Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Could You Stay Married to Someone Who Has Opposite Political Beliefs From You?

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Could You Stay Married to Someone Who Has Opposite Political Beliefs From You? · I Do, Part 2

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hey, the folks, it is Tuesday, August fifth, and Laurie
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: wrote into us and she needs our help and she
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: like your help as well. You see, she has an
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: issue in her marriage, her forty five year marriage. She
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: thinks it could be broken and can't be fixed. What
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: could possibly be the issue? Would you believe it's politics?
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My initial advice to her, I bet there's something more
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: wrong than just politics. Robes initial reaction to her is,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: y'all ain't talking right. And with that, welcome to this
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: relationship edition of Amy and TJ, where we tackle Robes.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: The question that came to us on our weekly Yahoo
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: column dealing with relationships in forty five years? Really politics? Nah,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: that's probably not it.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: It can't be. You know, I've always believed that you
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: can talk about anything and you can have differences as
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: long as there's mutual respect. So my hunch was that
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: there's an issue with trust and respect between the two,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: because if you have those two things together, it seems
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: like you can work through differences of opinions. Now, it's interesting,
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: we'll get into our reader's comments, but a lot of
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: folks feel like these days politics isn't politics, its values,
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: it's morals. It's gotten to a place where it's beyond
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: what you think about the issues and more about how
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: you treat other people. And if that's the case, they
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: say this could be a much more significant situation, then
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: maybe even I was giving it credit for being all.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: Right, we'll give you the full breakdown here, But Lauria
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: wrote in against talking about her forty five year marriage
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: and she thinks they're possibly in trouble because of politics. Now,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: we gave the summary there at the top, but this
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: is what Laurie wrote into us fully. Here is her
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: description of the issue.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: Amy and TJ after nearly forty five years together. The
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: most significant strain on my marriage is politics. My husband
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: and I used to share the same party, but in
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: recent years we found ourselves at polar opposite ends of
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: the spectrum. The divide has led to frequent and heated arguments.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: We've tried avoiding political discussions entirely to protect our relationship,
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: but it inevitably comes up, especially when we talk about finances,
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: our children, or plans for the future. So how can
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: we create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate difficult
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: conversations without damaging our marriage?
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: Laurie, what was the last part of the question, how can.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: We what create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: difficult conversations without damaging our marriage.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: I take politics out of this entire equation and just
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: go with that question. That's a question you should ask
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: not just about politics in your relationship, but everything you
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: do in your relationship. You should create boundaries and navigate
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: in a certain way that you are being respectful of
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: the other person. You should do that already in your marriage.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: Politics shouldn't make a difference. It shouldn't matter the subject matter.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: It could be freaking the Chicago Bears, for gotta sake
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: and the Vikings. Who cares. I mean, she shouldn't. She's
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: putting so much emphasis on politics. And that's where maybe
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I my eyebrows went up in that she's saying politics.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: But if you've been together forty five years, built a life,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: and have kids, political differences after forty five years are
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: not the problem in your marriage.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: It seems that I would absolutely agree with you. You could
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: get into a heated argument over which way to drive
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: the car, which way to get to the grocery store.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: I mean, there are plenty of things that seem small
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: that can become huge because the bigger issue is the
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: fact that you lack respect for one another, and that,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: to me is my best guess that that's what's going on.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: And then you have to kind of dig deeper and
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: ask why you feel that way. I think part of
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: my advice was to ask for her to ask herself
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: why she's so triggered by what he's saying to her.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: Why is he so triggered? He needs to ask himself
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: why he's so triggered by what she's saying to him.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: And I think that you can't change with the other
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: person thinks Sarah feels or believes, But you can ask
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: yourself why you are so personally upset or maybe even
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: why you feel attacked because your partner doesn't think or
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: believe the same things you do.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: Okay, but there is this question and indictment on their
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: relationship or is it more so another snapshot of just
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: how divisive our politics have gotten in this country, so
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: bad that it's even causing problems in marriages. Seriously, I'm
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: asking seriously in that is this problem really in that
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: marriage or is this really just a typical sign we
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: talk about all the time. You say your family, you'll
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: have things that are off limits other families. When I
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: go to talk about politics, you get heated. So which
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: is it?
