Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 334. How to REALLY stop caring about what people think of you

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334. How to REALLY stop caring about what people think of you · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: A listener production method after the town, Why am I
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: jealous of my ex? Iron stoves, fruits, all of those?
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: How do I get into a routine? Is Kiptok's making
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: me anxious? I think I'm being manipulated. Someone told me
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: you could live with half a brain.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: This is do your fucking mind mindset Hacks for a
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Badass Life, hosted.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: By me Alexis Fernandez.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: How Low, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: of today. So in today's episode, of course, I have
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: the topic of today's episode, and I have a brain fact.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: And the brain fact, I think is going to be
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: something that's really really interesting because it might actually be
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: affecting a lot of people who are listening to this
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: podcast right now. And there's people that I have mentioned
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: this too, that have never heard about this ever, and
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: it's been like a way toward a solution for them. Okay, now,
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: the topic of today's episode is how to really not
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: caring about what people think of you so that way
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: you can be more carefree. This is something that is
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: so fucking paralyzing for so many people, and with good reason.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I'm going to explain why it is that we feel
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: this way, why it can be so crippling. And then
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: I'm going to go through ways that you can actually
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: tackle it physically, like things that you can actually be
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: doing to tackle it, but also from a psychological perspective,
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: so you are able to deal with these emotions in
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: a way that don't consume you and don't stop you
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: from living the life that you want to live, and
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: you're able to push through them in the most.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: Productive way possible.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: Because, as you guys know, when I try and give solutions,
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: it's not about how to eliminate this feeling altogether. A
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: lot of the feelings that we feel, it's not about
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: I never want to feel this feeling again. It's about
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: I want to be as productive with this feeling as possible,
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: because so many feelings that we feel, whether it's insecurities,
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: whether it's fear, they just act as an alarm and
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: sometimes they're of real good use, sometimes they're not. So
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: it's just how do I identify this do something about it? Okay,
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: minimize it or eliminate it, or act accordingly. So that's
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: what we're going to be learning about. You want to
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: be equipped with all these tools. So small things, don't
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: you know, fucking cock block you from the big things
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: that you want in your life. Let's get into the
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: brain fact of today, and the brain fact of today
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: is around something called central sensitization. Central sensitization is very
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: common in people that experience chronic pain. However, not all
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: chronic pain is due to central sensitization, not at all.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: So it just plays a big role in it.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: But it doesn't mean that if you experience chronic pain
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: that you definitely have central sensitization.
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  Speaker 1: That's not the case.
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  Speaker 2: Central sensitization is a phenomenon where there is an enhancement
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: in the function of the neurons and the circuits that
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: are involved in no susceptive pathways. So it causes this
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  Speaker 2: echo or this membered pain. Okay, and this happens because
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: there's an increase in something called membrane excitability and synaptic efficacy.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: And then there's this I'm going to break this all
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: down in a second, so I don't worry, but there's
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: this reduced inhibition and it's basically a form of neuroplasticity
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: that causes you to feel chronic pain. This is really
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: common in back pain as well. Okay, Now this is
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: an example of how neuroplasticity can work not in a
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: good way. Because I talk about neuroplasticity all the time
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: about how good it is, especially self directed neuroplasticity and
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: all of that. But here's an example where neuroplasticity is
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: not helping a sister out at all, is doing the opposite. Okay,
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: So this all has to do with how your central
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: nervous system processes sensory inputs.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: Okay. So normally, let's say you.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: Are sitting down and you're in a position for a
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: really prolonged period of time, and it causes you to
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: feel like a twinge in your back. It's really uncomfortable.
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  Speaker 2: So what's happen is you've been in a position. The
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: position is therefore like prolonged, prolonged, prolonged, and then you
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: start getting signals being like this hurts. This is really uncomfortable.
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  Speaker 2: This hurts because your body is saying change the position.
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  Speaker 2: If I stay in this position for too long, something's
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: going to tighten or seize up. It's not good. So
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  Speaker 2: then you move, and once you move, then the pain
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  Speaker 2: signals go away. Okay, So this is normally what's going
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  Speaker 2: on when everything's running smoothly. If you were to injure
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  Speaker 2: your back, slip a disc, you were to do something,
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  Speaker 2: you were to fall over, slip, something was to happen
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: to your back, you would get this crazy amount of
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: pain signals sent to the brain. And the reason for
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  Speaker 2: this pain signal is to obviously let your brain know
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  Speaker 2: something's wrong, and you respond accordingly. You move less. You know,
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: you're not doing these big movements. You really hesitant with
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: your movements. You're trying to get your body, give your
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: body an opportunity to heal, and you do that by
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: reducing movement. Again, that's relatively normal, Okay. What's happening here
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  Speaker 2: is that in central sensitization this input is processed differently.
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  Speaker 2: So you have the original stimulus which has caused you
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  Speaker 2: the pain in the first place.
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  Speaker 1: That's normal.
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  Speaker 2: So far, so good, same input. However, the processing at
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  Speaker 2: the level of the spinal cord for people who have
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  Speaker 2: central sensitization or for people who develop it, is way
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  Speaker 2: more sensitive and it actually changes how that input is
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  Speaker 2: being processed at the level of the brain. This is
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  Speaker 2: what then leads to chronic pain. So what happens is
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: that process gets altered for whatever reason, and we're not
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: exactly sure why this occurs in some people, but I
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: will tell you on how it can be treated. But
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  Speaker 2: for some reason in certain people, that pathway gets heightened.
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  Speaker 2: And I mentioned earlier something around remembered pain. So for
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: whatever reason, this signal keeps getting sent to the brain
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  Speaker 2: again and again and again after the stimulus that has
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: caused the pain has gone or after the injury has healed.
