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Why They Ghosted You: The 4 Attachment Styles Explained · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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Music.
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No filters, no limits. Just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
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Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
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Hello diva cat how are you good i
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am so excited today me too i love
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this topic we're going to talk about today what are we going to tell about we're
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going to talk about attachment styles and it's been something that's coming
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on me because i think delving in deep to it now and i will say that it kind
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of will help determine whether or not your relationship works or not okay because
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different attachment styles,
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sometimes they are just completely at ends of each other.
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And it may be that, you know, you're in a relationship for a while,
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and sometimes it feels effortlessly.
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Like, I think your relationship, for sure, feels effortless,
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right? You don't struggle to keep it going.
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It just flows. Sometimes you get in a relationship, and there's this constant
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push and pull that makes it, you have to question, why do they behave that way?
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And it just, you clicked in the beginning, there was definitely an emotional
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attraction, physical attraction, sexual attraction, etc.
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But when you actually get into the relationship, it's difficult and you don't
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know why and you beat your head against the wall. Now, we did talk about love languages, right?
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So love languages can be a thing, but sometimes it's just the way that people
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attach to each other. It's called an attachment style.
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I mean, what make you feel that way? Like after a couple of days,
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you feel this Well, some people attach differently.
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And we're going to kind of dive into it. It's kind of a blueprint for how people
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connect, how they love, how they feel loved, and how they handle conflict.
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And when you get past the honeymoon stages, when it usually starts to happen,
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and you try to figure out, are we a good fit long term?
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Because the honeymoon stages, you know, you've got the oxytocin, you're all happy.
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Everything they do is great. Nothing bothers you. But then after a while,
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you get to see where they really are and attachment style really comes out then.
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So there's four main ones. Now, if you read books out there,
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there's 20 or 30 different attachment styles.
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There's like sub-attachment styles, but there's four main ones.
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And we're just going to cover the four big ones. Okay.
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Okay, because the big ones are, it's transformational, honestly.
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When you're in a relationship and you're past the two, three,
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four-month mark and you start to question the relationship, it's most likely
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their attachment style.
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So this podcast, if you're in
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that range or if you're struggling in a marriage or in a relationship...
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This is the podcast for you because we're going to teach you how to mesh better,
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how to get along, and to see if you can change and understand their attachment
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styles so you can keep the relationship together if that's what you desire. All right.
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Let's dive in. Okay. All right. So there's different attachment styles.
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An attachment style is a pattern of how we bond with others.
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Like I've complained before because I have had guys that text you and then they
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ghost you and then they come back and they act like nothing's changed.
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And then they go away and then they come back.
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And that's an attachment style. And it's rooted in childhood experiences too.
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So it may be that they're that way because they had a rough childhood.
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Maybe they have abandonment issues and they don't know how to truly emotionally attach.
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It's a part of emotional intelligence as well. Something we talked about before.
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You know, attachment styles are different and there's different ways to talk about them.
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There's trust that's related to attachment. Like, for me, trust is a big thing.
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And some people trust right away. Some people don't trust for a year.
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And then intimacy is part of attachment.
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Some people jump into bed on the first date, and some people take two, three months or longer.
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And communication style is affected by attachment. So depending on how you attach
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to other people, your communication style may be different.
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And then my big one is emotional safety. And emotional safety is based off of
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your attachment style as well. So let's go with the first one.
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So this, to me, is what we should all be striving for. And I honestly feel like
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this is your attachment style with your husband.
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It's the secure attachment style. When you're comfortable with intimacy,
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trust, if you're comfortable with that, that's a secure attachment style.
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And I think in every relationship, the goal is to make sure you get to there.
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Now, if you're a secure attachment style and you're dealing with somebody that's
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not a secure attachment style, it's going to be a challenge.
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And you're going to find, wow, I don't know how to handle this.
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One thing about people with secure attachment styles is they communicate openly.
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They handle conflict calmly. And they're very relaxed.
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They're very upfront. They're very direct and honest.
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So if you have somebody that has a secure attachment style, they're just going
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to tell you how it is. They're not going to play games.
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They're not going to lie to you. They're just going to say, this is the way it is.
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It's formed a lot of times when your caregivers were consistent,
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loving, and responsive, but it can also be learned.
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You can change your attachment style is what they don't really tell people. You can grow.
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Into a secure attachment style. Sometimes people don't have a secure attachment
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style, but then when they're with the person for 10 years or so,
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they grow into a secure attachment.
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Does that make sense? Yeah. So it may start off that you're not in a secure
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attachment, and then you grow
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into this over time, and you feel more comfortable in the relationship.
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And I think that's what we all, our goal is.
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Because you don't want to be in one of these other attachment styles for the
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term of the relationship, it'd be very stressful.
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So then the next time of attachment style is anxious.
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Anxious people are oftentimes preoccupied. They're going to be like constantly needy.
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They're going to be like, oh my gosh, does this person like me?
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Do they not like me? Do they hate me?
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And then they're going to be, they're going to crave closeness,
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but constantly afraid they're going to be abandoned.
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Now this happens a lot of times when people come out of bad relationships.
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Now, is it because of insecurity? Well, it could be that you got a little traumatized
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in your last relationship.
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It could be that you were raised with a caregiver that was never present and
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never really showed you love. They were very inconsistent.
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Sometimes they show you love. Sometimes they take it away.
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This happens a lot in people that came out of narcissistic relationships because it's a hot cold.
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So you can get preoccupied with, do they like me? Do they not?
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But once you heal, you get closer back to a secure relationship.
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But until you heal that wound, I guess, if you call it that,
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you can be overly sensitive.
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Whenever your partner's in a bad mood or they're having a bad day,
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you could be sensitive to their behavior.
