Latest / Life Lived Better / Episode 151: Finding Your People, Part 1

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Episode 151: Finding Your People, Part 1 · Life Lived Better

0:03
Hi, this is Paula. And I'm Joseph, and you're
0:05
listening to Life Lived Better. Welcome back to the Life Live
0:12
Better podcast, where your space for self discovery, mental
0:15
Wellness and personal growth. And as always, we are so
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grateful that you've joined us for this episode.
0:20
But before we jump into our topic, I want to check in with
0:24
Joseph and see what's going on. Oh man, Busy, busy, busy we've.
0:28
Been a while since we've been together for one.
0:31
It has been, it has been lost my dad in May.
0:35
And so we have been off of our schedule and I apologize to you
0:41
and to our listeners. It's just been a, it's been a
0:45
lot going on and just kind of trying to adjust and then just,
0:49
you know, get back into the swing of things with work and
0:52
trying to distract myself with hanging out with friends and
0:56
have lots of lovely people taking us to dinner and doing
0:59
all kinds of sweet things. So it's been just busy, busy,
1:02
busy. Yeah, good to be busy.
1:04
I'm so sorry for your the loss of your dad and I know our
1:07
listeners feel the same way. That's just always such a big
1:10
life event. Yeah, it's pretty.
1:13
It's pretty unexpected and pretty sad, so.
1:17
I'm glad I got to meet him. Yeah, yeah, he was.
1:20
He was good people. Yeah.
1:22
How are things with you? Things are good busy just like
1:25
you, you know, we are in our summer months and I only I teach
1:29
only online though, so that kind of changes my what I have what I
1:34
do with my time. I'm doing a big huge house purge
1:38
right now. I've made a promise to myself to
1:40
purge 50% of the stuff in my environment just because it is
1:46
not of use. It doesn't serve me and I'm
1:49
doing well so far and then I guess the other huge thing is my
1:52
son graduated law school so excited graduated with honors.
1:57
That was something I didn't even know.
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I knew he'd won a few awards, but I didn't know that till we
2:01
got there and moved back to Texas.
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But I was so excited, I never been to a law school graduation
2:08
and they had an amazing one. They had like bagpipes brought
2:13
them in and at the end they sent off these huge confetti cannons
2:18
and they just the, the one of the people who gave one of the
2:22
speeches, they said to the students like 3 years ago when
2:25
y'all got here, y'all came full of hopes and dreams and we tried
2:29
to beat it out of you. And you're going to need what
2:34
you learned through getting through this because now, in the
2:37
10 weeks following graduation, they study 60 hours a week for
2:42
the bar. Wow.
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And at the end of July, he'll take the bar.
2:46
And that's a big deal. You know, you with a law degree,
2:50
you have a doctorate degree. So I guess you can be called
2:54
doctor, but you don't can't do anything.
2:57
You have to, you know, pass the bar to be an attorney, you know,
3:00
So it is a big, big deal. Yeah, well, I'm sure he will do
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fantastic. I believe he will.
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I remember both of us took a licensing test that, you know,
3:11
without we can't practice and do what we do.
3:13
So I get the stress of that. It's hard to remember.
3:17
You'll you'll do fine and you know the information when you're
3:20
prepping for that kind of stuff. Yeah, I remember that exam we
3:24
did. It was.
3:26
It was brutal. Did you have to take the oral
3:28
exam? I did.
3:30
I did. Don't you think everyone should
3:32
have to do that? I do, I do.
3:34
And now that they don't, I'm kind of like, that's not fair.
3:37
I know I'm like, I had to throw up in front of 13.
3:40
I mean, you know, a panel full of judges.
3:44
Why not you 2? Yeah, judges trained to give you
3:47
no expressions or feedback or like, terrible, terrible.
3:51
After, after all that time, now that I know those were other
3:55
licensed counselors that I'm like you, you acted like you
4:00
were so good and better than me. Yeah.
4:05
Anyway, I know it's been a while since we've recorded, so I guess
4:09
I'd better get back to what we're here for.
4:11
So what are we talking about today?
