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Live with Kristine Carlson & The Joy Jolt · The Joy Jolt Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Georgia podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Natalie Ledwell.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Susan Leahy.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm Christine Carlson.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: We're doing a threesome today.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um,
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Christine Carlson,
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: who is a very,
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: very good friend of ours,
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: um,
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: who also is here on Substack with us.
• 0:21
  Um,
• 0:21
  and she is,
• 0:23
  uh,
• 0:24
  at Christine Carlson,
• 0:25
  which is where you can find her on Substack.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh,
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason we have her here,
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: not just because she's friends of ours,
• 0:31
  but because she's going through very similar things in life
• 0:35
  that we all are at the
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: moment.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Looking at this next chapter and figuring stuff out on the fly.
• 0:42
  You know,
• 0:43
  look,
• 0:44
  it is a new chapter and who am I becoming at this time of my
• 0:47
  life?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, what does that look like?
• 0:51
  Well,
• 0:51
  what was so funny,
• 0:52
  Nat,
• 0:52
  is as you're saying,
• 0:53
  we're all figuring it out.
• 0:54
  All three of us kind of looked at each other and realized this
• 0:56
  is kind of our first
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: live doing it like this.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so we are just figuring it out.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what's so much fun about this, right?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about knowing how to do it.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's about jumping in and letting yourself do it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: On all levels, we're trying to figure it out.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: So, Christine, I want to start by asking you,
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: you know, like I said, we're in this new chapter.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: What is this new chapter for you?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like where have you come from and,
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: stepping into this new version of yourself and your life,
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: what does that look like for you?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: Well,
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: I think like you said,
• 1:37
  we're all in so many ways because of technology and because of
• 1:42
  the fast moving pace
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: of life these days,
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: we're all stepping in
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: in a new way and,
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: trying to figure out like,
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: how does this AI,
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: for example,
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: work with our business model?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: How do we reinvent and pivot and turn,
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: toward ways that,
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_02: not to turn away from it,
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: but to figure out how to use it and also still maintain our authenticity.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_02: So there's the business side of things.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: And then for me, the personal part of my life,
• 2:14
  you know,
• 2:15
  I went through a huge life change,
• 2:17
  um,
• 2:17
  nearly 20 years ago now.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_02: So I would have to say that during,
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: when I lost my beloved husband 20 years ago,
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: it was a huge reinvention,
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: just a complete annihilation of the life I knew.
• 2:31
  And then stepping onto a very new path for myself as,
• 2:36
  you know,
• 2:37
  a single mother,
• 2:38
  as the,
• 2:40
  um,
• 2:40
  the person that was taking over our brand that don't sweat the
• 2:43
  small stuff book
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: series and,
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: and really stepping into this whole new,
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 2:49
  at that time it was the whole new social media stuff that we
• 2:52
  all had to grow and,
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: and,
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: and learn and do all that.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: So,
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: but,
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: but,
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: 20 years later,
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: I mean,
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: now I would have to say it's it's I'm very settled in who I am today.
• 3:02
  Well,
• 3:03
  I have recently invited a man to live in my house for the first
• 3:08
  time.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's a reinvention that I'm going through.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's the situation.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's a reinvention.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't lived with anybody like that for 20 years.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: So it's a, that's a different, you know, that's a different experience.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: So they'll have to say it's going very well.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_02: We know each other very, very well.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_02: It's, it was, it's been an 18 year dating relationship.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: So, so it wasn't like a new, it wasn't like this new thing, you know?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: We dated for 18 years.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: But it's still a big change.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's a huge change.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Move in together.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's still a monumental change.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: So, yeah, yeah, it's a big, big change.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: But I think because we're, you know, we are so familiar with each other.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't wasn't like it's not new,
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: new,
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: but but it's new to live together permanently.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: So,
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: I mean,
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: I am in that place and I,
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: I think that if I was going to give any tips and tools for anyone,
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: who's going through large change and transition,
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: I would say first year,
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: try and just be really gentle and compassionate with yourself.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: You know,
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: like if you've,
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: you're going through a huge career change or,
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: like Natalie,
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: you just said,
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: you're going through a big change,
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 4:27
  be more compassionate and gentle with yourself and take that
• 4:30
  time to really focus
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: on yourself.
