Latest / Very Fine Friends / Goldie Hawn of the Dead

Transcript

Goldie Hawn of the Dead · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  by the way we've been recording for two minutes oh great so this really could be the beginning
• 0:21
  of the pod. I don't know if it's good
• 0:23
  enough.
• 0:28
  Toyota.
• 0:32
  See ya.
• 0:39
  Yes.
• 0:40
  Gary Scrotum.
• 0:42
  Yeah.
• 0:43
  Is that multiple scrotums? Yes.
• 0:45
  Wow.
• 0:47
  It's Latin.
• 0:48
  Good for them.
• 0:49
  good for the romans oh well good for scrota yeah which did you mean find out on our bonus episode
• 1:02
  yeah i took a nap today and i had a dream nice um it was really kind of weird because
• 1:11
  um i was like i went to a room and like my dad and some cousins were there and they had and they
• 1:17
  They were talking about zero sugar diets.
• 1:20
  And someone had one of those diet juices.
• 1:23
  And I was like, oh, I love those.
• 1:25
  I love those.
• 1:26
  And they're like, oh, really?
• 1:27
  They're good?
• 1:27
  We haven't had it.
• 1:28
  I'm like, you want me to get you some cups?
• 1:29
  And they're like, yeah.
• 1:30
  I'm like, I'll get you some cups.
• 1:31
  You can try it.
• 1:32
  So I go in the kitchen.
• 1:33
  And I could not find these damn cups.
• 1:36
  I got like two.
• 1:38
  And then I'm looking for a third.
• 1:39
  But they're all mismatched.
• 1:41
  And I spent like 30 minutes of dream time looking for cups.
• 1:44
  And also my vision was like blurred.
• 1:46
  And I'm like, where are my cups?
• 1:47
  so finally I was like forget it I'm done
• 1:50
  I did what I could do and I go in there and I have these three
• 1:52
  like mismatched cups I'm like this is all
• 1:54
  I could find and they were like
• 1:56
  oh we don't want it anyway
• 1:57
  and I'm like I just spent
• 2:00
  however much time looking for these cups
• 2:02
  yeah you're having some
• 2:04
  yeah and then they all got to leave and then my dad
• 2:06
  made a joke I don't even
• 2:08
  remember the joke but I went for the jugular
• 2:10
  in response nice yeah like he said
• 2:12
  something about like oh like when I
• 2:14
  after I get married I'll be a good
• 2:16
  after I get married I'll be like a bad
• 2:18
  husband. And I said you'll be a bad husband
• 2:20
  before you get married.
• 2:23
  And I woke up laughing.
• 2:29
  What a frustrating
• 2:30
  dream.
• 2:32
  But you woke up laughing. That's good.
• 2:35
  You managed to salvage it.
• 2:36
  Well I zinged him.
• 2:39
  He's a bad husband right now.
• 2:41
  He's not even married.
• 2:42
  Yeah.
• 2:42
  yeah welcome to very fine friends we're friends talk about stuff including dreams that we have at
• 2:49
  nap time i do you ever i i love dreams so much yeah i love every night i'm excited to see what
• 3:00
  i'm gonna dream that i hate it when i have a dream that's like kind of boring or it's like
• 3:08
  clearly like what like one of those where it's just like you're spending this time like
• 3:12
  like frustrating time in your dream i that annoys me no end yeah it's supposed to be fun time yeah
• 3:20
  exactly what is my brain wasting my time for that's i did i text you about the taffy thing
• 3:27
  i don't think so i might have been on the fence about it because before that i had this like
• 3:33
  quick dream where i was i was near the pool with a friend like a lady friend and we were just like
• 3:38
  enjoying the pool together like laying back on those pool chairs yeah and this guy walks over
• 3:42
  naked whoa and we just were like playing it polite we didn't want to like say anything so he was like
• 3:47
  hey how you guys doing and we were like we're good thanks how about you guy it's like we're good
• 3:50
  thanks and then we thought he would leave but he was naked and he took his thing and he like touched
• 3:55
  my friend's forehead and i was like oh so i reached out quickly and just grabbed it and he tried
• 4:01
  running away but it just turned it like it just kept becoming like like longer and longer like
• 4:06
  taffy and other people at the pool were like watching but not doing anything and i finally
• 4:11
  i was like i'd let it go i'm like whatever and you call that the taffy dream
• 4:15
  that's funny that's a funny dream
• 4:26
  was it elastic like when you let go of it
• 4:29
  it's no it stayed long
• 4:31
  oh okay yeah all right
• 4:33
  so i did my favor really
• 4:35
  well did you i mean
• 4:37
  this is our point too it's
• 4:39
  no it wasn't a favor this is life ruining
• 4:41
  yeah it's gonna have to like
• 4:43
  fold it up it's a scarf now yeah
• 4:45
  yeah
• 4:45
  there's a fire don't worry
• 4:49
  i've got the house
• 4:50
  well i guess it's good to know
• 4:53
  um
• 4:54
  you'll come to the aid of your friends quickly too quickly yeah
• 5:00
  wow yeah so come to the pool with me okay that's that's your way to get us to come to the pool with
• 5:07
  you yeah promise no no penis on the forehead well i couldn't prevent that but i that's true
• 5:14
  yeah there will be vengeance yeah that's
• 5:16
  Yes.
• 5:18
  And it will be split.
• 5:19
  Yes.
• 5:20
  And Taffy-like.
• 5:22
  Quick interruption.
• 5:24
  Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
• 5:34
  Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
• 5:42
  If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
• 5:46
  And right before we die, we add up all the points.
• 5:52
  And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
• 5:57
  Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 6:01
  Jenna's secret word is blatantly.
• 6:04
  Jenna's decoy word is crocodiles.
• 6:07
  Francis's secret word is omelets.
• 6:10
  Francis's decoy word is orphaned.
• 6:13
  Back to the pod.
• 6:14
  speaking of swift and taffy like it's time for the invention of the week
• 6:20
  inventions
• 6:24
  great francis yeah do you have an invention for us yes i do great
• 6:32
  do you know how the world is gross i do know that do you know how people are the reason
• 6:42
  mostly i do know that you know there's buffets i do know that in weddings where you have to serve
• 6:50
  yourself and such ever since the pandemic i think about things a little differently
• 6:56
  like just some things that i do like and buffets is one of them because now that i've thought about
• 7:02
  it like they're pretty gross yet i will continue to go but i watch all these people touch these
• 7:08
  tongs and I'm like
• 7:09
  a hundred people just touched that tong
• 7:11
  now I'm going to touch it and then I'm going to eat
• 7:13
  no
• 7:15
  I have a solution
• 7:17
  it's very practical
• 7:18
  bring your own tongs
• 7:22
  I'm sorry that's not bad
• 7:25
  that is not bad but then you
• 7:29
  you would cross contaminate foods
• 7:31
  that's true good point
• 7:33
  that's great if you go to a buffet where they only serve one thing
• 7:35
  um here's my solution
• 7:38
  in the buffet
• 7:42
  tubs
• 7:44
  trays
• 7:45
  scholarship ladies
• 7:47
  um
• 7:48
  right now it's like they're all sitting in their flesh
• 7:52
  and the tongs are in the individual trays
• 7:54
  here's my solution
• 7:56
  you pick it up you scoop your food
• 8:00
  and then
• 8:01
  you set the hand
• 8:03
  the handle into a
• 8:05
  like a
• 8:07
  sheath if you will.
• 8:09
  The sheath is a UV sanitizer.
• 8:11
  I was just going to say it but it's UV.
• 8:13
  We're on the same page. Yeah and they go all the way around.
• 8:16
  So everyone has one and then you put it back in.
• 8:20
  I feel like I should
• 8:22
  waste your time by
• 8:23
  fleshing this out more but that's it. That's basically it.
• 8:27
  Okay.
• 8:28
  The only thing I don't know is this
• 8:29
  is UV technology expensive
• 8:32
  in any way?
• 8:33
  Yeah, it's just a bulb.
• 8:36
  Okay.
