Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 183 - Amanda H.

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 183 - Amanda H. · Recovery Chronicles

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Recovery Chronicles.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: My name is John Traig and my sober date is
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: June seventeenth, twenty nineteen. Join me as we hear from
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: people who are on this journey that we call recovery.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Well, welcome to this episode of Recovery Chronicles. This is
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Joan Traig, and today I have a special out of
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: town guest or formerly from North Dakota, but I'm traveling
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: all over and doing amazing things and we're going to
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: hear about that today. So welcome Amanda.
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: Hi everyone, my name is Amanda. I'm originally from Msmark,
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: North Dakota, but I currently live in downtown Denver, Colorado
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: for about the last eight years.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: So this is super exciting. I feel like I'm super
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: important somebody that came to town to for other reasons too,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: but I'm just gonna say it's because you wanted to
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: come hang out with me, totally. Yes, yeah, yeah, anyway,
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: So let's let's just dive in, right, So let's talk
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: a little bit about tell me about you said you're
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: from Bismarck, so tell me about growing up.
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: So I actually went to the private Catholic school here,
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: grew up on a cattle Ranch. My parents actually separated
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: when I was about two and my mom had moved
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: down to Vegas, and so I spent my school year
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: here with my father and then my summers in Las
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: Vegas are growing up, So it was kind of a
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: completely different shift of a lifestyle.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no kidding, Yeah, tell me a little bit about that.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Like in terms of you have siblings or any I do.
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: I have two older sisters are absolutely wonderful, and then
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: I also have a half brother. My half brother was
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: from my stepfather and my mom, so he was down
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: in Vegas. And then my oldest sister grew up in Vegas,
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: and then me and my sister, who are about two
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: years apart, she lived here with me.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, walk me through a little bit about you know,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: so bouncing between two I get that. And in terms
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: of that, so tell me about that, how was that
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: for you? Because Holy Cow, North Dakota, Las Vegas just
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: a slight difference.
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: It was. It was definitely a lot. I would say
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: I kind of enjoyed it, to be honest, now looking
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: back at it, it was a pretty cool experience, but
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: it definitely was hard growing up and having to have
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: like this one lifestyle here with all of your friends,
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: and then I would go away for the summer, and
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: then you'd have to make new friends there while all
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: of your friends that you're going to school with are
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: having this amazing summer of their lives. So I felt like, honestly,
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: I was missing out a lot. And I definitely leaned
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: on my sister that was closest in age to me,
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: because we were together constantly, Like we were stuck in
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: airports together, you know, stuck out at the farm together,
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: building whatever we got ourselves into, and then down in
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: Vegas getting into whatever trouble we were getting into growing up. Yeah.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well yeah, especially growing up, but with friendships and
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: that kind of stuff, I could see where that would
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: be challenging. But it also got to meet a lot
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: of people.
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so very true.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Kind of two sides of it. Yeah, tell me about
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: the first time that you recall that you took your
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: first drink or used. What was that like for you.
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: I don't exactly remember the first time that I took
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: my first drink, but I definitely always remember being that
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: person that it was like. One was definitely never enough.
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: I know we hear that all the time, but it's
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: such a case, and I remember being at like a
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: party with my oldest sister. I think I was like
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: sixteen years old, and I stole a bottle from of
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: gold schlager from the party. Okay, we like out of
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: all things. I remember like laying on the sidewalk and like, oh,
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: I have this bottle of gold schlager. Like everything had
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: to just be so extravagant and over the top, and
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: there was never like an end point to the party.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Right, right, Yeah, So when you kind of started doing that,
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: you were, you know, exposed to probably some older crowds. Right,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: So what kind of changed for you in terms of
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: that do you think in terms of drinking was it
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: was it something that was just more of a social
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: thing at that age, that's at sixteen seventeen, or what
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: did that look like for you?
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: I definitely feel like a lot of it was more
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: of a social thing, especially like getting into high school,
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: because we would be you know, you want to be
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: accepted by the older crowd. What are the older crowd
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: doing They're drinking or using or any kind of substances,
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: So then therefore you're trying to kind of almost fit in.
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: We always go through like a cycle of trying to
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: fit in and it probably was not the best place
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: for me, but I definitely always hung out with an
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: older crowd.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: So well, and I don't I mean, I guess I
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: grew up here too, but you know, drinking was that
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: was the thing, like you everybody did that on the
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: weekends and that that's just how it was, Like it
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: didn't kind of you know, maybe it sounds weird to
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: some people, but it's like you didn't even think anything
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: about it. It was like, Okay, that's what we're going to
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: go and hope we don't get in trouble, and not
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: a thought in the world about anything like hope we
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: don't get hurt, hope we don't get you know, nothing,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: there wasn't I don't know. It was just I don't know,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: it was that was going to be part of the weekend,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: regardless of what you are doing.
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: Yes, I feel like everything was almost like a oh,
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: whatever happens happens kind of thing, like there is every weekend.
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: It was like, oh, go this way and at mile
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: marker one oh one, take a left and then you're
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: gonna see a gravel road and you'll see the bonfire.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Like it's just like what we did, and it was
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: so normalized, and I don't I hope it's not as
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: normalized anymore, but I feel like, definitely in the small
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: town areas, like it's so normalized, and traveling all over
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: to these other areas, I'm finding that others like, doesn't
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: matter what state you're in. It if it's a small town,
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: they all know exactly what you're talking about.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Right, No, you're right, that's true. So walk me through
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: a little about like when you're finishing up or nearing
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: high school, where you know, what did things look like
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: for you at that point.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: So finishing high school, I actually wanted to go to
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: beauty school. I checked out a beauty school in Minnesota.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: I remember my dad drove me there and he drove
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: so slow. That's like the biggest thing I remember from
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: the trip. But we decided that he wanted me to
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: and my mother, who lived in Vegas, they wanted me
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: to get into college education first, because I don't think,
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: I mean, not a lot of people take the beauty
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: industry seriously, which I get and I don't get, but
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: I get. But so I checked out that and then
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: we decided I was going to go to Bismarck State College.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: So then I was like, all right, I'll go to
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: Bismarck State College. I'll get an associates or whatever, and
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: then I'm going to go to beauty school. So I
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: think I graduated when I was nineteen, and I got
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: an associates in science and arts, and then I was like,
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: all right, I'm ready to go to beauty school. And
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: then my mom convinced me. I think it was well,
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: you already have your two year degree, go get your four.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: So I ended up enrolling into a school I think
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: the day it started, because I was like, I'm going
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: to take an off year and my Dad's like, no,
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: you're not. And so then I started school and I
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: hated it and I dropped out. So then I ended
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: up getting into like the service industry because I was working.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: I think it was like Appleby's North and South through
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: college and it was just like you constantly get into
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: that service industry and then once you turn twenty one
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: you become a bartender. And then once you're a bartender,
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: when the bar closes from work, you're going out to
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: a bar. And then I got stuck in that service
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: industry kind of mentality of cash in hand until I
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: was about twenty eight years old.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: So some of the time when I've talked with people
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: that have worked in service industry, like you just talked
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: about like you get done with work and then you
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: know it's you're all getting together everybody's party and having
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: a great time. What was that like for you or
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: what did that look like for you in terms of
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: like your use and you know, kind of setting at
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: groundwork in terms of drinking or oh it sane.
