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Transcript

THESE CONFESSIONS BLEW MY MIND · CelinaSpookyBoo

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Nope. Bless you, child,
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: for you have sinned. I asked you guys to give
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: me some of your darkest sins, some of your confessions, anonymously,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm gonna read them to you guys, and I'm
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: going to... I'm gonna judge you. I'm gonna judge you
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: like this father would. Am I a father? Am I
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: a priest? I don't know how the rules work, but
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: I will today cast judgment and tell you how to
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: repent for your sins. I feel like I'm definitely in
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: trouble for wearing this, but I don't... Care cuz I
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: have a heart of kindness. I accidentally called my boss
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: mom in a serious meeting in front of everyone That's
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: not that bad. You don't have to repent for a
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: simple accident weirdo I steal my roommate socks because he's
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: a dick but only the left ones see I don't
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: see anything wrong here. Oh Am I the problem? I'm
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: always the problem. I catfished my ex as a psychic
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: and they actually paid me for readings Diabolical. That is iconic. Ironic. Wonderful.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: I guess you should repent one single Hail Mary and
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: look at yourself in the mirror and say you were
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: a bad boy. You're a girl. You're definitely a girl
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: that did that. I can tell. You're a bad girl.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I used my neighbor's Wi-Fi but renamed it to FBI
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Surveillance Van so they wouldn't question it. That's smart. Is
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: that a sin? Thou shall not steal two Hail Marys
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: and pinch yourself. I One time I was at a
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: sleepover and everyone had passed out early. I'm sorry. Do
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: not spite me. Smite. Smite! One time I was at
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: a sleepover and everyone passed out early. Boring. Squares. I
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: ended up hooking up with my friend's older brother in
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: the basement. That is just a coming of the age story.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Coming age? Coming of age? I'll stop. The next morning
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: at breakfast, her mom asked why the couch smelled like
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Axe body spray. And I just said, it must be
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: the dog. They don't even own a dog. Why does
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: the dog smell like Axe body spray? And wouldn't she
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: instead want to ask why it smells so sweaty like
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Cheetos in there? Oh, it doesn't. That's not. That's an. Okay,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: four Hail Marys for you. I kissed my cousin at
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: a family reunion on purpose. That's insane. Do the whole
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: rosary and then chop up and eat a whole brick
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: of celery. I let my toddler draw on the walls
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: and then blamed the poltergeist when my husband got mad. See,
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: I just feel like you did what you had to
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: do in that situation, and that is perfectly fine. Was
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: it your child? Do you even know that? Or was
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: it a poltergeist? I buy rotisserie chickens and eat them
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: whole in my car. Same. I mean, not same. I mean,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: I don't do that. I mean, I've never done that.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: I don't think that's a sin, but that isn't right.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: But maybe it's right, but it's not right. I steal
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: soaps from hotels and re-gift them at Christmas. I don't
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: like you. That's a whole sin. You need to go
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: out and buy all of Walmart for the children. You
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: cheap bastard. Unless you're poor, then I feel bad. But still,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: do better. Draw them a picture. Do something. Rude. My
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: boyfriend cheated on me, so I revenge hooked up with
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: his dad. The dad texted me the next day if
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: we could do it again. I still haven't answered. Hopefully, uh,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: this boyfriend, you were of age. I'm just gonna hope that.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I am a priest, so I have, uh, nope, not
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: gonna go there. Could. Would be funny. That dad should
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: know better. That dad sinned. You did too. You're both bad.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I once texted I love you to the wrong person
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: and it was my dentist. Who texts their dentist? I've
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: texted my dentist. He's cool though. But if I told
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: him I loved him, he'd think I was being silly, funny, haha.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: He's cute. I started a fake fan account for myself
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: and it has more followers than my real one. Oh,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: does it feel good? Does it feel good, pal? I
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: don't think that's a sin. You just want people to
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: love you. I don't know what that feels like. I
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: once peed in a swimming pool while making direct eye
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: contact with someone. I didn't write that one. That one
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: isn't mine. But it could be. I've licked my cat's
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: fur just to see what it tastes like. That's just
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: a curious kid. That's fine. That's not a sin. Your
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: punishment is to lick your cat. Nope. I heard it.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: I heard it. I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna back up.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna reverse. I'm gonna pop, lock, and drop it. Drop, drop, drop.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: I have a burner account just to argue with people
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: about Nicolas Cage movies. You know what? Valid. That's not
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: a sin. It's kind of cool, but I need to
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: know which way you're arguing. Because Nicolas Cage is wonderful.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: My favorite movie is Long Legs. It makes no sense.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: But I didn't like it, but I did like it.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: But I didn't, but I did, but I don't like
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: when things are true crime and then turn paranormal for
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: a way out, it feels like. Okay. I once matched