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  Speaker 2: So you might be someone that has had a legitimate injury,
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: but then you've healed from that injury, but the signals
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: are still being sent to the brain that that injury
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: is very much still present and very much still a danger,
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  Speaker 2: and if you move, you're going to exacerbate that injury.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: It's going to cause more issues.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: So we're getting this remembered pain, we're getting this heightened
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: sensitivity in those neurons responsible for sending that message. And
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  Speaker 2: then you're getting a reduction in inhibition, which means that
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: the pathway is responsible for inhibiting that signal because we
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: no longer need to send that signal are not working properly.
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  Speaker 2: So it's this whole range of things that are causing
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  Speaker 2: which is basically causing a pathway to send a message
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  Speaker 2: of danger when there is no danger present, and this
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: happens for a prolonged period of time, and it's what
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: can be chronic, and it can be extremely debilitating because
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: from the patient's perspective, doesn't fucking matter what's causing the pain.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: They're in a world of pain. They are experiencing the pain.
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  Speaker 2: They're not pretending. They're not like, oh, but I think, no,
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  Speaker 2: it's legit. The pain is there. There's just no stimulus
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  Speaker 2: that should be causing this signal to be sent to
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  Speaker 2: the brain. So people who have never heard of central setitization,
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: or who don't understand the mechanisms behind it, who don't
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  Speaker 2: know what it is in the first place, who are
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  Speaker 2: experiencing it, might actually think that they've just got a
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  Speaker 2: really low pain tolerance, or they might think that their
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: pain is extremely threatening if the pain is not explained
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: to them. So one of the ways, and i'll go
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  Speaker 2: into it in detail, one of the ways of treating
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  Speaker 2: central sensitization is by teaching the patient about central sensitization,
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: so you can actually start treating how to deal with
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  Speaker 2: that pain in a way that's going to calm those
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  Speaker 2: pathways down. Now, for a lot of people, this pain
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  Speaker 2: increases over time, and it spreads to other areas because
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  Speaker 2: you're getting all this activation in certain neurons and certain fibers,
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  Speaker 2: and then that is kind of influencing the surrounding areas.
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  Speaker 2: So it's getting more intense and it's increasing and based
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: on how the person is behaving around their response to
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  Speaker 2: that pain, it's basically being played out in how they're
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  Speaker 2: experiencing that pain.
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  Speaker 1: Now, this is not explained by damage.
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  Speaker 2: It's explained by hypersensitivity off the nervous system in that region,
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  Speaker 2: and in this case it's you could liken it to
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  Speaker 2: an over active alarm. So normally, if you look at
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: a fire alarm, a fire alarm detects smoke and then
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  Speaker 2: it sends off a signal. It's saying, hey there's danger here,
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  Speaker 2: you need to move, or hey there's been an injury here,
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  Speaker 2: you need.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: To do something about it.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, But sometimes you will have an oversensitive fire alarm
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  Speaker 2: that the smallest thing will set off the alarm and
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  Speaker 2: you're like, this is fucking annoying. I need to reset
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  Speaker 2: this alarm or I need to do something about it.
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  Speaker 2: But I can't keep going this way because this alarm's
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  Speaker 2: going off when there's not even this hint of smoke.
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  Speaker 2: This is kind of what's going on here. You'll do
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: a normal movement that would not cause pain normally, but
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  Speaker 2: it's triggering literally a perfect use of the word trigger.
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  Speaker 2: It is triggering this pathway to send these signals of
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: pain to your brain when you're doing just a stretch,
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  Speaker 2: whereas your brain is like, oh my god, I've slipped
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  Speaker 2: a disc, when you've actually just stretched in a normal
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: movement that is completely normal in your normal range of
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: movement for the kind of person that you are, based
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: on how you normally move. Okay, so we're getting this overactive,
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  Speaker 2: broken alarm system that's ruining your fucking life. Okay, it's
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: basically going off when there's no trauma. It's recognizing pain
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  Speaker 2: where there is no damage. And unfortunately, this just does
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: not disappear that easily.