• 8:38
  Alright, so it's just the holder goes...
• 8:41
  Tong...
• 8:44
  Handles down into a UV thing.
• 8:49
  How long does it take for a UV light to actually have any impact on cleanliness?
• 8:57
  Yeah.
• 8:57
  Like, what if it's a really fast-moving and hop-in buffet?
• 9:03
  um answer with confidence act like you know two minutes oh so it's got to be two minutes between
• 9:14
  um what about a little thing at everybody's
• 9:25
  seat at the table
• 9:29
  that's just a
• 9:31
  UV light for you put your hands under
• 9:33
  it before you eat. Oh, but that
• 9:35
  will give you cancer.
• 9:38
  And what of the tongs?
• 9:39
  Do they not need to be
• 9:41
  cancer free?
• 9:43
  So there's a buffet near my grandma's
• 9:45
  house. Love you, Graham.
• 9:47
  They have little
• 9:49
  tissues
• 9:51
  when you get your plates.
• 9:53
  so you can take a tissue and use that and hold the tongue with the tissue.
• 9:57
  And I love that.
• 9:59
  I guess we could just do that.
• 10:02
  So you invented the place near your grandma's?
• 10:08
  Shoot.
• 10:09
  Yeah.
• 10:10
  Yeah, I like that.
• 10:13
  Yeah.
• 10:14
  How long have we been doing this segment?
• 10:17
  No, we're in it now.
• 10:19
  Okay, I was going to switch to a backup invention,
• 10:21
  but let's go back to the tongs.
• 10:23
  okay this here's a different idea with the tongs okay when you're done with the tongue
• 10:31
  you set it into a device that quickly wraps it in a new tissue and then it comes up and you grab it
• 10:40
  okay like um uh you remember those like or do you ever see anywhere those toilet seats
• 10:48
  that would have like plastic that wrapped around it and then when you'd flush it would like
• 10:52
  get new plastic no yeah so it's basically like a toy i yeah i've seen it like maybe twice
• 11:00
  but i don't remember exactly where but it's like basically it's like it's automatically putting a
• 11:06
  new toilet seat cover on top of the toilet seat i thought you might um so it's kind of like that
• 11:14
  so it's you put it in takes the old one off what's a new one on yeah well this impede the tonguing
• 11:21
  technology um i don't believe it will oh okay good well that's problem is solved
• 11:33
  uh no i don't i don't think it will also maybe we could just have a an invention where
• 11:41
  you it's like motion sensing like you go into the tray you want something and you like
• 11:46
  do that you put your hand in front of it and then it's it just picks up a scoop and
• 11:51
  serve as your plate.
• 11:53
  No one touches anything.
• 11:55
  Like a robotic arm?
• 11:56
  Yeah.
• 11:58
  You like that?
• 12:00
  I would like it if it gained sentience
• 12:03
  and then started throwing food around
• 12:05
  at people.
• 12:07
  That'd be fun.
• 12:09
  Creating a food fight.
• 12:11
  Yeah, business probably wouldn't like that though.
• 12:13
  But I would.
• 12:14
  Yeah, I'd like it.
• 12:16
  Why not just only go through a buffet line with
• 12:18
  gloves the disposable gloves
• 12:21
  the customer puts on
• 12:24
  yeah
• 12:25
  there's no germ to tongue
• 12:30
  contact
• 12:31
  yeah
• 12:34
  I like that too and you could leave it on while you
• 12:37
  no
• 12:37
  yes maybe you could
• 12:40
  leave it on while you eat then your hands don't get messy
• 12:43
  yeah
• 12:44
  that's your bag
• 12:46
  Well, if you were just using those gloves to use the tongs,
• 12:55
  then would the germs go from tongs to gloves,
• 12:57
  and then you wouldn't want to pick things up?
• 12:59
  But there wouldn't be any germs there to begin with,
• 13:00
  because everyone else is using gloves, Jenna.
• 13:03
  Safe buffet is effective buffet.
• 13:06
  Oh.
• 13:07
  Welcome to the inventor's room.
• 13:09
  Okay, things are going to get a little messy.
• 13:11
  What's our expression?
• 13:13
  Got to crack an egg to make an omelet.
• 13:16
  Make a few omelets, you gotta crack a few eggs.
• 13:18
  Is that it?
• 13:19
  Make a few omelets, you gotta crack a few eggs.
• 13:23
  Yeah, that's right.
• 13:24
  And we're at a buffet.
• 13:25
  Maybe it's a breakfast buffet.
• 13:27
  But let's be honest, we were all thinking Chinese.
• 13:31
  Yeah.
• 13:32
  Joe, I thought you were to hop in.
• 13:34
  I don't go to buffets.
• 13:37
  You know of them.
• 13:38
  I do know of them, but I'm anti-buffet.
• 13:41
  Okay.
• 13:44
  Okay.
• 13:45
  Interesting.
• 13:46
  Let's wrap it here.
• 13:48
  I had no idea.
• 13:51
  Well, okay.
• 13:52
  What about, since we're in the spitballing section of the inventors room.
• 13:59
  Love it.
• 14:00
  Now that I'm in here for the first time.
• 14:02
  Feeling things out.
• 14:03
  Welcome, by the way.
• 14:05
  Thank you for having me.
• 14:07
  I appreciate it.
• 14:07
  Here's your robe.
• 14:09
  Ooh.
• 14:09
  It's comfortable.
• 14:10
  It's lined in ermine.
• 14:13
  I can see why you spend so much time in here.
• 14:16
  Yes, put on your slippers.
• 14:17
  Oh, oh, it's, oh.
• 14:19
  We invented those ourselves, slippers.
• 14:23
  Oh, and you're handing me a nice thing of scotch.
• 14:26
  Yes, tape.
• 14:28
  Yes, to put things together with.
• 14:31
  Yeah.
• 14:31
  To cobble things together.
• 14:32
  You're welcome.
• 14:33
  Oh, and I'm going to take a hit of the drink scotch from this loose tube.
• 14:37
  Oh, where'd you get that loose tube?
• 14:38
  It was invented in this very room.
• 14:40
  um okay what about
• 14:44
  you only pick up the tongs with your mouth
• 14:49
  and that way your hands don't get dirty yes what if you bring someone what if there's an attendant
• 14:59
  you know like sometimes i have an attendant in the bathroom to watch you pee and give you candy
• 15:04
  what if they had an attendant at each
• 15:07
  they were like some
• 15:09
  Beijing beef for you sir
• 15:11
  and I just hand my plate out
• 15:13
  and they're the only ones that get dirty
• 15:15
  like a servant
• 15:17
  so like a catered
• 15:20
  event
• 15:20
  it's a waiter that
• 15:24
  stands at the
• 15:25
  and he doesn't get paid so that they don't have to worry about
• 15:28
  the overhead from having an extra employee
• 15:30
  it's a proprietary servant
• 15:31
  but do you remember I remember how you started this by saying like you know places where you have to go up and serve yourself Like she said we Hey no bad ideas in the spitballing zone
• 15:45
  Yeah.
• 15:46
  You got it.
• 15:46
  It's on the wall in the Avengers room.
• 15:51
  I forgot we put that up.
• 15:53
  Look at it.
• 15:56
  Now go stand in the corner, Joe.
• 15:57
  but we agree that i've solved or at least attempted to solve a problem that does exist
• 16:04
  uh yes and it sounds like that place near your grandma's has done the same thing
• 16:09
  i kind of like the idea of a uv sheath i mean in general i don't feel like
• 16:16
  we don't use uv lights as much as we should considering that they have that power like
• 16:24
  I feel like it should be in a lot more places.
• 16:27
  UV sheath attached to one of the legs of your chairs.
• 16:33
  So if you're going to like a multiple course meal,
• 16:37
  you can put your silverware in the UV sheath in between courses.
• 16:41
  That'll be enough time for it to clean silverware.
• 16:44
  And then you can use the same silverware for all of the courses,
• 16:49
  massively cutting down on silverware cleaning time for restaurants.
