Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #14: Is Your Adult Child Still Living With You and Driving You Crazy?

Transcript

#14: Is Your Adult Child Still Living With You and Driving You Crazy? · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: If your adult child is still living at home, regardless of whether or not they're working, are you struggling to live together peacefully?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna ask you a brutally honest question because I think it's important that you have someone in your life who understands your situation and doesn't judge you.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do you ever feel like your home has become a boarding house and your freeloading, ungrateful tenant doesn't respect you or your rules?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: If so, this episode is for you.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe this is not exactly your situation, and it's not as bad as that, but it's really important that you establish healthy boundaries because you are teaching your adult child something so valuable, and that is how to live harmoniously with people.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: You see, boundaries are so much more than just a set of household rules that are mutually beneficial.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Every individual has their own set of personal boundaries, things that mean something to them.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when you live with another person, whether it's a roommate or life partner, respecting those actually matter more.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not just doing this exercise for your own peace of mind, but to show your adult child how to treat others and what to expect in return when living with someone.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And just because you're the parent doesn't exclude you from these same standards.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: When we teach our children to be considerate of other people, we're included in that.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: The topic of today's episode is a crucial one, and it's not something that is talked about very often.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Parents just assume that living with their kids will always be easy.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, after all, we raise them, why wouldn't they be respectful?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: But what if they aren't?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: What if they live with you and as they go from their teenage years well into their 20s, maybe their 30s, they develop this sense of entitlement that you have to keep a roof over their head, food on their plate, pay for their cell phone, and they can come and go as they please.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Add to that, they leave a mess wherever they go, they never contribute, they ignore your request to not use drugs in the house, and they barely look at you when you try to talk to them.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: What in the world have we created?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And who would ever want to live with someone like that?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know this sounds like the worst case scenario, but it's not entirely uncommon.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Many parents feel trapped in their own house by the very people they brought into the world and have loved unconditionally from day one.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let's not even talk about the sacrifices we made with our bodies, our careers, our finances, our relationships, and the most valuable commodity, our time.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like we're in an abusive, neglectful, one-sided relationship.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it's not sustainable.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: If this is happening in your home, you need a solution to this shit show.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't find a peaceful living arrangement soon, you'll find yourself wishing they'd move out way before they're ready to.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're in denial, because, and I'll say this as if I'm you, they're my kid.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love them.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if I say something that upsets them, they'll get mad at me.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: They might even stop talking to me.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, what else can I do?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Throw them out?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Where would they go?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Funny how that thought does come to mind.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And how would they survive?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I can't bring myself to doing that.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I just hope that things will change soon.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Does this sound familiar?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because if it does, you, my friend, need to change things up.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're practically in a toxic relationship with your own child.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the kicker.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: In order for things to change, you must change.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why me, you ask?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's simple.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: You raise them.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: You are in part responsible for what and who you're living with.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not entirely, of course, but if there is anyone in the world that can affect change, it's you.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And not just because you're the parent, but because they're living under your roof.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So stop thinking that you've tried everything.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Stop tiptoeing around them like they're gonna lose their shit on you and start parenting again, but this time with a fresh, new approach.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason why you haven't set up or insisted on these boundaries is probably because of something that happened in your past, some inability or insecurity that you have to express yourself, to ask for what you want.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: You, my new friend, are more entitled to this than you think.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is not to say that boundaries don't go both ways.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: There is mutual respect and expectations on both parts, but I'm here to tell you that their behavior has to stop.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is your kid, and if you can't sit down with them and tell them what you want, what you need, what you deserve from them, then you probably shouldn't be listening to this episode.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is my version of tough love because honestly, I do care.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need permission to be a stronger parent and stop being afraid of the outcome, I'm giving it to you today.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: So let's be very clear about the meaning of boundaries because you're going to explain this to them.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are not just a set of household rules.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's another side to this, the deeply personal boundaries that are your guiding principles.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I call these our non-negotiables, the things that matter most to you as a human being.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about respect, honesty, appreciation, communication, integrity, and more.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: So when I refer to boundaries, I mean both the internal or personal ones and external, those that pertain to the household.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the only way your adult child is going to know what those are is by you communicating it to them.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: They can't read your mind, and honestly, many of them are still a little selfish or not mature enough to even understand that those boundaries exist.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: But once they are established, set in stone, and put in place, there can be peace in your home and respect in your relationship.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I want to share something with you.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: This something that is very personal to me.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, I needed to meditate on it while I was writing this episode in order to allow the memories of my past to resurface so so that I could recall what experience I had that had made this topic so important to me.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Within minutes of this meditation, it came to me.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: All I had to do was ask myself, what is the opposite feeling when your personal boundaries are disrespected?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the words humiliated and violated came to mind.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then the memory followed.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was around eight years old.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: My parents were divorced and had been since I was three.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: My father was always upsetting my mother, letting her down somehow, and I never really understood why she was always angry at him until this one day when it impacted me.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I asked my father if he would buy me a winter coat.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: My mother's suggestion, of course.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back, she knew exactly what she was doing.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: But in my innocence, I asked him and he quickly replied, Absolutely.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'll pick you up on Thursday night, which was our weekly dinners with him, and we'll go buy you one, whatever you want.