4:14
Well, today we have a very interesting topic, something
4:17
that sounds, you know, a little simple on the surface.
4:20
But, you know, as we become adults, this is something that
4:23
gets more and more complicated, and so we're going to be talking
4:26
a little bit about how we make friends as an adult.
4:31
This may be one of those topics where people hear it and
4:33
immediately think, oh, good, you know, it's not just me.
4:36
But I didn't think about it till one day I was having a
4:40
conversation with my son and we talked about it.
4:42
And then recently in a counseling group that I
4:45
facilitate, somebody brought it up like, you know, and I thought
4:48
I'd love that, you know, because when we're younger, I think our
4:51
friendships kind of feel built into the structure of our lives
4:55
because because you know, you go to school, you have classmates,
4:58
teammates in college, you have roommates, neighbors, youth
5:02
groups, all that kind of stuff. And you know, we have Co
5:06
workers, but you know, and those are places that we can see the
5:10
same people over and over. And that may promote
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friendships, but you know it as an adult adult, we just don't
5:18
always have the built in friendship.
5:20
Mine, yeah. And you know, when when we
5:23
become adults, like it's, it's suddenly becomes, I think a
5:26
little bit more complicated because it requires us to, you
5:29
know, move into things with intention and scheduling.
5:32
And then there's like emotional risk and then we have to follow
5:35
through. We're tired.
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We're exhausted from working, families, children.
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So, you know, it takes a lot to really kind of balance
5:45
friendships and life as we become adults.
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And so, you know, I don't know about you, but like my time is
5:52
precious. And so I think I love my
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friends. I have a huge group of friends
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that, you know, we're very active and I love that.
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But you know, I still love my downtime.
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But I've learned over the years that it's important to schedule
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time with your friends. Like you have to make effort in
6:08
those relationships. I know you and I talk about
6:10
getting together all the time and I'm the worst about making
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if. You're not, I'm busy, is just as
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many. No, it's crazy.
6:18
You think we lived on the opposite sides of the plane and
6:21
we're not that far away from one another?
6:23
Yeah, I know I was in the town you live in, you know, last week
6:27
and I, I lived in that area. I actually lived in Dallas, but
6:32
just, you know, across the freeway and I worked in that
6:37
area. And that whole area just kind of
6:40
made me, always makes me bring back all the memories of when I
6:43
lived and worked there. And I thought about my one of my
6:46
roommates and I would, I loved her.
6:48
We were very close friends and we haven't seen each other in 20
6:52
years. So I just reached out to her and
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I'm like, I hadn't seen you in forever and I was here and I
6:57
just was thinking about us and how would you like to have
7:01
lunch? And and then I was like, oh, I
7:03
want to do that. But like what?
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How does like 3 months from now sound?
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You know, we're going to squeeze it in as soon as she tells me
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the date. She has to consult her calendar,
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you know, but. Yeah, yeah.
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It's difficult. It's also difficult.
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Like I'm, I lost that friendship and it was important to me
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because I didn't nurture it. And you know, I want to.
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It takes so much, so much energy to do it.
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Yeah, it really does. It really does.
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And, you know, between work and family, caregiving, marriage,
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parenting, you know, health issues and just, you know, plain
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old, like exhaustion, friendships can really start to
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feel like, you know, something that's, you know, can be almost
7:42
like a burden, something we have to put on our To Do List.
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But the truth is it's not just, you know, one more thing we need
7:49
to do. Friendships are really they,
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they deeply connect us on a mental level, on an emotional
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level. They help with our resilience
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and, you know, even our sense of identity sometimes.
8:00
That's really true. The good ones really do.
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So today, let's talk about why friends isn't making friends as
8:09
an adult can be so hard. Why it matters.
8:12
You know, what can get in our way and, and some realistic ways
8:15
to begin building connections again.
8:18
And I, I think it's important that we make clear from the
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very, very beginning, like if you struggle with adult
8:23
friendships, that doesn't mean that something's wrong with you.