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And that's why, if you're in a narcissistic relationship, if they're throwing
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a fit, you're constantly on edge.
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And that's where the anxious, preoccupied relationship comes from.
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So if you're coming out of a relationship, it is important to go to therapy
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and to possibly get a divorce coach and truly heal, or you're going to go into
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your next relationship anxious. You're going to drive people crazy.
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It can happen with men and women. It's not just a female thing.
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I will say, though, I see a lot of women doing the anxious preoccupied.
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You know, as you get more secure with yourself, as you get more comfortable
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with the relationship, it will hopefully die down, but it may not.
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You may be constantly anxious with the person because you don't trust it because
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you got damaged in your last relationship or your parents,
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your caregivers, because a lot of this stuff we we go back to after we go through
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a breakup or whatnot to our childhood because our childhood created the the
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core belief system surrounding some of these attachment styles and you have
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to be careful with that and now i think you guys for sure are secure.
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Because you guys trust each other yeah you guys are intimate very comfortable
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intimacy and you both can have independent lives but come back together and,
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be a great couple. Yeah, 100%. So if you can find that in a relationship off
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the beginning, the person is fully healed and it's nice.
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Now, with the secure attachment, that doesn't mean that, you know,
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you can leave the person alone for a month.
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You need to talk about what your communication style is and how often you need
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to be talking to each other.
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But like, for instance, let's say you're supposed to be talking to each other
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two or three times a week and you forget a week or you missed a week.
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You know, a secure attachment style is not going to freak out,
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but an anxious one would.
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An anxious one would be like, oh no, this is terrible and they would go down the rabbit hole.
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So just realize secure attachment's what we're working for but it's a work in
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progress for a lot of people. Some people need to be talked to each other every day.
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We don't. Well, you do talk to each other every day. Like keep constantly texting.
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Yeah, but like when you went on trips, when you went on the cruise,
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you weren't talking to them every day. No.
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See? So that was a secure relationship. Yeah.
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And that's great to be in a secure, trusting relationship i
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think honestly if we could all get to that level
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then i think most people want to be so worrisome
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and dating would be easier oh my gosh when you date
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someone that's in a secure secure attachment style you
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don't ever have to question where they stand and it's just it's a match it's
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it's so comfortable yeah yeah so comfortable so anyone that's anxious they're
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just going to be super sensitive and it a lot of times it comes it's rooted
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in childhood but it can also come from bad recent relationships.
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Just be careful with that.
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It's a red flag for a lot of people, somebody that's anxious, right?
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So avoidance. Now, I've run into so many avoidance.
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And number three is, the third type is avoidant. And then the fourth type is
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fearful avoidant. And fearful avoidant is kind of avoidant as well.
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But an avoidant person is dismissive, right?
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So they're going to value their independence. So as soon as you start getting
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close to them, they're going to go into, I'm independent.
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And they're going to try to push you away. And it's kind of interesting because
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they want to avoid a deep emotional connection, especially if you trigger them.
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So let's say that you go on a couple of dates with somebody and you think you're
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really connecting and then you're dating an avoidant and they think you're great,
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but they don't want to get too close. They're going to push you away.
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They're going to stop texting. They're going to stop calling.
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They're going to just push you away and see if you stick around.
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They are going to struggle with vulnerability. A lot of times they overshare
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in the beginning, and then they try to pull it back.
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They're going to struggle with intimacy. They're going to be struggling with vulnerability.
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A lot of times it's from emotionally unavailable or distant caregivers.
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Sometimes avoidance are because they got abandoned as a child or like a parent
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left. Or it can also be from a parent died.
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It doesn't have to be that the parent left. It can be like a parent died while they were growing up.
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So avoidance are they try to avoid getting too close because they're afraid of it.
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They're afraid of connecting. So if you're a secure person and you date an avoidant,
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what's going to happen is you're going to try to give them trust.
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You're going to try to be, you know, intimate with them. You're going to try to communicate openly.
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And then what's going to happen is it'll go along well. And then all of a sudden
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they'll shut you down because they'll try to avoid.
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Now, my belief, guys and ladies, if you don't like someone, you need to just
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say, hey, I'm not that into you. Yeah.
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But sometimes people go through this avoidant thing, even though they're into
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the person, just because they're so afraid of getting close. I see.
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But if you're not into somebody, do us all a favor and just say,
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hey, I'm not that into you and move on.
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Yeah. Stop the ghosting. Stop the avoidant behavior. Stop the ignoring people.
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Just let them go and let them go find someone else.
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Yeah. I think part of the problem is people are afraid that they're going to
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run into someone with the anxious attachment style, right?
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If a secure person tells an anxious person, I'm not that into you,
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that anxious person may flip out.
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That's true. The people that flip out tend to be the anxious personality type.
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So if you see somebody going crazy when you let them down or you tell them you're
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not interested in them or it's just not working out, that's an anxious personality type.
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If you tell a secure person that you're not that into them, they might hurt
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a little bit. Don't get me wrong. People have feelings.
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But they'll be like, okay, I got this, and they'll move on.
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They're not going to chase you down and they're not going to stalk you after the fact.
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But an avoidant, they're just going to, they're going to close,
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they're going to have a wall up. It's going to be very difficult to break down somebody's wall.
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And it's just because they've been damaged too. I see.
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So avoidant people with the loss of a parent or a parent that disappeared or
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abandoned them, it's going to be difficult to break down the barriers.
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And they may think they've healed. A lot of them think they've healed.
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They've gone to therapy and they try to open up and they open up a lot.
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But then they almost immediately shut down, especially if they see something in you that they like.
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Because they tend to be the ones that want to be the F boys,
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the ones that want to go around and sleep around. They don't want to attach.
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They want to avoid attachment, but they still want to get laid,
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right? So if you have the F boys, a lot of them are avoidance.