• 16:53
  I like that idea, but I will say the last buffet I went to, we had to keep our silverware.
• 17:01
  So I think they're already forcing that.
• 17:03
  I think you keep the silverware, you need new plates.
• 17:04
  New plates, yeah.
• 17:06
  Which also makes it, washes away the shame of what you've just done.
• 17:10
  Especially if they take the plates away quickly.
• 17:11
  Why do we need new plates?
• 17:15
  Like, why did they make you do that?
• 17:16
  Because you're getting new foods.
• 17:17
  You don't want to put new food slop on old food remains.
• 17:21
  I don't really care.
• 17:22
  I mean
• 17:23
  I'm
• 17:24
  I'm generally not like
• 17:27
  like oh I've got
• 17:29
  a bunch of spaghetti sauce
• 17:32
  here let me put some meat on top of it
• 17:34
  some people
• 17:35
  or I meant soup
• 17:37
  I don't think they're stopping you
• 17:38
  they're not stopping you from using your own plate
• 17:40
  no one's going to come up and whip it out of your hand
• 17:43
  um
• 17:44
  well thank you
• 17:47
  I guess that's good
• 17:48
  um
• 17:50
  what about a personal uv sheath that you just carry around with you all the time
• 17:56
  to like sanitize anything you want to sanitize like a little like fanny pack uv thing
• 18:03
  i love that i absolutely love that i love it i love it okay great oh yeah i think that's a
• 18:10
  fantastic idea thank you you should put it right there right where a fanny pack would go yeah and
• 18:16
  there'll be no cancerous complications.
• 18:18
  No, because the light's containing and it doesn't turn on
• 18:20
  until it's fully closed.
• 18:22
  So it's like you can't get hurt.
• 18:24
  This is absolutely brilliant. I love what you've
• 18:27
  done. You have orphaned
• 18:28
  my idea. Thank you. That was beautiful.
• 18:33
  You're welcome.
• 18:34
  No, I think it's great. Because so many things are
• 18:36
  dirty, filthy, gross.
• 18:39
  And you
• 18:40
  just fixed it.
• 18:42
  dirty filthy gross
• 18:47
  why did you say that like it's the sister film to crazy sexy beautiful
• 18:54
  i don't know because it is because the world is gross and
• 18:57
  yeah i think and i think you and i've talked about this like we trust
• 19:01
  we trust a lot of um like you know everywhere has to
• 19:05
  sanitize their silverware and we just trust that it's being done yeah
• 19:09
  We will never know if we get dirty silverware.
• 19:12
  This would be a great thing to have on your fanny.
• 19:15
  Yep.
• 19:18
  Okay, cool.
• 19:19
  I mean, they can come in very sizing sizes too.
• 19:22
  You could wear it if you wanted to.
• 19:24
  There could be a little light compact purse one for smaller things you want to sanitize.
• 19:27
  Like a little sunglasses case.
• 19:29
  Yeah.
• 19:31
  Yeah.
• 19:36
  All right.
• 19:36
  what are we calling this?
• 19:40
  I was thinking
• 19:41
  all UV can eat.
• 19:47
  All UV can eat.
• 19:51
  That's good for the buffet
• 19:53
  for sure.
• 19:53
  Yeah.
• 19:56
  Clean fanny.
• 20:01
  Clean fanny?
• 20:03
  Life bidet.
• 20:06
  um
• 20:11
  bidet implies water right
• 20:13
  I mean I
• 20:14
  it does imply water
• 20:16
  yeah so
• 20:17
  maybe not that
• 20:18
  pocket full of sunshine
• 20:19
  I got a pocket
• 20:21
  got a pocket full of sunshine
• 20:22
  uh
• 20:23
  okay
• 20:28
  and
• 20:30
  Natasha Bedingfield
• 20:32
  will not sue
• 20:32
  no
• 20:33
  is that a real song
• 20:35
  yes
• 20:36
  are you serious
• 20:39
  I only know it from Easy A
• 20:40
  I thought it was maybe made up for
• 20:43
  that
• 20:43
  yeah
• 20:46
  it's not a good song
• 20:48
  I don't like it
• 20:50
  I'm sorry Natasha she knows
• 20:53
  I like a lot of her
• 20:55
  other music better
• 20:56
  um
• 20:59
  like what
• 20:59
  what's hold on
• 21:03
  um
• 21:03
  feeling on your skin
• 21:07
  that one
• 21:07
  Joe baited you into that
• 21:11
  why? is that a word?
• 21:12
  Joe sings that song all the time
• 21:15
  it's a great song
• 21:17
  and also the other one Unwritten
• 21:18
  that's the same song?
• 21:21
  what's the other one?
• 21:23
  there was two that were really popular at the same time
• 21:25
  I think it's those two
• 21:26
  Pockable of Sunshine and Unwritten
• 21:27
  no no no
• 21:28
  it's before that
• 21:31
  Unwritten and
• 21:33
  also her though or just another song in that same no it's it's her and then there was a song
• 21:41
  called wild horses that was really good i actually bought her cd oh these words these words yeah
• 21:48
  same time how does that one go uh read some byron shelly and keats yeah that's not ringing any
• 21:56
  bells. Oh, okay. I can hear
• 21:58
  like the melody of it.
• 22:01
  You'll know. We'll listen
• 22:02
  to it later in the car with the window down while we're
• 22:04
  drinking a latte. And feeling the
• 22:06
  rain on our skin.
• 22:09
  I want someone else to feel
• 22:10
  it for me. No, no
• 22:12
  one else can. You can let it in, Jenna.
• 22:15
  Why am I letting rain
• 22:17
  in?
• 22:19
  You need the moisture, girl.
• 22:21
  Aw, rude.
• 22:23
  Segway, we're not being sponsored
• 22:24
  by a moisturizing company.
• 22:26
  We're now being sponsored by Rain.
• 22:31
  Rain, get some.
• 22:36
  Classic.
• 22:39
  All right, well, I'm glad that we don't have to address the fact that you blatantly ripped off some buffet place near your grandmother's.
• 22:48
  They don't own the-
• 22:49
  I'm glad that we pivoted enough that they don't own- that this is now a wholly new idea.
• 22:55
  So.
• 22:55
  They don't own disposable
• 22:57
  germ tissues.
• 23:00
  They buy them from a company
• 23:01
  as we could be doing.
• 23:04
  No, they own it.
• 23:07
  We've done the legal check.
• 23:09
  Is it a Chinese buffet?
• 23:11
  Yeah.
• 23:11
  I haven't been to one of those in a long time
• 23:14
  since I was a kid.
• 23:16
  There used to be a great one
• 23:17
  that I would go to with my brothers.
• 23:19
  It was awesome and then they closed.
• 23:22
  It was awesome.
• 23:23
  awesome yeah they you find a good one it's yeah it's great we'll go sometime i'd love that okay
• 23:31
  all right uh well now that we've made plans on pod which is great for listeners yeah um i think
• 23:38
  uh we did a good job i enjoyed being in this room in this inventor's room yeah well you can take the
• 23:44
  robe it's complimentary thank you slippers i have to return yes okay uh all right well it's time to
• 23:51
  exit the inventor's room and exit the invention of the week well now that we've done excellent work
• 23:59
  um it's time for our next segment stalking oprah
• 24:06
  behind every great celebrity is an even greater stalker
• 24:12
  francis would you like to explain this segment no i forgot oh i think in this segment
• 24:21
  Joe is going to give us a celebrity
• 24:22
  and then we
• 24:25
  are going to
• 24:27
  describe
• 24:29
  the various ways
• 24:30
  we will stalk this celebrity.
• 24:34
  For real.
• 24:35
  In real life. Not just for this
• 24:37
  segment. Yeah, for real.
• 24:38
  Hire your bodyguards to work overtime.
• 24:42
  You're going to be
• 24:43
  in pieces soon.
• 24:45
  I didn't say murdering Oprah.
• 24:47
  Oh, we said stalking. Stalking, yeah.
• 24:48
  Pieces. You'll be in one piece.
