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What If The Real Work Is Staying With Yourself · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show.
• 0:02
  My name is Julie Nguyen, and I am so honored to be your ultimate spiritual hype girl.
• 0:09
  For so long, I have been in my healing journey.
• 0:13
  It was healing, healing.
• 0:14
  Every conversation was about healing.
• 0:16
  Every book that I bought was about healing.
• 0:18
  Every meditation that I did was about healing.
• 0:20
  Healing something about myself.
• 0:23
  And somewhere, thank God, it has changed.
• 0:26
  The language has shifted, and now it feels like what it, what is it to remember?
• 0:33
  To remember who I am.
• 0:35
  To remember and to reclaim these parts of myself that I have always been, and then to love that.
• 0:44
  Can I love it?
• 0:47
  If I stay in this healing loop, I will be sick forever.
• 0:53
  So what's the alternative?
• 0:55
  It's the remembering, and it's the loving.
• 0:58
  And I'm curious if you have ever felt this way too.
• 1:01
  It's like you wake up one day and you're like,"Oh my God, I used to be, I used to be so courageous, adventurous, creative.
• 1:11
  I used to have fucking balls of steel.
• 1:14
  I was fearless.
• 1:16
  I used to be so successful.
• 1:19
  I used to feel so empowered in my life.
• 1:23
  I used to be able to go out and buy anything that I wanted.
• 1:28
  What happened to her?" And that's the conversation I'm having with so many women right now, and honestly, I love it.
• 1:36
  It's beautiful.
• 1:37
  It's honest.
• 1:39
  It's real.
• 1:41
  We are all in transitions right now, and we are always going to be growing, evolving, learning.
• 1:50
  That I know for certain And in our own personal evolution, what direction are we heading?
• 1:57
  And I think we're always heading home, back to ourselves.
• 2:02
  And that in itself can feel like a complete spiritual shit show because underneath all of it, it's our ability to learn how to love ourselves, our ability to practice standing in our power, practice standing behind our decisions, practice being who we are and loving it, learning how to let ourselves off the hook, learning how to stop abandoning ourselves.
• 2:28
  learning how to be witnessed, not because we've got it all together, not because we're perfect, but because we're willing to show up messy.
• 2:40
  Show me a perfect person, and I call bullshit on it.
• 2:44
  I love being in authentic spaces, and I love being in spaces with women where we actually get to practice this remembering together It's quite transformative to share a space that is about growth and honesty and authenticity and practice being triggered and working through the rupture to get to repair instead of feeling inadequate, feeling shame, being ghosted or gossiped about But being in a space where you're like,"Huh, there's that thing that I have inside of me," that part that immediately goes into feeling inadequate, or I said too much, or I didn't say enough, or all of that I really want to encourage you to practice being in communities that allow you to practice being seen So you can practice being held so you can practice being powerful so you can practice being human My Monday Night Energy Club and my really cool, empowering, inspiring friends have changed my life.
• 4:11
  Being around women who remind me who I am, women who catch me the second I start talking small about myself, women who hear me minimizing my dreams and immediately go,"Oh, no, you can't say it like that.
• 4:26
  Bigger." It's not a little thing that you do on Monday nights.
• 4:29
  It's a really big transformative life-changing thing.
• 4:33
  Wah.
• 4:34
  Have you ever had somebody really call you out on that?
• 4:37
  That's encouraging you to continue to stand in your power, in your light, in your gifts?
• 4:44
  I know for me, the first 20 years of my adult life was with a narcissist, and that narcissist was constantly telling me I'm not enough.
• 4:54
  I think too weird.
• 4:56
  My ideas will never happen.
• 4:58
  Literally, they would say,"Nobody thinks that way.
• 5:01
  Nobody thinks the way you do." I always saw that as like, uh, that statement made me feel so small.
• 5:12
  It made me doubt myself.
• 5:13
  "God, maybe I am crazy.
