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Transcript

Terminally Online (Subscription Show Best-Of!) · Pod Save America

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey, everyone. Hey, John. We are off today. We're all
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: enjoying our Memorial Day. But we wanted to share this
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: best of episode from our new subscription exclusive show, Terminally Online.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: I bet I'm featured a lot in this. Cool. There's
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: a revolving cast in the show that includes us, the
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: three of us, with some of your favorite Crooked producers
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: and staff. And we basically gather to commiserate about being
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: way too online. Yes, we do. Which we are. as
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: we make shows here at Crooked Media. Except for me,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty offline. I'm super chill now. Yeah, I just
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: don't know if you guys know that. Have you seen
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: what Cat Turd said lately? It's out of control.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Human Xanax, we call him here.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: I did bring Cat Turd up during Pod Save America.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: That's a good hour ago. Anyway, we hope you enjoy it.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: It's so fun. I love this show. It's so fun
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: recording Terminally Online. So if you want access to weekly
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: episodes of Terminally Online and so much more, Head to crooked.com
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: slash friends and subscribe today. A lot of benefits to
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: being a subscriber. You get to be part of the community.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: You get to be in the Discord channel. Be a sub.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: You can be a sub. You can be a friend
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: with benefits. You can be a friend with benefits. You
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: can help Vote Save America. There's one tier where love
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: it comes to your house. even if you don't want
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: them to.
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: You can pay for that to happen or not happen. Right,
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: it's like bidding on a dinner with McCarthy. $ 100, 000, you
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: get dinner. $ 200, 000, you get to eat alone.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Anyway, you're going to hear a bunch of different voices
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: in the excerpts. This is a best-of show of Terminally
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Online that we put together for you today. And here
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: it is now, Terminally Online. Enjoy it.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: Terminally Online.
• 1:36
  Speaker 4: All right, I'm jumping in. We're starting. No small talk.
• 1:38
  Speaker 4: Welcome to Terminally Online, the crooked subscription show. I'm Elijah Cohn.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: I'm Jon Favreau. I'm Jon.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: I'm just imagining Elijah saying that on a first date.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Jump in right in. No small talk. I'm Elijah.
• 1:52
  Speaker 5: I'm Hallie Cooper.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: I'm Tommy Vitor.
• 1:53
  Speaker 4: This is a chance for us to commiserate about being
• 1:55
  Speaker 4: way too online as we work here at Crooked Media
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: and cover the news. So we're going to start with
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: a little bit of an audience Q & A, one
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: or two questions.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Oh, all right. No one told us this.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: Guys, I was like, I don't care about the writer's track.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: You're tearing up this script. We're doing it my way.
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: Hey, pencils down, people.
• 2:11
  Speaker 4: And then we're going to end with a little segment
• 2:13
  Speaker 4: I'm calling Advice Column. So we're trying things out here.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: Ooh.
• 2:18
  Speaker 5: What a clever name.
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Thank you, Allie.
• 2:22
  Speaker 5: Also, to put it in air quotes, was it even
• 2:24
  Speaker 5: more insane than that?
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: One thing we like to do on the show is
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: bully Elijah because he's on Zoom. That's exactly what happens.
• 2:31
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's easy. I'm muted all the time. Jon Favreau,
• 2:35
  Speaker 4: what is the moment you realized that you were too
• 2:36
  Speaker 4: online this week?
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: The moment I knew that I was terminally online this
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: week is when I found myself knowing every detail of
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: the fight between Elon Musk and Matt Taibbi.
• 2:50
  Speaker 6: Oh, okay.
• 2:50
  Speaker 4: That's a tough one.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that was there. So, for all of you who
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: have not followed this.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: I was riding shotgun with you, pal.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Matt Taibbi, former lefty journalist who's gone all the way
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: around the political horseshoe. Now he's a righty media guy.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Elon Musk hands him a bunch of internal Twitter info,
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Twitter emails, which is supposed to show that the previous
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Twitter leadership was in cahoots with the deep state.
• 3:12
  Speaker 6: Mm-hmm.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: To censor conservatives and defeat Donald Trump. The Twitter files.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: The Twitter files, they're called. Branded now. They did not
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: show that. They did not show that. Taibbi also has
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: a Substack newsletter. This becomes an issue when recently Elon
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: goes to war with Substack over their new notes feature,
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: which is like Twitter, but with fewer Nazis. Elon then
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: restricts tweets from Substack links because he believes so hard
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: in free speech. Then Matt Taibbi announces he's leaving twitter
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: for notes elon then says tybee was a former employee
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: of substack which is not true and that substack was
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: trying to steal data from twitter which is also not
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: true uh and we know that because then twitter stopped
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: shadow banning substack links but even though you thought this
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: was all over after they stopped banning substack what happened.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: Like a hand through a graveyard.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Elon, he just kept on posting. He just keeps on posting.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Posts through it. And he replied to a tweet from
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: one of his other Twitter Files fanboys, Michael Schellenberger, with
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: screenshots of his private signal conversation with Taibbi that he
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: thought would prove that Taibbi was in fact a Substack employee.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: So we're looking at screenshots.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: It's like a Jenga board.
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: For everyone, if you're just tuning in, John has now
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: brought to us screenshots between Matt Taibbi and Elon Musk
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: in Signal.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Here's what's amazing is that Elon thought that these private
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Signal messages would prove that Matt Taibbi was an employee
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: of Substack. As he says in the DMs, I was
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: never a Substack employee. I was merely one of the
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: first contributors. So the great aha moment from Elon Musk,
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: which he proved that he was right this whole time,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: just was nothing. And then Elon had to delete these
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: because he then felt bad.
• 5:10
  Speaker 7: This is a genuine question. Do you think Elon Musk
• 5:12
  Speaker 7: could read? Like seeing that, I'm like, I genuinely don't
• 5:15
  Speaker 7: know at this point.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: It's like ready, fire, aim on every issue. All the time.
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: The interesting thing about it is he really is just
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: a Twitter power user with too much authority now.
• 5:25
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: Because he really is just he posts through it. He
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: says whatever's on his mind. He makes mistakes. He gets
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: shit wrong. He's just he's the ultimate Twitter avatar.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: He just tweeted just a couple of minutes ago that
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: defund NPR. He gave an interview with BBC last night
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: where he someone said, well, you promise you'd step down
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: as CEO if you lost the poll. And you did
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: lose that poll, so why haven't you stepped down? He said,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: my dog is now CEO of Twitter. And that's what
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: he just kept saying. He just has the worst sense
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: of humor. It's the worst sense of humor.
• 5:54
  Speaker 5: Now, did you see they took W out of Twitter,
• 5:56
  Speaker 5: so it says titter.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: On the side of the building.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: And they reply to every press request with an automatic
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: poop emoji.
• 6:01
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 6:02
  Speaker 7: All this is like a piecing together a suicide note
• 6:05
  Speaker 7: over time. If I started to do all this stuff,
• 6:08
  Speaker 7: I'd be like, yeah, things are really falling apart for her.
• 6:11
  Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Anyway, that's what I got. Too well lied. Way too
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: well lied.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: Listen, if you want to go deeper, watch the Nnedi
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: Hassan interview with Matt Taibbi where Matt Taibbi does not
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: look good.
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: No, he doesn't. I think it's a five, John. I
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: think that's terminal.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: No, I think you know too much. I think you've
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: seen too much.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: I think I came with a pretty weak entry last time,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: so I wanted to make sure I was sufficiently terminal
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: this time.
• 6:35
  Speaker 7: You're terminal. I'm going to give it a four, though,
• 6:37
  Speaker 7: because I feel like we could do better.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Room to grow.
