Latest / Parent support Circle Podcast / Help, My Kid Wants to Disappear: Talking to Your Tween About Puberty & Body Odor
Transcript
- CURTIS: Alright, so — quick question before we even get started today. Has your child ever looked at you with the energy of someone who has just witnessed their own social funeral... because you said the word "deodorant" out loud? [ Pause for effect. ] RH: Ha! Oh, I've been there. My son once acted like I'd suggested we go on national television together. I simply asked if he'd used soap. That's it. Soap. CURTIS: Just — soap. RH: Just soap, Curtis. The basics. And the look on his face — I mean, you would have thought I'd asked him to recite poetry in front of his entire school. [ Both laugh. ] CURTIS: Welcome back to the Parent Support Circle Podcast, everybody. I'm your host Curtis, and with me as always is RH — dad, co-host, and certified survivor of raising kids through the puberty years. RH, how are you doing today? RH: I'm wonderful, Curtis. My kids are grown, they shower voluntarily, and I no longer have to remind anyone to use deodorant. Life is genuinely good on this side. CURTIS: Goals. Absolute goals. Today we're diving into something that a lot of parents message us about — and I mean a LOT — and that's how to handle it when your tween or teen is embarrassed about puberty. The body changes, the body odor, the whole messy, beautiful, awkward package. We've got stories, we've got practical tips, and RH's got lived experience that I think is going to be genuinely reassuring for newer parents out there. RH: And a few things I wish someone had told me. Including the deodorant incident. CURTIS: We will get to the deodorant incident. Stay tuned, everyone. [02:00] SEGMENT 1 — WHY IS MY KID SO EMBARRASSED? [ Tone shifts slightly — still warm but more informative. Music bed very low underneath. ] CURTIS: So let's start at the beginning, RH. Because I think a lot of parents — especially parents of younger tweens — see their kid shut down or get upset and they genuinely don't know if something's wrong. Like, is this a big deal? Is my kid okay? Or is this just... Tuesday? RH: It is very much just Tuesday. Look, I've got two kids — a son and a daughter — and both of them went through that phase where their body started changing and they acted like it was a personal betrayal. Like their body had gone rogue without asking permission. CURTIS: Which, honestly, is kind of what's happening. RH: It literally is! And when you're eleven or twelve, you don't have the emotional vocabulary to process that. You just feel different, you feel visible in a way you weren't before, and your brain is running this constant loop of 'is everyone staring at me?' And the answer your brain keeps giving you is yes. Always yes. CURTIS: Psychologists actually have a name for that — the 'imaginary audience.' That feeling that every single person in the room is watching you and judging you at all times. RH: And the brutal part is, at that age? Sometimes people ARE watching. Kids can be mean. That's just the reality. CURTIS: So what did you notice first with your own kids? Like what were the signs that something was going on? RH: With my son it was the sport bag. He'd come home from football practice and just... leave the bag. By the door. Sealed. Like it was a biological hazard. Which, to be fair, it was. But he was also avoiding the showers at school because he didn't want anyone to see his body changing. CURTIS: Oh, that's such a common one. RH: And with my daughter it was the opposite — she started showering three times a day and using half a bottle of body spray before school. And I thought, okay, something's going on here. She's either discovered hygiene in a very intense way or she's embarrassed about something. CURTIS: And it was the second one. RH: She'd had a comment made at school. Nothing terrible — just one of those offhand things kids say that lands like a grenade. And she was mortified. Completely mortified. CURTIS: And how did you handle that? RH: Badly, at first. My instinct was to march into that school and have words. But my wife — wisely — suggested I sit down, close my mouth, and just listen to my daughter first. [ Curtis laughs. ] CURTIS: Wise woman. RH: Genuinely the smarter person in our marriage. So I sat with her, and I just let her talk. And then I told her something happened to me at her age. Something embarrassing. And I watched her whole face change. CURTIS: Because suddenly she's not alone. RH: Exactly. She went from 'I am the most embarrassed person alive' to 'oh wait, even my dad had awkward moments.' And somehow that helped more than anything else I could have said. [06:00] SEGMENT 2 — HOW TO ACTUALLY HAVE THE CONVERSATION [ Slightly more animated — this is the practical meat of the episode. ] CURTIS: Okay so let's talk tactics, because I know parents listening right now are thinking — okay great, I need to talk to my kid, but HOW? Because every time I try, they either roll their eyes or leave the room. RH: Right. And here's the thing — if you sit your kid down formally, like 'we need to have a talk,' they are already gone. Mentally, they are in another country. CURTIS: The dreaded 'we need to talk.' RH: The four words that make any age human want to fake their own death. No. You want side-by-side moments. Driving somewhere. Making food. Watching a show. Something where you're not face-to-face, because face-to-face feels like an interrogation. CURTIS: That's such good advice. There's actually research behind that — adolescents open up more in side-by-side situations because there's less direct social pressure. RH: See, I didn't know the research. I just figured it out by getting it wrong a few times