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Almost Good Advice Part X · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

0:00
Speaker 1: This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
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Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio.
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Speaker 2: Hello, everyone, welcome to an episode of Almost Good Advice.
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Speaker 2: It's Ashley here and I'm here with the advice Master
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Speaker 2: Ben Higgins. We have three questions from Almost Famous listeners
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Speaker 2: this week, and they are as usual, Well, they're hard
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Speaker 2: questions and I know that Ben Higgins, with maybe a
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Speaker 2: little bit of my advice, are going to get you
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Speaker 2: through these issues. Yeah, today's issues are very they're not
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Speaker 2: really specific to these people. They're kind of questions that
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Speaker 2: everyone's going to experience in life.
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Speaker 3: That's great, well, and that's why we do this. We
0:49
Speaker 3: do this so that if you're listening, if you're driving
0:51
Speaker 3: to work, if you're sitting at home, whatever you're doing,
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Speaker 3: you're listening and you can hear maybe some stories that
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Speaker 3: you can relate with to feel less alone. So let's
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Speaker 3: dive into it. Sarah has the first. How can I
1:01
Speaker 3: ask my friend for money they borrowed from me? Here
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Speaker 3: is the story. I sent my friend two hundred dollars
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Speaker 3: last month as they didn't have any money left, and
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Speaker 3: they got paid, but I guess they forgot about paying
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Speaker 3: me back and I didn't say anything because I feel
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Speaker 3: bad as I also got paid that day, so I
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Speaker 3: was planning it on, asking soon if they could send
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Speaker 3: me it back because I'm sure on money. But today
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Speaker 3: they told me that they won't be getting any more
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Speaker 3: money anymore as the government gives them it. So I'm
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Speaker 3: not sure what to do now. But I really need
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Speaker 3: this money as it is four hours of work for
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Speaker 3: me and I'm moving out soon. How do I approach this?
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Speaker 3: Have you ever dealt with something like this?
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Speaker 2: No? I have actually not dealt with something like this
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Speaker 2: because it sounds like your friend might be on unemployment
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Speaker 2: or something because you're saying that she or he is
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Speaker 2: getting money from the government. I have been in a
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Speaker 2: situation that's been really frustrating where a friend owes me
2:01
Speaker 2: money and then they don't pay me back, and then
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Speaker 2: I then they come and they show me all their
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Speaker 2: new outfits that they got, or they tell me about
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Speaker 2: these concert tickets that they spend money on or trip
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Speaker 2: that they're going on, and I'm like, Okay, this is
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Speaker 2: so frustrating because you didn't give me back. Let's just
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Speaker 2: say two hundred dollars because like that's usually what it'll be, like,
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Speaker 2: you know, that's kind of the amount that'll like really
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Speaker 2: annoy you. Normally I would say you ask you just
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Speaker 2: like say, hey, is there any chance that I can
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Speaker 2: get that money that I let you? You ask once
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Speaker 2: and then I don't know, is this super super bad?
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Speaker 2: But can you VENMO request them? That's like kind of
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Speaker 2: the second chance. And then after that, I don't know
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Speaker 2: what you do. Then you just might have to linger
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Speaker 2: and live in frustration and just say you can't do
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Speaker 2: it again and it's a loss.
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Speaker 3: Then well, I think, like most things, it's all about framing.
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Speaker 3: You took a leap of trust by giving your friend
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Speaker 3: two hundred dollars, and this two hundred dollars means a
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Speaker 3: lot to you, probably meant a lot to your friend,
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Speaker 3: and so that was an act of trust. And I
3:20
Speaker 3: think when you now confront this situation, it is still
3:24
Speaker 3: communicating that it was an act of trust. And I
3:27
Speaker 3: think the trust now is being broken or it's at
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Speaker 3: least weakening. And so when you, I mean, obviously the
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Speaker 3: answer here is you have to ask. You know, maybe
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Speaker 3: it's as simple as they forgot and that could happen, right,
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Speaker 3: it does happen, but you have to ask. This is
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Speaker 3: I am in a belief that your debts are always paid.
