Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #167| 3 Signs You’re Trapped in People Pleasing & How to Break Free Without Guilt or Overwhelm
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: What would I choose if I wasn't worried about their reaction?
- 0:02Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:15Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:19Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences, and in each episode you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life.
- 0:31Michelle Gauthier: Hi, friend, thanks for joining me today.
- 0:36Michelle Gauthier: Today I'm going to tell you a story about how I just very recently got in a situation where I realized, a few minutes in, that I was totally people pleasing, and it just reminded me that even when you're educated on people pleasing and have worked really hard not to be a people pleaser, sometimes it sneaks up on you.
- 0:55Michelle Gauthier: So when you listen, today I'm going to tell you three subtle but powerful signs that you were people pleasing, and you might not even realize it, what it's really costing you if that's what you're doing, and how to start breaking the habit without guilt or shame or spiraling.
- 1:10Michelle Gauthier: So here's what happened.
- 1:11Michelle Gauthier: If you're ever curious about working with me one-on-one, the first step is booking a free consultation.
- 1:17Michelle Gauthier: So when someone signs up for one of those, they're taken to.
- 1:20Michelle Gauthier: First of all, you start on a page that explains all about the coaching into.
- 1:24Michelle Gauthier: First of all, you start on a page that explains all about the coaching, the cost, how long it is, all that stuff.
- 1:30Michelle Gauthier: Then they go to a form where I ask a couple questions what's going on in your life right now?
- 1:32Michelle Gauthier: How do you wish you could feel six months from now?
- 1:33Michelle Gauthier: What do you want to work on in coaching?
- 1:35Michelle Gauthier: And it's designed to help us both get clarity and make sure that coaching is the right fit for that person.
- 1:41Michelle Gauthier: So the other day I got a new form and it didn't have the actual answers on it, it just said I'd rather talk about it on the call.
- 1:48Michelle Gauthier: Totally fine, not everyone feels like typing it all out or they feel uncomfortable typing it to someone who they don't know yet.
- 1:55Michelle Gauthier: So the call was booked and I get on the call at the time that it's scheduled.
- 1:59Michelle Gauthier: And then here's the plot twist About 30 seconds in I realized that this guy wasn't looking for coaching at all.
- 2:07Michelle Gauthier: He was trying to pitch me on his business.
- 2:09Michelle Gauthier: He's asking questions about my social media, whether I have a podcast, who my audience is.
- 2:14Michelle Gauthier: So he booked my free consult meant for women who are overwhelmed and thinking about making real changes and potentially working with me for coaching, and used it as a sales opportunity for himself under a completely false premise.
- 2:30Michelle Gauthier: And I'll be honest, I stayed on the call longer than I should have.
- 2:34Michelle Gauthier: He was asking me questions about my business and I was answering them and I'm thinking in my mind I don't think he actually wants coaching.
- 2:43Michelle Gauthier: But I hung in there because I didn't want to be rude and I didn't want to make it awkward.
- 2:47Michelle Gauthier: Let's just pause on that for a second.
- 2:50Michelle Gauthier: I didn't want to make it awkward.
- 2:52Michelle Gauthier: He scheduled on my consult to sell me on his business and I didn't want to make it awkward.
- 2:59Michelle Gauthier: So once I directly asked him are you on this call because you're considering coaching with me?
- 3:06Michelle Gauthier: He said, I mean not right now, but like maybe in the future or maybe I could refer someone to you.
- 3:13Michelle Gauthier: And that was when I was like okay, people pleasing, time is over here.
- 3:20Michelle Gauthier: And I said okay, listen, this call is for people who are interested in one-on-one coaching and you booked this call knowing that.
- 3:27Michelle Gauthier: But what you're actually doing is trying to sell me on your business.
- 3:31Michelle Gauthier: If you wanted to do that, a good way to do that would be to send me a message on LinkedIn and he said, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry if it came across that way.
- 3:39Michelle Gauthier: If it came across that way, what other way would it come across?
- 3:43Michelle Gauthier: That is the truth.
- 3:44Michelle Gauthier: That is what is happening here.
- 3:45Michelle Gauthier: So this is your reminder.
- 3:48Michelle Gauthier: I am a coach who helps people stop people pleasing, and here I was.
- 3:53Michelle Gauthier: I mean, I'm happy to say, I only wasted about five or 10 minutes of my own time.
- 3:58Michelle Gauthier: I only wasted about five or 10 minutes of my own time, but I all of a sudden was more concerned about making it awkward for him.
- 4:06Michelle Gauthier: So here are three ways that you might be doing something similar to what I did the other day.
- 4:11Michelle Gauthier: These are kind of hints that you might be people pleasing.
- 4:15Michelle Gauthier: Number one: you worry more about being liked than being honest, so you say what someone wants to hear instead of what's actually true for you.
- 4:24Michelle Gauthier: This might mean you're sugarcoating feedback or avoiding conflict or agreeing with something just to keep the conversation nice, which is exactly what I was doing.