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: Completely amplified. I ended up getting three DUI's, three of
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: them before the age of twenty five. Okay, that's pretty intense.
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: I got like two miners and consumptions. I had like
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: two paraphernalia charges. I was just getting arrested left and right.
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: I don't know how I wasn't stuck in jail, So
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: it was. It was really messy. I even remember I
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: went to Sturgis to work actually the rally, and one
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: of our managers was sober, and I just couldn't comprehend
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: in my head how this person could be sober in
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: Sturgis as a bar manager. Like I'm like, how does
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: this work? But I get it now, But I personally
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: couldn't do it. But I get it.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Now right when you were so when when the situations
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: in terms of getting DUI and all those types of things,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: were you court ordered to anything in times of classes
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: or treatment lays of stuff.
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: Absolutely. When I remember when I got a minor, it
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: was right before I turned twenty one, so I was
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: twenty one years old, I was legal to drink taking
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: alcohol classes. Yeah, and I actually knew somebody else in
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: there who had recently turned twenty one, So we were
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: both twenty one and taking alcohol classes for a minor.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: And then for one of my miners, I ended up
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: spending two nights in jail. I think I was nineteen then,
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: and then for DUI's I had to wear an ankle
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: bracelet I think at least three times.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: Okay, Yeah, talk a little bit about when you're in
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: those courses, we're going through some of that stuff, you know,
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: especially at a young age, I think that I've seen
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: and for me too, it was kind of like, you know,
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: whatever type thing. Do you think that anytime during that
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: time any thoughts of like maybe I shouldn't do this
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: or was it kind of more of a just kind
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: of go with the flow and do what you needed
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: to do to get finished up. With the bracelets and
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: I feel like the only thing that like registered in
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: my head was I had to do this in order
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: to get my license back or not have to pay
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: more of a fine or not have more consequences. I
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: have had to take a lot of alcohol courses because
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: of the DUIs and the miners. And I will say
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: there was one where the guy I took one from
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: the guy. I don't remember who it was exactly, but
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: he ended up he had killed somebody in a dui
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: and so then he had started this center, and that
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: registered in me. So for a little bit after that,
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: I was like, holy smoked, Like this is serious. But
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: it didn't last long. I was out hitting everything.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: Right right when you when you're hanging out cards like
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: that and doing the thing, I mean, everybody's doing it,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: so it's it's one of those things. But what did
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: you what did you see that was you know, things
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: that were like was it a lot of drug use
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: or was it more that more of the party and
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: just the drinking, you know perspective or both or what
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: did you experience when you were that age?
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: I experienced mostly the alcohol use. There was definitely drug
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: use involved too, but it wasn't as hardcore I think
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: as the alcohol. I think that alcohol is so ready
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: and like able everywhere here. It's like everybody in town
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: knows that you can't buy liquor until this time on Sundays.
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: It's still like noon.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't buy it anymore, but it
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: was at my time.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it was like noon on Sundays and then
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: the bars don't open until this time, and like you
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: just know every single thing or this place doesn't sell
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: hard liquor on this day and you can't get off
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: sale from this place. Like there's no reason why I
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: should have had that much information on buying alcohol. Yeah,
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: like if I would have put that like focus into
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: anything else in life, like what could have happened?
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Well? Knowing you're right, And it is kind of funny
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: because when I was drinking heavily, my neighbor worked at
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: one of the liquor stores, and I got to the
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: point where it was like I'm not going when I
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: know she's there, because she's going to be like what
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: the heck? You know, And you get to be that
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: point where it's like I'm only going to the Latin
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: liquor store on these days because I don't want them
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: to think, but I'll go to all the other liquor stores.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: You literally make like a circuit like I'm going to
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: go to this one, this day, this one, and not
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: ever in my head is like wow, like maybe you
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: know I need to take a step back here. No,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: it was like, how am I going to avoid seeing
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: the same people so that they don't think that?
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: Literally?
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Yes, isn't that crazy? Yeah? But you're right for I
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: to put that towards a good purpose.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah we are now, so that's fine.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, so talk to me a little
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: bit more about where you're at now in life. So
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: you're okay, we've gotten through the rough part, so the
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: DOI perspectives and where are you at now at this
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: point you talked a little bit about okay, get that
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: one gentleman from the class, because like, oh that kind
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: of struck you a little bit. Where did that lead
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: you or what you know, what kind of did what
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: happened after that? Or where were you at in life?
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: Were you still here in town?
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: Or I were still here in town? So I was
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: here until I was about twenty eight, twenty nine, No,
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: I think it was twenty nine, I went back. I
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: finally went to beauty school, and I was twenty eight,
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: so that program was about eleven months long. And during
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: that time, I also fell in love and this person
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: had to move away, so I was going to finish
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: beauty school and then moved to where he was living.
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: So that's exactly what I did. But I did find
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: we I moved to an even smaller town. It was
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: a town of like twelve or fourteen thousand, and it
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: was the same thing, Like the whole town was centered
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: around alcohol, you know. So it's like easily all of
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: a sudd and we find out, okay, well this because
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: since it's like a different state, they have different like
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: alcohol laws. So this place doesn't sell like full strength alcohol.