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I knew exactly what I wanted.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Thursday came and I remember feeling so excited.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I had no doubt in my mind that he would be buying me this new winter coat.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I even told my best friend that I would be donning this purchase that my dad was going to buy me the very next day at school.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: So that evening I was sitting all bundled up in my old, small, worn-out winter coat at the top of the stairs inside our upper duplex, waiting for him to ring the doorbell at any minute.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I waited.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: My mother started in.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's not coming, Sherry.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I defended him.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: He's just running late, mom.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: He'll be here, I confidently replied.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: But he never showed up.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually he called and told her what she matter-of-factly reported back to me.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I told you, Sherry, he's not coming.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: He just called.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Something came up.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was humiliated, hurt.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was more than just a feeling of disappointment.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I felt violated by my own father's actions.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: He changed me that day.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I felt something I had never felt before and never wanted to feel again.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: From that day on, I put so much value on integrity that it became a core belief in my soul that if you said something to somebody, you had to honor it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Words mattered, but actions reigned supreme.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Never would I ever be that type of person that would promise something to someone and not follow through.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, I never did get that winter coat from him.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: My mother, seeing my deflated body crumbling into my jacket with alligator tears pouring down my face, promised to take me shopping that weekend.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And to this day, I still remember the exact colors, style, and brand of that winter coat.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So when I tell you how powerful your personal boundaries are, it's because they are your core beliefs, the parts of you that no one should ever disrespect, especially your loved ones.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: But besides my experience, there has been plenty of research that shows why boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy, respectful relationship between parents and adult children living at home.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: According to Psychology Today, without boundaries, resentment and tension can build, leading to strained relationships.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: A 2021 family relations study found that families who set boundaries, communicate more openly, and experience greater well-being.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Simply put, boundaries do more than just foster mutual respect and harmony in the house.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: They will help your adult child to become independent, responsible, and capable.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: They'll also discover their own core beliefs.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And when you treat your children like adults, they become adults.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: So let's do a quick checkout to see if you have any healthy boundaries in place.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, the following issues will be evident.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: First, let's do the personal boundaries.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: They lack appreciation.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: They take your support for granted without acknowledging or reciprocating kindness.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's dishonesty and secrecy.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: They lie, hide important information, or they're deceptive about money, responsibilities, or how they're spending their time.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's an entitlement to financial support.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: They expect you to pay for their expenses without contributing.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: They disregard your time and your commitments.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: They expect immediate responses, last minute favors, or for you to be constantly available.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's emotional manipulation.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: They use guilt, blame, or passive aggressive behavior to get what they want.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: And they disrespect your personal space and your items.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: They ignore privacy, they enter rooms uninvited, and they take your things without asking.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And there's more.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: But here are the issues that arise when no household boundaries have been established.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: They ignore household rules such as curfews, noise levels, guests, and indoor use of drugs.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: They do not contribute to household expenses.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: They live rent-free and never offer to help you with bills, groceries, or shared costs, even if they can.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: They leave messes for others to clean.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: They never clean up after themselves, and they expect you to do their laundry, dishes, and so on.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: They disregard shared spaces.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: They treat common areas as personal territory, monopolizing space without consideration and leave their personal belongings everywhere.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: They bring disruptive behavior into the home.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: They invite guests over without asking.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: They're loud at inappropriate hours, and they engage in activities that disrupt the household.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And they use household resources without limits.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: They overconsume utilities like electricity, water, internet, without any concern for cost or waste.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: When parents fail to set clear boundaries, they often find themselves exhausted, overextended, and resentful.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the effects of this free-for-all lifestyle is your adult child becomes highly dependent and very unmotivated.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Without healthy boundaries in place, what should be a loving relationship turns into a source of frustration, tension, and conflict.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's obvious that establishing healthy boundaries is the way to go, why then do so many parents struggle to create them?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's a few reasons.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: They fear that they'll damage the relationship with their adult child.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt creeps in.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: What if they get upset?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: What if they shut me out?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: So these parents simply avoid having these difficult conversations.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: They literally put their children's moods before their own needs.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Others feel stuck.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: They'll say, I don't even know where to start.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then there are parents who set some boundaries but then they don't follow through.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, there's the emotional pushback, the manipulation, anger, guilt tripping, which makes parents feel even worse.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: The key here is to recognize what is holding you back from doing something that only has an upside.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much more that can be shared on this topic that I actually created a 60-minute workshop so we can dive deeper into how to set up these healthy boundaries with your adult child.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: For the first 45 minutes, I'll take you through a step-by-step framework for setting up boundaries that are conflict-free and actually stick, and you'll learn how to handle pushback without guilt or resistance.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Then we'll have a 15-minute Q ⁇ A where you can ask me anything or just listen to what others are going through.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: By the end, you'll have a clear plan to create a peaceful home where you feel respected and appreciated, and you will watch your adult child become responsible, considerate, and self-sufficient.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to sign up and take the first step toward building a healthier relationship with your young adult while they're still living at home.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: All the information you need, including the link to the workshop, is in the show notes, and it's also available on my website, sharryjonaslifeffects.com under the tab Workshop.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.