first. [ Both laugh. ] CURTIS: Trial and error parenting — the only kind. RH: The only kind. So my approach eventually became — drop it in casually. Like, 'Hey, now that you're getting bigger, might be time to grab some deodorant — totally normal, everyone uses it.' That's it. No big moment. No dramatic pause. Just matter-of-fact. CURTIS: And the tone you use is everything, right? Because if you're anxious about it, they feel that. RH: Oh, they feel everything. Kids are like little emotional radar systems. If you come in all nervous and serious, they think something is wrong with them. But if you're calm and casual, they pick that up too. CURTIS: So basically channel your most unbothered energy. RH: Exactly. Be the chill parent you always wished you were. [ Curtis laughs. ] CURTIS: Aspirational. Now, what about actually sharing your own stories? Because you mentioned that with your daughter — is that a strategy you used a lot? RH: All the time. And look, you don't have to have some big dramatic embarrassing story. Even just — 'Yeah, I had to figure all this out too and it felt weird at first but honestly it's just part of growing up' — that goes a long way. You're normalising it. You're saying: this is not unique to you. Every human on earth has navigated this. CURTIS: And every human has survived it. RH: Every single one. Some more gracefully than others. I was not in the graceful category. [ Both laugh. ] CURTIS: Okay — practical toolkit time. Because beyond the conversation, there's also just... the actual stuff they need to know. Hygiene basics that kids genuinely might not have figured out yet. RH: Right, because sometimes what looks like an emotional problem is also just a practical gap. My son genuinely did not know that you had to reapply deodorant after sport. I assumed he knew. He did not know. Nobody told him. CURTIS: That is such a dad moment. RH: Complete dad moment. I assumed he was absorbing this information from somewhere. He was not. And the result was... pungent. [ Curtis laughs hard. ] CURTIS: So the basics — daily shower or wash, especially after sport. Deodorant in the morning and after gym. Clean clothes every day — including fresh socks, people, fresh socks are not optional. And if you can, let your kid pick their own products. RH: That one made a huge difference. I took my son to the shop and I said — pick what you want. And he came back with this wild cedar-something deodorant that smells like a forest after rain, and honestly? He used it every single day without being reminded. Because it was his choice. CURTIS: Ownership. That's such a smart move. RH: Plus our bathroom smelled amazing for about a year. [10:30] SEGMENT 3 — WHEN ANOTHER KID SAYS SOMETHING UNKIND [ Tone becomes slightly more serious — but never heavy. RH leads with empathy. ] CURTIS: Now let's talk about what is probably the hardest version of this scenario — which is when the embarrassment isn't just internal. When another kid has said something. Because that's a different animal entirely. RH: It really is. Because now it's not just your child processing their own feelings about their body — they've had someone else make it a public moment. And that stings in a completely different way. CURTIS: What's your advice for parents in that situation? RH: First — and this is the one I had to learn the hard way — do not skip straight to problem-solving. Your first instinct as a parent is to fix it. Give them tips, make a plan, explain what to say next time. And all of that has its place. But your child doesn't need a strategy in the first thirty seconds. They need to feel heard. CURTIS: Validate before you fix. RH: Validate, full stop. 'That sounds really awful. I would have felt embarrassed too. I'm sorry that happened.' Just sit there with them in it for a minute. Let them feel that you get it. CURTIS: And then you can move to the practical stuff. RH: And then — gently — you can share your own story. Which, as we established, I always had one ready. I was not a cool teenager. I was very much a 'trying hard but not quite landing it' teenager. So the material was there. [ Curtis laughs. ] CURTIS: Relatable content. RH: Very relatable. But also there's something really powerful about a parent saying 'this happened to me and I got through it.' Because kids at that age genuinely think they are uniquely cursed. And you are living proof that they are not. CURTIS: You survived puberty. Exhibit A. RH: Exhibit A, still standing, no longer smelling like a football bag. There is hope. [ Both laugh. ] CURTIS: One thing I'd add here — and this came from a great conversation I had with a pediatrician — is if your child is getting really distressed about this stuff. Like avoiding school, withdrawing from friends, showing real signs of anxiety — that's worth a conversation with a doctor. Because sometimes it's just normal awkwardness, but sometimes kids need a little extra support. RH: And there's absolutely no shame in that. My daughter saw a school counselor for a few sessions when things got tough and it made a real difference. Just having someone outside the family to talk to. CURTIS: Really important point. Know when to bring in backup. [13:30] SEGMENT 4 — KEEPING THE CONVERSATION GOING [ Energy picks back up — lighter tone. This is the 'you've got this' section. ] CURTIS: Okay, final big point before we wrap up — and this is something I really want people to take away — puberty is not a one-time conversation. This isn't a box you tick and move on from. RH: Oh, absolutely not. It unfolds over years. And your kid changes throughout those years — what they need at eleven is different from what they need at fourteen. CURTIS: How did you keep the dialogue open over time with your kids? RH: Honestly? I kept my door open and my mouth mostly closed. I let them set the pace. I didn't force check-ins. But I also made sure they knew — consistently, over time — that they could come to me. And I tried to make it low pressure. No big reactions when they told me things. Just listening. CURTIS: Because if you have one big overreaction, they stop telling you things. RH: They stop immediately. My son once told me something mildly embarrassing had happened at school and I made the mistake of going 'oh NO' very dramatically, and he just — I watched him close like a book. Never made that mistake again. [ Curtis laughs. ] CURTIS: The 'oh NO' face. Do not make the 'oh NO' face. RH: Control your face. That is parenting advice I was not given and should have been. CURTIS: I'm putting that on a mug. 