55
coming to your door. You don't know what their what
22:57
their intent is. All you know is they have told
23:00
on themselves that they have some sick and twisted interests.
23:03
That's all you know. So we have kind of an A built in
23:08
security system. In most community dynamics,
23:12
there is propensity to ask for references.
23:15
For instance, these references ordinarily are people you've
23:20
played with or people you're friends with, sometimes even
23:24
organizers themselves that have had no problem with you.
23:27
You've gone to their events for years or months and you know
23:32
someone asks you. Do you have any references when
23:34
you're considering playing with them?
23:36
Ordinarily, and I laugh every time I hear this because nobody
23:43
realizes that it's security theatre.
23:46
I mean, we do this even in the vanilla world.
23:48
An employer asks for references who you're going to give the
23:51
manager that didn't like you or you're going to ask your Co
23:54
worker that was your friend. Yeah, exactly right.
23:56
Yeah, you get to pick and choose your references.
23:59
Every one of us can find at least three people that likes
24:02
us. It doesn't mean anything.
24:05
It mean it says nothing about you It says that you found three
24:08
people that like you and can say something relatively decent
24:12
about you. Very true.
24:14
It doesn't mean anything sure there's people that said some
24:18
nice things about Ted Bundy and Charles Manson.
24:21
He. Was very charming and good
24:22
looking. Yeah, smart.
24:24
Right. See boom boom boom.
24:26
And that made him trustworthy. He's probably your great driver.
24:29
I'm sure he was. I'm sure he was a great day,
24:31
too. Oh, yeah.
24:32
Interesting to talk to, right? You know, you're a goal.
24:40
Well, you know they're lost. And I know they're lost.
24:44
Yeah, no. Just because somebody's
24:45
interesting or charismatic or, you know, they come off as warm
24:49
and friendly, it really does not mean.
24:52
But this is not a person that will act in the moment.
24:55
A lot of the crimes we see in the BDSM community are what's
24:58
called crimes of opportunity. That's that goes along with
25:00
rape. Rape is described as a crime of
25:02
opportunity. That's very true.
25:04
Because you wouldn't rape someone in the middle of, you
25:07
know you're going to a theme park with them, right?
25:09
It's not really a good opportunity.
25:12
You're not just going to pull it out right in front of Goofy,
25:14
right? You're not.
25:15
Now, if you find them passed out on the couch drunk or high and
25:19
they're not really dressed or it's very easy to get them out
25:22
of their clothes, sure, that's a, you know, to some people
25:25
that's a good opportunity. These opportunities vary.
25:27
So when these crimes of opportunity in mind, we have a
25:31
lot of crimes of opportunity that happen here.
25:33
You know, you may accidentally find out somebody's legal name
25:36
because somebody spoke freely and didn't think that there was
25:39
anyone around to hear it. You, the wrong person, hears
25:41
your name, decides to investigate a little bit, finds
25:43
out a little bit about you and starts some problems for you or
25:46
attempts to blackmail you. That's a crime of opportunity.
25:49
But you never would have gotten that out of interviewing them or
25:52
talking to their references because no ones ever seen them
25:55
do that before. It's it's a crime of
25:57
opportunity. It comes at the opportune
25:59
moment. So what is the best time you
26:01
think a way to vet them better or do you even?
26:03
Believe in it. So I'm actually.
26:07
Vetting system is overrated. That's a great question.
26:09
Yeah, I actually really appreciate that question.
26:12
So I'm writing a book on vetting.
26:13
OK. And in the premise of it, in the
26:16
very beginning, I do caution this is an opinion that if you
26:19
read this book and you walk away feeling as though you have not
26:23
gained anything reading this book, congratulations.
26:26
I've proven my point right. You gained nothing.
26:29
Yeah, You gained nothing. And the reason why is because
26:32
there really is no solid way to vet someone.
26:34
Thank you. I agree.
26:36
There's not. You know, we had this lovely
26:38
couple. I've known them for a couple
26:40
years. They were attending many of the
26:42
vents and you know, it was probably into maybe their 10th
26:46
event that they had came to. And you know, I'd seen them
26:49
before they, you know, they'd bring their their wine or
26:52
something. They'd get a little tipsy,
26:53
nothing crazy still, you know, very lucid, fun, easygoing
26:57
people. And something triggered him at
27:00
some point, the husband in this situation, he thought it's going
27:03
to be cool just to helicopter my Dick and start touching people
27:06
with my Dick. You remember this.
