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How To Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids: The Lindsay Clancy Trial Wake Up Call · Other Peoples Parenting

0:00
Hello, everyone.
0:01
Welcome back to another episode of Other People's Parenting, where we read parenting books and review them for you.
0:07
I'm Skylar Hurwitz, amateur parent, and this is my mom, Karen Quinn, New York Times bestselling author and founder of Habit Coach and Testing Mom.
0:14
Hello, mom.
0:15
Hi, Skylar.
0:17
How are you doing?
0:17
I'm good.
0:18
Tell me about your lasers.
0:20
Oh.
0:21
Oh.
0:21
I was just saying to you before.
0:24
We went on air, Ty and I love cosmetic treatments.
0:27
We're all into, like, getting cosmetics, getting our faces done, and so.
0:31
But I went.
0:32
Actually, I went for a cancer screening.
0:34
Very important, Very important.
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Got it screened.
0:37
I did the cancer screening, right.
0:39
And then I just happened to ask the person who.
0:43
The doctor.
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Your dermatologist.
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My actual dermatologist.
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I said, you know, I've got these red areas of my face.
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Do you have a laser treatment?
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And she said, oh, yeah, we've got the laser.
0:54
And I said, what would it be to get it, you know, laser to make it less red?
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And she's like, I'd do that for $200.
1:02
I'm like, $200?
1:04
Because that's a lot of money, but it's much more expensive if you go to one of those.
1:10
An esthetician.
1:11
Esthetician places.
1:12
So it was.
1:13
So maybe what I learned is ask your dermatologist.
1:16
As long as it's not one of those fancy Tony dermatologists, just like a typical one that maybe you go to and for cancer checks.
1:26
For fancy.
1:26
For cancer checks.
1:27
Yeah, they might do, you know, something like that.
1:32
You know, a laser treatment for much less money.
1:34
Yeah.
1:34
So anyway, I was discovering that yesterday.
1:37
Be economic with your lasers, but don't forego.
1:40
Right.
1:40
Well, the cancer treatment is really, you know, you've got to check for that.
1:44
Your cancer checks, not treatment.
1:46
Cancer checks.
1:47
Cancer checks.
1:47
We don't have cancer.
1:48
No, it was a cancer check, and she did burn something or freeze something off my face.
1:53
You got a biopsy?
1:54
No, she just.
1:56
She just froze a suspicious area to.
1:59
Anyway.
2:00
Suspicious.
2:01
It was.
2:01
It could have turned into something.
2:03
So she said, I'll freeze it.
2:04
I said, go for it.
2:05
So she did freeze it off.
2:07
It didn't even hurt.
2:08
I had them freeze off some of my moles because when I got pregnant, I got a bunch of random moles.
2:12
Well, there you go.
2:13
So they're gone now.
2:14
They're gone now.
2:15
Okay, that's good.
2:16
Yeah.
2:16
I was like, is this cancerous?
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They were like, no, just annoying.
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I was like, yeah, great.
2:21
No, you got to do that every year.
2:24
She said, do it every year.
2:25
So I Did this is.
2:26
Yeah.
2:26
Good.
2:27
I like her.
2:27
She's my new dermatologist.
2:29
Oh, okay.
2:30
I love that.
2:31
For you, team.
2:32
What book are we covering today?
2:33
Oh, today.
2:35
Today we are reading.
2:37
Okay.
2:39
We are a non explicit podcast.
2:41
So it's how to stop losing your sh.
2:45
Asterisk T.
2:48
With your kids.
2:49
How to stop losing your with your kids.
2:54
Yeah.
2:54
I don't know.
2:55
I don't want to say it.
2:56
Yeah.
2:56
But it's a practical guide to becoming a calmer, happier parent.
3:01
Yeah.
3:02
And it's a.
3:02
It's not a parenting book.
3:05
It's a book about how you can become a happier parent.
3:09
A calmer parent.
3:10
Yeah.
3:10
So it's really for you.
3:12
It's not as much for your kids.
3:13
Yes.
3:14
Although there's stuff in here I think that would be helpful to your kids.
3:17
Yeah.
3:18
Yeah.
3:18
I didn't love this book, but.
3:20
But I did like the title, which is really how we picked it.
3:23
Cause we judged this book by its cover.
3:25
Well, it was funny.
3:26
It was like, how to stop losing your with your kids.
3:29
You know, it's kind of funny, but I think people.
3:32
I realized afterwards there's actually a whole lot of books with curse words and then asterisks in the title.
3:38
And I think it's kind of a little trend that people do to make their books stand out, I guess, you know?
3:46
Yeah.
3:47
And I'll tell you, if you need to do it to make your book stand out, you should just write a.
3:51
Better book, maybe so.
3:54
And a shorter book.
3:55
Yeah.
3:55
Well, this book was short.
3:56
Which again, points for that.
3:58
Yes, points for that.
3:59
Points for that.
4:01
But the content, I was like, ah, I could kind of take or leave, really.
4:04
Okay, well, we'll go through what it is because I think that we can.
4:09
Just say losing it.
4:11
Oh, yeah.
4:11
How to stop losing it with your kids.
4:14
Yeah.
4:15
Because we are a child friendly podcast.
4:18
Right, Right, right.
4:19
In case your kids are listening.
4:20
Yeah.
4:20
If you're.
4:21
We don't want them to hear a curse word.
4:22
Yeah.
4:23
Or like folding stuff.
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And they are, you know, in a nearby room.
4:27
You're safe.
4:28
Right.
4:29
So anyway, it's.
4:30
This is really a practical guide to taking care of yourself as a parent.
4:34
Yeah.
4:34
When.
4:35
When things are hard with your kids, perhaps.
4:37
And I wouldn't know.
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My daughter is perfect.
4:40
Well, so far, you.
4:41
Okay.
4:41
You haven't lost it.
4:42
And she says if you lose it with your kids, it's okay.
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Which I like.
4:47
She gives you permission to lose it and she says parenting is hard.