• 6:39
  Speaker 5: Not me personally, but what.
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: Are you guys? Okay, cool.
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: Well, I mean, death is, you know, you don't get
• 6:43
  Speaker 4: more dead. He's there. Let's find out.
• 6:46
  Speaker 7: Let's keep this segment rolling and find out.
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: One note on this is that Elon Musk says he's
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: going to get rid of blue check marks for people
• 6:54
  Speaker 4: who don't pay for Twitter blue on 420, which is
• 6:56
  Speaker 4: so cool, so funny. What are we going to do
• 6:58
  Speaker 4: with the Pod Save America handle? Are we going to
• 7:00
  Speaker 4: pay for Twitter blue?
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: Oh, we are not going to pay Elon Musk one
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: fucking red penny. Absolutely not. Absolutely. You'll know when we
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: paid Elon because I won't work here anymore. That'll be
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: my last fucking day.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: Just dying breath, people.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: The Tesla owner over here.
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to get rid of it. I can't offload it.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like driving around
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: with it. Where's the ad for it? Your tune has changed.
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: What do you mean my tune has changed? I've been
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: trying to get rid of this thing for fucking months.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: Who wants it? It's a rattly fucking.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: How have you been trying? Talk to us about the process.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to find another car that I like. Have
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: you been on Craigslist? I need to find it. Is
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: it in the wanted ads in the back of the newspaper?
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: The thing is, the thing is, the thing is, there's
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: a car I want, but it's not out yet.
• 7:42
  Speaker 5: Is it the Cybertruck?
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: Love it.
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: It's a Cybertruck. Guys, it's a Cybertruck.
• 7:50
  Speaker 7: Well, it was nice to know you because you'll be
• 7:52
  Speaker 7: dead within days when you have that thing. They tweeted
• 7:55
  Speaker 7: a photo of the Cybertruck, like the newest one. And
• 7:58
  Speaker 7: even in that photo, like you could see like the
• 7:59
  Speaker 7: panels are peeling off.
• 8:00
  Speaker 5: And I'm like, what?
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: He didn't own Twitter when I got the fucking Tesla.
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: He was a little annoying, but I didn't know it
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: was going to be like this.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: I just remember a fairly recent episode of Pod Save
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: America where you were like.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Come at me, bros. I love my Tesla. It's amazing.
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: I know, but then he really went too far. Okay.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: Much like Starbucks and the olive oil.
• 8:22
  Speaker 5: We all have to learn, you know.
• 8:24
  Speaker 8: Love it.
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: When were you terminally online this week?
• 8:27
  Speaker 3: So now I've been mocked for this in the past,
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: and I'm sure I will again. I am part of
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: basically I think what amounts for QAnon, but if the
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: Q stood for queer.
• 8:39
  Speaker 8: Mm-hmm.
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: And that is people who look for signals on the
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: internet that Taylor Swift is trying to communicate that she's
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: in some way not straight. Like Al Jazeera and Al Qaeda. Yeah,
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: like she's blinking out the fucking SOS. Like SOS, like beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: I'm bi, you know?
• 8:58
  Speaker 5: You're a galer.
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: I'm a galer. You looking for those Easter eggs? I'm
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: looking for those Easter eggs everywhere. Now, her tour, the
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: ERA tour, ERA's tour, has begun. And there are signs.
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: But I don't want to really, we can show a
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: clip that gives you a taste of what's happening out there.
• 9:14
  Speaker 6: Okay, so just to recap, Taylor Swift opened the heiress
• 9:20
  Speaker 6: tour like this. Hanging invisible string in front of smoke
• 9:23
  Speaker 6: that looks very suspiciously familiar. Had this background up during
• 9:28
  Speaker 6: the fair. Until she got to the line that says,
• 9:30
  Speaker 6: you showed me colors you know I can't see with
• 9:32
  Speaker 6: anyone else. When it faded to black and white.
• 9:35
  Speaker 5: Had all of this shit.
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: So basically, there's a claim that like in the color
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: she's wearing on stage, she is doing various versions of
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: the pride flag.
• 9:43
  Speaker 6: Right.
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: In that case, the lesbian, the lesbian flag. Now, there
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: is a moment later where it's there does seem to
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: be there's a suggestion that her outfits are meant to
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: mirror Carly Klaus outfits, including the moment Karlie Kloss outfits,
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: not Claus, like Santa Claus, Karlie Kloss outfits.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Jack Nicklaus. Santa Claus's daughter.
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: Nepo baby, Santa Claus's daughter, Karlie Kloss, who got everything
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: handed to her from the fucking wealth of the North Pole.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: And nobody talks about it. But there's a moment on.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: Stage where she says none of it was accidental, where
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: she is dressed like and on a stage like a
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: moment Karlie Kloss had.
• 10:22
  Speaker 5: Please, this woman is a walking pride flag.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: But I don't want to talk about that. This is
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: not actually what makes me too online. Because a lot
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: of people know and talk about this. That's not what
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: I'm talking about today. Here's what I'm talking about today.
• 10:32
  Speaker 4: Let's go deeper.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: Let's go deeper. There's also a question about how Taylor
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: Swift gets to the stage before the show even begins.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: And there are basically people. This is the suitcase rumor?
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: No, no, no.
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: This is people trying to get evidence. Can we show
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: the clip of the janitorial cart moving through the arena?
• 10:51
  Speaker 6: Mm-hmm.
• 10:51
  Speaker 7: You're building a case, which I really appreciate. This is
• 10:54
  Speaker 7: Gwyneth Paltrow's trial all over again. This is you as
• 10:55
  Speaker 7: your lawyer, so.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: So there's lots of footage like this of a janitorial
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: cart moving around the arena. The only problem is it
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: is rare to see a cart that big moved by
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: two security guards with headsets on, followed by several other
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: security guards. But then, finally, at long last, after many
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: clips like this, we have the proof that this is
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: a fake cart Because there it is.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: This is like the Zabruder film. The cart is parked.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: The door opens.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: And out comes Taylor Swift from inside the janitorial cart.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Wow. It was a fake cart after all. And I
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: do believe she's bisexual.
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: These things are unrelated. I thought the cart was somehow related.
• 11:43
  Speaker 8: Okay.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: They're very unrelated.
• 11:45
  Speaker 5: They're related.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you.
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: I would just like the three straight men not to
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: tell me it's unrelated. Hallie and I understand as queer
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: people that the cart and the bisexuality are tied inextricably together.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: She's coming out of the cart?
• 11:56
  Speaker 8: You bet.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Exactly.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: Smart.
• 11:59
  Speaker 7: First of all, the footage does look like it's being
• 12:01
  Speaker 7: shot from the top of a bell tower, which I
• 12:03
  Speaker 7: find very.
• 12:03
  Speaker 5: I'm like, who is filming this?
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Second gunman on a grassy knoll. Is that what you're saying?
• 12:07
  Speaker 5: Well, or obviously a book depository. Yeah, absolutely. It's from an...
• 12:11
  Speaker 5: an uncomfortable angle in my mind.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: Thank you for getting that.
• 12:14
  Speaker 5: Sadly, I unfortunately, I.
• 12:15
  Speaker 7: Do think she's bisexual as well. But that's almost, that's
• 12:19
  Speaker 7: much more of a bummer than if she was just straight.
• 12:22
  Speaker 7: Because then it's like, oh, you can only convey your
• 12:24
  Speaker 7: bisexuality through smoke. And little, like your little outfits. That's
• 12:29
  Speaker 7: such a, as a queer person, such a bummer. But
• 12:30
  Speaker 7: I 100% both believe the conspiracy.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: We're part of QAnon.
