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Radical Acceptance: Acknowledge the Reality to Move Toward Peace · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  Mary: Hi, welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
• 0:05
  Mary: I'm going to talk today about radical acceptance.
• 0:08
  Mary: And this is explained in much detail in a book called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brock.
• 0:15
  Mary: But a lot of the concepts are they're pretty simple, but like a lot of things, that doesn't make them easy.
• 0:26
  Mary: But radical acceptance is based a lot on Buddhist teachings.
• 0:31
  Mary: But I think when we can remember and access some of these ideas, it can help us hit pause if we're really mired in a situation that feels uncomfortable or deeply sad or there's a lot of anger.
• 0:51
  Mary: So let me first tell you a little bit about what radical acceptance means.
• 0:57
  Mary: The basis really is that you are acknowledging, accepting the reality of what's happening without trying to fight it or change it or push against it or deny that it's happening.
• 1:14
  Mary: And one of the things that can be confusing is when we use the word acceptance, there can be this idea that when we practice radical acceptance, we're saying it's okay, that what has happened is okay.
• 1:31
  Mary: You know, typically when we say we accept something, it means we agree with it.
• 1:35
  Mary: We don't have to agree with what is in our life that is causing us to feel pain or causing us to suffer.
• 1:43
  Mary: But we do have to accept that it has happened and that it is there.
• 1:48
  Mary: And often I think we spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how we wish we could undo it or how painful it is.
• 1:59
  Mary: And by just simply starting with an acceptance that that is what is going on, that it has happened, or acknowledging what it feels like, that is the start.
• 2:16
  Mary: And along with that is practicing a lack of judgment, no judgment about it.
• 2:23
  Mary: So you can allow both pleasant and unpleasant thoughts or feelings or sensations without labeling them good or bad.
• 2:32
  Mary: And we often do that with the ways we feel.
• 2:37
  Mary: I shouldn't feel this way.
• 2:38
  Mary: It's bad to feel this way.
• 2:40
  Mary: It just is.
• 2:41
  Mary: And by accepting that you feel a certain way, that you're angry with someone or someone's actions hurt you, by simply accepting your feelings about it, that is very freeing.
• 2:54
  Mary: It's not saying you accept that someone's behavior was okay.
• 2:59
  Mary: You're simply acknowledging and accepting your reaction to it.
• 3:03
  Mary: And it's different than resigning yourself to it.
• 3:09
  Mary: It's different than saying, well, my mom always does these things or often does these things that tend to be hurtful to me.
• 3:18
  Mary: I guess I just have to accept that that's how she is and it's going to continue.
• 3:23
  Mary: On one hand, you can't change her.
• 3:26
  Mary: So accepting that that is who she is, and the behaviors will likely continue, that's important.
• 3:34
  Mary: But at the same time, you're not saying that you have to continue to endure it in the same way that you have been.
• 3:42
  Mary: You're allowed to change your response to it.
• 3:45
  Mary: But I think we do, again, spend a lot of time wishing someone was different.
• 3:50
  Mary: And I've talked about this in a different way with the idea of expecting the expected, that there are people in our lives that continually disappoint us because we wish they were different.
• 4:03
  Mary: Instead of looking at really who are they?
• 4:07
  Mary: What has their behavior been historically?
• 4:10
  Mary: And just accepting that's who that person is.
• 4:14
  Mary: That's who your parent is, even if they are not at all like this um parent that we wish they were.
• 4:24
  Mary: We have this idea of what a parent should be.
• 4:27
  Mary: And a lot of us don't have parents like that.
• 4:29
  Mary: They're flawed human beings.
• 4:31
  Mary: Or we may wish that there was this one thing, or maybe many things, about our partner that was different.
• 4:39
  Mary: And starting with accepting that that is who they are, then you can start from that point to decide: is this what I want in my life?
• 4:50
  Mary: Instead of spending so much energy and time feeling hurt about behaviors that have happened before, or feeling disappointment, or wishing that things were different.
• 5:05
  Mary: Once you accept the reality of what is happening, that begins your path through it.
• 5:13
  Mary: That clears the way for you to be able to decide, okay, this is what it is.
• 5:18
  Mary: I'm looking straight at it.
• 5:20
  Mary: I'm accepting that I have feelings of disappointment or feelings of anger or of hurt.
• 5:27
  Mary: Um, and then from that point, you can decide, okay, this is what it is.
• 5:33
  Mary: What am I going to do from this point?
• 5:35
  Mary: And that's really the essence of radical acceptance built into that is compassion for yourself, you know, not judging how you have been reacting to it, but pretty much accepting, yeah, this is painful.
• 5:53
  Mary: Yes, I wish it was different.
• 5:54
  Mary: However, it's not.
• 5:56
  Mary: And where am I going to go from here?
• 5:58
  Mary: So if you want to explore more, certainly you can, you know, grab Tara Brock's book, Radical Acceptance.
• 6:07
  Mary: It's pretty in-depth, it's pretty detailed.
• 6:10
  Mary: So I think, you know, following first of all the broad strokes of acknowledging the reality without judgment, recognizing you're accepting it without saying, oh, it's okay that it's this way.
• 6:25
  Mary: You're just accepting that it is, being compassionate towards yourself with it.
• 6:31
  Mary: And that's built in as you start to think about now how do you want to make your way through it?
• 6:36
  Mary: And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.