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Episode 5 - Would you like a towel? · Three Damned Dudes

0:36
The welcome to Three Dudes 1 cup, I mean the Three Damn Dudes
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Facebook, LinkedIn, the show notes.
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The fuck is up, boys? What the fuck is up?
1:26
Hanging around. So not not that I intended to
1:32
start off the episode with an F bomb.
1:35
However, we'll get to the the feedback in a minute and then
1:40
it'll be funny in an hour and a half from now.
1:44
So how are we doing guys? I'm doing pretty good, dude.
1:50
I'm I do feel bad. I was listening to our episode
1:54
and I'm very disappointed that the the audio effects did not
1:59
translate well into the recording.
2:01
So yeah, my me talking to God, that bit that was supposed to
2:06
sound way better than it was. And then I will have all the
2:09
listeners know that my share bit I sounded just like Cher, dude.
2:13
I didn't sound like it in the recording, but I did IRL.
2:19
OK, So like, I just want you guys to know that like the fuck
2:24
Riverside, dude, It's it's messing with the it's messing
2:27
with the mixer, dude. I blame those problems on our
2:32
editor, actually. Yeah, you know what, I'm going
2:35
to call him after the show and he is going to get a piece of my
2:38
mind. You should maybe a piece of
2:41
something else. Piece of that.
2:43
Pie, all right? Is it pecan or pecan?
2:50
Pecan. Jimmy, is this a debate about
3:00
how to say pecan? Well, you.
3:01
Said shy and my autism already showed up to the chat.
3:05
So with your. Fucking mind went to pecan pecan
3:09
pie, Pecan or? Pecan.
3:11
We are two very different people because my mind goes to cream.
3:18
All right, Jimmy, let's just get into your weekly recap.
3:26
I don't know if I have much of A weekly recap.
3:28
This this this go around. I don't think I did anything.
3:33
You didn't get your get your toes, did you?
3:36
Didn't make vague threats to anyone by finding their house on
3:39
Google. No, no, I didn't do any of that.
3:44
I need to get my toes did, that's for damn sure.
3:48
Yeah, Maddie. Yeah.
3:50
Our audience said otherwise she would do it, but but I she's
3:58
waving and she's like. I think we need to we need to
4:03
have you get your toes did at home.
4:06
I listen. I told her she could do my nails
4:09
during an episode. I told her that and she was like
4:13
no. I mean, she'll be off camera.
4:16
I. Know yeah it'll just be a camera
4:20
pointed at your crotch you. Want to be miked up doing my
4:28
toes. She's like, I'm not going to be
4:30
there like a servant. So she can talk shit.
4:34
Yeah. You know I'm here.
4:36
I'm here for that. We can make that happen.
4:39
We definitely can. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we, well, we
4:43
can, we can buy. I wonder.
4:48
I bet I could hook up the wireless mics to this mixer.
4:54
Probably. I probably could do that, but
4:58
that's kind of a. It's kind of a dump board.
5:00
I don't think it would run through the mixer.
5:01
I think it would run through your computer and then you have
5:03
to pipe the input in. I don't I don't know.
5:08
I don't think so. I think I could do it because
5:11
there's a receiver that I could probably fit.
5:13
We're we're talking shop right now.
5:15
We should talk shop offline, but yeah, that's there.
5:17
I think we could do it. I like, I think there's a way to
5:20
do it. What was I going to say though?
5:21
Oh, I love our audio quality though, boys.
5:25
It sounds like we are in the same room.
5:28
I love it. I love how Jimmy says hey we're
5:32
talking shop, let's not talk shop and then continues talking
5:35
shop in a different way. Yeah, but that's.
5:37
Different immediately. That's that's like the front of
5:39
the shop where all the customers are at.
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Like the listeners can see that side of the shop.
5:43
Like the listeners. That's where the cash register
5:45
is. We're not talking about the the
5:46
shelves. Yeah, the the, the listeners
5:48
don't care about the shitty back, the bathroom in the back,
5:51
you know, so. This is also immediately after
5:54
talking shit about the audio quality in the last episode.
6:01
All right, there's goods and there's bads.
6:04
OK. But my share voice was ruined by
6:07
it. And that's that, that makes me
6:09
sad. But I sound like an Angel
6:11
without the effect. So it's, it's, it's like it's
6:14
giving, giving you take, you know, so, but yeah.
6:19
That's fair, Jim. You got anything else for your?
6:21
Recap No, it's all I got. All.
6:25
Right, Kevin? It's your turn, bud.
6:31
Yeah, no, I think I'm in the same thing as Jimmy.
6:35
I really haven't been up to too much.
6:38
I know you disappoint. Pretty much the only thing I do
6:42
nowadays, work out and then this.
6:45
So. Perfect, perfect teaser for
6:50
probably a future episode or you know, maybe another bit is since
6:55
Gavin has started getting back in the gym and taken that real
7:00
fucking serious, Like legitimately.
7:03
Yeah, I said that we should track his Max's in the podcast,
7:10
but that would also. Is not what you said you no I'm
7:16
talking. No, that different
7:17
conversations. So one of the conversations was
7:20
we should track his Max's and we should take the opportunity to
7:23
talk about constructive outlets that aren't drinking for dealing
7:28
with sad head noises. Cheers.
7:33
Cheers buddy. I didn't get anything to drink.
7:43
I. I mean, we can pause real quick.
7:45
No, I don't have anything to drink.
7:48
I would. I have the animals yogurt.
7:50
That's all I got. That would be that would be
7:53
hilarious. That's not true.
7:55
That's not true. I do have, I'm not going to do
7:58
it, but I do have, I do have the Liquor 43.
8:00
I could I could pound some mini beers, but I'm not going to do
8:02
that. I was going to say that is a
8:06
good little teaser and the our topic later.
8:11
Yeah, that's the other thing. We have topics today.
8:15
Yeah, man. The other thing we had talked
8:18
about was doing a a scale difference challenge over the
8:23
year, to which I think it was. A self improvement challenge is
8:29
the. Yeah, it was definitely more of
8:30
a self improvement challenge, but the way we're going to
8:32
measure the metric was by the difference on the scale from
8:35
start and finish. To which Gavin said, well that's
8:39
that's kind of fucked because I'm lifting you fat asses are
8:43
just going to eat less and one of you are going to win because
8:49
I'm going to lose weight and then gain muscle.
8:52
That's not the track from the point that Mike is calling
8:54
everybody fat on the podcast and saying.
8:56
No, I'm calling me and Jimmy fat because you go to the gym.
9:01
OK, but I'm still fat. Both of my tits have two
9:04
different zip codes so it's fair.
9:07
Yeah, we're the three fat dudes. Welcome to the podcast.
9:15
I don't really believe in doing like the new year resolutions
9:17
though, like especially with like weight loss, weight loss
9:20
and stuff, because usually those are just fads and they don't
9:23
like, if you really want to like lose weight, it can't be a diet.
9:26
It's got to be a lifestyle change.
9:28
And if you go on a diet, it's not going to work.
9:31
Like I would like to caveat and say mine is a New Year's
9:35
resolution. I've been working out since
9:37
October so. Oh, see, there you go.
9:39
Yeah. There you go.
9:43
But yeah, I'm sure we will in future episodes, dig into
9:47
Javin's gim gim gime Jime, his jime journey, Javin's.
9:53
Gime journey, yeah. Gavin's gime time.
10:00
Oh buddy, I brought my 24th chromosome to play today.
10:07
Yeah, stay tuned. It's going to get weird.
10:11
You just reminded me of one of the.
10:12
Oh. God, I used to work.
10:19
With share with the class. I used to work with this guy, he
10:22
was legitimately the dumbest dude I've ever met in my entire
10:24
life, and he was also an asshole, so it was fine to make
10:28
one of them because he was an asshole.
10:32
I remember I set him up perfectly.
10:35
I was like, John, how many fucking chromosomes do you have?