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  Speaker 1: It can be healed.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: Over a long period of time, but it's quite difficult because,
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: like I said, you could be strengthening these pathways based
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: on how you're behaving to this fear response and to
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  Speaker 2: this pain response, because it's scary. You think I'm going
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: to slip a disc, I've pinched a nerve. I'm going
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: to pinch a neve so you live very your movement
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: is very very restricted, and therefore it exacerbates how your
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: body is responding to this pain. So the way it
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: can be treated, there's several ways that you can treat this.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: It's obviously not an overnart cure, but the number one way.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: And obviously this has to be diagnosed, reason being that
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: you have to determine that there actually isn't something that's
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: causing that pain in the first place, So you need
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: someone to do you need the proper scans. You need
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: to make sure that there legitimately isn't something causing this pain.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: You're not in danger of injuring yourself more. Once you
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: can identify that what is going on is central sensitization,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: then it's a two pronged approach, an emotional psychological approach
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: and then a physical approach as well. Once you know
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: that this is what's happening, it's an over inflammation where
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: already the fear in patients is reduced and there's all
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: this data explaining it. It's like a big part of
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: the treatment is explanation to the patients of what's actually
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: happening in their central nervous system. So they've got to
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: understand what's going on, number one, and they've got a
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: lot of people have never explained it to these patients
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: in the first place. They've not no fucking idea what's
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: going on, and they just dismissed them. Oh, there's nothing there,
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: there's nothing that's causing that pain. Just go home, you'll
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: be fine. Meanwhile, this pathway is going crazy. So Number one,
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: it's going to be explained to them properly. They need
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: to understand the root of it, and a clinician would
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: understand it, hopefully better than what I have on this
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: podcast in detail.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: That's number one.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: Number two, it's going to reduce that fear that you're
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: going to injure yourself if you move more. Once you
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: have that logic understanding, It's like, even if I was
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: to do something that caused it to fire up, I'm
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: at least not fearful that I've caused more pain. I
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: understand what's going on in my nervous system. It is
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: blowing up for no legitimate reason. So that makes me
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: less fearful that I'm going to slip a disc or
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: pinchion nerve or make it worse, because that's not the case.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: Then you can do and again with a clinician, with
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: a therapist, you then can start practicing movement in a
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: way that you feel comfortable. And then you continue with
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: you know, increasing your range of movement, pushing past this
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: pain in a way where you're less fearful. And ironically,
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: the thing that initially is going to cause you more
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: pain is how you can work your way through it.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: It's a lot more complicated than how I've explained it,
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: and it's very case dependent. Every single patient is going
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: to respond to the treatment differently, but it has to
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: do with allowing movement through that because what's causing more
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: pain is the restriction of movement, and then it's actually
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: causing other problems in your body if you're not moving properly,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: especially when it comes to back pain. And then of
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: course this fear response. When you can reduce the fear response,
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: it actually helps reduce the symptoms of central sensitization.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: So if you think that.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: You might be one of these people where pain is
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: no longer protective but it's now become restrictive, then I
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: think it's important that you speak to your GP, get
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: a referral see if this is what you might be experiencing,
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: because there are ways to treat it, and while it's
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: not overnight, I have spoken to people friends of mine
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: as well, who have gone through that route and it's
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: completely cured them when you know they've had I've had
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: a friend who once.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Had a car accident and really badly injured her arm.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: Then she rehabbed it to perfection, but the pain was
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: still unbearable, and she ended up going to a neurologist
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: who ended up referring her and it came down to
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: central sensitization, and she had all this rehab through basically
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: rewiring how your brain is responding to this remembered pain,
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: working with neuroplasticity in that regard, and she was able
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: to basically eliminate the pain altogether going down that path.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: So I think it is really good for people to
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: be aware of this in case you think that you
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: might have it. Hopefully there's like hope for you there all.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: Right, good times. That is the brain.
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: Today.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: We are going into the topic of today's episode, which
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: is how to in capitals really stop caring about what
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: people think of you so that you can be more carefree.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Doesn't that sound good? Don't we want that? I think
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: we all do.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: Want that, And can I just say I think, for
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: the most part, on some level, most people care about
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: what other people think about them.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: That's just what I'm going to say to start with.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: I care, Okay.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: I just feel like through trial and error and practice
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: and repetition, I've learned to care a whole lot less,
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: and I've learned to minimize the time in which I
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: do allocate care or a care factor to what people
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: have said about me. Am I going to stand here
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: and hear and say that it never affects me what
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: people say about it about my work.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: That's a lie. Of course it does, but it does
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: not affect me nowhere near as much as it used to.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: It.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: Also, I can really compartmentalize it and isolate it. It's
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: quite I can bring it down to make it a
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: whole lot smaller, and I'm able to forget about it
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: so much quicker. And most importantly, it doesn't impact my behavior.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: In other words, I don't restrict myself from doing things,
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: and I don't think, oh, I could never do that
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: now because I'm scared because of what people will think
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: of me, and because of a fear of what they
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: will think of me. That's the most important part, And
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: if you can take anything away from this episode, it
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: is that it's I don't want you to alter your
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: behavior and play smaller or do less because you are
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: afraid of what people will think of you. If you
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: can at least overcome that, that's a huge win. Okay,
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: huge win, because at least you're still living according to
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: how you want to live your life.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: Now.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: It is worse for other people, for some people than
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: for others, that's for sure, and the reason for that
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: is very much based on your lived experience, on your upbringing,
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: on how you have responded to criticism in the past,
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: and also on the kinds of criticism you have received
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: in the past and how it's affected you in the past.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: If you have really intense memory of a time that
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: you were badly criticized and it affected you emotionally massively,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: then you're likely to be more reversive to criticism in
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: the future versus someone who has learnt to deal with
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: criticism at a really young age and never been dealt
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: like a massive blow that's affected them. So, of course
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: there's many factors that are going to influence how you
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: deal with criticism, and not necessarily even criticism, but with
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: what people think about you, even the fear of someone
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: talking about you behind your back where you don't even
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: know what's being said. Okay, now, so lived experience plays
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: a huge role in it. You might be thinking, yeah,
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: but my best friend's so care free, Why is it
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: that they don't care. You've got to understand that you
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: and your friend and everyone else around the world have
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: had a different you know, you've got a different makeup
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: to what makes you you on an emotional and on
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: an experience as and a memory standpoint.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Now, we all, like I said, most of us.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: Most people do care what people think to some degree,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: some more than others. And of course, like I've said before,
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: it comes down to survival because primitively, back in the
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: fucking day, we needed our community to like us. We
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: needed to be accepted by our community. We needed to
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: not be shunned by the group. And communities were smaller,
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: they were more you know, it's not like now where
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: you can just like catch a fucking flight to another
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: fucking country and find your people somewhere else.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Very different.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: In primitive days, it was kind of like what you got,
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: was it. So it was important to be accepted. So
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: this care to be loved by other people. This need
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: for validation from other people is legit. It's ingrained in us.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: It's not this made up concept by society in today's
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: day and age.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: It's there for a reason.