• 12:34
  Speaker 5: Queeranon, yes. And I'm glad to see confirmation that she
• 12:36
  Speaker 5: was in the cart.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: Thank you for sharing this.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: She was in the cart too. I do not believe this.
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: Okay, that's fine. You don't have to.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: It's not for you.
• 12:43
  Speaker 5: You're a Hitler, I believe.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: No, I just think that.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: They're called Hetlers. We're Gaylers and you're Hetlers.
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: Hitler?
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: Hitler. No, you said Hitler. It's Hitler. Heil Hitler. Heterosexual. Okay. Okay. Okay.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: Okay, Harlan.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: Want to see my backyard? The way that she is,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I just think that her hints about her bisexuality would
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: be a little more obvious. You'd hope, but... When she
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: wants to communicate something, she really lets you know.
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: We can't give her a little time? We're giving her time.
• 13:14
  Speaker 5: She's got all the time in the world. No one's
• 13:15
  Speaker 5: going to.
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: I support whatever choice and path that she's on, whether
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: it's real or not.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, of course.
• 13:19
  Speaker 5: It's just unfortunate. If she is bi, she has to
• 13:22
  Speaker 5: hide the half of herself.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: You hate to see it. In a cart of secrets.
• 13:26
  Speaker 8: Right.
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: In a janitorial cart of shame.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: People thought that she went into her apartment in New
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: York once in a suitcase, I believe. Yes, I remember
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: this as well. That's a thing? Looking at Simone, Simone
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: would know. I'm sure she did. Well, now that I've
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: seen the janitor card, now I believe that more. She
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: loves to be moved around in luggage. I'm cart-filled. She
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: likes to be moved around in surprising containers.
• 13:47
  Speaker 4: How online is love it?
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: All right, well, give me a number.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Honestly, I think that's pretty impressively online yeah four that's
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: a four that's a four i'm gonna give it.
• 13:54
  Speaker 7: A three only because there is such a no offense
• 13:56
  Speaker 7: to a baseline of conspiracy information available online there are
• 14:01
  Speaker 7: dossiers about taylor swift being queer so you were building
• 14:04
  Speaker 7: on it but it's like again being a lawyer which
• 14:06
  Speaker 7: you are for this case there's there's precedent there are
• 14:09
  Speaker 7: books for you to refer to like you're building on.
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: Decades at this point i stand on the shoulders of giants.
• 14:13
  Speaker 7: Exactly 100 so i'm gonna say three not quite as
• 14:15
  Speaker 7: online as it might seem.
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: It's all on hunter's laptop um damn it All right,
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: we'll say three and a half to be continued. Tommy,
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: when did you realize that you were terminally online this week?
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: So I want to talk to you all about the
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: most useless feature in all of social media, which is
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: the Twitter what's happening section on the right side of
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: the homepage. If you log on to Twitter on the web,
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: there's a little section on the right hand side of
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: the screen. I would say a solid 75% of the
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: time you see a name trending for some reason, maybe
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: trending just for you.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: You click on it.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: And it's a series of unfunny, redundant jokes and memes
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: about how everyone thought that person was dead. Uh, and
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: then generally no actual actionable or useful information to help
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: you figure out why that person is trending.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: You're just hoping it's not your name.
• 15:01
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: You just know you don't want to be.
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: So check to make sure you're not trending. They get
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: your copy.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: So I was looking for a topic for today. And, uh,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: For example, today I saw that Epstein was trending.
• 15:12
  Speaker 5: All right.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: So I'm like, all right, I'll bite.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: I'll play ball. I know he's still alive.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: I click on it. It's a couple tweets about Jeffrey Epstein,
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: your pal. And on the island.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: And on the island.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: A couple more about Brian Epstein, the guy who discovered
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: the Beatles, a clinical trial for a vaccine to treat
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: the Epstein-Barr virus, and then a tweet by someone with
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: the last name Epstein.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: Who is this for?
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: Who is this helping?
• 15:37
  Speaker 7: Yeah.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Bringing those things together.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: Well, it seems like it's probably because it's now broken. A,
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: the platform doesn't have enough tweets to probably fulfill what's happening.
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: And B, there probably used to be a whole team
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: that was like, hey, this is too many topics mixed together.
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: But he fucking shitcanned those people six months ago. This
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: has been a useless feature for a long time.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: There's a Pepe frog. There were some cringy tweets about
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: TFG getting arrested. There was this video that we'll show
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: you right now. Basset hounds walking over a log.
• 16:06
  Speaker 5: See, now that's worth it, my friend.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: I like that.
• 16:08
  Speaker 5: Now I'm back on board.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: This is great.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: And then there was some extremely graphic pornography that we
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: will not throw to you.
• 16:16
  Speaker 4: Did Ted Cruz post it?
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Who is this for? And what's wrong with me that
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: I continue to click? Epstein. I'm clicking on the Epstein
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: for sure.
• 16:24
  Speaker 5: It is designed much like Twitter is breaking.
• 16:27
  Speaker 7: It's like it is designed to break you like the
• 16:29
  Speaker 7: logic is broken. So it's designed to mentally break our
• 16:33
  Speaker 7: ability to seek logic.
• 16:34
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 16:35
  Speaker 5: It's not good.
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: Look, we were all spiders crawling on the Internet. And
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: then Elon came along and ripped off each of one
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: of our legs. And now we're kind of running around
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: a little kind of circles. Can't make sense of it.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: I'm looking. Michael Cohen for $ 500 is trending. That's interesting
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: to me.
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: Because Trump is suing Michael Cohen for $ 500 million for
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: breach of contract. I got to tell you, just like 30,000
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: of you, Trump's got a great case. Michael Cohen has
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: been a terrible lawyer for Donald Trump. Definitely, right?
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: He's right about that. Not a good lawyer. Totally violated privilege.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Would not hire him to be my lawyer. Terrible lawyer.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: Absolutely not.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: I hope Donald Trump wins that one. Ohio is trending.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Oh, good.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: All the information I could ever want about fucking Ohio.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Good for NPR. Hashtag stuck market.
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: That'll narrow it down.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Tesla's trending. I wonder if this is about Lovett's car
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: that he's trying to sell.
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: And hey, listen, if you're one of our many wonderful
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: friends of the pod and part of the community and
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: you're in the market for a barely used Tesla that
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: does rattle on the highway, like you're being shaken by God.
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: And then inexplicably, every time you make a left turn,
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: it sounds like a fucking bowling ball is rolling somewhere
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: to the right.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: We will be introducing a special tier where you can
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: pay for it. And then you will get the Tesla. Oh,
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: that's a contest. If you join that tier.
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: It's a very special tier that does come with the Tesla.
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: Price to move, people. Price to move.
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: It is cool that NPR was just like, it's not
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: a good platform.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I respect that.
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: We're leaving it entirely.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: I do respect that. Well, it's actually the thing.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: We've also noticed this over the years that like, People
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: don't click through. When we, when we post pods, it
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: doesn't lead to listens. It doesn't do anything.
• 18:03
  Speaker 4: It's not at all.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: It's the worst engagement. Like you can look at a tweet,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: send a tweet that has like 2 million views and
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: you'll get like 10,000 link clicks.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: It's terrible.
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: And, but because it sucked up all the oxygen for
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: every other kind of social, it's like, Maybe that was
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: preventing something that would have had better kind of click-throughs
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: that doesn't exist because Twitter was the kind of central hub.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Let's all move to notes. We ready to move to notes?
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: I'll go wherever people tell me to go.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: I'm definitely not tooting.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: You're not on post.news?
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: No. I'm not on post. Are you on post? I
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: logged in once.