10:37
And he goes more than you. Yeah, I kind of had a feeling.
10:50
That's become my favorite way to like make fun of somebody as
10:54
they say something like just off the wall, just stupider than
10:57
humanly possible. And I'll just, I'll wait for
11:00
everybody to stop looking at him or laughing, depending on
11:02
whether it was funny or not. And I'll go, hey, man, have you
11:05
gotten your 24 and me results back yet?
11:09
And generally, it doesn't hit the person that it was directed
11:14
at, but it hits everyone else. Oh, all right, Gavin, you got on
11:25
your recap. Yeah, I think I'm good.
11:28
I don't do shit so. Yeah, it's fair.
11:32
And you pick things up and put them down.
11:34
You lift heavy stone, makes that head noise go away, makes that
11:38
head noise quiet. Yeah, there you go.
11:41
White head noise. Nice.
11:44
OK so apparently I am in the era of my child saying some just
11:55
outlandish shit that I'm fairly certain I know where she's
11:59
gotten it from and it's not me. You sure about that?
12:07
I'm I'm 68.9% sure about that because Ridley now when she is
12:18
frustrated with something, her go to thing is I'm going to
12:25
fight you or her hanging out with my wife at the house.
12:31
I'm going to fight dad when he gets home.
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Oh, oh, are you OK? We'll see how that plays out.
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It's not going to be how you think.
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And she will again be reminded that actions do, in fact, have
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consternances. The next thing I actually have a
13:01
video of this was an interaction between my wife and my daughter.
13:11
My wife, OH. There it is.
13:15
So here just yeah. Mom, look at me.
13:20
You need to go somewhere else. Who?
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Ben, I want a big sister. The ending of that gets me every
13:33
time. I love the fucking dive off the
13:37
couch. It is.
13:38
Honestly, it made that whole video so much funnier.
13:43
But in case you had no idea what an AI 3 year old was saying, it
13:48
was Mom. Look at me.
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He needs to go somewhere else. Who bear?
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I want a big sister. And in real life she just got
13:59
super serious and walked away instead of, you know, eating
14:02
herself face first onto the floor off the end of the couch.
14:07
So yeah, it's just super, super fun.
14:12
And the last thing in my recap, also about my daughter, is my
14:21
wife went to like 4 different stores looking for the stupid
14:31
flavor of vinegar for one of the recipes we were doing, right?
14:37
She finally finds it after the 4th store is super excited,
14:43
pulls it out of the van, tucks it under the arm to hold it.
14:48
Mind you she's wearing a Sherpa sweater and this is a glass
14:51
bottle. That bottle left the chat and
14:58
smashed all over the floor in the garage next to the door that
15:02
goes into the house. So not even like at the end of
15:04
the garage, like way up in there.
15:09
So I walk back out there after it's been cleaned up and I
15:12
quietly say smells like bleach and balls in here.
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And my daughter, who has apparently the hearing
15:22
capabilities of a a fucking bat goes Mama.
15:27
It smells like balls out here. And I went.
15:40
I mean, they don't say that. That's, no, you don't pay taxes
15:45
yet. You don't say that.
15:50
So that one, that one was my fault and I'll own it when it's
15:52
my fault. But yeah, she's still feral and
15:59
she's still I It's it's mine. No, no test needed.
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I I made that. I've done this to myself.
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Kids, man. I love that you're starting to
16:13
realize though that she's slowly gaining consciousness so you
16:17
have to be like mindful of not just laughing when she does
16:22
something inappropriate and being like oh shit I have to
16:26
parent this. You guys want another example of
16:29
where something wasn't my fault? Yeah, this is not in the weekly
16:34
recap because this happened probably 3 months ago.
16:38
We're sitting at the dinner table and Jenna's talking about
16:42
something and she's like, yeah, it's it's fucking.
16:44
Whatever, right? But it's that moment where,
16:48
like, the rest of the world goes quiet and all you hear is the
16:52
word fucking. And Ridley just latches on to
16:56
that word. And she looks at Jenna and goes
17:00
fucking. And I look at Jenna and go, you
17:07
did this, you fix it. And Jenna goes, Ridley, that's a
17:11
bad word. We don't say that.
17:13
And Ridley goes fucking. And I go, yeah, fucking,
17:21
fucking's a bad word. Stop saying it.
17:26
And then proceeded to giggle my ever loving tits off until I was
17:29
wiping tears from my eyes at the dinner table.
17:34
And she has proven already that that word is locked away in the
17:37
back of her head and she somehow at three years old she can't
17:40
wipe her ass. But she can pull that word out
17:43
of the back of her head and use it in proper context.
17:47
That's impressive. That is a mark that child.
17:52
Until you get that that little pull to the side at daycare of
17:58
like, hey, before you grab Ridley, you know we want to talk
18:01
to you about an incident that happened.
18:10
I go What'd she say? Fuck Or did she say guns up?
18:12
Which one was it? This is like there's multiple.
18:17
I mean. Child.
18:18
Oh dear, what did what did my precious Angel do today?
18:25
It's funny how some kids can be just like an absolute handful
18:29
more than more than others. Yeah, because my.
18:38
Yeah, my son, man, if he swears he at least not not anymore, but
18:43
he's a really, really bad. He said a bad word and you told
18:47
him it was a bad word. He'd like cry.
18:49
And it was it was it was pretty funny.
18:51
But the other day, the other day, I've got a similar, I got a
18:55
similar situation happened. I was, I was playing with
18:58
something I was playing with, with one of his Christmas
19:00
presents on the floor with him. And I was like, ah, I was like,
19:07
damn it, I fucked it up. And he goes, how'd you fuck it
19:13
up, dad? And I started dying.
19:19
Like I started dying laughing because he said it's so sweet
19:24
and I started dying and he doesn't realize what he said.
19:27
So he's like, what's so funny, Dad?
19:28
Is this something that I said? So I started laughing even
19:32
harder and I go, you said a bad word.
19:35
And then he realized that he was embarrassed.
19:37
He didn't cry, luckily, but he he knew and but it was, it was
19:40
really funny. What'd you fuck up, Dad?
19:45
So my old neighbor, I forget what I pretended to call him or
19:50
where I pretended that his dad was from, but he's got a 15 year
19:56
old son somewhere in there, give or take a year or something like
19:59
that. This was probably 5 or 6 years
20:02
ago when his son still pretended that he didn't swear unless he
20:07
had his headphones on and was playing Fortnite with his
20:10
friends. Because everybody knows if you
20:12
have headphones on, nobody can hear what you're saying.
20:16
That's a fact. Our science department actually
20:19
researched that. It's true.
20:22
But we're all, we're all sitting in the basement.
20:24
We just got back from hunting that day or whatever, and we're
20:28
all looking around. There was another Mike in the
20:30
group. And Mike and my neighbor and his
20:34
kid and one of the other guys are sitting on the couch.
20:36
And the one Mike talking about me goes, where the fuck did Mike
20:41
go? My neighbor goes, yeah, where
20:43
the fuck is Mike? And his son goes, yeah, Where
20:47
the fuck is Mike? And the other guy goes, yeah,
20:51
Where the fuck? What did you say?
20:56
He goes, the kid goes. I said, yeah, where is Mike?
21:08
I'm sorry. I'm sure there's a level of
21:10
adulthood where swearing isn't funny anymore.
21:14
And it's probably like Nirvana in a sense that I will never
21:17
achieve it. Yeah, it's it's, it depends.
21:22
If it's an accident, it's it's one thing.
21:25
If they're doing it to be bad, it's, you know, then it's
21:27
significantly less funny. But.
21:30
But yeah. Yeah, yeah.
21:35
All right, so we actually all right.
21:40
So thank you. It also depends on background,
21:43
like me and Mike, coming from military backgrounds, you're
21:46
kind of used to the swearing. So when it happens, it doesn't
21:51
immediately click just cause yeah.