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Every parent loses it.
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You are not alone.
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Shouting is the new spanking.
4:57
You probably have not broken your kids by losing it.
5:00
Still, it's bad.
5:01
I mean, it sucks to lose it.
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You feel bad.
5:04
It's tiring.
5:05
It feels terrible.
5:06
And you don't want to model bad behavior.
5:09
And willpower alone will not stop you from losing it.
5:13
And there are things you can do to keep yourself from losing it.
5:18
Um, and she says, you know, the advice out there in advice books and parenting books and stuff, it really doesn't help.
5:25
Why?
5:26
Parenting books are too long.
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And this.
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This book was 200.
5:30
Yeah, I agree.
5:30
Parenting books are too long.
5:32
They are.
5:33
Yeah.
5:33
Which is why we get Try to give you everything you need in an hour.
5:37
Yeah.
5:37
Or less.
5:38
Yeah.
5:39
And you are so welcome.
5:40
Yeah.
5:41
We read these for the ten thousands.
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Of pages we have read.
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That's right.
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We do not get them off of AI.
5:46
No, we read the book.
5:48
No, we read.
5:48
The teen makes painstakingly clear notes.
5:52
I do.
5:53
Yeah.
5:53
Because my notes were not sufficient.
5:55
Yeah.
5:55
I make really good notes.
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I'm a good outliner.
5:57
You are a good outliner.
5:58
I think I told you I used to sell my outlines in law school.
6:01
Wow.
6:02
I did okay.
6:03
My outlines were so good that people would pay me for them.
6:07
I used to sell my student Metro cards because I would pretend I lost them, and I would sell them to adults.
6:12
Oh, three free rides a day, 365 days a year.
6:16
Oh, that was.
6:17
See, there you were very industrious.
6:18
Well, I sold my law school notes.
6:20
But anyway.
6:21
Okay.
6:22
So most parenting books focus on the moment you freak out versus all the time leading up to it.
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The advice may not meet your family's needs.
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There's very little about what to do after you freak out.
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And you're not a bad parent.
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You're actually just a struggling parent.
6:41
Yeah.
6:42
Yeah.
6:42
Okay.
6:44
What are her five steps to managing losing it?
6:47
Understand what triggers your nervous system causing you to lose it.
6:50
So get to know what actually triggers you so that you can arrange your life in a way that you don't have to, like, be constantly triggered, which is easier said than done.
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Some triggers may relate to childhood traumas that you've had.
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And if that's the case, it helps to explore that with a therapist.
7:07
With what Time Girl?
7:09
She says that most meltdowns are neither conscious or intentional and can often be traced again back to your childhood in ways that your.
7:16
Your parents lost their temper with.
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Sometimes something happens that causes you to react.
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Identify the thing that you're reacting to is crucial.
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So insights to your trigger may be enough to help you feel less triggered.
7:30
But I don't Know, I mean, even being aware sometimes in the moment isn't going to prevent the explosion.
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But.
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But she's saying at least awareness might help.
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Step one.
7:41
Awareness.
7:41
Awareness.
7:42
Yeah.
7:44
Why are you losing it?
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Losing it is caused by four characteristics.
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So she has an acronym that goes called fart Feelings.
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Automatic, Reactive, toxic.
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We melt down when we experience big feelings.
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Losing it is an emotional reaction.
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Automatic means meltdowns are neither conscious or intentional.
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They're not logical.
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Reactive.
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What you say or do is in reaction to something else.
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You need to identify the thing that you're reacting to.
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Toxic.
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Your reactions may be yelling, grabbing the child, or whatever.
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It's toxic, and it means it's out of control and it's a disproportionate reaction.
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You can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior.
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Right.
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Which is something we all must teach our kids from an early, early age.
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And we must model it.
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Absolutely.
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For our kids.
8:36
Absolutely.
8:37
Right.
8:38
And she says, by the way, she's going to take us through all.
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There's like eight chapters in this book, but we aren't going to learn until the eighth chapter what to do to avoid losing it.
8:52
But you have to read the first seven chapters.
8:54
Yeah.
8:54
Which.
8:54
So, okay, so you have to read up, build.
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It builds to the answer.
9:00
She asks a lot of questions like, why should you stop losing it?
9:03
Why is parenting so hard?
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But honestly, like, I don't know.
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These are questions you should ask yourself before you become a parent.
9:12
Okay, so what are some of the questions?
9:14
Okay.
9:14
For example, why is parenting so hard?
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Because life is hard.
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Right.
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And then you factor in this new little person who's completely reliant upon you.
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It tests you personally.
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It tests your relationship.
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It tests everything you think you know about yourself.
9:29
Right.
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So your own childhood might have been difficult, and that impacts how you parent.
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And some kids are actually harder to parent.
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Like, I don't know if you've watched the new Stassi show.
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Remember Stassi from Vanderpump Rules?
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There's a lot of discourse around the show right now because Stassi now has her own show and she's basically employed her close friends and family.
9:52
She wants to be like Kris Jenner.
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Except what the show has revealed about Stassi, who was not quite universally beloved, but people loved her.
10:00
Okay.
10:01
Is she's not a very involved mom.
10:04
Oh.
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Her husband is the primary parent.
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Until recently, he stayed at home with.
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With their kids.
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But the whole big tension thing between the two of them is that he wants to go back to work and have a Life outside of the house.
10:18
Right.
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And she doesn't want that because.
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And she literally, oh, my God, I, like, almost died watching the scene.
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But she, like, she's like, how much do they pay you at your job?
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I'll pay you.
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I'll just pay you.
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And it's so unbelievably emasculating and insane.
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But at one point towards the end of the show, she admits that she's actually, like, afraid of her kids.
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It's revealed that she doesn't put them down for bed.
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She doesn't like to be alone with them.
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Wow.
10:43
She needs this book.
10:44
She needs this book.
10:45
She also honestly, just, like, needs to reprioritize, like.
10:49
Right.
10:50
Her kids seem a little difficult.
