Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #109 What Would Batman Do?

Transcript

#109 What Would Batman Do? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm doctor Justin
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  Speaker 1: Colson and I'm joined by Luke and Susie husband wife
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  Speaker 1: radio team, three young boys. Today. Well, it's all about
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  Speaker 1: how we're going in Australia. We seem to have dodged,
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  Speaker 1: at least at this stage the worst of COVID nineteen,
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  Speaker 1: at least from an illness perspective, but the impact that
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  Speaker 1: it's having on people's lives from an economic and social
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  Speaker 1: perspective is big. Had a conversation with a friend recently
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  Speaker 1: whose business has completely evaporated. In fact, I've had several
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  Speaker 1: conversations with people whose livelihoods have utterly disappeared, sadly tragically.
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  Speaker 1: I've also had conversations with people who have lost loved
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  Speaker 1: ones to suicide. Because at least in part of the
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  Speaker 1: challenges caused by social isolation or financial distress, extraordinary financial distress,
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  Speaker 1: as businesses are closing and people are literally losing everything.
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  Speaker 1: And so we decided that we needed to talk about
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  Speaker 1: some of the challenges that come into this conversation. We
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  Speaker 1: won't get too heavy, I promised, in fact, to kick
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  Speaker 1: it off Susy reflected on a funny exchange that the
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  Speaker 1: three of us had when we opened our zoom connection
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  Speaker 1: and chatted prior to recording.
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  Speaker 2: You asked us how we're going, and you let us
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  Speaker 2: just tell you everything that's going on. But did you
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  Speaker 2: notice we didn't ask you back?
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  Speaker 3: Justin?
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  Speaker 1: I did notice that, But that's okay. That's what I do.
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  Speaker 1: I listened to people as they tell me how hard
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  Speaker 1: their lives are. I'm okay with it.
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  Speaker 4: I actually, at the moment he asked and we started answering,
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  Speaker 4: I thought to myself, we need to ask him back.
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  Speaker 3: I wonder how he's going.
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  Speaker 4: I won't know, but he's a professional psychologist, so I'm
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  Speaker 4: just going to take this as free therapy.
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  Speaker 2: Do people take that for granted that you are presumably
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  Speaker 2: fine because you have strategies to manage at this time?
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  Speaker 1: Justin, I've never really thought about it much. I just
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  Speaker 1: figured the whole world was selfish except me. I'm just kidding.
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  Speaker 2: The challenge of the time is that COVID nineteen, the isolation.
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  Speaker 2: Everything that's going on is a common human experience. Everybody
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  Speaker 2: is facing the same thing. And I saw someone talk
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  Speaker 2: about the fact that we are not in the same boat.
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  Speaker 2: We're in the same storm. But given that we are
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  Speaker 2: in the same storm, it's not like we can complain
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  Speaker 2: because everybody else's complaint is the same. What do we
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  Speaker 2: do justin Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Everybody's kind of under threat, I guess, and I use
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  Speaker 1: the word threat in a really general way. We're under
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  Speaker 1: threat from the point of view that we're worried and
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  Speaker 1: stressed about the same sorts of things. Maybe not everybody's
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  Speaker 1: losing a job, orthough a heck of a lot of
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  Speaker 1: people are, But a lot of people are worried about
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  Speaker 1: what's going on with school and their children adapting to
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  Speaker 1: life at home and then readapting to life at school.
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  Speaker 1: And you know, you've got all of these challenges where
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  Speaker 1: we're in isolation. We don't know what's coming next. We
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  Speaker 1: don't know if we can go on a holiday with
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  Speaker 1: our family at Christmas time. There's so much unknown and
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  Speaker 1: what we normally do when we're facing the unknown, as
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  Speaker 1: we reach out to someone and say, hey, what would
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  Speaker 1: you do in this situation, I'm a little bit stuck.
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  Speaker 1: We call that psychological distance. You know, the person we're
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  Speaker 1: talking to, because they're not in what we're in, they're
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  Speaker 1: able to see things with more perspective, with more rationality
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  Speaker 1: and objectivity, which means they sound so wise because we're
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  Speaker 1: so emotional and unable to think for ourselves. But because everybody's,
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  Speaker 1: like I said, under threat, everybody's feeling some version of
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  Speaker 1: what is going on with this global pandemic. No matter
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  Speaker 1: who you talk to, there's that sense of unease, that
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  Speaker 1: sense of discomfort, that sense of lack of certainty. And
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  Speaker 1: so what I think we really need to be able
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  Speaker 1: to do is start to rely on what's going on
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  Speaker 1: inside ourselves and create a sense of psychological distance intrinsically,
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  Speaker 1: because the reality is we can't rely on the people
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  Speaker 1: around us.
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  Speaker 3: And that's not because they don't want to be there.