• 5:15
  I'm fucking stupid.
• 5:16
  I'll never make it." That's the self-talk that would happen And now to be around women who are like,"What?
• 5:22
  That's your gift." your gifts are cool.
• 5:26
  Don't downplay them.
• 5:27
  Stop playing small.
• 5:30
  Remember who you are.
• 5:32
  Put your crown on, Not only do they remind you to put your crown on, but to bedazzle the hell out of that crown I literally had a friend say,"You don't need your crown straightened, you just need more jewels on it." That's the kind of women I want to be around, and that's the kind of power I want you to be around, too.
• 5:58
  And that's what this podcast is.
• 6:00
  It's a place where we straighten each other's crowns.
• 6:03
  We practice being in our gifts, in our light, in our remembrance.
• 6:12
  And that brings me to the story which I am so embarrassed to tell you today, but it's real and it's honest, and I wanna share it Stepping into my big dreams.
• 6:25
  For a long time, I felt really powerful.
• 6:28
  I built a career that forced me to stand in my power every day.
• 6:33
  Yes, I had a narcissist chewing in my ear telling me that I'm worthless, and I'm crazy, and nobody likes me.
• 6:40
  And at the same time, though, I had to step in.
• 6:43
  I was a leader.
• 6:44
  I was a teacher.
• 6:46
  I was trusting my ideas and pushing them forward.
• 6:51
  And then when that was severed and I had the beautiful opportunity to learn about myself for the past 10 years, spiritual shitshow, I was forced to really learn radical acceptance, radical forgiveness, what this means to come home to myself.
• 7:12
  And like I said, it's a practice.
• 7:14
  It is a daily practice But I've learned to seek perfection, and that unless other people see me a certain way, I will never be adequate enough last weekend I was at a gathering and I did something that I was so embarrassed by that I did it.
• 7:39
  I literally had my hands over my face in shame.
• 7:45
  My husband wanted to know what happened.
• 7:46
  I was like,"I can't talk about it.
• 7:47
  I just wish I didn't do it, and I wish it would just go away.
• 7:51
  I can't talk about it.
• 7:52
  I can't talk about it." I wanted what I did to just disappear And then I realized the lesson isn't avoiding the embarrassment It was facing this deep shame that I had about it.
• 8:09
  it literally, I was in shame all night and all the next day until I had to talk myself through it So on my manifesting list, I wanna be big.
• 8:23
  And this is a great time for me to practice that.
• 8:25
  I want to do intuitive soul sessions with as many people, and as many artists, and as many pop stars, and as many creatives, and as many highly empowered, rich women that I possibly can.
• 8:44
  I want to inspire and empower people to be in their power, and their magic, and their gifts, and I wanna get paid a fortune to do it.
• 8:59
  I wanna stand behind my brand and who I am authentically.
• 9:05
  I want to stop trying so hard, and proving my worth, and doubting myself I want to stop ultimately abandoning myself So here's the story.
• 9:22
  I'm at a gathering.
• 9:24
  There's a ton of highly intelligent people there.
• 9:27
  I catch myself trying to hold conversations with them and really wanting to put whatever word garbage just flew out of my mouth straight back into my mouth.
• 9:38
  Then I self-talk, and I'm like,"Julie, just be cool.
• 9:40
  Just listen.
• 9:40
  Just practice listening." Having a hard time being myself because the critic, my inner critic, becomes, like, popping up on, like, a pedestal right outside of me, and is watching me go down in flames.
• 9:57
  Also at this gathering is somebody who I want to work with at some capacity, ultimately just because I'm curious.
• 10:07
  I'm always curious about what the guides say.
• 10:09
  And I'm on this track of, I am manifesting high-achieving, highly creative clients.
• 10:19
  So at this gathering, noticing the critic there, waiting for me to go down in flames at any moment.
• 10:27
  My deeper self talking to myself like,"Julie, you got it.