• 24:51
  Because we're so funny and you'll just be laughing so much.
• 24:54
  That kind of pieces.
• 24:56
  Joe, who are we stalking?
• 25:01
  You guys are going to describe to me how you would stalk the iconic Goldie Hawn.
• 25:11
  Oh.
• 25:13
  We got to be subtle about this.
• 25:15
  We don't want to go overboard.
• 25:18
  Nice.
• 25:19
  Well, um
• 25:21
  I think the first thing that I want to do
• 25:25
  is get in with
• 25:27
  Kate Hudson
• 25:28
  Oh, I was going to say the exact same thing
• 25:30
  Yeah, because
• 25:31
  you want to savor your meal
• 25:34
  as a stalker
• 25:35
  Oh, yeah, yeah
• 25:36
  You don't just show up and start stalking
• 25:40
  No, you build a
• 25:41
  You know how I got into Goldie Hawn's house?
• 25:43
  I was invited
• 25:44
  By Kate Hudson
• 25:45
  So first I'm going to work on that relationship
• 25:47
  okay while you're doing that i'm gonna work on kurt russell i'll get to know kurt russell
• 25:53
  yeah yeah yeah i like you two together um well he loves his wife yeah so are they still married
• 26:04
  oh yeah i don't know if they were technically married they're like together they've been
• 26:08
  together for forever but yeah they're i hope they're still together yeah they are okay good
• 26:12
  because they're one of those couples that's like i like that they're out there and that they have
• 26:16
  been together for so long exactly it's like um uh uh ted danson and mary steenburgen yes yeah
• 26:24
  yeah same i i hope that nothing happens to their relationship um back to our crime okay
• 26:33
  so first i uh i'd go up to kurt and i'd be like wait are you the guy from that movie in the 90s
• 26:42
  Breakdown? And he'd be like, whoa, no one ever remembers me for that movie. Breakdown. It was a
• 26:50
  niche action film, didn't get seen by a lot of people. And then I'd be like, I'm just kidding,
• 26:55
  I know who you are. But yes, I love Breakdown, right? And then we'd bond that way, because I'm
• 27:00
  pretty sure I'd be the first person to ever say, I recognize you from this. Then he'd be like,
• 27:07
  hey speaking of breakdown uh i just got a flat tire like oh weird how that happened
• 27:15
  it's like well if you need me to give you a ride somewhere i'm i'm happy to do that um
• 27:22
  and he wouldn't know it was me that let the air out of his tires uh oh well it's you it's
• 27:28
  stocking is dirty business sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do but you have
• 27:31
  to do may i also suggest that you pit pocket his phone because he his instinct is probably going to
• 27:37
  be to just get help from people he knows or call an uber or something or triple a yeah so let's
• 27:43
  remove that i think he would want a stranger well i mean we've we've built we've been talking for a
• 27:50
  few minutes we've built up a bit of a rapport he's clearly like we're it's one of those situations
• 27:54
  where he's just like instantly comfortable around me yeah uh if anything don't pickpocket his phone
• 28:00
  because for three minutes gab him with this girl he's gonna be like oh my god let's take a selfie
• 28:05
  yeah that's true um but what i can do is um i uh i have with me um a cell blocking technology
• 28:17
  that only projects within like six foot radius right and so he's gonna try his phone and like
• 28:25
  other people around will have their phones and they're working and he'll be like there must be
• 28:28
  something wrong with my phone not like the cell tower is out right because you know if everybody's
• 28:33
  phones are out then it's going to be like causing a stir of some kind we don't we don't want no we
• 28:37
  don't want to draw attention yeah that's key in stalking um and so then it would be like just his
• 28:45
  phone and then i would have a phone that um i would have like a flip phone that's immune to that
• 28:51
  and and he'd also think it was pretty cool that i had a flip phone and he'd be like hey i like that
• 28:56
  old school and i was like yeah i like to be present i like to be in the moment phones kind
• 28:59
  of take us out of things i'm not married to this phone but i've been with it for a long long time
• 29:02
  Yep.
• 29:06
  This phone's kids call me dad.
• 29:13
  Yeah.
• 29:14
  And so then I'd take him to like discount tire or something.
• 29:21
  And then I'd be like, I'll wait with you, man.
• 29:24
  Like I got, you know, I got time.
• 29:26
  I had an appointment that actually just got canceled right before I ran into you.
• 29:30
  um and then he would be like great and then we'd hang out for a little bit um and then i would
• 29:39
  i would manufacture some way where it'd be like um
• 29:47
  like oh yeah like it's getting close to dinner time um and i'm real hungry yeah oh i'm super uh
• 30:00
  And then I'd be like, oh, shoot.
• 30:03
  I just remembered.
• 30:04
  I went grocery shopping earlier today.
• 30:07
  But as I was leaving, a homeless person came up to me and asked me for money.
• 30:12
  And I didn't have any cash.
• 30:13
  So I just gave him all my groceries.
• 30:15
  So I was like, oh.
• 30:16
  Luckily, they had a shopping cart.
• 30:17
  So it wasn't a burden on them.
• 30:19
  Yes.
• 30:22
  So, well, it wasn't a lot.
• 30:23
  But it was going to be my dinner for the night.
• 30:25
  Because I like to kind of eat fresh.
• 30:28
  So I never buy a ton of groceries, right?
• 30:29
  Yeah.
• 30:30
  And Kurt will love that too.
• 30:32
  Because Kurt's still, he's, I mean, he's still in great shape.
• 30:36
  You should tell him that.
• 30:37
  Well, I'll tell him that, but like in a non-creepy way.
• 30:40
  Yeah.
• 30:40
  Like, and I'll ask him a bit like, oh, what do you do?
• 30:43
  Like, I'm working like, like I'm trying to work on, you know, like building my triceps,
• 30:48
  but without like getting it like too.
• 30:50
  And then he'd give me like his routine and I'd be like, okay, cool, cool.
• 30:53
  And they'd be like, okay, well, hey, good.
• 30:56
  I'm glad I could help you with your tires, man.
• 30:58
  Like hit me up anytime.
• 31:00
  you're gonna be like, you know, I've been seeing this girl
• 31:03
  and she wants to get married to me,
• 31:05
  but I really just wanna be with her.
• 31:07
  You know, do you have any tips on how you do that?
• 31:09
  Yeah And yeah Thanks Joe It okay
• 31:20
  You're welcome.
• 31:25
  And then, so then he'd be like, hey, you know, my, my de facto wife, um, she just made a big stew.
• 31:37
  real protein heavy uh good for the triceps good for the triceps and i'd be like oh that sounds
• 31:56
  amazing like yeah if you want to come over like that uh yeah we got plenty to go around i'd be
• 32:01
  like that at kurt like what a what a guy like seriously what a guy um and then i go we go over
• 32:10
  to kurt goldie's house goldie uh she will be ladling out stew as we walk in
• 32:18
  and there's only two bowls out and then kurt's like or there's three bowls out and he's like oh
• 32:26
  who's the third one for and it's like oh your de facto daughter kate is coming um and he's like
• 32:33
  hey you got a fourth bowl and then and then i'd be like hi hi nice to meet you i'm jenna um and
• 32:39
  then kurt would be like i oh i've been hanging with jenna all day she did me a solid and um
• 32:44
  she's really generous too she gives her groceries away to people so she didn't have any food for
• 32:47
  night and I was like hey Goldie's making
• 32:49
  stew
• 32:50
  but
• 32:53
  then you
• 32:55
  two see each other
• 32:56
  because when her de facto daughter Kate
• 32:59
  shows up well we'll get
• 33:01
  there we'll get there because Francis has got
• 33:03
  to go through his odyssey with Kate
• 33:05
  so we'll see
• 33:07
  so then I'll
• 33:09
  I'll excuse
• 33:11
  myself
• 33:12
  thank Goldie so much
• 33:15
  shake her hand
• 33:17
  then never wash that hand again um and i'll just ask where's the bathroom and then it'll be oh like
• 33:24
  down the hall to the left right uh so then i go but i go down the hall to the right find their
• 33:31
  bedroom and then i touch all of goldie's clothes do you put any on there's no time i mean i do as
• 33:41
  much as i can as quickly as i can but i i don't want to disturb anything i don't want to um and
• 33:46
  then i i pluck out one of my hairs and i put it into her hairbrush i can i recommend that i'll
• 33:52
  save it for my thing okay okay um and uh i take note of what kind of perfume she uses so that i
• 34:00
  can buy it for myself and then always smell like goldie um and uh yeah but then i'm now fast friends
• 34:09
  with the Russell Hahn household.
