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How To Build Trust After Trauma · Trauma Free Relationship

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Welcome back to Trauma Free Relationship.
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I'm so glad you decided to join us.
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Today we are going to explore what it really takes to build
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trust with someone else, whether that be your partner or whether
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that be somebody else in your life.
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We're going to explore what that looks like.
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How do we build trust or rebuild trust in some cases when we've
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had trauma? Now, this is not an easy thing
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to do by any stretch of the imagination, but it is possible.
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And so we're going to pick apart and tease apart what makes this
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hard, but also some practical steps that we can take in order
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to do this. So by the end of this episode,
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you're going to understand the two systems inside US1, the
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system that wants us to reconnect and trust with others,
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the other one that wants to protect us and keep us safe.
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You're going to understand those protective strategies and how
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they block us from being able to build trust with others.
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And then finally, we're going to talk about some practical steps
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that we can take in order to begin building trust with others
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when we have relational trauma. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm your host, Tom Philp, and
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I've been working for years with adults who struggle with
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relational trauma so they can regain trust in themselves and
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others and experience a safe and secure relationship.
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Let's get started. OK, as I spoke about at the
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opening, we're going to talk about two different systems
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here. So when we're talking about
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building trust, there's actually a, a, a war that sort of goes on
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inside us. And I don't, I don't want to use
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hyperbole here and overstate that, but it's sometimes I, I,
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it feels like that. And I think that's best
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illustrated with the story. There's a story that comes out
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of the Native American people and it is an old tribal wise man
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and he's talking to a young tribal person in in their tribe
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and he's describing a person's heart.
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And he says a person's heart, male or female, has good
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qualities and bad qualities. The bad qualities are anger and
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envy and greed, and the other qualities represent love and
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compassion and hope. And he says there's a constant
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fighting between these two wolves that exist inside of a
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man or woman's heart. And the young tribesmen asked
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the sage, who wins, who wins that war?
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And the sage essentially replies the one that you feed.
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And so I think that best represents what we're going to
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talk about today. We've got these two systems and
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at often times they are warring against each other.
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And the one that wins is the one that we feed the most.
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So let's talk about these two systems.
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So inside everyone, baked deep into our DNA, is our system that
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longs to connect, that longs for safe and secure relationships.
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We call that the attachment system and it comes right out of
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the attachment drive. The attachment drive is located
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in an area of our brain called the amygdala, and it's also the
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very same area where the the primary emotions that we have
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are housed as well. This is why we experienced
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trauma, especially relational attachment trauma, because our
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drive to connect that that endless yearning that we have to
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get what we need in our relationships to feel safe,
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seen, heard, all the stuff is or sits right there in the middle
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of our emotional center, in the middle of our emotional brain.
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So when attachment goes wrong, that brings up really strong
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emotions and we have to adapt to attachment going wrong.
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We have to figure out other ways to preserve the relationship
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when it's not meeting our needs. And often times that means
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manipulating, changing, distorting, ignoring our
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emotions because they they are housed together.
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So our attachment system and our attachment drive is constantly
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pushing for connection with others.
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And this is especially true when we have a significant other.
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We want to be connected. We want to feel seen and heard
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and understood. And how we get that connection,
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how we seek that, or in some cases how we might avoid that if
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there's been trauma says more about our previous relationships
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than it often does our current relationship.
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But that drive is always still there.
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And so that is attachment system is constantly pushing for
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connection. Now there's another system that
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we're born with that's baked deep in our DNA and that is what
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I would call our protective or defensive system.
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And that particular system, its whole purpose, its whole design
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is to keep us safe. It has learned and has cumulated
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vast amounts of information from previous relationships that
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we've had, those that have gone well, those that have not.
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And it's stored all these in the file drawer we call our memory.
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And it knows how to recall very quickly situations that have
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gone well versus situations that have not.
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And it could immediately pull up a file and give you a list of
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things. Now, don't forget this.
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Don't forget that that have gone wrong.
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And it's wants to remind you, This is why I'm here.
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I'm here to protect us and I'm going to do my job at all costs.
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And so we have these two systems that are constantly battling for
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control. They're battling for, for, for
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the primary control of of you of the self, so to speak.
