Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Gaslights You
Transcript
- Lucas: You ever have a boss who says something in a meeting, you write it down, and then two days later they swear they never said it? And they kind of imply you misheard or you're being too sensitive? Luna: Yeah, that's a classic. And it's not just forgetfulness. When it's a pattern, it's actually a form of psychological manipulation called gaslighting. Lucas: Exactly. And it's surprisingly common in workplaces. A 2023 survey by the Workforce Institute at UKG found that nearly one in three employees reported experiencing something they'd describe as gaslighting from a manager. Luna: One in three. That's huge. But I think a lot of people don't name it because it's so subtle. It's not like yelling — it's this slow erosion of your confidence. Lucas: Right. So today I want to drill into a specific real case. A marketing director at a mid-sized software company — let's call her Sarah. She reached out to us through the Fexingo listener line. Her boss, the VP of Marketing, had a habit of rewriting history in real time. Luna: What kind of rewriting? Like what did that look like in practice? Lucas: So there were three patterns. First, he'd approve a budget request verbally in a one-on-one, then deny it when finance asked. Second, he'd assign a task with tight deadlines, then say he never asked for it when she reprioritized other work. Third, he'd accuse her of not looping him in on decisions he'd explicitly told her to own. Luna: That's textbook gaslighting. Deny, reverse, accuse. And the worst part is that after a few months, she starts second-guessing her own memory. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the goal. Gaslighting works because it makes you doubt your own perception. You stop trusting your judgment, so you become more dependent on the gaslighter. It's a control tactic. Luna: So what did Sarah do? Did she have a way to fight back? Lucas: She started documenting. But not in the way most people think. She didn't just keep a diary of her feelings. She created a specific three-part documentation system. I want to walk through it because it's replicable. Luna: Good. Because I think a lot of people hear 'document everything' and they think, I already do that, but it's not helping. Lucas: Right. The first part is what she called the 'Decision Log.' After every meeting or conversation where a decision was made, she'd send a brief email summary to her boss within two hours. Not accusatory. Just: 'Per our conversation, just confirming that we agreed to allocate $15,000 to the Q3 campaign. I'll proceed with vendor selection.' Luna: So the boss has to either confirm or contradict in writing. If he contradicts, there's a record. If he doesn't reply, that's also a record because silence implies consent. Lucas: Exactly. And she kept those emails in a folder labeled 'Confirmations.' The second part was something she called the 'Contradiction Tracker.' Whenever her boss denied something she knew he'd said, she'd note it in a spreadsheet with the date, the original statement, the denial, and any witnesses. She didn't use it as a weapon, just as a personal reference. Luna: That's smart because it helps her see the pattern herself. When you're in the middle of it, each incident feels small. But when you look at a spreadsheet with ten entries, it's harder to dismiss as your imagination. Lucas: Exactly. And the third part was what she called 'The Paper Trail Request.' For any major decision or change in direction, she'd ask the boss to put it in writing. She'd say something like: 'I want to make sure I execute this exactly as you envision. Could you send a quick note with the key details? I'll take it from there.' Luna: That's a really elegant way to ask for written instructions without sounding like you don't trust them. It frames it as wanting to do a good job. Lucas: Right. And the boss who's gaslighting — if he's smart, he'll recognize that you're building a record, and he might back off. If he's not smart, he'll keep digging his own grave. Either way, you're protected. Luna: I remember a listener story from a few months ago. A woman named Priya who worked in finance at a large insurance company. Her boss approved a $200,000 vendor contract verbally, then when the vendor didn't deliver on time, the boss blamed her for not getting proper approvals. She had the email trail from her 'confirmation' email, and HR backed her up. Lucas: That's exactly the kind of scenario where this system pays off. Without that email, she'd be on the hook for $200,000. So let's talk about HR. When do you escalate? Because a lot of people are afraid to go to HR, especially if the gaslighter is charismatic. Luna: Yeah, that's a real fear. Gaslighters are often charming in public. They might be well-liked by senior leaders. So you go to HR with your documentation, and they might side with the manager because he seems reasonable. Lucas: Right. So the rule of thumb is: only go to HR if you have a clear pattern of documented evidence — at least three to five instances — and if you've already tried to resolve it directly with the manager. And even then, frame it as a performance or communication issue, not a character attack. Say something like: 'I'm struggling to get clear direction from my manager. I've been sending confirmation emails, but there's still frequent misalignment. Can you help me find a way to improve this dynamic?' Luna: That's smart. It makes you look proactive and solutions-oriented, not like you're complaining about a toxic boss. And if HR is good, they'll pick up on the pattern. Lucas: And if HR is not good — if they're in the manager's pocket — then your documentation becomes your exit package. You can use it in a severance negotiation or in a complaint to the ethics line. Or just as a reference for your own confidence when you're job hunting. Luna: Yeah, I think that's an important point. Sometimes the best outcome isn't fixing the relationship, it's getting out with your reputation intact. And the documentation helps you leave on your terms. Lucas: Absolutely. So to recap: three-part system. Decision Log with confirmation emails. Contradiction Tracker in a spreadsheet. And Paper Trail Requests for major items. Build the habit before you need it. Luna: And if you're already in the thick of it, start today. Send that first confirmation email for today's conversation. It's never too late to start creating a record. Lucas: Before we wrap, I want to mention something brief. A handful of listeners have asked how we keep this show ad-free — no sponsor breaks, no mid-roll ads. The honest answer is that a small group of listeners chips in monthly at buymeacoffee.com/fexingo. And that's literally what funds making this many episodes. So if you've gotten value from a specific episode, that's the reason it exists. No pressure, just a genuine thank you. Luna: Yeah, it really does. And it keeps us independent, which means we can cover topics like gaslighting without worrying about upsetting an advertiser. That matters. Lucas: It does. So back to Sarah. After about six weeks of using this system, her boss actually stopped the gaslighting. He realized he couldn't rewrite history anymore because she had the receipts. She didn't have to confront him — the system did the work. Luna: That's the ideal outcome. But I think for a lot of people, the system's value is internal. Even if the boss doesn't change, you feel more grounded. You're not constantly questioning yourself. Lucas: Exactly. And that confidence — that's what protects you long-term. So try the Decision Log this week. Send one confirmation email after your next meeting. See how it feels. Luna: I'd love to hear from listeners who try it. Send us your story through the Fexingo listener line. We might feature it in a future episode. Lucas: On that note — let's leave it there. We'll be back soon with another episode of The Difficult Boss. Take care of yourselves, and take care of your paper trail.