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: It'd be a little bit of both, babe, because I
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: think a lot of people say we aren't dealing with
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: Republicans versus Democrats. A lot of this could be Trump related,
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: Maga related, extreme feelings or beliefs that are on either
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: side of the spectrum. I imagine if they're closer, even
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: you could be a liberal and you could be a
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: conservative and you could still find middle ground. I mean,
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: obviously we see that happen in the halls of Congress.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: But maybe he's far to the right and maybe she's
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: far to the left, and maybe that is too much.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: What shouldn't I say? So what to that? If this
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: is the person I've spent forty five years with, I'm
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: just saying what comes between that? You really telling me
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: that all of a sudden, the political candidates have made
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: you feel so strongly in your position that you no
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: longer can stand this woman.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: It's hard to believe that that has to be what
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's very hard to believe. I could see
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: how it could add a strain to something that's already Yes,
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: I don't want to say broken, but certainly stretched toothin
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: where it's very delicate. You're already dealing with years and
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: years of issues, and then this could be the final
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: nail in the coffin. I could see how that could
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: be the final strain. Or it's just now too much.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: But you're right, there has to be something else in
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: those four decades, something else had to have. If they
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: had a strong support system, they wouldn't This wouldn't be
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: the hill that they die on.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: This couldn't be. It just couldn't be. And we're going
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: to get into some of the comments we've gott and
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: got thousands of them from fellow readers of that column.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: But this I am curious on this one because so
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: many people are really quick and some of the previous
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: questions to just be dismissive and say, nope, you need
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: to drop them, Nope, y'all need to break up. But nope,
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: this one just seems like you read through all the comments,
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: did you see a lot of people having quick, snap
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: yes answers to this. Well was what.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: Interesting to me is the folks who who chimed in,
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: and again a lot of folks did. They kind of
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: surprised me. Many people who wrote in and said that
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: they wouldn't be able to be with someone who voted
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: for a certain candidate, and they actually were supportive of
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: her leaving him. They were trying to guess who had
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: voted for whom or who was on which side of
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: the political aisle. And then people came out strongly saying
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: there's no way a marriage can survive that, And I
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: just thought that was so surprising.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: And upsetting that we are actually again, I didn't read
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: through all of them. You had a sense of which
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: direction it was going. But the idea that there is
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: a I don't know, fairly significant just anecdotal here, because
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: of what we have that there is a significant portion
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: of the population that feels more passionately about politics than
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: they do about marriage and relationships. That politics is number
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: one somewhere on that list. Now, that's one thing. If
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: you meet somebody and you just start dating and you
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: find out about their politics, like, I don't want to
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: continue with you. But if you with somebody for forty
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: five years and the response from people is still yep,
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: forty five years don't matter if it's politics, none of that.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: That seems it's wild to me.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: And look, how many people listening here today. You might
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: not be in a relationship where your partner thinks differently
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: than you. But how about if your children have different
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: political viewpoints, you're gonna just erase them out of your life,
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: You're just gonna cut them off. What about your parents?
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: What about your aunts and nuncles, people who you love,
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: who you grew up with, who you supported. You can't
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: tell me that. So many people listening right now don't
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: have folks in their own families who they love and respect,
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: who voted differently, who think differently, who have different reasons
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: why they believe what they believe. And yes, I have
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: made decisions not to speak of politics or religion with
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: a lot of people who I love, and guess what,
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: life has gotten a lot better because of it.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: Give me that what if? Then? So what if this
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: scenario had to do with a mother and her daughter
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: with a son and his dad, would this come off?
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Would people still be so quick to say, yeah, you
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: got to cut your dad off, Yeah you got to
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: cut your mom off. Or does it come across differently
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: when it's that type of family unit versus this is
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: still family. This is a married couple of forty five years.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: They're more family than most of the family I got
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: at this point. Would that change the equation?
