Latest / Intentional Guy / DIVORCE, NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR
Transcript
- Michael Chestnut: Right now, in the seat next to you at church, someone is dying inside. Not from cancer, not from an accident, but from a marriage that has been dead for years and no one knows. She smiled at you in the lobby. He even shook your hand and said, We're blessed. But then forty five minutes later, they're driving home in total silence, wondering how much longer they can fake it. This isn't rare. In fact, this is more common than you realize. And if we don't talk about it, it stays hidden until it's too late. Welcome back to the Intentional Guy Podcast. I'm Michael Chestnut. Today we're talking about something the church doesn't say out loud enough: the fear of divorce, the isolation of a dying marriage, and the shame that keeps good people silent. Here's the truth. We don't know what the person next to us at church is carrying. The weight of a failed marriage. Or a marriage that's failing right now, that weight is heavy enough to pull a Christian man or woman into complete isolation. And when you add embarrassment and shame to the mix, you don't know where to turn. You don't know who to trust. And I've been part of churches where people loved gossip more than they loved grace. And that's real. And I'm not going to pretend it's not. But that's not the norm. Especially not in a Christ center church. Today we're going straight at this using the celebrate recovery framework, the hurt, the hangups, the habits. We're going to talk about what's actually driving this in a marriage, who a safe person actually looks like, and two honest paths forward, whether that's healing or a marriage that's beyond repair. Let's start here. Every Sunday, church is full of performances. Not because people are fake, but because people are scared. Scared that if the real story gets out, the arguments, the silence, the separate bedrooms, the divorced papers sitting in a drawer, they'll lose their standing, their small group, their reputation, maybe even their friendships. So they smile. They shake hands, they say we're blessed, and they go home to a marriage that is quietly falling apart. Here's what I need you to hear. If that's you, you are not alone. Somebody just a few seats away from you at church is most likely going through the same double life you are. The fear of divorce doesn't just come from losing a spouse, it comes from losing your identity. Your community, And that fear will keep you silent longer than the marriage probably itself could ever. Think about how much energy it takes to hide something like this. Managing your face at church, managing the small talk, managing what kids see, what your parents ask, what your small group assumes. That's not living, that's performing. And performing a marriage is exhausting in a way that almost nobody talks about from the stage. So let's name it plainly. If you're doing this right now, you're not weak, you're not a failure, you're just tired. And you are never meant to carry this weight alone. Galatians chapter six, verse two says, carry each other's burden. And in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. That verse was never meant to describe strangers. It was meant to describe the person sitting next to you. let's talk honestly about why we're even having this conversation. There are more reasons people get divorced today than any generation before has ever had to deal with. And somewhere along the way, marriage stopped being treated like a covenant. It started being treated like a pair of shoes. If it doesn't fit, If it's uncomfortable, if something new catches your eye, you trade it in. That's the culture. That is not the covenant God designed. But here's what I need you to understand. If you've never walked through this, a divorce is not a small wound. It's one of the closest things to death you can experience while you're still breathing. Think about what's actually being said when a marriage ends. Someone you built a life with is telling you they no longer want to be with you. That is not just a loss. That is rejection at the deepest level a human being can feel. And I want to speak directly to that specific kind of pain right now. I'm not talking about a marriage that ended because of adultery. I'm not talking about abuse. I'm talking about the marriage where the spouse looked at you and said, I just don't love you anymore. No affair, no betrayal. You just are pointed at and told, I just don't want to be with you anymore. That kind of rejection is uniquely brutal because there's nothing to fight, no behavior to change, and no apology to demand. Just the quiet, devastating message underneath it. I'm not worth fighting for. If that's you right now, I want you to hear me say this clearly. That message is a lie. Your worth was never determined whether one person chose to stay. It was determined the day God made you. But knowing that in your head and feeling that in your chest are two different things. And that gap is where a lot of people quietly fall apart. If you've been around Celebrate Recovery, you know this language hurt hang upshabits. Let's apply it directly to a struggling marriage. First, the hurt. Betrayal, neglect, feeling like an afterthought in your own home. Old wounds from childhood that never healed, and now they're replaying themselves in your marriage, whether you realize it or not. Second, the hangups. Pride that refuse to ask for help, fear of being that couple everyone whispers about, control, codependency, the need to look like you have it together even when you don't. And then third, the habits. Avoidance, stonewalling, silence used as a weapon, using busyness, even ministry work as a way to dodge your own marriage, and for some of us, an addiction. Pornography, alcohol, spending, something that becomes an exit ramp from real intimacy. I know I lived that one. That's in my book, Exposed. A hidden habit doesn't just hurt you, it isolates you from the one person who's supposed to be closest to you. Here's the pattern. Hurts create hangups. Hang-ups create habits, and habits create distance. And distance when left alone long enough starts to look like the end. So ask yourself honestly Is there a hurt in your story you've never dealt with that keeps showing up as anger or shutdown in your marriage? Is there a hang up, pride, control, the fear of looking weak that keeps you from asking for help until now? Is there a habit? A scroll, a drink, a distraction that quietly