21:59
On that note, I had a buddy at my first duty station who like
22:04
hardcore raised in church, didn't stray at like 17 like
22:08
everybody else does. Stuck with it.
22:10
Like kept his convictions. Super solid dude.
22:17
But he he didn't swear. Like he never swore.
22:21
I was with him for four years and on year three, we finally
22:25
pissed this dude off enough to swear.
22:29
But like that's, that's kind of the culture.
22:32
Like if you, if you don't like that becomes the focus of
22:37
everyone now. Yeah, because at that point,
22:40
you're the odd man out. And it's just like, yeah.
22:42
And why don't you like it's? Yeah, and especially for like,
22:49
it doesn't matter what the reason is.
22:51
But in his case, he's like, Jake, why don't you swear?
22:54
Just say fuck. And he's like, no, no, I'm not
22:58
doing it. And he's, he's not like it's
23:01
against my religion, but he's like, I'm, I'm still super
23:04
religious. Like, no, I'm not.
23:05
No, cut it out, guys, stop. And that's just like is blood in
23:12
the water. And we just went in even harder.
23:16
But this is the same guy who was a driver for one of the teams
23:20
and we all had like headsets on doing teams comms and he would
23:25
sing Let it Go from frozen while he's driving the rest of the
23:30
team around. It's an odd choice, but you
23:38
know, we doing things like that, you end up listening to some
23:43
weird music along the way. So, you know, I'll give him
23:48
credit. Yeah, it'd be it'd be quiet for
23:54
being loud in the back of a Victoria, but you would family
23:58
here. Snow goes white on the mountain
24:02
tonight. And then whoever the TL was
24:05
would be like, Jake, shut up, you're not doing this again.
24:12
You hear the response. What's wrong man?
24:15
You sound really upset. You know you should do let it.
24:18
Go. That was beautiful.
24:29
But yeah, Jimmy, you need to figure your mic out, and I mean
24:32
your camera out, bud. I thought we were editing
24:34
something out. I mean, we were after I stopped
24:40
telling the story and then you were still gone.
24:43
I was peeing. I had to pee so bad I almost
24:45
peed my pants. That's the thing that happens
24:48
after. Dang it, you don't have your
24:52
your have mic on so Dang it. My what?
24:58
You don't have your other mic on because last time you did that
25:01
we could hear it in the background, but I headed it out
25:04
because. Yeah.
25:08
Yeah, we actually have topics to talk about this week, which
25:11
feels weird, instead of like just winging it and and
25:15
bullshitting, which don't get me wrong, I love winging it and
25:20
bullshitting, but like it's like when the tism strikes and I like
25:26
go to Sora and make a video because that's the only way that
25:30
that idea is going to get anything.
25:35
It's like, holy shit, guys, we can talk about this.
25:37
We can actually have a conversation about something.
25:41
Yeah, no, it's surprising because winging it is kind of
25:44
what we do. I've been winging like the past
25:49
decade so. Oh geez.
25:56
So we're not going to talk about that first topic.
25:59
We're just not. You know, yeah, no, probably
26:03
not. So I I have an hour drive to and
26:07
from where beads. Finally.
26:12
I. Got in, little jerk.
26:18
It's our fourth. Damn dude.
26:22
It's funny that you knew he was up here before I did.
26:25
That's because I can. It's because I got your sixth,
26:27
bro. And Maddie heard you go beads.
26:33
Oh. Shit.
26:34
Boy. So yeah, I have an hour drive to
26:37
and from work and nobody else is awake when I'm driving to work,
26:41
so I just have to sit there with my thoughts or have an hour long
26:45
concert featuring me. But one of the one of the shower
26:52
thoughts that was a car thought was what does it mean when
26:56
somebody asks you how you're doing and your response is
27:00
tired? And why is it the same thing as
27:03
saying that you're fine? I think we also wanted to see if
27:11
our definition kind of matched Jimmy's of yeah, do our tired
27:16
mean the same thing? So I he's, if you don't stop
27:27
flicking these chords, bro, I think I'm going to answer your
27:33
question by saying that when I was reading the Google doc, I
27:37
had no idea what you were talking about when you said
27:39
that. That means you're fine.
27:41
Like, you know, like when it, when like to me, like if you say
27:46
how you doing, oh, I'm tired. I just, you know, you should go
27:51
to bed or something, you know, like, oh, you're tired, you
27:54
know, 'cause it's like I'm when I say I'm tired, it's 'cause I'm
27:57
fucking tired. You know, unless it's like hold,
28:01
like I'm tired, Grandpa, That's too damn bad.
28:04
I don't know if it's the same as that but.
28:07
My name is Mr. Sir and you can call me Mr. Sir.
28:15
What a good movie. Take bad boy.
28:20
You put him out in the hot sun all day.
28:21
Digging holes turns him into a good boy.
28:27
Oh. I'd kiss kissing Kate Barlow.
28:33
I don't remember who that was. I figured I lost you guys at
28:36
that point. No kissing Kate Barlow.
28:38
That's the chick that. Left the lizard, I know what
28:40
you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, I forget her, her
28:46
boyfriend love interest in that part of the movie.
28:48
There's a guy named Dule Hill who was.
28:51
Fix that. Gus from the show Psych, what do
28:58
you fucking only reason I know that.
29:03
But yeah, he got killed and then she killed every guy that she
29:07
kissed after that. Oh, that's right.
29:10
Which is why she was kissing Kate Barlow.
29:13
Yep. How recently have you watched
29:16
this movie? It's, I don't know, but it
29:18
sounds like he'd be kissing the Kate Barlow Jesus.
29:22
I'm just thinking like I know I've seen it, I just can't
29:24
remember it like that. Listen, my mind is a steel trap
29:28
full of useless bullshit that doesn't matter for anything.
29:35
I'm scared that if I learn anything else that actually
29:37
matters, I'm going to forget how to tie my shoes.
29:38
Yeah, you. Didn't even know my fucking
29:40
birthday you ass hat. Yeah, you know what?
29:42
I had to make room for kissing Kay Barlow.
29:44
I didn't need Jimmy's birthday, which is.
29:46
Stupid because I know your birthday.
29:48
If you were to ask me your birthday, I'll tell you right
29:50
now. I know the day and.
29:51
What's my birthday, Jimmy? Are you want me to air it on
29:53
this? The month and the date.
29:56
Oh fuck, hang on. Fucking stupid, all right?
30:12
Fucking shit becoming unplugged and shit and falling off the
30:16
table and whatever. Your birthday's, you said, not
30:19
the month. Sure.
30:23
He said just month and date. Well, yeah, not the year, right?
30:27
You know, obviously. Yeah, nobody needs to know that
30:29
I'm. Your birthday is way more
30:31
broken. Yeah, and yours is the 15th.
30:34
You only know that because we talked about it on the last
30:36
episode, you piece of shit. Because I can subtract.
30:40
My three, yeah. Here's the thing.
30:42
I can trip him up though. Jimmy, when's my birthday?
30:46
Oh fuck. Oh yeah.
30:49
He's like, it's the day. Happy birthday, happy birthday,
30:54
birthday Gavin. It's January 7th.
31:01
You ready for this, Gavin? Ask me.
31:03
Mike, when's my birthday? Buddy, I have no fucking idea,
31:07
Facebook tells me. Yeah, dude, I don't remember
31:10
your birthday either. Facebook.
31:12
What he tells me, Jimmy just told you it's April 18th.
31:18
I don't know why. Like birthdays, they're just not
31:20
something that sticks in my sticks, in my head.
31:26
So this is actually funny because it brings up a
31:29
conversation I had with my mom recently.
31:31
We went and had lunch a couple weeks ago and, you know, it was
31:36
around Christmas time. And she was like, yeah, our,
31:39
like, our family's not doing anything for Christmas this
31:42
year. Like, grandparents are getting
31:45
older. They're not feeling up to it.