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: It's hard to say, but yes, I do believe that
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: this was more about that romantic love. You can fall
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: out of love with somebody because you don't respect them
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: or you lost respect for what they think, feel, say
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: do versus if it's someone who yes, your parents or
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: your children, that's blood and you can't.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's easier, I can cut this.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: I think that's what it is, isn't that. I know.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: I was really discouraged ToJ I was really discouraged when
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: I read some of these comments because people were so
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: quick to say, basically, move on and find someone who
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: thinks just like you do and then everything will be okay,
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: which is insane and of course not true.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, Well, can I see some of these now? Can you?
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: What do you got to go? And again I always
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: ask you said, it's usually men commenting. What was it
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: this time?
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: If there were more women who were weighing on this line?
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: But there definitely still were more men. But we'll start
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: with the woman. This comes from Martha. Martha had this comment,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: when it comes to politics and religion, you aren't actually
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: talking about politics and religion. You're talking about values. It's
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: next to impossible to build a solid relationship when you
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: have such dramatically differing values. If you can't talk about
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: those things with your primary partner, you don't have a partner,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: You have a roommate. My issue with Martha is that
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: she is assigning what someone thinks to a value and
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: then judging someone if they don't have the same values
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: as her, that there are moral corruptions here, that that's
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: to be assumed. And I don't think that's a fair assumption.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: I see with you. Oh well, at least my first
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: part with that was, again, we're talking about a couple
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: here who's been together forty five years already, You already
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: should have a full understanding of that person's values. And
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: you all have shared values because you built a home,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: you built a family, you got kids and all these things.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I get what she's saying about. It is religion, Okay.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Simply put, if someone is religious, someone isn't religious. The
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: religious person not too far from saying, well, believe they
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: have a better set of values. I don't even think
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: they would say different set of values, but they would
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: say theirs are better that theirs are the one that
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: the non religious person should be following. So in a
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: couple in a relationship, that's one thing if we just met,
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: But how do you apply that robes the argument she's
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: making to a couple that's been together for forty five years,
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, our values are no longer in
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: line because of political candidates.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: It seems difficult to imagine. And I don't know what
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Martha said, it's impossible to build a solid relifship. Well,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: we can assume they've already built a relationship. We don't
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: know how solid it was, So that's where we don't know.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: We don't have the information about how flimsy or how
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: solid it was.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Twenty five years. I am actually assigning them like a
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: good rating in terms of a relationship that's been there.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Forty five years of marriage is not something that you
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: throw away because a political candidate gets one of you
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: fired up. That's embarrassing if you're saying that's the reason.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: So let's step back, please and look at this, and
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: we have to recognize that's actually not the reason our marriage.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: Is can't be I'm asking you this, babe. If you
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: and I and we don't think exactly the same on
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: all issues. But if we voted for different candidates or
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: we had very different political beliefs, do you think it
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: would be healthy in our marriage or our relationship would
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: still be okay if we chose not to talk about it.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think that's what you're saying. If you
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: can't talk about certain things, then you don't really have
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: a relationship with a partner. If I can't talk to
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: you about politics, I agree.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I think what it put whatever thing in there, You
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: and your partner have to be able to talk about everything.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: If a subject is off limits because what I get
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: too worked up, or we just get into a fight.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: You know, a subject causes you to fight, so going
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: into that subject you still can't keep yourself from fighting.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: That's I don't buy it.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: I hear you, I hear you, all right. I want
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: to hear what Kenneth had to say.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: Oh, talk to me, Kennedy.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: Kenneth said, if politics is the strain on a marriage,
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: then you should go separate ways. There can't be any love, affection,
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: or respect left in a marriage like that. Basically, I
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: get it. He's saying. If you guys can't even have
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: a conversation about politics without getting into some horrible fight
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: where you're now thinking about ending your marriage. You don't
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: have a marriage, and.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: You shouldn't be considering ending your marriage because of political candidates.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: You're really telling me that Joe Biden and Donald Trump
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: got one of the two of you so worked up
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: that you know now realize that the person you've been
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: with for forty five years you can no longer be with,
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: no nom that something else is going on.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: All right, Sandy says this, I could not stay with
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: a partner whose values are so different from mine. To me,
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: this is what makes a person who and what I like.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: I actually I am having heart time reading to me,
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: this is what makes a person who and what a
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: person they are. I have to step lightly around my
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: family because we are not on the same page politically,
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: but I don't live with them, and we don't have
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: that deep connection that a spouse has. I would not
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: want to live like that with my spouse. To me,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: it would be like living with an abuser, always walking
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: on eggshells, always watching what you say. That was a
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: little extreme, but I think the consensus is if you
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: can't have a conversation about something, then you don't really
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: have a relationship. With fighting for Where has the.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Word values has come up a couple of times? Did
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: it come up in that one too?