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: This place doesn't sell liquor on this day. And it
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: was just like the cycle all over again, except with
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: a different crowd. But at that point I still thought
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: it was like healthy partying. We'll call it quotation.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, no, I hear that. So and that point
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: in your relationship, the person you were with was drink.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: Was that was just part of your guys's life. Yeah,
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: and right, so that wasn't something that was any different.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: That part didn't change, Nope, So but still moving to
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: a different town that whole thing. So you had finished
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: school so started a new job then too, or you know,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: like what did that look like for you in terms
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: of it.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: Was really scary actually, because I was starting a new
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: career in a town where I knew nobody. So then
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: that ended up being really stressful because nobody would actually
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: hire me except for Great Clips finally hired me and
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: I worked there for about a month. And then I
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: worked for corporate chain Salon and I worked there for
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: about a year and then I quit and I started
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: being my own boss immediately and that's fun, but it's
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: also very stressful.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, so still were you still in that small
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: town then at that point, Okay, let's move ahead then
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: a little bit. What kind of led you to because
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: you've moved on to much bigger, huge things in terms
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: of the beauty industry, and so tell me a little
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: bit about that, Like what kind of catapulted you into
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: that direction? You talked about you started your own working
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: for yourself, which super crazy, stressful, But where did that
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: lead you?
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: With them? It was good because I ended up being
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: able to make my own schedule and then so what
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: I did was I went out and did a bunch
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: of classes and met a bunch of people off I
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: should beat This sounds so bad, I should be murdered.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: I met a bunch of people off the internet, and
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: I would go to hair shows with them after not
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: meeting them in person, and we just all formed a
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: friendship and through that there was a brand that noticed me.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: And then it was like the day I was moving
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: to Denver because my partner's job took us to Denver.
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: Now this is like five years later. I got invited
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: to be an educator for them, So then that took
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: me kind of all around the world. But it was interesting,
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: Like with the drinking, it wasn't like everybody would expect
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: it to be really really hardcore with all this traveling,
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: and I really didn't get drunk when I was like working,
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: like that was always my focus. Is I was not
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: like that party person. For business wise, there was definitely
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: some slip ups, but it wasn't as intense. But then
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: like once clocking out, it was like game on. I
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: need a bottle of wine and ten shots of fireball.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: So what is you know, what's that perspective? Because when
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: I used to do a lot of traveling for work conferences,
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: all those types of things. It was soon, like you
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: just said, as soon as the conference was over, it
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: was like everybody was in the bar.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, it was like that was just.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: Looking back, if I wouldn't have been a drinker, I
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: think that would have been you would have probably been
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: almost outcasted a little bit because it was just like,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: that's what you do. Was it similar for your situation?
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: I knew like the second that like conventions or shows
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: or even classes were done, we would always like go
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: to the bar. You know, that would just be it.
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: Even if you didn't want to, uh, you at least
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: had to go and make an appearance and socialize and
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: so like that in itself is a lot. It's a
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: lot of peopling, I like to say a lot of peopling.
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: So I definitely also think that that. I don't like
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: to blame anything on it because my own choices are
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: my own choices. But definitely there is pretty much everything
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: centered around alcohol. So it's kind of cool to see
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: it shift a little bit now. I don't know if
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: it is so much here, but in Denver and like
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: other places are, but everything is literally centered around alcohol.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I mean I think we know that here
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: in North Dakota. That's just a big part of of
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: how it is. However, I am I do think there
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: is some shift there. But before we get to that,
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: tell me, so things are really good. I follow you
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: on social media, you know that I'm always like, oh,
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: I want that hair collar. That is the worst thing ever.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: And I've seen your work and the places you've been.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: But talk to me a little bit about that in
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: terms of what that looked like for you, and maybe
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: it started to become more problematic in terms of the
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: drinking piece of it.
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: I would say when I started, I started traveling a
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: lot by myself. So I was doing a ton of
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: classes almost every single weekend. So I would travel. I
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: would like fly out on a Sunday, teach on a
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: Monday morning, and then fly back Sunday night or Monday night,
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: and then be back to work on Tuesday. So I was, oh, sorry,
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: my handtalker. So I would I would fly out, so
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: in the air I was having Bloody Mary's. You know.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: I would have like a shot of Jamison before I
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: got on the plane. When I'm on the plane, I
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: would have a wine when I landed, I would get
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: to my hotel, I would go to the hotel bar,
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: order my dinner, have a wine, and then I would
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: go to bed somehow be fine when I woke up,
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: Well my definition of fine. I don't know what anybody
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: else thought.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: I think.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: And then I would teach and then I would get done,
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: go to the airport, same cycle. Have a bloody mary,
• 19:27
  Speaker 3: have a shot, get on the airplane, have airplane drinks,
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: get back and then have maybe grab a bite to eat,
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: or stop at the liquor store and get a wine
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: to unwind, because we all need to unwind apparently, and
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: then just do it all over again. So that started
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: going on, like at least every other weekend. It was
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: like a part of the traveling routine.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: You know, I do get that, because when I first
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: start got sober, going to an airport was like this
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: is the worst thing ever, because that's what that's what
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I always did. Like, well, you get to the airport,
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: you get checked in, you do all your things, and
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: then you go have drinks until you get on the
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: plane and then get in there and like, all right,
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: I'm just supposed to hang out here like this is
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: it's so it's a different, totally different atmosphere, and it
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: was honestly, it was kind of scary, I think for
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: me at first because I was so used to that
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: and it was a whole different perspective. However, I suppose
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: my bank account liked it a whole lot more spending
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: money in the hotel for the airport bar. But yeah,
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: I know, I see that, how are things looking for
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: you relationship wise with like with your partner and also
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: with your family, like you, what are you thinking?
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: And then yeah, it was definitely hard because I was
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: traveling all the time, and then I felt like with
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: it traveling, I let it kind of consume me because
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: I feel like, if I'm not obsessed with alcohol, I'm
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: just obsessed with something, and this time I was obsessed
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: with both alcohol and work. So with that combined, I
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: definite neglected my family, mostly which I am working towards
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: making up. There would be times when I would just well,
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: almost every single time I would come to North Dakota,
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: all I did was take them out to eat the
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: first night and then I would just go party with
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: my friends. So being present now is very very important
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: for me because I know I lost out on like
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: the last ten years at least.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: I get that. Yeah, and you don't even realize that
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: you're doing it right, like you think you're maintaining that.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: But do you think that at that point was anyone
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: in your family concerned or had expressed any concern with
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: you or do you think it would still.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: They definitely had concerns. I don't think it was until
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: about maybe three years ago that they really started expressing
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: that I needed to quit drinking. And there was a
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: time when I was up here and I remember my
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: sister saying that I needed to go to rehab, and
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: I had called my dad and I almost went. I
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: almost went, but instead that I went to the airport
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: because I was supposed to fly out, and I got
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: on the plane and I went back home and continued
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: my cycle for a couple more years.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, how do you recall feeling when you know like
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: so and that at that time you consider going, But
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: even prior to that, if someone would express concern to you,
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: how do you think you reacted to that?