31:47
I was like, OK, that's fine. And it LED into the conversation
31:50
of, like, she doesn't really care about any of the major
31:55
holidays or like her birthday. I don't really care about my
31:59
birthday or the holidays. And that's just kind of how it
32:02
was growing up of, like, once you hit a certain age where,
32:07
like, all the magic disappeared. But he was like, it's just kind
32:12
of another day if you want to go out to eat somewhere special on
32:15
the date, yeah, sure, we can go and do that.
32:17
But other than that, like, it wasn't a huge big thing.
32:20
So just never really been good at remembering birthdays because
32:26
it never really clicked me that, you know, other people care
32:29
about them. Yeah, I feel like my birthday's
32:34
been just like just another day for so long that it's like, Oh
32:39
yeah, shit, that is today. How old am I now?
32:43
Dang, I've got to be close to death.
32:47
Yeah, because it's it's always surprising when somebody's like,
32:51
hey, your birthday's coming up. Like you want to do anything?
32:54
What are we doing now? I'm like, oh, fuck, is it?
32:57
I was like, I didn't remember shit.
33:03
Tell me. What's on your mind, bud?
33:06
I started talking to Maddie on my birthday.
33:09
That crazy? Well, that just makes it an easy
33:11
day to remember. That was that was a pro move
33:13
right there, yeah. 100%. Yeah, for sure.
33:17
You know the only reason I remember my anniversary.
33:21
Why? I know why.
33:22
It's 1111. Oh, did you make a wish?
33:29
What was your other anniversary? It was a 13th, I don't remember
33:41
which month, but it was a. Friday the 13th.
33:44
The Friday. That because it was some scary
33:46
shit, all right? I had to bring her up.
33:50
I leave this one. Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
33:58
But all right, so for you, being tired means just being tired.
34:04
Are you ready to go? Ready to go?
34:05
Take a nappy Or, you know, go to bed.
34:08
Yeah, for you, is it like living the dream?
34:13
And give that akin to that. Yeah, similar, but not entirely
34:20
correct. It's more of like the answer of
34:25
like, well, I'm alive, like asking for the bare minimum, no.
34:31
Because like, yeah, but it's kind of weird.
34:33
Everybody's tired. It's kind of weird because like
34:35
it's not because like living the dream or like that's that's a
34:39
nothing burger like that functionally means nothing.
34:42
But if I dig into. Actually, when, when, when you
34:45
say you're living the dream, it means everything sucks.
34:49
Yeah, because nightmares are dreams, Yeah.
34:50
Yeah, for sure. But like say like Gavin, ask me
34:57
how I'm doing. Mike, how are you doing?
35:01
I'm fucking tired, man, I'm just tired, but I'm here and I'm
35:07
still breathing. And that's all we can ask for.
35:12
Some days. But that like effectively is my
35:15
response to somebody asking me that like almost verbatim.
35:20
And it's like I, I am tired, but like I'm the kind of tired that
35:25
no amount of sleep is going to fix.
35:30
Like I'm I'm mentally tired. I'm spiritually fucking tired,
35:37
I'm emotionally dead inside and I could always go for a nap.
35:44
But like it's weird how that seems to be the the go to
35:52
response now. And I don't know when that
35:54
changed or why, but it just, it bugged me when I actually sat
36:00
and thought about it. So it's like we're taking a step
36:03
toward honesty, but everybody's tired.
36:12
Yeah, it's one of those things where like you've just gotten
36:19
used to the people around you, like also being that same kind
36:23
of tired. So, you know, like not to really
36:27
dig into it, where it's like, Oh yeah, I'm how you doing?
36:31
Yeah, I'm tired. And they're like, Yep, I get it
36:34
because they do. So there's you don't really have
36:37
to talk about anything there. Yeah, it's a weird 1 and I don't
36:44
know why that like it just hooked my my fucking brain, but
36:47
it did. And more so more than anything,
36:51
I was curious what what Jimmy's definition of tired was.
36:55
And we got that right off the RIP.
36:57
Oh yeah. So yeah, my my hypotenuse was
37:00
correct and I don't I'm. Fucking tired right now, fucking
37:04
yawning and shit. Like ready for a nap.
37:09
Fucking nap time. I'm always ready for a nap.
37:14
I feel like if we ever get together and record together,
37:16
that's going to end up happening is we're just going to take a
37:18
nap. Like in the Wild Things are
37:20
where we just all sleep in a real pile with all of our
37:23
clothes off. Yeah, I was just going.
37:27
To say it wasn't straight from. Warm.
37:31
We'll do it here, we'll do it here in Michigan.
37:34
We'll turn the heat off. It'll be for warm.
37:37
Except it'll be the 4th of July. It'll be some Bear Grylls type
37:41
shit, you know? Just laying on your front lawn.
37:45
Just. 3 damned naked dudes all catching charges.
37:56
But you know, if we're doing that, I think for the sake of
37:58
resource management, we all need to piss into the same jug.
38:06
You want to. You want to explain your thought
38:12
process there? Nope, making sourdough.
38:24
Come on down to the devil's glory hole.
38:26
Some of the listeners are not going to.
38:28
Well, no, none of the listeners are none of the listeners.
38:30
Are going to get that one. Maybe one day.
38:34
Well, OK, so if you have, well, no, I don't even think we sent
38:38
that out to anybody. I think that only exists on this
38:44
computer right here. Which we should probably burn.
38:51
Yeah, probably, probably. There's another topic that I
39:02
just got morbidly curious about. Jimmy, what's your five year
39:05
plan and how many five year plans have you had over the
39:09
course of your life? Why the fuck am I the first
39:12
person to get asked this question?
39:13
Because. My phone in the document.
39:17
What's a five year plan? Look at that shit.
39:22
All right, so A5. Year plan?
39:23
What's your five year plan? What?
39:26
OK, Gavin. You know what?
39:31
In my indefensible defense, there is no like version control
39:37
or tagging for who put what in the document.
39:41
And I didn't even see that that was added because that's that's
39:45
a miracle. I can speak.
39:46
I I can't fucking read. I wore MARP hat.
39:54
But a five year plan, Like if you were to project your life
39:56
out five years, where would you want to end up?
40:01
Where do you see yourself ideally 5 years from now?
40:03
What are you doing? Where?
40:04
You have the answer for that. OK, let's hear it.
40:12
All right, five year plan. Well, I've been working more so
40:19
like are like, do you mean like financially, career wise, life
40:22
wise? Like what do you mean?
40:24
It can be any and or all of those things together.
40:29
Well, five years from now, I hopefully will be my goal is to
40:35
be in like a bigger place, like a like a bigger home, you know,
40:41
with more room. Hopefully you'll have another
40:46
kid, you know, may or not be may or may not be married.
40:53
So that's kind of my my five year plan.
41:08
No, don't mute yourself. I want to hear this.
41:10
No, no, yeah. Let's yelling at her using the
41:18
trucker voice. I'm like, why the hell are you
41:23
using that voice while we're recording?
41:26
Because we better be married in five here.
41:32
So where did you guys meet? Oh, yeah, I was driving through
41:34
Tucson on Route 66. I was standing in front of the
41:39
pisser in the men's room, and I hear hi, buddy, What are you
41:43
getting your big boy? Weiner and I turn around and
41:46
there she was. And I've been in love ever
41:48
since. Yeah.
41:52
So that's my five year plan. So hopefully, hopefully it goes
41:56
according to plan, no pun intended.
42:00
You know. How about you?
42:02
What's your five year plan look like?
42:05
Apparently I have a wedding to go to in the next five years.
42:10
Perhaps, yeah. I better.
42:16
Just don't do what I did and show.
42:19
Don't. Just don't show.
42:24
I do a venue and walk in the doors at the same time that the
42:28
bride is walking in the doors. Yeah, yeah.
42:30
Don't go do that. She doesn't deserve that.