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It's actually pretty typical. And I think, you know, we're,
8:31
we're all humans. And so, you know, it's sometimes
8:34
there's like a season of our life where our connections have
8:36
to be rebuilt and, you know, we have to be intentional about
8:39
that. And I think, you know, one thing
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I always think about is like in relationships, when you get into
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a relationship, oftentimes your friendships kind of fall to the
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side for a while. And it's the same thing when you
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get married or, you know, life just gets busy.
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And so you have to start making an effort to reconnect with
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people. But I think sometimes it happens
9:00
organically, but other times we have to really work at it and
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understand like the payoff for the work that we're putting in.
9:07
Well, so in the content part, let's start with the reason
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adult friendships feel so different from childhood or or
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young adult friendships. The number one reason we found
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is that proximity is the biggest issue.
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You know, when we're younger, we're repeatedly placed near the
9:25
same people and we see them in class and practice and dorms and
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anything and in our neighborhood.
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So proximity is a big deal. And we're, you know, repeated
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exposure really matters. A lot of friendships are built
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through, you know, just ordinary contact, not one big emotional
9:43
conversation, but all, all the small moments like, you know,
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sitting with each other, joking around, sharing a lunch, maybe
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walking to class, studying, complaining about things,
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complaining about your loved ones, complaining about your
9:55
relationships, complaining about a television show that you've
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been watching. Like, because friendship kind of
10:00
grows out of familiarity, you know, we kind of start with a,
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hey, I know that person, then I like that person and I trust
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that person and eventually that person matters to me.
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Yeah. And adulthood, you know, the,
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the interactions, a casual interaction just kind of start
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to disappear. And it becomes more about your
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jobs and, you know, your families tend to spread out and,
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you know, scheduling gets complicated.
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And, you know, if you work remotely, you're retired, you go
10:27
through a divorce, become a caregiver, you know, move to a
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new city, you know, you naturally start to kind of lose
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contact and your contacts tend to shrink dramatically over
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time. And I think we can't forget to
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realize we're still kind of reeling from what happened to us
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during that whole social distancing thing.
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I think people are just now kind of like just thirsty for
10:54
connection again. And I see it everywhere.
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And one another reason we found that adult friendships are
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harder than then when we're younger is that we're carrying
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more emotional history now. You know, by adulthood, most of
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most of us have had a few painful relationship
11:14
experiences. And we may have had a friendship
11:17
that ended badly. You know, we might have been
11:20
betrayed. We might have had that
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experience of a group that excluded us or some season of
11:26
our life when we really felt rejected.
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And maybe we were the friend who gave too much and felt used, or
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we opened up to somebody and they didn't handle it well, and
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maybe we don't want to do that again.
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No, I mean, if you experience any of those things, they're all
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negative situations, right? And so it's going to make you
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cautious. It's going to make you, you
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know, really careful with, you know, who you invest in and what
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kind of time you spend. So, you know, it's, it's really
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sometimes about protecting ourselves overall.
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And that's important. You know, sometimes what looks
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like I don't care about making friends is actually I'm afraid
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to try again. And that's a different place.
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Yeah, and you could even be thinking like, I don't know how
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to start over, or I'm tired of being the one who always reaches
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out. I certainly have felt that way
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when friendships where it's like you're the one that's always
12:16
making the effort. I did that with another close
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someone I consider to be a very very close friend.
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I realized like I was the one doing all the reaching out and
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so I stopped and I haven't heard from that person and isn't good
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amount of time. That's painful.
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I think part of it too, though, is like, you know, social media
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because we feel like we're in contact with people because
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we're liking their photos and we're seeing what they're doing.
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And, you know, maybe we're commenting on stuff and it's
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like we feel like there's some interaction, but then it's like
12:47
a year or two between actual like real live conversations or
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seeing each other. So I think that plays a big
12:53
role. Yeah, we feel like we know
12:55
everything about their life and keeping up with them, and we
12:58
know a little problem. I think that hits a lot of
13:01
people because I don't think we can talk about adult friendships
13:04
without talking about loneliness.
13:06
Lion and it's important to remember that loneliness is not
13:09
the same thing as being alone. Some people enjoy solitude and
13:13
solitude can be very restorative.