• 34:14
  And so I'm over there all the time.
• 34:17
  And then every time I come over,
• 34:19
  I leave one hair of mine behind.
• 34:24
  On the same brush?
• 34:25
  Yeah.
• 34:27
  Well, no, eventually that'll get boring
• 34:28
  and I'll branch out
• 34:29
  and I'll start leaving hairs in different places.
• 34:32
  Maybe you'll bake some into cookies
• 34:33
  that you watch that eat.
• 34:36
  No, because you can,
• 34:37
  when you eat it hair,
• 34:37
  you can like really tell oh you can chop it up whatever this is your fantasy well no but i don't
• 34:42
  want them i don't want them to see flaws in me and so if they are eating a cookie and then it's like
• 34:47
  oh a hair and then like then they'll never trust anything that i bring them again because it'll be
• 34:54
  you want to keep the stocking going yeah exactly and i want to keep this this feeling of like
• 35:01
  yeah like you know just basically perfect what could be wrong i i am so glad that she's entered
• 35:09
  our lives yeah it's beautiful thank you it is it all starts with the the same concept as saltburn
• 35:19
  do you watch that movie no i just know that there's he like slashes or like deflights the
• 35:26
  guys like bicycle tires and like offers him his bike and then become friends oh i did not know that
• 35:32
  well yours is different yours was cars okay uh all i know about that movie is
• 35:36
  there's some taffy in it if you know what i mean and it ain't laughy yeah yeah uh okay so that's um
• 35:45
  that's how i'd get started great job thanks while you were doing that
• 35:50
  i sauntered into a nightclub where kate hudson was performing because now she's a singer i
• 35:56
  I don't know if you know this.
• 35:57
  Oh, I didn't know that.
• 35:58
  She released an album or something.
• 36:00
  And she's good.
• 36:02
  So I go in and she's just starting her song.
• 36:08
  So I sit down and I order a drink at the bar.
• 36:10
  And she starts singing.
• 36:12
  And then everyone's quiet because she's singing a slow song.
• 36:16
  And the minute she starts, she hears this from the bar.
• 36:19
  Wow.
• 36:23
  Who is that?
• 36:26
  And then I start crying from the beauty of it.
• 36:29
  And then I let her finish her song.
• 36:31
  And when she's done, she comes over to the bar.
• 36:34
  She's like, hey, you seem really moved from 100 feet away.
• 36:39
  And I wasn't at all annoyed by the very loud, wow.
• 36:43
  She's just getting started in her singing career.
• 36:45
  So she likes that, you know, it's like a standing ovation.
• 36:49
  Like, wouldn't if you were a singer and like everyone in the crowd went, whoa, wouldn't that do something for you?
• 36:56
  If everyone weird me out,
• 36:59
  or if there was just one guy that I would assume was drunk at the bar,
• 37:03
  um,
• 37:05
  I should,
• 37:05
  she'd be charmed by it.
• 37:07
  Yeah.
• 37:07
  Well,
• 37:07
  my whole,
• 37:08
  my whole plan hinges on the fact that she is charmed.
• 37:12
  She has to be charged.
• 37:13
  If not,
• 37:14
  I'll have to come up with a backup idea and a new face.
• 37:17
  Anyway,
• 37:17
  she comes over and,
• 37:18
  uh,
• 37:18
  I'm like,
• 37:19
  well,
• 37:19
  I'm sorry.
• 37:19
  I didn't mean to interrupt yourself,
• 37:20
  but I was like blown away.
• 37:22
  Um,
• 37:24
  I think it's so amazing that your voice is so great.
• 37:26
  and you're Kate Hudson.
• 37:29
  I'm sorry.
• 37:30
  I was just blown away.
• 37:32
  And then she was like,
• 37:33
  oh, thanks.
• 37:33
  I really appreciate it.
• 37:34
  And I'm like,
• 37:35
  hey, can you buy me a drink?
• 37:38
  And then she's like,
• 37:40
  can I buy you a drink?
• 37:41
  I'm like,
• 37:41
  well, I wanted to buy you one,
• 37:43
  but I thought you would say no.
• 37:44
  So I thought I'd flip the script
• 37:45
  and see if you'd buy me one.
• 37:47
  Oh, nice.
• 37:48
  And she's like,
• 37:49
  you're interesting.
• 37:50
  Can I pull up a chair?
• 37:51
  And I'm like,
• 37:52
  Kate, get up here.
• 37:54
  There's a purse hook, even.
• 37:56
  so she
• 37:57
  she's done
• 38:01
  she's done
• 38:02
  this is a pop-up event
• 38:03
  and so she comes
• 38:05
  she sits down
• 38:06
  she hangs her purse
• 38:07
  on the hook
• 38:07
  we start talking
• 38:10
  you know
• 38:11
  I'm like
• 38:11
  it's so amazing
• 38:12
  like you're
• 38:12
  you're one of my
• 38:13
  lunch lady celebrities
• 38:14
  I bring that up
• 38:15
  she's flattered
• 38:16
  I'm gonna say
• 38:17
  wait
• 38:18
  lunch lady celebrities
• 38:19
  ladies celebrities
• 38:21
  we would have lunch with
• 38:22
  oh I was thinking
• 38:23
  like lunch ladies
• 38:24
  like the people
• 38:25
  at your buffet
• 38:26
  that serve you food.
• 38:29
  No.
• 38:29
  Okay.
• 38:30
  Anyway,
• 38:31
  so I'm like,
• 38:32
  I hate to bring her up
• 38:34
  because this is so lovely,
• 38:36
  but I can't look at Kate Hudson
• 38:38
  and not say how much I love Goldie Hawn.
• 38:41
  Like, you're so lucky that you're not.
• 38:42
  So cool, so cool.
• 38:44
  She's like, oh, thanks.
• 38:44
  I'm like, you know what?
• 38:45
  Actually, I bought a gold Honda
• 38:46
  and I named it Goldie Honda.
• 38:49
  And she laughs.
• 38:50
  And I'm like, I'm serious.
• 38:51
  And I show her a picture on my phone
• 38:52
  of a gold Honda.
• 38:55
  And I'm like, so this is like kismet.
• 38:57
  You know?
• 38:58
  I'm like, shoot me in the face and bury me for dinner because I could die happy.
• 39:04
  And she's like, oh, stop.
• 39:05
  I'm like, yeah, this is my first Christmas in California alone.
• 39:13
  And she's like, oh?
• 39:15
  And I'm like, yeah, everyone I know died.
• 39:18
  everyone i know was in goldie honda and i accidentally drove it off a cliff
• 39:29
  everyone i know is gone um and i'm trying to make i'm trying to make more friends so
• 39:35
  i think california was the place for me because there's so many people
• 39:39
  and she's like oh i'm so sorry to hear them hey let's not dwell on it it's okay
• 39:44
  I've moved on
• 39:46
  I accept that everyone you know is dead
• 39:49
  yeah I was like
• 39:51
  but
• 39:52
  the movie
• 39:55
  they were all watching when they died
• 39:57
  was
• 40:00
  a little known
• 40:01
  film called Wildcats
• 40:03
  I don't know if you've heard of it
• 40:04
  she was like
• 40:07
  my mom's in that
• 40:08
  and I'm like
• 40:08
  I know I didn't want to say anything
• 40:10
  and I really wanted to watch it
• 40:13
  I just can't watch it alone.
• 40:17
  Anyway, this isn't your problem.