42:34
No. No, me and Mike are just going
42:40
to be, we're just going to be off to the side of the altar
42:45
live streaming it. It was to be fair, to be fair,
42:51
it's a 3. Damn dudes.
42:53
Wedding Edition. I did not know.
42:55
I did not know she was walking in at the time.
42:58
I did not know I was late. I did not even know if I was at
43:01
the right place because because there was a, because of the
43:07
venue that you got married at. There was a big freaking porch
43:11
with a set of doors that has like an inside other set of
43:17
doors and then the Chapel. So like nobody was on the damn
43:21
porch. And I'd go up the porch and I
43:25
open the door and all of a sudden there's fucking, you know
43:30
who just sitting there on the freaking in the doorway there.
43:35
And she's like, what are you doing?
43:37
I was like, oh good, I'm at the right place.
43:40
She's like, get in there. And I was like, OK.
43:45
She told you to get in. And, you know, at least she
43:48
wanted me to be there. Clearly she was very excited to
43:51
see me. I don't think excited is the
43:57
correct word at that moment. Please, please don't do what I
44:01
did. Get there on time and we'll be
44:05
good. Plot twist, I'm going to
44:08
coordinate this with Maddie when they open the doors to start
44:11
walking her. It's just going to be me in a
44:13
tuxedo T-shirt. I think she would kill you.
44:17
She probably. Would I don't think she'd be on
44:18
board at all. I think her dad might kill me
44:22
first. Huh.
44:24
I think her dad might kill me first.
44:27
Maybe. At least it would be funny for
44:31
like half a second. For for him, probably.
44:34
Maybe. I kind of like Gavin's idea of
44:37
us, like set off in the back of the stage.
44:41
You just see the wedding music starting here.
44:44
Hey, welcome to the three damn news podcast.
44:46
Jimmy's getting married. Guys, shut up and watch.
44:50
She says and I quote my wedding is not a time to be funny and
44:57
she's looking at me with a glare that I can feel.
45:02
So can she hear me? No.
45:06
Are you sure about that? Sometimes she can hear you, but
45:10
not right now. That's fair.
45:13
OK. Yeah, she has a gun.
45:18
And Mike is just going to be in the.
45:26
That would be really funny if you went and grabbed the Glock
45:29
though, and you're just like. You just see Jimmy Duck for
45:39
covering. All you hear is.
45:43
So that sound, those sounds don't work either.
45:45
The listeners aren't going to hear that.
45:47
I know and I don't know how to make them so we these freaking
45:50
mixer boards that we have. Yeah, go get the.
46:00
This one no here. These sound boards we have have
46:05
10 different preset sound effects and none of them come
46:10
through and that upsets me. That upsets me a lot.
46:15
But yeah, my five year plan, that's that's a fun topic.
46:20
I had one of those twice. The first one was in high school
46:26
when a guidance counselor inevitably pose that question to
46:30
a class of like sophomores. And I obviously thought I knew
46:36
everything about life and had all the answers.
46:39
And my five year plan ended with deploy, right.
46:47
So graduate high school and listen to Marine Corps deploy.
46:52
That was the end of that five year plan 1 because that was in
46:55
my head five years away. But 2 when it came time for me
47:01
to do my next five year plan, roughly after that deployment, I
47:07
realized that I didn't plan on coming back from that
47:10
deployment. So it's kind of one of those
47:13
things like, yeah, I had a plan and it didn't go how I thought
47:18
it would. And I'm just every day since,
47:23
like 2017 has just been like, every day is its own independent
47:28
thing. And that's probably not healthy.
47:32
And I should probably do something about that, but I'm
47:37
not going to. Not right now.
47:39
Not on the show, that's for damn sure.
47:44
But yeah, like I have like ideas of five year plans, like it'd be
47:51
nice to, you know, set on more property or it'd be nice to are
47:56
you just fucking with buttons? Right now, what the fuck was
47:59
that? To see what I would do.
48:04
For those of you who can't see this, because I don't know if
48:06
that's going to come through, Jimmy is raising his hand in the
48:08
queue as if we are it. Yes, Jimmy, do you have
48:12
something to you have something? To say raise hands like, you
48:16
know, like preach it every time you say something good.
48:22
What does it look like on your end?
48:23
Raise your hand so I can see what it looks like.
48:27
Oh, it just stays up there. Oh, that's it.
48:29
Just says Mic. Yeah, there's just a little
48:31
little caption. For me, it puts a big white hand
48:34
on my camera. Yeah, no, that's, that's fair.
48:42
But like, yeah, it'd be, it'd be cool to sit on like 30 or 40
48:45
acres that are primarily wooded. It'd be, it'd be cool to be in a
48:53
not not a bigger place, but a different place that's set up a
48:57
little easier. Something that's not such a pain
48:58
in the ass to clear at 2:00 in the morning when shit goes bump
49:01
in the night. My, my place is super easy to
49:04
clear. It's a straight line, you know,
49:07
You just, you don't even need to clear it.
49:09
Just start shooting. You're clearing it, you know.
49:17
Kids get on the ground. But yeah, I, I haven't had a
49:26
real five year plan since I was like 16 because that one went to
49:33
shit and I gave up on it. Now I just have ideas that
49:36
cyclically fly into my head and then I make them realities on
49:41
and AI platforms. So Gavin, what's your five year
49:46
plan? Don't.
49:48
Die that's. Kind of only stipulation I have
49:54
right now for my five year plan because I don't have a five year
49:58
plan. How?
50:03
I think the I don't think Mike's going to make it to his.
50:07
Five year plan. Not dying.
50:10
Wasn't in mine, Mike. This isn't according to plan.
50:20
This started as Gavin's last. Stand.
50:22
It turned out to be Mike's. That is true.
50:25
It didn't start out as Gavin's last.
50:27
It did and. Then I was.
50:30
Asking him like try to have a serious heart to heart with him
50:33
about he wants to break it down and he broke something else down
50:41
and I wasn't expecting it. I feel like we need to.
50:45
We need to go over that topic without going into sourdough
50:51
starters. And I'm sure eventually, yeah,
50:58
yeah. Event eventually.
50:59
We'll, we'll. Probably get into the sourdough
51:02
starter story because that was fucking funny.
51:04
Oh yeah. But I.
51:07
Don't want to scare? Our audience off on episode 5.
51:10
That'll be like a Patreon thing. Yeah, yeah.
51:13
If we ever do that that. Is exclusive, yeah, but yeah, my
51:20
5. Year plan.
51:21
I didn't even really have one in high school.
51:27
Like senior year hit and I knew I wasn't going to college just
51:31
because I kind of didn't want to.
51:35
I was barely paying attention in school anyways.
51:38
I knew if I went and paid for it then I was going to end poorly
51:43
so. I think I was like. 1819 just
51:47
got a job, started working and about halfway through it I was
51:52
kind of like what the fuck am I doing?
51:58
And the. Military had always kind of been
52:00
in the back of my mind anyways because most of my family was
52:03
military. So I was like yeah, that's
52:08
that's something I want to do that'll get me covered for the
52:11
next 4 years at least. So went and.
52:16
Did that and. The plan was figure out the plan
52:22
after execution. Essentially.
52:25
It was join the military and then I can you know figure my
52:28
life out. Bot twist my life went to shit.
52:33
So that didn't work but we got to that year 4 mark and I was
52:41
like fuck I need another plan. So I re enlisted but in.
52:49
Reality. Yeah, no.
52:53
Data deployment was kind of in the same.
52:56
Vein as you have. Like joined the military and
53:00
knew there was a halfway. War going on.
53:05
And wasn't really expecting to make it that far.
53:09
So now I'm here, scrambling, trying to figure.
53:13
My life out as to. What I actually want to do,
53:15
which I mean the biggest thing. In my mind would.
53:21
Moved out of where I'm currently living, you know, moved up
53:24
north, closer to everybody I care about.
53:29
Yeah, got a place to sleep right there.
53:35
But yeah, do that. You're back to working in the IT
53:40
field and doing more of what I enjoy.
