Latest / Heavyweight / The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 2

Transcript

The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 2 · Heavyweight

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Alex
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: wants to see you in the studio. Regretful choice is
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: making my dogs sweat? Make my dogs sweating, My bare,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: sweaty dogs was enough to get my dogs sending a
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: gentle arc of dog sweat across the studio. At the
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: exact moment that Alex Bloomberg walks through the door, from
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: the tip of his nose, Alex Bloomberg wipes away a
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: bead of what he must imagine is chanelle number five.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: But it is not Chanelle number five. It is instead
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: a bead of foot sweat from toe number five, the
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: great toe. I can tell from his hecto millionaire scowl
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: that Alex Bloomberg is not feeling overly chuffed. What's up, man,
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Bloomberg says, suctuating his request for information about what is
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: quote up? Our loud, intimidating slurps from his Hambucha energy drink, panicking,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I toss my shoes and socks into a waste paper
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: basket in the corner of the room. Then I hide
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: my nude, glistening dogs under the table, just chilling out,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: I assure my voice stuttering, cracking and screeching. Would that
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: I could be in front of my editing equipment, I'd
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: smooth out my words with EQ knobs and splicing levers.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: But alas I'm operating in real time, my least favorite
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: of times. Things are happening at the speed of life
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: and it's making me nauseous. So I just wanted to
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: check in about how the new season of Heavyweight is
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: coming along. Bloomberg says, we've sold all the advertising space,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: and the sales team is getting nervous. I'm told you're
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: not responding to any of their snapchat inquiries. It's coming
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: along riduculously amazing. I say ridunculously amaze balls, I mean
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: cool mode, Bloomberg says, When can I get a little
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: taste the normally ruthless Bloomberg is acting coy. He's been
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: asking me for months to play him what I've been
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: working on, but because I have nothing, each time I
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: put him off, always with some kind of diversion, stepping
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: into a garbage can, feigning a heart attack, having a
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: real heart attack, feigning a heart attack so hard it
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: becomes a real heart attack. But this time I decide
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: to man up, nay, to person up. Oh, just putting
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: the finishing touches to the pilot episode. I lie, let's
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: have a listening party in a week, Bloomberg says. We
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: can listen while eating healthy treats, and I add drinking
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Miller High Life. Extending a pinky, Bloomberg says, pinky swear tentatively,
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: I extend the tip of my pinky. Bloomberg touches its
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: nub with the tip of his pinky nub. Bloomberg's plump
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: pinky nub feels like a wedge of peeled tangerine. Pinky
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: swears are sacred, Bloomberg says, with what sounds like a
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: touch of menace totally. I say, swallowing hard. As we
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: rise from our seats and exit the studio, I pray
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: that Bloomberg does not cast as gaze downward and spy
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: my feet barefoot in along. Each of us sets forth
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: in the direction of the bathroom. For Bloomberg this means
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: the executive bathroom, the kind of comfort station one might
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: refer to as the facilities, And for me, this means
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: the public bathroom, where everyone from Timothy Nelson to the
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: FedEx delivery man voids their bowels with exuberance. Once there
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: I make myself comfy on the countertop, soaking my barefoot
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: dogs in a sink full of tap water. I pray
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: to God Timothy Nelson doesn't burst in and start making
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: small talk about decibels and frequencies and why in the
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: world I'm washing my feet there are crumbs between my toes.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: I might say, that's cool. Timothy Nelson might respond, is it?
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I might fire back, is it really? My tone will
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: be testy, of course, because like most I don't like
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: interruptions when soaping down my dogs in public. And as
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: for Bloomberg, I imagine he's in his bathroom, eating a
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: charcoal broiled, garlic rubbed steak and drinking a goblet filled
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: with two bottles of Miller High Life, while seated atop
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: a dynamically warm toilet seat and staring thoughtfully out a
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: floor to ceiling window as the pale sun sets over
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: the Brooklyn skyline, while vigorously paper toweling my dogs and
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: imagining just how beautiful smelling the executive lavatory must be,
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: how luxuriant and free of charge its beard unctions, and
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: how juicy the bowlful of expertly melonbald honeydew. Cold hard
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: reality sets in Blomberg is expecting to hear some of
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: the new season, and I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: present him with. This has been chapter two of the
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Heavyweight Diaries. With any luck, the new season of Heavyweight
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: will begin on September twenty sixth. Until then, you can
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: chart our progress each week with a new Diary update.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: And remember the best place to listen to Heavyweight is
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: on Spotify. The second best place to listen to Heavyweight
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: is on the sound system in Alex's tricked out Camaro.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Heavyweight is me Jonathan Goldstein along with Jorgeos, Stevie Lane,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Khalila Holt, and b A. Parker. This episode was mixed
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: by Emma Munger, music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: is Vivaldi's Spring performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: We'll have a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week.