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: It did? Yes, she said I could not stay with
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: the partner whose values are so different from mine.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: Values are so different. This is where we should be
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: careful always. People can have different values, but if they do,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: we shouldn't assign that person being evil now because they
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: don't share my values. That is where we get into trouble. Sometimes,
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: even on something as simple as abortion rights. That person's
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: for it, that person's against it. Doesn't mean either one
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: of those people are evil. They don't share the same values,
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: but one isn't better than another. If you're in your
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: marriage and you're looking at another person and thinks they
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: are you think they are not as morally sound, if
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: they are in some way less than you when it
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: comes to values, then.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: That's a wrap exactly. Because if you're talking about you
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: mentioned abortion rights, but it could be immigration, it could
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: be the war in Gaza and supporting Israel or Palestine.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: I mean, there are plenty of sides that people can feel.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: Their side is the valuable side, their side is the
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: correct side, their side is the morally sound side. But yes,
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: that means then you have to assign to the other
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: side all of the opposites, and therefore you don't respect
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: the other person. And so yes, if you're if you
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: are assigning not only are your values different, but they're correct,
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: it means the other person's values are incorrect. And that
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: is where the problem.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: You don't leave open the possibility that there is another way.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: You don't leave open the possibility that you are wrong.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: You don't leave over the possibility the way you see
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: it as just one of many options. I really want
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: to talk We've had several. Laurie is one I really
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: want to talk to. I really want to talk to Laurie.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: We got a few more comments here, but the next
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: two we're gonna let you hear. One person just out says,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: get a divorce. The other says you're making a mistake
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: in the value you're assigning to your partner. And they're saying, Laurie,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: this is all on you.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: Before we go to break, I have to tell you
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: about new leggings I've been living in lately. They're from
• 17:19
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• 17:22
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• 17:26
  Speaker 2: that alone, you already know they're going to be pretty good.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: These leggings feel like a second skin. They're super flattering,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: super comfortable, and somehow still supportive. I've been wearing them
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: on my warning runs and they've quickly become my everyday
• 17:41
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  Speaker 2: Head to tonaactive dot com and use code iHeart for
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  Speaker 2: twenty percent off and free shipping. And welcome back to
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: this edition of Amy and TJ. This is our Ask
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Amy and TJ podcast. It does, of course, our podcast
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: based on our Yahoo relationship advice column. You can find
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: it on Yahoo in the Life section. Every Monday, there
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: is a new question from a reader and they have
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: been so thought provoking. This week's certainly is one that
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: had a lot of you responding to because this is
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: a woman who says she's been with her husband for
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: nearly forty five years and politics. Politics is the reason
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: why now she is considering getting a divorce. She doesn't
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: know if her marriage can make it through this political
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: divide our country is experiencing, and now this particular couple
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: is experiencing. And we have had several comments that we've
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: been reading on the podcast, and a lot of them
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: really surprised me. I was shocked by so many of
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: you who wrote in and said this isn't going to work.