• 40:19
  Thanks for the drink.
• 40:21
  And then I get up to leave.
• 40:22
  I start walking.
• 40:24
  And I look back.
• 40:27
  And she's not looking at me, which is annoying.
• 40:30
  And so I drop a pen.
• 40:32
  And then she looks.
• 40:33
  And I wave.
• 40:35
  And she goes, this is crazy.
• 40:36
  Stop.
• 40:37
  Get back over here.
• 40:39
  She takes her purse up from the hook.
• 40:40
  And she writes down an address.
• 40:42
  And she's like, are you free for dinner?
• 40:43
  She's holding the curtain for me.
• 40:44
  I'm like, I couldn't.
• 40:47
  Kate, I couldn't.
• 40:48
  And she's like, stop it.
• 40:50
  You made me feel great about my song.
• 40:53
  Come to dinner.
• 40:55
  My mom's making stew.
• 40:58
  And so I'm like, wow.
• 41:02
  And she laughs.
• 41:03
  And I'm like, I'll be there.
• 41:05
  And so that's how I got my invitation.
• 41:08
  So I roll up in Goldie Honda, which Goldie's going to love.
• 41:12
  and um you know i get through security because i have they know kate's handwriting
• 41:18
  and also she probably texted um you think they have security on site
• 41:23
  i'm just planning for the worst that's a good idea yeah that's that's why you're a good stalker
• 41:31
  thank you but also your entire plan hinges on her being charred when you go wow
• 41:38
  yeah it'll it'll happen so anyway um and also i bring flowers for the guards
• 41:43
  because um people probably don't think of you guys i love that you're keeping my friends safe
• 41:49
  and i hand them this giant thing of flowers and that cost way too much money but it was worth it
• 41:56
  um and they're all i can hear them talking about me as i walk up the steps how sweet
• 42:00
  that was so sweet and um i go to the house i'm charming i see goldie she is ladling out stew
• 42:09
  good call um i'm like you might want to set her to an extra bowl and um she's like oh you who are
• 42:18
  you but kate comes up she's like that's okay mom i met him he's hilarious and i'm like oh my god
• 42:24
  kate i didn't know you would be here we laugh about that anyway so we have stew you're there
• 42:29
  hey girl
• 42:30
  I'm like
• 42:32
  she's a restroom
• 42:33
  where is it?
• 42:35
  and they were like
• 42:36
  down the hall
• 42:37
  down to the left
• 42:38
  and I was like
• 42:39
  oh great
• 42:39
  I go to the right
• 42:41
  yeah
• 42:41
  oh yeah
• 42:42
  I go back in the bedroom
• 42:44
  I mean back into the bedroom
• 42:45
  and I pull out
• 42:47
  Jenna's hairs
• 42:47
  from
• 42:48
  the comb
• 42:49
  oh
• 42:51
  and I put mine own
• 42:52
  in
• 42:53
  mine own hairs
• 42:54
  but then
• 42:56
  you know
• 42:56
  I'm just razzing you
• 42:57
  so I put both of our hairs
• 42:58
  oh okay
• 42:58
  I like it you get to talk to.
• 43:00
  Thanks.
• 43:01
  I'm going to get in their bed and lay down on each side.
• 43:05
  And I'm going to guess which side is whose.
• 43:07
  And I'm going to rumple up in the.
• 43:09
  They got a sleep number bed too.
• 43:10
  And they're set to completely different settings.
• 43:12
  I'm not going to mess it up.
• 43:13
  No, no.
• 43:13
  But it'll be exciting.
• 43:15
  You can be like, who's who?
• 43:17
  Who's the firm?
• 43:18
  Who's the soft?
• 43:18
  And I like Russell all the.
• 43:21
  Russell.
• 43:21
  Kurt Russell.
• 43:22
  All the sheets.
• 43:23
  And I'm like.
• 43:26
  And then I get out of bed and make it.
• 43:28
  Okay.
• 43:28
  And then I go in the closet and I run my fingers through.
• 43:32
  I run through the closet touching all the clothes.
• 43:35
  And then I leave.
• 43:38
  And then I go into the bathroom and flush the toilet.
• 43:42
  I think about these things.
• 43:43
  I wash my hands.
• 43:44
  I smell their soap.
• 43:45
  You tried some of her perfume.
• 43:47
  I drank a little.
• 43:48
  Oh, okay.
• 43:49
  Yeah.
• 43:49
  It's going to make the stew taste weird, but worth it.
• 43:51
  It doesn't matter.
• 43:52
  Yeah.
• 43:53
  Goldie Hawn's house and Kurt Russell's.
• 43:55
  and anyway after dinner i asked if before the movie if we can all jump in the pool for a minute
• 44:00
  and go swimming it's golden hour everyone golden hour everyone's swimming everyone's like these two
• 44:07
  people are great and then we watch wildcats and slowly i put my arms around both of them
• 44:15
  and then i catch kate hudson's eye across the room and we both wink at each other
• 44:20
  um
• 44:24
  yeah
• 44:25
  I like that these people are having
• 44:28
  stew dinner at golden hour
• 44:30
  that also implies
• 44:32
  that Kate Hudson was doing a
• 44:34
  daytime singing set
• 44:36
  she was doing a madman
• 44:37
  yeah she was
• 44:39
  she's a productive lady
• 44:43
  she's not opposed to starting from the bottom
• 44:45
  yeah and she likes the daytime
• 44:47
  also it was stew night she couldn't book a night time
• 44:49
  I know
• 44:50
  it's stew night they don't miss stew night in the russell hahn household
• 44:56
  um and no violence came to them no and then eventually this is gonna be crazy like eventually
• 45:05
  i'm gonna get to be such good friends with goldie that she's actually going to invite me
• 45:13
  into her closet and i'm gonna have to like she'll be like oh do you want to see my closet i have this
• 45:18
  great closet and be like oh what a fun thing that i've never seen before sure i'd love to do that
• 45:23
  and i'll have to act like i haven't been in there right yeah and like i'll be looking at all of our
• 45:30
  stuff and pretending like i haven't touched it all and like i'll be making jokes like oh like
• 45:35
  oh a crocodile skin bag is it made from real crocodiles and she'll go huh no no it's fake
• 45:42
  it's not real because she's a she's a animal lover and uh but i uh it'll be like like extra
• 45:48
  thrilling it's like that next level of like stalking thrilling is like being in a place
• 45:53
  with the person and they don't know and they don't know you've been there before
• 45:59
  you they don't know that like you know that closet like the back of your hand
• 46:03
  but she's showing you like you've seen you're seeing it for the first time
• 46:06
  would be great.
• 46:09
  It would be really cool
• 46:09
  if you could train mosquitoes
• 46:11
  to go into their room
• 46:13
  and
• 46:13
  suck their blood out
• 46:15
  slowly over time
• 46:16
  and then the mosquitoes
• 46:17
  come back
• 46:17
  and you get the blood
• 46:18
  and then you put it in you
• 46:20
  slowly over time
• 46:21
  until eventually
• 46:21
  you were so full of their blood
• 46:23
  that you could do
• 46:23
  a paternity test
• 46:24
  and you could be like
• 46:26
  you're not going to believe this.
• 46:36
  Like carrier pigeons or something, you're training them.
• 46:39
  Yeah.
• 46:40
  Hmm.
• 46:44
  Wow.
• 46:45
  Wow.
• 46:46
  Wow.
• 46:47
  Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow I think But the good thing about the way we stalk is that it good They getting friends out of it Yeah
• 46:58
  They're none the wiser.
• 46:59
  It's fine.
• 46:59
  You just want to be around you and your children.
• 47:01
  Yeah.
• 47:02
  Well, I think we've done it.
• 47:07
  Great celebrity, Joe.
• 47:08
  Yeah.
• 47:09
  Yay.
• 47:11
  That wraps up Stalking Oprah.
• 47:15
  And you get a stalker.
• 47:17
  and you get a stalker and you get a stalker.
• 47:22
  I like how it's called Stalking Oprah
• 47:23
  and it's not about Oprah.
