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What If You Want to Stay With a Narcissist? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So what if you want to stay with a narcissist?
• 0:04
  Lee, what the hell are you talking about?
• 0:06
  Hey, these are the questions I get in my group.
• 0:09
  People ask me these questions anonymously of course, but they
• 0:13
  ask the question nonetheless. Like So Lee, what happens if you
• 0:20
  want to stay with a narcissist? If you don't want to leave?
• 0:22
  You think if you think you have them figured out and you think
• 0:25
  you could, you could make it work.
• 0:27
  What? What should I do?
• 0:28
  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
• 0:30
  I'm a diagnosed narcissist, you know, and I talk about the mind
• 0:33
  of a narcissist, how how to deal with narcissistic people.
• 0:36
  And today's mic holder is a fat caliber.
• 0:38
  So y'all see that snap, snap, snap.
• 0:41
  I was going to get a real mic holder.
• 0:43
  I'm like, yeah, yeah, what? We have fun on this channel.
• 0:45
  Let's just grab me something random every day to hold the mic
• 0:47
  on. So today we got a caliber.
• 0:48
  I'm turning this way so you can't really see it, but yes,
• 0:53
  what do you want if what happens if you want to stay with them?
• 0:55
  What do you do in that situation?
• 0:56
  What do you do in that scenario when you want to stay with a
• 0:58
  narcissist like Lee? What the hell?
• 1:00
  Who would want to stay with them?
• 1:01
  Like why are you even making this video to convince people to
• 1:03
  stay? That's not the point of this
• 1:05
  video, y'all. The point of this video is to
• 1:06
  not convince people to stay. That's not what I do, y'all.
• 1:09
  I give you the information necessary for you to make a
• 1:11
  conscientious, conscientious decision on whether you want to
• 1:14
  leave or what do you want to stay.
• 1:15
  That's up to you, right? You have to make the decision on
• 1:17
  your own. But if you want to stay with a
• 1:20
  narcissist, the number one thing that you have to understand, the
• 1:25
  number one thing that you're going to be dealing with if you
• 1:28
  decide you want to stay with a narcissist is drum roll, please,
• 1:32
  the room. You're going to have to accept
• 1:35
  them as is. Now Doctor Romney talks about
• 1:38
  radical acceptance a lot, right? And I, I agree, radical
• 1:42
  acceptance is really, this is one thing you absolutely have to
• 1:46
  have when you're dealing with a narcissistic person and you want
• 1:48
  to stay with them. You have to, you have to have
• 1:51
  radical acceptance. And I know a lot of people don't
• 1:53
  want to hear that, like Lee, but what you change, Lisa, Why can't
• 1:56
  the narcissist change? Why can't they?
• 1:58
  I've put the work in. I'm still putting the work in to
• 2:02
  this day. I am.
• 2:06
  And I looked at radical acceptance.
• 2:08
  It says the ability to accept situations that are outside of
• 2:12
  your control without judging them.
• 2:15
  This reduces suffering caused by the situation.
• 2:18
  Radical acceptance means full acceptance of reality with your
• 2:21
  mind, body, and spirit. It is accepting that reality is
• 2:25
  unfolding the way that it is. You cannot control this
• 2:28
  narcissistic person. This is what I get when I hear
• 2:31
  that right there. You cannot control them.
• 2:33
  You can't control what they do, where they go, who they do, who
• 2:36
  they going to do. The only thing that you can
• 2:39
  control in this situation is you.
• 2:41
  You have to accept what you absolutely what you actually
• 2:44
  have control over this situation and most times people don't want
• 2:47
  to hear it. The only thing that you really,
• 2:48
  truly have control over in this scenario is yourself.
• 2:51
  You can't control them. It does not work that way.
• 2:55
  When you're doing the narcissist, it does not work
• 2:56
  that way. You cannot control them.
• 2:59
  You can beg and plead and cry. You could try to set, you can
• 3:02
  try to set boundaries later on, but it's very difficult to set
• 3:05
  boundaries with somebody who's set in their ways, who's so used
• 3:08
  to being so used to using you and abusing you.
• 3:11
  It's so difficult to do that. So imagine consistently trying
• 3:15
  to do that do that to somebody. Trying to consistently set a
• 3:18
  boundary with somebody who doesn't care about those
• 3:20
  boundaries is tough as hell to do y'all.
• 3:22
  Let's just keep it. It is extremely tough to set a
• 3:24
  boundary on someone who does not give a damn about your
• 3:28
  boundaries, who who does not give a damn about the rules that
• 3:32
  you set. They don't.
• 3:36
  And make sure you describe, subscribe to the YouTube channel
• 3:38
  if you haven't already out. You're closing in on 500 Ki.
• 3:40
  Really appreciate it. I'd like to hit it before my
• 3:42
  birthday, July 14th before I turn 40. 500 crate. 500 crate.
• 3:47
  500K at 40 would be amazing. Seriously.