10:51
They seem like they have a lot of tantrums and, like.
10:56
But frankly, these are cries for attention.
10:58
Right, right.
10:59
And like, anyone with two eyes could see this.
11:01
It just.
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Her children treat her the way they treat or the way I imagine someone would treat a nanny.
11:07
They don't know that well.
11:08
Oh, wow.
11:09
Oh, my gosh.
11:10
Yeah.
11:11
So that's kind of an example, I hate to say it, of an uninvolved mom.
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Yeah.
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Which is rare.
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And I think there's a double standard.
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I think if it were her husband who were behaving that way, everyone would.
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Be like, yeah, well, he's a guy and he's.
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But because she's a woman and because she's the mother, people judge her a lot more harshly for it.
11:29
Right.
11:29
So I feel for her.
11:30
Yeah.
11:31
Well, and I think that, you know, it.
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Whether you're a.
11:35
A man or a woman, it can be very difficult to be a parent.
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Which is what she's saying right here is that, like, look, you know, there's all kinds of things you're dealing with on top of being a parent.
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Maybe financial issues.
11:51
It could be relationship issues with your husband or your wife or whoever.
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And maybe your kids are more difficult than other kids also, you know, if you're not taking good care of yourself, if you're tired, you're stressed out, or if you have no support, you don't have a lot of support.
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And social media, maybe, you know, you're seeing people are critic.
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Like, I'm sure people are criticizing her.
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That can't be easy for her.
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No.
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And so, you know, while it's not your fault that parenting is hard, she says it's your responsibility to do what you can to reduce the possibility of losing it.
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So that's what she says.
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And she talks about.
12:33
She spends a little time on why we lose It.
12:35
And how the brain works and how, you know, talking about how our kids have underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes, which is the executive function skills, where they can at least make logical decisions.
12:50
Kids are just so not logical.
12:52
Yeah.
12:52
And so that they're all id.
12:54
That's right.
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And it can be really hard for you as a parent to deal with that.
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And then our own limbic systems, the fight or flight, go into overdrive when we get these big feelings and we just feel like we're going to lose it.
13:08
You know, your body's just flooded with stress hormones.
13:11
Your heart starts beating, your blood pressure, you know, it's a physical reaction you can get, so you can lose it.
13:19
And your brain requires sleep, nutrition, exercise, funds, downtime.
13:25
Maybe you're not getting that as a mom.
13:27
I mean, you know, your morning, you know, is very filled with, you know, you've got to deal with your dogs, your babies.
13:35
I have.
13:35
So between the hours of 5am and 9am I have three days worth of things to be done.
13:42
So many things that you do.
13:43
Yeah.
13:44
And I think that could be overwhelming for many people.
13:47
And I don't know.
13:49
You know, I don't know how you are able.
13:52
I mean, thank goodness your daughter naps.
13:54
Because you know what?
13:55
My life today is still so much easier than my life 10 years ago.
14:00
Really?
14:00
Yeah.
14:01
Because I think when you've worked in a nightclub, it's like anything you do after that feels pretty easy.
14:08
Okay.
14:08
That's good.
14:09
Including parenthood.
14:10
I have so much experience dealing with adults that behaved like toddlers that I'm kind of just like, oh, girl, throw it at me.
14:17
I dare you.
14:18
So you can.
14:19
You feel like you can handle it.
14:21
Yeah.
14:21
Like, I will not be thrown.
14:22
Okay.
14:23
I will not be thrown.
14:24
Okay.
14:24
But some people, you know, look, I have to say, when I didn't.
14:30
And we're going to go through her, all of her advice.
14:33
I was also a mom who.
14:36
I don't feel like I lost it too often.
14:39
It was so rarely.
14:40
I don't.
14:41
I don't really remember you or dad ever losing it at me.
14:45
Right.
14:45
But I worked.
14:46
I went to work every day, and that was a break from.
14:49
From me.
14:50
From kids.
14:51
Yeah, it was.
14:52
It was a break.
14:53
It was easier.
14:54
I say this all the time.
14:56
Working was eas.
14:57
Yeah.
14:57
And let it be known.
14:59
And I had help.
15:00
I had a.
15:01
I had a.
15:02
We had a nanny who was really amazing.
15:05
So we had help.
15:06
So I think it's like, if you're trying to deal with so many of these things, either without help or you're having.
15:14
There are medical issues in the family.
15:15
There are issues with, you know, relationship.
15:18
There could be so many issues that can overwhelm you.
15:21
And I was lucky.
15:22
And you so far have been lucky.
15:24
Yeah.
15:24
But there may be times when you're going to feel overwhelmed.
15:27
My next baby might be really, really hard, maybe.
15:30
I've been so incredibly blessed with a relatively reasonable baby.
15:33
Right.
15:34
And they're not all the same.
15:35
No.
15:36
No.
15:37
So that's.
15:37
You keep telling me, are you sure you want to do this again?
15:40
Because you probably won't get such a great one next time.
15:43
Well, you can't depend on it.
15:45
Yeah.
15:45
That's all I'm saying is some kids are easy, some are not.
15:49
My baby wants.
15:49
Makes me want to have, like, 20 more.
15:51
I'm like, if they can all be like her, sure, I want one every.
15:55
Year, but they're not all the same.
15:57
So, yeah, my next one will give me a run for my money, maybe,.
16:00
You know, we'll see.
16:01
They'll be different.
16:03
Anyway, she, the author talks about how she stopped losing it for herself.
16:08
And she said, look, for her, it sounds like it was really hard.
16:11
When she became a parent, she.
16:14
She said she was very triggered by parenthood.
16:16
Her kids were so needy and unpredictable.
16:19
It was just more than she expected.
16:22
Her own childhood was very chaotic.
16:24
There was divorce, there was substance abuse, mental issues, a lot of screaming.
16:29
She did suffer from postpartum anxiety.
16:32
There were medical issues in her family after her kids were born, so she was worrying all the time.
