Latest / The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast / We’re all gonna be Dead Soon

Transcript

We’re all gonna be Dead Soon · The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast

• 0:00
  Hi. Hey. I know. I know, guys. This is just brutal. We're fine.
• 0:05
  Everything's fine, right? Everything's fine.
• 0:08
  Oh. I—okay, funny story. Except it's not at all. It's not all funny.
• 0:14
  I do firmly believe the evil eye has its grip on me.
• 0:18
  And, you know, best-case scenario, death.
• 0:22
  Like, I just wake up every morning and I think, what the fuck is going to happen to me today?
• 0:28
  Don't worry, my mom's curing me of it, though She prayed so hard that my union
• 0:32
  called for a strike on her birthday Which is pretty impressive I mean,
• 0:36
  yeah, yeah So, I mean, what?
• 0:41
  Money's useless, I mean We were back at work, don't worry We're back at work,
• 0:45
  The government, yeah, I just You know, I'm not going to talk about it I'm not
• 0:48
  going to talk about it You know why?
• 0:49
  Because you deserve happiness I don't, apparently, but you do Yeah,
• 0:54
  so you don't need to hear about it I just want you to know I love my job I feel
• 0:57
  grateful every day that I have a good job.
• 0:59
  I think good jobs are important for people without an education or hair.
• 1:03
  You know, good pension benefited jobs for people who couldn't make it as a gym
• 1:10
  teacher. I'm not going to name names. Me.
• 1:17
  Sorry, I don't even know where that left off. My mom just called me,
• 1:20
  and I'm not answering it, because I'm chasing happiness, okay?
• 1:23
  Yeah, I don't even know what you heard or didn't hear, and that's okay. That's okay.
• 1:29
  Okay, sorry, my mom just called. She must have sensed that I was talking about her.
• 1:32
  I can't answer the phone, though, because my cunt sister is in town from whatever
• 1:37
  fucking rooming house she crawled out of,
• 1:39
  and my mom only talks on the phone on speakerphone,
• 1:43
  and I made the terrible mistake of thinking my
• 1:47
  mom would be alone when she called me and I asked when my cunt sister was leaving
• 1:52
  and my cunt sister heard it and then my cunt sister wrote me a nasty email talking
• 1:57
  about how I'm triangulating or something and if I have something to say to her
• 2:02
  I can phone her and say it right to her.
• 2:06
  I just wanted to know when she's fucking leaving because I hate her and she's a terrible person.
• 2:13
  And the other thing that's happened to me, and I don't, it's killing me to say
• 2:16
  this out loud, but maybe it'll be therapeutic, right?
• 2:19
  I let someone very close to me borrow money that I did not have,
• 2:24
  and I still don't have because I received a frantic phone call right at the
• 2:30
  last minute saying that their house was going to get foreclosed on,
• 2:34
  if they didn't come up with, I'm gonna say $45,000 by 4 p.m.
• 2:39
  That day right I don't have I don't have
• 2:42
  $45,000 I have a credit line I I
• 2:45
  was like oh no let me help how can I help you
• 2:49
  know I was angry like oh you're a stupid fucking idiot but I I called Sarah
• 2:53
  and I'm like hey and she she was a little concerned you know because that's
• 2:57
  not a small amount of money and to be totally honest with you $4,500 is too
• 3:03
  much for me right now. I just do not have it.
• 3:07
  Yeah. So I called Sarah and she's like, are you sure?
• 3:11
  And I'm like, yeah, you know, yeah, she won't, she won't fuck me over.
• 3:18
  Not me. Not me. Right. Yeah. No, apparently it's, it's, she's okay with it.
• 3:25
  Yeah. I went to the bank, got a draft.
• 3:29
  Yeah. Stopped the foreclosure and
• 3:32
  now crickets no response when
• 3:35
  I text about hey like how are we gonna handle this
• 3:38
  because the deal was that she was gonna this mystery person sell
• 3:41
  her fucking house and then give me my my money back within a month or two yeah
• 3:47
  no didn't didn't happen now it's sitting on my credit line at five percent and
• 3:53
  then and then you know I didn't work for two weeks yeah that didn't that didn't help anything either.
• 3:59
  So now I just, I'm not even angry.
• 4:02
  I'm just horribly sad. Like it's just, you know, I mean, yeah,
• 4:08
  seasonal depression, of course it's happening, right?
• 4:11
  Hey, I don't have enough progesterone or estrogen for any of this right now
• 4:15
  or life in general, but I'm assuming a lot of us are in this terrible perimenopausal situation.
• 4:20
  But don't worry, I reached out to my doctor.
• 4:23