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I'm a person that needs downtime and, and solitude and I, you
13:19
know, I think it makes me a better person, definitely makes
13:22
me better in my relationship. And my husband understands,
13:25
like, if I get some downtime, I'm much better person to be
13:29
around. So it's something that can be
13:31
really peaceful and it can really help you, you know,
13:34
reconnect with yourself. I agree my husband enjoy
13:38
solitude. We, we talked recently about if
13:40
we sold this house and moved to like where he's from, which is
13:44
much less expensive, we could buy a nice house.
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We could live near the water. He said all this.
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I said we would know no one. And he said that sounds perfect
13:52
to me. Like, not me.
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I need people and I just, I need people.
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And, you know, loneliness is different than solitude.
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Loneliness is painful. And it means that our need for
14:04
connection is not being met. And that's a human need.
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And it's weird that you can feel lonely, like in a crowded room
14:13
of people. You can feel lonely in your
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marriage, in your relationship. You can feel lonely at work.
14:19
We can even feel lonely, like surrounded by people who know
14:23
you on the surface, but not maybe on a deep level, you know,
14:28
just kind of like a surface. What do they say?
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Like an acquaintance or associates.
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My clients will say I have associates.
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They've not been talking about drug connections.
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I don't know. That's a real important
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distinction to make, actually. I mean, I think sometimes people
14:45
wonder why they feel so lonely when they're surrounded by
14:48
people all the time, But contact isn't necessarily connection.
14:53
No. And we, we have all kinds of
14:55
interactions without really feeling known.
14:58
And, you know, adult loneliness can really carry a lot of shame.
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People may think that they have become too old not to have
15:06
friends or that if everyone else already has their people, they
15:10
should too. And that's something that I
15:12
think I struggled with. And I, I shared this before, but
15:15
during Covad, like we kind of developed this little core group
15:19
that, you know, we all felt safe kind of spending time together
15:21
and hanging out. And then since COVID, some of
15:24
those folks have kind of gone and moved and done their own
15:26
things. And then, you know, my, my
15:28
friend circle has increased substantially in the last couple
15:32
of years just from like being at a bar and like, you know, at an
15:37
outside patio bar and somebody wanting to like stand at our
15:41
table. And that turned in like
15:43
literally for my really close friends we met just standing at
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a table on the patio bar, you know, and now we hang out all
15:51
the time, pool parties and get togethers.
15:54
And it's just like our circle has expanded.
15:55
And, you know, it's, it's you, you have to let go of the shame
15:59
and you have to just be willing to put yourself out there.
16:02
And I think that's such an important piece as like walking
16:05
through that feeling of, you know, fear, if you will.
16:09
I'm impressed. I think you and Polo like
16:11
intentionally socialize and that's, I think, impressive.
16:15
I don't do it enough anymore. And yeah, it's, it's just I'm in
16:19
there sometimes. And I think some people think if
16:22
they had admit that they're lonely, they'll sound needy.
16:25
And we don't want to be needy or clingy.
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And I think it's important to know that needing connection
16:31
isn't neediness. It really is human.
16:35
And we are wired for connection. Like I always tell people that's
16:39
one of those core pieces of us is that, you know, social
16:43
interaction. And people oftentimes will say,
16:45
no, I'm not a social person. But it's like you, you are
16:48
social. You may not recognize yourself
16:51
as being so sure. You may not be as social as
16:53
someone you know if you're comparing yourself to someone
16:56
else. But we are social creatures.
16:59
And so we need that interaction. We need people.
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And being social doesn't mean 10 people.
17:04
I mean, it just made two really important people, you know, So
17:08
if friendship provides us something unique in our lives,
17:11
you know, it's different than a romance.
17:13
It's different than our parents or children or our professional
17:16
relationships. Even our family friendship gives
17:19
us kind of a place to be chosen, you know, not because somebody
17:22
has to choose us, but that they want.
17:25
To choose us, that's powerful and it's important to remember
17:30
the healthy friendships are about people who enjoy one
17:32
another. You value one another, and you
17:35
genuinely want to spend part of your life together as friends.