16:37
She wasn't sleeping, and she lost her perspective.
16:42
A big thing that I remember from.
16:44
Testing moms is definitely my tutor, Maddie.
16:47
She was a lot more patient and.
16:48
Made tutoring a lot more fun than learning about things.
16:52
With my mom, I remember that there.
16:54
Were a lot of games, and it made me look forward to going to tutoring every week.
17:00
The way she got herself together was, she said, first she started getting more sleep.
17:06
She added exercise.
17:07
She went to therapy.
17:09
Her therapist helped her understand how her own childhood was impacting her parenting and did give her strategies to deal with these hard moments.
17:18
She ended up with taking medication for anxiety.
17:21
That helped.
17:22
She says, you just don't have to do this alone.
17:25
Just know you can get a team of people around you to help you.
17:28
And that's what she did.
17:29
Totally.
17:30
Okay, so now know your triggers and buttons.
17:34
Do you want to talk about that?
17:35
Yeah.
17:35
I feel like the word trigger is just so abusive.
17:37
Uses it a lot.
17:38
Oh, my God.
17:39
Yeah.
17:40
Everyone uses it too much.
17:41
I'm triggered.
17:42
It's really like lost its meaning.
17:43
Honestly, that wasn't even a word when I grew up.
17:46
Yeah, that wasn't even you.
17:48
People were not allowed to be triggered.
17:50
You just had to like keep on keeping on.
17:52
Yeah.
17:52
Deal with the world.
17:53
It's like, yeah, welcome, welcome to life.
17:57
Nobody cares.
17:58
It's horrible.
17:58
We know.
17:59
Yeah, that's what it was like.
18:01
I don't know.
18:01
But now people get triggered.
18:03
But now you get triggered and the.
18:04
World must stop rotating.
18:05
Right, I'm triggered.
18:06
Or else.
18:07
But anyway, yes.
18:09
If you can identify what sets you off again, you're less likely.
18:12
So awareness is good to a point.
18:14
Kids will continue to do things to set you off because guess what?
18:17
They don't care if you're triggered.
18:21
You can't change their behavior, but you can change your reaction.
18:25
Not losing it is about having just enough self awareness to notice what's going on in and around you so that you can make a conscious choice to get still, calm down, shut your mouth before you react.
18:36
And even if you have no idea what you're gonna do next, it's just better to do nothing at all than to freak out.
18:42
Ways to tell if you're being triggered.
18:45
Anxious thinking, Excessive worrying.
18:47
Physical tension.
18:48
Fantasies about going Thelma Louise, Thelma and Louise on this situation.
18:52
Oi.
18:54
Feeling irritated or being easily annoyed.
18:56
Nitpicking or micromanaging people.
18:59
Snarky comments.
19:02
Yeah, so I don't know.
19:04
It's funny, I never, my kids never triggered me.
19:07
The places I would get quote unquote triggered might have been at work or something with a difficult co worker or something.
19:14
And I get mad, you know, or upset.
19:17
But yeah, but I, I feel like.
19:20
It's easier to have patience for me with children because you just know they don't know better.
19:25
It's a lot like my daughter is now at a point where she is like experimenting with hitting and when I say no, she thinks it is the funniest thing in the world and so she keeps doing the thing.
19:39
So you have to like pay attention to your children when they do things that you don't want them to do and figure out the behavior you need to put forth to get them not to do it.
19:51
So for example, I can't say no.
19:53
I have to like redirect her or just laugh with her and then she'll get, you know, she's still a little too young for discipline.
20:00
Right, Right.
20:01
So I kind of just have to like and don't react because she loves.
20:06
That if you react then she knows that's getting a reaction.
20:09
If I say no, she cackles.
20:12
Right?
20:12
She thinks it's the coolest, most hilarious thing.
20:16
So you can't, you can't do it.
20:18
So anyway.
20:19
But she talks about very common triggers being like chronic exhaustion, multitasking while you're with your kids, anxiety, feeling you need to be on your phone instead of being with your child.
20:32
Major life changes, death, divorce, moving, job loss.
20:36
Just chronic stress with triggers.
20:39
Just focus on the awareness.
20:41
Know when you're at risk of being triggered and accept when you are.
20:46
Accept that you've been triggered and action.
20:50
Fix it or learn to live with it.
20:52
Fixing it could mean, you know, deep breathing to calm yourself or taking a walk to clear your head.
20:59
But ideally, as much as you can avoid triggers or minimize your their impact when you can't avoid them.
21:06
Yeah, totally.
21:07
Yeah.
21:08
How doing less will help you not lose it.
21:11
Stuff that you have to do so you don't lose it.
21:14
So she calls them burps.
21:15
Girl, she loves an acronym.
21:17
A bodily function acronym.
21:19
Right.
21:19
Farts and burps.
21:20
Yes.
21:21
Button reduction practices.
21:24
Okay, that doesn't quite work, but well, whatever.
21:27
Let the record show.
21:28
Yeah, looks like self care.
21:31
So it's free, simple evidence based practices that reduce your sensitivity to getting your buttons pushed.
21:36
Simplify your life.
21:37
Step down from volunteer obligations.
21:39
Cut back on children's activities, reach out to friends for support.
21:42
Work part time versus full time, leave your job, hire help.
21:46
So again, some of these are things not everybody can do.
21:49
Some people can do them, some people cannot.
21:51
Do one thing at a time.
21:53
Get more sleep, seek out support and have self compassion.
21:57
She stopped trying to clean her house all the time.
21:59
I could never do that.
22:01
Don't try to multitask.
22:03
It doesn't work.
22:04
I would argue.
22:05
What choice do you have?
22:07
Well, I know, I mean, people talk.
22:10
About things like girl math.
22:12
Like, oh, if I return something for $50, but then I exchange it for something that's $100 in a way, I only spent $50.
22:22
I would like to introduce you to the concept of mom physics.
22:26
Okay.
22:26
The amount of things I can carry at a given time has drastically expanded since I became a mom.