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: I knew, I felt like I knew, but like the
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: concept of having to not work for four weeks and
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: you're just like so scared to be open because even
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: though I'm my own boss, I would have to tell
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: my clients that I was going to be gone for
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: a month, and then I would also have to tell
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: the owners of this company that I work for that
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: I need a four week break and they have to
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: move the classes. And so you just have this fear
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: in you that when you get out, you're going to
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: just lose it all right, So it's terrifying. I think
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: that's like the biggest reason why people wait so long.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: Well, and yeah, I mean now that you said that,
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: I wasn't thinking about from the perspective of when I'm
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: a hair appointment, I want to go right, you know,
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: so I totally see that that that would be super scary. Yeah,
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: and trying to navigate that, plus the concept of trying
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: to figure out how I'm going to live life without
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: drinking exactly when it becomes so much of your day
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: that that becomes, yeah, super scary. Do you think though,
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: when things kind of started to become more apparent, you're like, okay,
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: like I full on will admit to myself that I
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: have a problem. Do you think anyone in your like
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: along the lines of working that you worked with or
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: did anybody or do you think anybody was noticing anything
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: like that, or do you think it was.
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: I'm not sure people were noticing, but I definitely I
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: was open with them all about every like step in
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: situation because I didn't go to rehab once. I went
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: to rehab three times, so it wasn't like a clean
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: shot at all. And then I had a prevention plan
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: always for me that if I relapse, I would immediately
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: go back. So I kept it very clear, like communication
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: was very clear for me. So that was helpful. But
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: I mean, I'm sure people did notice because I was
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: always the party girl. I was always the pusher if
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: we went out, I'm buying you shots and you're blacking
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: out also, you know.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So talk to me a little bit about the
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: first time that you went to treatment. What did that
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: look like for you.
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: So my mother had tried to get me to go
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: in January of twenty twenty three, and I was like
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: okay with it, and then I was not. And she
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: had even called the place that I went because my
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: uncle had gone to the same one except in Kansas. Okay,
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: so he is I believe sixteen years sober, and so
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't go. I wouldn't go. I kept fighting it.
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: I kept fighting it, and then finally in April, I
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: decided to go. And it was brutal because I pushed
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: it off. I kept pushing it back and be like,
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: I'll go tomorrow, I'll go tomorrow, and then it was like, okay,
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: I finally go. I didn't even pack a bag or
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: anything like that, because I just decided to drink a
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: ton of vodka and just numb myself before having to
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: go in. And I got dropped off there, filled out
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: all the paperwork, which I barely remember. I looked horrible,
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: and then I spent the next twelve hours this is
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: gonna be graphic puking. And so with that being said,
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: the doctors at the rehab couldn't get me to stop puking,
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: so they actually had to take me in and I
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: was hospitalized for five days because my potassium was almost
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: a zero.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: Okay, so in the depths of the detox perspective, and
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: also then it's even harder because then you're having to
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: go do the hospital part of it and do that.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: So the facility that you checked in to that was
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: a residential setting, correct, So after you complete the five
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: days of at the hospital, then what then, what does
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: that look like then.
• 26:13
  Speaker 3: They got me an uber back to it because they
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: don't trust you driving yourself. And so then I went
• 26:19
  Speaker 3: back rechecked in and nobody even recognized me because I
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: looked like I was a different person. It was like
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: that noticeable, and I was kind of ready. I was ready.
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: I was like, let's do this. I met a bunch
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: of people who are still my best friends to this day.
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: It's kind of crazy. It's a bunch of people too
• 26:38
  Speaker 3: that like you wouldn't probably if you met them on
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: the street. You guys would not even like look at
• 26:42
  Speaker 3: each other. And they are like my rock, like amazing,
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: amazing people. And so then I did the four weeks.
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: We had classes and stuff like that pretty much from
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: eight thirty in the morning until nine at night every
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: single day.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah it was a solid day.
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a solid day. I had an amaz as
• 27:00
  Speaker 3: in counselor and it was it was good there. I
• 27:04
  Speaker 3: was like, it was really scary. At first. I was
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: only really talking to my mom and having courages to
• 27:11
  Speaker 3: tell my family what was going on because it was
• 27:13
  Speaker 3: a lot, and then say with my dad obviously, and
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: it was hard. But when I got done, I was ready,
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: like I was ready to be done forever. It was
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: awesome good. So that's yeah.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: That clarity, right, I think gives you a whole perspective
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: on everything.
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: Yep.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: When you get out, are you still part of some
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: type of outpatient or groups or what kind of programming
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: did that?
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: So this time I did IOP so online outpatient treatment,
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: and then I was doing meetings online and I had
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: downloaded I think every single kind of sober aut possible.
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: It was definitely weird being in public too. The first
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: place I went was a burrito truck and I'm like,
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: should I be here? I'm like, is this allowed? But
• 28:08
  Speaker 3: I kind of was like I was doing what I
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: thought by not drinking and just having like the app
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: remind me that I'm this many days sober. And then
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: I eventually dropped out of IOP because I was a
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: hairstylist and it was just so hard for me to
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: actually be done at a certain time because my colors
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: were I was making up every excuse in the book.
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: So what I did is I ended up dropping out
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: of IOP. I ended up making it to about seven
• 28:37
  Speaker 3: months sober, okay, And it was honestly a really cool
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: experience because when they say, like you have all these
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: like uphork messages that you start seeing like I was
• 28:46
  Speaker 3: seeing eleven, eleven and fours. I was like, I am
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: the chosen one, like literally you do. And I ended
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: up even getting this amazing opportunity with the color brand
• 28:59
  Speaker 3: I worked for to go teach in Australia.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, because with that being said, I was very.
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: Careful about reinserting myself into this career. I was going
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: to do everything slow and only if I was comfortable.
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: And with that, I was traveling with the owners, and
• 29:14
  Speaker 3: I was traveling with one of my really good friends
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: and she has a ton of sober people around her,
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: and she also knew exactly what I was going through,
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: so I knew I'd be strong in this. And so
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: I went to Australia and it was amazing. I had
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: never felt so strong. I was like, this is what
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: I worked so hard for. But definitely, at one of
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: the events, they had shots lined up and they're trying
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: to all get us to take shots at the end,
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: and my friend Christine is like, She'll just have a
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: sprite and so it was cool to have that and
• 29:45
  Speaker 3: it just felt nice because I also like I was
• 29:48
  Speaker 3: meeting so many people for the first time, so they
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: didn't know the party side of Amanda, and all I
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: had to be was like, actually, I don't drink, so
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: it was neat. And then I flew thirty hours back
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: here because it was hunting season.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: Hey, shout out, and I'm on straight back.
