Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Reasons You Stay (or stayed) In An Unhappy Relationship

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Reasons You Stay (or stayed) In An Unhappy Relationship · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartmann, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurrentry people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And today on the podcast, I'm going to explore with you reasons you stay in an unhappy relationship.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Reasons you stay in unhappy relationships and some of the underlying patterns that rise up to keep us held in an unhappy relationship.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to add a disclaimer here because I'm not talking in this episode about abusive, controlling, violent relationships of any sort.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about abusive entrapment where you fear leaving or where you fear that leaving means you might be hurt, harmed, or threatened, or your children might be, or situations where your financial or cultural circumstance doesn't afford you the freedom to choose to leave safely.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about unhappy relationships, not destructive abusive relationships, not abusive, violent or controlling relationships in any way, shape or form.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: If that is you, or if you even think that could be you, please access the resources that I'm going to drop into the show notes for services and support that can help you.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I also really strongly encourage you to go back and listen to an earlier episode of the podcast where I speak with Caroline Parsons on how to know whether you're in a toxic relationship.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So right at the outset, I want to be really clear I'm talking about unhappy relationships, not unhealthy or controlling or abusive relationships in this episode.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: There are lots of reasons why we choose or feel compelled to stay in an unhappy relationship.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Why we sit and stay asking those big, hard, difficult questions on loop, why you lie awake at night going over and over and over all the things, why you stay in a relationship where you're not met, you're not held, or where your needs are not being met, or in a relationship that just doesn't light you up or set your soul on fire.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, your relationship is not going to be amazing every moment, every week, or every month, but overall it should feel happy and healthy and uplifting and a space where you are safe and held more often than not.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now there will be seasons in any relationship, and there's an entire podcast episode on exactly that the seasons of relationships.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: So there'll be seasons in relationships that don't feel amazing, but if there is more downside to upside, why would you stay?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's a statistic that I heard last year, and that is that women stay asking themselves whether to stay or leave.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So they stay in relationship, in an unhappy relationship, for an average of seven years before they make the move to leave.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of wasted time, wasted energy, wasted opportunity.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot of heartache, it's a long time to sit in that uncertainty.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And there are all sorts of reasons why it takes that long.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: There are all sorts of reasons you might stay in an unhappy, unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship asking the should I stay, should I go questions.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: There's financial dependence.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's the really obvious one, okay?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's financial dependence feeling financially handcuffed, and I'll speak more about this further into the episode.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's illness, mental, physical, physical illness of you, yourself, of your partner, of one of your kids.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, there's you know neurodiversity or kids with high needs that mean there are so many extra layers and nuances to the dynamic of being in partnership or not.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: It might not be healthy or happy, but it's necessary.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Having said that, there's recent research that shows the rate of divorce in families with a child who has a disability is as high as 87%.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: So that I thought that's a really interesting statistic.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: But kids with special needs, neurodiversity, other challenges that your kids face can almost handcuff you to a relationship with their other parent.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's also familial or societal or cultural pressures to stay married.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're unhappy and you're asking the hard questions on loop, you're lying awake at night wondering, is this all there is for me?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is this as good as it gets?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is this really it?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: If this is you, it's important to acknowledge that for many of you, and I realize I'm speaking from a position of privilege here, and I'm going to speak to that too throughout the podcast episode.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So don't shut down when I say this.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: For many of you, it's important to acknowledge that there is choice.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: There is choice involved here that you can reclaim your power, that by being in choice about this relationship, you actually get to step out of that victimhood and reclaim your power to choose more for yourself.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And also, it's not as easy as that, I know, but there is capacity to shift the power and to reclaim your capacity to choose.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Every single day you can say, I choose to be here, I choose this relationship for myself, and that in itself can actually often shift the dynamic.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're giving yourself, you're empowering yourself, basically.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're saying, This is something that I'm actively choosing, I'm choosing this, and so it either reinforces your decision to stay or it can help inform your decision to leave because when we acknowledge we do actually have choice, it is then that we get to choose differently.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: It is then that we can choose otherwise, and we can choose liberation.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I acknowledge I'm speaking from privilege here, and I'm going to speak to that more as we go along.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are some of the reasons you stay?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: What are some of the reasons people stay in an unhappy relationship?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: The first one, obvious one, is inadequate resources.