22:34
I can have a baby on my hip and I can have cups in this hand with the baby on the hip.
22:38
I can have two hands.
22:39
I can have two leashes in one hand.
22:41
And then in that same hand I can also be carrying a grocery bag.
22:45
Wow.
22:45
Mom physics.
22:46
That's amazing.
22:47
That is amazing.
22:49
And you get more done that way.
22:51
But I think it can be overwhelming.
22:54
I feel like people need to understand parenthood is Overwhelming.
22:58
Regardless of how you do it with it, as much support or as little support as you have.
23:02
Right.
23:02
You are a person who cannot live being overwhelmed at least once a day.
23:08
Like, again, the benefits deeply outweigh the drawbacks.
23:11
But if you're a person who cannot cope with being overwhelmed, I don't quite know that parenthood is for you.
23:17
Yeah, yeah.
23:18
But I do think these are.
23:20
Look, if you can do some of these things, they would help, you know, if, like, if I.
23:25
If you can simplify your life in some way.
23:27
I mean, like, look, you just moved to the suburbs, right?
23:30
You.
23:30
Now, you used to have to walk your dog three times a day.
23:34
Yeah.
23:34
Now you have a backyard.
23:35
You can let them out.
23:37
So that's gonna be simplifying your life.
23:38
Yeah.
23:39
I mean, and walking my dogs was such a deep source of stress because my dogs suck on leashes.
23:44
Right.
23:45
They pull.
23:46
They.
23:46
Every bird they see, every squirrel, every rat.
23:50
I mean, it's a miracle.
23:52
My shoulders are still in their sockets.
23:54
Ooh.
23:54
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:56
People get injured walking their dogs.
23:57
I know I could have been one of those people.
23:59
But I'm just saying, you know, so maybe I hope that that's one simplification.
24:05
Yeah, in a way.
24:06
But now I still need to learn.
24:07
How to drive, so there's.
24:07
Yeah, that's.
24:08
But that's not.
24:09
Once you learn, it'll be okay.
24:10
Yeah.
24:11
So she's obsessed with not multitasking, but I would just argue.
24:14
I don't quite know how you do that as a parent unless, like, you have a full staff.
24:18
Well, yes.
24:19
So good for her if that's what she does.
24:21
I don't think she does, but single task instead.
24:24
So accept that you won't get everything done.
24:26
I can't focus on your child for 20 minutes.
24:30
Set a timer.
24:31
Just include your child is advice.
24:34
Okay.
24:34
Your things will get done more slowly and not quite as well.
24:37
But you know what?
24:38
At least then everything is occupied.
24:41
Right.
24:41
That's a way either in.
24:42
Yes, but I think with an older child, what she's saying is you could.
24:47
You could do something with your child for 20 minutes and then you hook them up with something they can do, like a puzzle or drawing a picture, whatever.
24:56
Give.
24:57
Now I'm gonna work for 20 minutes while you put this puzzle together, you know, or something.
25:02
You gotta teach your kids to cooperate.
25:04
To cooperate and be independently.
25:06
Which.
25:07
That's something in and of itself to teach them.
25:10
Yeah.
25:10
So best of luck.
25:11
Good luck.
25:12
But it's important to teach them.
25:13
Yeah, it is.
25:14
To be able to occupy themselves Kids.
25:17
Need to learn how to be bored because that's where creativity comes from.
25:20
Yes, that's true.
25:22
Okay, now she talks about what you need to do if you don't want to lose it.
25:28
First, make sleep a priority.
25:31
Track your sleep.
25:32
Sleep on a schedule.
25:35
You know, don't watch screens, stuff that everybody tells you this.
25:38
Don't watch screens before bed.
25:40
Use your bed just for light reading, sex and sleep.
25:44
Nothing else.
25:45
I do like screens in bed.
25:47
But you love an iPad.
25:49
I do love my iPad.
25:50
Oh my God.
25:51
Yeah.
25:51
But anyway, I love that iPad.
25:53
Yeah, I like to watch some anyway, whatever, but I know they tell you not to, but okay.
25:59
Support.
25:59
Find the support you need.
26:01
It could be doctors, coaches, therapists, nannies, daycare, relatives who can help.
26:06
Just if you can find people, even friends, who have kids around you that you can help each other.
26:12
Like I'll watch your kids, you know, half a day if you watch my kids half a day and give you a break to go do what you need or stuff like that.
26:20
Have self compassion.
26:21
Notice when you're having a hard time and treat yourself with warmth and kindness.
26:26
Catch yourself and stop yourself when you're beating yourself up.
26:30
Treat yourself like you would treat a friend.
26:32
We all are so hard on ourselves.
26:34
Yes.
26:35
Remember, you are not alone.
26:38
Do something nice for yourself.
26:40
Practice kindness to yourself and others.
26:42
And she says practice Metta, which is a form of meditation, which I'd never heard of, but it's interesting.
26:49
She says you silently repeat kind wishes to yourself and others like, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease.
27:00
You go into your relax, relax voice.
27:04
Just relax, relax.
27:06
That's my meta.
27:08
Whatever.
27:08
Yeah, that.
27:11
She also suggests that you minimize clutter, ideas on cutting clutter and kids stuff because kids acquire so many things.
27:20
Simplifying your life will help you feel calm.
27:22
Try to reduce the number of choices and decisions that you have to deal with on a regular basis.
27:26
Which I agree, decision fatigue is, is exhausting.
27:29
Yeah.
27:29
Clear your schedule and reduce obligations.
27:32
Reduce the amount of information you take in news, social media, and be selective about what goes into your brain.
27:39
We are not built for a constant flow of information from everywhere around the world.
27:43
Right.
27:43
It's not.
27:44
We haven't evolved towards that.
27:45
Upsetting.
27:46
I mean, you know, it's, it's not.
27:48
Yeah.
27:48
And it's just.
27:49
I don't know, it's also like this.
27:50
Is a recent development, you know, like you didn't even 50 years ago you couldn't turn on the TV or your phone and find out every single thing that's going on in a remote nation.