• 30:04
  Speaker 3: It was a thirty hour trip. And also after I
• 30:07
  Speaker 3: got out of rehab that first time, my dad was
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: diagnosed with cancer, So that in itself, I felt like
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: was a recipe for relapse. And I was really really
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: proud of myself that I didn't. So I was like,
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: if he can do it, then I can do it.
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: And so I came back and I was visiting him,
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: and I was back for hunting season, and then I
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: relapsed shortly after that.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, so talk to me a little bit about how
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: you I like to be really raw about this one.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: When when I talk with people about like relapsing, for example,
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: talk about the day after Oh God, Okay.
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: So I was sitting in my house and I was
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: by myself because my partner at the time was having
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: some issues himself and so he was going to be
• 30:56
  Speaker 3: away for a little bit, and I had gone into
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: work the day after we got back from North Dakota
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: and I worked, and I my boss is I think
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: she's eighteen years sober now, okay, And so she's like,
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: but she also just bought the salon, so she jumped
• 31:13
  Speaker 3: into messy Amanda. I feeld for her, but she gets
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: it because she's gone through it. So thank god I
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: had her to be honest with you. And so I
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: went to work the first day after I had gotten
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: some like crazy news that I just did not take well.
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: And when they say, like, you plan your relapse before
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: it's going to happen, you one hundred percent do so.
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: If you're even remotely thinking about relapsing, like the first
• 31:42
  Speaker 3: thing you do is you go to a meeting or
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: go get help immediately, because that will easily become a reality.
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: And I did one client, I canceled my other one.
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: I went home and then I got fireball shots along
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: the way home, and I took a bunch of fireball.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: And then the next day I woke up at eight
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: am because I knew the liquor store was open that
• 32:03
  Speaker 3: was one point five miles away, and I continued to
• 32:06
  Speaker 3: drink and lock myself in my apartment. And that's when
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: I was very open to my mother about what was
• 32:15
  Speaker 3: going on and in my relapse prevention plan, I relapse,
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: I go back to rehab.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: So she was.
• 32:20
  Speaker 3: Already on the phone with them, except they couldn't get
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: me in for like a week and a half.
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, so you have the plan, you know it's coming.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: What does that look like until you get there? Until
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: that timeline over that time span.
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: It was really really, really bad. I had my boss
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: knocking on my door trying to get in. I had
• 32:45
  Speaker 3: friends stopping by, and at one point I would let
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: them in, and then I eventually started not letting them in,
• 32:52
  Speaker 3: and I was really really depressed. I went and just
• 32:54
  Speaker 3: got a bunch of vodka and I was trying to
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: drink myself to death at this point. So the first
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: night I tried to do that, I was woken up.
• 33:03
  Speaker 3: I was in my bed and I was woken up
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: to the police doing a welfare check on me, shining
• 33:07
  Speaker 3: a fast flashlight in my face, and then so they
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: took me to the hospital. Somehow I got out of it.
• 33:13
  Speaker 3: I laid there for like three hours, and somehow I
• 33:16
  Speaker 3: convinced the nurse, because one thing us addicts do or
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: we are very convincing, yep, I convinced them to let
• 33:21
  Speaker 3: me go. So what did I do? I got in
• 33:24
  Speaker 3: an uber on the way home. I got more vodka,
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: which I already had a ton of vodka, and I
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: sat at home and I remember chugging it like it
• 33:33
  Speaker 3: was a literal water bottle. And sometime that next night,
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: I apparently got another welfare check called from one of
• 33:41
  Speaker 3: my friends because I wasn't answering, and the only thing
• 33:45
  Speaker 3: I remember was I came to when I was at
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: the hospital and they were cutting my clothes off.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: Okay, yikes, So okay, So two welfare checks within two
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: days back at the hospit and then what is what
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: are they doing then in terms of that for you?
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: Or what is the plan?
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: So they let me go? Okay, right, But by now
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: my mom already had a flight up, so she came
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: that day. And then my roommate from rehab from when
• 34:17
  Speaker 3: I went the first time came over and kind of
• 34:20
  Speaker 3: coached my mom what to do, and so she's amazing
• 34:24
  Speaker 3: for that. And then my two best friends from here
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: drove twelve hours through the night and got down there
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: to take me to a different detox because they knew
• 34:35
  Speaker 3: I wasn't going to make it if I didn't get
• 34:37
  Speaker 3: into some place like immediately. So I went into a
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: different detox that would take me immediately for a week,
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: and then I went back into the rehab that I
• 34:47
  Speaker 3: previously went to.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: Okay, tell me a little bit about what it's like
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: going back for the second time, because at heartview, I mean,
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: we have people that come back. I mean, that's just
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: the nature of the disease, right, tell me what that's
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: like for you going back for that second time.
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: It was really embarrassing, you know what I mean. It
• 35:06
  Speaker 3: was like really just really embarrassing because it's like each
• 35:10
  Speaker 3: time when I had to come back, I was like
• 35:12
  Speaker 3: completely sober for it, you know, and it was just weird.
• 35:18
  Speaker 3: It was a whole different group of people. And then
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: it was just like you're kind of like, oh, I've
• 35:22
  Speaker 3: been here before, and then you start realizing a lot
• 35:24
  Speaker 3: of them also have been here before. So I felt
• 35:27
  Speaker 3: like the second time I almost didn't take it as seriously. Okay,
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: you know, yeah, I kind of had the I already
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: did this attitude. I was in a good place. I'm
• 35:36
  Speaker 3: going to pick up right where I left off. And
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: that's not what happens. You have to start completely over.
• 35:41
  Speaker 3: You have to be vulnerable and it sucks, but it's
• 35:45
  Speaker 3: worth it. But there's so many people who have gone,
• 35:50
  Speaker 3: and I thought a lot of people were you almost
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: have like you're going to get scolded mentality, But a
• 35:56
  Speaker 3: lot of people gave me a hug and they said,
• 35:58
  Speaker 3: I'm glad you came back because a lot of people
• 36:00
  Speaker 3: don't get the chance to come back. And I almost didn't, right.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: And when you're I want to be clear with people
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: that are listening, when you're saying they don't get the chance,
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: it's because they don't. They don't make it. Yep, they
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: literally unfortunately that yeah, that happens. So yeah, I I'm
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: so glad that you went back too. So okay, so
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: now we are doing going through the programming, and so
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: what what kind of changes for you at this point
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: now when you're ready to go leave again? What does
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: that look like this time?