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Speaker 3: This is not a worldwide feel like we or I
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Speaker 3: at least and our family unit. Here we want to
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Speaker 3: walk through life taking advantage of the gifts of others
4:00
Speaker 3: or even institutions. So we pay our debts. I pay
4:04
Speaker 3: my debts on the golf course. I pay my debts
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Speaker 3: to my friends when we go out to dinner. I
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Speaker 3: pay my debts to the bank, I pay my debts
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Speaker 3: for the house. All these things I pay my debts on.
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Speaker 3: That is a rule in our life, and so we
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Speaker 3: don't overextend. It also helps us budget. So, Sarah, what
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Speaker 3: you have to do is tell your friend, hey, reminder
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Speaker 3: that two hundred dollars I gave you that's really important
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Speaker 3: to me. Leave it there. See if they pay a back,
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Speaker 3: maybe they say I forgot oh yeah, here it is.
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Speaker 3: If they don't, then you have to fall up and say, hey, friend,
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Speaker 3: I did this because I trust you. Now. I don't
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Speaker 3: want this trust to be broken in our friendship, because
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Speaker 3: once trust is broken in a friendship, a lot of
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Speaker 3: bad things come. And I care about you as a friend.
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Speaker 3: So and this two hundred dollars means a lot to me.
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Speaker 3: Can you please pay me back or here's another option.
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Speaker 3: I understand you're in a tough situation right now, or
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Speaker 3: the government or whoever is not giving you more money.
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Speaker 3: Can we get a good plan in place to get
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Speaker 3: this money paid back. Maybe you give me twenty dollars
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Speaker 3: a week now for the next you know, ten weeks.
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Speaker 3: Maybe you pay me fifty dollars a month for the
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Speaker 3: next four months. I'll work with you to get this
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Speaker 3: money back. But I want our trust to like sustain,
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Speaker 3: and this is a moment where I feel like it
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Speaker 3: could be broken, and I don't want that.
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Speaker 2: Ben. So, has there ever been a time where you
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Speaker 2: lent a friend money and they didn't pay it back.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, but usually it's because they forgot it's you know,
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Speaker 3: it's unique in this situation where it sounds like a
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Speaker 3: lack of funds available. In those situations, like because of
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Speaker 3: my and most of my close friends would know that,
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Speaker 3: I very much believe in any any debts owede. I've
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Speaker 3: strongly believe that they are paid, and I have no
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Speaker 3: problem collecting on those debts if we've agreed to that.
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Speaker 3: So it's usually just a tax, like, hey, where's my money,
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Speaker 3: tuner box. It's not coming out of anger. I'm not
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Speaker 3: mad at them at all. It's just like, hey, I
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Speaker 3: we said this, and I'll I need to pay it back.
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Speaker 2: See, I won't like lend a friend money. But if
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Speaker 2: I'm the one who's like, hey, I'll buy the tickets
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Speaker 2: for the concert, and everybody just venmo me, that's the
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Speaker 2: way it goes about. I don't just get lending a
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Speaker 2: friend money. And it's not like a trade. Situation sounds
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Speaker 2: like a trade. I mean, like you know, like you
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Speaker 2: buy something for somebody then say like, just spend on me.
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Speaker 2: It seems dangerous and oh.
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Speaker 3: It's a kind act. I mean, it's nice. If I've
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Speaker 3: I've lent my friends money before when they've needed it.
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Speaker 3: I'm sure I've asked maybe for money when I've needed it.
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Speaker 3: I think it's a it is a very friend that
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Speaker 3: now I would be hesitant. Again, there's always that warning
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Speaker 3: of make sure you know what you're doing and who
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Speaker 3: you're doing it with. But I'm imagining that Sarah had
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Speaker 3: no doubt that this friend would pay it back. But
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Speaker 3: you know, it's sometimes what friends are for. It's sometimes
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Speaker 3: the best option to get support and help in times
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Speaker 3: that you need it. It's not a bad thing to do.
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Speaker 3: I don't advise on doing it at large levels or
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Speaker 3: with people that are, you know, showing a sign of distrust.