• 47:25
  Well, Oprah is, she's just a great catch-all.
• 47:27
  Like someone that's clearly famous.
• 47:30
  You're right, Francis?
• 47:31
  Yeah, I'm okay.
• 47:32
  I'm okay.
• 47:36
  Yeah, someone that's just like,
• 47:39
  it's just like, oh, well, I know what this means.
• 47:41
  It's celebrity.
• 47:42
  Yeah, you're right.
• 47:43
  Sorry, I overthought it.
• 47:44
  Oprah if you're listening and we know you are
• 47:47
  we're not gonna stalk you
• 47:49
  that's just for Goldie
• 47:51
  yeah you're too big of a target
• 47:53
  yeah she definitely has
• 47:55
  security all the time
• 47:57
  yeah and she travels too much
• 47:58
  I don't have travel money
• 48:00
  you gotta stay local
• 48:01
  I need to know where to find you
• 48:03
  we're hobbyists
• 48:05
  this isn't a full time thing for us
• 48:08
  this isn't the bodyguard
• 48:09
  alright well
• 48:11
  it's time for one final segment
• 48:13
  the big question.
• 48:17
  The question is very big.
• 48:20
  Big question.
• 48:22
  Do you have one?
• 48:23
  I don't.
• 48:23
  I really should have checked with you first
• 48:26
  if you had one.
• 48:27
  Do you have one?
• 48:28
  Let me just spitball here.
• 48:30
  It better not be your word
• 48:31
  because you said it earlier.
• 48:33
  What?
• 48:33
  I'm not saying that again.
• 48:36
  Anyway, so let's see.
• 48:38
  What if the question was
• 48:41
  you are
• 48:49
  have you ever seen Bowfinger?
• 48:52
  Yes
• 48:53
  once a long time ago.
• 48:55
  He was
• 48:56
  he was like lying about
• 48:59
  getting a movie made so he like hobbled
• 49:01
  together using lies.
• 49:05
  Yeah.
• 49:05
  If you were going
• 49:07
  to
• 49:08
  get in with
• 49:10
  since we're on the topic of celebrities let's say name me a celebrity that you know and like
• 49:15
  keanu reeves oh great choice thanks so you gotta like you gotta get a movie made with keanu reeves
• 49:22
  yeah um but you're not a well-known director yeah what do you do to make to like up the chances that
• 49:30
  he's gonna like accept your project or sign on to your project you know how do you get into the mind
• 49:34
  of Keanu.
• 49:37
  Well,
• 49:39
  first I'd slash
• 49:40
  Kurt Russell's tires.
• 49:45
  Um,
• 49:46
  but without,
• 49:48
  I mean,
• 49:49
  I'm still allowed
• 49:49
  to like direct
• 49:50
  things and.
• 49:52
  Yeah,
• 49:53
  you're the,
• 49:53
  you're the puppeteer.
• 49:54
  You just need to get him involved.
• 49:57
  But he doesn't know you.
• 50:00
  Um,
• 50:01
  I start
• 50:06
  directing like
• 50:10
  really like targeted
• 50:12
  niche
• 50:14
  like little vignettes
• 50:16
  that just happen to be like
• 50:18
  all the things that he really likes
• 50:21
  like um
• 50:21
  like zen wisdom things
• 50:25
  surfing
• 50:27
  uh
• 50:29
  like the matrix yeah um dogs really niche things like dogs uh uh no but i i basically take his
• 50:42
  interest and i start actually uh because i am a good director like it's i'm still a good director
• 50:48
  yeah you're talented yeah you all know it um thank you um and i
• 50:54
  start
• 50:57
  I start
• 50:59
  yeah I make them based on
• 51:04
  things that he is really into and really
• 51:06
  likes right so I'm gonna have to do a little stalking
• 51:08
  of Keanu here luckily you've
• 51:10
  trained I'm yeah yeah the
• 51:12
  training kicks in I stalk
• 51:14
  Keanu I um you ever heard of
• 51:16
  the biter Meinhoff
• 51:18
  thing that sounds so familiar
• 51:20
  it's uh it's when
• 51:22
  you like learn about something right and once you learn about it you start hearing it or seeing it
• 51:28
  all the time oh like how when i got my dog i'd never seen one before and then i got home and
• 51:32
  there was like five in the neighborhood yeah yeah it's like suddenly like it's it's like
• 51:38
  things are happening in the world that you don't uh recognize until it like becomes front of mind
• 51:46
  for you and then it's like then you see that it's been around you all the time um i don't know where
• 51:51
  i was going with this uh fighter meinhof yeah okay so i'm gonna find things like where maybe
• 51:58
  it's like he's like something new that he sees and then i'm gonna start creating like little like
• 52:05
  drips of it around him so that he's like suddenly like wow i'm seeing this everywhere
• 52:09
  and then i'm gonna like then so he's like now he's like more aware of like um
• 52:15
  like something like not not this but something like you know like a restaurant has a cranberry
• 52:24
  latte on their menu it's like cranberry latte that sounds crazy and gross but then he's gonna
• 52:29
  start seeing i'm gonna start like inserting like different cranberry unexpected cranberry things
• 52:38
  around so that he's suddenly like what is this cranberry craze and then it's gonna start he's
• 52:45
  gonna start seeing it so he's gonna start looking it up so it's gonna become part of his algorithm
• 52:48
  and then he's gonna see my beautifully directed like cranberries and everything real or whatever
• 52:55
  and he's gonna be like well this was really gorgeous and like this is kind of like the
• 52:58
  pinnacle of like this like cranberries cranberries everywhere and then suddenly he sees this like
• 53:02
  thing it's like yeah right i'm gonna start doing that with a lot and then he's gonna be like
• 53:05
  these have kind of this like same feel to it like there's that cranberry video and this is jenna
• 53:12
  jubes director yeah yeah okay yeah jenna jubes i like the sound of that um yeah then
• 53:20
  then he's gonna he's gonna look me up yeah and then jennajubes.com yeah
• 53:27
  um after sifting through some not safe for work sites first i'll make it to jenna's website
• 53:37
  he's and he's gonna accidentally go to jennasboobs.com
• 53:42
  but which is only gonna help you yeah and then later we'll have a laugh about it it'll be like
• 53:49
  i was looking for you and i accidentally found this and it was like ah it's still my girlfriend
• 53:53
  no no no that's not what i meant i wasn't doing that um and um sorry about that that website was
• 54:00
  than when I was in college.
• 54:03
  They're perkier now.
• 54:07
  Then,
• 54:08
  yes, I think it's still my website,
• 54:12
  not somebody else's.
• 54:16
  But even those will be like
• 54:18
  really artfully directed.
• 54:21
  So they're going to have...
• 54:21
  Cranberries all around.
• 54:23
  Yep.
• 54:24
  Tastefully placed cranberries.
• 54:27
  Zombie by the cranberries.
• 54:30
  Yeah.
• 54:34
  Then he's going to seek me out.
• 54:36
  And he's just going to be like, hey, I really like what you're like.
• 54:38
  If you ever have an opportunity to work together, like, I'd be like, I would love that.
• 54:42
  I love you.
• 54:43
  I think you're so talented.
• 54:44
  But, you know, I really do more of these like kind of like think pieces.
• 54:48
  They don't really have actors in them.
• 54:50
  I'm sorry.
• 54:51
  But I'll get back.
• 54:52
  You know, if anything ever changes.
• 54:53
  Then I like wait.