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Because they're like, I'm coming out there, I'm dating, I'm putting myself out there.
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They'll go and screw somebody or have sex with them. But if there was actually
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a meaningful relationship or a meaningful connection, what would happen is they
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would pull back almost immediately.
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But that's why most of the F boys tend to be avoidant personality types.
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They want to have sex with people. They just don't want to get close.
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So you have to be careful of the avoidance. They're going to probably push sex faster.
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Some of them do. Some of them don't. But if they're not pushing sex and they're
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finding that you guys have an emotional connection, as soon as you get closer,
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they're going to pull away. So just understand that. Okay.
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And you can't push someone into being a secure attachment.
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You can't change someone. You can't change them. No, they have to grow into that themselves.
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I see. And some people that are anxious or avoidance will grow into it over
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time. So you just have to move slower.
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I see. And I think a lot of times people are like, wow, this person's crazy. I can't do anything.
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No, maybe you need to put their anxiousness at ease, make them feel more safe,
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make them feel more secure, make them feel like that you're always going to be there.
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That's how you deal with an anxious person same thing with an avoidant you have
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to you have to be consistent with texting you have to be like all their things
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you have to follow up with them often.
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It difference between it matters if you're male or female on this one,
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because what happens with an avoidant, if you text them too much or if you like
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all their stuff on social media, they're not going to trust it,
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especially if they were abandoned.
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They're going to think that there's something going on and that you're untrustworthy
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because they don't feel worthy.
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Avoidance a lot of times don't feel worthy. So they have they struggle with
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that because they got abandoned.
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Okay. Sometimes children of divorce are avoidance because a lot of times children
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of divorce feel avoid, like they got abandoned as well.
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And it can be sometimes children of divorce are anxious.
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It just kind of depends on how they grow up. And a lot of it will depend on past relationships.
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Now, I have met a lot of guys that are on their second or they've been divorced twice or three times.
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I haven't met anybody four times yet, but I met a lot of second and third.
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And they're avoidance. They don't want to get married again.
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They say they want a relationship, but really all they want is a fuck friend.
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They want an F friend. They just want somebody to have sex with.
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So they say that they want a relationship, but it's just.
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They really don't. They're playing games. And if you actually got close to them,
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they would turn into a full-on avoidant and shut you down. Or they ghost you.
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You know, the ghosting is big
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for avoidance. They just disappear and they don't talk to you for a while.
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So if you have so many ladies out there that ghost you, most likely they're
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avoidant. If you have somebody that sends you too much information,
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most likely they're anxious.
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I see. Like, oh, if they're like stalking you or giving you too much attention,
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they're anxious because they need the love. They need the attention.
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But if they're ghosting you, they're an avoidant.
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So realize that that happens.
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And it's hard for somebody that has a secure attachment style to deal with an
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anxious person or avoidant. You have to have patience with both of those styles.
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So the next type is the fearful avoidant. Okay. So this one's kind of chaotic, right?
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So this one has, it's a mix of craving intimacy and.
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Okay. But at the same time fearing it. Now, it's called disorganized or chaotic in different circles.
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I've had this one before myself where sometimes I went into a scene and sometimes
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I'm afraid of it and I go back and forth a little bit and I realized it and
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I'm like, okay, this is not good. I got to calm that down. Right.
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And this one, sometimes we push people away even though we desire them to be close to us.
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And I have seen me do this in the past that I like someone, but I push them
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away because I want them close, but I don't want them close.
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It's like, what do I want depending on the day? So you have to be careful of fear for avoidance.
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Now, this is often tied to trauma, trauma in past relationships, trauma as a child.
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A lot of times people that are fearful avoidance were neglected or they had
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caregivers that were abusive.
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And so because of that, we didn't really regulate how to handle our relationships. I see.
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And I think when I start dating someone, sometimes I go back to fearful avoidance.
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And I have to really see what I'm doing and then step back into secure because
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I have had both. I've been secure and fearful avoidant.
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So for me, I have to really work on making sure that I can calm my nervous system down.
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And I will say it depends on the guy, too, because if the guy makes me feel
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calm, my fearful avoidant goes away. But if the guy is chaotic,
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if the guy is not secure and the guy is a fearful avoidant or an avoidant,
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I stay in fearful avoidant longer.
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So it does matter who you're matching with as well.
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Like if a guy is secure, I fall right into secure.
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But if a guy is a fearful avoidant, I will lean that way. So you have to be careful.
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They're attachment styles. I mean, this is such a big thing with relationships.
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We don't realize how this impacts a future relationship.
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I see. And if you're dating an avoidant, good luck. Because avoidants are probably
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the most difficult to break through their shell.
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And sometimes people will change from avoidant to fearful avoidant and then grow back into secure.
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These aren't in any specific order, but good luck, you know.
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So let's kind of talk about, you know, how to match with the right person.
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The best attachment style is secure and secure.
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It's the healthiest. It's the easiest communication.
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And I will say when someone's open and honest with me, I fall right into being
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open and honest with them.
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I have no issues with that. When they're secure in themselves and they're comfortable,
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I can go back into my secure, comfort, safety feeling.
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Men out there, a lot of times you will drive the relationship with women based
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off of your attachment style. Because if you come at a woman and you're avoidant,
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you're going to throw her into any past relationship trauma or any past situation.
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You know, childhood trauma that they had growing up. But if you come at her
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secure, you're going to make her feel much more secure.
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And you might override some of her insecure feelings.
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So if I can find a secure attachment style, and that's hard to find.
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I will say, because us Gen Xers, we were tough as hell, but we also went through a lot of crap.
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And it's, but it's the easiest to communicate with. And I actually,
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I went on a date with someone that I thought was going to be a secure attachment.