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: with my teacher on Tinder. I thought it was a catfish,
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: so I swiped for fun. And then he messaged me
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: asking if I needed help with homework. I graduated, but
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: not because of my grades. You're saying teacher, not professor,
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: which makes me think you're in high school, which makes
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: me think that your teacher is a pride dieter and
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: is bad. And you should probably tell a trusted adult.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: You did not sin, he did. And his punishment is
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: you telling on him. You got those grades, you're good now,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: but he will get in trouble. That's not all right.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I talk to my plants more than my family. That's fine.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Sometimes they're better. I put hot sauce in my sibling's shampoo.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: That would be invigorating. I think that's the opposite of
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: a sin. I think that's a bonus Jonas. I convinced
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: a kid that carrots make you invisible for 10 seconds
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: if you chew fast enough. That's funny. And I can't
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: wait to be a mother. Because I will be doing
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: those kinds of things. A lot. But that's okay. It's okay.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: I once glued a quarter to the floor just to
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: watch people try to pick it up. Sorry, Apollicon. You're mean.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Not even a bill. You didn't even do a bill
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: on the string. You glued a quarter. Who swoops for
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: a quarter? I would. Whole rosary. Whole rosary and you
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: have to put hot sauce in a spray bottle and
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: spray it in your eye. Yeah. How do you like
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: them quarters? I once told my partner I was running errands,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: but I was actually sitting in my car in a
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Target parking lot for two hours. What's wrong with that?
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you need some me time. That is not a sin. Or, okay,
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: your punishment? Two more hours in a parking lot. Doom
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: scrolling on your phone. Having a great time. I cried
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: at a Burger King commercial. Me too. I cried because
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: it was a poutine. And I just wanted a poutine.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I think about how the whole world doesn't eat poutine.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: And then in America, sometimes they call them disco fries.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: But it still doesn't taste like poutine. Because they use
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: shredded cheese. They don't use curds in the poutine. Do
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: you like poutine? The poutine consists of fries. Extra crispy.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Curds with melted gravy on top. Have you heard of
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: the poutine? It's Canada's dish. It's amazing. Make it with
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: your family. I love poutines. Do you love poutines? I
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: look the way I do because of poutines. Poutines. Doesn't
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: taste like a poutine. I rewatch funerals online like movies. Wow.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: What deep-rooted trauma do you have? Not a sin, but
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: I'm curious. I'd like to know. Please put it in
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: the comments below. Also, do you want to drop your
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: anonymous confession? There'll be a Google Forms in the description
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: down below. It'll be anonymous. Tell me, freaks. Tell me.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: I want to read them. Make them story format. Fill
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: me up. I once facetimed my situationship while I was
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: in bed with someone else. Wh-wh-what? Playing the field? God
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: frowns on that kind of drama. You gotta do half
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: the rosary and volunteer at a soup kitchen. I hooked
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: up with my best friend's mom twice. That's just kind
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: of funny. It's Stifler's mom. It's Stifler's mom. It's Stifler's mom.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: I get it. I used holy water as lube once.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: It burned, but I didn't stop. I think we need
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: to look a little deeper there, because that shouldn't burn,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: because holy water is just water, to be honest with you.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Shouldn't burn. It's probably because you're evil. There's a little
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: evil in you. You must do the whole rosary. You'll
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: probably burn your hands, but we can try. I catfished
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: my own cousin to see if he'd flirt back. He did.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: That's insane. Why are you doing that? Why are you
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: curious of that? That's none of your business. That's your cousin.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: That's wrong. You gotta do four Hail Marys and walk
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: around the block and then have an ice bath. Cool
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: your jugs off, weirdo. I once stole a police car
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: for a joyride and brought it back with a full tank.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: If you didn't get caught, I don't think anything's wrong there.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: That's funny. That's funny. It makes me want to do it.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: I won't do it. Don't go out and do it.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: But am I thinking about it? I am. But imagine that.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: You go. You see the keys. You leave. You have fun.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: You fill up gas. You put it back. No one
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: ever knows. This is a victimless crime. You're fine. No
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Hail Marys. I used to sell my neighbor's Amazon packages
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: on Facebook Marketplace. You're a douche canoe. You are a
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: canoe of douches. That is rude. And that is mean.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: Because you know. that they have talked to Amazon probably
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: so many times about missing packages, that now Amazon thinks
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: that they are just keeping their packages, and they're now
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: making them sign for their packages. You're rude, and that's unkind,
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: and you have to do the whole rosary three times,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: and then you have to buy your neighbor a fruit
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: basket for being a little natty fruit fly and stealing
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: all their shit. I robbed my workplace and then helped
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: them search for the missing money. Was it a giant corporation?