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Speaker 3: But it's not uncommon. It's just something now, Sarah, where
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Speaker 3: you are a debt collector, and because you have a
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Speaker 3: close friendship, you can now collect this debt in a kind, considerate,
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Speaker 3: caring way with at the same time giving options that
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Speaker 3: might be more helpful or more your friend might be
7:27
Speaker 3: able to fulfill easier. And I think that is a
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Speaker 3: good way to enter into it. Say I'll work with you,
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Speaker 3: but hey, I give you this money and I would
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Speaker 3: like it back. That's fair, nothing wrong with that. Go
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Speaker 3: for it. Have confidence.
7:39
Speaker 2: It is fair, okay, So have confidence in its Sarah.
7:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, Anonymous says this how to break up with someone
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Speaker 3: who this is some one I'm not going to be
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Speaker 3: good at. Never get at this. My friend says, I'm
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Speaker 3: being gaslighted, but I think she just treats me badly,
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Speaker 3: if that makes sense. For reference, I am twenty one
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Speaker 3: and a male. She is the same age. She ends
8:01
Speaker 3: the call suddenly when I say I love you, and
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Speaker 3: if she says I love you, I have to say
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Speaker 3: it back every time, which she does not do. She
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Speaker 3: always is hot and cold, hot when I don't give
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Speaker 3: her attention, cold when I talk to her. I want
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Speaker 3: to break up with her, but I'm not sure what
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Speaker 3: to say. This is my first time, he says. I
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Speaker 3: feel like, ben An.
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Speaker 2: I feel like Ashley would have not so great advice,
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Speaker 2: considering she's only broken up with one person and it
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Speaker 2: was short term enough that I didn't think it was
8:37
Speaker 2: I mean, it weighs heavy on you when you're about
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Speaker 2: to do it, and the dread is awful. The dread
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Speaker 2: is awful, The dreads the worst part, and then once
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Speaker 2: you do it, you'll like cry, but then like a
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Speaker 2: part of it are relief tears because it's just off
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Speaker 2: your shoulders. This girl. I mean, I'm glad that you're
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Speaker 2: breaking up with this girl because it sounds like she
9:00
Speaker 2: you know, you don't need this in your life. But
9:03
Speaker 2: ben so, what is your advice? I just like to
9:07
Speaker 2: go with what Wells said. Wells said one thing, and
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Speaker 2: it always has stuck with me. And then of course
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Speaker 2: it's dependent on the situation and the length of the relationship.
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Speaker 1: But the just.
9:21
Speaker 2: You're you know, like I like you, like you're a
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Speaker 2: great person, but you're just not my person, Like you're
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Speaker 2: just not my long term person, and then you kind
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Speaker 2: of can't switch it. You can't really work your way
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Speaker 2: out of that, you know, when you're the person that's
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Speaker 2: being broken up with.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not not true. Yeah, okay, I actually can
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Speaker 3: do this. First off, buddy, you're not alone. Breaking up
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Speaker 3: is really hard. As Ashley was saying, there's dread, there's confusion,
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Speaker 3: there's questioning, am I making the right decision or not.
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Speaker 3: There's a lot of anxiety, And so if you're feeling
10:00
Speaker 3: any of those things at all, you're not alone. Just
10:04
Speaker 3: know that I felt that way, that Ashley has felt
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Speaker 3: that way, and millions of other people on this earth,
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Speaker 3: as we've gone through a dating journey, have felt that way.
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Speaker 3: So you're totally normal. It's totally fine if you're feeling that,
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Speaker 3: if you're questioning all these things. Breaking up is even
10:24
Speaker 3: more difficult when you have a partner who's manipulative. And
10:27
Speaker 3: from everything you're saying here, your partner is manipulating you.