• 4:33
  Because when we've,
• 4:34
  you know,
• 4:35
  gone through like a change in relationship or a change in
• 4:38
  career,
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: you know, that is our moment.
• 4:41
  It's like a moment in time that we get to just say,
• 4:45
  wow,
• 4:45
  what is it that I need now?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: What is it that I want?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: What is it that is in my heart's deepest desire?
• 4:52
  And I think the inquiry that you go through is the most
• 4:55
  important part of the
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: reinvention is like kind of reacquainting yourself with yourself,
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: and don't you think?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I,
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: as I shared with you before we started recording today,
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: I ended a six year relationship and I was living with him.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: And,
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: and,
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 5:18
  obviously there were things that were leading up to that for me
• 5:20
  to make that
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: decision,
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: but it throws your life in disarray.
• 5:24
  You know,
• 5:25
  it's like,
• 5:25
  I'm like,
• 5:26
  Oh my God,
• 5:26
  now I have to figure out where am I going to live?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: What am I going to do?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, um,
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: So,
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: but living with another person,
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was single for 10 years and then,
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: and,
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: and then I met him and then we,
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: we tried the living together thing and it's such a major adjustment.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like,
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 5:44
  there's so many things that you need to compromise on the way
• 5:47
  that you do things,
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: the way that you communicate with each other,
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: the time that you give to each other.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like what are some of the adjustments that you have,
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: that you felt like you've gone through to be able to
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: will create space to be able to live with someone.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well,
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean,
• 6:04
  the first thing was I like I had to clean out like I had two
• 6:07
  massively overstuffed
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: walk in closets that I completely enjoy.
• 6:13
  One of them had all my beautiful purses and my hoochie mama
• 6:19
  boots and shoes and all
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: my really stuff I never wear anymore.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I'm like in a flannel shirt.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_02: This is my uniform now.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_02: So it's like, and so making space in my home for him was the first step.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: And
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_02: And that, you know, that, that was a lot.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: It was, it was cleaning out a whole side of bathroom.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: I mean,
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: I still found Richard's nose tweezers in there,
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_02: it's like,
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: like I hadn't even cleaned out that side of the bathroom.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: So I, you know, I had to clean out all of that.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: I had to clean out that space in the closet.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: I had to make room, you know, he's a cook.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: And so I had to make room for his kitchen stuff and,
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: So that, that was the first level.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: And then the next thing I realized is,
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: wow,
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: I can't just be like this,
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: this kind of closet slob anymore.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like I need to like, I'm living somebody.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_02: I can't, it's not just my space to throw my stuff around anymore.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like I don't, I couldn't do that when I was married to Richard.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: And I,
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'm typically I'm,
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: I'm more like a clean up my closet one time a week or clean up my chair.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: Like I have always had a chair, even when I was a teenager.