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And both of these need to be honored and they both need to be
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respected, but they also don't need to be always equal in our
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system. There are times where we have to
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lead and protect ourselves because we are in a situation
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that calls for danger or we are around somebody that is
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dangerous. And so those warning bells that
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come with our protective system, our defensive system, and that's
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essentially what anxiety is. It's a warning bell, real or
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perceived, it is there and it comes right along with that,
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that protective system. We have to figure out how can we
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honor that and respect that at times knowing we need that in
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place, but also figure out how can we lead with the attachment
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system. So there are there are these two
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systems that inside of us are constantly battling back and
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forth. And as I said, they're in some
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ways polar opposite. The attachment system wants to
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connect, the protective system wants to protect.
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These are polar opposites. You can't connect and protect at
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the same time. So that's why often times
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they're at war with each other. The attachment system wants to
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open up emotionally. It wants to be vulnerable
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because vulnerability is the royal Rd. to connection.
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But the protective system, it wants to close down and stay
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safe at all cost. So you can see how this battle
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exists in all of us. The attachment system is
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anchored in love and desperately wants to trust.
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It wants a sense of safety. It want it needs and longs for a
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safe haven and a secure base, two pillars of the attachment
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system. But the protective system is
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anchored in fear and survival, and so it will survive at all
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costs. That's part of why that's
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incredible about the human species.
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We are so adaptable. We can adapt to some of the most
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horrible, horrific, horrendous environments ever known on
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Earth. Somehow the human spirit and the
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protective system can survive and can go on.
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The attachment system says I need you.
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The protective system says I don't need anyone.
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The attachment system, as I said, seeks a safe haven and a
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secure base. It wants connection.
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It never goes away. No matter how much we might shut
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down our attachment system, no matter how much we might turn it
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off, it is still there. It still exists deep inside of
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us. I often tell people I'm working
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with, as we're working to resolve, lessen the trauma in
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their life, that deciding you don't need others, deciding you
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can sort of just be an island. And this is especially true with
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the more avoidant style of attachment.
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Those who fall into that category, that doesn't mean that
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there's a not a part of you that's just going to say, Oh
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yeah, you're right, I don't need people anymore, I'll just live
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by myself. It's extremely rare that a
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person can really exist for very long by themselves because that
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that drive for attachment, that that deep longing to be in
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relationship, it doesn't go away even in spite of trauma.
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And this is part of what I absolutely love about the
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attachment drive is it doesn't go away.
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It's always going to be there inside of us.
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So as the attachment system seeks safety and security, the
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protective system avoids potential harm.
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Again, those alarm bells go off. Anxiety is part of the
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protective system. It's part of our defenses.
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We usually feel anxious and alarm bells go off right before
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we move into some kind of a protective maneuver, whether
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that's shutting down or whether it's getting angry and replacing
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a a hurt emotion with a protective emotion, whether it's
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using some sort of psychological mechanism like projection or
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denial or gaslighting or whatever it may be.
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That warning bell goes off and says you are in danger.
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And so it is overriding the attachment system in those
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times. And then finally, the attachment
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system wants to be regulated emotionally through connection.
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It's one of its main purposes, I really believe, is that we learn
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how to regulate our emotions through connection.
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We learn how to internalize previous relationships that were
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validating, affirming, soothing people that loved us, delighted
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in his, their eyes sparkled when we showed up in their lives.
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We learn to internalize those relationships that made us feel
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important, that made us feel special, that reminded us that
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we're not alone in this life, knowing that people were going
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to be there for us when we needed them.
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We internalize those and as a result, we've built up a
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reservoir of, of soothing, comforting relationships that
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stay inside of us and help us regulate our emotions so that
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when even things go bad, even when you have a rupture with
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your partner, there's still a part of you that says, well,
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this is hard, but we'll get through this.
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We'll figure this out. But that's different than the
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protective system. The protective system wants to
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regulate through control or withdraw it.
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It turns up the heat on the partner, it demands it, it's it
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uses control, it manipulates, it does whatever it needs to do to
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try to get the partner to be able to show up and help
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regulate it even if the partners unavailable.
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It has great difficulty being able to self soothe.