- 4:34Michelle Gauthier: You find yourself in this situation where you're doing that.
- 4:42Michelle Gauthier: You can practice saying things honestly in small ways, like, actually I have a different take or I'm still figuring out how I feel.
- 4:47Michelle Gauthier: So you don't have to be completely bold and in someone's face about it if that feels really uncomfortable to you, but make sure that you are not worrying more about being liked than telling your truth.
- 5:01Michelle Gauthier: Number two is the idea that saying no makes you mean or selfish.
- 5:05Michelle Gauthier: This is like a classic guilt trip.
- 5:08Michelle Gauthier: You've been conditioned to think that the word no is a rejection of the person or their needs and like you should be helpful.
- 5:14Michelle Gauthier: So you say yes, even when you don't have the time or the energy or the desire.
- 5:19Michelle Gauthier: This definitely came up for me, I think, in the situation that I just described to you, because, as a person who owns her own business, I am always supportive of other entrepreneurs.
- 5:31Michelle Gauthier: So had he sent me a message and said I really think I could help you with your business here's what I do.
- 5:37Michelle Gauthier: I do videos for social media I might have responded and said okay.
- 5:41Michelle Gauthier: Or if somehow someone had introduced us, I would have said tell me about your business, maybe there's someone I can refer to you, maybe I would be interested in it.
- 5:50Michelle Gauthier: So I felt like I was being mean or selfish, saying no to him, but he approached me in the completely wrong way.
- 5:59Michelle Gauthier: So I think, in this case, saying no did not make me mean or selfish.
- 6:04Michelle Gauthier: I think he was the one who was making the selfish choice in this particular situation.
- 6:09Michelle Gauthier: And the third clue that you might be people pleasing is you focus more on what the other person might be thinking than on what you actually want.
- 6:18Michelle Gauthier: So will he think I'm rude?
- 6:21Michelle Gauthier: Am I worried about making this person mad?
- 6:24Michelle Gauthier: Who will they tell that I'm not a nice person?
- 6:27Michelle Gauthier: And when you're doing that and thinking like that, it's all this mental gymnastics going on in your head and it takes up so much space that there's no room to even ask what do I actually want?
- 6:38Michelle Gauthier: So I did that exact thing and once I realized what do I actually want right now?
- 6:44Michelle Gauthier: And you know what I wanted to do right now Call my sister back.
- 6:46Michelle Gauthier: Because my sister had called me I was like shoot, I thought I was going to be on the phone for a whole hour.
- 6:50Michelle Gauthier: Now I see I'm not going to be on the phone for a whole hour, so I'm going to call my sister back.
- 6:54Michelle Gauthier: So what I want to choose is to call my sister instead of let this guy pitch me on something I'm not interested in that I did not ask for.
- 7:01Michelle Gauthier: So if you find yourself in this situation, it's really great to say what would I choose if I wasn't worried about their reaction.
- 7:11Michelle Gauthier: So if I wasn't worried what the other person would think, what would I do in this situation, and that can really help you get clarity about what you want to do.
- 7:20Michelle Gauthier: So, in summary, if you saw yourself in any of these, or you have recently been in a situation like I was, where you were being too nice quote unquote for too long.
- 7:30Michelle Gauthier: I say nice in quotes because I wasn't really being nice.
- 7:34Michelle Gauthier: I was just trying to control how I thought that he was going to feel about me or my business.
- 7:39Michelle Gauthier: So just remember it people pleasing is just a habit and it's a survival strategy that a lot of us were taught, but it is definitely one that you can unlearn.
- 7:48Michelle Gauthier: So today we learned if you care more about being liked than being honest, if you think saying no makes you a bad person, or if you're much more worried about what someone else might think than what you actually want, you could be people pleasing.
- 8:03Michelle Gauthier: The good news is you don't have to do a 180 overnight, but you can start practicing any of the things that I just mentioned just tiny acts of honesty or boundaries or self-awareness and eventually that adds up to real change.
- 8:18Michelle Gauthier: If you feel like people pleasing is a big problem in your life, guess what you can do a consultation with me.
- 8:23Michelle Gauthier: It's free, it's an hour long and we will talk all about what is happening with you and your life and I'll tell you all about coaching and we can see if it's a good fit.
- 8:32Michelle Gauthier: Now, if you use that time to try to sell me something, I will cut off the call after five minutes.
- 8:38Michelle Gauthier: You can set up that consultation with me.
- 8:41Michelle Gauthier: Fill out the form that I just talked about and we will talk on the phone.
- 8:45Michelle Gauthier: We will chat on Zoom for about 45 minutes so that I can see what's going on with you, tell you a little bit about coaching and see if we are a good fit to work together.
- 8:55Michelle Gauthier: Have a great week and be on the lookout for people pleasing.
- 8:58Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 9:07Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthiercom.
- 9:13Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.