• 7:30
  It was a chair that just piled up until the end of the week and
• 7:33
  then it all got put away.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: And that's kind of how I live.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: You know,
• 7:37
  typically I'll throw my stuff on the floor in the bathroom and
• 7:40
  then I just,
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: I dress out of the bathroom floor.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's on the chair.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not dirty.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: The underwear go in the dirty clothes.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's on the chair, it's still there.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: The jammies and the things that I just,
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to grab,
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: I just grab her in the bathroom floor,
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: and I just realized,
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: wow,
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: I can't really,
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: I shouldn't do that anymore because it's not fair,
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 8:04
  to sharing space with somebody to have them live with my sense
• 8:08
  of clutter,
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: which I can live with easily might not be his,
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: his best.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: So I knew that already.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: So it,
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: and then that made me feel better too,
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: though,
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: because there was a part of me,
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: I have really tidy friends and sometimes I travel with them and I,
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_02: and my closet is my,
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: my suitcase is like that mess,
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: mess suitcase.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: And they're all like folding everything up really neatly every day.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, Oh God, shit.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: I wish I was like that.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: Put on your chair.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know,
• 8:40
  something that I'm listening to that I think is interesting in
• 8:43
  all of this
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: conversation,
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: which spans 20 years,
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: is that we as human beings get jolted throughout our life.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: When your husband died, it was a jolt, right?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's a jolt to the nervous system.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: When you had to step into a new phase of your career, it's a jolt.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: When your relationship ended, it's a jolt.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Someone moving in, it's a jolt.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: We get jolted all the time.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that we're almost used to the hard jolts,
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: the negative jolts,
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: the things that really rock our world.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like that leave us like, oh,
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what we're really advocating with what we're talking about,
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: and I love what you started to talk about,
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: was you said,
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I have to go back into myself and I have to ask myself some questions.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it's that sense of like,
• 9:27
  how do I have to give myself those almost self-induced joy
• 9:32
  jolts in all of the
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: other types of jolts that our poor little bodies,
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: minds,
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: and spirits endure through this wonderful,
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: wacky,
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: experience of being a human being.
• 9:43
  So I'd love to go back to what you were talking about with
• 9:46
  respects to going into yourself.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: How do you do that?
• 9:49
  What are some of the things that you do to remove yourself from
• 9:52
  the noise and
• 9:53
  really kind of give yourself kind of your own personal joy
• 9:57
  jolts so that you can
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: get yourself back on track?
• 10:01
  Well,
• 10:01
  you know,
• 10:02
  I,
• 10:02
  I would say that,
• 10:03
  um,
• 10:04
  getting back to joy is really its own journey.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: You know, that, that,
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_02: I think what you have to realize,
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_02: whether,
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_02: whatever kind of loss you're going through,
• 10:14
  you have to realize that you're going to have a range of
• 10:18
  emotions that you go
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: through.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: And,
• 10:21
  but you don't want to also cut yourself off from joy because
• 10:25
  there's also joy
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: present in grief.
• 10:29
  And,
• 10:30
  you know,
• 10:31
  it's really,
• 10:31
  I think what it goes back to is if you can learn to live
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: really presently with yourself.
• 10:39
  And I think it's hard because if you go through what you're
• 10:42
  calling a jolt or it
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: shakes your soul.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: And so it does shake your nervous system up.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: And there is a time where you're just surviving.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Again, you're just really just getting through each day.
• 10:55
  But if you can honor that time and also allow yourself to feel
• 11:02
  the feelings that
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_02: you have without denying them,
• 11:06
  Because one of the dangers of always seeking happiness or joy
• 11:10
  is that you have to
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: kind of go through the journey to get there on a daily basis,
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: right?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_02: But if you allow yourself your sad moments,
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_02: it's like what Kahil Gibran says in The Prophet,
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: that your joy is your greatest sorrow unmasked.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that's sometimes why we are living in a joyless world,
• 11:39
  because we're living in a world where people aren't really
• 11:41
  feeling all the feels.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they aren't.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they're denying themselves.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's scary.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's scary.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's scary.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: It's scary to really embrace your anger.
• 11:53
  Sometimes it can be scary because you feel out of control or it
• 11:56
  feels very,
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: very scary to acknowledge depression because,
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_02: people think that they're going to sink in it.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: You know, they're in the swamp versus in the light.
• 12:06
  And so I think that you have to honor that there's this,
• 12:10
  you know,
• 12:11
  journey.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_02: And the best way back to the journey of joy is to
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: ask yourself every day, you know, what excites me?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what can I find today that makes me excited?