27:07
So it's like, and then they wonder why were they banned?
27:12
You know, my thing of it is, you know, one of my number what 4 on
27:16
my rules is don't get drunk and fucked up.
27:19
You know, it's one thing you want to get a little drunk, but
27:21
don't get so fucked up that you're going to be stupid and
27:23
rubbing your Dick on people. Nobody wants that, you know.
27:27
So if they do, they'll let you know.
27:29
Yeah, you know. They'll let you know.
27:31
They'll let you know. There was plenty of women that
27:34
night who would have like, oh, sure, rub your Dick on me.
27:37
But yeah, it's that kind of shit that we deal with, you know, as
27:40
event organizers, you know? Yeah.
27:43
I mean, it's, it's kind of a it's it's a joke to me.
27:46
It's a joke. You know, you're writing a book
27:48
on vetting. You know, I advise a bunch of
27:51
freaking people on organization procedures, vetting, risk
27:55
management. It's a joke because they can't,
27:57
they all you're selling to them is a false sense of control.
28:01
You can't control another person's actions.
28:04
All you could do is control how you react.
28:06
Yeah, OK. All we can do, you know, I think
28:09
it's, it's equally noteworthy to mention because it's kind of
28:12
funny that when somebody speaks I'll of another dungeon,
28:17
typically they'll say, well, that's that place isn't safe.
28:19
This happened. That didn't happen.
28:21
Oh yeah, it's not safe. Yeah.
28:22
Does that sound familiar? Yeah, it sounds familiar.
28:24
Yeah, sure they say that, neglecting the fact that they
28:28
have the same problem. Yeah, every.
28:30
Because everybody has the same. Problem.
28:31
They have the same problem because some shit happened over
28:33
there too. Yeah.
28:34
Why? Because they didn't see it
28:36
coming. Yeah, like you.
28:37
They said it's all in their own opportunity.
28:38
They were friendly, they presented well, they they got
28:42
along with everyone you know, up until they didn't.
28:45
Yeah, because shit happens. Shit happens.
28:48
Yeah. You don't know what their frame
28:49
of mind is. I mean, it's it's a joke to
28:51
think that you are able to see the future of what someone will
28:56
do. And under so many, infinitely
28:58
many circumstances, you can't. You can't.
29:00
I'm fairly intelligent, you know, I'd say I'm pretty normal,
29:03
you know, in terms of behavior. You know, I laugh at the unfunny
29:07
jokes that you want me to laugh at.
29:09
I shut up when I know you want me to shut up.
29:11
You know, whip my genitalia out and touch people, OK?
29:16
Big pussy, right So. Big.
29:19
It's hanging off the side of the freaking.
29:21
Pool people with people, yeah. Hanging off the edge of the
29:23
pool, waiting for it to be touched, right?
29:25
Sure. No, I mean, I'd say I'm pretty
29:28
normal, but something happened. Something happened and it made
29:31
me fucking snap. Yeah.
29:33
Somebody kept stalking me, harassing me, being there,
29:37
clicked to harass me, and then mocked my damn sexual assault
29:40
online. You saw a different side of me.
29:43
Yeah, absolutely. I'm sorry.
29:45
Anyone would lose their fucking mind when they get a certain
29:48
red, like a certain like limitation pushed, like you say,
29:52
red. And it just doesn't stop, you
29:55
know, So you don't know what the person's going to do.
29:58
You don't understand the circumstances that will bring
30:00
them to it. And you know, your perspective
30:03
of whether or not they're safe is laughable because anybody can
30:06
be pushed to a certain point. And I think, again, I think
30:09
we're so imperfect as people. We are, we, you know, we make
30:13
mistakes, we say things and do things a lot of times that might
30:17
not be the best, might not be protocol, but you know, what do
30:20
you do, right? You know, but to be shunned for
30:23
it continuously over and over again, right?