53:44
But it's just kind of been, you know, one thing after another.
53:48
It hasn't really allowed the plan to develop so.
53:59
Yeah. So the moral of this whole
54:00
question is. Fuck five year plans?
54:06
Hell yeah. Absolutely, cuz the.
54:10
Plan is always evolving and changing, so yeah, just build
54:15
the plane as you're flying it, you know?
54:17
Yeah. Cuz that always works.
54:22
All right, well, I. Suggest we roll into.
54:24
Feedback from previous episodes and then we just let this thing
54:28
derail for the next however long we're going to keep recording
54:32
tonight for and. Very well.
54:36
Wrap it up at some. Point SO.
54:40
Feedback I have. Gotten is to clean up the
54:44
awkward pauses because they're awkward, to which I said that's
54:51
fair but get the fuck over it, but also that's fair.
54:55
We'll try. I didn't blame our.
54:59
Editor. Somebody said we need to get rid
55:01
of the awkward. Pauses like the awkward ones.
55:06
The ones that just hang and. Linger that, don't make any.
55:09
Sense well, the problem is, is people got to realize that.
55:12
We are only episode 5 into. This it's going to.
55:17
Take us a minute to Is it going to take us a minute to?
55:23
Get used. To talking to each other and
55:25
stuff like that. And we've got also going to take
55:28
us a minute to find out like what we're 100% all about.
55:30
It's something that gets better with time.
55:33
And you don't want to edit them out because then people pick up
55:38
on that. If you if you start editing
55:40
stuff out, it kind of takes a sense of the the flow out of it.
55:48
It it does it does that and it like.
55:50
It something subconsciously makes the listener like not
55:54
trust you. Like it makes they you pick up
55:57
on it like when you like there are times like you can tell if
56:00
something's edited it. It like rubs you the wrong way.
56:02
You go, oh shit, something was edited out here or why does it
56:05
sound like that? Like we just pick up on it.
56:07
Weird. So you don't really want it.
56:09
We're we're three humans. Talking.
56:12
It's going to, you know, if you want a genuine conversation.
56:15
The thing is, is that there's going to be, there's going to be
56:17
pauses and stuff like that. As we figure out, we also, you
56:22
got to keep in mind that we're also all being recorded.
56:25
So we also have like, yes, it's a conversation, but it's also a
56:28
conversation. We're on the back of your mind.
56:30
You you got to keep it in the back of your head that.
56:33
You're being recorded. You know, not that we're going
56:35
to say something inappropriate, but we everything that we have
56:39
that we're about to say is it going to have an audience.
56:41
So we would like to not be cancelled on episode.
56:44
Five. Yeah, There you go.
56:48
But again I feel. Like this ties in beautifully to
56:51
the point Mike was trying to make with his fuck plans because
56:57
we did not plan this podcast whatsoever.
57:00
This was just a random thought one day.
57:05
That kind of. Snowballed into all of this now,
57:09
and there was really no plan behind the IT was, are we doing
57:13
this? Yeah, we're doing this.
57:16
Oh, fuck, we're doing this. So yeah.
57:19
And then we and then we put it on Spotify and it was like.
57:21
Oh fuck, we're actually doing this?
57:25
But fun fact, I just got another bit.
57:28
Of feedback, Not really feedback, but I got a a message
57:33
pertaining to the show 13 minutes ago and I just looked at
57:36
it. My buddy Alex is actively
57:40
pooping and listening to episode 4.
57:43
Oh yeah, dude. Hell yeah.
57:44
Hell yeah. Dude, enjoy your poop.
57:46
By king, your king. So yeah, yeah, take that, Jenna.
57:58
We're just three damn dudes talking about shit.
58:01
We don't want to get cancelled, so we're going to have awkward
58:03
pauses. Did you get over it?
58:05
What's it Jenna that complained about that?
58:12
Oh, did you get any feedback? From your hairy friend from
58:14
Nebraska. I have not.
58:20
And she doesn't actually. Listen.
58:21
Huh. Damn.
58:25
Anyways, some work feedback, some not really not really
58:32
feedback. More of a more of a personal
58:35
attack on me. I have been promised good
58:40
bourbon to drink while doing the show by the same.
58:46
Guy who listens to our. Show while he's taking a shit is
58:51
he implying? That Buffalo Trace isn't good
58:54
bourbon. I think he's just implying that.
58:57
Everything I've drank up to this point has not been good enough.
59:03
What's good bourbon to him? He.
59:06
He drinks good bourbon like. You know when when I have a
59:13
bottle. From him, I will.
59:15
We'll talk about it. Is it going to be like a bottle
59:17
of Blanton's or? Like out of range bottles?
59:21
Probably up around the the Blanton.
59:24
'S Mark because I have a bottle of that upstairs that I bought
59:27
on the Marine Corps birthday and then I sat.
59:30
There and drank Blanton's and watched.
59:32
The 250th birthday message I've never had.
59:36
I've never had burp. Blanton's my my favorite
59:41
bourbons that I've had so far. The best bourbon I've had is
59:45
called Clyde Mays. Frigging love it dude.
59:50
I can find, I haven't. Heard of it real quick.
59:52
I haven't heard of that. It's there's a.
59:57
There's a liquor store near. Me that does that does like he
1:00:03
likes the new barrel picks. Still, he'll go.
1:00:07
To like distilleries and and and get a barrel pick and so this is
1:00:12
the bottle. Let me make sure it's.
1:00:25
While we're waiting on Jimmy, here it is awkward pause.
1:00:30
Here's an awkward pause for you. Yeah, take that Jedi.
1:00:36
I'm not editing that one out. So that's the.
1:00:40
Bottle. There it is.
1:00:42
It's it's not expensive. OK.
1:00:45
But it was. Very good, especially I I made.
1:00:48
It I used it to make an old fashioned and it was especially
1:00:53
good because I I do be like in I do be like in an old fashioned.
1:01:03
That just reminds me, can you order liquor?
1:01:06
Online in your guys. Estates.
1:01:08
Not in my state, no. Yeah, see we can't here.
1:01:12
That just reminded me of a Christmas.
1:01:15
Gift I got that I actually have sitting next to me pulls on a.
1:01:20
Loaded gun. Oh, OK, no.
1:01:28
Yeah, he goes. Welcome to the two damn dudes.
1:01:30
Podcast Watch was. Really was.
1:01:34
He's like his last ants. Let me show you something.
1:01:37
I got for Christmas and then. He pulls them out and he's like,
1:01:39
you know, guys, I'm really tired.
1:01:41
He just pulled. I got all those kids to their
1:01:49
bad ass. Yeah, the old fashioned
1:01:52
reminded. Me that I got this whiskey
1:01:55
smoker kit. Yeah, those are super.
1:01:59
Sweet like 4. Different kinds of wood chips in
1:02:03
it and yeah, excited to use it. Haven't yet.
1:02:08
Yeah, those are cool, but hot take.
1:02:11
I'm not a huge fan of bourbon. If I'm going to drink.
1:02:14
Whiskey straight. I would prefer a Scotch.
1:02:18
Fancy. That's fair.
1:02:21
He's got a Scotch voice. Though he sounds.
1:02:23
Like he drinks Scotch. He does.
1:02:26
He's got real Ron. Burgundy vibes, yeah, I think I
1:02:30
blame. That one on my dad because he
1:02:32
was never a huge fan of bourbon. He always drinks Scotch, so I
1:02:36
think I kind of inherited that taste from him.
1:02:42
Oh yeah, it's fair. You know my dad.
1:02:48
Drank Bud Light or Butt Heavies, but both real men of genius.
1:02:58
So I really, I really got on his footsteps.
1:03:01
And drink almost exclusively Miller Lite.
1:03:04
That's gross. Miller Lite's butt?
1:03:08
Gross. Take that back.
1:03:11
Miller Lite is disgusting. You look really like Jimmy.