• 10:30
  Just be yourself.
• 10:31
  You're cool.
• 10:32
  It's fine.
• 10:33
  don't overshare.
• 10:34
  Don't over-talk.
• 10:36
  Don't over anything.
• 10:37
  Don't embarrass yourself.
• 10:39
  For the love of God, whatever you don't embarrass yourself." At the end of the night, this person that I really wanted to talk to is now leaving.
• 10:48
  I don't even know what happened.
• 10:52
  This person is in their car about to leave.
• 10:56
  I run towards the car.
• 11:00
  I'm so out of my body.
• 11:02
  I'm knocking on the window.
• 11:05
  At the same time I'm knocking at the window and realizing what the fuck I'm doing, I'm like,"Oh my God, Julie, what the fuck are you doing right now?" But it's too late.
• 11:15
  Here I am.
• 11:15
  I've already chased after this person who is in their car ready to leave, and I am knocking on their window.
• 11:22
  They roll down the window.
• 11:24
  I place my hands out like I'm Jesus to them.
• 11:28
  They awkwardly place their hands in my hands because that's what I'm offering.
• 11:33
  I offer them, which this is the only saving grace, and I offer them a quick little soul snippet.
• 11:38
  guides came in and were like,"Tell him this." Or, and I don't have to do that.
• 11:42
  I didn't have to.
• 11:43
  That's so embarrassing, but of course, I did.
• 11:46
  So I'm delivering some fucking message that I don't even know what I even said, but I do know it was from the guides, so thank God for that.
• 11:53
  Then I come back to myself and my body, and I am so embarrassed.
• 12:02
  What the fuck is w- Julie, oh my God.
• 12:05
  Have you ever had that moment when you're like,"Why did I say that?""Why did I do that?
• 12:09
  I am so embarrassed." So that was my moment.
• 12:13
  I really hope that they don't talk and tell that to anybody, that I did that.
• 12:17
  I am s- I'm literally still very, quite embarrassed by it.
• 12:20
  Even though when I tell my friends, they're like,"It's not really that big of a deal." But I am embarrassed because I was trying so hard to be cool and, perfect and not crazy.
• 12:31
  So do you kinda see how the grooves of the past of being with somebody who is telling you're crazy all the time, and then the work that it takes to untangle yourself from that, and then the work that it takes to actually practice it?
• 12:45
  Oh my God.
• 12:47
  So that night, I'm like,"I- I'm so embarrassed." The next day, I'm so embarrassed.
• 12:52
  And then just, this powerful shame comes over me in my heart, and I'm like,"Okay, this isn't good." I don't wanna feel this shame.
• 13:01
  and what is this about?
• 13:03
  What is this about?
• 13:05
  So I place my hand on my heart And I'm like,"Okay, just breathe and just come back.
• 13:11
  what is really happening?
• 13:13
  What's really happening?" And What I realized is I have spent so much time trying to be perfect so that I don't have to hear those words again of,"You're not enough," or,"You're crazy," or,"You're unhinged," or,"You shouldn't have said that," or,"You're..." And I've been trying in this rebuilding of myself after my world fell apart to be perfect, to never be hurt again, and I'm missing the magic, and the magic is being myself.
• 13:47
  And the magic in my brand, if I even wanna call it a brand, is that.
• 13:52
  It's the messy, human, authentic realness.
• 13:56
  It's the practice of being human.
• 14:01
  it's the learning how to let yourself off the hook when you do embarrass yourself, or you do say that thing, or you do replay a scenario in your head over and over and over again, wishing that it didn't happen and you could have done it differently Everybody has had that experience But nobody really talks about it and more importantly, nobody talks how to get through it.
• 14:27
  How to forgive myself.
• 14:29
  And in this, it was like, oh, there's a big part of me that holds a lot of shame.
• 14:38
  All right, so let's sit with that.
• 14:39
  What's the shame about?