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard for anyone to actively choose a life where they're going to live less comfortably than they currently do or than they have in the past, especially if there's not enough to go around as it stands.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's not enough to begin with.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So separating from one household into two is very expensive and comes with sacrifices that may seem too hard to make or actually are not possible to make.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone makes compromises in their lives at some time, so it is about weighing the consequences of sacrificing comfort and familiarity, ensuring, of course, that it is possible and you are safe to do so against the needs of living a life with a little bit less.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's about weighing that up, and sometimes that is just too difficult to contemplate.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Many stay in a difficult or painful or unhappy relationship because they don't have the capacity, the resources to adequately safely create a life independent of their other person.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And again, here I'm not talking about abusive situations.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: That is the reality for many women I know, but what I'm talking about here is unhappy, unhealthy relationships, unhappy relationships where you do actually have agency and you can actually claim choice.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Part of not having adequate resources is that feeling of being financially handcuffed.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm going to qualify and clarify here that I'm not talking about someone who is actually financially trapped and entrapped by their lack of access to finance.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the feeling of being financially handcuffed, but you do have other options and you do have other choices.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: It is the feeling of being financially dependent where you can't see any way out.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really very real barrier for many, usually women, that can't be ignored or minimized.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It is difficult to leave if you don't have the financial resources to do so, and it can be easier to stay in something that's less than fulfilling, that's unhappy but not unhealthy or dangerous.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: You choose to stay because of the financial the limited financial capacity that you have to leave.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your situation, I really want to encourage you to learn as much as you can about your finances, get full visibility on all of the financials of your family, empower and educate yourself.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't have your own independent income, now is the time to shift that however you can.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And from one of my first ever clients, her words of advice, I asked, I asked my a few of my early clients, what would you go back and tell yourself, or what would you tell someone who was in your situation?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this woman's advice was get a job, get any job, and then go about getting a better job.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't have your own income, work out ways to shift and change that.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Get a job, get a better job.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and again, I acknowledge that there's layers to that, it's not always possible.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: But educate and empower yourself on your finance on your family's financial position if you can find and generate your own independent income.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's privilege in that in that advice, but there's also power.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: However, you can create your own income, even if it is saving some money each week in your own name, in your own bank account.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Get whatever support you need to shake off those financial handcuffs and empower yourself financially so you can make an educated, empowered decision about whether you stay or leave.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, it is an I'm not enough type narrative that runs through our head.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's if that's actually happening to you, I encourage you to write down the counterstatement to that.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: When the I'm not enough story or yeah, story comes up for you in your head, write down the counterstatement in a journal on a piece of paper.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: I am enough, I I will learn to be enough, I will whatever it is, I will start to earn more.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: What whatever your counterstatement is.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: When the I'm not enough or I'm not worthy voice rears up inside, try and write down the counterstatement and and really lean into believing in that whatever your not enough story is, or however it shows up for you, it can keep you stuck in an unhappy relationship because you don't believe that you're enough.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: It shows up either as you believe you're not enough, you don't have enough, you aren't enough to leave and make it on your own, or you're telling yourself that where you are is all you're worthy of, that you're not worth anything worth or worthy of anything better.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're not you're not enough to expect anything happier than the current reality for you.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like this is the best I can hope for, that you're accepting and settling that this is as good as it's going to get.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's come through past experience or family of origin learnings.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: You've convinced yourself that this, wherever you are, wherever you're car, whatever your current reality is in terms of relationship, this is as good as it gets.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: That you're not really worth more than where you are, what you have, or that no one better will ever be willing to be in relationship with you.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: No one better is going to come along.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is as good as it gets.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, that's past experience or childhood wounding coming up, teaching you, telling you that this is okay, that this okay relationship is enough and really all you can expect for yourself.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Family patterns and family dynamics also show up and tend to inform our decisions and can actually keep us held in an unhappy relationship.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: We learn through our family how to create happy, healthy, or let me rephrase that.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: We learn through our family of origin how to create relationships, how to be in relationship with other humans.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't know how to create or do any better, you don't know it.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you don't have the skills or the tools to create anything more for yourself, that this is all you've ever known.