• 54:55
  wait like i we become kind of like like social media friends like we send each other like dm
• 55:02
  each other some stuff and like we become friendly that way i let that simmer for like a year
• 55:07
  and then i am like kiana we need to talk in person and then he's like great yes great let's do it
• 55:17
  let's meet up and then uh we go to that same restaurant we need that same restaurant with
• 55:23
  the cranberry lattes um i'm drinking one when he gets there and he's like thinks that's a weird sign
• 55:30
  like i i heard about this like a year ago and it was like the weirdest thing to me and i'm like
• 55:34
  yeah they're terrible but i had to try one how do you not i'm adventurous right and he'd be like
• 55:39
  i'm adventurous too be like i we we have so much in common and then i'm gonna slide a script across
• 55:45
  and be like this was so compelling to me and that it's like i'm gonna do like a scripted movie for
• 55:54
  the first time ever uh the and you're the only person that i want to do this with like i'm not
• 56:01
  gonna do this unless you're attached and at this point in time he loves my work so he's like and
• 56:05
  you're friends and we're friends um and then he's like yeah well like the world needs to see your
• 56:11
  broader like your talent like you can't just be contained to these vignettes you need a feature
• 56:15
  like yes i'm i want to do that i want to be a part of this and then that's how i do it that would
• 56:21
  work on me yeah i think so are you now thinking about it like about a year ago when um wait a
• 56:29
  minute like oh france and then and then i suggested we do a podcast like a little bit later
• 56:34
  Mike but you're the only one I'd do it with
• 56:36
  I think I did say that
• 56:38
  oh my god wow
• 56:39
  you know what I'm okay
• 56:41
  I'm Stockholm
• 56:42
  I remember how I told you to go to jettasboobs.com
• 56:45
  you don't know what I've done
• 56:47
  great job
• 56:50
  thanks
• 56:50
  cool
• 56:51
  how would you do it
• 56:53
  well we don't have time for that
• 56:55
  okay
• 56:55
  alright
• 56:57
  but your idea was great
• 56:59
  thanks
• 57:00
  well
• 57:03
  I guess then that wraps up
• 57:06
  the big question
• 57:08
  the big question
• 57:09
  one final bit of business
• 57:10
  here we go
• 57:12
  this is the stakes are rising on this last bit
• 57:16
  I feel like yeah I know I really
• 57:18
  want to get this right
• 57:19
  I have to pee now from nervousness
• 57:21
  okay well I know you like peeing on things
• 57:24
  but wait not in this is a
• 57:26
  sacred space okay thank you this is like
• 57:28
  cow temple
• 57:28
  do you
• 57:32
  have
• 57:32
  I only have a couple guesses
• 57:34
  and these guesses scare me
• 57:36
  I'm going to say them
• 57:38
  the first guess I
• 57:39
  oh I really have to pee now
• 57:40
  the first guess I have is
• 57:42
  impede
• 57:42
  oh because
• 57:44
  no
• 57:45
  impede
• 57:47
  that's going to be you
• 57:48
  in a minute
• 57:49
  oh I didn't even do that
• 57:50
  so that wasn't
• 57:50
  nope
• 57:51
  I feel like this could be a decoy situation
• 57:56
  but I'm going to
• 57:56
  I'm going to say sentience
• 57:58
  nope
• 57:59
  nothing
• 58:00
  nope nothing
• 58:01
  okay then
• 58:02
  I'm out. That's all you got?
• 58:04
  Everything else just seemed to flow.
• 58:07
  Wow, really?
• 58:08
  There was one thing I said that was very awkward.
• 58:10
  That was my decoy word.
• 58:12
  I'm glad I didn't pick up on it.
• 58:14
  What was your word?
• 58:17
  My word was blatantly.
• 58:20
  I feel like that's such a
• 58:21
  hard word to get someone to guess because it's
• 58:23
  such a common
• 58:25
  like it's such a well used word, you know?
• 58:28
  Except I used it a little awkwardly
• 58:29
  I think. I said that
• 58:31
  we've changed the invention enough
• 58:34
  that you haven't blatantly ripped off the place
• 58:36
  near your grandma's.
• 58:38
  I think that's fine. Yeah. Okay.
• 58:42
  And my decoy word
• 58:43
  was crocodiles.
• 58:47
  See, I just assumed
• 58:48
  she would have crocodile bags.
• 58:50
  Yeah. And you were talking about the closet.
• 58:53
  Yeah, I know.
• 58:54
  Huh.
• 58:57
  I, uh, yeah.
• 58:59
  Are they made from real crocodiles?
• 59:00
  see I just thought
• 59:02
  I was so into the bit
• 59:03
  that made perfect sense
• 59:05
  alright well I have some guesses for you
• 59:08
  you do?
• 59:10
  I'm scared
• 59:10
  I'm worried one of them is going to be your decoy word
• 59:16
  I'm worried none of them is your real word
• 59:18
  and that one of them is your decoy word
• 59:19
  these are normal fears
• 59:20
  alright I'm going to start with
• 59:22
  Wildcats
• 59:24
  no
• 59:27
  it's a great movie
• 59:29
  I think it's got
• 59:30
  is Woody Harrelson in that movie?
• 59:32
  why am I saying that?
• 59:33
  I'm not familiar with the movie
• 59:35
  that could be a lie
• 59:35
  sorry Woody
• 59:36
  or it could be true
• 59:38
  hey Woody
• 59:39
  um
• 59:42
  orphaned
• 59:44
  decoy word
• 59:45
  no
• 59:46
  damn
• 59:49
  you said it so awkwardly
• 59:51
  I know
• 59:52
  I lured you
• 59:53
  you did
• 59:54
  did you see me write something down
• 59:57
  shortly after that?
• 59:58
  Were you very excited when you saw it right?
• 59:59
  I guess, and I was also trying to not, like, you know, give it away.
• 1:00:05
  Rub your hands together.
• 1:00:09
  I have two other guesses for your word.
• 1:00:11
  Okay.
• 1:00:14
  Mosquitoes?
• 1:00:15
  No.
• 1:00:16
  I hate those things.
• 1:00:18
  Paternity?
• 1:00:19
  No.
• 1:00:20
  Oh.
• 1:00:20
  I think you're going to laugh when you hear the word.
• 1:00:22
  Okay.
• 1:00:23
  Omelets.
• 1:00:26
  Oh, no.
• 1:00:28
  What a terrible day for me.
• 1:00:32
  Oh, and I said it too.
• 1:00:37
  Yeah, I was really nervous trying to throw that in like at the right time and hoping it landed.
• 1:00:42
  It was, yeah, it was so perfect.
• 1:00:45
  Oof.
• 1:00:47
  Damn.
• 1:00:48
  Man, you got all the points possible.
• 1:00:50
  Yeah, well, because at first I said...
• 1:00:52
  Well, you didn't guess mine.
• 1:00:53
  No, that would have been most possible.
• 1:00:55
  you got a point because I guessed your decoy
• 1:00:57
  and you got
• 1:00:58
  well I know I guess
• 1:01:02
  I said your decoy point for me
• 1:01:05
  yeah we all said our words
• 1:01:07
  points for us
• 1:01:08
  and you said
• 1:01:11
  my word
• 1:01:11
  and I said your word
• 1:01:13
  and I had to like fish it in
• 1:01:17
  again because when I tried to get you to
• 1:01:19
  say it you said
• 1:01:21
  omelet and I was like
• 1:01:22
  no it's got to be omelets so i had to like say it again to get you in you got me to say it
• 1:01:31
  again and pluralized yeah but the first one doesn't mean anything yeah oh man i had to
• 1:01:38
  come back last week was rough for me wow oh well folks go to jenna's boobs.com if you want to check
• 1:01:46
  out the point total.
• 1:01:48
  Just kidding.
• 1:01:49
  Go to veryfinefriends.com
• 1:01:51
  to see how much farther ahead
• 1:01:54
  Francis is than me.
• 1:01:56
  And
• 1:01:57
  go to
• 1:01:59
  social media at
• 1:02:00
  veryfinefriends
• 1:02:01
  to
• 1:02:02
  just tell me
• 1:02:04
  how sad you are
• 1:02:05
  that I didn't get any points
• 1:02:07
  on that.
• 1:02:08
  I would really appreciate
• 1:02:09
  the encouragement.
• 1:02:11
  And
• 1:02:11
  have a great day.
• 1:02:13
  Yeah.
• 1:02:14
  And also that.
• 1:02:15
  All right.
• 1:02:16
  see you next time
• 1:02:17
  bye