28:02
Yeah.
28:02
Somewhere far away and be depressed about it.
28:05
Right.
28:06
Just.
28:06
Our brains are not set up for that.
28:09
Simplify your thoughts.
28:10
Mindfulness meditation, mental tricks like repeating a prayer or mantra.
28:15
Stretch and move your body.
28:16
Seek silence.
28:18
Slow down.
28:20
Practice gratitude and find things to appreciate.
28:23
Right.
28:23
And do things ahead of time so that you like, make your meals on Sunday so you don't have to cook all week.
28:31
Or do things like that.
28:33
Set yourself up for success.
28:35
Try.
28:36
Try.
28:38
Get some space from your kids so you don't lose it with them.
28:41
You need to miss your kids a little bit.
28:43
Kids don't need you to constantly be by their side.
28:45
So try to get some time and space away.
28:48
Let other people care for them.
28:49
Drop them at playdates or practices, carpool.
28:52
Accept offers of help when you want to get something done.
28:55
Leave your kids alone, especially when they're doing something themselves.
28:59
Let them wait.
29:00
Teach them to be patient.
29:01
I'll be with you in a second.
29:04
If your child is happy and engaged, leave them alone.
29:07
Don't disturb.
29:08
A happy child does not need to be interrupted.
29:11
Ever.
29:14
Teach your child to tolerate boredom so that they can learn to entertain themselves.
29:18
And resist the urge to help your child when they're struggling.
29:21
Don't referee every fight.
29:24
Don't get into power struggles with your kids.
29:26
Say yes when you can and no when you need to.
29:28
And then do not engage or get sucked into negotiations.
29:32
Because kids, you're the boss.
29:34
They'll get you.
29:35
Don't let them convince you.
29:37
You are on equal footing, my friend.
29:39
Right, Right.
29:39
Yeah, big mistake.
29:42
Okay, now finally we get to the chapter where she's been telling us all these things that we should do for ourselves to make our lives easier and calm the clutter in our lives and de stress and all of
30:00
that.
30:00
Relax, relax.
30:02
And all of those things.
30:04
But now she says, here's what you've been waiting for.
30:07
My feeling about Testing mom is that there is no investment too great to make into your child's well being.
30:16
Their sense of security, their sense of knowledge, their sense of achievement and feeling secure about what they know, especially when it comes to doing well in school.
30:29
I would say that Testing mom is not only the most worthwhile investment I've made into my daughter's education thus far.
30:40
It's really so affordable.
30:43
It provided me with literally what seemed like an infinite amount of options.
30:50
So if you signed on for all these apps individually, you would pay much, much more Here exactly is how to not lose it here.
31:01
Okay, so when you think you're about to Lose it first.
31:06
You notice I'm about to lose it.
31:09
You pause, and you do literally anything else other than lose it.
31:16
Right.
31:17
She says the four stages of flipping out are, first, there's the trigger, recognizing, oh, I've been triggered.
31:25
The transition.
31:26
Notice that your nervous system is all amped up and it's looking for a reason to fight, flight, freak out, or lose it.
31:35
Then there's.
31:36
If you don't stop yourself, there's immersion.
31:39
That's when you do lose it.
31:41
You're overwhelmed by the big feelings, and you behave in a toxic way.
31:44
Don't be toxic.
31:46
But you do.
31:47
Some people do, or we lose it and then recovery.
31:50
Pull yourself together and reconnect with your child.
31:52
Once you've done that, if you have lost it now.
31:56
So she says, notice when you're about to flip out, wake up to what's about to happen, and interrupt the cycle, because there's always an option.
32:06
So it requires you to actually be very aware of how you're feeling.
32:11
Notice your thoughts, your feelings, what your body is doing.
32:15
Often when you're about to lose it.
32:17
I think this is true.
32:18
Your body goes into autopilot.
32:20
You aren't thinking.
32:21
You're just getting angrier and angrier, whatever.
32:25
But you can notice, oh, it's happening to me.
32:28
And you can put yourself on pause.
32:31
Like, press the pause button and then pause.
32:34
This all sounds easier said than done.
32:36
It does sound easier, but it's pause.
32:38
Notice that this is.
32:39
It's a shift in awareness.
32:41
It's a shift in behavior.
32:42
When you pause, you're just giving yourself a little time and space.
32:47
You don't know what's gonna happen next.
32:49
You just say, maybe you walk away, take a deep breath.
32:53
But you give yourself some space.
32:54
You sort of stop it before you go off the rails.
32:59
You do literally anything else.
33:01
She says, breathe, step away.
33:03
Simplify your thoughts.
33:04
Stretch or move.
33:06
Ground yourself.
33:07
Talk it out.
33:08
Give yourself the mantra, Dance, send love your way.
33:12
Do whatever it takes not to lose it with your kids.
33:15
If you're about to lose it with your kids.
33:17
Yeah, it is.
33:18
I've never.
33:20
You know, the few times I have lost it with you guys, which has been pretty rare, it did feel like an automatic response.
33:29
So, you know, I can imagine.
33:30
Like, I bet.
33:31
I remember the only times Bev would lose it with us was when we were putting ourselves in imminent danger.
33:37
Okay, well, that's fair.
33:38
Other than that, she could be incredibly calm.
33:41
And I think you.
33:42
I don't know that you've ever really, truly lost it with me.
33:45
Once I Did.
33:46
Remember when I yelled at you when you didn't come home in Miami?
33:49
You spent the night out.
33:51
I was a grown adult.
33:53
I know, Skyler, but here's the thing.
33:56
When you're in my house and you go out for the night and don't come home, I think you're in a.
34:03
I think something terrible has happened.
34:05
Yeah.
34:05
Even whether you're an adult or a child.
34:08
And so even though you were living on your own in New York at the time, and I didn't know what you were doing when you were with me and I sent you out on a date or something and
34:19
you didn't come home, I was.