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: I'm kidding. It's not right. Steelers are not cool. Steelers
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: are wheelers and dealers and they can kneelers down and
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: pray to thy father. I scammed my grandma in a
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: fake psychic reading and used the money to buy weed. Ooh,
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: got some questions. You should grandma, bitch. If she's a
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: nice little old lady, then you are a disrespectful child
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: and you must do 27 Hail Marys and you must
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: buy your grandmother a house that's really nice and has
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: so many doilies. But if your grandma is just a
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: bad person- I hooked up at my grandma's funeral. Not
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: just like sneaking in a kiss or something. Full on,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: skirt up, tights down, action in the church bathroom while
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: my family was singing hymns. The worst part, it wasn't
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: even my boyfriend. It was his brother. What? He gave
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: me his suit jacket to cover up after and when
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: I went back to sit in the pew, my mom said,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Oh honey, that's such a nice gesture. He lent you
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: his jacket. I have never felt both so ashamed and
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: so turned on in my whole life. You know what?
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Grief makes you do weird things. And I bet your
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: grandma was at her funeral wondering where you were and
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: went to the bathroom and was like, get it. You
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: did not sin, baby. You fought through your own feelings
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: of grief. And for that, I bless you. I snuck
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: into funerals to steal from purses in the coat room
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: during the service. Ah, I hate you. You're a bad person.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: People are having the hardest time. Why couldn't you just
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: go do it in the bathroom like the last confession?
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: That's the right thing to do, right? You snuck in
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: when people are having the worst day of their lives
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: and took their things. Your punishment? Give all the things
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: back and give everybody $ 20 and kiss them on the
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: mouth and tell them that you were a bad person
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: and then you go to jail for seven years. 900
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: Hail Marys. I accidentally hit a car and left a
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: note with my ex's number. We're walking the line. I
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: know it's bad, but I also think it's funny. So
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: we'll just bypass that. You get away, Scott Freak. Because
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I forgot. I sold fake VIP wristbands to Coachella and
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: made rent money. That's diabolical. And that's terrible. Because these
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: are people who don't have probably a lot of money
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: to buy the actual wristband. So they get it from
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: a deal from you. And they go there. And they
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: do everything they can to go. And then they get
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: screwed out of it. I've got an accent because I'm
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: so upset. Because it's so rude. And it's so mean.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Dirty little ass face. I don't like you. Your punishment.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: You're putting on a whole event. And everyone you ever
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: scammed gets to go. And you have to pay for it.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: GREAT EMO BANDS FROM THE EARLY 2000S TO COME PLAY!
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: GOOD CHARLOTTE! HALEY TALENT! MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! FROM FIRST TO LAST!