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Or it shuts down and it withdraws and it says I don't
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need anybody or anything, I'm an island unto myself.
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So our protective system tries to regulate itself by either
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controlling others or completely withdrawing and shutting off our
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emotional life. If I just live in my head, then
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things will be better, things will be OK.
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And so you can see how those long term are not good options.
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Those are great options when you're in environment where you
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have no choice, when you're in a environment that that is not
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able to provide for your attachment needs.
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That's that's perfectly understandable way to adapt is
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by control or withdrawal because you may not have any choice, but
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your body still knows how and still wants to regulate through
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connection. So I hope you kind of get an
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idea. I just kind of walked through,
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it's about 6 different criteria, right, that, that differentiate
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the attachment system from the protective system.
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So the question is, how do we build trust after trauma?
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Well, we have to learn about these two different systems.
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We have to become aware of these two different systems and we
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have to be able to recognize which system is leading at which
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time. And there may be times where we
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have to challenge our our protective system, our defensive
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system, and we may have to challenge it in a way where we
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ask it to step out of the way. That this is a moment where I'm
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not in danger. Thank you very much.
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I know why you're there. I understand this part of me
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that you're trying to protect me.
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But right now, I'm not in danger and I really need to be able to
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lead with my connective system, with my attachment drive.
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I need to be able to connect to help regulate myself, to deepen
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my connection with others. Yes, that's scary.
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Yes, that's vulnerable. But I I have to be able to lead
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with the other part of me at times.
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And so being able to differentiate between these two
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systems is part of how we then invite others to be able to give
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us a different experience then that experience that actually
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created the trauma. Now, let me just briefly say
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that our partner has a role in this.
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When I say how do we build trust after trauma, our partner
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definitely has a role in that they have to be able to show up
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for us in a non-toxic way. They have to be able to respect
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our boundaries. They have to be willing to own
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their part of of the behavior in a rupture.
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They have to be able to learn how to repair.
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They have to be able to sit with some of our emotions and
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empathize with us, and they have to be emotionally consistent and
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emotionally available and responsive.
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So our partner has a role in in us being able to build trust,
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but they never will have the opportunity if we are constantly
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leading with our protective system, if our alarm bells are
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going off constantly yelling danger, danger, will Robinson
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danger. Sorry, that's a reference from a
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show in the 1970s, I think. So if you don't understand that,
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that's OK. But it's constantly going off
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danger, danger, right? If, if we're constantly leading
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with our protective system that our partner cannot lean into the
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vulnerability, they cannot learn how to connect and give us a
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different experience of being in relationship with someone.
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An experience that can undo what our brain has been wired to do,
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which is to feel safe with another human being.
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Because our brain has been wired to not feel safe.
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And so, you know, we can't hide behind our protective strategies
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and build trust. It's just not possible.
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So we have to lean into the uncomfortable feelings, and that
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means sometimes we have to challenge that protective part
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of ourselves to take the risk of being vulnerable with a partner,
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take a risk of being vulnerable with a parent or sibling when
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there's been years of ruptures in order to be able to rebuild
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that trust. And when I say rebuild trust, I
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don't mean just rebuild trust with somebody else where we now
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feel more confident that they will be there for us, but we
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rebuild trust in ourselves as well so that we give ourselves
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an experience that a relationship can be safe.
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Let's talk for a moment. How do we, how do we take some
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steps to actually differentiate these two systems?
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How do we take steps? What can we do in a Safeway that
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will allow us to soften our protective system?
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Maybe even ask it to step aside a little bit and try to lead
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with our more vulnerable system? In essence, being able to do
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this is is one of the hallmarks of resolving trauma.
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Being able to open yourself up again and lead with your
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attachment system. Lead with those longings that
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you have that are never going to go away, those longings for a
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connective relationship that is safe and secure.
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How do we differentiate between those two and how do we lead
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with the attachment system? Well, you, you don't build trust
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all at once, obviously, and you have to do this in a Safeway.
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So we need to be able to do it in small repeated bids for
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connection. So let's just start by sharing a
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feeling instead of shutting down just one feeling.
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And that means that we have to focus on our feelings.
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We have to be able to hold our more vulnerable emotions longer
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in order to be able to share one of them.