  And yeah, she checked my levels, and she's going to put me on basically birth
• 4:28
  control, which is what every gay woman wants to hear. But that's okay.
• 4:31
  My point is, I am pretty much completely alone.
• 4:36
  Like, I guess a lot of people are. I just think you should be able to trust some people.
• 4:42
  And I just made a huge, huge mistake.
• 4:46
  It's not just the money. Like, don't get me wrong, it's the money. It is the money.
• 4:50
  Because I do not have it. And this is going to have like a huge impact on my life.
• 4:57
  I just, am I going to have to work an extra year or two to pay this off?
• 5:01
  I won't be able to retire in 10 years now? Like.
• 5:04
  Oh, man. But don't worry. You know what? I'm sure something good is going to happen eventually.
• 5:10
  And, you know, if it cost me $45,000 to be rid of this person forever guiltlessly,
• 5:16
  then maybe that's just what it costs.
• 5:18
  And I'm just really trying to, I just cannot believe this.
• 5:23
  I mean, I'm not the first, right? I am sure if you look at plenty of family
• 5:28
  trees, this exact thing happens over and over and over. And then they become estranged.
• 5:34
  And I'm already strange. But, oh, good. Here's a bright side.
• 5:38
  All right. I listened to, I'm starting an audio book. It was something like
• 5:42
  Not Enough Fucks to Give or I Don't Give a Fuck or How to Stop Giving a Fuck or something like that.
• 5:46
  And one of the things the guy said was, we're going to be dead soon.
• 5:51
  We're all going to be dead soon. And I thought, hey, that's my life philosophy, too.
• 5:57
  And I had it before I even listened to this audiobook. So, like,
• 6:01
  I'm on the right track naturally.
• 6:03
  Isn't that what life's all about, kids?
• 6:06
  Just, you know, making terrible decisions and bringing down your family's finances
• 6:12
  because you were dumb enough to trust someone you love. Isn't that fun?
• 6:16
  I'm so happy. I am dying.
• 6:19
  And I am trapped. And I don't want to go to work today. but I know that this
• 6:23
  terribly long walk is going to make me feel better.
• 6:27
  And I should be grateful for that terribly long walk because pretty soon I won't be doing that.
• 6:32
  I'm going to be standing in front of a box and just filling it up.
• 6:36
  And then I'm going to go to another box and then I'm going to fill that one up.
• 6:39
  And then I'm going to look around and I'm going to wait for all of my co-workers
• 6:43
  to retire in hopes that I will someday be on top of this rickety ladder. Yeah.
• 6:54
  Okay, so yeah, this was, yeah, this was kind of fun, right? We had a good time
• 6:58
  here, didn't we? Didn't we have fun?
• 7:00
  I didn't. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, look, just remember, I'm here to tell you you're not alone.
• 7:06
  Are you making stupid financial decisions?
• 7:10
  Yeah, yeah, you are. You are, right? Maybe? If not, write me, man. I need help.
• 7:14
  Like, I don't, yeah, I just, yeah, I just, just kind of fucking dumb,
• 7:21
  right? But you know what?
• 7:22
  If I die, because you know we're all going to be dead soon, I know that I made
• 7:26
  the kind choice. Was it the smart choice? No.
• 7:29
  No, it wasn't. But I chose kindness, and let that be a lesson to you that you shouldn't.
• 7:35
  Do not lend anyone fucking money. Like, ever. You know what?
• 7:39
  Ever. Someone's panhandling?
• 7:41
  Don't do it. Just kidding. I always give them a dollar. It's okay.
• 7:44
  All right, look, we'll all be dead soon, right?
• 7:46
  That's all you got to take away from this. And, oh man, this was a bad choice.
• 7:51
  Look, whatever. Here, take it or leave it.
• 7:53
  I mean, everybody else is out there fucking recapping TV shows and you get a
• 7:57
  glimpse into a stupid, stupid woman's life.
• 8:00
  Just everybody pray for hair. I just need, like, I can't be bald and have all
• 8:03
  this shit happen to me. I just can't. But stay tuned, because you know what?
• 8:07
  I am a lesbian who's about to go on birth control, so I can't wait to see what this does.
• 8:11
  Let's add this to the mix. That'll be fun. All right, listen,
• 8:15
  if you need no, you don't need me You don't need me at all.
• 8:18
  Yeah, I hope I made your life seem better Ah, okay.
• 8:23
  All right. Don't don't call me. It's not going to be good This will be just
• 8:26
  just bad news all around someone pray.
• 8:29
  Okay, pray to get this evil eye off me. I just Cannot take it anymore.
• 8:33
  All right. Okay. Thank you. Love you so much. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.