17:39
Like that's, you know, those are the type of relationships you
17:42
want to invest in. Yeah, I mean, for a lot of
17:45
adults, I mean, especially in the seasons of transitions,
17:48
grief, parenting, divorce, recovery, retirement, career
17:51
trains, all these things we go to go through in life.
17:54
And friendship can kind of become a major protective factor
17:59
for us that a friendship will give us our support through
18:01
those those times. Definitely.
18:03
And you know, it's, it's important to remember that
18:06
making friends as an adult, it can feel awkward.
18:09
So, you know, let's just be honest about that.
18:12
It can feel awkward. Yeah, it can, because there's no
18:15
official script on how to do it. Right.
18:17
And it's really different from dating.
18:19
You know, when you're dating, there's at least like a cultural
18:22
script, if you will. And you, you know, when you ask
18:25
someone out, you go on a date, you see if there's chemistry.
18:29
You, you know, there's kind of like questions that you ask
18:31
you've, you know, it's your it's just a different experience.
18:36
I think you're, you know, getting to know someone.
18:38
But, you know, I think we can date our friends.
18:41
Yeah. And you know, I'm thinking
18:42
there's apps too to date. Are there apps just for
18:45
friendship? I don't even know.
18:46
I think so. I think, I think there are
18:49
actually, I can't think of what I want to say.
18:53
Bumble for friends or something like that.
18:56
That's I'm glad, I'm glad they exist, you know, cuz a friend, a
18:59
friendship can feel strange to say to another person like I
19:03
like you. Do you want to go to coffee and
19:05
see if we can become meaningful platonic companions?
19:09
Right. I think I'm lucky in that case
19:12
because too, you know, Polo is very, very social and he does
19:16
not have a problem talking to people, introducing himself to
19:19
people. And you know, he's just
19:21
constantly meeting somebody new. It's kind of a joke between our
19:24
within our friend groups like, you know, Polo will, Polo will
19:28
take care of it. Polo, introduce us.
19:31
That's awesome. He's the network man.
19:33
Exactly. Oftentimes, you know, adults
19:36
don't really know how to move from friendship from like
19:39
acquaintances to friends because that is kind of a shift that
19:42
happens from kind of a service level to getting to know someone
19:45
on a deeper level. So you may talk to someone at
19:48
work or church or the gym, a class, you know, maybe a kids
19:51
event or a neighborhood gathering.
19:53
But we don't really know how to take the next step in order to
19:57
kind of turn turn that into a friendship.
20:00
Yeah, that is so true. And it might be because there's
20:03
a moment of vulnerability that we have to initiate and that can
20:07
bring up a lot of fear, you know, of rejection or seeming
20:10
needy or too eager or awkward or whatever.
20:14
I noticed on the neighborhood app that we use some, a woman
20:18
recently just said, are there any other women out there that
20:22
would be interested in like a monthly get together?
20:25
You know, just like people who would like to start social
20:28
friendships, you know, with other women who are just out
20:31
there in the area. If I organize something like
20:34
that, would y'all attend? And at last glance there were
20:37
over 100 women saying I would love that.
20:40
I would love that that that, that says a lot, I think.
20:44
That's awesome. Yeah.
20:45
People are craving the social interaction, like you said.
20:48
So, you know, something else that we may think sometimes is
20:51
that the person maybe already has enough friends.
20:53
You know, they're probably, they're probably good.
20:55
They're probably solid. So, you know, they're not.
20:57
They're not really worried about one more.
20:59
Well, all of our fears and beliefs kind of keep us from
21:03
reaching out, you know, We just assume everyone's already got
21:06
going on all the social stuff, like you said.
21:09
And, you know, deep down, I think there are a lot of people
21:12
out there that are quietly hoping that someone will invite
21:15
them. You know that they want to be
21:17
part of things and you know, you don't.
21:20
You hear people talking about things maybe at work and events
21:22
and things like that, and you want to invite yourself, but you
21:26
don't feel comfortable inviting yourself feels awkward.
21:29
So, you know, go out of your way to invite someone to do
21:32
something like start that group like you mentioned.
21:34
That's that's a great thing. Yeah, we probably ought to keep
21:37
it in our mind that there's probably a lot of adults walking
21:40
around wishing they had more close friends but thinking
21:43
nobody else feels that way, so everybody probably wants it.