• 3:54
  But you got to accept them for who they are y'all.
• 3:55
  You cannot change this person or you wouldn't.
• 3:57
  So ask yourself this question. If you want to stay, are you
• 3:59
  willing to accept them as is? No changes, no personality, no
• 4:04
  work, no hard work, just as they are right now, just who they are
• 4:10
  right now. And this is not, this is not,
• 4:12
  not me telling you to make a rash decision right now.
• 4:16
  This is me telling you to take your time.
• 4:17
  This is homework for you. Take your time and write this
• 4:20
  stuff down. Write down who this person
• 4:22
  really is because they're healing.
• 4:24
  We're healing moving forward one way or another.
• 4:27
  Like what do you decide to leave or stay?
• 4:29
  It's going to require you to for you to tell yourself the truth
• 4:32
  about who they are. It's going to require you to
• 4:37
  tell for you to tell yourself the truth about who they are.
• 4:40
  It really is. So when I say you're going to
• 4:43
  have to tell yourself the truth about who they are, you're going
• 4:45
  to have to write it down. Write down who they are, not
• 4:49
  what you think about them, not the the truth about who they
• 4:52
  are, how they've been treating you.
• 4:54
  Why are you thinking about leaving in the 1st place?
• 4:57
  Why you left in the first place? For me, I've already some of
• 4:59
  y'all have already left and considering trying to go back.
• 5:02
  So ask yourself, why did you leave in the first place?
• 5:05
  Write this down. Write down who they really are.
• 5:08
  Because whether you leave or stay, this is something you
• 5:10
  have. This is a question you have to
• 5:11
  answer for yourself right here. Can I deal with this person?
• 5:15
  I also think you're right here if you can't leave.
• 5:18
  So I know some money, whatever the situation is, right?
• 5:20
  So this video is also for the people who feel like they're
• 5:22
  trapped because you have to make a long term plan and you're
• 5:25
  trying to survive in it. Like what does happiness look
• 5:28
  like for you right now? I feel like if you decide to
• 5:30
  stay with this person or you're going to try to go back to this
• 5:32
  person or whatever the case may be, right, which I suggest what
• 5:35
  I'm always against, all right, if that person is not doing any
• 5:38
  kind of work, one thing you got to you got to realize is that
• 5:43
  this person is like they they're going to be them.
• 5:48
  They are not like you going to have to reframe what you think
• 5:52
  happiness is. You're going to have to, you
• 5:56
  have to change what happiness looks like to you and what
• 6:00
  happiness means to you. You're going to have to reframe
• 6:03
  it. And I know that sucks to even
• 6:05
  say out loud to y'all for y'all to think about, but it's true.
• 6:08
  You're going to have to reframe what happiness looks like to you
• 6:13
  because if you because what happens to a lot of people in
• 6:16
  these hospital relationships, the one especially the ones that
• 6:18
  I talked to over Zoom, right? They get jealous of other
• 6:22
  people's relationships, other people that have happy, healthy
• 6:26
  relationships, they get the person who's dealing with the
• 6:28
  narcissist gets jealous because they understand that their
• 6:31
  relationship will never look like that.
• 6:35
  Their relationship will never ever be like what they look at
• 6:38
  as a happy relationship. You have to reframe your
• 6:41
  happiness. So I say all that to say this,
• 6:43
  look at all the stuff you got to do to be with this person.
• 6:46
  What are they giving up? Nothing.
• 6:49
  What are they sacrificing? Nothing.
• 6:51
  You have to do all the work. It's on.
• 6:57
  You look a lot of work with little to little to no or no
• 7:04
  return on it. You just survive.
• 7:06
  And I understand people, some people are just trying to
• 7:08
  survive and make a plan. I get that.
• 7:09
  Listen, I like, yeah, this is not me judging y'all.
• 7:12
  This is me trying to just give y'all the information necessary
• 7:15
  for you to make those decisions on your own.
• 7:17
  But that are not going to be easy decisions.
• 7:19
  I don't want these decisions. I don't want y'all to think that
• 7:21
  these decisions are going to be easy because they are not.
• 7:26
  They're not going to be easy decisions.
• 7:29
  But you have to understand, like this is who you dealing with,
• 7:32
  y'all. Seriously.
• 7:34
  You can't change them if nothing changes.
• 7:37
  What would you be happy with the decision to stay or go back if
• 7:41
  nothing were to change? I don't get y'all.
• 7:43
  Let me be real with you. Let me keep it high.
• 7:45
  I don't care what they said. They're going to change.
• 7:48
  I don't. I'm going.
• 7:49
  To go to therapy. I'm going to put the work in.
• 7:51
  I'm going to go to school. I'm.
• 7:52
  I'm going to stop hitting you. I'm gonna stop cheating.
• 7:54
  I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna stop.
• 7:55
  I'm gonna stop. I'm no.
