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Quick Lift: How to Be Liked and Respected at Work (Likeable Badass) · Loud & Lifted

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  Have you ever been told you're too nice and you
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  wanted to respond, thanks, I think? Welcome to
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  Allowed to Lift a Quick Lift, the under 10 minute
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  episode where we turn big insights into small,
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  repeatable moves you can actually use this week.
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  I'm your host, Betsy Ham. Today, I'm recapping
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  my conversation with Alison Fregilli, psychologist
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  and author of Likeable Badass. And we're focusing
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  on one core idea, being likeable, but also being
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  a badass. Let's get into it. First, let's start
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  with the definition. A likable badass is someone
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  who shows up with a blend of two essential traits,
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  capability and care. It's about being both assertive
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  and warm, demonstrating that you know what you're
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  doing, what you're good at, and that you genuinely
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  care about others. This combination of assertiveness
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  and warmth is powerful. It's the surest way to
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  earn respect from others. When people meet us,
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  they subconsciously assess two things, our ability
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  to get things done, and are concerned for others.
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  These judgments aren't random. They're based
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  on whether we can control our environment and
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  get results, and whether we care about more than
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  just ourselves. This blend is crucial for respect,
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  which opens doors to so many other good things
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  in life. So takeaway number one is the two -part
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  status equation of warmth and competence. Allison
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  breaks status down into two fast judgments people
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  make about you. Warmth. Are you a friend or are
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  you a fellow? And are your intentions good? And
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  two, confidence. Are you capable or not? And
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  can you deliver the results? And here's the magic.
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  When you consistently can signal both, people
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  don't just like you, they respect you. And when
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  you get respect, that becomes influence. So Alison
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  gave some examples of some of those warmth signals.
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  Maybe it's a genuine compliment. Maybe it's bringing
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  somebody into a conversation, a thoughtful check
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  -in, crediting someone publicly. She also talked
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  about some of those signals that are natural
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  to others and maybe not to some. For example,
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  smiling. She said sometimes when people meet
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  her or sees pictures of herself, she kind of
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  has like a scowl or I'm sure some people could
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  say they have an RBF. So you just smiling randomly
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  may not be the most authentic move. So figuring
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  out what are those cues that make sense to you
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  because we're all different that are comfortable
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  that signal warmth. So your quick lift this week
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  is to do those two things, right? Pick the one
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  signal that you're just going to turn up. And
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  again, the balance here is still being genuine
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  and authentic. Don't go around giving compliments
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  that you don't mean or smiling when you really
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  don't want to. But it's just being intentional
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  about those warmth signals and how you're interacting
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  with others and just crank it up a tiny bit.
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  So that's the first part with warmth. And then
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  the second part is those competence signals.
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  And how do you show competence again? Turn it
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  up a little bit. Think about a crisp point of
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  view. Have decisive language. Bring a solution,
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  not just a problem. And a lot of this is how
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  we talk and how we communicate. You can go back
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  and listen to Sarita's episode from last season
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  where we talked about that confidence and that
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  confidence that comes across with how you're
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  positioning your ideas and not being afraid to
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  speak up. So you're not changing who you are.
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  You're just being intentional about what your
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  audience can actually see. So one more signal
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  to focus on and one competent signal to focus
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  on in the coming week is takeaway number one.
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  Takeaway number two, power versus status. And
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  the title doesn't guarantee respect. So Alison
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  draws a clear line. Power equals control of resources.
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  Think about money, decisions, rewards, consequences.
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  That's what it means when you have power. status
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  is just being respected and valued by others,
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  no matter what your title is. You can have power
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  and still be the person nobody respects. And
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  I say that, and I'm sure many people come to
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  the top of your mind of someone who has power
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  or the title, but they don't have that status.
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  However, you can have status without a huge title
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  and still influence the room. So there's a balance.
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  And like one can be without the other. The ideal
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  would be to have both, of course. So the quick
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  lift move for this is is if you're going after
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  promotion, a raise, or just a bigger seat at
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  the table, Alison's point is to build status
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  first. If your audience doesn't value you, they're
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  less likely to hand you that power. So they ask,
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  what signals would make them value you more?
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  Is it the warmth, the competence, or both? Then
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  act accordingly. Take away number three. what
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  you're too nice really means, and the fix is
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  adding, not subtracting. So this is a big myth
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  buster. When people say you're too nice, they
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  usually don't mean could you be less kind and
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  be cruel. Nobody's asking for that. What this
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  typically means is I'm not seeing enough of competence
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  or confidence or results from you So the fix
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  is not to become colder or again to be mean the
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  fix is adding more confidence signals without
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  subtracting warmth Allison literally frames this
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  as adding not subtracting and you know This is
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  one that really hits home for me not that I was
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  ever told I was too nice, but I have seen countless
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  women in my career who have been Legit too nice
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  and it wasn't because they didn't have the competence
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  they knew what they were doing they were good
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  at their jobs but they were so afraid to make
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  a decision to be accountable to give their opinion
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  and they have the ability to be competent but
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  they weren't. showing it. They weren't acting
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  on it. So they would never want to make a decision.
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  They were afraid to give their opinion. They
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  couched every conversation that they had as,
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  I'm not sure. I don't know. This is dumb. Again,
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  going back to the negative language and they
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  had that reputation of, oh, they're just so nice.