• 12:23
  Because excitement is kind of that edge,
• 12:26
  right,
• 12:26
  to finding a little bit of happiness,
• 12:29
  I think.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's like there's that piece of you that gathers up enthusiasm,
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_02: and enthusiasm to me feels very much like joy.
• 12:38
  And then,
• 12:40
  you know,
• 12:40
  it doesn't really,
• 12:41
  then you kind of are in this place where,
• 12:43
  you know,
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_02: after you allow yourself that time to heal and your journey back to joy,
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: it's not like you're happy every day,
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: but I don't know about you,
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: but I'm pretty joyful when I'm drinking my coffee in the morning.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_02: That's a big joy.
• 12:57
  This is important that you say this because not every day is it
• 13:01
  going to be,
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: oh,
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: joy is,
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: me traveling and being with my girlfriends.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, sometimes it could just be going for a walk.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: Or enjoying a cup of coffee, you know.
• 13:13
  It could be something simple because when you are feeling
• 13:17
  low-frequency emotions,
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like to call them bad,
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: but I go if they're low-frequency,
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: you're not expected to go from that to joy directly.
• 13:25
  But you can go from that to feeling neutral or feeling okay or
• 13:31
  just having a moment
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: where you're – because,
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of people now,
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: we're numbing ourselves out because,
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: oh,
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: my God,
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: the world is a lot right now.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_02: It is a lot.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: Take Easter morning, for example.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: So,
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: but when you,
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: when we numb out to,
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: to wanting to feeling alarmed or,
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: anxious or whatever,
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: we're also numbing out the good emotions.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: It does.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: You don't just pick and choose.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, you know, and everything.
• 14:07
  So giving yourself permission and creating the space to allow
• 14:11
  yourself to feel all the feels.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: But know that because I understand that,
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: when I get depressed,
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: like I don't want to get sucked into that vortex.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't know if I'll be able to get myself back out again.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 14:25
  And finding the need and the necessity and then having the
• 14:28
  courage to really hold
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: the space for that conversation.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking about it this morning.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I woke up.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've been sick as a dog for the past.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm surprised I'm here.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm surprised too.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy too.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I mean,
• 14:43
  I was really sick and this morning and it takes you to the dark
• 14:48
  night of the soul
• 14:48
  when you're really laying in that bed with a fever and your
• 14:51
  head is gripped with a
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: headache and you are just with yourself in a really uncomfortable way.
• 14:57
  And and when you start getting better,
• 15:00
  that process is you start,
• 15:02
  I think,
• 15:02
  processing.
• 15:04
  And we have a palapa in my backyard that my husband and I
• 15:07
  usually have our really
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: joyful cup of coffee in every morning.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: But boy, oh boy, this morning wasn't as joyful as it was.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: But but I'll tell you that conversation that we were having,
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: which felt uncomfortable,
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: was me struggling
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: to be more committed to having more joy.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's that sense of,
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: even in the uncomfortable conversations,
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: honoring that there is such an important place.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of times women aren't given
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: given the space, the trust, the honor.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it is,
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: but it's like,
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: oh,
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: if we're having an uncomfortable conversation,
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: it's,
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: oh,
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: you're crazy.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're nagging.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're, you know what?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: No, you're not.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're struggling for greater joy.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:56
  What if your discomfort and your pain and honoring it and
• 15:59
  talking about is where is
• 16:02
  the jumping off point so that you can get back to that
• 16:05
  frequency that's always
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: available to you?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: But in greater quantity.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I think I, you know, I was feeling that this morning.
• 16:13
  I just feel this huge amount of gratitude that I was able to
• 16:17
  sit under that palapa,
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: which is usually we call it the happy palapa,
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: drinking our coffee.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: But today it was really we were kind of confronting some issues.
• 16:27
  But I saw it as a conversation for joy,
• 16:29
  even though it was really uncomfortable.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's part of the journey that Christine was saying.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, huge.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: The journey to get there.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: So,
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: Christine,
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: with your,
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: with this big life decision and inviting someone into your home,
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: like I'm imagining that it's not joyful every moment of every day.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like how do you navigate, you know, the compromises and the rubs?