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: Oh, okay.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: How is it? That's why I was on notes and
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: a lot of people were being like, hey, I'm here
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: on notes. Here's the thing.
• 18:41
  Speaker 4: I think, actually, the Crooked Discord is a lovely alternative
• 18:43
  Speaker 4: to Twitter.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I like the Crooked Discord. We've got a good squad.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: I'm enjoying some folks on there.
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: There's also the Marketplace where you can buy cars, sell
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: cars to everyone.
• 18:53
  Speaker 7: I'm a big Facebook Marketplace gal, I'll be honest.
• 18:57
  Speaker 5: That's where it's all happening.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Crooked used. should we rank Tommy?
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah, let's do it. I think he is, this is
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: indicative that he's not very online at all. Didn't really
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: come prepared. Just went to the trending page on like the,
• 19:09
  Speaker 4: it's okay. I'm not really prepared either.
• 19:10
  Speaker 7: So I think less prepared. So that's the reaction to Tommy.
• 19:13
  Speaker 7: I will give you a two though.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: I'll give you a two.
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: I'll give you a two.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: I'll take it.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: Listen, you guys go down that rabbit hole.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: It's also just sort of like, you know what? Honestly,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: this is what you deserve.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: You're like, I come to get funny little jokes about
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: the workplace. It's Friday o'clock somewhere.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I said you had like ass cheeks clapping in your
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: face like an oldie fan stars.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: That kind of thing.
• 19:39
  Speaker 4: Hallie, when did you realize that you were terminally online
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: this week?
• 19:41
  Speaker 5: Well, so I also came unprepared.
• 19:43
  Speaker 7: I was offered a dispensation by Elijah as the god
• 19:47
  Speaker 7: of this segment to talk about producing a segment that
• 19:50
  Speaker 7: relates to something that's very online. But again, Elijah told
• 19:53
  Speaker 7: me I couldn't talk about it because he talked about
• 19:54
  Speaker 7: it last week, but basically I'd love it or leave.
• 19:56
  Speaker 5: It last week.
• 19:57
  Speaker 7: We were in solidarity with Dylan Mulvaney, the trans woman
• 20:01
  Speaker 7: who is now literally like being torn apart by the
• 20:05
  Speaker 7: right constantly.
• 20:06
  Speaker 5: For doing a Bud Light ad.
• 20:07
  Speaker 7: And she's also done other ads like a Nike ad
• 20:10
  Speaker 7: and sort of has become this avatar of right vitriol.
• 20:14
  Speaker 7: In support of her, we did buy some Bud Lights
• 20:16
  Speaker 7: that we were going to chug on stage. And again,
• 20:20
  Speaker 7: there was a video where Kid Rock shot up a
• 20:22
  Speaker 7: bunch of cases of Bud Light. You don't like to
• 20:24
  Speaker 7: see somebody so threatened by the presence of a trans woman,
• 20:27
  Speaker 7: they shoot something. It just, the whole thing was bad.
• 20:29
  Speaker 7: So I thought, we'll get some Bud Lights. We'll drink
• 20:31
  Speaker 7: them on stage in solidarity. And it all made sense.
• 20:34
  Speaker 7: So I might, I haven't had a Bud Light since
• 20:35
  Speaker 7: I was in college and I bring them out and
• 20:38
  Speaker 7: we weren't, we weren't going to shock on them because
• 20:39
  Speaker 7: they have a rug at the LA's beautiful dynasty typewriter.
• 20:42
  Speaker 5: Please come see it. We're there every Thursday.
• 20:45
  Speaker 7: But I bring it out and I don't know. I'd
• 20:46
  Speaker 7: love to know your reaction because we crack them open.
• 20:48
  Speaker 7: I'm like, all right, this is a funny bit. It
• 20:50
  Speaker 7: will take us 30 seconds. The second that dirty fucking
• 20:54
  Speaker 7: dishwater hit my mouth. I, first.
• 20:57
  Speaker 5: Of all, discuss will.
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 21:00
  Speaker 5: No offense, Bud Light. You're going to be a sponsor.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: It is a fence.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: It's a deep offense.
• 21:04
  Speaker 7: No, if you're 18, you don't have taste buds or whatever,
• 21:07
  Speaker 7: that's fine. And then two, it was like a surge
• 21:10
  Speaker 7: of every college memory of drinking that shit and then
• 21:13
  Speaker 7: just drinking like nine of them and throwing up in
• 21:15
  Speaker 7: front of your friend or whatever.
• 21:17
  Speaker 5: Then we both mutually put it down and said, I'm sorry,
• 21:19
  Speaker 5: this was a bad bit.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: We just killed, we just got out. And love it,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: chugged a whole thing of milk. On stage in Wisconsin.
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: It's the carbonation and the cold that really killed it
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: for me.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: Should have shotgunned it. Should have shotgunned it? Yeah, why
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: didn't you?
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: Because the rug, we didn't want to smell the rug.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: We were ready to get in trouble.
• 21:34
  Speaker 7: It would have at least been funnier, but also I
• 21:36
  Speaker 7: literally couldn't even swallow the first sip because it was
• 21:39
  Speaker 7: so rank.
• 21:39
  Speaker 5: You could have drank it.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: I don't mind Bud Light.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I prefer Miller Light.
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: I prefer Miller Light.
• 21:43
  Speaker 4: I'm getting excited to drink Bud Light just talking about
• 21:46
  Speaker 4: this right now.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: I would have a Bud Light right now with this segment.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I think you're both ridiculous.
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: I didn't dislike it. It was just too cold to chug.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: Too cold?
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: See, and now I know for next time.
• 21:53
  Speaker 5: To me, it had to be ice cold because it
• 21:54
  Speaker 5: tastes like, again, rat piss. So I just didn't want
• 21:57
  Speaker 5: it to be warm.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: You guys are not on my team for the case race.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: That's for sure.
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: It took me too long to drink the chocolate milk
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: in Wisconsin because it was so cold. An ice cream headache.
• 22:05
  Speaker 7: And this is good production knowledge for me, is that
• 22:07
  Speaker 7: if you want to drink a liquid, a lot of
• 22:09
  Speaker 7: it has to be warm.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: And I should know that about you. You can't do
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: warm milk, though. Jesus Christ. It's horrific. It's as bad
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: as the coffee.
• 22:16
  Speaker 7: So the only reason I think it is online is
• 22:19
  Speaker 7: because I saw something online and I was so moved
• 22:21
  Speaker 7: that I brought it to real life, which one would
• 22:23
  Speaker 7: argue is actually the most online thing to do, is
• 22:25
  Speaker 7: that I brought it from online back into reality. And
• 22:28
  Speaker 7: I think as a queer person, these are just going
• 22:30
  Speaker 7: to keep happening, especially as it relates to trans people,
• 22:32
  Speaker 7: like these corporate dicks pride gestures are going to keep running,
• 22:36
  Speaker 7: be running up against like the rights need to create
• 22:38
  Speaker 7: like a constant, like, you know what I mean? The
• 22:41
  Speaker 7: constant churn of hysteria and an argument or whatever. And
• 22:44
  Speaker 7: I think as a queer person, it's like, I'm obviously
• 22:45
  Speaker 7: going to support any queer trans person, but it does.
• 22:48
  Speaker 7: I brought a physical manifestation of the feeling of, of this,
• 22:51
  Speaker 7: which is, this is a nutcracker I bought at target
• 22:55
  Speaker 7: over the holidays, which is a pride nutcracker.
• 22:57
  Speaker 5: It has pink hair and makeup and a pride flag.
• 23:01
  Speaker 5: And this is, I think.