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  This person's so nice. They're so nice. They're
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  too nice. They're too nice. And again, lovely
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  women, lovely people, but they needed to show
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  their competence more. Takeaway number four was
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  around self -promotion and the brag and thank.
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  And Allison explains why self -promotion is hard,
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  but we need to do it because it boosts confidence.
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  but it can also threaten your warmth. And this
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  goes back to many conversations we've had around
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  image and building your personal brand and exposure.
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  And this is something that a lot of women struggle
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  with, but it goes back to the fact that we need
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  to be able to promote ourselves. This is how
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  we're going to continue to be successful, get
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  promotions, get more opportunities. So her fix
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  for this is if you feel uncomfortable promoting
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  yourself or even taking credit, do a dual promotion.
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  And she calls this the brag and think. credit,
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  and you also share the credit. And I think this
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  is great because so often at work we're working
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  on projects that took multiple people, different
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  teams. Very seldom something is completely independent.
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  It's a team effort a lot of times, right? So
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  let's take the credit, but then also thank others.
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  So her example was, I'm really proud of the results
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  we drove. Conversions increased and timelines
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  improved. Huge thanks to Kristen and Aaron for
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  their partnership to make it happen. So I'm saying
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  I'm really proud we drove results, but I'm also
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  thanking my other team members who helped me
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  get this project done. So you signaled confidence,
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  I delivered impact, and I was signaling warmth.
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  I value others and I recognize contributions.
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  And the other piece of this is just don't self
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  -deprecate. Again, we need to be comfortable
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  with self -promotion. And so we don't have to
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  act shy about it or deflect or completely give
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  credit to somebody else. Take the credit that
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  you deserve and also thank the others who were
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  part of it. The quick lift move here is use a
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  brag and thanks once this week. Maybe it's a
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  weekly update to your boss, a project recap email,
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  a meeting shout out, a LinkedIn post, whatever
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  it is. I am sure you can find one thing that
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  you can put out there that you've been part of
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  and contributed to show your confidence, but
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  then also thank others. The last takeaway was
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  around tough conversations and thinking past,
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  present, and future signals. Allison's reframe
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  is gold. A difficult conversation is not just
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  that moment. It's on a relationship timeline.
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  So we'll start with the present and in the moment.
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  And if you have to have that tough conversation
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  with someone on your team, you need to show that
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  you care and that you're right. and that you're
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  informed. The past part of that is building respect
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  before you need to have that conversation. So
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  when tough conversations happen, you already
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  have that relationship built. You have that confidence
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  between each other that you have everyone's right
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  intentions in place. And you can have that conversation,
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  hopefully a little bit easier. And then you think
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  about the future because sometimes you're going
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  to have a tough conversation and it's just not
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  going to go well. Maybe you came across too harsh.
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  Maybe you didn't come across harsh enough, but
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  you're human. These things are going to happen
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  and you can repair that with future signals.
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  So say you have a tough conversation with someone
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  on your team after that happens in the coming
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  weeks doesn't have to be 24 hours later. Think
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  about how you can show your support, your feedback,
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  your opportunities, your acknowledgement. It's
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  just a blip on a timeline and you have to figure
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  out how to move on. But this is where I think
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  a lot of women struggle because they don't want
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  to have the tough conversations because they
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  like the person they want to be likable. But
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  those tough conversations have to happen. Because
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  if you do ignore them, or you don't have them,
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  or you're too nice during the conversation, you're
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  going to start to lose respect from those around
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  you. So have the tough conversation, but do it
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  in a caring way. But make sure you're getting
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  your point across. So the quick lift move here
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  is before the next tough conversation that you
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  have to have planned for it, write two lines.
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  How will you show that you care? Then how are
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  you also going to show that you're clear and
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  confident? And again, this is a balance. This
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  is something that I certainly have struggled
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  with where I did care about the person and it
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  was one blip in time, but I needed to get a point
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  across. And I know there was times where I was
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  too nice and I didn't come across harsh enough
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  with my point. But then there's also times that
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  maybe I came across too harsh. So it's a balance.
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  It's a fine line. You have to be really intentional.
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  And I think The best way to do this is to practice.
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  And maybe it's a conversation that you should
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  have had. And now you're sitting here thinking
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  about, wow, a couple of weeks ago I really should
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  have had that conversation with that person.
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  And you didn't. So go back and do that exercise.
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  Do it in your head. Do it in the car. Write it
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  down. But go through those steps of what you
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  should have said. Because if you continue to
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  practice this, it just becomes easier. So here's
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  your quick list summary. Status is built when
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  people experience you as warm and capable. And
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  move as usual. usually adding, not subtracting.
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  Be intentional about building relationships and
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  caring about others authentically, but also ensure
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  you're getting shit done and doing what you say
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  you will. If this hit home, share it with a friend
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  who's trying to be respected without turning
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  into someone she doesn't recognize. And if you
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  want more Allison, start at her website and the
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  newsletter The Upper Hand. We'll link everything
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  in the show notes. Thanks for listening to Loud
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  and Lifted. Until next time, stay loud, be likable,
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  and don't forget to be a badass. you