• 36:38
  Speaker 3: So this time I still kind of had my I
• 36:40
  Speaker 3: know what to do attitudes. So I felt like the
• 36:43
  Speaker 3: first time I went, I accepted, you know, I was
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: an alcoholic and I needed help. And so the second
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: time I went, I felt like, oh, I've got this,
• 36:51
  Speaker 3: like whatever, it's fine. But in reality, I should have
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: been looking at the way I was living and figuring
• 36:59
  Speaker 3: out what I was doing that I needed to change
• 37:02
  Speaker 3: in order to be successful. And I didn't change anything.
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: If anything, I didn't do anything, okay at all. I
• 37:12
  Speaker 3: went back to a household that wasn't sober. There was
• 37:15
  Speaker 3: alcohol in my house. I was going to the mountains
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: and taking a trip, you know, like I was in
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: places where I should not have been sure as definitely
• 37:25
  Speaker 3: a person who had just gotten out of rehab. So
• 37:28
  Speaker 3: it took I think maybe two or three weeks before
• 37:32
  Speaker 3: I relapsed again. And that was the end of actually
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: it was the end of December, beginning of January.
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, so we're into twenty four right, Okay, when you
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: relapsed that time was there you still had that prevention
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: plan and in place, though, correct, And so tell me
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: about what that looked like then for you in terms
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: of the relapse.
• 37:58
  Speaker 3: And so once again I immediately told my mother. I like, oh,
• 38:01
  Speaker 3: my mom, a beach get away. Honestly, I told my
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: mom and she immediately called, and I mean, by now
• 38:10
  Speaker 3: they know who I am, and so they immediately clear
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: to bed and they were ready for me in like
• 38:14
  Speaker 3: a couple of days. So I was so sick of
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: that cycle. It was just annoying at this point. And
• 38:24
  Speaker 3: so this time when I went, I had the same
• 38:27
  Speaker 3: cancer as the second time, and she was like she
• 38:30
  Speaker 3: was me as like in like twenty years. She was amazing.
• 38:33
  Speaker 3: Her office looked like a unicorn threw up in it.
• 38:35
  Speaker 3: It was like, I was like, this person gets me,
• 38:39
  Speaker 3: you know, and she really put into perspective a lot
• 38:43
  Speaker 3: of things that I felt like I hadn't worked through,
• 38:47
  Speaker 3: you know, and she helped me kind of like something
• 38:52
  Speaker 3: clicked with her, Like she helped me find that missing
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: puzzle piece I felt like for my sobriety, and that
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: was actually doing the work. And so this time I ended,
• 39:02
  Speaker 3: I decided I needed to go into a sober living house.
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: I wasn't even planning on it, to be honest with you.
• 39:09
  Speaker 3: And then about I think it was like two or
• 39:13
  Speaker 3: three weeks. In three weeks in so I was getting out,
• 39:16
  Speaker 3: Like in that week one of my friends was talking
• 39:18
  Speaker 3: about the sober living house that he had gotten a
• 39:20
  Speaker 3: grant for. Because by now I haven't worked. I was
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: institutionalized more than anything, you know, and I was nervous.
• 39:28
  Speaker 3: But I knew that I shouldn't go back to the
• 39:30
  Speaker 3: home that I was living in because that was a
• 39:32
  Speaker 3: huge trigger, and I wasn't able to focus on myself
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: personally there. So I called this sober living and they
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: immediately accepted me super easy. I had actually already met
• 39:45
  Speaker 3: him the first two times, the owner of it that
• 39:48
  Speaker 3: I was in there, so I felt comfortable that I
• 39:50
  Speaker 3: actually knew people too, okay, and then one of the
• 39:53
  Speaker 3: girls that I was in rehab with was also going
• 39:56
  Speaker 3: with me.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: Oh okay, yeah, so tack a little bit about that transition.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: We have a lot of patients that go to sober
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: living it, you know, it just makes a huge difference
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: for people. What did that look like for you?
• 40:09
  Speaker 3: It honestly like, I only had plans on staying for
• 40:13
  Speaker 3: a month. I was going to stay just for my
• 40:15
  Speaker 3: grant and then hopefully things will like I'll be able
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: to figure things out and then I can go back
• 40:20
  Speaker 3: to my home, right and that month being by myself
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: and taking care of myself for like the first time
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: in ten years, I realized I needed a lot of
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: work on myself, and there wasn't a way to do
• 40:35
  Speaker 3: that while you're also taking care of somebody else necessarily,
• 40:39
  Speaker 3: or them taking care of me. It was like really codependent,
• 40:43
  Speaker 3: and so it wasn't like every I think everybody thinks
• 40:46
  Speaker 3: so we're living is such a scary place, but it's not.
• 40:49
  Speaker 3: You have your own bed, you're not sharing beds. It's okay.
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: Nobody's I don't know nobody was stealing my stuff. And
• 40:58
  Speaker 3: I did think I had like a ten o'clock curfew
• 41:00
  Speaker 3: the first two weeks I was there, and then it
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: was like midnight. Through living and sober living, I started
• 41:06
  Speaker 3: traveling for work again because I was like, this is
• 41:08
  Speaker 3: a great opportunity because if I want a home, I
• 41:12
  Speaker 3: have to stay sober. And when I came back from
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: my work trips, I had to go just get a
• 41:17
  Speaker 3: super in depth drug test to make sure that I
• 41:19
  Speaker 3: didn't have anything in me. And so I had planned
• 41:23
  Speaker 3: on staying sober living for one month. All of a sudden,
• 41:25
  Speaker 3: one month turned into two, two months turned into three,
• 41:29
  Speaker 3: and three months turned into four, and by about June
• 41:34
  Speaker 3: of twenty twenty four, I finally moved into my own apartment.
• 41:39
  Speaker 3: I decided that the relationship I was in wasn't working.
• 41:42
  Speaker 3: When they tell you to not date in the first
• 41:45
  Speaker 3: year of sobriety, I get it now. I get it
• 41:48
  Speaker 3: because you have so much to work on yourself, and
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: unfortunately I was with my partner for ten years and
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: had to end that relationship because if I didn't, I
• 41:59
  Speaker 3: would be dead. I'm pretty sure. Okay, So.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: What an accomplishment though for you to You're still doing
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: all the travel and doing the work stuff, and it's
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's huge the things that you're doing. But
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: now you have your own place, like like I have
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: my own my own my own path so to.
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: Speak, is what people say.