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  Speaker 4: It's as much because of we don't feel that they're
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  Speaker 4: not necessarily offering that in the same way we second
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  Speaker 4: guess everything, or we.
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  Speaker 3: Don't want to be the winds when they're going through
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  Speaker 3: it as well.
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  Speaker 1: Well, that's right, we want to be sensitive to their ccumstances,
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  Speaker 1: but we also recognize that even though we're all in
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  Speaker 1: the same storm. I love that metaphor, Susy, everybody is
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  Speaker 1: experiencing it in a slightly different way, but everybody's experiencing it,
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  Speaker 1: and that's the great challenge. It's not that they don't
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  Speaker 1: want to help, it's just that when you're all in
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  Speaker 1: it together, it can be hard to create the distance.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that's something that I can be really
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  Speaker 1: useful for in helping people to create that distance. Step
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  Speaker 1: away and take a breath, see things rationally, and then
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  Speaker 1: dive back into the fray in an effective and useful way.
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  Speaker 4: So some people have accused me of my life of
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  Speaker 4: being psychologically and emotionally distanced from other people, But how do.
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  Speaker 3: I do it from myself? Justin how the heck do
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  Speaker 3: we pull that off?
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  Speaker 1: Well, I want to use a parenting strategy first, and
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  Speaker 1: then we'll apply it to us as grown ups. So
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  Speaker 1: there was a really clever bit of research done a
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  Speaker 1: handful of years ago over in the United States where
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  Speaker 1: some researchers sat down with kids and ask them about
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  Speaker 1: their favorite superhero. Then they induced a degree of uncertainty,
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  Speaker 1: you might even say, some worry or stress. They gave
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  Speaker 1: the kids these challenging vignettes and scenarios to kind of
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  Speaker 1: work through. They gave half of them the question, well,
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  Speaker 1: what would you do in this situation? They asked the
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  Speaker 1: other kids, what would your favorite superhero do? So let's
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  Speaker 1: just say the superhero was Batman. They said, what would
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  Speaker 1: Batman do in this situation? And the circumstances might have
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  Speaker 1: been having a hard time at home with a parent
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  Speaker 1: or a sibling, or struggling at school with an exam,
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  Speaker 1: or just every day run of them, all kinds of things.
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  Speaker 1: And what happened was that the children who thought about
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  Speaker 1: what Batman would do, they created a degree of psychological
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  Speaker 1: distance that helped them to come up with more creative
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  Speaker 1: and more useful solutions to the challenging situations they were
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  Speaker 1: in than the children who were just imagining what they
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  Speaker 1: would do in that situation themselves. In other words, imagining
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  Speaker 1: what Batman would do helps us to see things from
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  Speaker 1: a different perspective and usually come up with the more
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  Speaker 1: useful way forward. It doesn't just work with kids, though,
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  Speaker 1: it works with us as grown ups. So look, I'm
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  Speaker 1: not going to ask you know, what would Batman do?
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  Speaker 1: But I might say, too, you think about somebody that's
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  Speaker 1: really level and balance that you look to as an example,
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  Speaker 1: what would they do in this situation? And can you
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  Speaker 1: channel that person?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: Balance, I was just trying to look for sues. But
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  Speaker 3: then I know, maybe that's not that's interesting. It's an
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  Speaker 3: interesting thing and even.
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  Speaker 4: Just down to who would I choose, who do I
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  Speaker 4: want to be in this circumstance?
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  Speaker 3: Who would I reach out to this? And that's a
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  Speaker 3: fascinating thing.
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  Speaker 1: Well. See, the other really cool thing about this particular
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  Speaker 1: psychological distancing strategy is that I can give you a
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  Speaker 1: list of all the different things that you need to
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  Speaker 1: do when you're feeling under pressure to you know, step one,
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  Speaker 1: step two, step three, step four, so that you can
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  Speaker 1: deal with the circumstances in an effective way. But once
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  Speaker 1: you're in the circumstances, you forget those steps because there's
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  Speaker 1: so much pressure. Whereas when I just say, think about
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  Speaker 1: it now now. For me, Wally Goddard is a mentor
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  Speaker 1: of mine. He's a professor of family life development over
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  Speaker 1: in a university in the United States, and he's guided
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  Speaker 1: me so well for so many years. And so I
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  Speaker 1: just on my inner Wally, I think, what would Wally
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  Speaker 1: do right now?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I've chaneled my inn for many years. Different Wally,
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  Speaker 3: I'm assuming.
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  Speaker 1: And what it does is it makes it really simple
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  Speaker 1: for me to just step into almost his character and
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  Speaker 1: it helps me to be rational and calm and level.
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  Speaker 1: Now there's an extension or an alternative version of this,
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  Speaker 1: and I've had many parents say this to me, so please.