• 16:52
  Because,
• 16:52
  you know,
• 16:53
  I know with me,
• 16:54
  like Bert and I would do things very differently,
• 16:56
  you
• 16:58
  It was like I had to kind of release a lot of,
• 17:00
  you know,
• 17:01
  that's how he does it and that's okay.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: But at your house you do this and in my house I do this.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: But, you know, how have you been feeling about all of that?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I think that's kind of where Don't Sweat the Small Stuff comes in.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now you really understand why that book exists.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_02: I think the whole thing about like also,
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_02: you learn this,
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_02: raising your kids,
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_02: choosing your battles is really like an important
• 17:29
  so i i have very few things so i happen to be a very easy going
• 17:33
  person but i do
• 17:34
  have i have a couple of house rules one is i don't like shoes
• 17:38
  in the house you know
• 17:39
  i just i feel like shoes they're like it's like bringing bottom
• 17:43
  feeders in your
• 17:44
  house you know it's like it's like your shoes go everywhere and
• 17:47
  there's every kind
• 17:48
  of dirt on the bottom of your shoes why would you walk in your
• 17:52
  house into your
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_02: clean floors and with your shoes on you know to me that's just like a big
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_02: I always take my shoes off when I enter somebody else's house,
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: whether they have that rule or not.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_02: And I have that rule.
• 18:04
  So I did notice a few times I had to ask him,
• 18:07
  it'd be so funny if he shows up on the slide.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_02: It'd be so funny.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: But anyways, a few times I had to ask him.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: Example in real time.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Example in real time.
• 18:18
  Because the other thing is I don't,
• 18:20
  I don't,
• 18:20
  I've never wanted to be a nag.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_02: I don't like to nag.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not,
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not,
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_02: I wouldn't say I'm totally conflict averse,
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_02: but I don't really like a lot of conflict.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_02: Like I'm just, I'm really, I like a really peaceful home.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_02: I like everything to just kind of roll.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't,
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: I don't,
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_02: if it was stressful or not peaceful having him there,
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: I wouldn't invite him there.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: It would just, it's super important to me.
• 18:47
  that my environment and my home is sacred and and it's a sacred
• 18:51
  space it's like a
• 18:52
  healing space almost so i just i just really careful you know
• 18:56
  about what kind of
• 18:57
  energy and and everything and so that's one thing so i had to
• 19:00
  ask him a couple
• 19:02
  times to take his shoes off and then i finally what i said was
• 19:06
  because about the
• 19:07
  third time i said hey um i just want to talk to you about
• 19:10
  something and he was like
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_02: okay and i'm like so
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be a nag and I won't nag you.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just going to tell you that right now.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_02: But if you don't,
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_02: if you can't honor the few things that I've asked you to do,
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to notice every time that you have your shoes on,
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to notice,
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_02: but I'm not going to say anything.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: But if I don't say anything to you, it's going to build up.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: He's a really smart guy.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_02: It's going to build up in me.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: It's going to build up in me.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_02: And I know that,
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_02: but I'm not going to nag you about it,
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: but just know that I'll know when you're wearing your shoes.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll also know when you're not and it's going to turn me on.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_02: So you know what?
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_02: He started really taking his shoes off after I put it to him that way.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: And I do notice that when I'm
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_02: When there is something that I need to talk with them about,
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_02: if I'm really gentle and I come at it from a very,
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: like there's this kind of sweet,
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_02: firm,
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_02: but soft space that I find in myself,
• 20:18
  if I speak from that place and I'm not attacking and I'm not
• 20:23
  mad and I'm not...