1:03:15
What? Yeah, that's gross.
1:03:18
All right. Welcome.
1:03:18
To the Two Damn Dudes podcast. So like I would meet.
1:03:22
You in the middle and say Miller High life is good but not Miller
1:03:28
Lite Miller. Lite is like what?
1:03:30
Are you trying to watch your girlish figure and?
1:03:32
It's I like. I like Budweiser, Miller Lite,
1:03:38
Miller High Life. I mean, Coors Light.
1:03:41
I'm not a big Labatt's guy. I'm not a Bud Light guy at all.
1:03:49
Bud Light's just. Watered.
1:03:50
Yeah, I've never. I mean, so is Miller.
1:03:53
I've never looked at a. Bud Light with like a.
1:03:56
Crispiness. Yeah, Bud Light.
1:04:00
It's like when people call sparkling water spicy.
1:04:03
Water I call Miller Lite spicy water.
1:04:08
I drank it for the hydration. Yeah.
1:04:16
Jimmy, you had some feedback from somebody.
1:04:18
On our episodes, yeah, you swear too much.
1:04:21
Apparently I. Swear too much.
1:04:24
Which is not. Incorrect.
1:04:26
I do. Swear a lot and I will make 1/2.
1:04:33
Conscious effort. So I'll do.
1:04:35
I'll do. That I will, I promise.
1:04:39
I think yeah, I. Promise, Scouts, honor I.
1:04:48
Need to get AI? Need to get a.
1:04:50
A sip and drink for this show, Yeah, I'm thinking.
1:04:55
True moo or something? Just fucking chocolate milk.
1:04:58
I also do some cocoa Moo moo. I'm not a huge I I used to drink
1:05:07
a lot of whiskeys and stuff. I don't really, I don't really
1:05:11
drink too much liquor anymore, which, you know, I never really
1:05:14
drank a whole lot. But that's where I thought he
1:05:18
was going with this. I thought he.
1:05:19
Was about to say I'm not not huge alcoholic.
1:05:24
Yeah, that's. Like, well, thanks, you know?
1:05:27
I only drink. Seven days a week.
1:05:29
Like I'm not that bad, only in days that start with.
1:05:32
Why? Yeah.
1:05:34
Start with letters exactly. But I don't know.
1:05:43
I'm not I I kind, I kind. Of see what you're saying though
1:05:47
with the bourbon. Though thing like a bourbon is
1:05:50
it's a little rough by itself, which is why I'm like if I'll
1:05:55
make it into an old fashioned because it's a little it's got
1:05:59
that what that that burn going down, man, let you know it's
1:06:05
there. It's like, do you really enjoy
1:06:08
it or do you just really hate yourself that much to where you
1:06:11
want to drink this shit? You know you deserve this, this
1:06:15
throat punch. Well, you see, Jimmy, it's
1:06:18
because you. Can't hurt me 'cause I hurt me
1:06:22
this. This reminds me of when everyone
1:06:29
on my dad's side got together for my grandfather's funeral.
1:06:34
His favorite drink was just jumping like bourbon, right?
1:06:39
So my dad went and got this expensive bottle of bourbon and
1:06:44
we're all hanging out at, I think it's my aunt's house,
1:06:48
something like that. And he goes, all right, let's do
1:06:52
a toast for, you know, my grandfather pours everybody a
1:06:57
shot. And I'm sitting here looking at
1:07:00
it and I'm like, you don't. You don't shoot bourbon.
1:07:05
And he was like all. Right.
1:07:06
And everybody took the. Shot.
1:07:08
And everybody immediately afterwards was like, oh, just
1:07:12
immediately. Dying.
1:07:15
And I was like, Yep, I knew that was going to happen.
1:07:21
Hell yeah. I was like I.
1:07:22
Just got intended. Terrible fucking.
1:07:24
Idea. Did it anyways.
1:07:27
My drink of joy choice. At the bar used to be the Four
1:07:30
Horsemen. Hell yeah, that was my.
1:07:33
Brother like if. Some, if it was somebody's
1:07:35
birthday, like or whatever, like I always got them one and me
1:07:39
one. That's what we had.
1:07:40
Like that was myself too for a while.
1:07:42
Jack, Johnny and Jose. Yeah.
1:07:45
Yeah. That's rough.
1:07:49
Yeah, Yeah, You obviously didn't like these people.
1:07:57
That's fair. You've been an asshole to me all
1:08:00
year. Here my favorite on me.
1:08:02
It was my favorite. Drink for a while like you know
1:08:05
it's. It's it's like time, like we're
1:08:07
we're at the bar. You wanted to have, you wanted
1:08:09
to have your birthday at the bar.
1:08:10
You're here to turn up here. I got a drink for you, you know,
1:08:13
like that'll do it. Here to turn up, not die.
1:08:17
Yeah. You're going.
1:08:20
To Jesus tonight, boy. Not me though.
1:08:30
I outlived him. 34 is coming. That's fucked.
1:08:45
Mike didn't see it. No, he didn't.
1:08:47
But Jimmy's just sitting there. Doing this not keep it, it's
1:08:55
fine. Oh, I just got dizzy doing.
1:08:59
That how much of you had to drink?
1:09:02
Buddy, this is number 2 but not poop number.
1:09:05
Two, it's drink #2 but I. Was I was gifted?
1:09:12
A story to tell you guys. Oh boy, Gavin, I know you'll.
1:09:17
Understand. The story Jimmy, when's the last
1:09:20
time you had to pee in a cup? Recently.
1:09:31
Fuck. What was it, couple months?
1:09:34
OK, when? You peed in a cup.
1:09:36
Did someone go into the bathroom and stare at your Dong while you
1:09:40
put pee in the cup? No, I don't think so, no.
1:09:49
Well, that's. How the military makes you pee.
1:09:52
In a cup, you have an observer there watching.
1:09:55
You put your sample in the cup, they have to see it.
1:10:00
Leave the body. Yep.
1:10:04
Well, they're going to need a magnifying glass because.
1:10:06
Fuck a pair of rubber gloves because your boys are sporting
1:10:11
any under that type of pressure. So my buddy Ryan.
1:10:18
He was on, he was on the he was on the piss list.
1:10:22
He had to go do a piss test. And.
1:10:27
You know how you get those rare instances, but they do happen
1:10:31
when you're standing in front of the urinal and you start to push
1:10:34
and you go, Oh no. And then with Dick still.
1:10:38
Out clench your ass. Cheeks and waddle immediately
1:10:41
behind you to the stall. And then, you know, do your
1:10:44
business well. That happened to Ryan.
1:10:50
Ryan was standing there with the this poor junior enlisted guy
1:10:56
standing next to him looking at his Wiener and looking at a cup
1:11:01
and Ryan goes Oh no OK dude, I'm sorry but Oh no oh fuck.
1:11:11
And proceeded to have just the most outrageous IBS blowout in
1:11:18
front of this poor kid. Fuck.
1:11:27
So like this kids already having a bad day because he's got.
1:11:29
To stand in a bathroom and stare at Dicks, right?
1:11:33
And then some asshole decides that he's going to.
1:11:37
Hippo shit. While aiming piss into a cup.
1:11:47
I feel for that guy. It's no fun to be the pecker
1:11:49
checker. It's not a fun job, Definitely
1:11:52
not. Yeah, I heard you volunteered to
1:11:58
be the pecker checker once or? Twice.
1:12:01
Nope, not. Willingly.
1:12:06
That's fair, but also I was going to.
1:12:08
Ask it is. It's like the.
1:12:12
SOP the same. Cause in the Navy you had main
1:12:17
maintain integrity of the cup right?
1:12:20
Which means that however far it was to the bathroom and back
1:12:25
with a full cup, you had to walk with the cup up here on your
1:12:30
shoulder for everybody to see. That was like you got used to it
1:12:38
for the first couple of times. That was like one of the most
1:12:41
humbling experiences of just walking through with a jug full
1:12:46
of bit or like a cup full of piss.