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Mediocre unhappiness in relationship is how you were taught through family of origin.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's just how the world is, that's how relationships go.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is if this is your reality, if this is playing out for you and it's keeping you held and you can see common themes, commonalities between your current relationship and your family of origin relationships, I want you to know that there are supports available.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, since you're here, since you're listening, you are open to exploring other ways of being in relationship, of perhaps healing and creating something new and different for yourself, whether you choose to stay or leave.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: There are plenty of resources available to you, including including my own, to help you learn better ways of doing relationship, of connecting to who you are, what you want, and reclaiming that for yourself.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you see family patterns, family dynamics playing out in your current relationship and you want to shift and change that, jump onto my website, to my social media, um, particularly Instagram, LinkedIn, and you will find other resources.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason we stay in an unhappy relationship is that we've not learned to set and hold healthy boundaries for ourselves.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: So we might stay in an unhappy relationship because setting and holding healthy boundaries aren't our superpower.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Asking for what you need, asking for a partner to respect your wishes, your needs, your yeses, your no's, and to respect your boundaries, don't know how to do that.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Don't know how to set firm, healthy boundaries and hold to them and expect a partner to respect and honour them as well.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know how to ask our partner to treat us as an equal and honour those boundaries.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something you're great at, it's not something that you've ever learned.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can see any part of yourself in that, this is an invitation to really go deep to think deeply on what is and is not okay for you in relationship, what you most want for yourself, and how to communicate that with either your current partner or a new partner.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've listened to a few podcast episodes, if you've been around, you know that I talk about defining the container of your relationship and creating a new way of being in relationship which invites the other person, be that your current partner or a new partner, to step into that version that you've created for yourself.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so part of that is being able to set and hold healthy boundaries, to communicate what they are and to communicate consequences, I guess, if those boundaries are transgressed.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's a full other full podcast episode on how to set and hold healthy boundaries.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's something that you're keen to explore, there's another episode for your listening pleasure.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason we may stay in an unhappy relationship is that we're the overfunctioner in an over-and-under-functioning relationship dynamic, that your relationship pattern is over-functioning with a partner who underfunctions.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: You overgive and they don't give quite so much.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're the acceptor, and you don't know how to break that pattern, or more probably more precisely, you're you're afraid of what breaking that pattern will mean.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're the one doing all the work, doing all the things, organizing everything, the household, the kids, holding the mental and emotional load for the relationship, for the family, and you're scared that if you stop doing that, if you leave, your partner won't cope and everything will fall apart.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you're the overfunctioner in an over-and under-functioning relationship dynamic, and you're scared of what will happen if you stop overfunctioning.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe, maybe you have a history of unbalanced relationships.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's one of your relationship patterns.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Say you help, support, tend, or care for your partner, but they don't reciprocate.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're the only one doing all the work trying to fix it, or perhaps you place all the focus externally, you place all the focus on your partner and focus all your time and energy and attention on them, on changing them, on fixing the relationship, you know, believing that you can save them from themselves, you can save the relationship and your partner if you just work harder.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's a bit of perfectionism in there, there's a bit of a said overfunctioning and also parentification you're taking on the parent role to try and fix or save.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: But if that's if that's one of your relationship patterns and you see it and feel into it and you or you feel into it, your current relationship, and you know that there's truth there, perhaps it's that you've you're so invested in this relationship pattern.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: And even though the relationship that's held together by this pattern makes you unhappy, even though you're resentful and you deep down want and know you deserve more, you stay because you're actually invested in that role.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know how to step out of that role or allow the relationship to grow into something different by shifting or changing your role.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: But mostly, mostly what keeps us stuck, what keeps us held, why we stay in an unhappy relationship, and again, not toxic or abusive or harmful.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk, let's clarify again.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: The reasons we stay in an unhappy relationship are all based in fear.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of what comes next, fear or pushback or retribution or punishment for leaving.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Side note here that's abuse.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are afraid that it might be your reality, I do encourage you to reach out for support.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Again, check the links in the show notes, have a listen to the podcast episode with Caroline Parsons.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: If your fear is that you will be punished for leaving, reach out for support.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: It can be fear of your ex bad mouthing you to the children or to friends and family, or make it making it really difficult to have meaningful meaningful relationships with others, including your children, if you leave.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or it could be fear that they will drag you through a high conflict divorce through the courts, but fear of what comes next need not paralyze you.