Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Lack Confidence
Transcript
- Lucas: So we've spent a bunch of episodes talking about how to find a mentor — the logistics, the outreach, the follow-up. But there's a quieter obstacle that I think a lot of listeners bump up against, and we haven't really named it yet. Luna: Let me guess — it's not about not knowing where to look. It's about feeling like you don't deserve to look. Lucas: Exactly. Confidence. Or the lack of it. I came across a LinkedIn survey from 2023 — 42 percent of professionals said they didn't reach out to a potential mentor because they felt they weren't 'ready' or 'qualified' to ask. That's enormous. Luna: Forty-two percent. So nearly half of us are self-selecting out before we even begin. And I bet that number is even higher for women and people of colour, where impostor syndrome tends to hit harder. Lucas: Right. And the irony is, the people who feel least confident are often the ones who could benefit most from guidance. So today I want to look at a specific framework for breaking through that wall — something practical you can use this week. Luna: Before we dive in — quick honest thing. A handful of listeners chip in monthly through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, and that's literally what funds making episodes like this one possible. Lucas: Yeah. No ads, no sponsors — just people who find the show useful and want to keep it going. If that's you, thank you. If you've been meaning to, it genuinely helps. Luna: Alright. Back to confidence. So what's the framework? Lucas: It comes from career coach Dr. Sarah Ellis — she wrote a piece in Harvard Business Review called 'The Five-Second Rule for Mentorship Requests.' The idea is simple: you have five seconds to send the ask before your brain talks you out of it. Luna: I love that. Because the longer you sit with it, the more reasons you invent not to do it. 'They're too busy,' 'I'm not important enough,' 'My question is stupid.' Luna: But the rule forces you to act before the doubt catches up. Lucas: Exactly. And here's the key — the ask has to be small and specific. Not 'will you be my mentor?' That's huge and intimidating. Instead, it's 'I saw your presentation on X — could I ask you one question about how you approached the data analysis?' That's a five-second ask. Luna: So it's about lowering the stakes for both sides. The potential mentor doesn't feel a long-term commitment, and you don't feel like you're imposing. Lucas: Right. Let me give you a real example. A junior analyst at JPMorgan — let's call her Priya — wanted to connect with a managing director in her division. She felt completely out of her depth. Instead of a generic LinkedIn request, she waited until after an all-hands meeting where the MD mentioned a client win. Lucas: She sent a message that same evening — within five seconds of drafting it — saying: 'I was really impressed by how you turned around the Smithfield account. I'm working on a similar client analysis and would love to know how you structured the initial pitch. Could we grab coffee for 15 minutes?' Luna: And the MD said yes? Lucas: She did. And that coffee turned into a six-month informal mentorship. But the ask itself was tiny — one specific question, one specific time commitment. Priya didn't need to be confident in her whole career; she just needed to be confident enough to ask about one client. Luna: That's the key distinction. You don't need global confidence. You need situational confidence. Confidence that you have something to learn from that specific person, and that your question is genuine. Lucas: Exactly. And that's backed up by research. Psychologists call it 'self-efficacy' — belief in your ability to succeed in a specific situation. Global self-esteem doesn't matter as much. So if you can reframe mentorship as a series of one-off learning moments, it becomes much easier to start. Luna: What about people who feel they have nothing to offer in return? That's a big source of hesitation — 'Why would this senior person want to help me?' Lucas: That's a great point. And the answer is: people like helping. Studies show that mentors often report higher job satisfaction and a sense of legacy. But you can also make it easier by being specific about what you bring — even if it's just enthusiasm or a fresh perspective. Lucas: Another tactic: offer to do something small in return. 'I'd love to buy you coffee,' or 'I can share my notes on the industry report.' It's not a transaction, but it signals that you respect their time. Luna: So let's talk about the actual scripts. What does a low-confidence ask sound like? Give us three concrete examples. Lucas: Sure. Number one: the 'one question' email. 'Hi, I read your article on and it changed how I think about. I have a quick question: how did you decide between approach A and approach B? Would you have 10 minutes this week?' Lucas: Number two: the 'meeting debrief' ask. After a presentation or panel, approach the person and say: 'I really enjoyed your talk on. I'm working on a similar project and would love to hear your thoughts on one slide. Could I email you and ask for 5 minutes?' Lucas: Number three: the 'informational interview' pivot. If you're already networking, say: 'I'm trying to understand how people build a career in. Would you be open to a 15-minute chat? I'll send you the questions in advance so you can decide if it's worth your time.' Luna: That last one is smart — by sending questions in advance, you're showing respect and also giving them an easy out. If they don't respond, it's not personal. Lucas: Exactly. And that removes a lot of the anxiety. You're not putting them on the spot. You're making it easy for them to say yes, and easy for them to say no. That's actually respectful. Luna: One thing I've noticed in my own career — when I lacked confidence, I tended to over-explain in the ask. I'd write a paragraph justifying why I was reaching out. That actually made it worse. Lucas: Totally. The longer the ask, the more desperate it sounds. Keep it tight. Two sentences max. The five-second rule helps with that — if you can't say it in five seconds, you're overcomplicating it. Luna: So let's say someone listens to this and still feels too scared to hit send. What's the smallest possible step they can take today? Lucas: Open LinkedIn, find someone you admire in your field, and just save their profile. That's it. No message. Just observe. Then tomorrow, write a draft message in a notes app. Don't send it. The next day, send it to a friend first for feedback. By day three, you've built a tiny momentum. Luna: That's essentially a behavioral activation approach — starting with the least scary action and building up. I like it. Lucas: And remember: the worst that can happen is they say no, or they don't respond. That's not a reflection on you. It's just timing or bandwidth. And if they do respond, you've taken a huge step. Luna: I think the broader lesson here is that mentorship isn't about being impressive. It's about being curious. Lucas: That's a great way to put it. Curiosity is a much lower bar to clear than confidence. And it's genuine. So if you feel stuck, just ask yourself: what am I genuinely curious about in this person's work? That's your opening. Luna: So next week, we'll talk about what to do once you actually get the meeting. How to make the most of that 15 minutes without feeling like a fraud. Lucas: Looking forward to it. In the meantime — if you're listening and you've been putting off that message, try the five-second rule. I bet you'll surprise yourself.