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And I felt comfortable and I felt at peace, right? And I was like,
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oh, this feels really comfortable.
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And then they turned into an avoidant. And when they turned into an avoidant,
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I was like, okay, well, that's interesting.
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And it was because they fell back into their pattern, right?
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So you have to be careful.
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Now, women, if we are secure and we're strong and are secure,
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and this is something I do work on, if I have a secure attachment style,
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I can also bring a guy along with me and I can make them feel safe and comfortable as well.
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So it goes both ways. But I will say, if you have a strong man,
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it's much easier to keep a secure and secure attachment. The other one is secure and anxious.
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So if you're secure, or let's say the man is secure and the woman's anxious,
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because I see that happen quite often.
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So what happens is the secure partner can calm the woman's nervous system. They can grow. Okay.
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They can foster growth in a nice way. So secure with anxious is great.
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Secure with anything is great because secure will calm the other partner down,
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make them relax. Even a secure with an avoidant partner, they're going to help them open up.
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They're going to have to be more patient, but you can help an avoidant person
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open up, even a fearful avoidant.
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So someone that's secure, a fearful avoidant is going to feel comfortable around them.
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And they'll get more back into their secure. And then, but the challenging is anxious and avoidant.
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Because what's going to happen is you're going to have one person over here
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that's, we're not going to say crazy, that's just over the top needy, right?
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And they constantly need to be texted every hour.
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And if they're not getting texted every hour, they're upset.
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And then you're going to be dating and avoiding over here that only wants to
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text them once a week or even talk to them once a week.
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So you've got the anxious person that's like, where are you,
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where are you, where are you, who's checking Facebook 20 times a day,
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who's checking Instagram 20 times a day, who can't function because they're
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so anxious about this relationship.
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And then you have the avoidant over here that's like, I don't want to get too
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close. I'm nervous. I'm scared.
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And so I'm going to pull away a little bit. I'm going to pull away. They just pull away.
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And you put the two of those together. It's just it's a recipe for disaster
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because nobody's calm, nobody's secure, and nobody's balancing the other side.
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Maybe them two need to start talking to each other, tell the truth.
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Well, yeah, but that's the thing is with the avoidant and anxious, they don't. They don't.
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They may start off that way, but then when they fall back into their standard
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attachment style, they don't. The other one is fearful avoidant.
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And fearful avoidant doesn't work with anxious or avoidant.
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And that's the problem. So the fearful avoidance guys is actually kind of the
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worst because it's unpredictable.
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Sometimes they are happy. Sometimes they are sad. Sometimes they have emotional swings.
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Right. And it depends on the day. And they can seem like very callous and not
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caring like an avoidant.
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And then on other days, they can sound like, well, I need more attention.
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Right. So I need more care. I need more consideration. and they go back and
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forth between the two different styles.
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So it can be a little stressful. A fearful avoidant really needs a secure.
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Attachment style or the relationship doesn't work. And there's less of those
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out there because a lot of people have baggage that haven't healed that they
22:41
bring to the relationship.
22:42
So the fearful avoidant is actually the worst one to have because you don't
22:47
match with either the anxious or the avoidant. You only match with secure.
22:51
And it's not about the attachment style as much as your willingness to grow and change.
22:57
And some people won't. Some people,
23:00
no matter who they're with they're going to avoid intimacy and when
23:03
i say intimacy i'm not saying avoid sex when i say
23:06
the avoidant is is avoiding closeness like
23:10
emotional intimacy emotional closeness not physical
23:13
because the the avoidance will go all day long with having intimacy sexual intimacy
23:18
but they don't they avoid the emotional intimacy and the anxious people you
23:21
know they're chaotic they're crazy they're well they're not crazy they're just
23:25
emotionally needy right so it's if either of those though,
23:31
wants to change and they recognize that I need,
23:34
but let's say I'm an anxious person and the anxious person says to the guy,
23:38
I need you to text me three times a day.
23:40
If I don't hear from you three times a day, I'm going to feel like something's wrong.
23:43
It's just who I am and you're honest, right? And then, and let's say you were
23:48
dating a secure person and you're anxious.
23:51
What would happen is the person would say, you know what? I can't do that.
23:54
I would love to, but I can't, but here's what I'm going to tell you.
23:57
I'm going to text you in the morning and I'm going to talk two or three times a week. Is that okay?
24:02
And you just talk it out. And that's a growth-minded.
24:05
And that might put the anxious person at ease. And if the secure person's with
24:09
an avoidant, the secure person may say, I like open communication and I like
24:13
to talk to you daily. But the avoidant may say, you know what?
24:16
I sometimes get a little fearful when I get close to someone. Just be patient with me.
24:20
It may take me some time to open up. But there's open communication.
24:24
And that's what the avoidant can do with the secure.
24:27
With the fearful avoidant, the only person they work out with is the secure.
24:31
Because they can't work with the other two.
24:33
Because they can't go to an avoidant and say, I'm going to be,
24:37
sometimes I'm going to like you and sometimes I'm not.
24:39
And at the same time with the anxious person, if they get them on the wrong
24:42
day, they're going to butt heads. Yeah.
24:43
So you just have to be willing to grow. All sides.
24:47
Now, what can happen is you can change your attachment style completely.
24:50
This takes work. It takes being secure in yourself. It takes emotional maturity
24:55
or emotional IQ, if you will.
24:56
And you can grow into it. But attachment styles are formed in childhood, right?
25:00
So that's how it originally started. When you were supposed to get comfort and
25:04
protection and attention, you didn't get it.
25:06
So if you didn't have that secure attachment from your parents,
25:10
then when you grow up later, you don't have it as an adult. No, you don't. You don't.
25:14
And it's hard. It's hard to learn, but you can.