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: Okay, so we get that we are also additionally and
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: this is instinctively as well, but we are predisposed and
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: this is a generalization, mind you, because not everyone feels
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: this way, but in general, we are predisposed to be
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: more sexually attracted to charismatic, outgoing people. And this is
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: it's an instinct to go for these people because someone
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: who's outgoing, a charismatic.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Who's well liked, equals security.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: It equals that they have a safety in it, they
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: have a community that responds well to them, they have
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: their needs met. So it is a security and so
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: we are attracted to that. Okay, I'm talking on a
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: primitive level here. Not everyone is attracted to those people.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: You might be like, I.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Prefer a really chilled, fucking quiet kunt, and that's fine.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: In general, we find charisma and big personalities and confidence attractive.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: Who doesn't find confidence attractive? Now, which kind of leads me.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: To this whole idea of.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: You know, the whole idea of the nice guy finishes last, saying,
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: which I don't.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: Necessarily think is the case. I think the reason people.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: Say, oh, the nice guy finishes last, Firstly, I don't
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: think that's the truth, and secondly, I think that might
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: have come from a lot of the time. An asshole
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: is very like narcissists, assholes, you know, players. They are charismatic,
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: they're big energy, they're confident. Their energy is attractive, so
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: people are initially attracted to this person. Is every charismatic
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: person an asshole, not at all, but they're more likely
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: to attract the masses. And then it's easy for someone
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: who's quiet and timid but lovely to look at that
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: and being like, but they're an asshole, how are they
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: pulling everyone? It's because they have attractive traits. It doesn't
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: mean that people love them because they're a dickhead. People
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: love them because they have these charismatic traits that equal
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: security as far as they are safe because everybody loves them.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, again, this is.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: Down to a more like, you know, instinctive level of behaving.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: So due to all of that, we care about what
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: people think. If we want to be liked by everyone,
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: what does that mean, it means that we've got to
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: make sure that we are pleasing everyone in order for
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: them to like us. And this is what people pleasing
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: falls into that trap as well. So it is a
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: survival response. It is this innate response to care about
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: what people think. That is why you care. So it's
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: perfectly okay, it's perfectly normal. But having said that, like
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: so many other things, we as humans have well evolved
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: past a lot of this primitive way of behaving. We're
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: not primates anymore. So not having someone like you is
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: no longer life threatening, and we have to perceive it
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: that way. We also have to we all have to
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: realize that we have the resources to find our own people,
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: whereas back in the day maybe it was not that
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: EASi or wasn't possible. We can choose who we interact with.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: We also.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: Can find way to not let what people think of
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: us interfere with how we operate in our lives and
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: how our happiness unfolds, you know. So it's very different
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: to the past and how we operated back in the
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: fucking day. So while there's a reason for this huge
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: amount of care, we also have to understand that we
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: have our logic and we have our resources, so it
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: shouldn't be overbearing and over you know, all encompassing. Additionally,
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: you have to realize that in this day and age,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: we're also in a position where we can be criticized
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: way more than what was the norm back in the day. Okay,
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: way more than what the brain was designed for. We're
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: not equipped to be like criticized by the masses online.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: That's not normal, and that's why it can be so
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: debilitating for so many people. And right this so it's
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: very intense, and we weren't really designed to deal with that.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: Social media, all these things. You know, we've got ways
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: of interacting with people that's not just face to face,
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: and it's always going to expose you to more criticism
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: and open you up to more criticism. So now that
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: we know all of these things, hopefully you're able to
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: start to process criticism and what people think of you
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: with a more logic lens, being like, all right, I'm
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: aware that these feelings are normal. I'm aware that this
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: is where it's come from. I'm also aware that times
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: have changed. I can choose my people, and also I've
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: probably put myself in the firing line because I exist online,
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: whether I want to or not. I'm more so in
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: the firing line than what is natural. Okay, so it's normal,
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: But when should it be a concern? I think, like
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: I said at the start of the episode, it should
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: concern you when you when it's changing who you want
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: to be, like primary word want to be. I want
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: to do this with my life. I want to experience
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: this thing. However, I'm scared of what people are going
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: to think of me. I'm scared they're going to laugh.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: I'm scared that if I fail, I'll be an embarrassment.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: So I'm not going to do that. So it's changing
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: what to do around your wants. If you are stopping
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: doing something that you want to do because of your
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: fear of judgment, that's when it should be a concern.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: That's when you should be like, thing, an alarm's gone off,
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: I need to do something about this. I can't continue
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: living this way because I'm going to be unsatisfied with
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: the outcomes of a lot of the things that I
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: choose to do because they're not the things I want
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: to do. Also, when you stop doing something or when
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: you're kind of paralyzed and where you feel like, oh,
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: I feel like I don't know what I want to do,
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: and a lot of it comes down to I constantly
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: am thinking about will people like me?
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: Will this make me more likable? Will I be more accepted.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: If that's the main kind of compass as to why
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: you are stopping something or why you are indecisive, that's
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: when it should be cause for concern as well.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: Now let's talk about why it.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: Is that people judge, because I think once you understand
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: why people judge, there's four points that are going to cover,
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: it becomes a lot easier for the pressure to be
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: taken off your shoulders. For me, when someone's judged me
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: or said something critical and look, I'm pretty good with
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: constructive criticism. I'm pretty good with someone being like, hey,
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: just a heads up and then they give it to
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: me in a constructive, respectful manner.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty good with that shit.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: But when someone said something like stabby and hurtful and whatever,
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: I go through these four points pretty fucking quickly in
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: my head, bang bang my bang bang, and then I think, oh,
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: it doesn't affect me at all, or if it does,
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: way less. Because like most things, when I talk about
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: name it to TAMT, you're bringing your logical reasoning into
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: an emotional response.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: It's crucial.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: And when you do these four points, when you remind
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: yourself of these four points, I can guarantee you if
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: you haven't removed the discomfort with someone saying something mean
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: to you or judgmental, it will at the very least
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: reduce it significantly. So give these four things a go.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: Say these four things in your head when someone has
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: judged you said something behind your back, being critical, being
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: mean to you. Number one, remind yourself that people do
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: not fucking think about you as much as you think
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: they do. They think about you enough to talk about
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: you behind your back because it's entertaining. But then then
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: don't go home and continue.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: Brewing, brewing, brewing, brewing.