10:31
Speaker 3: They are making you chase, they are keeping you on
10:35
Speaker 3: your toes, they are intentionally keeping you questioning things, and
10:40
Speaker 3: in those moments with that in the relationship, breaking up
10:44
Speaker 3: is even harder because you're questioning everything even more, and
10:48
Speaker 3: you're probably going to receive some type of feedback once
10:52
Speaker 3: you break up with her, where it makes you feel
10:56
Speaker 3: about an inch tall, like it's going to make you
10:58
Speaker 3: feel really small. It's going to make you hurt really bad,
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Speaker 3: and you just have to almost expect that and work
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Speaker 3: through it. So here's what I would do. Here's what
11:08
Speaker 3: I would say. My advice for anybody that asked me,
11:12
Speaker 3: how do you break up well? Is you never break
11:14
Speaker 3: up well? Like very The breaking up well typically comes
11:19
Speaker 3: from either a mutual conversation that it doesn't sound like
11:22
Speaker 3: you're going to be able to have, or time. So
11:25
Speaker 3: sometimes breakups, like I am friends with some of my exes,
11:29
Speaker 3: not all of them, but some of them like friends,
11:31
Speaker 3: like I care about them deeply. I want to see
11:33
Speaker 3: them thrive, I want to see their life go on
11:36
Speaker 3: in a great way. I want to support them well,
11:38
Speaker 3: and they do the same to me. That's because, well,
11:42
Speaker 3: one we watched our words that were said when we
11:44
Speaker 3: were breaking up. We both knew it was for the
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Speaker 3: best that we broke up, and time healed, and so
11:49
Speaker 3: as we went on, we don't have these memories of
11:52
Speaker 3: one of us saying to the other Hey, you suck,
11:54
Speaker 3: or you're a terrible person, or you don't deserve to
11:56
Speaker 3: do X y Z, you don't deserve love. No, we
11:59
Speaker 3: said respectful things. We sometimes bit our tongue because we were
12:03
Speaker 3: maybe angry or hurt in the moment. And over time
12:06
Speaker 3: then maybe we reconnected and say, hey, this season of
12:09
Speaker 3: life that we shared together, that was a really great season.
12:12
Speaker 3: And there was a reason that we dated. There is
12:15
Speaker 3: a reason we were attracted to each other. It wasn't forever,
12:19
Speaker 3: but you added so much benefit to my life. And
12:21
Speaker 3: so now you know what. We can be friends, not
12:24
Speaker 3: close friends. They're not my closest confidence, but I care
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Speaker 3: about them hopefully they care about me. So my first
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Speaker 3: advice to you is, even if you're hurt, even if
12:32
Speaker 3: she is saying words back to you that are super
12:35
Speaker 3: hurtful for you personally, bite your tongue. Don't say too
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Speaker 3: much in this moment. The best breakups, the best way
12:43
Speaker 3: to break up is to rip the band aid off.
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Speaker 3: It is short, it is sweet, it is to the point,
12:48
Speaker 3: and then you figure out how to move on. And
12:50
Speaker 3: the moving on part is more of a personal journey.
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Speaker 3: You're gonna do that alone. You're gonna do that away.
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Speaker 3: It might bring some tears, it might bring some loneliness.
12:59
Speaker 3: You might still have that feeling of, oh, I want
13:00
Speaker 3: to check her Instagram or I want to text her
13:02
Speaker 3: today or call her or see what she's doing. You
13:04
Speaker 3: might feel all those things, and you're gonna have to
13:06
Speaker 3: deal with those things personally. That's a whole different topic.
13:08
Speaker 3: But the best way to break up is it's quick.
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Speaker 3: It's to the point, it's not personal. It doesn't use words.
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Speaker 3: They're going to last in hurt and be remembered upon.
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Speaker 3: It's gonna say, hey, as Ashley said, I am not
13:22
Speaker 3: my best person in this relationship. I don't know how
13:26
Speaker 3: you feel about yourself, but I know I don't feel
13:28
Speaker 3: like I am my best version of myself in this relationship.
13:31
Speaker 3: And as a result, like I've thought about it a lot,
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Speaker 3: and because I'm not my best, you're not the right
13:38
Speaker 3: person for me, and I'm not the right person for
13:40
Speaker 3: you at this time in our life, and so we
13:43
Speaker 3: need to break up, like we need, we need to
13:45
Speaker 3: move on, and that's it. And then let all the
13:48
Speaker 3: words start firing. Maybe some questions get asked that you
13:50
Speaker 3: can try to answer again in a short and sweet way.
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Speaker 3: But if you're really feeling this like tug, like we
13:57
Speaker 3: got it in this relationship. I can't be in this
13:58
Speaker 3: relationship any longer. You're gonna have to start this conversation
14:04
Speaker 3: in the midst of dread and anxiety and pain and
14:07
Speaker 3: her and confusion, and just get those words out and
14:10
Speaker 3: then as soon as you can't, hang up that phone
14:13
Speaker 3: and move on.