25:17
OK, it's not, you know, but you can also get it from later traumatic experiences,
25:21
from narcissistic relationships, from just toxic relationships,
25:24
from abusive relationships, from physically abusive relationships, from affair.
25:29
So if you were at the narcissist that cheated on you, you got a double edged sword right there.
25:33
And so that can mess with your attachment style and it can you may have been
25:37
secure through a whole marriage. And then all of a sudden.
25:40
It throws you back into childhood trauma because of what happened in your adult relationship.
25:45
So you have to be careful with that, too, because you could shift from a completely
25:49
secure person into a completely insecure attachment style.
25:54
And there are three insecure attachment styles, you know. So you have to remember
25:58
the anxious, the avoidant, and the fearful avoidant.
26:00
You shift into those because of what happened in your marriage or in a long-term relationship.
26:07
Isn't that crazy? Yes. So you need to learn your attachment style so you know
26:12
how to interact with people.
26:14
And if you want a long-term relationship, the closer you can get to a secure
26:18
attachment style, the longer that relationship is going to last.
26:21
But the partner has to, too.
26:23
I think they both have to work together. They do. Yeah.
26:26
I think part of it is if your needs weren't met as a kid, you develop coping mechanisms, right?
26:32
So let's say that you had, if you were a child, and the people were present
26:37
sometimes, present not. So you didn't know what to do. So you get anxious.
26:40
So when they'd show up, you'd be like a dog that came to the door. Happy, happy, happy.
26:44
Right? You walk in, you haven't seen them for a day. And they're just so happy
26:47
to see you, happy to see you. That's an anxious personality style.
26:51
And then they calm down later. Right?
26:53
But then they get anxious again. They're going to leave. They're going to leave.
26:56
And then the dog gets happy.
26:57
Now, I'm not calling people dogs, but you understand that anxiousness when a dog sees you. Right?
27:01
And then with the avoidance, if you were abandoned, right?
27:04
Of course, you're going to have difficulty getting close to someone.
27:06
Or if, you know, you lost a parent, of course you are.
27:09
Then the fearful avoidance, I mean, if you had a physical abuse or a verbal
27:13
abuse as a child consistently, you're not going to know how to act because you're walking on eggshells.
27:19
If you marry a narcissist or somebody that's toxic and...
27:23
You try to get to a secure place and then you fall back into it when something bad happens.
27:27
So you're going to you're going to have to work on that. So it's kind of unpredictable.
27:31
It's high emotional swings. But all those things were coping mechanisms that
27:35
you created when you were a child.
27:37
So the first thing and yes, the attachment styles can change is awareness.
27:41
And then you have to practice and then you have to heal.
27:45
I mean, I think you have to you have to really work at it.
27:48
It's it's something you have to be self-aware and you have to self-reflect.
27:52
OK, so let's start there. You can do different attachment style quizzes.
27:55
But I think after our discussion here, I mean, there's lots of different attachment
27:59
style quizzes online because it's a big thing in therapy right now.
28:03
But if if you can just self-reflect, honestly, I think you could probably figure
28:08
out what your attachment style is and then talk to your therapist or coach about
28:12
it. Say, look, my attachment style is avoidant or my attachment style is anxious or whatever it is.
28:18
And say, what can I do to try to make sure that I don't tank a relationship?
28:22
Because the insecure attachment styles, they sabotage the relationships.
28:26
Yes, they do. And you've seen it happen, right? And then from the outside,
28:30
people watch it like, oh, she's going to sabotage that one again.
28:33
Sometimes you can catch yourself and sometimes you don't. Just be aware of that. Just be self-aware.
28:38
And then go to your therapist and, you know, try to rewire that trust level.
28:42
Because a lot of it comes down to trust.
28:44
Yes. Kind of heal that inner child that you have still. And communicate with
28:48
your therapist clearly and openly and then communicate with your partner.
28:52
I agree. So a secure relationship, in order to get there, you have to retrain
28:56
your attachment responses.
28:58
For instance, let's say you went on a trip and the person doesn't text you at all. Okay.
29:04
During the whole trip. And if you were anxious, you'd be complaining because
29:08
they should have texted you every day.
29:09
If you're avoidant, you'd be like, I don't care, I wanted to break up with them anyway.
29:14
If you're fearful avoidant, you're going to go oscillate between the two of
29:18
those. So I've been there. You've seen it.
29:20
And it's kind of crazy, but it happens.
29:24
And then you come out of that and then you were like, oh, that was all me.
29:28
Then you realize you can go, you can step into this secure relationship.
29:31
It takes patience with yourself because you have to retrain that attachment response.
29:37
And journaling helps. Working on that inner child. And honestly, guys, alone time helps.
29:42
Cocooning and being away from relationships for a while
29:44
helps a long time definitely it does you shouldn't
29:47
be racing into a relationship if you haven't
29:50
worked on your attachment style because what's going to happen is
29:53
when you get past that honeymoon style it's gonna it's gonna get a little crazy
29:57
yeah you need to really look for the people that have i think everyone should
30:00
be in a secure relationship so if you can find someone in fact for me i have
30:05
to find someone that's a secure relationship because i won't last in the other
30:08
ones so you have to regulate your emotions okay And, you know,
30:13
dealing with any insecurities you have and trust issues, because trust is a huge thing. Yeah.
30:18
It takes time. And the more consistent they are, it'll make your regulation easier, too.
30:24
So if you're with a person that, for instance, I dated a person that texted
30:29
me every day, every day, and then ghosted me for like a week.
30:32
And that does not work well with my attachment style.
30:35
Yeah. Because if you're going to text me every day and then you ghost me and
30:38
then you call me and you act like nothing happened, that's not. how I do things.