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: You are one tiny blip on their fucking radar, and
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: if it's entertaining enough, they will entertain the conversation. But
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: I can guarantee you their care factor is relatively low,
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: so they care enough if it's entertaining, because we love
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: to gossip, which that's the next point. But they will talk,
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: but it's doesn't really weigh on them that much. Like
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: they will say something to your face, they will write
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: a comment to you behind like as a keyboard warrior,
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: and they're probably not going to think about you again,
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: and if they do, it's probably because they were heightened
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: in the moment, and then once they're blow off steam,
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: they're onto the next thing. But you're living your life.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: These are decisions that impact your life, that you're making
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: for yourself, and if you're not going to do something
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: because of something that's a fleeting thought for somebody else,
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: that is very, very sad, and you have to remind
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: yourself of that all the time. This is temporary for them,
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: it's just a flash in the pan, but for me,
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: it's it's what I'm choosing to do with my decisions,
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: with where I'm going today, this week, this month, in
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: my life. Okay, So, even when someone engages in gossip
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: or even when they're judging you, then they just think
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: about you in that moment.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: They don't really care that much.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: And the reason being is they're probably judging a thousand
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: other people, and you can't be thinking about one thousand
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: people at the same time, and they're judging themselves too
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: a lot. Okay, the next thing is gossip is entertainment.
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: Even someone that likes you will probably struggle to hold
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: back from gossip, okay, because it's entertaining. Why is reality
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: TV so fucking popular? Because gossip is entertaining. People live
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: for the drama. I live for the drama. We're all
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: fucking lift for the drama. So it's even less personal
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: when you look at it that way. They want something
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: to talk about. They want substance to talk about, even
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: if it's shitty substance. Okay, entertainment sells, so if you've
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: given them something to talk about. So if I've given
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: someone something to talk about, all right, I'll eat that.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: I'll be like, all right, fine, I can talk about it.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: How long is it going to last? Not that long
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: because people get bored of something very fucking quickly, especially
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: if you're not adding fuel to the fire.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: It's more of a talking point.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: If you're trying to hide it, oh my god, oh
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: my god, oh my god, and you're trying to fight it.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: Resistant it is what it is. Let someone talk about it.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: It's out in daylight. It's not a secret, it's not
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: a scandal.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: Talk about how stupid you think I am for doing something,
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: and you know that's it. The third one is judgment
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: is comparison. Okay, so part of someone needing to feel good,
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: not always. Let's rephrase that when someone is feeling a
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: little bit insecure about themselves or very insecure about themselves,
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: the first thing they're likely going to do is compare
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: themselves to other people. That's what if the first things
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: you do when you feel insecure because insecurity, you're feeling
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: I need security. Okay, now you're this position of I
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: need security. What's going to make me feel secure? Well,
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: I need to look at what I'm working with, what
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: I'm fighting against. Who are the people around me? Why
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: am I feeling insecure? People performing better than me? Do
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: they look better than me? Are there more opportunities?
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: Am I? Do I feel threatened? Am I at risks?
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: So you weigh everything out, And while you're in this
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: process of weighing things up, you are pitching yourself against
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: other people. You are comparing yourself against other people. So
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: you want to reframe it and think, if someone's putting
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: me down, if someone's being critical, they are just very
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: likely trying to stay on top.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: They're trying to stay on top emotionally and be like
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: I am good enough.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: I've just highlighted that this person's flawed, and I don't
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: have that flaw, so I can just rest easy for now.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: That's what a lot of people do with insecurities.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: Is it fair? Is it kind?
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: We're not even going to get into that because you've
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: got to understand that people's minds are very complicated. I'm
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: not going to if I find out that someone's judged me,
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: but they're battling demons around their own insecurity, it kind
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: of makes me we're not even kind of I understand
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: it so much more. I really get where it's coming from.
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: Could they look at it more constructively? That's going to
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: make themselves feel better? Absolutely is comparison and is putting
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: someone down to make yourself better the way to actually
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: feel better?
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Not at all. But do I understand why people do it?
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah? And I think when you can look at someone
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: being like there's a big chance that they've lashed out
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: because they don't feel good about themselves and they're clutching
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: at opportunities to make themselves feel better, then it's no
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: longer this like, oh my god, they've put me down,
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: and it's true. It's more so they're trying to pacify
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: their feelings of insecurity. And that is a huge reason
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: why people will judge, criticize, bitch talk behind your back.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: Not always, but a lot of the time. That is
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: why people do what they do. They are comparing themselves
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: to you, even if it's in completely different leagues, even
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: if it's in completely different careers, even if everything's different,
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: they could be thinking, I wish I was a bit
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: more free to just express myself the way I wanted to.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: Even if your careers are different, then they're going to
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: put you down for deciding I'm going to change myself
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: brand overnight.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I'm going to start wearing a completely different style.