'Control your face.' RH: Please. I'll take ten. [ Both laugh. ] CURTIS: But seriously — the through-line here is just consistency. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have all the answers. You just have to keep showing up. Keep the door open. Keep the tone calm and loving. And remind your kids — again and again — that there is nothing about what's happening with their bodies that is wrong or shameful. RH: And if you mess up a conversation? You can go back. You can say 'hey, I think I handled that badly and I want to try again.' Kids respect that more than you'd think. They don't need perfect parents. They need present ones. CURTIS: That is beautifully said, RH. RH: I've had years to workshop it. [16:00] RAPID FIRE — ONE PIECE OF ADVICE [ Lighter, quicker pace — almost like a game. Fun energy. ] CURTIS: Okay before we go — rapid fire. RH, if you could go back and give yourself one piece of advice before your kids hit puberty, what would it be? RH: Buy good deodorant and buy it early. Don't wait until there's a problem. Just have it in the bathroom. Normalise it before it becomes a thing. CURTIS: Proactive parenting. Love it. Best thing you did right? RH: The car conversations. Every single time. Drop something casual on a drive. You will be amazed what comes back. CURTIS: Worst thing you did? RH: Made the 'oh NO' face. We've covered this. [ Both laugh. ] CURTIS: Funniest puberty-related parenting moment — go. RH: Okay. So my son — bless him — had discovered deodorant, right? Great. Excellent. But he had also concluded that more is better. And I walked into the bathroom one morning and I genuinely could not see across the room. It looked like a nightclub in there. The entire can, Curtis. In one morning. [ Curtis losing it laughing. ] CURTIS: He went full nightclub. RH: Full nightclub at seven in the morning. My eyes were watering. My wife came in and thought there was a gas leak. CURTIS: That is incredible. There's a lesson in there about moderation that I think a lot of us can relate to. RH: One to two sprays, not the whole can. Pass it on. [17:15] OUTRO [ Warm, wrap-up energy. Outro music begins low underneath and builds gently. ] CURTIS: Alright everyone — that is a wrap on today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. If this conversation resonated with you, please do share it with another parent who might need it — because trust me, there are a lot of us out here just trying to get through the deodorant stage. RH: And surviving. We are surviving. CURTIS: We are absolutely surviving. A huge thank you to RH as always — you are a legend and this show would be a lot less funny without you. RH: Happy to be here. It's either this or talking to my grown kids about why they don't call enough. So truly, thank you. [ Both laugh. ] CURTIS: If you want more resources — including the full blog post we based this episode on, plus loads more practical parenting guides — head over to www.parentsupportcircle.com. You can also join our community there — a really wonderful group of parents sharing real stories, no judgment, just support. RH: Good people. I've read some of those posts. Really good people. CURTIS: The best. We'll see you next week, everyone. Until then — keep the door open, control your face, and maybe check the bathroom after your kid gets ready in the morning. RH: Just a precaution. CURTIS: Just a precaution. Take care, everyone. [ Outro music swells to full. Episode ends. ] Show Notes Copy (for podcast platform & website) Episode Title: "Help, My Kid Wants to Disappear: Talking to Your Tween About Puberty & Body Odour" Episode Description: Your tween came home from school looking like the floor swallowed them whole. Sound familiar? In this episode, Curtis and co-host RH — dad of grown-up kids and veteran of the puberty years — talk honestly (and hilariously) about what to do when your child is embarrassed about body changes and body odour. From the imaginary audience effect to car-ride conversations, deodorant strategy, and the legendary 'whole can incident,' this one is packed with warmth, laughs, and practical advice you can actually use. In This Episode: • Why puberty embarrassment is completely normal — and what the 'imaginary audience' effect means for your tween • The side-by-side conversation technique that actually works (and why 'we need to talk' never does) • How sharing your own awkward stories can be the most powerful thing you say • Practical hygiene basics to go over with your kids — and why letting them choose their own products matters • What to do when another kid says something unkind • When to involve a doctor or school counselor • RH's 'whole can of deodorant' incident — possibly the funniest thing we've ever heard Resources Mentioned: Full blog post: parentsupportcircle.com Join the community: www.parentsupportcircle.com Parent Support Circle Podcast · parentsupportcircle.com