30:25
It's relentlessly stupid. That is another problem that
30:29
you'll see in every community. There are communities right now,
30:32
yeah, that are blowing up over one scandal or another.
30:36
They're blowing up. They want people to be banned
30:39
over this, that or the other. And they trip over themselves
30:41
over the right reasoning. They trip over themselves over
30:44
the length of time they trip over themselves about what kind
30:48
of sanctions. Should it be a ban?
30:49
Should it be suspension? Should it just be just write
30:51
1000 word essay online You know what should it be?
30:56
They are struggling because of that self policing nature that
31:03
communities have. We don't know what to do.
31:04
Nobody wants to go to the damn police talking about how you're
31:08
at a BDSM event where you know Dave over there swinging his
31:11
Dick around and it touched you right?
31:12
Like no one wants to. Do this.
31:14
OK. And the police and other
31:16
authorities really don't even know how to respond.
31:18
They can't intervene. They're not mediators, law
31:21
enforcers. It is not against the law to
31:24
offend someone. It's not against the law to piss
31:27
someone off. And the problem is that when
31:30
something does happen, they immediately go to his boom band.
31:32
Yeah, done. Dare you be imperfect.
31:36
How dare you let that level of impropriety into my safe space.
31:42
Yeah, you know, it's kind of like I said, like the couple
31:44
that I had to ban, I really didn't ban the wife, I banned
31:47
the husband. But the simple fact of it is it
31:49
wasn't the first time, you know, he'd gotten drunk before, you
31:53
know, and it's kind of a repeated offense.
31:55
And then it's finally, it's just like, you push me to the limit,
31:58
Okay? This is where it yeah, this is
32:00
where I draw the line. But, you know, I've heard in
32:03
other communities there's always something, you know, I and this
32:06
is again, why I think people take BDSM and community so
32:11
fucking serious, you know, and they take things so literal, you
32:14
know, it's like there's no exceptions to the rule, you
32:17
know, it's, it's a little crazy to me, honestly.
32:20
It's. You know, I do believe that
32:23
there should be consequences for action.
32:25
So I'm a firm believer. Absolutely.
32:28
Yeah. If karma doesn't get you and the
32:31
law doesn't get you, yeah, I'm gonna fucking get you.
32:34
That's how I feel. You're not going to violate me
32:37
in such a capacity that you practically flaunt it as a badge
32:41
of honor. Yeah.
32:42
I'm sorry. That's how I am.
32:44
I'm not at that point in my life where I have zero respect for
32:47
myself. Yeah, OK.
32:49
And I don't think anyone should. I think you should stand up for
32:51
yourself. I think you have every right to
32:53
defend yourself. I think you have a right to have
32:55
a voice in the matter. And that's not what happens in
32:57
communities. What ends up happening in
32:59
communities is that it's like it's just mob rule.
33:02
Whoever's the most popular is the story that they believe.
33:06
It's the side they believe. And whatever that person wants
33:09
is pretty much what goes. What's annoying to me is, you
33:12
know, being on the Gulf Coast and there's only so many main
33:15
groups and, you know, we've been told by different groups, it's
33:19
like, well, if she was vetted with this group and they're good
33:22
with her, then we're good with her.
33:24
And you know, if we've had problems with her in this group,
33:27
then we're definitely going to have problems with her in this
33:29
group. So we she can't be accepted in
33:31
this group. It's like, Oh my God, what is
33:34
this? So that's actually really,
33:38
that's a good point you bring up.
33:39
Yeah. I mean, like I said, there's
33:41
there's numerous problems that are universal in communities.
33:44
Yeah, we could not just limit this to four.
33:47
No. And you know what, it's for
33:49
another day. But you know, overall and it's I
33:52
think a lot of times people are power hungry.
33:54
Yeah. I think they take there needs to
33:56
be some give. And I think that, yeah, there's
33:59
too much of A power struggle over a lot of stupid shit.
34:02
And a lot of it is political. Oh.
34:03
Definitely. A lot of it is OK.
34:07
I understand we're all imperfect.
34:09
I admit that. I admit my enemy is imperfect
34:11
and I can give some concessions with that.