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: SIMPLE PLAN! FALLOUT BOY! SILVERSTEIN! SLIPKNOT! MARILYN MANSON! YOU'RE GONNA
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: PAY FOR ALL OF THEM TO COME PUT ON A
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: SHOW FOR EVERYONE YOU SCAN! YOU FREAKIN' DOOSH CANOE! I
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: CLOGGED THE TOILET AT A PARTY. PANICKED. SCOOPED IT OUT.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: AND THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW. You did what you
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: had to do. There are no sins there, my child.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: You did as you had to. It's gross. But you didn't.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: I once drank bong water because I thought it was
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: iced tea. I used to partake in bong water. It's
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: by far the nastiest thing I've ever tasted in my life.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: That's a sin. You didn't think it was iced tea.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: You were curious. I know you. I've been you. I
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: wasn't you. I didn't do that. Gosh. I reused a
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: condom because I didn't want to waste money. No. That's
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: a sin. That's not how those work. That's not right.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: That's wrong. Five Hail Marys. And you get to spend
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: all your extra money on condoms. Yeah, I'm gonna gag.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I roleplayed as Jesus during sex once. I report to him.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: How am I supposed to- He already knows! He's Jesus!
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: He's the all-knowing being! Father, I'm so sorry that I
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: just read that and that you went through it and
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: then I had to bring up the memory of somebody
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: doing that and pretending to be you. Cause- cause that's
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: not right, that's a sin. What? Yeah, he says you're bad.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Y'all do three Hail Marys and then you have to
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: goon yourself. No lovers anymore. Just gooning. I just learned
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: that term. I hooked up with my coworker in the
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: walk-in freezer while customers waited. It's like shitting on the
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: company dime. No, it's not. Kinda. Ooh. No sin, just funny.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: I worked at Starbucks once and made a frappuccino with
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: breast milk on a dare. The customer said it was
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: the best one they ever had. What? That is definitely
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: a health hazard. That's definitely not all right. And I
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: feel like consent needed to be addressed there. But you know,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: all that makes each other giggle because we just do
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: things for a dare because it makes you feel something,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: doesn't it? You have to do seven Hail Marys and
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: then you have to do 900 hours of community service
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: at a soup kitchen and don't bring your breast milk.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: In high school, I hooked up with a guy under
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: the bleachers. Turns out it was also the janitor's smoke
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: break spot. He just stood there watching and said, don't
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: get caught. Oh, he's going home to goon later. And
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: he's knocked twice if you think they are a predator.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: Don't get caught. Did he leave? He watched. Definitely tell
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: your principal about that. Just say you saw somebody else
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: doing it. Just give a look into it. You never
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: know if there's other victims. You didn't stand. I guess
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: you weren't married. That's okay. It's 2025. One night after breakup,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: super drunk, I stole a whole rotisserie chicken from Walmart.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: I ate it in the bathroom at a club while crying.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: A girl walked in, saw me, and gave me a fork.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: That's just the girl experience. That's just girls helping girls.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: There's no sitting there. You were processing. Go ahead, baby.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Eat that whole rotisserie chicken. We bless you. I once
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: made out with my best friend's dad at her birthday party.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: When she came looking for him, I was still wiping
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: frosting off my face. Why you gotta sound so young?
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: You do, and I don't like it. I'm afraid to
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: read it. When I was 17, I babysat for this
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: super bougie family. One night, I invited my boyfriend over
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: after the kids went to bed. We were messing around
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: on their $ 5, 000 Italian leather couch. When one of the
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: kids woke up, he wandered downstairs, rubbed his eyes, saw
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: his half naked and goes, are you guys fighting? Do
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: you need me to call the police? I panic and
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: I told him we were practicing for a play. The
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: next day, the mom asked me why her son told
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: her I was a really bad actress. They never called
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: me back, but I still think about that couch. You
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: know what? I think that was a quick save. No,
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: I'm a father. It's inappropriate to invite a man over
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: to where you are babysitting. That is a sin. Five
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Hail Marys. But if I'm me, I would say, that's funny.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: That's a good catch. And you have much more balls
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: than I do. You have big father balls. I once
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: had a Tinder date who asked me what the weirdest
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: place I'd ever hooked up was. I didn't have a
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: good answer, so I jokingly said, we should do it
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: in a graveyard. He thought I was serious. At 2 a.m.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: that night, we ended up on top of someone's headstone
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: with a blanket from his trunk. Halfway through, the sprinklers
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: turned on and we ran out soaking wet, tripping over graves.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: On the way out, he stole flowers from one of
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: the graves and handed them to me like a bouquet.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: I never saw him again, but I still have the
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: dead lady's roses pressed in a book. It's bad and
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: it's disrespectful, but at the same time, what a memory!