30:43
So just be consistent with me. If you're going to text me every other day,
30:46
I'm okay with it. We'll create a routine, but I like consistency.
30:50
I like consistency, honestly, in everything I do. I'm consistent.
30:54
I'm disciplined. I want consistency, but it can take time.
30:57
And it's like learning a different emotional language, a different love language.
31:00
It's just the way we attach.
31:03
Did you realize there was so many complexities? Well, see, here's the thing I think you had.
31:08
You both came out of rough relationships, Mm-hmm.
31:13
And then what you found in each other. Now, I don't know what your attachment
31:16
styles were when you came out of it, but you found comfort in each other.
31:20
And now you've developed a secure attachment marriage.
31:24
So you're both securing a relationship. Yeah. Yeah. You have no fear of your relationship.
31:30
And you guys text each other at appropriate times. And you can go a week without
31:34
talking if you're on a trip. Yeah.
31:36
I could go without talking for, yeah. If I'm on a trip, if I'm on a girl's trip,
31:41
or if he's on a business trip, you're just checking in. He's usually checking in at night.
31:47
So there's a secure attachment style. You're going to communicate openly.
31:50
You're going to share your needs. You're going to build together.
31:53
You're going to love together. You're going to have a relationship together. That is the best.
31:56
If you can find two people with secure, great.
31:59
Yeah. But what often happens is one person's secure and brings the other one
32:04
along with them, and they create a secure and a secure by growing together.
32:08
Maybe that person is not ready.
32:09
It could be. But sometimes just finding the right partner works too.
32:13
As long as it's not too crazy. Anxious is hard.
32:15
If you're an anxious person, it's hard. And if you're avoidant and don't let
32:19
anyone in, it's actually hard too. I think that's harder. Yeah,
32:22
that's probably the hardest.
32:24
Yeah. Because you've got to give them space without punishing them.
32:27
And you've got to show safety to them and vulnerability so they can open up.
32:31
And so avoidance is really hard. But the fearful avoidant, you've got to be
32:34
patient too and avoid the push-pull cycle. So what you'll find with an avoidant
32:39
is they'll talk to you a whole bunch. And then if you don't talk to them back,
32:43
they'll just pull away completely.
32:44
I'm kind of like that sometimes. If I talk to a guy and we're talking and then
32:48
they pull away, then I just pull away too. Which means to me,
32:50
I'm not with a secure individual.
32:52
I'm probably with an avoidant again. I don't want that, which is okay.
32:55
I guess I'm still protecting myself.
32:58
But it's a starting point. It's not like magic.
33:01
It's not like, oh, if you can get the secure and secure, you're going to have a great relationship.
33:05
It's just another level to the onion of creating
33:08
a beautiful relationship and i think what will
33:11
happen though too as you grow you'll find more secure people yeah as you heal
33:15
you you'll get closer and closer to partners that are secure you're going to
33:19
avoid the avoidance you're going to avoid the the anxious people you're just
33:23
going to avoid them because you're going to see oh my gosh that person is so
33:26
needy i can't do it or that person is so avoidance.
33:30
I can't do it. I can't do it. You may want to take any of those types of attachment
33:34
styles. I see. Because you may want to grow with that person. Yeah.
33:38
But they have to be open and willing to grow with you. And that's the challenge,
33:42
right? That's the challenge.
33:44
It's magic if you can get grow with someone and you're like you guys had magic
33:49
because you're you may have both come in a little bit avoidant is what I'm expecting
33:54
because you came out of some bad relationships or maybe even a little anxious.
33:57
And you guys, you calmed each other's nervous systems. you
34:00
were comfortable together and it took you time yeah you
34:03
didn't get married right away no so a lot
34:07
of times it may take time to grow into that relationship until you're
34:10
both secure and secure and now you're completely secure in
34:13
your relationship love isn't about finding the right person it's about learning
34:16
to love in a way that makes you both feel safe and that's that's what i think
34:20
we don't understand when we're younger we're like oh we got to find the one
34:23
but the reality is is you got to find the one that you feel safe with that you
34:28
can love and grow with And that's the tricky one,
34:31
because a lot of people don't have that growth mindset.
34:34
That's not easy. It's not easy. No. You can add spice to this, too.
34:38
You can be flirty, intimate, but you have to realize don't push someone into a corner.
34:43
But I do believe everything happened for a reason, though. If you let things
34:47
happen naturally, without controlling, just let this flow. It won't happen.
34:51
Yeah, I think that is very important. I think going forward, if you can...
34:57
If you can work on yourself and if you're finding that you are still falling
35:03
into one of these insecure attachment styles, it may be a sign you need a cocoon
35:07
and go work on yourself some more.
35:09
And I think that is the biggest thing. And here's some questions for you.
35:14
Do you tend to pull away when people get too close?
35:17
What attachment style do you think that is? Maybe that person's not ready.
35:21
Maybe you're not ready. That's an avoidant type of personality,
35:24
right? When we say people aren't ready, it's because they're avoidant.
35:28
That's, you know, the whole saying somebody's not ready, they're just an avoidant.
35:32
Right. They don't want, and you know what, here's the thing.
35:34
You may never be ready, and you may never get out of the avoidant attachment style.
35:40
You may want to just get close to somebody a few times, have sex with a few
35:44
people, and then you move on.
35:46
That's the F boys, right? That may be how you are. You have two to three.
35:51
You'll see it because they always have one to three, six month relationships
35:55
and then they move on to the next one because they're avoidance,
35:58
which if that's what you want, that's OK.
36:01
But realize that you may be messing with someone else that wants more. OK.
36:06
Do you constantly wonder if your partner still loves you?
36:09
That's anxious. So when you're anxious like that, you know, it's going to be
36:13
rough because you're going to be constantly going.