• 23:01
  Speaker 7: Where we're at, where it's like, corporations are like, I
• 23:04
  Speaker 7: think this is what a queer person is, maybe, so
• 23:06
  Speaker 7: we'll make a nutcracker for them.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: Can I say that for one second?
• 23:08
  Speaker 4: Which I don't hate.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: Made in China.
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: And it was surely made by fucking tortured Uyghurs.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: It's unbelievable.
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: There it is.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: There it is. This is what corporate pride is now.
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: A Christmas symbol made gay, manufactured by people in impoverished conditions.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: Exactly.
• 23:22
  Speaker 7: And so we have this, and eventually, hopefully, we'll have
• 23:25
  Speaker 7: real liberation, but in the meantime, it's like, I will
• 23:27
  Speaker 7: drink the Bud Light, not because I want to support
• 23:29
  Speaker 7: Bud Light, but I will support the gesture of pride.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: You could just buy it and dump it out. We did.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: It sounds to me like you were very online. You
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: tried to go touch grass and then didn't like it,
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: so then you went back online. I touched it the
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: wrong way.
• 23:45
  Speaker 5: My hands are all bad now.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: You were inspired by Kid Rock and you were like,
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: I stand with kids, so you got your Harry Potter
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: book and you trashed some Bud Light.
• 23:51
  Speaker 7: I'm going to shoot something you like. I'm going to
• 23:53
  Speaker 7: shoot that Snappable. The fact you're drinking Snapple out of
• 23:56
  Speaker 7: a glass with no ice is, to.
• 23:58
  Speaker 5: Me, insane.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Listen, I wasn't trying to give them a branded image.
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: Okay, that's fair.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 24:04
  Speaker 5: So I don't know. What would that rank?
• 24:06
  Speaker 4: I think a four. Three and a half.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: I'm giving you a two.
• 24:09
  Speaker 7: Okay.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: I think two.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: I think Kid Rock sucks and you were right to
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: try to tell him to fuck off.
• 24:13
  Speaker 5: Thank you. Thank you, Tabi.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Love his music.
• 24:17
  Speaker 4: Cool, we'll just put you right in.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Love his music. Love his music. I mean, look, he's
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: obviously an incredible musician. He's an artist. He's an artist.
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: He's an incredible artist. We need to separate that art
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: from the artist.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: We have to.
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: When it comes to Kid Rock.
• 24:26
  Speaker 5: Much like how Hitler was a great musician.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Like Caravaggio. Much like Hitler.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: Speaking of Hitler, did you see the video of Kid
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: Rock DJing at Mar-a-Lago and he couldn't get it to
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: work and Donald Trump Jr.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: Was like, oh my God. He's like going live. Like,
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: how crazy is this? It's fucking like.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: It's a funeral home with Kid Rock DJing.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: That's very online right there. Tommy just saved himself. You
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: should have come here. Why didn't you come with that?
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: Now he gets a 405 right there.
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: You see this?
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: No.
• 24:54
  Speaker 4: Tommy always upgrades himself like halfway through the episode. He
• 24:56
  Speaker 4: brings a pretty tame topic and then he jumps on
• 24:59
  Speaker 4: someone else's.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: I did.
• 25:00
  Speaker 7: I also want to say, because people seeing this are
• 25:02
  Speaker 7: paying for it, you need to know how filthy Tommy's keyboard.
• 25:05
  Speaker 5: And I am a discussion person.
• 25:07
  Speaker 7: It looks like there's like Nutella on your keyboard right now.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: The issue is there's something sticky got on and then
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: it got a layer of fuzz. Okay, all right. You
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: know what happens now. Oh yeah, my coffee has a
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: little olive oil in it. I'm disgusting.
• 25:19
  Speaker 5: No, it's still pretty gross though.
• 25:25
  Speaker 4: My Terminally Online, I was going to do HBO Max
• 25:30
  Speaker 4: turning into just simply Max, which is strange. But then
• 25:33
  Speaker 4: I kind of realized it was just a take about Succession.
• 25:36
  Speaker 4: So I'll get to the Succession thing. I'll just point out,
• 25:39
  Speaker 4: if you have HBO Max and you enjoy watching Succession,
• 25:42
  Speaker 4: you have to download a whole new app. HBO Max
• 25:45
  Speaker 4: is changing to an app called Max, and it's not
• 25:48
  Speaker 4: going to update. You're not just going to get a
• 25:50
  Speaker 4: new logo on your Roku or whatever the fuck. You
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: have to go download a whole new app called Max,
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: or on Sunday, you're not going to be able to
• 25:57
  Speaker 4: watch the season finale of Succession.
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's why they did it. They did it so
• 26:00
  Speaker 3: that they would make sure people would download it.
• 26:02
  Speaker 4: Oh, that's smart. Oh, okay. I think it's also going
• 26:05
  Speaker 4: to be a nightmare on Sunday. There's going to be
• 26:07
  Speaker 4: a ton of people complaining about it. Like what the
• 26:09
  Speaker 4: fuck is this? So that'll be content.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: Can't wait.
• 26:14
  Speaker 4: My terminally online is look, I know I'm going to
• 26:17
  Speaker 4: get killed for this, but succession, I like it a lot.
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: But once again, like with the episode, I watched the episodes.
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: I enjoy the show. Fine. And then I go online
• 26:31
  Speaker 4: and it's like, I just saw Michelangelo carve David the
• 26:37
  Speaker 4: statue perfectly in an hour of immaculate television. And I
• 26:43
  Speaker 4: then say, you know what? I did like that a
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: lot more than I thought I did. And I just,
• 26:47
  Speaker 4: I'm standing up and I know there are others of
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: you out there who feel the same way I do,
• 26:52
  Speaker 4: who get a little bored during the episodes, then go
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: online and and say, I guess I did like that
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: more than I did before the finale, which I am
• 26:59
  Speaker 4: looking forward to very much. You're seen. There are other
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: people out there who feel the same way, and it's me.
• 27:05
  Speaker 9: It feels like you're trying to say you don't like Succession,
• 27:08
  Speaker 9: and it's like you're holding back.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: Just say it. Just fucking say it already. You're a
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: coward pretending to be brave. You're like Ron DeSantis.
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: Succession is a 7 out of 10 this season, and
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: everyone's giving it a 10 out of 10. So I
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: like it.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: It's fine.
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: So I'm actually sympathetic. to the situation that they're in
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: with regards to the absurd branding journey of HBO to
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: HBO now slash HBO go to HBO max to max, because, uh,
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: because there's a lot of people online who are saying
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: you have HBO. That's the most amazing brand. Why are
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: you doing this? Why would you make it max? It
• 27:46
  Speaker 3: should never have been called HBO max. It should always
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: have been called something broader like Warner or max or
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: something so that you could have the HBO brand. And
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: then you could have the Discovery brand and you could
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: have all the other ancillary brands in a row, but
• 27:59
  Speaker 3: that HBO remains special and good for the excellence that
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: it provides. One of the arguments that they made for
• 28:05
  Speaker 3: why they needed to make it be a broader brand
• 28:07
  Speaker 3: is that there's a lot of people who have Discovery,
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: a lot of people that aren't HBO people that want
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: the broader kind of less prestigy, slow boil fucking content
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: of HBO that we all love. And that for you
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: is ponderous because you're waiting for an explosion because you're
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: a fast sex fucking moron. And I want you to
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: understand something. They have to call it, Max, for people
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: like you.
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: Stupid people like you.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: Because of you.
• 28:33
  Speaker 4: Yep, there it is.
• 28:34
  Speaker 3: You have been given a gift that is succession.
• 28:37
  Speaker 6: Yep.
• 28:38
  Speaker 4: That's one location in 45 minutes of dialogue.