becomes easier than facing your spouse? You don't have to have the answer out loud right now, but you do have to answer it honestly, because the couple who makes it are not the couples without hurts, hangups, and habits. They're the couple who stopped hiding theirs. Ephesians chapter four. Verse thirty two tells us to be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ God forgave you. That's not just a verse for how you treat strangers. That's the standard for how you treat the person across the dinner table. I told you at the top, I've sat in churches where gossip moved faster than grace, where a struggling couple became a conversation topic instead of a prayer request. If that's been your experience, first off, I'm sorry. And I'm not going to tell you it didn't happen. It did. And it was wrong. But hear me, that is not what a Christ-centered church is supposed to be. And in most healthy churches, It is not the norm. The body of Christ was never meant to be an audience watching you fail. It was meant to be a hospital for people who are hurting. So if your church has burdened you, that's a wound worth naming. But don't let that one experience, that one bad experience, convince you that every church, every leader, every believer will treat your marriage as well. like entertainment. Because the right people in the right church will not gossip about your marriage. They'll get on their knees for it. So who do you actually turn to? What does a safe person actually look like? A safe person has three marks. One, confidentiality without an agenda. They're not collecting your story to use later. Two, they've done their own work. A safe person has either walked through their own repair or is far enough in recovery that they won't just pat you on the back. Third, they tell you the truth and not just comfort you. A safe person cares more about your restoration than your comfort in the moment. That might be a celebration recovery sponsor, a small group you trust, a licensed Christian counselor, and it should also be your local church minister. Here's how to actually use that relationship well. Go to your pastor or minister early, before the crisis point, not after the papers are filed. Most ministers would rather walk with you through the hard middle than only meet you at the end. Be specific about your need. Don't just say pray for my marriage. Say here's what's actually happening. And here's where I'm stuck. Vague requests get vague. responses. Ask directly whether your church has or can point you to marriage counselor, a celebrate recovery group, or a referral to a licensed Christian counselor. Most ministers are not trained marriage therapists, and a good one will tell you that and get you to someone who is. Giving them permission to be honest with you, even when it's uncomfortable, a good minister will speak truth in love. Not just tell you what you want to hear. And keep coming back. One meeting doesn't repair a marriage. Healthy pastoral care is a relationship over time, not a single conversation. Your minister can't fix your marriage for you, but they can walk beside you while you and your spouse do the work, One more thing on this. Don't wait for the Sunday morning hallway conversation to bring this up. That is not good timing. Call the church during the week and ask for a private meeting. But say plainly, I need to talk about my marriage and I need it to stay confidential. That tells them this is serious without telling them everything on the phone. A minister who takes his world serious will honor that. And if for some reason you don't feel safe with the person you've gone to, that doesn't mean the church failed you. It means you go to the next safe person. Keep looking until you find one because God has prepared someone for this moment. Safe people do exist. Sometimes you have to be willing to ask more than once. James chapter 5, verse 16 says. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. Healing was never designed to happen in isolation. It was designed to happen in confession, in community, out loud with someone you trust. Now, let me speak to a different person listening right now. Maybe you're not the one going through the divorce. Maybe you're the one sitting next to them, your friend, your brother in Christ, someone in a small group whose spouse just said they don't love them anymore. Here's the pressure you're going to feel. The pressure to fix it. Let me take that pressure off of you right now. It is not your job to fix them. there are no magic words that heal a wound that deep. None. Not from you, not from me, not from the most elegant pastor you know. Only God can heal that kind of pain. Your job was never to be their healer. Your job is to be present. We call that the ministry of presence. And it is one of the most underrated forms of ministry there is. Here's what usually happens instead. Silence feels uncomfortable. So we rush to feel it. And what comes out is something like everything happens for a reason. God just preparing you for something better. Or, well, at least you didn't have kids together. And every one of those land like a slap. Even when it's meant well. You see, Job's friends in the old testament actually got this right for seven days. Job chapter two, verse thirteen says, They sat with him on the ground for seven days and nights, and no one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. Seven days of silence. That was ministry. It only fell short. The moment they opened their mouths and started explaining the pain to him. so if you're sitting next to someone in this right now, here's what actually helps. Show up without an agenda. Just sit with them. Let the silence be okay. You can say, I don't have the words for this. But I'm not going anywhere. That sentence alone will do more than a paragraph of advice. Bring a mill instead of a theology lecture. Text thinking about you today instead of a Bible verse with no context. And when they do talk, don't rush to explain it. Don't rush to defend God. Or don't rush to find a silver lining. Just listen. Presence over answers, nearness over noise. That's the ministry most people hurting are actually asking for. Now let's talk about the question underneath all of this. Is this marriage worth fighting for? I want to be honest with you because this podcast doesn't do soft answers. Scripture is clear that God takes the marriage covenant seriously. It is not something to walk away from over normal conflict, normal seasons of disconnection, or normal hard years. Jesus