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Education and education is power, so get educated about your options and your pathways if if fear of retribution and punishment and backlash is keeping you held.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: It might also be more subtle, a more subtle fear that you hold that isn't actually rooted or based in reality.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: The fear about what could possibly be coming next is not actually based in anything your partner may do or how they may behave, but more your own fear of what happens to you, um, for you, inside you, should you declare you want the relationship to end.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it goes back to are you actually invested in the role you're playing in the relationship and you're afraid of what it means?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: For you, if you step out of that.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's also a very real fear of being alone.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Fear that you might never find happiness or love again, or fear that you just won't be able to do life without someone, even someone who doesn't fully light you up by your side.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: We fear being alone.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's lots of downsides to being alone, but there's also lots of upsides.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose, you get to really get to know yourself.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's a beautiful opportunity to reclaim who we are by stepping out of relationship and being on our own and learning or relearning, reclaiming who we are, what we love, what our non-negotiables are, and how we want to live our life.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if fear of being alone is keeping you held in an unhappy relationship, I re- I'm I'm here to say there's an upside to it.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's also the fear of failure.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: We are sold still the happy ever after story that you get that you find your person, you get married, and you stay married happily ever after forever.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so if that's not your reality, it can feel like failure.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: We all compare ourselves to others.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to feel like we failed, we don't want to feel that we're not as good as someone else or that we messed up.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: So fear of failure, especially if you have a tendency to perfectionism or you recover you're a recovering perfectionist, fear of failure can keep us from making the changes or decisions that we know we really most want to make.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And also if you've already been through separation, divorce, if you've already experienced that and your kids have experienced that, if you're in a in a second or third relationship, fear of another failed relationship, if you've already been through a breakup or divorce, is very real and can keep you held in an unhappy relationship longer than perhaps is healthy for you.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: We also fear judgment, judgment from our friends, our family, our communities, who all hold really strong views, cultural, societal, religious views.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: We may fear being judged by our decision to leave a marriage or relationship, and that fear actually keeps us from stepping out, from leaving, from declaring we want something other than this prescribed future because we fear being judged, shamed, blamed, all the things by the people around us.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: We also fear, or we may fear, you may fear, um, not being the good girl.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: So that's tied into fear of judgment, fear of what it means to actually demand more, to ask for more, to claim more for ourselves, to put our own needs first, and what that actually means.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Our conditioning to be the good girl as as women, as girls, is strong and it runs deep.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: So claiming our own needs, claiming what we want, what we desire, we fear that it can be it can be really difficult, and we we fear that claiming what we need makes us wrong or selfish or bad.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: So we're afraid because of our good girl conditioning, we're afraid to step outside of that and really speak up and claim what we want for ourselves.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: We also fear dividing financial resources.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna come back to finances.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: Splitting money and assets is hard, and everyone, no matter what they have financially, is tipped into fear and scarcity by the prospect of having to divide their asset base, to split their money.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Division automatically means less.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: It means less for you, it means less for your partner.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: No brainer there.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: less can also mean more.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Less in the bank, maybe, less in terms of assets, but more freedom to choose.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I'm acknowledged the privilege, I'm acknowledging the privilege in that.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: There is privilege in saying, yes, you can split your assets and still be okay.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: But often, often, and I know this through my work with clients, I know this through my own personal choices, that sometimes stepping out of a relationship and dividing assets, yes, there is less fine, there's less financial resources, but there's more choice, there's more freedom.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: What there is is yours, and you get to choose how to invest it, how to spend it, how to use it.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: We also stay in unhappy relationships to protect others, and primarily here I'm talking about kids.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: We stay in unhappy relationships because we think it's the best thing for our kids, and sometimes, occasionally, maybe it is, but very often kids know, and kids are learning from you, they are watching and they are learning.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's their family of origin story here.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: So when I talk about family of origin stories coming up for you, what stories are you teaching your kids?
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: What lessons are you teaching your kids about doing life, love, and relationships?
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Are you teaching them to stay somewhere where they're not seen and heard and held fully?
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Are you teaching them to sacrifice their wants and their needs for the sake of others?
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you teaching them to bravely step up, claim what you want, fix and heal an unhappy relationship, or if that's not possible to leave.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we do stay as parents to protect our kids, and I question that.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Are we actually protecting them?
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: What are we teaching them?
