Latest / The Golden Chronicles / Episode 8: Roles- I see YOU
Transcript
- Danielle: ⁓ and you joining us ⁓ on the Golden podcast. ⁓ I'm Danielle. I'm millennial. ⁓ I'm Victoria. I'm boomer. ⁓ If you're new welcome. We're really glad you found us. ⁓ And if you've listening along, welcome back. We're so grateful you're here. ⁓ In our last of episodes, we talked about staying connected when we see the world differently. ⁓ and staying connected when the world itself changes around us. We explored beliefs, we explored context. Today, we're talking about something just as powerful. We're talking about what happens when the people in our lives outgrow the mental snapshot we've been carrying of them and how updating that picture can open the door to better connections. when parents have to see their children as adults and when adult children begin to realize that their parents had and still have entire identities outside of being just their parent. ⁓ talking about the reality that everyone we encounter from parents to friends to partners all have lives bigger than just the role that they're playing in the moment that you encounter them. If you're a parent learning to loosen your grip, an adult child wanting to be seen who you are now, or someone realizing the people around you are far more layered ⁓ than you first thought, ⁓ this episode might be for you. we're talking about what it looks like to update the picture ⁓ to acknowledge growth and to stay connected as the roles ⁓ shift. Yes, I love that. I love the thought of staying connected, even we're not seeing each other in the same ways that we to see each other ⁓ and to expand our picture of the people in our lives and to expand not only like the picture of them, but the position of them in our lives, more ⁓ all of the facets of they are. feel like, yeah, really good perspective. And that can only deepen our relationship our connection, which is a great thing. Yeah, ⁓ So let's dive right in. talk about ⁓ our word of the day, which will the word. ⁓ Role. Role. R-O-L-E. So a role is the function, behavior, or duty expected of an individual in a specific position, social setting, or process. It a of associated with a status, such as in a job, in a family or in a social group. Okay. So duty expected of an individual in a specific social setting. in a family, right? And that set of associated with their status in a family. And I think we'll probably be focusing in on how role affects a family. ⁓ Yeah. Well, ⁓ definitely considering this is a family. ⁓ relationship building podcast. a show. exactly. Okay, so keeping people in old roles. Why we keep people in old roles? first I think about ⁓ when I'm asked that is because I think we haven't realized that we did freeze people in a particular role. It's just what we're used to. It's commonplace and we don't even realize that we need to take a look at that and even question Did I freeze that person in that role? Yeah, I think it's easy to do without really realizing that we're doing it. I remember being on a plane looking out the window and seeing all the cars. just going their own ⁓ way. And I was just like, wow. one of those people ⁓ is They are the main character in their story. running errands. Some of them are having the worst day of their Some of them are having the best day their life. so, ⁓ Very good analogy. Not ⁓ necessarily roles, but just like kind of ⁓ people as more than just ⁓ part of a supporting role in your story, but starting to think about how everybody has their own story and everybody is so multifaceted. ⁓ That kind of reminds me ⁓ of ⁓ one day I'm driving to the mall and I see a woman coming towards me and is hysterically ⁓ as she's driving I just... paused and thought, wonder what's going on in her life. But I can see where what you're saying, relates. People have lives and it's not just my story. It's all those thousands of millions of stories. Yeah, all kind of intertwined. ⁓ So we keep people in old roles because we don't realize we're holding on to an old role that we them in. ⁓ Or maybe... ⁓ we don't see the necessity in updating the picture or the information of who we know that person to be because you are my mom and you're always going to be my mom and you're my mom, you know? like, maybe sometimes we don't see the necessity of getting to know you as more than just my mom, but getting to know you as an adult, you know? Yes, and I've been thinking about that because ⁓ I'm considering, I want to be in a relationship? And so if I do choose to ⁓ open myself up to that, then that's gonna have to cause my children to change their version of who I am. Yeah, because now you're not just our mom who was married