21:46
That reminds me so much of like, an inner child of like, oh, I
21:49
hope they invite me to, yeah. Well, and while everybody's
21:53
waiting, nobody's making any connections.
21:56
You have to, you have to step out.
21:58
You have to put yourself out there.
22:00
We have to remember that friendships don't just instantly
22:04
form. We sometimes expect them to just
22:07
feel immediate, like chemistry, and sometimes it does.
22:11
I, I felt like that with you. Not always does it, though.
22:14
You know, every now and then you meet someone and think, oh,
22:17
we're going to be friends, you know?
22:19
But most adult friendships grow pretty slowly.
22:22
Yeah, and they grow from, like, repeated contacts, so shared
22:27
experiences and gradually kind of increasing trust over time,
22:31
which means, you know, one coffee doesn't have to decide
22:34
everything. That's not like the make it or
22:36
break it. I always tell people, you know,
22:38
try something two or three times before you decide it's not for
22:41
you. That applies to friendships as
22:43
well. Yeah, like 1 slightly awkward
22:45
lunch doesn't mean there's. No potential there, right?
22:49
Most first Hangouts, they are a little awkward, right?
22:52
Really are, aren't they? Aren't we all sometimes just
22:55
anxious adolescents on the inside just trying to figure out
22:58
our rhythm and humor and values and conversations and comfort
23:02
level? Like I want to say something but
23:03
I got to make sure it sounds OK. Right.
23:06
You don't want to say anything silly, but you know,
23:09
friendships, they really require like a warm up period.
23:11
So it's not, you know, sometimes we give up really too soon
23:15
because we don't feel that, you know, magical instinct
23:18
connection. And sometimes I've had
23:19
friendships like this where it's just been kind of a slow grow.
23:22
And, you know, maybe initially you feel like it was awkward and
23:26
you didn't really have any flow in the conversation.
23:29
But then you get another opportunity and it's it's
23:31
different. You know, you don't, you don't
23:33
ever know what's going on with someone.
23:34
Sometimes people can just be having an off day or you can be
23:36
having an off day. I think friendships need
23:38
consistency before they feel natural, and so that's why
23:42
recurring activities can be helpful.
23:44
So maybe a class walking group, someone volunteering somewhere,
23:49
joining a book club if you're in recovery, making sure you go to
23:52
a meeting and they're even like professional groups, networking
23:56
groups, and even your faith community or a hobby group.
23:59
Just anything where you can see some the same people repeatedly.
24:04
Yeah, and, you know, repeated contact does some of the work
24:07
for us. So when we, you know, see
24:09
someone a few times, we don't have to force like instant
24:12
intimacy. It really allows things to just
24:15
kind of slowly build. Another hurdle is that at some
24:18
point, friendships require vulnerability.
24:22
Yeah, but I want to clarify what vulnerability means here.
24:26
You know, it doesn't mean telling your deepest trauma
24:28
story to someone 20 minutes into the meeting.
24:30
Please don't do that. Please don't do that.
24:33
That's with a very big red flag. Don't do it on a date either.
24:38
Not good, not good, but healthy vulnerability.
24:41
It's, it's gradual, it's a you know, it's, it's appropriate to
24:45
the level of trust in the relationship.
24:47
So if you feel like you're building trust, you're going to
24:49
feel a little bit more comfortable, you know, being
24:52
vulnerable. But you know, early
24:54
vulnerability shares, you know, just a little bit like telling
24:57
someone I'm still getting used to the city or I've been wanting
25:01
to meet more people. Some some of those like simple
25:04
things that you know, give a little bit about yourself but
25:07
not a lot about yourself. Just saying like, yeah, ever
25:11
since Kovid, I haven't socialized a lot.
25:14
I've been wanting to meet more people.
25:15
I know the response by somebody else is going to be, Oh my
25:18
goodness, me too. I just know.
25:21
And those are simple, but they're still honest
25:23
vulnerability shares. You know, they give the other
25:26
person a chance to connect. And if they respond with warmth,
25:30
then you can keep building that relationship.