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: I am sorry that your fucking Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, two
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: phone experience, broken fucking brain can't handle watching what is ostensibly,
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: you know, a play taking place in a fucking cathedral.
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: Are you one of those people that starts, you know,
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: texting people during Broadway musicals?
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Do you get bored and walk out?
• 29:01
  Speaker 7: While you make love to your wife, Elijah, huh? What
• 29:04
  Speaker 7: do you need to keep your goddamn attention, okay?
• 29:07
  Speaker 5: Kids these days.
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: This is some of the best writing in the history
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: of television and the audacity of you to come out
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: of that experience and go seven out of 10, do better.
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: There's never been better. There won't be better. The golden
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: age of television is about to end. The writers are
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: on fucking Melrose running around trying to get paid. And
• 29:24
  Speaker 3: you're like, oh, this isn't good enough. You can eat
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: fucking shit.
• 29:27
  Speaker 4: I'm not saying it's not good enough. The problem is
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: that I go on and everyone is like, this is
• 29:31
  Speaker 4: the best thing ever. And I just don't, Feel it.
• 29:34
  Speaker 4: It doesn't move that way. I'm going to give you
• 29:36
  Speaker 4: two things. One, I don't need a good reason for
• 29:38
  Speaker 4: how I feel when I watch a show. to just
• 29:40
  Speaker 4: not enjoy it and not be criticized by it. Number one.
• 29:43
  Speaker 4: Number two, I have trouble relating to these characters because
• 29:46
  Speaker 4: I find them so detestable. I find them all so awful.
• 29:50
  Speaker 4: And like the hubris of like, I'm supposed to be
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: sympathizing with them. I'm just like, oh, good, suffer. Like
• 29:54
  Speaker 4: what a cry. I don't care.
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: You know what you sound like right now? You sound
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: like the worst executive at every network who looks at
• 30:00
  Speaker 3: a fucking pilot and says, I don't find any of
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: these characters relatable. You're the person that tried to stop
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: Seinfeld from ever fucking airing.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: That's what you're doing right now.
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: And I'm not saying you need a reason to not
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: like it, but don't walk around like you're fucking impressive.
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: Like this opinion makes you brave or good. It's embarrassing
• 30:17
  Speaker 3: that you don't like this show. You should be ashamed
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: of yourself. You're right to feel the way that you do.
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: You're right to pretend you like it more than you
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: do on social media. That's the right thing for you
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: to be doing. You've been given a gift and you're
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: throwing it back in HBO's faces. We are blessed to
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: have succession and it's about to be over. And when
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: it's gone, you'll miss it. Tina Turner died. You want
• 30:34
  Speaker 3: to see something mean about her? You think Tina Turner
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: is 7 out of 10, you piece of shit? Jimmy
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: Carter is in hospice.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: Not good enough? Not enough houses?
• 30:43
  Speaker 4: You can eat shit.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: Also, like, Barry was pretty good, too. I liked that
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: this week.
• 30:48
  Speaker 5: I don't watch Succession, and I was convinced by that argument.
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: So go ahead and tune in for the Succession recap
• 30:53
  Speaker 4: next week, up for all the subscribers, where JonJon and
• 30:56
  Speaker 4: Tommy and Dan will break it down uncritically together. Look,
• 31:01
  Speaker 4: I'm very much looking forward to the finale.
• 31:02
  Speaker 3: I've been working on a candle impression.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: Elijah, shut the fuck up. so what's the fucking play.
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah let's fucking do this yeah.
• 31:14
  Speaker 4: Yep every week the best writing i've seen and it's
• 31:17
  Speaker 4: just kendall mumbling the school you don't even watch.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: It why don't you why.
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: Don't you turn it off why don't you turn it
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: off and go go on a fucking hike why don't
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: you watch something else.
• 31:26
  Speaker 4: Because it's sunday night who hikes on sunday night.
• 31:28
  Speaker 9: And also here's roman Yeah, so, I mean, yeah, well, fucking,
• 31:33
  Speaker 9: you know, fuck you. Yeah.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: Very good.
• 31:40
  Speaker 4: Do you guys understand.
• 31:41
  Speaker 8: What I'm saying?
• 31:43
  Speaker 3: Elijah, I want you to understand something. Of course we
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: understand it. You're not making a sophisticated point. You're making
• 31:49
  Speaker 3: a simple point, and we get it.
• 31:52
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 31:53
  Speaker 4: What's the point? Say it back.
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: End the show. We all want to get back to
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: our fucking lives. Listen to you drone on to this idiocy.
• 32:02
  Speaker 4: What's my online rating first?
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. Oh, zero.
• 32:05
  Speaker 3: You barely deserve to have a screen at all.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: I would say three.
• 32:07
  Speaker 9: I would say three just because you have to like
• 32:10
  Speaker 9: you watch something and then go on Twitter and like
• 32:13
  Speaker 9: check out like what people are saying about it as
• 32:15
  Speaker 9: you're watching it.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: Like that's.
• 32:17
  Speaker 3: That's not nothing, is what I mean.
• 32:19
  Speaker 7: I'm going to say four because you do everything that
• 32:21
  Speaker 7: Malcolm says and then you come here and you complain.
• 32:24
  Speaker 5: And that to me is the most online behavior.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: Howie does not have a dog in this fight.
• 32:27
  Speaker 7: I'm not watching one damn minute of this show and
• 32:31
  Speaker 7: I don't.
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: Give a fuck.
• 32:33
  Speaker 7: And that's the freedom I've accepted for myself. To hear
• 32:35
  Speaker 7: you complain, you don't have to watch it.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm with Hallie. I stand corrected.
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: Even though I think you deserve no devices and you
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: should be offline completely, I do think the way.
• 32:44
  Speaker 5: You're behaving- I think your eyes should be removed, Elijah.
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: Let's be honest.
• 32:46
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 32:47
  Speaker 6: Wow.
• 32:47
  Speaker 4: That's fine.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: All right. I'll agree. I'll agree. I'll agree with Hallie.
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: I'll say it's a four.
• 32:52
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 32:57
  Speaker 4: Love it.
• 32:57
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 32:58
  Speaker 4: Last week, subscribers wanted to know the times that Jon
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: Favreau got mixed up with Jon Favreau. And this week,
• 33:04
  Speaker 4: Gretel wants to know- Gretel? I've never heard that.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: Name in the whole Bible.
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: Gretel, you mean like wants to know what happened to
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: her brother?
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 33:13
  Speaker 4: She wants to know times you've gotten mixed up with
• 33:15
  Speaker 4: John Lovitz or Lyle Lovitz.
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: So both have happened. On the John Lovitz front, there
• 33:21
  Speaker 3: was one time that was particularly egregious and embarrassing and
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: It was when I was doing a radio interview with some...
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: I think you call them shock jocks. Some area shock jocks.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: Like a soundboard. Yeah, like, whoa.
• 33:34
  Speaker 9: I'm low-key trying to get Love It or Leave It
• 33:37
  Speaker 9: to turn into that.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: It is.
• 33:39
  Speaker 3: It's one of the ways we can go with it.
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: But I.
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: Came on the radio. We were live on the radio
• 33:44
  Speaker 3: and they said, joining us is John Lovett. John, tell
• 33:47
  Speaker 3: us what it was like.
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: Oh, no.
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: Back in the day, working with Phil Hart.
• 33:51
  Speaker 4: Oh, my God.
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: And all those SNL legends.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Already booked the show. How do you not? And I said,
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: are you?
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: Oh, I'm not that. You must.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: I thought they were kidding. They weren't. But we're on
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: the radio. Well, then who are you? And that's so funny. No,
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: you don't want to say who you are. It's embarrassing.