34:21
And then when I was dead, I was sure you were dead.
34:23
And I always.
34:24
That's.
34:24
That's where my mind always goes, that something terrible's happened.
34:28
Oh.
34:28
So always.
34:29
Always.
34:30
And that's.
34:30
That's.
34:31
I don't.
34:31
Yeah.
34:31
So that's my mother brain.
34:33
Talk about the lizard brain.
34:34
This is my mother brain.
34:35
Yeah.
34:36
Just like, oh, my God, something terrible's happened.
34:38
Yeah.
34:38
So when first I was desperate to hear from you, but when I finally did find you, you were mad.
34:45
I screamed, and it was very automatic.
34:48
But that was, like, the only time I think I ever really, truly complained.
34:52
Yeah.
34:52
And I wasn't even a child, so.
34:54
Kudos.
34:54
Yeah.
34:55
I waited.
34:55
Kudos to you.
34:56
Kudos to you.
34:56
I only did it once, but I'm.
34:58
But, you know, look.
34:59
But I think if you're somebody, that this is happening more than you like to be aware that this happens and to say, okay, now I need to be aware of that buildup to.
35:10
When I'm about to lose it.
35:12
And she's saying, just be aware of it.
35:15
Pause and do anything but lose it.
35:17
Yeah, but, you know, if you do lose it.
35:19
If you can.
35:20
You can.
35:20
If you can.
35:21
Right.
35:22
Okay.
35:23
But what if you do lose it?
35:24
What do you do?
35:25
So you check in your kid with your kids after your meltdown, reconnect with them and rebuild your relationship.
35:30
Apologize for your behavior.
35:32
That's important to model.
35:34
That doesn't mean that your child wasn't being a nightmare.
35:38
But that's a different conversation.
35:40
But have it separately.
35:41
Have that.
35:42
Exactly.
35:42
That is after.
35:43
When everyone has cooled off.
35:45
Right.
35:46
Don't have a big talk about what happened until everyone's cooled off.
35:49
She suggests.
35:50
Don't say, I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I asked you a million times to stop throwing the ball in the house and you wouldn't listen.
35:57
Take responsibility for your behavior.
35:58
Say, I'm sorry I yelled.
36:00
And then Make a plan moving forward for doing things differently.
36:03
Don't apologize for how you feel, just for how you behaved.
36:07
Don't over explain.
36:08
Resist telling your child that it's their turn to apologize.
36:11
Pay attention to what your child needs and respond to that.
36:14
Try to help them reflect on what happened.
36:17
Because self awareness is the first step towards change, which I agree with.
36:21
That's like the first thing in AA is you got to admit you have a problem.
36:24
Right.
36:24
You know.
36:25
Right.
36:25
But like after that you gotta actually seek help.
36:30
So if you are a run of the mill parent, losing it every once in a while, that's one thing.
36:35
But I think if you start to notice a pattern where you are easily set off and often set off, I think at that point you really have to pursue some sort of professional treatment.
36:45
And there are lots of resources, regardless of what your income level is.
36:49
NIP is one that I personally love.
36:51
National Institute for the Psychotherapies.
36:54
You can get therapy on a sliding scale and it's.
36:56
They have people who specialize in every single kind of therapy.
36:59
Right, Right.
37:01
So you gotta like.
37:02
I think this book is written for people who again are more run of the mill.
37:07
You know, when your kids are being particularly obnoxious and they push you to the brink occasionally everybody has a moment where they lose it.
37:15
But you know, if you start to notice that it's worse than that, it could be something that you need more help with and that's fine.
37:22
The author needed a lot of help.
37:23
She said she was losing it a lot.
37:25
Yeah.
37:26
She mentioned struggling with postpartum anx anxiety.
37:28
Yeah.
37:29
So again there might be an underlying condition that is actually much more treatable if you seek help.
37:35
Right.
37:35
You know, like she said, she mentioned being on anti anxiety medication and that can be life changing.
37:41
Right.
37:41
For some people that can truly be a lifeline.
37:44
Some people need antidepressants and like I know there's stigma and stuff around it, but it's not as if these medications put you in any sort of altered state.
37:54
Yeah.
37:54
In like the traditional sense.
37:56
It's not like you can't drive on antidepressants.
37:58
Right.
37:59
There is some anti anxiety medicine you can't drive on.
38:01
Is that right?
38:02
But I didn't ask your doctor.
38:04
Yeah, but I didn't know there was still stigma.
38:06
Do you think, you think some people just.
38:08
It's I think cultural.
38:10
Not just cultural.
38:11
I think there is stigma for mothers coping with mental health issues for a number of reasons.
38:16
One, just because so many women get pregnant and have babies.
38:22
Right.
38:22
Doesn't mean it is any less of an insanity, insane thing to do.
38:27
I have said it before.
38:28
I will say it a million more times.
38:30
Just because lots of people do it doesn't mean it's not crazy and doesn't mean it doesn't absolutely drain you and impact you forever.
38:36
Right.
38:37
First of all.
38:38
Second of all, like, I think there is this stigma around mothers struggling with mental health because they are caring for children.
38:45
Right.
38:45
And there's this fear that if the mother admits to being even a little bit unstable, that her children are in imminent danger.
38:52
Like, there's recently.
38:53
A couple months ago, there was this whole case.
38:56
This.
38:56
It's horrible.
38:57
The Lindsay Clancy trial.
38:58
I don't know if you followed it.
38:59
I didn't.
39:00
The very quick, abridged version is that this is a woman who unfortunately, was dealing with a lot of postpartum depression and psychological issues and killed her children.
39:11
Oh, I did hear about that.
39:13
I didn't know that was her name.
39:14
There is a woman.
39:15
Oh, that's a sad story.
39:16
It's heartbreaking.
39:17
And people are very torn because she is a woman who reached out for help a lot to a number of people, and everybody wrote her off.
39:28
Her husband, her doctors.
39:29
Right.
39:30
Everybody wrote her off and was like, this is run of the mill.