said it plainly in Matthew chapter 19 verse 6. So they no longer are two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. And in Malachi chapter two, verse 16, God says through the prophet, I hate divorce, not the divorce person, the covenant being broken. Outside of adultery or abuse. God's desire is for a husband and wife to do the work, to pursue the healing, to fight for the covenant, to rebuild rather than walk away. That's not me being harsh. That's the weight scripture puts on this covenant. Most marriages that feel beyond repair are not actually beyond repair. They are simply beyond what the couple has already tried. I want to push back gently on something our culture tells us: that if a marriage feels hard, that's evidence it was the wrong marriage. Scripture does not support that. Every marriage, including mine, goes through seasons that feel unsurvivable. The question was never. Does this feel easy? The question is, are we still willing to do the work? So path one is reconciliation. And for most marriage, that is the path God is calling you to walk, even when it is hard. But I also want to be honest about path two. In case of adultery or abuse, physical, emotional, or sexual. Safety and integrity have to come first. Scripture makes room for that. If you are in a situation like that, please don't hear anything in this episode as pressure to stay somewhere unsafe. In those situations, the healthiest next step is not just prayer. It's getting a safe person and a professional involved immediately. So hear both sides of this clearly. if your marriage is hard, but not those things, God's desire is for you to fight for it, not walk away from it. And if you are in danger or your spouse has broken the covenant through unfaithfulness, get safe, get support, and let wise counsel help you walk. The next step. Either way, you were never meant to carry this decision alone. If you landed on path one, you've decided you're going to fight for this marriage. Let's be practical about what that actually takes. It's not just deciding to stay. Plenty of couples stay together and never actually heal. They just stop talking about the problem. Real reconciliation usually requires four things. First, a third party. Not a friend who will take either one of your side, but a trained counselor, a pastor, or maybe someone from Celebrate Recovery that will hold both of you accountable, not just one of you. Second, honesty before comfort. That means naming the actual hurt, hang up, or habit out loud in front of someone, instead of managing it quietly for another five years. Third time, real healing after real damage does not happen in one conversation, one weekend retreat, or one apology. Give it months, give it years. Stop expecting a sermon length timeline for a decade-long wound. Fourth, small repeated actions. Not a grand gesture, a daily choice to show up. Tell the truth. And stay in the room instead of walking out of it. Here's what I've observed, watching couples over and over go through this: is that the couples who make it are not the ones with the fewest problems. They're the ones who brought it into light with safe people on purpose. First Corinthians 13 tells us: love always protects, always trusts. Always hopes, always persevere. That's not just a wedding day verse. That's a rebuilding verse. Read it again on your hardest days, not just on the happiest ones. if you want to know whether God actually understands a broken marriage, read the book of Hosea. God tells the prophet Hosea to marry a woman named Gomer, knowing she will be unfaithful to him, and she was. Gomer walked away. She chased after other men, she left the covenant behind. Here's what she stopped to call in your tracks. God tells Hosea To go get her back. Hosea chapter three, verse one. The Lord said to Hosea, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is in love by another and is an adulteress. Hosea found her. He paid a price to bring her home. He restored her, not because she earned it, but because that was the picture God wanted the whole nation of Israel to see. Hosea's marriage became a living illustration of God's relentless pursuit of his own unfaithful people. Now hear me clearly. I'm not telling every listener to go reenact Hosea's exact story. Scripture still makes room for safety and for boundaries in case of ongoing unfaithfulness or abuse. And we talked about that honestly a few minutes ago. But what Hosea shows us is this restoration after real betrayal is not just possible in Scripture. It's one of the clearest pictures of God's own heart in the entire Bible. don't tell me your marriage is too far gone for him to work in it as well. I've told the pieces of this before, but let me share it one more time. There was a season in my own life where isolation nearly cost me everything. I was hiding something, carrying shame I didn't think anyone would understand. And the loneliest part wasn't the struggle itself. It was believing I was the only one who had ever struggled like this. The turning point wasn't a sermon. or a self-help book. The turning point was one person, one safe person who looked me in the eye and didn't flinch. That's what a godly friend did for me. That's what my wife and I had to rebuild was the presence of someone sitting alongside of us while we did the work. There were seasons where I didn't know if we'd make it. Seasons where trust had to be rebuilt one small, boring, faithful day at a time. Nobody tells you that restoration mostly looks unremarkable. It's not one big dramatic moment. It's showing up again and again, every day, day after day. If you're isolating right now, I've been there, and I'm telling you. The way out starts with one honest conversation. Ephesians chapter four verses nine through ten says two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them fall short, one can help the other, but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. You are not designed to fall alone, and you were not designed to fight for your marriage alone either. So here's the challenge this week. Name one safe person. Not someone who will gossip. Someone who will get on their knees with you. Send a text before you go to bed tonight. Can we get coffee? I need to talk to you about my marriage. That's it. That's the whole step. You don't have to solve everything today. You just have to stop carrying it alone. If this episode hit home, you don't have to walk through it by yourself. Let's get coffee. Let me be your brother. Let me walk beside you.