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: And I guess I started approaching this thinking, how could
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: it not work? Just talk differently, talk better, talk with respect.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: But perhaps that is the issue in and of itself.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's probably not politics. It's not about we
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: can't talk about politics and be respectful. No, you can't
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: talk and be respectful. Damn the subject. It doesn't matter.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: You're sitting across from the person you love forty five
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: years of marriage. You gotta I'm not saying you're going
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: to get it right every time, and mistakes are made
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: and fights happening with every couple. That's not the suggestion,
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: but over time, over forty five years, you should really
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: sit down and look at each other and go really,
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: forty five years, we were really about to do this
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: over politics. If the answer from the other person is
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: anything other than you're right, we have to do better,
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: then it's probably over.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right. I mean maybe that is the best advice,
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: sitting down face to face and just actually ask one other,
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: is this why we're so angry at each other? Why
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: are we actually so angry at each other? You think
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: maybe all those years there has been a lot of
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: pushed down resentments and it comes up in unexpected ways,
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: and maybe now in a very expected way, in a
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: very specific conversation. But it might just be all this
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: anger and resentment you've pushed down for the past four
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: decades that needs to come out.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Okay, she doesn't have apollo. This is a relationship. This
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: isn't a politics. I think this is a relationship issue.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: Isn't it Funny though we all want to point to something. Aha,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: that's the reason why. That's it, that's it, that's it.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: He did this or he said this, and that's why
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: we have a problem. And very often we don't look
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: inward and ask ourselves why we have our problem and
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: how we can fix it. So this, uh, this comment came.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: I actually there's usually a name. I just have a
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: bunch of numbers one zero, one two, one six, two
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: zero two eight four one zero commented this when she asked,
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: can her relationship be saved? He said, not really. Politics
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: these days seems to make the other side less than
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: human and evil as well as ignorant and unintelligent. No
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: marriage can survive spouse's thinking of the other in this way,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: get a divorce.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: I agree with that. If you are viewing each other
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: the way people on both sides of the aisle or
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: on Twitter view each other, then yeah, because the way
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: they with the disdain that we sometimes engage in politics
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: and discourse, if that's going on in the house, that's impossible.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: It's no way to live for sure. And again, I
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: just think if Laurie had the ability with her husband
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: to actually go underneath and go beneath the conversation of
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: politics and really get to the heart of the disrespect
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: and the lack of all of that. You know, and
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: I've said this before, but we always talk about love
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: when it comes to marriage, how much we love each other.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: But I want to know how much they like each other.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: And it sounds like they don't like each other that much.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: And that's sad and perhaps the real problem and the
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: real issue, and it might extend beyond politics.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: Crazy. I love is easy. We talk about this all
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: the time. Do you like that person? Do you like
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: to have a meal? Do you like to go to
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: a movie? Because it's pretty much all life and relationships
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: turns out to be. We're gonna watch Netflix, We're gonna
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: eat a few meals together. Every once in a while,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: we'll go see a new movie. If you don't like
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: doing those things with who you're with, everybody listening to us,
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: it's time I ask some questions.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: It's something that I never considered before, which is insane
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: to me. And I've actually said the opposite, I don't
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: like you to the person I am with, And then
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: why that didn't strike me as Holy hell, get out
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: of that relationship right now. It's not gonna get better.
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: If you don't like someone, it's probably not gonna get better.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Laurie, and we would ask, say, Laurie, ask yourself
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: that we didn't. I don't think we put that in there.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: We didn't know, but that's very simple. Do you like
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: your husband? Man? For everybody listening right now, the person
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: you're with, do you like like genuinely get excited. Ah,
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: it's a meal tonight. It's gonna be fun. We get
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: to go blank Ah, this new horror movie coming out.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: Can't wait, can't wait to go with whom you know?
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: I've actually had this question throughout my life where I've been,
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: maybe on a work assignment, I find myself in a
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: beautiful place. Who would you like to have standing next
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: to you taking in the view.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: That's a better one, that's even better than the meal.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Would you rather stand here alone? Do you want the
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: dog with you? Do you want your best friend? But
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: do you actually want the person you're married to standing
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: next to you?
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: That's a question that if you ask yourself, you will
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: have an immediate response. It'll be within you. You won't
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: even have to think about it. It'll be a feeling,
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: and you will know.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: This last was a long one? Was this? Yeah?