to our dad. Now you're single and ready to mingle. ⁓ Right, and that will definitely change the way they think of their mom, although they've encouraged me to. ⁓ consider being in a relationship is not something that they would not agree with. Yeah. Also, I think that sometimes we hold on to old ideas of people because it's nostalgic. Yeah. Right. So like, want you to be the mom that you were when I was 15. And so I'm holding on to that idea of like, you used to scratch my back when I was sick and you used to, you all the things that mom used to do. you know, I don't think that this is necessarily relevant in our story, but sometimes people expect people to show up in the way that they showed up in the past. And on like a cellular level, our bodies are we are constantly changing. ⁓ like, ⁓ know, our skin is regenerating our, ⁓ you know, ⁓ our nose is growing, you know, all these ⁓ And so, ⁓ naive of us to expect someone to just still be the same person ⁓ show up in the same role that they did in the past. right, right. ⁓ I think sometimes like changing ⁓ snapshot or the idea of someone that have in your head also creates like an uncertainty, right? So it be, I've always known this person ⁓ as this, that, or the other. And now I'm starting to see them as this and where does that leave me ⁓ I think because ⁓ we are unaware that we have locked a person in to a particular character ⁓ characterization. that we may not even consider where that leaves me if I update ⁓ or look at them more correctly. I don't even think that we think of that because we haven't thought that we've locked them in. So I'm not certain for me that that would be an issue. I think sometimes though, if you think of a parent ⁓ their child is growing up, sometimes they don't want to see their child as independent because if my child is independent, then are they still gonna need me? ⁓ For me, I know for me and my son Terrence, he's 35. 30. ⁓ And sometimes I don't see him as a 35 year old. I still see him as my son. ⁓ And whatever that like, whatever that means, whatever I've locked him into. ⁓ ⁓ that can be stressful for him because I'm still trying to parent him. But if you're a parent, you know how that works. It's it's something that you have to release. ⁓ Terrence and I have talked about, we wish there were ⁓ books that told you how to be a parent. to a particular person, so ⁓ the book of Terrence, chapter three, page 17. This is what Terrence needs at this point. And then I can follow the instructions that's in the book about Terrence. But we don't have that. We just have our experience. I've been his parent for 35 years and I need to make changes into how I quote unquote parent. ⁓ Because it's not the same as I parented before. I don't even know if I am parenting anymore. The whole relationship is changing. So of siblings or children, my parents, her son being my sibling. So my sister, Cheriese, shout out Cheriese. Love you. Yeah, she's amazing. She is one of the smartest, strongest, wisest women I know. I agree. she's 12 years older than me. ⁓ growing up, I remember thinking that like sister had it all figured out. If there was any kind of advice that I needed from financial advice to ⁓ dating advice to anything. Hey, that's still Yeah. mean, she's that amazing. Like so smart. But anyway, so I had her kind of maybe a pedestal a little bit. ⁓ And so she's just ⁓ smart wise, you know? ⁓ And is still incredibly smart and wise, but like as, since we're both can, our seasons of life are getting together, if that makes sense. so now that I'm able to see her ⁓ less as ⁓ great, mighty is, and more as my peer, ⁓ able to see, she's figuring it out like the rest of us. very smart and very wise and very strategic in how she figures it all out. ⁓ it kind of made her more human to me, I guess, ⁓ So now the role in her life isn't, like I said, almighty sister. Now it's my sister that I can do life with. can, we can talk about kids. we can talk about being a mother and I can just see her, she's back in the dating scene. And so I'm thankfully out of the dating scene, been out of the dating scene for what, 18 years or something like that. And so like, it's only been six years for me. So to kind of like. give her the things that I learned while I was dating. I don't know, it was just more human way of seeing her as opposed to just putting her on a pedestal. Yes, she is amazing. I definitely agree with that. Yeah, but now like not this unlofty expectation that I have of her. Now I just, like I said, it humanizes her and now I just feel i don't know we're in this together. She is smart and wise and I can also be smart and wise and make good decisions. ⁓ think ⁓ ⁓ I know the has changed, ⁓ but I think we see more clearly. Which think ⁓ part roles right? Because even though you've always seen me your daughter, I've always, I mean, since I ⁓ could have I've always been a friend. Yes. Since was two old, always a sibling. True. And just because role me always been a daughter. and you're starting to see me as other than a daughter, more than a daughter. than a daughter. ⁓ Doesn't mean that my role is changing. I guess it's you're able, yeah, ⁓ you're able to see ⁓ I wouldn't say that I see you as more than a daughter. Yes, I do. ⁓ But ⁓ see you, I see more of you. ⁓ Not that I mean I more of you ⁓ as matter of time, but we do spend more time together. ⁓ But I see ⁓ larger... of you, like you see of Cheriese, I guess. I see a larger portion of who you ⁓ Not just ⁓ my daughter, but ⁓ who is very professional, who is very skilled at what she does, has a great work ethic that she did not from me, but got from her dad. ⁓ I see all of who you are, ⁓ of who you are. ⁓ than just Danielle, my daughter. There's this movie, I can't even remember what it's called, maybe The Others or something, and there's this line. It's like a scary movie, a psychological thriller or whatever, and this mom is looking for her daughter, and I think that maybe she's talking to a ghost or something, and so she's like, where is my daughter? And the little girl looks at her all creepy and she says, but I am your daughter. So my mom and I say that every once in a while when we're. I'm doing something crazy and she's like, who are you and what did you do? But I am your your daughter So funny. But yeah, I think sometimes we do get stuck and everybody is multifaceted. ⁓ so ⁓ like you said, I'm not just your daughter. I'm professional. I'm a creative. I'm ⁓ a woman with independent thought. I'm an independent woman, damn it. And then also feel ⁓ like been able to start seeing you than just mom and I think losing daddy kind of opened maybe the catalyst for me being able to see you as more than just like my mom because I feel like it was very real that you were you know grieving widow and maybe for me it was that I needed to show up for you differently than I would just like I think shortly after your dad passed away, I bought a house and then shortly after that I sold the house and Danielle didn't quite understand why I was the house and I didn't understand I bought the house and ⁓ it was just a time for, ⁓ I don't know if it was scary for Danielle or shocking or unnerving to see in ways that she had not me before. ⁓ I depended so much on. on your dad on Terry for making decisions and all of that. ⁓ And of course, Cheriese, with her wisdom, she in to help us both understand what was going on. ⁓ So yeah, I think could have been a ⁓ little starling and ⁓ scary if you can use that word for you seeing differently. ⁓ Also, in seeing you differently, I think all of us adult children can agree that our parents are our parents, sometimes our parents just ⁓ eye roll, right? They're our parents, and ⁓ there are quirks about our parents, and we're just like, mom, geez, ⁓ my gosh, you guys. ⁓ Let just tell you this quick story, because it's one of those things. My mom started working at Ramsay. And of course, in a lot of communities, Dave is like a celebrity, right? ⁓ And so ⁓ my mom working for and when she had the interview, I think she had several interviews, but she had interview with him ⁓ and I was. So I work in the entertainment industry and so I am around a lot of people who are celebrities or whatever and one of the things that is really big for me, I'm like, don't ask for pictures, just let them live their life, right? And so I tell my mom, I'm like, okay, when you go in, you are working for this man, do not ask him for a picture. What does my mother do? What does my mother do? She goes in and she asks this man for a picture. She says, I told you not to ask for a picture. I said, you told me not to ask for a picture. He ⁓ happy to take a picture with her. ⁓ she, when she got the job there, she was loved you know, everybody, she was the director of first impressions. So everybody who in the building, she was able to greet and talk to And so she knew everybody. And so she had whole life outside of anything, any advice that I gave her for sure. But to see her as not just my mom, who's just ⁓ my God, mom, but there's like the things that she does that maybe little bit annoying to me are endearing to other people. And to see that she's not just my mom, she's these people's friend and this person's coworker and ⁓ all these things. in seeing you ⁓ different and seeing ⁓ seeing me different, think that it's important to