25:33
Yeah, and friendships really deep and through a pattern of
25:35
sharing responsiveness. So I share a little, you respond
25:39
with care, you share a little high, respond with care.
25:42
Overtime that just starts to, you know, build trust naturally.
25:45
It's healthy and normal, and I think that's how it works.
25:48
And if one person shares and the other person dismisses or mocks
25:52
or ignores or uses it against us, well, that tells us
25:56
something too. You know, the vulnerability is
25:59
not just about opening up. It's also about observing how
26:02
the person handles what we share.
26:04
Such a big part of choosing like a healthy friendship.
26:07
So let's talk a little bit about some barriers people experience
26:12
commonly when trying to make these friendship.
26:14
Well, the first one is time. So we mentioned earlier adults
26:18
are busy and not fake busy. We're actually busy.
26:22
We work, we have family, we bills, caregiving, school,
26:25
health, you know, maybe aging parents, kids, marriage,
26:28
errands, homework, emotional labor, all kinds of things that
26:33
take up our time. So there's a, there's a.
26:35
Lot. I'm tired just listening.
26:36
Do you say all that? And by the time someone has a
26:40
free evening, they may not want to go socialize.
26:42
They may just want to sit in silence and stare at a wall.
26:46
Oh, that's so true. I definitely have those days.
26:48
But you know, if we always wait until we have extra time and
26:52
extra energy, friendships may never happen.
26:54
So sometimes connections have to be built into our life in small
26:59
ways. And one thing I do, I've done
27:01
this for years. A lot of times I wake up in the
27:03
morning with energy and I feel like, you know, today would be a
27:06
great day to connect with someone, to go to dinner with
27:08
such and such, or maybe grab coffee.
27:11
I will reach out to that person then and there that morning and
27:15
make a commitment for that evening because that feeling
27:19
will go away by midday or the end of the day.
27:22
But I know that if I've made a connection, I've made a
27:25
commitment to someone, I'm going to follow through with it most
27:28
likely. But if I just wait till the end
27:30
of my day and I'm like, you know, maybe, maybe tomorrow.
27:34
So make your plans early. Make a commitment.
27:38
For sure. I know I always go, why did I
27:41
make, why did I plan to do that? What was I thinking?
27:44
Why did Paula a month ago think I was going to be up for this?
27:48
I'm like, because I was excited about it, but, you know, just
27:52
go, like do a 30 minute coffee, but take, go on a walk, you
27:56
know, ask a neighbor if they want to walk together if you see
27:58
them, you know, make a phone call while you're driving.
28:01
Unless you have my insurance company, we're not allowed, you
28:05
know, meet for lunch, invite somebody to run an errand
28:08
together. Like I'm about to run to Target.
28:10
Want to go. You know, friendship doesn't
28:13
require a grand gesture. Sometimes it just requires
28:17
ordinary interaction. Yeah.
28:18
Hi. Friends that I run errands with,
28:20
I run errands with me like it's, you know, it's good, just a good
28:23
time together so well. Another barrier is comparison.
28:28
So social media, they can really make this worse.
28:31
We see pictures of friends and groups and trips and brunches
28:34
and birthdays and dinners. And we think, you know, everyone
28:37
has this big, beautiful circle except me.
28:41
And even though we know, we're seeing, you know, really curated
28:45
snapshots of people's lives, like, you know, some of this is
28:49
real and some of this is not. People tell us all the time.
28:52
You are so busy. You're always doing something.
28:54
You're always out and about. I do not feel that way, but
28:57
apparently it shows that way on our social media.
29:02
I think sometimes people in those pictures, they feel pretty
29:04
lonely too. I mean enlarge the image and see
29:08
their eyes. Another another barrier is fear
29:13
of rejection. That is a big one.
29:15
You know, reaching out to somebody else is so vulnerable
29:18
because they might say no. I mean, they might not respond,
29:22
they might cancel. You know, they might not
29:24
reciprocate what we're looking for.
29:26
And that stinks no matter what our age is.
29:29
Does. But rejection does not always
29:32
mean what we think it means sometimes people are just
29:35
overwhelmed, they get busy, sometimes they're distracted.