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: This one's good though. Okay, this comes from Sky, So
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: I don't know if it's a man or a woman,
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: but we'll go with her, just so I can have
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: a pronoun. Sky says beliefs are just that beliefs. They
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: can and do evolve and change the problem is that
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: people make their beliefs and opinions into a part of
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: their personal identities instead of seeing them for what they are.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: In a relationship, That means each person starts to defend
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: not their side of their argument, but their own self,
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: and it becomes personal and potentially explosive and nasty. Keeping
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: a sense of humor about ourselves helps a lot, as
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: well as keeping a sense of humor. In general, none
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: of us really knows what's going on or how things
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: will change, or even how ourselves will change. Value you
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: partner with your whole self, not your opinions. So much.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: Damn that was good. This was sky sky. I actually
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: got chills reading that. Not to be too much, but
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: that really she couldn't I couldn't have said it better.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: I think she nailed it.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: We need more like that, needs to that idea. If
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: you just heard that, please spread it, Think about it,
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: and spread it. This idea that we are looking at
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: people's opinions as who they are, it's their identity. So therefore,
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: if I disagree with your opinion, you take that as
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: I am fully rejecting you as a person. That does
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: not work because if you do it that way, obviously
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: I'm going to get offended. Wait, you don't like that,
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: I voted this way. This is my identity, so you
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: have a problem with me and who I am. And oh,
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: now this starts a whole new debate.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: And I love that Sky pointed this out because she
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: Laurie said this in her question to us, that they
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: used to be affiliated to the same party and over
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: years their ideas, their beliefs have evolved have changed. Yes,
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: your beliefs do change with more wisdom, more experience, more
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: things at stake, more things that different things that matter
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: to you at different stages of your life. But that
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: sense of you know, think about when you get behind
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: the wheel and someone honks at you or someone cuts
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: you off, we take it personally that is happening to us.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: It is something that that person did to our personal selves,
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: our identities, our egos, instead of they're just in a
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: hurry and maybe they didn't look or maybe they were
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: just rash or rude or whatever, but it had nothing
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: to do with you. But we all take things so personally.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: If they're doing it in their relationship Laurie and this
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: and their husband's that's I hope not and let that be.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: And again we gave our advice on the column, but
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: some very good advice always does come from the readers
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: as well, a lot of it that we didn't think
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: of and that we absolutely support, and I think this
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: is a very good one. Can you just stop, Laurie.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: Are you looking at him and is he looking at you?
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Are you being offended that he doesn't agree with your opinion,
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: because all of a sudden he's rejecting you his wife.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: You just have a different opinion, a new opinion. We
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: make it sound simple. It might be hard to execute,
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: but what you have to do is fairly simple. It's
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: hard to do. I'm not saying that, but it's you
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: know what you have to do.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: You think they're gonna stay together.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: I hope so, because forty five years is of value
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: and it shouldn't be thrown away. I don't want their
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: marriage to be now collateral damage. In a nation divided,
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: we're losing a lot out on the streets. We're losing
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: I mean, you could even argue about friendships being lost,
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: lives being lost in some of the debates, in the
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: battles going on having to do with politics. We are
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: losing so much. Do we have to have it cost
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: us a forty five year marriage as well?
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: I pray it doesn't I agree, And you know what,
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: I one last thing I would like to say, and
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: I have to remind myself of this as well. When
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: there are issues and disagreements, even between you and me, babe,
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: or me and my daughters or whomever, instead of getting offended,
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: get curious. Instead of thinking how could he or how
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: could they think that? Ask why? And when you start
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: asking questions to understand versus looking at it from your
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: perspective of defending your position or insisting that you're right,
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: if you can actually just get curious instead of angry,
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: that's a game changer. And so maybe Laurie and her
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: husband can do that as well, and maybe they can
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: find actually an even deeper connection when they realize that
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: they actually can think differently and still like and love
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: one another.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: We don't know from this in we've only got the
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: information we have to go with, but just from our
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: reading of it, I think we both agree something else
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: possibly is going on forty five years of marriage. It
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: is worth your time and your effort to see if
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: you can figure this out.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: So Laurie, we wish you well and listeners, thank you
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: for listening to us, and please feel free to go
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: onto the Yahoo Life section and put your comments in.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: We always appreciate hearing from you, but we really appreciate
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: you listening to us. I'm Amy Roebach alongside my partner
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: t J. Holmes. Have hope you all have a great
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: day to day