acknowledge. ⁓ Really, you know, I'm getting emotional with saying that because really kind of ⁓ I don't know where that fear is coming from. not fear like, you know, oh my God, but just a fear of, I don't know if it's the unknown or just a sadness of what I'm losing. But I have to remember that yes, I'm losing the, I assumed is her role from the past to who she is now, but the dash in between that is kind of scary. And I don't know if that's just me or if it's. A universal experience. A universal experience. What feels scary about it? Or what is the fear? The unknown, the unknown. The unknown of who may see me as, because I am still, I am who, like I am multifaceted, even if you only see the creative daughter, smart woman side, I would think. that it's both, like I fear what is our relationship gonna be like now? Is she gonna like me? You know, that's scary. Is she gonna like me still? And then who I her? ⁓ Who will I be to her? ⁓ Will she have time for me anymore? ⁓ those kind of fears, are kind of unfounded. Yeah, is of what I was ⁓ mentioning when I said change. feels uncertain even though when you realize it, so you may not have realized, people may not realize that they are holding people in like an old version, right? A version 1.1 and we're now on version four, you know? But then once you realize, yeah, I guess it can create uncertainty because what does our relationship look like now? And that example that you gave of the version 1.1 and now the version 4.1. The version 4.1 is so much better. So many new things that you can experience. So many new things that are more simplistic, that advance you in your ⁓ skills and in your relationships. ⁓ So it shouldn't be a scary thing, but I just guess the unknown. Yeah, which is fair. What does it look like? What does it look like? Which is Honestly so valid because one of my, y'all this is a real deep conversation right here, but one of my fears is like the novelty of me is gonna wear off when I meet new people. in my job constantly in a new ⁓ group of people. It's like going to a high every six months, you know, where you're like just in a new group of people, where do I fit this? ⁓ so, yeah, ⁓ I think that that fear of once they see me as more than just, the lighting director on the tour and they get to know me as the friend and the coworker and all that, like are they gonna like all the parts of me? And so I think that's ⁓ ⁓ universal experience and not any, you know, that's. ⁓ And I think it's valid in our conversation. You know, are they gonna like me? Yeah. ⁓ Once they, and it's. It's not really that they're changing, it's that we're changing the way we think of them. So if they love us and we think of them in a certain role, and then we rightfully see them and who they actually are, it's not gonna cause them to stop loving us. ⁓ And so guess that's a fear that ⁓ I don't need to be concerned about. Because not really changing who you ⁓ are, it's just allowing me to see who you really are. Right. Yeah. And like, let that be a reminder as we're expanding our views of people, if you love someone and you are learning more about them, ⁓ like they are still the person who you love. like you're getting to your children and maybe your adult children believe the same way that you ⁓ raised them believe. They are still your person who you love, you know, they're still your child. They're still, I mean, They're more than your child, but they're still like the core of who you are, still loves the core of who they are. And you're growing that love for that person, you know? Yeah. I love that. The core of who you are still loves the core of who they are. That's really good. Yeah. And a good reminder, because I think sometimes like we, as people grow and grow apart, it's like... ⁓ I mean, obviously there are seasons. This is specifically friendships, maybe not, you know, parent child, but you know, you get to know someone more and you're changing role isn't your bestie anymore. Now they've got their mom. And I have a friend, Sara, who is also amazing. I have so many amazing people in my life. But I remember she, we were working together, then she got a new job And then. She went back to college and then she started dating someone and then she got a dog. so these were like all really big things in her life that were happening. And was just like, why isn't Sara showing up as my friend Sara? ⁓ Well, Sara had a million other things. ⁓ She just my friend. She was a student. She was a new employee. She was a girlfriend. She was a dog. So like, ⁓ I to expand my view of her and to give her grace because... She was more than just my friend. She was more than just that part of my story. She