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Speaker 2: There you go. It's good advice, Ben, that's not almost
14:17
Speaker 2: good advice. That's good advice.
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Speaker 3: I hate it. I hate breaking up, I do, but
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Speaker 3: it is. You know what, there is a good there's
14:24
Speaker 3: a better way to do it. That there's not a
14:26
Speaker 3: right way to do it, but there's a better way.
14:27
Speaker 3: And the better way is short and sweeten to the point. Ashley,
14:40
Speaker 3: we got a final question here.
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Speaker 1: M hm.
14:42
Speaker 3: It's from anonymous again says I think my friend's girlfriend
14:45
Speaker 3: is cheating on him. I don't know how to let
14:48
Speaker 3: him know this. So my friend is a twenty three
14:50
Speaker 3: year old guy and as in a relationship with a
14:52
Speaker 3: college mate for one year before they started doing long distance.
14:56
Speaker 3: It's been four months since they have been doing long distance.
14:59
Speaker 3: For the past the girl hasn't been calling him at all,
15:02
Speaker 3: and all the text seem to be very one sided.
15:05
Speaker 3: It's mostly just her replying to his messages and not
15:09
Speaker 3: initiating conversations. He did confront her about this, and she
15:14
Speaker 3: told him that nothing is going well for her in
15:17
Speaker 3: her work and in her family, so she's solving one
15:20
Speaker 3: thing at a time and this is tying her out.
15:24
Speaker 3: But what made me feel fishy is that almost every
15:28
Speaker 3: day she goes out, she tells him it's either a
15:30
Speaker 3: colleague or a mutual friend, but we don't know for sure.
15:34
Speaker 3: She tells him that since they drop her back to
15:37
Speaker 3: her place, she is saving money on transportation, and so
15:40
Speaker 3: she doesn't mind spending time with him, even one hundred
15:44
Speaker 3: days off. She doesn't call him. Instead, she goes out
15:47
Speaker 3: with someone. I have a fishy feeling that she might
15:51
Speaker 3: be cheating on him, but I'm unable to tell him this.
15:54
Speaker 2: We are also unable to prove that that is the case.
15:58
Speaker 2: So you might be coming up with this just you
16:03
Speaker 2: might just be fabricating this in your head. But you
16:06
Speaker 2: are being open with the friend enough that you know
16:09
Speaker 2: that he confronted her about this situation. The one sidedness
16:16
Speaker 2: and her just seeming not to be initiating, you know,
16:18
Speaker 2: her not being initiating of things. So if you guys
16:22
Speaker 2: are like having chats about the girlfriend and the fact
16:25
Speaker 2: that things aren't going super swimmingly, you can just say,
16:31
Speaker 2: has it crossed your mind that maybe there's somebody else?
16:34
Speaker 2: You don't say that she's cheating on you, but you
16:37
Speaker 2: think that there could be someone else that she's interested in,
16:42
Speaker 2: And then you put it into his hands and he
16:46
Speaker 2: can do the detective work. He can do the prying
16:52
Speaker 2: in conversation with her.
16:55
Speaker 3: Well, one, I think maybe you don't even approach that
16:59
Speaker 3: the fact or the idea that she's cheating on him.
17:02
Speaker 3: I think the conversation here is like, your friend is
17:05
Speaker 3: in a very unhealthy relationship. He is not getting what
17:10
Speaker 3: he needs out of this relationship. For her to say
17:13
Speaker 3: that she's dealing with one thing at a time is fair.
17:15
Speaker 3: I'm good for her. She's doing what's you know, what
17:18
Speaker 3: she needs. However, the question there is when you enter
17:22
Speaker 3: into a committed romantic relationship, it is a priority in
17:25
Speaker 3: your life. You were saying, I have the space, the time,
17:27
Speaker 3: the effort, and the desire to pay attention to this relationship. Now,
17:32
Speaker 3: every couple has their own different dance. You know, some
17:35
Speaker 3: couples need to talk all the time. Some couples need
17:37
Speaker 3: to talk once a day, Some couples need to just
17:40
Speaker 3: like check in on each other. Whatever. If you're doing
17:42
Speaker 3: long distance, you know, I did a long distance for
17:43
Speaker 3: three years. We had our own dance and our own
17:46
Speaker 3: way of going about things. However, the focus, because we
17:51
Speaker 3: both cared about each other, was still how is like,
17:55
Speaker 3: how are we keeping this relationship healthy? How we keeping alive?