• 20:24
  and i just say hey you know i i really need to talk to you
• 20:28
  about this it's
• 20:29
  something that really like like you say he says something his
• 20:33
  tone like it's
• 20:34
  something that really hurt my feelings when you said it and the
• 20:38
  reason why is this
• 20:40
  now what i do which is different probably than some people is i
• 20:44
  actually don't i
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_02: don't react in the moment very often
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_02: If I do,
• 20:50
  you must have really stepped on my toes because I'm like the
• 20:52
  kind of girl,
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_02: if you step on my toes once,
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_02: I go,
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: ouch,
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: get off my toes.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: If you step on my toes twice, I'm like, get the fuck off my toes.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: Are you a foot person?
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_02: No, but that's the kind of how I am.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_02: But I do notice with a partnership, tone really matters.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I learned this in my marriage too.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_02: That if you come at it from a very soft place,
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_02: not an attacking place,
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_02: the reaction is usually going to be a lot better and a lot more.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_02: Like they're going to kind of meet you more where you are.
• 21:27
  And I think men are just in general,
• 21:29
  they're kind of soft squeezes that way.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_02: You know,
• 21:31
  like you can really work with them in that capacity of just
• 21:35
  coming at it from a
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: very soft place instead of this attacking.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I think what I like about what you said is that you –
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: position this conversation as a, this is an important conversation.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Bert and I used to call it a pineapple conversation.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like,
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: we had to do something that like,
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: this is important and I really need you to hear me on this.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know,
• 21:58
  I need you to listen to me with a thousand percent attention
• 22:02
  because this is,
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: this is an important thing.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: So when you pre-frame it like that, you know, I think that really helps.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: And you're right.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: You've got to stay regulated and,
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: And you're talking about the behavior.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're not attacking the person.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:17
  Because I think about that shoe thing and he probably has 50
• 22:21
  years of conditioning
• 22:23
  of walking into houses with shoes and the loving act of
• 22:26
  kindness to be like,
• 22:28
  I love you so much that I'm working to rewrite that pattern is
• 22:32
  really a beautiful
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: expression of every time he walks in his house and takes off those shoes,
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'd hear,
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's so true.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I did tell him he could put his slippers,
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: slippers there and wear his house slippers,
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: because they go outside.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: So a lot of times,
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_02: you know,
• 22:50
  you just keep your house slippers by the front door and you can
• 22:52
  just slip those on.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_02: And it's just like wearing shoes in the house.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_02: So, yeah.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then I,
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: going back to don't sweat the small stuff,
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: what,
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: what then happens is then the small stuff can become playful.
• 23:04
  And then the small stuff that could have been the tripwires in
• 23:08
  your relationship
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: can be what really turns on the
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: joy.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my husband and I, we had a thing about the dishwasher.
• 23:16
  That'll be for another podcast because my God,
• 23:18
  the dishwasher and relationships sucks the joy.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I'll tell you, I love that we had a similar conversation and I
• 23:26
  had the wherewithal to employ what you're talking about with
• 23:29
  the tone and my god
• 23:31
  thank god because now the dishwasher is a is a fun playful
• 23:36
  place for us rather than
• 23:38
  a space of confrontation or or disconnect and so yeah i think
• 23:43
  that you know that
• 23:44
  that doorway into your home is now a a loving act of kindness
• 23:48
  and and it's all
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: because of really how you chose to deliver the message yeah
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: What a lovely way to end our podcast today.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: On that very delicious, high, joyful note.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are listening to us on a platform that is not Substack,
• 24:07
  we encourage you to come over and find us on Substack and join
• 24:10
  the community.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: Become a Jolter and join the community.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: And you can come and find us at thejoyjolt.com.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: That'll take you straight to our Substack page.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: So you can find us there.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: We are going to head off for today,
• 24:25
  but we're actually going to be coming back in a minute for our
• 24:29
  paid subscribers and
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: for our community.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: We're going to be doing a little behind the scenes,
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: a little bit of a deeper conversation with Christine for our community.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you all for joining us.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's been an absolute pleasure.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: And thank you, ladies.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_01: How fun this has been.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.