had a whole life. She had a whole life like all those people in those cars that you were looking down on from that airplane. Yeah. She had her life. Yeah. I think that sometimes parents equate ⁓ love ⁓ with presence and proximity and like being needed and so as the dynamic shifts with their child ⁓ and their child maybe doesn't, they're realizing that, okay, well, my child is now an adult and they're not just my child, now they're a wife or a husband. ⁓ Well, now they're not gonna be around as much, so do they, is that love still gonna be strong? Are we not gonna love each other as much because now we're not together as much? Or ⁓ they really don't need me anymore and so, What is love if I'm not being needed? Two's on the enneagram, can you guys hear me out there? And then adult children maybe equate love with respect and trust and autonomy. like those things kind of sometimes be in conflict with one another. a parent, feels like they need to be needed in order to feel loved and a child feels like I need my space. If you love me, you would give me my space. Then we can see where in that instance, it's like creating tension between, ⁓ and not just parents and children, but ⁓ if someone, you know, feels like, well, you've always shown up for me by there now you ⁓ have a little space between us. Do you not me anymore? Are things changing? Do you care about me in same way? And ⁓ no, just. role in your life maybe changing and then also like to broaden your perspective of who are. I need to update my version the role that I play in their life as we've spoken before. ⁓ I think that's a very important part. ⁓ Our role has changed. Yeah. You know, I would love to be able to scratch her back and make all things better because that's what scratching her back used to do. That's no longer my role. My role now becomes to listen, to really try to understand what she's saying, where she's at in her life, what's going on in her life. And my role would change so I would still be supportive. I would still have a role of being supportive to her and ⁓ supporting the things she's doing. but it's no longer my role to fix it or to give unsolicited advice in that situation. yeah. ⁓ What was the hardest thing for you about letting go of the old version of me? Was there anything, I guess the uncertainty and the fear? The fear, yeah. The uncertainty and the fear was the hardest for me. But even as we're sitting here talking, I mean, the fear is real. I still, I'm acknowledging today, I'm acknowledging that there is fear associated with that. I hadn't even acknowledged that yesterday. or an hour ago. But I am acknowledging that there is fear associated with that, but I don't have to fear that. think through this conversation that we've had, I don't have to fear that. That just be my because sometimes I run to fear before I run to faith ⁓ or thinking that something is gonna be great. I run to fear. That's just my personality. ⁓ Yeah, my default. ⁓ So now that I'm aware of that, as we move forward, I can release the fear replace it with different ⁓ Let's see, was the hardest part for me about letting go of the old version of you? Good question. I would say, you can correct me if I'm wrong, ⁓ as I age, having more difficulty with processing information ⁓ and ⁓ maybe as sharp minded as I used to be. And so I think maybe that might be something that you're just having to recognize, ⁓ you might have to go who thought I was emotionally possibly or mentally ⁓ or begin to understand that there are going to some ⁓ release her from the role that I had her locked into, I may need take a look at that, revisit that and say, okay, yeah, She's my mom and she's 65. Yeah, she's my mom and she's old. I'm just kidding. Yeah, I can't think of anything, I'm old. But I do work hard on trying to... better myself in all areas of that. But I work out, I do things that help me emotionally. I see a therapist. I think that ⁓ growing up, thought that, know, we're cut from the same cloth ⁓ and we are the same type of thinkers and we're the same type of, emotional people in how we handle our emotions and stuff. so I think that, realizing that we aren't we don't really think the same. You know, I can say, I don't know, like We have the same foundation, so I think that makes us both sensible and reasonable, but we do think differently. But whatever we're thinking, we're still sensible, we're still reasonable. But like you said, what it is that we're thinking may be different, but the foundation of that is the same. And even just how we go about thoughts. Expound on that. ⁓ So. For instance, when we were recording the episode on worldviews, we were talking about agree to agree. And ⁓ just the way that you think agree to versus agree agree ⁓ is different ⁓ what I think agree to disagree versus agree agree are. ⁓ same words, to agree. ⁓ you hear, ⁓ let's find things regardless ⁓ of the topic, right? So if we're talking about the temperature of water and we can't on then let's at least agree on the fact that we both. Water is a good thing. ⁓ No, not even like, like your mind goes We don't have to agree on the water, but let's agree that we both care about each other. Yeah. Right? Where like me agree to agree is, okay, well, we can't agree on the temperature of the water, but we can agree that we both like water ⁓ or that we're both in the water, just like foundational agreeing to agree and then just like building a basis of that. you, we like in a little... ⁓ It wasn't an argument or even a heated discussion, but just kind of like a debate about what that meant because even though we were saying the same words, my idea of that concept is different than your idea of that concept. So best friend, I can say agree to agree. And she's like, oh my God, yes. And she is on the same level as me, you know? I think that was, you know, it's happened several times where I'm just like, wow, We think about things very differently. We're not even thinking about simple things in the same way. You ⁓ you think of grapes, you think of green. I think of grapes, I think of purple, you know, just in things like that, you know, so. ⁓ And I also wanted to say, and that's good to know because I'll work on that. I'll be more mindful of that. Thank you, I appreciate you bringing that out. ⁓ And what I was gonna say, I think we also need to look ⁓ at the roles that we ⁓ have associated with ourselves. ⁓ I used to love to do crafts. Now, if you give me a craft to do, I'm gonna hurt you. ⁓ And so who I am is changing. ⁓ So the person that I show up for or up ⁓ as, that has even changed. And it even takes a minute for anyway realize, wow, I've changed. And are things that I can let go of. I can through crap basket and get rid of most of that crap, because I'm not going to use it. ⁓ probably wouldn't get rid of everything just in case. yeah, so I think as far as letting go of the role that locked someone into, ⁓ need to be mindful that we may have locked ourself into a role and that it no longer serves ⁓ there can be conflict within our own thoughts when... we don't let go of who we used to be. I'm very rigid in some things and one of my favorite is Eleanor Roosevelt where she says, must the you think you cannot ⁓ And I put a lot of stress on myself to get ⁓ it done, whatever it ⁓ is. ⁓ And that structured myself has got to change. Yes, I want to accomplish, I have things that I want to accomplish, I not beat myself up. ⁓ And ⁓ it's not, it's no longer okay. And the role that I played for myself, that was okay. It's no longer okay. ⁓ that part of I I am or who I once was, ⁓ that role has to change. I have to change the role. for myself if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. And I think that's part of it that we're constantly changing. So I guess to hold onto the idea that someone else is gonna stay in a role, like you said, is naive of us, but also to think that we are gonna be the same person that we were five years ago is also naive. And it's not a bad thing to change the core of who we are. mean, maybe the core of who we are sometimes changes and maybe that's for the better, but I don't feel like. the core of who I am changed. I'm still Danielle on the inside, but I'm just all, I'm Danielle who shows up differently, I don't know. Yeah, you're still practical, you're still reasonable, you're still wise. Those things have not changed. ⁓ Just... But now I'm a stepmom, and I'm a wife, and ⁓ I can't ⁓ hold on to you know... old ideas that this is how I do things or this is who I am and this is who I've always been. Some of it obviously, my values and stuff like that. idea that I can stay up until two in the morning and wake up at noon, gone. Not who I am anymore. I get tired too easy. My husband and my family suffer. Yeah. Okay. So you're not locked into the role that you had created or that not really created, that you I just fell into, honestly. That you fell into. Yes, exactly. And think too, ⁓ for adult children, have to realize even ⁓ we, in the same way I looked at my sister and I'm like, ⁓ our are still becoming, my sister was still becoming, I'm still becoming, I'm still growing and changing. so yes, updated your ⁓ snapshot of me time, but guess what? ⁓ It's gotta keep updating, you get locked in. It's ⁓ a roaming camera. It's not Polaroid. And the day I was looking at the from Instagram profile. ⁓ And Danielle actually took that photo, but it was probably five years ago. ⁓ and I've had gained some weight, I had gotten older. ⁓ And I liken to role that we, I to ⁓ Yeah. The photograph. Update the snapshot. Update the snapshot. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. that ⁓ same idea of letting go of the I think it's important that when we meet people, we consider... ⁓ from the start that they are growing and changing and we'll get less of a permanent snapshot of them in our head. think if we go into the relationship understanding that the snapshot that we have will change. change, yes. So when I got married I put a little line in my vows because I acknowledge that my husband is his own person. ⁓ So the line in my vows says, ⁓ I'm promising to acknowledge that you are a subject in this world with your own feelings, thoughts, needs and desires and that you are not simply just an object in my story. And I think that that's what we have to acknowledge is that people are ⁓ subjects in their own story. They're not just the object they're not just the supporting role. They're not just the... comic relief, they're not just the, antagonist or whatever, they are the main character in their story. They've got their own going on, they've got their own... dynamics and multifaceted personalities and all of And I think that that's, I really appreciate vows I'm under the belief that I should saying those vows to my kids ⁓ that I promise to acknowledge that Danielle and are individuals in this world with their own feelings, their own thoughts, their own needs, their own desires. and that they are not simply just an object in my story. So that's a vow that I'm making to them as well. I had this friend growing up who, she was all about the Backstreet Boys. She loved the Backstreet Boys. And so every time we hung out, I would be talking about the Backstreet Boys because in my mind, she's the Backstreet Boyfriend, right? And one day I was at her house and I don't know why, I mean I know why, but this pissed me off so bad. But she said, I was talking about the Backstreet Boys and like hyping her up about some story that I'd heard or read in J-14 or whatever and she looks at me. y'all like dead serious and she says, know, the whole world is not about the Backstreet Boys. And I was like, are you kidding me? I like N*SYNC The only reason I'm talking about the Backstreet Boys is because you like the Backstreet Boys But I guess I needed to I like it. I I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. this is what she wants to talk about and this is what she is important to her and I guess it just wasn't anymore. Granted we were 14 so like things probably changed every week but I swear this girl was on the Backstreet Boys for at least 15 months. So in the same way that had limited our friendship just being the Backstreet Boys, extreme example, right? But ⁓ I think when we keep someone in an old role or when we keep ourselves in an old role, really, we are also the connection, ⁓ the intimacy that we can have the person. Like if I just held Cheriese on the pedestal. my all-knowing Cheriese. don't think that I would see Well, one, I see her ⁓ now makes my struggles feel so big because everybody's struggling this. Like even the wise, smart, strong woman are struggling with this as well. And so it gives opportunities to connect. think like you said, you seeing me as more than just your daughter has ⁓ given us more opportunities to connect. And so ⁓ I think that, we just have to realize updating the roles allow us ⁓ deeper connections, like we said in the And I think once we update the role, we update our behavior. Yeah. as a mom, I would just say what I felt like saying over the years. ⁓ as ⁓ I, ⁓ and I think ⁓ I make the conscious decision at first. to see her, to see Danielle differently, but I was just being my regular self and sometimes, excuse my language, I was an asshole. And I said the wrong thing. You said it. ⁓ But that taught me that I need to check myself. And I don't know that that had anything to do with the role change for her, ⁓ but the behavior for me, I think, was the thing needed to change because of who she is. She is my daughter, and I ⁓ should be mindful of how speaking to her. She's not just a child that I can say, go to your room right now, or even have that kind of tone or that kind of. of agitation. I need to let go of all of that. Yeah, you're talking to a grown ass woman right now. yeah. absolutely. Yeah, I thought like I'm an adult. Yeah, right, right, right. I'm an adult. Yeah. And I still had her locked into she's my daughter. Yeah. Whatever that meant. Yeah. In the same kind of conversation, one