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: I want to express myself differently, And they'll be laughing
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: at you behind your back, being like, oh my god,
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: they think there's some fashion icon now.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: Loll whatever it is.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: They will laugh at the fact that you've decided to
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: quit your job and go for something with a much
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: lower paycheck. They will laugh at whatever. People will pick
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: anything to judge you on. This also happens if you
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: did something that actually was a scandal that people were like,
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: ah see, you are flawed.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: You had the affair, and now it's compublic say you're flawed.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: People no matter whether it's a scandal, whether it's something
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: that you're choosing to do personally, whether it whatever it is,
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: people will try and pick apart what you're doing so
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: they can feel better about themselves, and when they have
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: the opportunity to do so, they will take the opportunity. Okay,
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: whether it makes them evil, whether it doesn't, it doesn't matter.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: The point is that that is one of the reasons
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: why someone would behave that way. Okay, a lot of
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: the time they also do that, so the attention is
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: on you and not on them. If they feel that
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: they are quote unquote flawed, they will shine the light
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: on something else that's flawed in quotation marks. So that
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: way the attention the energy is going there, and their
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: energy is going there too, So they're less likely to
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: think about their problems and they're like, I'm not thinking
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: about your problems. And fourth, people are just in general
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: likely to judge something that's new.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: It's new. It's novel, it's a novelty.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: Whether they deem it as a threat or not, it's
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: something that they're going to be like, oh, I don't
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: know this, I don't like this.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Let's bitch about it, let's talk about it. That's ridiculous,
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: you know.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: That's why older generations always laugh at younger generations, are like,
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: what's this fucking shit that the younger generations are doing it?
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: Because it's new, it's novel, they're not used to it,
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: and they're not good at it. Okay, So that's just
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: you know, you always get every generation that's older will
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: always laugh at the younger generation until it becomes the
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: normal and then they use it. Look at Facebook now,
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: it's only used by the older generation who's using Facebook
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: these days unless you're in my Facebook group Love you
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: so much. I use it just for the group as well.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: But that's just an example. So you're always going to
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: get people that will. If they don't understand, they judge.
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: So when something's new, different, fresh, they're not understanding, they're
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: going to judge instead.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: So these are the four reasons.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: So every time someone judges, you just think, Look, they
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: either number one, they don't think about me as much
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: as I think they do. Number two gospl is entertainment.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: I've obviously given them entertainment, it's not personal. Number Three
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: judgment is comparison. They are insecure, likely possibly, and they're
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: comparing and pitting others against me so they can feel
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: a bit better about themselves at the moment, and number four,
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: people are likely to judge something new or different unfortunately.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: Now let's talk about seven ways to help you tackle it.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: Number one, like I mentioned earlier, name entertainment. Identify what's happening.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: If you sit here and you read negative comments, and
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: you read something that someone said to you, read a
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: text message that someone said, something said, someone said something
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: to you on the street.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: About your outfit or whatever.
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: Someone's put you down on the first podcast episode that
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: you put out. You only got three listeners to your
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: podcast episode, and you thought it'd be a lot more
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: than that. You're feeling down about yourself. Name the emotion.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: So you say, I am feeling right now insecure because
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: I have been judged because this person said this thing.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: Get specific, Get clear. This person said this thing and
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: it's made me feel this way. Okay, when you start
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: to name it, and I've spoken about this a thousand times,
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: but I'll remind you again, the logic part of your
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: brain intercepts the emotional pathways of the brain, and you
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: start to talk yourself down off the ledge. The stimulus
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: still exists, but perception is everything. How we perceive the
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: world determines how we experience our life.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: That's a whole that's a topic for a whole episode.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: That I'm going to probably do in the next few weeks.
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: How you perceive the world is literally how you're going
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: to experience your life, okay, and name it to tame.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: It helps you tweak how you're experiencing that situation in
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: the moment. You're bringing logic into it, and you'll be like,
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: all right, it's still happening, but it's not all consuming,
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: it's not taking over my world. My logic has come
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: in and it's like, all right, this thing's there, but
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: I'm not dying right now, and I'm able to name it,
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: get specific, departmentalize it into the much smaller category that
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: it is.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: Number two, think of those reasons that someone might be
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: judging you because the moment you think, okay, it's not. Actually,
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: for the most part, it's not that personal. It's this
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: person is expressing what's going on for them. They're in
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: need of entertainment, they're fearful, they're comparing, they're trying to
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: fit in, they're insecure, or they might just be an asshole.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: That's another possibility, but normally assholes are insecure so assholes.
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: So not all insecure people are assholes, but most assholes
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: are insecure. So it comes down to one of these
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: reasons around fear or a need for entertainment. Okay, So
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: when you remind yourself of that again, you're like, Okay,
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: I feel a little bit better again. I've named entertainment.
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: I've reminded myself before these reasons. Okay, I can breathe
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: it a little bit easier, it's less personal.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: The next thing, number three, ask yourself, can I live
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: with this? Can I live with with the people I
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: know laughing about this behind my back or talking about
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: what I'm doing behind my back? Yes, yes, I can
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: live with it because I understand now why it is
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: that they do it, and I also understand that it
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: doesn't even mean that they hate me.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it could be that they're jealous. Not always.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: People don't always talk about you behind your back because
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: they want what you have, But sometimes it is and
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: it doesn't, and a lot of the time it's a
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: reflection on how they're feeling about themselves in that moment.
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: So I know of people that will bitch about other
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: people knowing that they love the other person, knowing Okay,
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: it happens all the time.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: We've seen it. We've all seen it in our friendship groups.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: It happens.