1:12:49
Just like everybody was looking. Everybody knows.
1:12:53
Yep. Then you start judging.
1:12:55
People based on the color of their piss also bet.
1:13:00
Yeah, when you go to put your cup.
1:13:01
In you're like, holy shit, he needs to get his liver checked
1:13:05
right. Jimmy, what were you going to
1:13:09
say? I went to the doctor to get the.
1:13:16
The same time I did the piss check, it was, yeah, the piss
1:13:20
test, it was for a physical and. There's something about a
1:13:27
physical man that's just like. It I hate it, you know, because
1:13:32
you know it's coming, you know they're going to, you know
1:13:35
they're going to be like, hey. We need to we.
1:13:38
Need you to whip it out, you know, and I just I hate it.
1:13:45
It's that element of that element of just being
1:13:50
uncomfortable and just it, it, it really you're, you're really
1:13:55
not representing. And, and when you're feeling
1:13:57
that type of way, you know what I mean?
1:13:58
You feel you're at your lowest point.
1:14:01
And it's because they always keep the doctor's office like.
1:14:05
15° below what the outside temperature is well, so the.
1:14:11
Little guy's hiding. It's cold.
1:14:14
What? Happened with me is there were.
1:14:19
There was a, there wasn't. Really.
1:14:21
A doctor on site at the time it was a was like a medical
1:14:28
assistant. Or a nurse.
1:14:30
Practitioner or something like that.
1:14:33
And she was my age and she was like, OK.
1:14:37
We'll just so you know. It is the rule since we are,
1:14:41
she's like, we don't have any males on site right now.
1:14:43
And it's policy that since I am the opposite sex, there has to
1:14:47
be two of us in the room. And I'm like, oh, OK.
1:14:58
And it's like I'm sent there by work because it's a physical for
1:15:03
work. I'm.
1:15:04
Getting my dot. Physical and and like they can
1:15:09
tell, they can tell I was uncomfortable.
1:15:11
They're like, do you want a towel?
1:15:13
Well, you could just put a towel up and I'll just reach around
1:15:16
the towel and I look at her. I just like yes please.
1:15:22
I just need AI. Just need a single cotton ball
1:15:25
to be completely honest. Yeah, no shit like break I'm
1:15:28
just picturing. Jimmy going back.
1:15:30
To work and going into the office and just immediately,
1:15:35
hey, I can never go back to that hospital you sent me to pick any
1:15:39
other one. I'm standing.
1:15:42
There, looking like a pathetic, frightened Harry Ken Ball dude,
1:15:47
it was not good. And yeah, I don't really ever
1:15:56
want to set foot there again. Like I wasn't good.
1:16:05
You know there was there was another one where I.
1:16:07
Had a physical done same thing dot physical, but years, years,
1:16:14
years ago. And it was, it was very
1:16:18
embarrassing for me because I wasn't listening to the
1:16:21
instructions very well or she just thought I was very well
1:16:24
endowed. The the more I think about it,
1:16:27
the more I think about it like what a lucky woman, you know,
1:16:31
because like she tells me she goes, OK, look, she's like, so I
1:16:35
need to feel your testicles, but you can just pull your pants
1:16:38
down to the point where your balls are exposed, but your
1:16:40
penis is still underneath your pants.
1:16:43
And I'm like, what? What?
1:16:49
I'm like, what? So like, apparently she just
1:16:53
thought I was, like, endowed enough to where I hung down to
1:16:57
where, like, you could still have access to my balls but
1:16:59
still hide what I'm hanging. So I didn't do that.
1:17:03
I just pulled my pants down like a toddler pissing at a urinal.
1:17:06
And I was like, OK. And yeah, I felt bad because I
1:17:15
misunderstood what she was saying and I could just was
1:17:18
ready to get it over with because I was so nervous.
1:17:19
But yeah, no, I, I think it. I think it's funny at this point
1:17:26
so many people even like friends have seen my Wiener in a semi
1:17:37
professional setting that like it just somebody's like whip it
1:17:43
out and they look even like a doctor.
1:17:47
I'm like, all right, cool, sure, there we go.
1:17:52
They even look like they know what a doctor is.
1:17:54
I'm just whipping it out. They they look like they've seen
1:17:58
an. Episode of House.
1:17:59
I'm like, yeah, sure you can see my Dick.
1:18:01
Yeah, it's just like the embarrassment.
1:18:03
Isn't there anymore? Because I remember like those
1:18:07
first couple of days in boot camp where you got 80 dudes
1:18:11
packed into a small little shower stall with the wagon
1:18:15
wheels and everybody's, you know, huddling up there
1:18:21
clenching their junk, trying to, like, shower without showing
1:18:25
anything. And then by day, like four or
1:18:27
five, just nobody gives a shit. So yeah, you you learn to get.
1:18:34
Over stuff like. That very quickly.
1:18:44
I have a a story that will tell on.
1:18:46
Next week's episode about how I almost killed one of my
1:18:49
teammates with my with my Weiner.
1:19:00
Yeah, it involved, it involved. The ocean and a work trip and.
1:19:07
Yeah, we'll pick that up. We'll pick.
1:19:09
That up next week, but I realized something about this
1:19:14
bottle of Buffalo Trace that Buffalo's anatomically correct.
1:19:24
He looks like he's ready for his physical is what you're saying?
1:19:29
What a Buffalo. Dong Yeah, Good for you, Buffalo
1:19:37
Trace. Nope, that's staying in.
1:19:39
Not a sponsor. I was going to ask, have you
1:19:43
been? Up close and personal with a lot
1:19:45
of Buffalo dongs. Not the dongs, but.
1:19:49
When I was at my first duty station there was a there's a
1:19:53
training area right next to where our work location was and
1:19:57
we would go run like 5 in the morning, show up former PT and
1:20:02
then go run the the low trail down to the golf course and
1:20:05
back. There's a fucking bison that
1:20:08
lives along the trail. You know how horrifying it is at
1:20:12
5:30 to hear a Bush the size of a fucking bus snort at you when
1:20:17
you can't fucking see anything? I picture that type of fear when
1:20:23
I'm hunting. Yeah, no, I would shit myself.
1:20:28
I. I did at least once.
1:20:30
Like literally turn into and I had to run.
1:20:37
I'm not a morning duker, I'm a scared duker.
1:20:44
And. Yeah, I'm, I'm thinking.
1:20:47
Of topics for next week, but all right boys.
1:20:51
Is there anything else you want to hit?
1:20:53
This week? Any other off the wall bullshit?
1:20:56
Now that we've completely spiraled and devolved into
1:21:00
nonsensical nothingness, no, no, I think.
1:21:05
I think we pretty much summed it.
1:21:06
All up, yeah. Jamie, did you figure out a sign
1:21:10
off yet? No.
1:21:13
Were we supposed to, Jimmy? Said he was going to.
1:21:17
Start thinking about. It So I was asking if he had
1:21:20
finished thinking about it yet. I thought that was one of those
1:21:24
things. That like you had told.
1:21:26
Me that I just completely fucking data dumped and I kind
1:21:29
of was like, oh shit, was that important?
1:21:34
Well, Gavin, you got anything off the cuff for your?
1:21:36
Sign off Oh no, not not in the fuck.
1:21:39
Slightest don't be an asshole. That, you know, that's a, that's
1:21:47
a solid. Sign off all right and if you.
1:21:50
Are an asshole do. It in the right context.
1:21:56
Easy, Aristotle. Hey, you're the one that.
1:21:59
Got philosophical last. So mine's Caleb I.
1:22:05
Don't do geometry. But for Jimmy, for Gavin and for
1:22:09
Mike, this has been another episode of the Three Damn Dudes
1:22:13
podcast. I didn't fuck it up that time.
1:22:15
That's a nice thing. Thanks for.
1:22:18
Showing. Up.