of the things that I do feel like my mom is getting better at, but... have told her that sometimes I feel like she responds to people in a way that she expects them to respond, which is also one of the struggles of keeping people in a role. if as a teenager, you know, from 16 to 18, I was flippant and talking back and then, you know, I went away to college and then I come home and I've had, you know, come to Jesus or whatever, you know. This isn't the exact situation, but I had grown and I think I think I'd gone to college and then I came back. had tonsils removed at 23 years old, you guys. ⁓ And I changed a lot. And I think that you were expecting me respond ⁓ as the angsty 17 year old or whatever that I was, but I grown. ⁓ so like you're. ⁓ it was detrimental to our relationship that you hadn't updated your snapshot because not just, mean, in that interaction, I was still your daughter, but you were expecting me to be the talk back, mouthy, attitude, response daughter. And I didn't have an attitude when I responded, but because thought that I gonna have an attitude. my yes came across as yes, you know, or whatever, you know, where I'm just like, I always said was yes. And she's like, you said it with, you you said it like, no, just said yes, because that's, what she was expecting me to come with. And so I think that can be a big thing to your parents. We expect our child to show up a certain way because that's how they've shown up in the past, but they are also changing. And so need to give them the to change and to not have these. I mean, preconceived ideas are gonna happen, right? It's just a natural part of life. But to remind ourselves that our ideas are preconceived and to allow ourselves to open up our... There's just so much in that whole thing about locking someone in a particular role ⁓ that we are unaware of, that we are just oblivious ⁓ until it's out. ⁓ So we hope that ⁓ this conversation... ⁓ I mean, we're never here to teach. We're just sharing our life story and hoping that maybe you begin to question, have I locked someone in a role? Have I locked myself in a role? Are there things that I need to think differently about? So that's our goal we have conversations, our intention is to ⁓ Is to one generation to another. So that's what goal is ⁓ in this Yeah. ⁓ I do feel like our and your relationships have so potential to grow ⁓ you're able to update ⁓ expectations, update the picture, you know? ⁓ Love means new things I mean, it means the things, but like love shows up differently now, right? ⁓ Yes. ⁓ And, ⁓ and... It expanded. Yes. I think it's expanded. Yes. Which I feel like love is right like it has to be constantly growing. I would agree. I would agree. Yeah. That's how I feel anyways. Yeah. So yeah, I think my mom will never stop being my mom. I'll never stop being her child. But also I don't neither one of us stops becoming ourselves. so just same for you guys. Like you guys, you're, you're, you'll never stop being yourselves, but who you are, allow yourself to grow and change and allow your view of the others in your life that you love to grow and change as well. And I think that that will help us all have better relationships. Also, let's just say this, like our podcast is for people who want to do better. There are some people, some parents, some children who haven't come to that realization yet. They haven't had that introspection yet. And so ⁓ maybe just put this information in your pocket and hold it for when they're ready. But not everybody's ready. And I don't want to like minimalize the or trivialize the dynamics and families of people who just aren't willing to do the work. But this is for people who are who have acknowledged that maybe I do need to. Right. ⁓ know, there are some listening who have great relationships with their adult children and ⁓ who have great relationships with their baby boomer parents. just, ⁓ you know, like I said, sharing our story and folks to think about and to ponder. Yeah. We're growing still. ⁓ We're still growing. ⁓ Yeah. But thank you guys so much for joining us. super, super, super appreciate you being here. If you've enjoyed the podcast, if you've come back and listened, we would love for you to ⁓ rate our podcast on Spotify and Apple podcasts. It really does do a lot for us. And if you have something in this podcast that resonates and you feel like sharing, we would love for you to share this with. people who you might think would enjoy this. Enjoy sitting on our couch, sitting at the bar in my mom's kitchen, and hanging out with us, because we've enjoyed hanging out with you guys. So thank you so much. Thank you so much. Until next time. Bye. Bye.