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: So can you live with it? Of course you can,
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: especially understanding the why behind it. Number four, Remind yourself,
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: this does not last forever. This is temporary. This is
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: temporary for many reasons because, like I said, people take
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: a while to adapt to the new. This is not
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: going to be new forever. This change that I'm doing,
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: this decision that I'm making, this scandal that I'm involved in,
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: everything that I've done here is temporary because time is
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: a thing, and time will part, okay, and what is
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: new and the hottest topic right now won't be in
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: a week or in a month or however long. It
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: will dissipate. People will get over it, people will find
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: something else to talk about. So it's short lived. But
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: what's not short lived is your regret of not doing
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: what you actually wanted to do, if not making that
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: decision that served you in that moment. So if you're
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: like I wanted to actually follow this career, but I
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: was worried that people would laugh at me, or not
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: believe in me, or not think that I could do it,
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: So I didn't do it. You're comparing a long term
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: decision with a temporary feeling, and it's not fair that
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: don't weigh up. So you've got to say to yourself,
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: this won't last. This feeling of this judgment, it's not
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: going to last. Feels like it, but it won't. Okay,
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: And I'm the one that's got to live with myself
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: after these decisions are made based on how people think
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: of me, and can I live with that decision? Can
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: I live with this judgment? Can I live with my decision?
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: That's the more important question you also have to think about.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: I think this is in the same point discomfort, which
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: I've done so many episodes on, but you always have
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: to You can't escape discomfort, and when someone judges you,
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: this is another opportunity of choosing which discomfort you're going
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: to deal with. Am I going to deal with the
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: discomfort of some plab talking about me behind my back
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: right now and dealing with it and still following through
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: with what it is that I'm going to do, still
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: staying true to my decision to rebrand myself, to go
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: after that thing, to make that decision to leave that
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: person that I know I need to leave despite what
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: everyone says about me behind my back. Am I still
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: going to do that and have the discomfort of people
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: judging me now? Or am I going to please the
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: people around me when they don't really fucking think about
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: me outside of this hour, especially when I'm living to
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: please them, they're even thinking about me less because it's
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: not a scandal. So am I going to not suffer
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: that discomfort but then suffer the discomfort long term of
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: the lack of action or lack of decisions that I
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: chose to make for myself that now it's not serving me,
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: And now I'm looking back with the regret and the
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: discomfort of the regrets saying I wish I'd fucked off
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: all that feeling, all those feelings, and all those judgments
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: and done that thing anyway. Okay, Number four, you have
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: to weigh up the pros and cons all the time. Okay,
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: is this person liking me more important to me than
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: doing what matters for me in the long term? Or
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: is this person liking me more important than my own
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: self esteem? Because every time you turn your back on
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: yourself saying no, I won't do that thing that really
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: matters to me. No, I won't say that thing that
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: I need to say. No, I won't, No, I won't, No,
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: I won't, no, I won't. That affects your relationship with yourself.
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: You are telling yourself again and again and again, this
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: person's opinion of me, or decision about my actions or
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: where my life is headed is valued higher than my own.
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: And you do that once, and you do that ten times,
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: you do it one hundred times. How you feeling about
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: yourself after the hundredth of time. Probably not that confident, okay,
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: because everyone else's opinion you've put before your own. That
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: can be reversed, of course, but that's what it ends
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: up becoming.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: Number six, Give yourself a pep talk.
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: Just say to yourself when someone judges you, after you've
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: reminded yourself of all the shit why people do it,
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: name itentertainment, then you say.
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: What is this shit?
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: It is relatively useless, Okay, It's preventing me from doing
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: what I want to do. It's stopping me from changing,
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: It's causing me to live in fear, which then causes
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: more of the same.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: I'm not interested, not interested.
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: Next time this happens, next time someone judges you, laughs
• 38:26
  Speaker 2: at you, talks behind your back, Just say, what is
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: this shit?
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: I'm not interested. Okay.
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: If you're interested, then it's game over for you, So
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: remove the interest. It's like when someone says to you, oh,
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: do you know what someone and so said about you?
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: And people are like, yeah, what did they say about me? No,
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: you say, I don't want to know. I'm not interested,
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: not fucking interested. Okay, don't taint my mood, cunt, I'm
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: not interested. I don't If I start giving energy into
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: what someone said about me behind my back when their
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: intention was likely for me not to hear it in
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: the first place, what's that going to do to my mood?
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: Not good not good news. I don't need to know
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: that shit. The amount of shit that we don't need
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: to know. Perception is everything. Okay, If I don't need
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: to know what someone said about me behind my back,
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: it's a need to know basis, then I'm not going
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: to know. If you think, okay, well I really fucking
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: need to know because that I am married to this person,
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: and they go okay, yes, then say yes, I need
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: to know. But in general, for the most part, a
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: lot of the time, when people talk shit about other people,
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: it does not need to be heard by the person.
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, it just doesn't.
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: So if someone's offering up this information to me, unless
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: it's crucial, I'm likely not going to want to hear
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: about it, okay. And seven, last one, number seven, remind
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: yourself of why.
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: You are doing what you are doing. Okay.
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: Discomfort is everywhere, You're always going to feel it. Like
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: I said before, you got a weigh up, which discomfort
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: you're going to choose. But what's permanent and what's going
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: to make you feel good is your why for doing things,
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: for making decisions for yourself, for living on your own terms,
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: for having autonomy. Okay, And autonomy also comes from choosing
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: your decisions for yourself based on the people around you
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: and what they think is good for you. Because a
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: lot of the time people have a different agenda as
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: to why they think something's good for you versus what
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: you do. They're going to judge you based on their criteria,
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: not on your criteria. They're going to judge your actions
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: based on their criteria, not on yours. So it's important
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: that you remind yourself why am I doing what I
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: want to do? Why am I going to pursue this thing?