36:16
You're going to be constantly insecure, constantly texting, constantly needy
36:20
to a point that it's not healthy.
36:22
And then do you feel comfortable leaning on your partner and letting them lean on you?
36:26
Yeah. See, that's the secure. She answered right away, too. There was no delay.
36:31
Because you have a secure attachment style. So you're like, yeah, of course we do.
36:35
Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. So if you're in an anxious and avoidant,
36:40
make sure you schedule check-in calls.
36:42
You have to schedule them because the avoidant is not going to want to make them.
36:46
So you put it in the calendar or you put it on the schedule.
36:48
And the anxious is going to need them. Would you want to be in that kind of relationship though?
36:53
Well, over time, an anxious and avoidant could grow more secure in their relationship together. I see.
37:00
Right? So that can work. And let's say you're a fearful avoidant with a secure
37:05
person. You're going to have to create safety through consistency.
37:09
Like my big thing is consistency. If somebody doesn't give me consistency,
37:12
I just, I don't want it. Right.
37:14
And I don't tolerate crazy, panicky, stressful situations.
37:19
I want consistency. I want things to move at a nice pace and I want them to
37:23
work at that nice pace. It's just who I am.
37:27
At the same thing, I'm trying to become more secure. I dated a lot of avoidance.
37:32
And I think because I'm dating a lot of people, again, that have been married
37:35
twice or three times, and they don't want anything.
37:39
They're just looking for sex or they're looking for a quick relationship.
37:42
And those don't work for me because I'm looking for more secure.
37:45
I used to think that, oh, my gosh, am I sabotaging? But I think the reality
37:49
is I am just looking for a person that's secure.
37:53
And I have found a lot of avoidant people. And the avoidance,
37:57
I know in my heart won't work for me.
38:01
So if I'm with an avoidant person, I just let them go.
38:05
And I know people like, are you just, are you sabotaging? I'm like, I don't think so.
38:09
I'm just, I can tell they're avoidant. I mean, they were all hot and hot.
38:13
And then all of a sudden they ghost you for a week and then they come back like
38:15
nothing happened. That's amusing avoidance.
38:18
Here's the thing. If some people don't say, well, maybe they're dating other people.
38:22
That's fine. people that are avoidant often date they have a roster of people
38:26
right yeah but if someone's dating me.
38:30
And they're dating other people, then I can see where they're like hot and cold.
38:34
But I don't want somebody that's dating 10 women, right?
38:37
And on top of it, if they're just pulling away because they're avoidant,
38:42
I'd rather not be with that person.
38:44
Because avoidance don't work well
38:45
with my personality type because I like consistency. I love consistency.
38:49
And honestly, when you get into a secure relationship, you should have consistency.
38:53
One of the things you should think about is if your parents only gave you love
38:58
when you achieved something, you're going to crave that constant reassurance.
39:01
And that's, you know, creating the anxious people, right?
39:04
That's why I'm traumatized. You know, and I think our generation,
39:08
Gen X's have been doing that a lot.
39:10
We've been like, oh, you got straight A's. You're going to get an award.
39:13
Oh, I mean, we got to be careful with that with our own children,
39:16
too, who we're raising. And if you learned early that expressing emotion,
39:20
you got punished or hurt or ignored, you might be a fearful avoidant.
39:24
Or you may be a complete avoidant. You may have shut down completely.
39:28
You just don't know. So work on rewiring your pathways.
39:32
I encourage therapy. I encourage journaling, meditation, yoga, all those things help.
39:38
And then having secure friendships, you're going to notice that your friendships
39:42
sometimes take on the avoidance that take on the anxious. You may be anxious,
39:47
so you only have anxious friends.
39:49
You may be an avoidant, so you only have avoidant friends.
39:51
I mean, you can have a wide variety of friends, but if you have a majority of
39:54
your friends are avoidants, that might be because you are too, right?
39:57
And if the majority of your friends are secure, that might be because you are.
40:01
So you will take on friends this way as well.
40:04
I have had a lot of avoidant friends, so it may be part of the reason why I've
40:09
dated a lot of avoidant guys, even though I'm fearful avoidant,
40:12
because there's comfort there.
40:13
So I need to go more in the secure realm, someone that's comfortable,
40:18
that actually does truly want a relationship and not just a fun friend type of situation.
40:24
Sometimes your teachers, too, can have an impact on your attachment style as
40:28
well, because a lot of times you're with teachers for several years.
40:31
But remember, this is not your destiny. You can change.
40:34
I mean, look at you guys. I'm sure you guys came in and you had a little,
40:37
your attachment styles were a little rough because you were in bad relationships.
40:40
And you grew into such a strong, secure relationship. So I would say if you're
40:45
anxious, you can send a text once a day.
40:50
And say, hey, I can't wait to hear from you or looking forward to hearing from
40:53
you. But don't overdo it.
40:55
Regulate your emotions. If you're avoidant, you can also send a text message,
41:01
but you're probably going to need to schedule it.
41:03
You're going to have to make sure you do it because you're going to have to
41:06
push yourself into doing it. Because it's not going to feel comfortable.
41:09
All right. If you're secure, everything's comfortable on both sides.
41:13
Both sides are never going to feel like the other side is pulling away.
41:16
If you're a fearful avoidant, you know, try to have closeness, but have consistency.
41:22
And a lot of times fearful avoidants are more introverts, which I'm a little
41:25
bit more of an introvert. We don't need the constant crazy.
41:28
We just want consistent showing up, being there consistently.
41:33
And then once I have that, I can then step back into my secure attachment style.
41:37
Just like an anxious, if they have consistent texting over and over again,
41:42
they will step into their secure attachment. They'll become more secure.
41:46
And an avoidant, if they can get away from ignoring people and staying in their
41:52
cocoon and actually open up and let their boundaries down a little bit,
41:55
they'll get closer to their secure attachment style.