• 14:41
  The shame is that it's, is the shame goes back to never feeling smart enough, powerful enough, creative enough.
• 14:53
  The shame goes back to my inability to trust myself, my decisions.
• 15:02
  The shame goes back to when I get angry at myself for not listening to myself, for doubting myself The shame around,"You didn't listen to yourself and here you are.
• 15:15
  You're in this position.
• 15:17
  ah, ah." My inner critic is really big and my inner critic is really loud And to be able to see and acknowledge there's a lot of shame inside.
• 15:28
  So what do I do with that?
• 15:30
  Ah.
• 15:32
  What happens if you can love the wholeness of who you are, knowing you are never going to be perfect?
• 15:42
  It's impossible.
• 15:44
  Perfect by whose standards?
• 15:47
  Where's the practice?
• 15:48
  The practice is learning how to love yourself fully in all of the parts.
• 15:54
  The parts that are embarrassing, loving the parts of yourself that want to be big and have big dreams and wanna be Ariana Grande's, spiritual intuitive, support guide.
• 16:08
  The part that wants to work with big celebrities and support them in their big journeys.
• 16:15
  I wanna love that part.
• 16:17
  I love the part of me that has a big dream.
• 16:19
  I love the part of me that knows it might be a little unconventional to achieve that dream, and can I allow that to happen?
• 16:29
  I wanna love the part of me that likes to dance in the spiritual way more.
• 16:36
  I wanna love that person who can deliver the message, and I wanna trust it and stand behind it.
• 16:43
  I want to love the gifts that I have, and I wanna love how I offer them.
• 16:49
  I wanna love that I may not look like the typical spiritual guide or teacher And I want to love that I do it differently I want to love that I like to play and jump on trampolines and swing on the swings and walk outside barefoot and I don't want to have the fear of that being judged This is all part of the human experience.
• 17:13
  This is all part of coming home over and over and over and over and over again to practice loving yourself more and more if any of my story resonates I want to invite you to just place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly, and feel your feet on the ground, and take the deepest breath you've taken all day And just say,"I love myself.
• 17:43
  I love my story.
• 17:45
  I love who I am.
• 17:48
  I love how I am, and I'm gonna keep working on this love more and more every day." I love the part of me that is trying.
• 18:01
  I love the part of me that can get a little awkward.
• 18:05
  I love the part of me that also jumps in and wants to protect me.
• 18:12
  I love the part of me that took the risk I love the part of me that was brave enough to look foolish or be too eager I love the part of me That is trying And then just notice what happens in your body when you say that.
• 18:31
  "I love the part of me that was trying." I love the part of me that was eager.
• 18:37
  I love the part of me that said too much because she was practicing being in her power I love the part of me that jumped right into protection mode showing me strength And then just stay there for as long as you can And then offer yourself a lot of grace I've spent years trying to become more confident, more perfect, more powerful, and maybe what I've actually been craving is the feeling of not leaving myself every time I do something embarrassing and not shrinking myself because I feel like I'm not ready yet or professional enough yet Every day I am building trust and confidence and love and freedom within myself So if you embarrass yourself this week or if you have done something or said something that you might regret or you wish you would've done it differently, I want you to put your hand on your heart because before you allow yourself to fill with shame and guilt and regret Ask yourself, can I just stay?
• 19:47
  Can I stay here with this version of me too?
• 19:52
  Because the little girl inside of you doesn't need another self-help book.
• 19:57
  She doesn't need another thing to fix or prove.
• 20:01
  she just needs someone to look at her after she did the weird thing and say,"I'm not going anywhere.
• 20:09
  You're cool.
• 20:11
  You're amazing.
• 20:13
  I love you." And then allow yourself to receive that same type of love.
• 20:18
  You are cool, amazing practicing being a human daily, and that's what I love.
• 20:25
  So can we offer ourselves way more grace, way more love?
• 20:30
  Thanks for listening.
• 20:33
  See you next time