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  Speaker 1: This is not an ego thing from my perspective, it's
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  Speaker 1: just a useful strategy that people do to create some
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  Speaker 1: psychological distance when it comes to dealing with challenges with
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  Speaker 1: our children. For example, we tend to treat them differently
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  Speaker 1: in the shopping center to how we treat them in
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  Speaker 1: the living room. Yes, imagine that you've got an audience
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  Speaker 1: in your living room. A lot of people say, justin
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  Speaker 1: I just imagine that you're in the living room watching
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  Speaker 1: me discipline my children, and it changes everything about the
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  Speaker 1: way I interact with them. Once again, we're creating some
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  Speaker 1: psychological distance.
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  Speaker 2: But it's like we take more responsibility for thinking through
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  Speaker 2: our actions more when we do that. When we're it's
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  Speaker 2: conscious of people watching us, we do take a little
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  Speaker 2: bit more time, take a breath and kind of think
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  Speaker 2: what actually is going to look good here, as opposed
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  Speaker 2: to just kind of going for the easiest thing to
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  Speaker 2: do at the time, which isn't necessarily best for us.
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  Speaker 2: For example, dealing with overwhelming stress, it's probably not best
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  Speaker 2: to just sit down in front of Netflix, because it's
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  Speaker 2: not going to instill any value or worth into you.
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  Speaker 1: It's not. But let's face it, Susie, sometimes it feels
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  Speaker 1: really good to do that, and you know and I
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  Speaker 1: know that sometimes that is just what we need as
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  Speaker 1: a pressure valve release. But both of us also know
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  Speaker 1: that if we use that as our consistent go to
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  Speaker 1: strategy today and tomorrow on the day after, we're going
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  Speaker 1: to end up ruining ourselves and our families. We've got
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  Speaker 1: to come up with better strategies. I mean, I actually
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  Speaker 1: got the initial idea before I went into the research
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  Speaker 1: on this, from listening to a podcast about a military
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  Speaker 1: commander who talked about in the heat of a battle,
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  Speaker 1: literally in the heat of the battle, the person who's
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  Speaker 1: the commanding officer needs to try to get to higher
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  Speaker 1: ground or try to move at least a couple of
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  Speaker 1: meters back from the battle to see things a different
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  Speaker 1: perspective and be able to think about the best strategy
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  Speaker 1: to employ moving forward. In other words, they get out
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  Speaker 1: of the moment somehow literally physically moving themselves backwards. And
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  Speaker 1: we can't always do that when we're dealing with the
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  Speaker 1: challenges that COVID nineteen's presenting for us emotionally and psychologically.
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  Speaker 1: We can't do that in a physical way, but we
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  Speaker 1: can do it by imagining what Batman would do, or
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  Speaker 1: channeling our inner Wally, or imagining that there's a parenting
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  Speaker 1: expert in our lund room watching us as we deal
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  Speaker 1: with a challenging child who has.
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  Speaker 4: Thought that WWJD had some psychological distancing benefits.
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  Speaker 3: The old what would Jesus do? Maybe Kreig was all
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  Speaker 3: about psychological distancing.
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  Speaker 1: Justice and I love that because and I've had a
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  Speaker 1: number of people who've got strong faith backgrounds use that
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  Speaker 1: analogy as well, and I think it's a really really
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  Speaker 1: useful one. If you've got a faith background, regardless of
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  Speaker 1: where you're coming from or how you're doing it, if
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  Speaker 1: we can channel our inner faith foundation, if we can
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  Speaker 1: channel that inner person that we look to as an example,
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  Speaker 1: we're simply going to be better people because of it.
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  Speaker 1: And we don't have to memorize the steps. We just
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  Speaker 1: have to step into that persona and it changes the
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  Speaker 1: way we relate to other people.
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  Speaker 3: Well, what would JC do? What would do? Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: I have those initials.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, Yeah, it's interesting. It's counterintuitive that that something like
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  Speaker 2: that something so simple as sort of trying to put
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  Speaker 2: someone else's shoes on is actually kind to ourselves in
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  Speaker 2: a beautiful way. Thank you, justin appreciate the advice.
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  Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the podcast and found it helpful, it
• 10:32
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• 10:34
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• 10:37
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• 10:41
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• 10:44
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• 10:48
  Speaker 1: to leave a review just like Clemo did, who said
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: practical advice for improving the family, some great ideas for
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: developing better relationships with your kids. Or Andrea, who said
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  Speaker 1: I loved the podcast from the beginning, but since it's
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: become the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: wants answers now, it's made it even easier for me
• 11:07
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• 11:09
  Speaker 1: advice and information shared, along with the stories and examples
• 11:12
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  Speaker 1: Love it all five star reviews. Really appreciate those coming through.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you so much to Andrea, Lorna and Clemo for
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: those reviews. If you'd like more information about how I
• 11:24
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• 11:26
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