• 7:57
  Why did you stop already? So you stopping and being a
• 8:01
  better human being is contingent upon me staying or coming back
• 8:04
  to you. That doesn't mean that means
• 8:06
  that you really don't want to try to be a better person.
• 8:08
  That means you're just trying to be manipulative to keep me from
• 8:11
  leaving or to keep to may have me come back.
• 8:13
  You don't even really want to change your behaviors.
• 8:15
  You just don't want me to go. That's the thing that you're
• 8:20
  going to, if you're going to deal with them, this is what
• 8:22
  you're going to have to accept. Well, I don't want to accept
• 8:25
  that at all. Hey, I don't make the rules.
• 8:27
  I'm not trying to make the rules here.
• 8:29
  I'm just letting you know this is what and who you're going to
• 8:32
  be dealing with. This is a scenario that has
• 8:35
  boiled. It has picked this up up that so
• 8:37
  many people are going to be battling and dealing with.
• 8:39
  I promise you, you are and it sucks because you're just trying
• 8:42
  to heal. You're just trying to be better.
• 8:44
  You're just trying to feel better.
• 8:45
  And it sucks to even think that you have to go through this type
• 8:48
  of stuff because you're never going to be truly, fully happy
• 8:51
  in a topical relationship. You have to accept the fact that
• 8:53
  you're never going to be truly fulfilled.
• 8:55
  You have to accept the fact that you you're going to be jealous.
• 8:57
  You're probably going to look at other people's relationship and
• 8:59
  wonder why yours is not that way.
• 9:00
  You have to accept the fact that this person is who they are.
• 9:04
  You have to accept the fact that you'll be getting you're going
• 9:05
  to be getting a lot less than what you feel like you deserve.
• 9:08
  And you also have to accept the fact that I don't think, and
• 9:11
  this is me being real, like you said, I said it a lot, darling.
• 9:14
  I'm just keeping it real. You want to be real.
• 9:16
  I don't think that you can ever really reach your full potential
• 9:20
  while you're in the throes of a toxic relationship, right?
• 9:22
  I don't think you can ever fully reach your full potential while
• 9:25
  you're in the throes of a toxic relationship, right?
• 9:26
  I don't think you can ever fully reach your full potential while
• 9:28
  you're in the throes of toxicity, while you're dealing
• 9:30
  with an abusive, manipulative person.
• 9:32
  I don't think you can reach the full potential of your life.
• 9:36
  And I feel like that's a big thing for people to accept right
• 9:38
  there. I feel like there's a huge thing
• 9:41
  for people to accept that really, really is.
• 9:45
  I tell people, I tell this to people all the time.
• 9:47
  That's a huge thing for people to accept that you will never
• 9:50
  reach your full potential while you're dealing with an abusive,
• 9:53
  manipulative narcissist. And I know that sucks.
• 9:57
  I know that sucks to hear. I know that sucks to even go
• 10:00
  through. I know that it sucks because
• 10:02
  this you love this person, you got kids with this person, you
• 10:04
  build businesses with this person.
• 10:05
  Again, this is only if you want to leave it, only if you want to
• 10:09
  go back or only if you want to stay with this person.
• 10:11
  Radical acceptance is a real thing, You know?
• 10:14
  You also have to accept the fact that if you go back or if you
• 10:17
  stay, you're probably going to lose some friends and family
• 10:20
  members. Look at it again.
• 10:21
  Look at all the sacrifice that you have to make to stay with
• 10:24
  this damn person, y'all, Yeah, to sacrifice your friends, your
• 10:28
  family, sometimes your kids, sometimes your kids when they
• 10:30
  get older. But they'll tell you if you go
• 10:33
  back, I'm not you going to. I'm not coming back.
• 10:35
  I'm not coming back over here no more you.
• 10:37
  If you go back the second I turn 18, I'm out of here, right?
• 10:42
  Some of them feel that way. So that's something you have to
• 10:45
  think about, y'all. Some of your kids absolutely
• 10:46
  think that. But if you go back into toxicity
• 10:49
  that they will cut you off. They'll cut the non-toxic parent
• 10:53
  off. If you stay in toxicity, they
• 10:54
  will cut you off because you stayed in toxicity when you had,
• 10:58
  if you had the opportunity to leave, right?
• 11:01
  I'm just telling you, just keeping it real with job.
• 11:03
  I know it's tough to even understand in the reconcile and
• 11:06
  just the fact that you have to deal with this type of abusive,
• 11:08
  manipulative person. I hate the fact that you have to
• 11:10
  deal with it. But hey, that's the way the
• 11:12
  cookie crumble sometimes crumble cookies is a real thing.
• 11:15
  Anyway, y'all hit that. Subscribe.
• 11:17
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• 11:19
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• 11:22
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• 11:37
  Click one of the videos on the screen right here to watch
• 11:39
  another video to get all for the support and I'm out.
• 11:41
  Peace.