17:57
Speaker 3: What does Jessica need? Was a question I'd ask myself.
18:00
Speaker 3: She'd probably ask herself the same question. What has been
18:02
Speaker 3: need from me today? Does he need me to call
18:04
Speaker 3: him five times?
18:05
Speaker 1: Maybe?
18:06
Speaker 3: Maybe not. Maybe he just needs me to check in
18:08
Speaker 3: on a night, Maybe he needs a text because he's
18:10
Speaker 3: been in meetings all day, whatever that may be. When
18:12
Speaker 3: you're in a relationship, it is a priority. It is
18:14
Speaker 3: a focus, and you are spending intentional time thinking about
18:17
Speaker 3: in order to keep this relationship alive. Now, this is
18:19
Speaker 3: all given with the idea that you care to keep
18:23
Speaker 3: this relationship alive. As soon as someone stops caring about
18:27
Speaker 3: keeping the relationship alive, the intention in the pursuit is gone.
18:31
Speaker 3: And it sounds like this girl's intention in pursuit is gone.
18:34
Speaker 3: So talk to everybody about that. Don't talk to about
18:36
Speaker 3: what you think could be happening. Talk to him what
18:37
Speaker 3: about what actually is happening, which is that she's distant,
18:42
Speaker 3: she's not putting effort in.
18:44
Speaker 2: I have to laugh because, like, your advice is so
18:48
Speaker 2: much more thought out and just so much more intelligent
18:52
Speaker 2: than mine. Yeah, get to the root of the problem
18:55
Speaker 2: is not is not her possibly cheating, it's that she's
18:58
Speaker 2: just not being a good partner at all.
19:01
Speaker 3: Yeah, and bring that up and say, hey, I care
19:03
Speaker 3: about you, buddy. I want to see you find somebody
19:05
Speaker 3: that like it, you know, desires you as much as
19:09
Speaker 3: you desire them. And in this what I'm seeing is
19:12
Speaker 3: that she doesn't desire you, or that she's distant from you.
19:15
Speaker 3: How are And then the court then, instead of going
19:17
Speaker 3: on and on about what you think, the best question
19:19
Speaker 3: is how are you feeling in this relationship? Friend? Like,
19:22
Speaker 3: how are you feeling? Talk to me about it? I
19:24
Speaker 3: want to be here for you.
19:25
Speaker 2: I think that perhaps she's trying to fade him out.
19:27
Speaker 2: I wouldn't say it's straight ghosting, because she's not ghosting,
19:32
Speaker 2: but she's thinking, oh, I'm in a long distance relationship.
19:35
Speaker 2: If I don't show like a ton of initiation, then
19:40
Speaker 2: maybe he'll break up with me instead of me having
19:43
Speaker 2: to break up with him. And like we just said,
19:46
Speaker 2: breakups really suck. Being the person breaking up with the
19:50
Speaker 2: other sometimes can be worse. And if you're not having
19:54
Speaker 2: to see each other face to face, sometimes it's easier
19:58
Speaker 2: to be the one who is open up with And
20:00
Speaker 2: maybe she's just trying to make that situation work out
20:04
Speaker 2: for her.
20:05
Speaker 3: It's almost good advice With Ashley and Ben. We're here
20:07
Speaker 3: to talk to you about all of your problems, anything
20:10
Speaker 3: happening in the world. But if it comes to finance, relationships, dating, friendships, work,
20:16
Speaker 3: I don't know what else. What else is life? Hobbies?
20:18
Speaker 3: How do you get better at golf? I could talk
20:20
Speaker 3: to you about that for four hours. You want me
20:21
Speaker 3: to do that, just give me a call. Hey, We're
20:24
Speaker 3: always here to listen. We're always here to try and help.
20:27
Speaker 3: Can't promise the best advice, but we can promise almost
20:29
Speaker 3: good advice. So until next time, I've been Ben.
20:33
Speaker 2: I've been Ashley. See you guys.
20:36
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