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: But they know who, they've seen his face before, presumably.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: But this is what, this is pre-Zoom.
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: This is on the phone. This is a phone interview.
• 34:14
  Speaker 7: Did they not notice that you weren't a, the voice
• 34:17
  Speaker 7: of a 75-year-old man?
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: You know, listen, your mind will do things and make
• 34:21
  Speaker 3: things seem like what they should be. And then on
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: the Lyle Lovett front, yes, people, when we're on the road,
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: Halle's seen this. Malcolm, I don't know if you've seen
• 34:30
  Speaker 3: this yet.
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: I haven't seen Lyle Lovett. You will though.
• 34:31
  Speaker 3: I saw it online.
• 34:32
  Speaker 5: You will.
• 34:33
  Speaker 3: But, At the beginning of shows on the road, we've
• 34:36
  Speaker 3: started asking, like, how many people here are waiting for
• 34:39
  Speaker 3: Lyle Lovett? And it's never no hands.
• 34:41
  Speaker 5: There was definitely an older couple who came. I want
• 34:44
  Speaker 5: to say it was.
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: His name is Lyle. Yeah, but it says Lovett. Even
• 34:48
  Speaker 3: though there's a picture, it just people make a mistake.
• 34:50
  Speaker 7: We were told after the show, an elderly couple came
• 34:53
  Speaker 7: up to the box office and it had genuine surprise
• 34:56
  Speaker 7: that it was.
• 34:57
  Speaker 5: Not Lyle Lovett.
• 34:58
  Speaker 3: Does he know what a podcast is? Lyle Lovett?
• 35:01
  Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah.
• 35:01
  Speaker 3: So yes, Lyle Lovett is very frustrated by this and
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: doesn't find it very funny.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And this has been conveyed to us.
• 35:08
  Speaker 4: Oh, that's sad.
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: But we've definitely talked to people who are waiting for
• 35:12
  Speaker 3: Lyle Lovett in the crowd and asked them to hang
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: out and see if they had a good time. And
• 35:16
  Speaker 3: I think most of them have.
• 35:17
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 35:17
  Speaker 5: I mean, you're already there. You already bought the ticket.
• 35:19
  Speaker 9: I'm now going to try to start booking both John
• 35:22
  Speaker 9: Lovett's and Lyle Lovett. I think that would be a
• 35:25
  Speaker 9: very fun.
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: That'd be great. Yeah.
• 35:26
  Speaker 9: It's like that SNL where Jesse Eisenberg was like, Mark
• 35:31
  Speaker 9: Zuckerberg and then Mark Zuckerberg came out and it was
• 35:33
  Speaker 9: him and Andy Samberg who was dressed like Mark Zuckerberg,
• 35:36
  Speaker 9: like all on one stage that I remember sucking, but
• 35:39
  Speaker 9: I think ours is going to be great.
• 35:43
  Speaker 4: It's a shame that Lyle Lovett doesn't think it's funny.
• 35:46
  Speaker 4: Cause that's good content. I wonder what, if the opposite
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: has happened, if you know, some extreme Lovett or leave
• 35:52
  Speaker 4: it fans have shown up at a Lyle Lovett concert
• 35:55
  Speaker 4: and they're like, wait a minute.
• 35:56
  Speaker 3: I'm sure it has.
• 35:57
  Speaker 5: I feel like our friends can read though.
• 35:59
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 36:00
  Speaker 3: That might be the difference.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: Chief difference there.
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 36:05
  Speaker 4: Ben Hathcote, who is a producer here, he has a
• 36:09
  Speaker 4: behind-the-scenes story that I found very entertaining. He produces things
• 36:14
  Speaker 4: like this show and then also political experts react. The
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: context is that at Crooked Media for the last couple months,
• 36:21
  Speaker 4: we have a new CEO named Lucinda, and we've been
• 36:23
  Speaker 4: getting a lot of phishing texts, people claiming to be
• 36:27
  Speaker 4: Lucinda and Ben I'll let you take it from here.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: Hey, y'all.
• 36:31
  Speaker 8: This morning, I get to the office early. I'm an
• 36:33
  Speaker 8: early bird. And it was just me and Lucinda, our CEO,
• 36:37
  Speaker 8: here in the office. Like Elijah said, we've been getting
• 36:40
  Speaker 8: all these phishing texts and spam messages. So I get
• 36:45
  Speaker 8: a text that says, hey, this is Lucinda, CEO of
• 36:49
  Speaker 8: Crooked Media. Are you free at the moment? And it
• 36:53
  Speaker 8: was literally just me and her in the office. So
• 36:56
  Speaker 8: I'm like, first of all, it's, it's a little odd
• 36:59
  Speaker 8: that she didn't just poke her head out of the door, but,
• 37:01
  Speaker 8: but you know, like she's the boss and I, I
• 37:05
  Speaker 8: put my phone on the desk and I'm like, yeah, absolutely.
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: I just texted back quickly. Absolutely.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: You responded.
• 37:10
  Speaker 9: I have the same issue. I rarely question people in power,
• 37:13
  Speaker 9: which is a big issue.
• 37:15
  Speaker 8: So I walked into her office, like walked right in
• 37:19
  Speaker 8: and I'm like, Hey, and she looks at me and
• 37:21
  Speaker 8: she's like, Hey, and, um, I sat down.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: I sat down.
• 37:27
  Speaker 5: Across from her at the desk.
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: Made yourself at home.
• 37:31
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 37:33
  Speaker 8: And I'm looking around. I'm like, wow, you know, this
• 37:35
  Speaker 8: is the first time I've been in your office because
• 37:37
  Speaker 8: it was. So I was like commenting on the pink
• 37:40
  Speaker 8: walls and we're chatting about design stuff. And I sat
• 37:44
  Speaker 8: down and, you know, she looks at me and she says,
• 37:46
  Speaker 8: how are you?
• 37:47
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, I'm good.
• 37:49
  Speaker 5: I'm okay.
• 37:50
  Speaker 8: You know, we have two recordings today. I tell her
• 37:52
  Speaker 8: a little bit about what's on my plate, but she
• 37:55
  Speaker 8: seems confused, which makes me like really confused.
• 37:59
  Speaker 5: Like, why am I here?
• 38:01
  Speaker 8: What do you need to talk to me about? So anyway,
• 38:05
  Speaker 8: we chat for a little bit, but she keeps referring
• 38:08
  Speaker 8: to a meeting. She's like, I have a couple minutes.
• 38:12
  Speaker 8: I have a couple minutes because I have a meeting
• 38:15
  Speaker 8: coming up. She's like, it's okay. I can miss the
• 38:19
  Speaker 8: first couple minutes of the meeting. And she was kind
• 38:22
  Speaker 8: of prying at like, what do you want to talk
• 38:25
  Speaker 8: to me about?
• 38:26
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, what do you want to talk to
• 38:28
  Speaker 3: me about?
• 38:31
  Speaker 9: So you do not say at any point like, yeah,
• 38:35
  Speaker 9: so I got your email or anything.
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: No, no.
• 38:38
  Speaker 8: So so so because I had left my phone at
• 38:40
  Speaker 8: the desk. So then, you know, we talked a little
• 38:41
  Speaker 8: bit and she's like, you know, hey, I'm glad we
• 38:43
  Speaker 8: could do this. I'm glad we could talk. Let's do
• 38:46
  Speaker 8: more of this. And I'm like, yeah, you know, thanks.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: Thanks, Lucinda.
• 38:48
  Speaker 8: This was this was great. This was like, you know. 9.30
• 38:53
  Speaker 8: in the morning. And so then I come out, sit
• 38:58
  Speaker 8: back at the desk, and then I see my phone.