29:38
Sometimes there are, they're just not in the season where
29:41
they and build new friendships, so sometimes the fit just isn't
29:44
there at that time. It does not mean that you are
29:47
unlikable. That is so true.
29:50
You know, sometimes it's just a mismatch.
29:53
It's not A and a mismatch isn't a verdict of our worth, you
29:58
know, So another barrier is past hurts.
30:01
You know, if somebody's betrayed us in the past, or excluded us,
30:05
or ghosted us or used us well, then we may approach new
30:10
friendships with caution. And that caution makes sense.
30:13
But if the protection we have of our self becomes isolation, that
30:18
will keep us from connecting with people the way that we need
30:21
to. And, you know, there's also
30:24
sometimes like the barrier of unrealistic expectations, so.
30:27
True, because I think adults sometimes expect one friend to
30:31
meet all their needs, you know, To be their emotional support,
30:34
their fun, to have some kind of common history, to be our advice
30:39
giver, respond to us in crisis, give us our laughter, you know,
30:44
be our spiritual connection. I'm God, that's exhausting.
30:47
That is exhausting. It is, and it's a lot of
30:51
pressure to put on one person. It sure is, and healthy adult
30:55
friendships often work better when we have different kinds of
30:58
connections, like we got a walk in buddy, or that's my deep
31:02
conversation friend, or a professional networking peer.
31:06
That's the one I go to comedy shows with, or that's the person
31:09
in my neighborhood, you know, it's not to do that to one
31:12
person. Yeah, yeah.
31:14
And I think, you know, not every friendship has to be everything,
31:18
right? And when we let friendships just
31:19
be what they are, we can really appreciate them more.
31:23
I grew up with a friend of mine. She always used to say I never,
31:25
I never mix worlds. And she meant that she had, you
31:29
know, like little, she had her friends just kind of like, you
31:32
know, in little groups that never really meshed her inner,
31:36
you know, intermingled like, mm, hmm, you know, really
31:38
compartmentalized friends for certain, certain needs that she
31:42
had. She had a group of friends for
31:44
those needs. And I always thought that was
31:46
kind of weird. But, you know, as I've gotten
31:48
older, it makes sense because some people are just, you may
31:51
have a, you may have, you know, 5 close friends and three of
31:54
those close friends would mesh really well.
31:55
But the other two, you know, are totally different.
31:58
So, you know, not everybody has to like get along and be, you
32:02
know, be all your support system at once.
32:05
That is funny. In recovery, I always tell
32:07
clients, like when all the people you know can be in one
32:10
room and you don't get scared because sometimes in in
32:15
addiction, people are lying to everybody and they don't want
32:18
everybody to tell. What did he say to you what they
32:20
say? Yeah.
32:20
So that's a little different. But that is a that is a great.
32:25
Those barriers I think are important for us to mend.
32:27
So I think next we'll talk about some strategies like how we
32:32
actually begin. But I'm thinking this is a lot
32:36
of information, so it may be a good place for us to wrap this
32:39
up. I agree with you.
32:41
I think we have a lot of really good information left and I
32:44
don't think we should rush through it.
32:45
So I think this is a good stopping point and we'll pick
32:48
this back up next or two weeks. And in the meantime, feel free
32:54
to reach out to us on any of the social media platforms.
32:57
You can reach us through our website, lifelivebetter.net.
33:01
You can e-mail us at info@lifelivebetter.net.
33:04
And we love to hear your comments, your feedback, topic
33:07
ideas, whatever you got for us, send it over.
33:10
And as always, don't forget that knowledge leads to a life.
33:13
Live better. Thank you for listening to Life
33:19
Live Better with Paula and Joseph.
33:24
Yay. Thank you for listening to the
33:26
Life Live Better Podcast. Please subscribe, rate, review
33:29
and share our show with others you think will enjoy our
33:31
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33:37
This episode was written by Paula Garland, edited by Joseph
33:40
Massey and recorded on Spotify. Information used in this episode
33:44
and other content data can be found in our show notes.
33:46
We look forward to seeing you again in two weeks, yeah.