41:57
That was a lot we've covered today. That was a lot. There's so many types.
42:01
I know. Why can't we just make it happen naturally?
42:05
Well, I think a lot of it is, you know, we've been through traumatic relationships.
42:10
A lot of people, I mean, because think about it. Let's say somebody was married
42:13
twice and they got cheated on both times or married three times and they got cheated on every time.
42:17
They're going to be a complete avoidant, right? Or they're going to be a complete
42:20
anxious, like, why aren't you texting me back? Are you with somebody?
42:23
Who are you with right now?
42:24
You know? So, or they could be a fearful avoidant and back and forth between
42:28
the two, right? So you just...
42:31
They're not going to be secure. Yeah. If someone's gone through three heartbreaks,
42:35
they haven't gone through therapy, they haven't healed, and they keep attracting
42:39
people that cheat, right? Because it's a type of personality.
42:42
Women that cheat or men that cheat, it's a type of personality.
42:45
If you're attracting the same type over and over again, you haven't healed right, right?
42:50
So if you've gone through that two or three times and now you're coming back
42:54
into dating, of course you're going to want to avoid women.
42:56
You may just want to say, you know what, I'm here with you
42:59
i'm just not truly here with you you'll see it yeah and
43:03
if someone got cheated i think i think what men a
43:06
lot of times will go avoid it after they get cheated
43:08
on and whereas women will be fearful avoidant yeah and you can change your attachment
43:13
style like i could have been fearful avoidant as a child but then i go through
43:19
a relationship where it's hot and cold hot and cold and i come out of that relationship
43:23
anxious every relationship you has has an impact even friend relationships.
43:27
You can have some crazy friends out there, guys, that really change your attachment
43:31
style as well. You need consistent.
43:33
I need consistent. Yes.
43:36
Consistency makes me feel secure, and then I can flow into a secure relationship.
43:40
And I would flow into a secure relationship. If I'm with an avoidant, I just walk away. Yeah.
43:45
Consistence is the key, even between relationship, between friends or between families.
43:50
Yes. I talk to my sister three times a day. You know, consistency is what's
43:55
needed in every aspect of life.
43:57
Yeah. If you want to be successful, how do you get there? You're consistent.
44:02
You're disciplined and consistent, which discipline is consistency. You want to lose weight.
44:07
You don't lose it by starving yourself for a week, although it would work,
44:10
but then you gain it back. You lose it through consistency.
44:12
You want to have a stable partner. You're emotionally consistent, emotionally mature.
44:17
And I think a lot of people aren't. And a lot of people, it comes across as
44:21
disrespectful when you're not consistent, but it also shows how immature you are emotionally.
44:26
I'm very consistent with people. I just expect that back.
44:29
I just haven't found it yet. But I realized that I have attracted a lot of avoidant
44:35
Which to me means maybe I just don't really want to date yet.
44:38
Maybe I just want to work on me a little bit more. And I'm okay with that.
44:42
Because I need consistency and I'm just not finding it.
44:45
So consistency is king for everything you want in life.
44:49
Consistency is king for studying.
44:51
Consistency is king for achieving any goal out there. If you're not consistent,
44:55
it's hard to get there. And secure people are very consistent.
44:59
I think everything you do, consistency.
45:02
My yoga instructor always said it.
45:04
Consistent being consistent that's what she
45:07
said yeah be consistent at being consistent and the
45:10
more consistent you are and and you just create a
45:13
and i'm not saying let's not get boring i like variety because i'm i'm an aquarius
45:19
we like our variety right and the people that like to do the exact same thing
45:24
over and over again no but consistency meaning care and consideration when you're
45:29
dating someone you need to be consistent with your care and consideration,
45:33
I'm not saying you have to love them right off the bat, but you do have to show
45:37
your future potential partner a level of care and consideration that you show over and over again.
45:44
Because if you don't, here's what women think, and here's what maybe some men
45:48
think too. If you're inconsistent in the beginning, I don't want to date you
45:52
because you're going to be inconsistent throughout the relationship.
45:55
And I don't want the chaos of it.
45:58
You know, I've seen chaos. I don't want it. And so I want consistency throughout
46:02
because if you're showing me you're not consistent in the beginning,
46:04
good luck three months, six months, nine months from now having them show up even on time.
46:09
If they can't call you or text you in some type of consistent fashion.
46:13
Now, I'm not saying, oh, they have to call me at eight o'clock every single day.
46:16
No, but you should have some level of consistency where the other person's not
46:20
questioning what you're even doing.
46:24
It's a little, what are we doing here? Are we just nothing? I mean,
46:28
to me, that's inconsistent. And but I also I'm not anxious to the point where
46:31
I need constant communication. That would be creepy.
46:35
Yeah. A little bit too creepy. Yeah. So but yeah, there it is.
46:38
So I think everybody in every aspect of their life should show up more consistently
46:43
and then relationships will be easier as well.
46:46
I think so, too. Yeah. All right, Diva Cat, I think we're good for the day.
46:49
What do you think? Yeah, I think we covered a lot today. We covered so much today.
46:53
So much. And I think this is an important podcast for people that are in relationships,
46:58
whether they're married,
46:59
whether they're getting even getting divorced or if they're in a long term relation
47:05
or they're wanting to get into a relationship. I think this covers the spectrum.
47:09
And then also remember, try to be consistent with your children.
47:12
Yes. To help regulate their emotions so that it's not so crazy so that they
47:16
can have secure relationships.
47:18
Yes. That's very important. Yes. Well, this is Diva Mia. We hope you have a wonderful day.
47:24
This is Deva Kent. I'll talk to you soon. All right. Take care. Take care.
47:30
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47:36
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