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Our partner says something and we respond with that makes me
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sad that we're not shutting down, we're not attacking back.
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We don't immediately move into a protective posture.
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We don't immediately get angry and respond with anger.
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We simply hold that emotion and express that one emotion.
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For some of you, that might be a transformative moment.
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To be able to just simply respond by saying that makes me
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sad. That makes me sad to hear that.
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But that simple moment could prompt your partner to respond
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in a completely different way. They might whip their head
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around and go, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make
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you feel that way. They might be able to show up
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for us differently in the ways I talked about just a few minutes
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ago. They might be able to show up
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more open hearted themselves, more vulnerable themselves.
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They might be able to respond to that emotion in a much more safe
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and secure manner as opposed to well, that's a stupid thing to
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say. I can't believe you said that,
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you know, using your anger and defensive system to lead instead
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of just saying that makes me sad or that hurts my feelings when
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you say that. And so being able to just share
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one small feeling instead of shutting down or instead of
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using a wall of emotions, like a lot of times the more anxious
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style of attachment, they'll use a wall of emotions just kind of
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go off and all over and everything seems angry and hard
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and sharp to the partner. And all of a sudden they're
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getting this wall of emotionality.
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Emotionality is not true emotion.
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It's not core emotion. It's a protective way of really
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protecting the more vulnerable emotion of say, sadness.
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So sometimes just sharing one feeling and not shutting down or
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not using a wall of emotion can be a transformative moment form
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us. Being able to ask your partner
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for comfort. I've had a bad day.
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Could you just hold me? I've had a bad day.
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Could you just listen as I talk about it for a few moments?
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I don't, I don't need you to try to solve anything.
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I really just need you to try to be able to listen and, and hear
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me out. And I just kind of want to vent
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a little bit and I'd really appreciate somebody just being
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there. Can you just listen or being
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able to let your partner know when you're scared instead of
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withdrawing. And this is a big one,
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especially for the withdrawal, because often times there's a
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lot of fear. I mean, there's fear behind the,
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the anxious attachment style as well, for sure.
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But a lot of times it's the fear of escalation, the fear of an
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argument, the fear of not being really understood that causes
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the withdrawing. And so letting your partner know
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I'm scared. We've been, we've been, we've
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been arguing a lot lately. And it really scares me for us.
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Wow, That could be a transformative moment for you
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and your relationship if you were able to lean into and hold
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on to that fear long enough to be able to communicate that.
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Because that might allow your partner to show up differently.
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And in that brief encounter where you lean in to the
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attachment system and you hold a feeling that's vulnerable and
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you communicate it in a way that's softer, and your
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partner's able to show up for you and meet you in that moment,
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that creates trust that rewires your brain, that gives you an
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opportunity to build trust not only with your partner, Oh my
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gosh, they can show up for me, but also trust in yourself.
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Oh my gosh, I can do this. This feels so much better.
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So each moment of connection that doesn't result in harm, it
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helps retrain your nervous system to believe that trust is
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possible. So those are just some ideas and
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little ways. And for us to be able to lead
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with our attachment system after trauma, it really means being
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able to listen to our longings without abandoning our need for
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safety. This is why I say take small
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steps. Start with sharing one feeling,
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one vulnerable emotion. Start recognizing and learning
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how to hold that feeling long enough that that you don't move
24:34
into your protective system. You can override or at least get
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your protective system to step aside for a few minutes, letting
24:43
your protective protection, excuse me, inform your pace, but
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not dictate your path. That's really important.
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Hey, I'm scared right now and I recognize that you're trying to
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protect me, but I need you to soften and step out of the way.
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I'm going to try this. So recognizing I, I might be
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perceiving I'm in danger, but it doesn't mean I'm really in
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danger. And I need to be able to
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differentiate those two and allowing small embodied
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experiences of trust to be able to rewire your nervous system
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when your partner can show up for you in ways that feel safe
25:23
and secure, that is helping you teach your body, your nervous
25:28
system that it is safe to trust after trauma.
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Thank you so much for listening. I hope you found a lot of value
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out of this. My name is Tom Philp, and I'm
25:39
here to remind you to stay grounded, clear, and connected.