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: You're in the nursing home, you're a cool, trendy 18-year-old
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: great great granddaughter comes in and goes grandma what's a
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: cool story from your childhood or your teenagehood or your
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: 20s and you have that story that's sick but that
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: was rude to do it on can you imagine you're
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: just a ghost and you look up and people banging
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: on your headstone Like, you've already been through enough. You've
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: gone and died. And now these are what these young
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: little kids are doing? Gosh! Um, you gotta do three
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: Hail Marys, okay? Because the urge has happened, but you
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: did it for the plot. And that's iconic. I grew
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: up super religious. And when I turned 19, I ended
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: up hooking up with a priest from my church. It
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: wasn't me. He was in his 30s, hot, and I
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: swear to God, he made the first move. It started
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: with counseling sessions, but eventually it escalated. We hooked up
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: in the rectory during Lent. I remember he still had
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: the ashes on his forehead. He whispered, this is our
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: little secret, while still wearing his collar. I left religion
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: after that, but to this day, I still can't sit
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: through mass without blushing. See, this is one of the
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: ones where I get like a little serious. Okay, because
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: this is somebody who has such a role in the
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: community and has such an image to hold up in
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: society and is one of those people that you trust
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: not to do this kind of stuff. And they're the
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: ones that give all the priests a bad name. I
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: would never did it. Yeah, well. I just hate when
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: people who are in power take advantage of younger people.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: You didn't do anything wrong, but he absolutely definitely did.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: Maybe did a little bit wrong going with it, but still.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: I worked at McDonald's, and one night when the ice
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: cream machine was broken, it was because I got drunk,
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: climbed on top of it, and pissed inside of it
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: on a dare. The next morning, the manager told me
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: it was clogged again and had somebody clean it out.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: I still laugh every time people complain about McDonald's ice
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: cream machines never working. That's gross and affects a lot
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: of people, you nasty man. I'm gonna say that you
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: need to do the whole damn Rose III and then
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: you're gonna buy a new ice cream machine for that
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: McDonald's on your own dime. I once got revenge on
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: a roommate by scrubbing the insides of the toilet with
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: their toothbrush and putting it back. Hey, if they're bad
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: and they deserve it, they'll never know. They'll never know.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: They'll never know. When I was 12, my mom threw
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: me a birthday party and invited my whole class. Nobody came,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: not one person. I sat at the table staring at
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: a full cake with balloons waiting for the doorbell. My
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: mom tried to make it better by singing alone, but
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: I blew out the candles crying. I've never had a
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: birthday party since. I'm so sorry! You did nothing wrong!
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Can I come to your birthday? Can I come? I'll come,
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: and I'll sing you happy birthday, and I'll dress any
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: way you want. Everybody in the comments wish this person
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: a happy birthday. Tell them they didn't deserve that, okay?
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: When I was a kid, my dad told me he
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: was going to the store for milk. He never came back.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: For years, I thought he was dead. When I turned 21,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: I found out he had a whole new family two
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: towns over. They have kids my age who look exactly
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: like me. Sometimes I scroll through their Facebook photos like
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: I'm haunting my own life. That's a dark confession. No sins,
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: but I loved it and it was dark and I
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: apologize for that. Guys, if you have a confession, make
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: sure that you hit that link down below. I love
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: doing these videos. Let me know. I'm hoping to get
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: a little sassier with it. I just want to see
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: how this one goes first. See if I'm pissing off
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: anybody pretending to be a father. Gonna be a mother
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: soon though. I don't know this i'm filming this on monday.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: It's coming out on saturday Will my baby be here
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: by then? I don't know but my plan is to
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: post a couple days after he's born So future selena
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: if he's here, I hope everything went. Okay, and you're
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: not still so scared. You're gonna die All right. I
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: love you until next time. Peace out boo crew