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: And finding you know, finding that path for yourself in
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: terms of I like how you said about take you
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: need to focus on taking care of yourself because it's
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: I think people get so wrapped into trying to take
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: care of and help other people and do all these
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: other things, and then you're maybe self medicating to deal
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: with all the stress of all that that you completely
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: throw out yourself that you don't even think about anything
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: about what do I need to do for me so
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: that I can literally function without you know, using, without drinking.
• 42:56
  Speaker 3: Or whatever it is.
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: Talk to me a little bit about that. In terms
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: of moving into your own place and kind of starting
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: to you're starting fresh, right, So.
• 43:06
  Speaker 3: I had to get a new place. I didn't have furniture,
• 43:11
  Speaker 3: I didn't even have a car. Then I like literally
• 43:13
  Speaker 3: completely started my life over. When I moved out, I
• 43:16
  Speaker 3: pretty much just took clothes, So it was kind of
• 43:20
  Speaker 3: scary at first, but it was really exciting because to
• 43:23
  Speaker 3: open the door to something that was just mine and
• 43:25
  Speaker 3: it was just a small studio in downtown Denver, which
• 43:29
  Speaker 3: is insane for it never moved to downtown Denver, but
• 43:35
  Speaker 3: it was fun. It was fun to be able to
• 43:36
  Speaker 3: decorate like the way I wanted to, which is a
• 43:38
  Speaker 3: unicorn vomiting in my apartment pretty much, I have light
• 43:42
  Speaker 3: pink couches. But I also had a prevention plan with that.
• 43:49
  Speaker 3: So the only way that I was capable of moving
• 43:52
  Speaker 3: out was my boss had to have my key, and
• 43:56
  Speaker 3: then she's also my emergency contact. And then my sister
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: has me on her life three sixty my sister that
• 44:03
  Speaker 3: lives here, so she can watch my every move, see
• 44:06
  Speaker 3: where I have been, how long I've been there for.
• 44:09
  Speaker 3: And then also like when I take like work trips,
• 44:11
  Speaker 3: like I went to Mexico with the company I was with.
• 44:15
  Speaker 3: She didn't ask for it, but I gave her the
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: contact of somebody one of my best friends there that
• 44:20
  Speaker 3: would really literally murder me if I drank, but so
• 44:23
  Speaker 3: she can check up and see if I was lying too.
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: So it's kind of annoying because you are babysat so much,
• 44:30
  Speaker 3: but it's kind of liberating because it means people can
• 44:33
  Speaker 3: finally trust you. Yeah.
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and having that I think, realizing that when people
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: actually do trust you again, whether it's your family or
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: your friends, or for me it was my kids too,
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: realizing that they once again have that which you haven't
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: had for a long time, or maybe never had it all.
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to describe that feeling. I don't
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: know if there's words that I can really say. But
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: when you realize that, that's like, Okay, I don't want
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: to lose this. I don't want to because you know
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: you probably never get it again.
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 45:09
  Speaker 3: Right, So.
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: Talk about kind of a little bit about now now,
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: where are you at now? More and more where we're
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: at right now today? Like I mean, so you were
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: I know, you told me you were up here for
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: teaching classes, but what else is happening and where you know,
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: how are things going for you?
• 45:29
  Speaker 3: So I was able to move in finally to a
• 45:31
  Speaker 3: one bedroom apartment on the main floor. I this is weird.
• 45:35
  Speaker 3: I'm so weird now I am. I like to do
• 45:39
  Speaker 3: breath work and like yoga, and but one day I
• 45:44
  Speaker 3: went to adoptable Puppy Yoga and I was not planning
• 45:47
  Speaker 3: on getting a dog, and this little wiener dog sat
• 45:50
  Speaker 3: with me the whole time, and there was just like
• 45:52
  Speaker 3: psychotic puppies everywhere, except this dog was just chill. It
• 45:55
  Speaker 3: was lazy like me, and and I was like, I
• 45:58
  Speaker 3: need this dog. And then they told me he was deaf,
• 46:00
  Speaker 3: and I was like, all right, I really need this dog.
• 46:02
  Speaker 3: And then he told me they were blind in one eye,
• 46:04
  Speaker 3: and I was like, perfect, he's mine. And then I
• 46:07
  Speaker 3: looked and he has wonky bowed back legs. I'm like,
• 46:09
  Speaker 3: he's just mine. So I ended up trying to adopt
• 46:14
  Speaker 3: him that day, and he is adopted already, right, So
• 46:18
  Speaker 3: I tell everybody about him because I'm so obsessed with
• 46:20
  Speaker 3: this dog. And one of my clients is like, you
• 46:22
  Speaker 3: should keep checking the website because adoptions fall through all
• 46:25
  Speaker 3: the time. So I did every day for two months,
• 46:27
  Speaker 3: and after two months you pop back up on there.
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: So now I have a little half blind, deaf, bowed
• 46:34
  Speaker 3: back leg, hyper intended front leg, little wiener dog named Bowie.
• 46:38
  Speaker 3: But he's like my emotional support dog. I take him
• 46:42
  Speaker 3: traveling everywhere with me. We were just in Vancouver, we
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: were just in Odessa, Texas. Now we're up here. We've
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: been to Vegas, we've been up here again. We're going
• 46:50
  Speaker 3: to North Carolina next weekend. And he calms me down
• 46:55
  Speaker 3: in airports when we were talking about airports, because my
• 46:57
  Speaker 3: hyper focus is so on him, like I'm so obsessed
• 47:01
  Speaker 3: with this like creature. It's just weird. I'm that weird
• 47:03
  Speaker 3: dog person. So I feel like that helps me a
• 47:07
  Speaker 3: lot with my traveling and being able to do it. Definitely,
• 47:12
  Speaker 3: like ease into the things in your normal life and
• 47:15
  Speaker 3: see if they even fit in anymore. That's kind of
• 47:18
  Speaker 3: like what I do. My friends all know that if
• 47:20
  Speaker 3: I'm going to go out with them, I'm going to
• 47:22
  Speaker 3: Irish goodbye. So if you're talking to me now, that
• 47:26
  Speaker 3: might be the last time you see me for the night.
• 47:28
  Speaker 3: But I also have like a prevention plan that there's
• 47:31
  Speaker 3: one person that I'm always really really close with there
• 47:34
  Speaker 3: that I tell them that, hey, I'm okay, I'm just
• 47:36
  Speaker 3: going home, but everybody else gets an Irish goodbye. Yeah. Yeah.