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: We also stay because of familiarity.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been with someone for a long time, you have roots and connections that run really deep, you have those shared jokes, you have a long history together of shared moments, good, bad, all the things in between.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's familiar.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: It might not be amazing all the time, it might not be what you hoped or dreamed of for yourself, but it's safe and it's familiar, and you've been together forever and you've got roots that run really deep.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to leave that, particularly if your partner is not bad in inverted verticomas or she's nice.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: You still feel that affection and some sort of connection, a friendship, a connection, maybe even love for your partner.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe there's no big fights or arguments, and no one's done anything terrible or wrong.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not what you hoped or dreamed of for yourself, and no amount of inner therapy of therapy or inner work or reflection has actually been able to shift or change that.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason people stay in unhappy relationships is that push-pull of high drama, high conflict relationship.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: The good, even if it's not very often, the highs of the good balance out the not so good, at least sometimes.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a common relationship pattern or dynamic that does keep us in unhappy relationships, almost hold us hostage, or addicted to the drama, to the adrenaline, or to the amazing makeups.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: We have after huge argument arguments, after huge fights, addicted to the drama and the adrenaline and the makeup.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships are not always even equal in what they give and what they cost us, and it might be that you experience times that are painful, times that are neutral, times when there's kind of nothing in a numb kind of way, but those times are offset by the really amazing, incredible high moments, and those highs keep you willing to stay.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're enough for you, or you think they're enough for you, so you pay the price for the more frequent heartbreak, sadness, unhappiness.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: You'd rather stay for them than give up, stay and tolerate them, I'm sorry, than give up those amazing highs, even though they're few and far between.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: You stay for the hope of what could be rather than the reality of what is.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: You are hopeful, you are hopeful that it can it could be better, that you could get it back to what it was in the early days.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: You stay because of hope.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or you stay because of sunk cost.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: You stay because you've invested so much in this relationship, so much time, energy, money, if it's been therapy, you've invested your heart and your soul, you've given and given, and you've tried so hard to fix it and heal it that surely, surely it is worth it, surely it will get better.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: You stay because the idea that you've invested so much into this relationship makes it difficult to let go.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: As humans, we have a cognitive bias that makes us feel that we should continue pouring time and energy, effort into something, into a relationship that you've already sunk so much into that losing and losing all of all of that, all what you've poured in, coupled with the hope of change, makes it really, really difficult to walk away.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: So hope and sunk cost combined are really powerful in keeping us stuck or or in as a reason that we stay in unhappy relationships.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's no way, there's no formula, there's no magic formula to calculate or balance the pain and cost of leaving, breaking up, divorcing, walking away against the slower heartbreak or misery or unhappiness of staying and spending the rest of your life in a mediocre or loveless relationship.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way to calculate that.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: But what is the cost of coming home every day to a person you don't really want to be with?
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: What is that costing you?
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves and respects you, who lights you up on all levels, and so does your partner.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: So to stay in an unhappy relationship that you've determined really can't be shifted, changed, fixed, or healed is doing both of you a disservice.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: But when we're choosing and deciding with our heart, not just our head, when it comes to making decisions like this that are so highly emotional and we're so invested emotionally in them, it's incredibly difficult to accurately choose decide.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: We can't see into the future, you can't predict how you'll feel.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's really difficult to see an outcome that's different from your current reality and to measure how important the current emotions that you're feeling are and how real the fears are.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really common as humans to over-amplify or give too much significance to the short-term pain without really being able to fully comprehend the long term.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: What is the cost of daily numbing or even misery over time?
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: What is the cost of not choosing ourselves?
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: And is that is the short-term pain of leaving going to balance that out?
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: But for every day, every week, every year we choose, and I go back to the beginning of the podcast episode where I said you do have choice, you are actively choosing to stay, or you can reframe this so you are actively choosing to stay.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: So every year you choose to stay in an unhappy relationship, you are losing.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: You are losing the opportunity to create something amazing for yourself, whether that's with another human or flying solo, you are missing out, you are missing out on the opportunity to find and create a great relationship.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to ask yourself, if today was your last day of life, can you honestly say that you are in the relationship that you most want for yourself?
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: If today is your last day, can you honestly say that you're in the relationship that you most want for yourself?
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship that you are worthy of and that you know you deserve?
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: Have you given yourself the best opportunity to choose and find and co-create a relationship that really lights you up on all levels?
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if the answer to those questions is a no, know that you do still have choice.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: You have the choice to change your current reality and you have the choice in many circumstances to leave.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know I've talked about a lot of things, but I've also talked about patterns and dynamics and how they show up in our relationships and how they inform the some of the reasons, or underpin, I should say, some of the reasons we choose to stay in unhappy relationships.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if you recognize yourself or your relationship in any of those patterns or dynamics, or if you know there are patterns and dynamics that I haven't spoken about today, but that you want to shift either in your current relationship or that you held in past relationships and want to shift and heal for future, I would love to invite you to join me in my upcoming masterclass.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: The one thing you can do to heal your relationship patterns.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: This will help you whether you are in a relationship, whether you're navigating your way through separation, divorce, and reframing your relationship because you need to co-parent, or you're healing afterwards, maybe thinking about getting back out there into the dating world.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: The one thing you can do to heal your relationship patterns will be a live masterclass with me.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: You get time to hang out with me face to face.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to share this with you.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be a link in the show notes to sign up for the masterclass.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone who might benefit from jumping on with us, please share it with them.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: For now, I want to close this episode by saying there are a multitude of reasons why we stay in unhappy relationships.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: Some are valid, some are difficult or almost impossible to navigate or overcome, but some are actually within our capacity to shift and change, and we do have agency and we do have choice.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for hanging out with me for another episode of the podcast.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next month for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberation.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.