• 39:02
  Speaker 8: My phone has been blowing up with texts about, you know,
• 39:05
  Speaker 8: this is urgent. I need an Apple gift card.
• 39:07
  Speaker 4: But I was receiving.
• 39:11
  Speaker 8: I was receiving these texts from her while I was
• 39:15
  Speaker 8: in there meeting with.
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: Her about nothing. So you started to put it together.
• 39:18
  Speaker 9: You started to put it together? You're like, I should
• 39:19
  Speaker 9: have brought an Apple gift card for her. She was
• 39:21
  Speaker 9: waiting for me to offer her a gift card, and
• 39:24
  Speaker 9: I didn't.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I felt like a big fool. I slacked.
• 39:30
  Speaker 6: Her.
• 39:30
  Speaker 8: I'm like, wait a second. You didn't invite me to
• 39:34
  Speaker 8: have a meeting with you? And she's like, no, not me.
• 39:37
  Speaker 8: So anyway, that's my impromptu terminally online.
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: That's awesome.
• 39:44
  Speaker 4: That's way better than what I was going to do.
• 39:46
  Speaker 3: That was fun. yeah seriously that's great that's great that's
• 39:51
  Speaker 3: so funny i love i love that just so so
• 39:53
  Speaker 3: what's up dude you're trying to figure it out and
• 39:56
  Speaker 3: also by the way yourself by the way from her
• 39:58
  Speaker 3: point of view just like wow there must be something
• 40:00
  Speaker 3: he's working up to get to yeah you know like
• 40:03
  Speaker 3: this is he's taking this time and he has something
• 40:05
  Speaker 3: he wants to talk about but he's work he's getting
• 40:07
  Speaker 3: to the place where he's going to share something or
• 40:08
  Speaker 3: an idea or concern and just kind of trying to
• 40:12
  Speaker 3: have an open door and you just didn't get to it.
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: No, no.
• 40:16
  Speaker 8: And then like, who was more confused? Was it, was
• 40:18
  Speaker 8: it me or her? I mean, luckily she, she like
• 40:21
  Speaker 8: rolled with the punches. She was like good about improving this,
• 40:24
  Speaker 8: this meeting, but like, I wouldn't just like barge into
• 40:27
  Speaker 8: the CEO's office, like unannounced and make myself at home.
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: I think it's cool as hell. Thanks for telling us that. Hey,
• 40:35
  Speaker 3: we believe you. And, um, we see you. Yeah.
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: Thanks y'all. Let's go to the advice column.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: Dump him. That's a deal breaker, ladies.
• 40:52
  Speaker 5: Dump him. He's just got that in you.
• 40:55
  Speaker 4: I'm going to tell you how it works. Subscribers ask
• 40:59
  Speaker 4: for advice. And this week, I'm the subscriber.
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: Okay. Twist.
• 41:06
  Speaker 3: What's your question?
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: Are you going to ask us what to do because
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: you're stuck in a red state? Work-life balance? Elijah and Charlotte.
• 41:12
  Speaker 4: That's a deep cut.
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: Elijah and North Carolina, you're on the air.
• 41:18
  Speaker 4: So you guys are Obama's former speechwriters. spokespeople. Hallie, you're
• 41:22
  Speaker 4: an excellent writer. You're a professional writer.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 41:25
  Speaker 4: Next week, I'll be out in LA seeing you guys
• 41:27
  Speaker 4: because I'm going to a wedding where I have to
• 41:29
  Speaker 4: give a groomsman speech. How do I give a good
• 41:33
  Speaker 4: wedding speech?
• 41:34
  Speaker 3: First of all, if you were coming for a wedding,
• 41:36
  Speaker 3: could I get paid for that flight?
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: Oh my God.
• 41:38
  Speaker 4: No, they're not. Oh my God.
• 41:43
  Speaker 3: Here's just a question.
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: Do you have a time limit?
• 41:47
  Speaker 3: Sometimes people say one minute.
• 41:48
  Speaker 4: I can't think of a story with both of them
• 41:51
  Speaker 4: in it that's appropriate to tell at the wedding is
• 41:53
  Speaker 4: my problem.
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: Just do the one you know. Here are a couple tips.
• 41:57
  Speaker 3: Keep it brief. That's number one. Number two, I think
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: most important advice for giving a toast at a wedding
• 42:04
  Speaker 3: is do not talk about writing your toast online. or
• 42:07
  Speaker 3: how you didn't know what to say, or I sat
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: a lot thinking about it. Do not do the making
• 42:11
  Speaker 3: of the toast. It fucking sucks. It's bad content. And
• 42:15
  Speaker 3: don't tell people how great your friend is. So-and-so is
• 42:18
  Speaker 3: kind and smart. Find a little story or an anecdote
• 42:21
  Speaker 3: that shows it.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: Don't overwrite. Everyone overwrites their wedding toasts. Everyone uses way
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: too many fucking adjectives. No adjectives. This is to Tommy's point.
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: No adjectives. Just find the story. Find the story that's funny. Also,
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: provide enough context around the story. so that the audience
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: who doesn't know you and your friend really well and
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: know the backstory can still understand. There's a lot of
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: like inside jokes. They suck. Don't do the things like,
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: but you know what I'm talking about? That time we
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: were in Syracuse. I'll save that for another day. Not
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: for today.
• 42:52
  Speaker 3: Not for today. That shit sucks ass.
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: Don't do it. Amateur hour.
• 42:55
  Speaker 7: If you don't have a funny story, you should switch
• 42:58
  Speaker 7: tack and just go incredibly emotional. I mean, incredibly sincere.
• 43:03
  Speaker 7: At one of my brother's weddings, his best friend gets up,
• 43:06
  Speaker 7: who's like, yeah, he's just a funny guy. He's from Ohio,
• 43:08
  Speaker 7: you know? And he gets up, and he gives the
• 43:10
  Speaker 7: most emotional, like, loving, open-hearted, people who are sobbing, because
• 43:15
  Speaker 7: we just didn't expect it.
• 43:16
  Speaker 5: That's what you do. That's how you get them.
• 43:18
  Speaker 3: I think that's right. I think that's right.
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: That's good, too.
• 43:21
  Speaker 5: And then everyone comes up and tells you you did
• 43:23
  Speaker 5: a good job. So really, it's like, it's your wedding.
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: Go against type. Go against type. Yeah.
• 43:28
  Speaker 5: Powerful.
• 43:29
  Speaker 4: That's just great advice. I was definitely going to do
• 43:31
  Speaker 4: a little, when I was thinking of writing.
• 43:32
  Speaker 6: It sucks.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: That shit is garbage.
• 43:34
  Speaker 5: Everything's been done. We've all seen it, you know?
• 43:36
  Speaker 3: And Elijah, oh, it's also, it's not a roast.
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 43:39
  Speaker 3: It's not a roast. It's not a roast.
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: Not a roast.
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: Was that helpful?
• 43:42
  Speaker 4: That was genuinely great advice.
• 43:44
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 43:44
  Speaker 4: Thank you.
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: I appreciate it. Send it to Lovett for a punch up.
• 43:49
  Speaker 8: Okay.
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 43:50
  Speaker 4: Thanks, John, for signing up for that.
• 43:51
  Speaker 3: And just be glad I'm not giving a toast to
• 43:52
  Speaker 3: that wedding either. You know?
• 43:54
  Speaker 4: Oh my God.
• 43:55
  Speaker 3: Because, you know, I always bring it.
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to Terminally Online. New episodes come out
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: each Saturday. And again, you can get more episodes by
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: subscribing to Friends of the Pod at crooked.com slash friends.