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: Because it aligns with what I want, it aligns with
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: my morals. It's what's going to help me grow, what's
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: going to make me feel good. And if I don't
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: do this thing, I'm going to sit here and regret,
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: which doesn't make me feel good. Remind yourself of this
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: often when you wake up in the morning, say why
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: am I doing what I'm doing?
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: For these reasons?
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: Because it makes it feel connected, makes it feel like
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: I'm growing, It makes it feel on my path. I
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: feel fucking good when I do it. I feel like,
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: you know, I could always keep having more when I
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: do this thing. That's why I'm doing it, Okay, And
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: when you remind yourself of that, it minimizes what other
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: people are saying and doing. It still exists, but again
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: because exception is everything that exists, but you've shrunken it
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: down to a little nub, and you've expanded on the
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: things that matter to you, like your why, like the
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: decisions that you're making, like your happiness, like your independence,
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: and all of the above. Okay, every time you stop
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: doing something that you want to do, or you mute
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: a part of who you are, you mute a part
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: of your personality for the sake of either fitting in more, which,
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: in a way, sometimes fitting in more can make you
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: more invisible a lot of the time, getting someone to
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: like you. You know, all of that ultimately will negatively
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: impact your confidence, and it's going to negatively impact yourself
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: self esteem, and then it makes you second guess yourself.
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: And when you second guess yourself, what do you do?
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: You seek opinions from other people, and then you get
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: really bad at figuring.
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: Out what it is that you want. You get really
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: good at ignoring yourself.
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: And then when people say, oh, listen to your heart,
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: listen to yourself, I don't know how to listen to myself.
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: I fuck don't know, because you haven't trusted yourself. And
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: it's starts bit by bit by bit. It starts by
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: trusting the small decisions and then trusting the bigger decisions.
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: I've got whole episodes on how to trust yourself, how
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: to get better at decision making, and.
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: All of that. Now, will you ever not care? Again?
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: The more you put all these things into practice, you
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: will reduce your level of care significantly. But you are
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: going to care about what the people, But the people
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: that you love and what they think about you doesn't
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: mean that it has to stop you from doing certain things. No,
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: But I care what my family thinks about me. I
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: care what tyrone thinks about me, what my best friends
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: think about me. And I use it as a compass
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: because I aligned with the people morally. So if I'm
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: doing something and my family was to pull me up
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: and say, hey, alexis we noticed this was happening, it
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: feels pretty cold, feels that you're being a bit like whatever.
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: If they thought that I was being really callous about
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: something or whatever, I would hear them about being like,
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: really is that I was coming across And I'd think
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: about it, and then I think, is this aligning with me?
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: Is it true?
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: Maybe I got distracted, maybe I did something that wasn't right.
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: Now I can tweak my behavior. So it's fine to
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: care about the people are who have your best interest
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: at hard.
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: And who you are aligned with on a moral standpoint.
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: That's perfectly normal and it's healthy.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: I don't think it's healthy to not give a flying
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: fuck about what anybody thinks about you, even the people
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: that love you. I think that would be callous exactly that,
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: it'd be callous. But care about that. But again, even
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: when you care about the people that have your best
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: interests at Hardy. It doesn't have to stop you from
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: doing it. You could be like, all right, I've considered
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: everything you've said. I appreciate you voicing that, but I've.
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: Still got to move to France. Okay, so still care?
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: So will it make you not care at all? I
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: don't think so.
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: This episode is not geared to not make you give
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: a shit about what anyone has to say about you.
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: It is geared for you to be able to deal
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: with those feelings in a very productive way and in
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: a way that you are able to still proceed and
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: still feel confident and happy with your decision without being
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: feeling crippled by people's judgment and gossip behind what it
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: is that you are doing. Hopefully this episode has helped
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: you deal with this feeling. I think we all deal
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: with it, and I'll be dead honest with you. I
• 44:06
  Speaker 2: think it comes in waves. I think depending how stressed
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: I am will determine how much I care what other
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: people think.
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: If I'm feeling overwhelmed.
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: Stressed, less balanced in my life, of course it's going
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: to target going to get to me more because I'm
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: less balanced. There's cracks in this You know, like in
• 44:20
  Speaker 2: this solid you know, confidence bubble that people have, it's
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: always in a state of flux. So it's something that
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: can always be worked done. And when you start feeling
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: better about yourself and you're feeling more confident in your abilities,
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: it affects you less and it comes in waves.
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: So you always got to remind yourself of this shit.
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: It's an ongoing process. Self esteem, self love, confidence, your
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: relationship with yourself is never ending in a good way.
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: It should always feel like it's a good thing.
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: Okay, that is.
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: All for today's episode. Hopefully you found it helpful. If
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: you want to send this episode to someone else, please
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: do so. Please also rate and review the podcast wherever
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: you listen to your podcast, because it significantly helps my
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: podcast to be more reachable for other people. And that's
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: obviously the aim is to reach as many people and
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: to help them better their relationship with themselves. And you
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: guys do fucking God's work in spreading my podcast, So
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: thank you.
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: Shout out to all the beans in the world.
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: Shout out to the beans, because I'm actually got to
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: be in London in like a week and a half,
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: so shout out to my London beans. I will see
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: you in fucking London. If I ever bump into a
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: London bean, I'll I'll be dying. And then I'm going
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: to Paris as well. I bump into a Parisian bean
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: like you guys have to you have to stop me
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: on the street, and if you see me, don't say
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: oh I saw you, like I'll be so upset.
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: I want to meet some European beans. That is all.
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: Love you guys so much. As always remember, be kind
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: to yourself, becumet to your brooin. Don't take shit from anyone,
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: and especially don't take shit from yourself.
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: Don't get
• 45:53
  Speaker 3: Listener