39:32
And she's like, I'm sure it's not, and didn't get the help she needed.
39:37
And then the absolute worst possible situation happened.
39:39
Yes.
39:40
So there are people who are torn, who are people who are like, well, whose fault is it, really?
39:45
And I think that's really why mothers are so, you know, we're not quick to admit when we are struggling because we.
39:53
There's this sort of, like, deep seated subconscious fear that if we're honest, that everything's not fine.
40:01
That, like, someone's gonna try and take our kids.
40:04
Right, right.
40:04
And it's like, not every situation warrants that.
40:07
No.
40:08
But, like, we need to be able to be honest when we need support.
40:12
Of course.
40:13
Yes.
40:13
Yes.
40:14
So she approached it in a kind of.
40:16
Of like, humorous but helpful way.
40:21
And I think it.
40:22
But she's.
40:23
But she's right.
40:24
You know, that.
40:25
You know, there's a real spectrum of.
40:28
There are parents who, for some reason, maybe they get enough help.
40:34
They don't have these psychological issues, whatever.
40:37
They're doing pretty well with it all the way to people who are just really losing it and really struggling.
40:42
And I think you can try a lot of her ideas in terms of making your life easier.
40:47
Doing less.
40:48
Yeah.
40:49
Doing breathing extra.
40:51
All those things.
40:51
And if those things, get a therapist that was one of the first things she suggested.
40:56
So, you know, she's saying, get help and, and get.
41:00
Whether it's a group of family members and friends around you, professionals, whatever.
41:06
She, I, I think there is a, there is a, an important message behind this book because you're right, it, being a mother is a very, very hard thing to do.
41:16
You're held to an often unreasonable standard in pretty much everything.
41:21
Right.
41:21
You know, it's like my mother in law sometimes like, or people will compliment my child and I'll be like, oh, we got lucky.
41:30
And my mother in law the other day was like, accept that compliment and take ownership of that because if your kid was a nightmare, you'd get blamed.
41:37
And I'm like, girl, you are right.
41:39
That's true.
41:40
You are so right.
41:41
So it's like, it's just.
41:43
Again, not everybody needs psychological treatment, but motherhood changes women in so many visible and invisible ways.
41:53
I read the other day, there was this woman talking about this analogy for a ship.
41:57
A ship that keeps getting repaired.
41:58
Each piece slowly but surely over the course of a year.
42:01
On the outside, the ship looks exactly the same because each part was replaced slowly.
42:06
But is it the same, Is it the same ship even though it looks exactly the same because every part has been replaced?
42:13
Right, Right.
42:14
And that's kind of what being a mother is like.
42:16
Right.
42:16
You know, where it's like, on the outside, I appear the same.
42:20
In fact, I'm thinner than ever before.
42:23
But on the inside, every single cell in my body feels different.
42:29
And do you feel like a completely different person now?
42:31
I'm sure that you're a mother.
42:33
It's a whole different feeling, right?
42:35
Yes.
42:35
I have so much more patience for the creatures in my life that truly don't know better and so much less patience for the creatures in my life who do.
42:50
Watch out.
42:51
Preach.
42:53
That's right.
42:54
Well, anyway.
42:54
Well, that's interesting.
42:55
So, okay, so what I know that when we went into this you were not a fan.
43:00
Big fan.
43:00
No, I don't like the book itself, but I think the questions it was,.
43:04
Why didn't you like the book itself?
43:05
Because it was.
43:06
Because it was a lot of like, I don't know, just stuff that you're just kind of like, like, okay, girl, you're telling me to meditate and take a deep breath and take a step back and like notice when
43:15
I'm in these heated situations.
43:17
It's like, this is Anger Management 101.
43:19
Okay.
43:20
Which again, useful for a lot of people who you might not have been an easily stressed out person before you have a kid.
43:28
But then this precious thing comes into your life.
43:30
The highest stakes possible thing.
43:32
Because if anything happens to this thing, you're going to jail.
43:35
Right.
43:35
But also, you love it.
43:36
Right?
43:37
Of course.
43:38
So it's like, again, people you really like figure out what you're made of when you become a parent.
43:45
And you also need to figure out if, like, you need to get sent back to the factory for a little bit for a tune up.
43:52
Right.
43:52
And be honest with yourself about that.
43:54
I think that is the most important message of this book is like, find support where you can.
43:59
If it's not your spouse, if it's not your doctor, seek it out.
44:03
If you don't feel right as a mom, you gotta find someone who's gonna listen to you.
44:07
You.
44:08
Absolutely.
44:08
Because you're right.
44:09
Yeah.
44:10
If you feel it, you are right.
44:11
You are absolutely right.
44:13
Yeah.
44:13
Yes.
44:13
I'm here to validate you.
44:15
No, I believe.
44:16
Yeah.
44:16
You.
44:16
I agree.
44:16
Because you're right, girl.
44:18
Yeah.
44:18
If.
44:18
If you don't feel right, you are correct.
44:21
Yeah.
44:21
Then you're not right and you need help.
44:23
Yeah.
44:23
Right.
44:24
And you got to get it.
44:24
Yeah.
44:25
And that's true.
44:25
Yeah.
44:26
And priority number one.
44:27
That is so true.
44:28
And I always say that to parents about their children.
44:31
If you look at your child and you say there's something wrong, he's not developing the way he should.
44:38
I think there's some issue going on.
44:40
And your pediatrician is saying, no, he's fine.
44:43
He'll grow into it.
44:44
If you believe this, you are right.
44:46
You've got to listen to your intuition.
44:48
So that's very.
44:50
Second opinions, third opinions, wealth opinions.
44:54
Until someone tells you you're right.
44:56
Because you are.
44:57
Because you are.
44:57
You are.
44:58
You know, you're the mom, you know.
44:59
Your kid, you know yourself.
45:01
Exactly.
45:01
Yeah.
45:02
Anyway, thank you guys so much for joining us for this episode of Other People's Parenting.
45:06
And we'll see you next week.