34:13
Sure. However, they're particular
34:16
imperfection. So in this situation, when
34:19
there's, like you said, there's no refutable information, you've
34:24
we've sat down and we've talked or talked to people and these
34:27
groups or whatever they're, they're non yielding about
34:30
anything. You know, nothing.
34:32
But here's my thing, you are more than willing to be
34:36
receptive to admit where you made mistakes.
34:40
And it's not like it was big monumental mistakes in the two
34:43
people I've banned this year. They both have come to me in an
34:47
e-mail or text message and they've been completely
34:51
oblivious, like, oh, what did I possibly do?
34:54
What did I possibly do to deserve this?
34:57
And it's like, were you too drunk to remember?
34:59
Do we need to go back and talk about it?
35:01
My thing of it is they had sober people with them.
35:03
They remembered what they they did, but when the they don't
35:07
want to take any responsibility for their actions.
35:09
I think that's where you and I have always had problems, where
35:12
people have not been admitting or been humbled by their
35:17
experience of what they've done. Wrong.
35:19
And sometimes you'll run into that because you know we'll have
35:22
difference of opinion. You know your level of of
35:25
imperfection of mine, you. And I've been on the same page.
35:27
No, no. But I mean you general, Sorry.
35:30
What I mean is we will always disagree on, you know, this is
35:33
another problem too. Communities need to get together
35:35
and talk about what is absolutely not permissible and
35:39
what can be, you know, debated, given on a case by case basis.
35:43
The problem comes in when you don't communicate those
35:45
expectations among people that are involved in your community
35:48
and they need to have more town hall meetings about this because
35:50
some people just don't know and some people don't understand,
35:53
you know, what is the general consensus of what their
35:56
community wants. Do we really want a 0 defect
35:59
mentality in our communities? I would I would say not.
36:02
I think the average person would not want to be permanently
36:06
banned for every little infraction they could have ever
36:08
committed. But you know there are people
36:14
that will not see your perspective no matter what.
36:18
No, very true. They will simply say that what
36:21
you did is unforgivable. It is never.
36:24
It's never OK. I don't care what led up to it.
36:28
I don't care what the intent is. I don't care what the fuck you
36:32
have to say about it. Yeah, it's the fact that it
36:35
happened, Period. Now, in some cases, that works.
36:39
Like rape. That works because it doesn't
36:41
matter like what she said to you or what he led you to believe or
36:46
what you know, what relations you had with them at all.
36:52
Rape is never permissible at all.
36:54
I do believe permanent bans should be in place for things
36:57
like rape, but for literally just about anything else it
37:01
really is a case by case basis. Absolutely.
37:04
You know, that's just my opinion on it.
37:06
It's, I don't believe in permanent bans generally.
37:12
I don't believe it. Yeah.
37:12
I think that people can learn a lot from taking a significant
37:17
amount of time of way. Absolutely.
37:19
And things can be forgivable, right?
37:21
Yeah, and I think that they need to do better.
37:24
The people in the communities around the US need to do better
37:27
to understand the perspectives on all sides.
37:30
And they don't. They don't.
37:31
What they'll typically do is they'll listen to their friends
37:34
and people they find credible. I mean, that's that's cherry
37:37
picking. Yeah.
37:38
That's not a good investigation. Communities love to tell you we
37:41
invest, investigate claims, we investigate.
37:43
They don't. What they do is they hear from
37:46
their friends and people they consider credible.
37:48
This goes back to vetting. Just because you think they're
37:50
credible doesn't mean they are. I want to hear about some of the
37:53
stories in Europe and what they have to deal with in vetting.
37:56
Yeah, and dungeons and organizations too.
37:58
What I've seen people in the UK are very similar as in the US,
38:03
they have similar problems in the way they handle things.
38:05
Yeah, just from my friends in the UK, they they describe the
38:08
same. It's really, I believe that I've
38:10
heard the same thing as well. Well, I think we need to leave
38:13
it at that. People need to listen to us on
38:15
their lunch breaks. Sure.
38:18
Yeah. All right.
38:18
Well, thanks for coming in so we can chit chat and figure some
38:22
stuff out, put our little pieces of opinion out there.
38:27
All right. Well, thanks for joining us.
38:29
Yeah. And until then, may all your
38:31
fantasies become realities.