• 47:40
  Speaker 3: So I just always make sure that I have a
• 47:43
  Speaker 3: plan and then for me too, like I was super
• 47:46
  Speaker 3: obsessed with always having to take care of people, like
• 47:49
  Speaker 3: that's another thing with addiction, and I just really wanted
• 47:53
  Speaker 3: to make sure that I always put me first because
• 47:56
  Speaker 3: the biggest thing is like broken people can't fix broken things,
• 48:00
  Speaker 3: you know. And so I have boundaries for the first
• 48:03
  Speaker 3: time in my life. It's really weird. But if I
• 48:05
  Speaker 3: don't want to do something, I will just not do it,
• 48:08
  Speaker 3: and I don't have to give you an explanation. If
• 48:10
  Speaker 3: I'm uncomfortable, I will just remove myself from the situation.
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: So well, and I think you talked a little bit
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: about before about some of the things that are liberating,
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: but I think that that is one of them too.
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: The first couple of times you set those boundaries, it
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: is super strange, yeah, and feels almost like a legal
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: kind of thing, like did I just say no to that?
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. But then later you're like, thankfully I
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: said no to that because I can actually breathe now
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: and I don't feel the pressure of whatever that is
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: and all the things that I that were associated with it.
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: And learning how to do that is a huge part
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: of sobriety, not only just not using not drinking whatever,
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: but all the things associated with it. So finding that
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: out and determining what works best, and mister Bowie with
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: you too, I mean all the things things you know.
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: Putting that literally, that recipe together of what's going to
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: help you maintain is what's really what's going to work right.
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: So but I think that that's important for people to
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: understand on that. Setting those boundaries is one of the
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: hardest things I think for people too, because you have
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: to new people in new places, new things a lot
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: of times, like you talked about, you know, the new apartment.
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: I mean all you know, all the things that are associated.
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: But doing that and setting yourself up for that is
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: really how it's going to help you maintain. So that's exciting.
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm happy for you that you know you're
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: doing that. So tell me a little bit about more.
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: What's the future looking like for you? And I'm sure
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: you're traveling the world, but what's happening in terms of
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: your because your profession is just it's huge. I mean,
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: I know that people follow you and people love to
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: come see you. And I'm still telling you I'm going
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: to get that pink. I'm going to get here I
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: know I should have done it today.
• 49:55
  Speaker 3: I know, right I'd have done it this whole podcast.
• 49:57
  Speaker 3: To be honest with you, it would have been like
• 49:59
  Speaker 3: the hairs st Ile chronicles, like the client.
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: I you know, I'm on board. I don't know how
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: many times I've messaged you.
• 50:05
  Speaker 3: I'll be back in you and it's okay, okay, that's
• 50:07
  Speaker 3: what next, folks. It is.
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: So what do things look like though for you in
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: terms of just helping you maintain but also moving forward?
• 50:16
  Speaker 3: So moving forward and helping me maintain. I realize that
• 50:20
  Speaker 3: for a while I think through the first part of
• 50:22
  Speaker 3: my sobriety, I kind of made sobriety my entire personality
• 50:26
  Speaker 3: and I want to actually live again. But living is
• 50:29
  Speaker 3: definitely always being cautious of like my triggers and like
• 50:33
  Speaker 3: everything like that. But like I don't need to sit
• 50:35
  Speaker 3: there and be like I'm sober like before somebody who
• 50:37
  Speaker 3: changed my hand anymore, and I just want to continue
• 50:43
  Speaker 3: to grow. A really cool thing about sobriety is you
• 50:47
  Speaker 3: have a lot of first again, Like even if you've
• 50:50
  Speaker 3: done something already, it's the first time that you've done
• 50:53
  Speaker 3: it necessarily almost sober or in such this clear minded situation.
• 50:59
  Speaker 3: So what I've been doing is when I travel now
• 51:01
  Speaker 3: to teach, if it's someplace I've never been, i will
• 51:04
  Speaker 3: stay the night an extra night, and I'll just walk
• 51:07
  Speaker 3: around the town with Bowie and just see it and
• 51:09
  Speaker 3: actually enjoy where I'm going. And I feel like I
• 51:13
  Speaker 3: have such a better connection with people this way, because
• 51:16
  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm finally becoming at peace. But life
• 51:19
  Speaker 3: definitely does throw me the reminders that I have a
• 51:22
  Speaker 3: lot of work to do still, Like I just had
• 51:23
  Speaker 3: one in the airport on the way here, and I've
• 51:26
  Speaker 3: had all this run of emotions and I'm texting everybody
• 51:30
  Speaker 3: and everyone's like, it's okay to have emotions, Amanda. This
• 51:33
  Speaker 3: is the thing is you've probably never felt that before.
• 51:36
  Speaker 3: And I was like, oh yeah, because I always numbed it.
• 51:39
  Speaker 3: So it's going to be constantly doing the work. I
• 51:41
  Speaker 3: do not have a sponsor right now, but I will
• 51:43
  Speaker 3: get a sponsor. I am giving myself until the end
• 51:46
  Speaker 3: of next week. I had one and it kind of
• 51:49
  Speaker 3: fell through. So now I'm just like bound and focused
• 51:52
  Speaker 3: on getting the sponsor and yeah, and just like doing
• 51:58
  Speaker 3: work and like telling my story, but also always being aware,
• 52:02
  Speaker 3: like to not overextend yourself because you can end up
• 52:06
  Speaker 3: putting yourself back in that situation. So when I'm comfortable,
• 52:11
  Speaker 3: I'll tell people and try to help people. But it's
• 52:14
  Speaker 3: like sometimes I have to be clear, like I cannot
• 52:17
  Speaker 3: deal with like this down of like where you're at
• 52:21
  Speaker 3: right now. I can tell you what worked for me,
• 52:23
  Speaker 3: but like that might also bring me down into a
• 52:26
  Speaker 3: really dark place.
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah. No, and again the boundary piece of it. But
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: knowing that, I think that a lot of people have
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: to find that out the hard way, Like oh, yeah,
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: you know, and I was the same way, like you.
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: Just once you can figure those things out and identify
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: those things, that's just another step or another tool in
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: your toolbox, as people like to say, to know, like
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: I need to do that, and I need right now
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: so that I don't even start going down that path. Yeah,
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: And so hats off to you for figuring that out,
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: because that takes a lot of work and a lot
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: of things that you maybe have to think about, acknowledge
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: and address before you can get to that point. And
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: no one wants to do those things now I don't,
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: but doing that is really one of the only ways
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: that you'll get to that point. It's so nice work
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: on that. Yeah.
• 53:16
  Speaker 3: Good. Admitting your faults is horrible, Like you have to
• 53:19
  Speaker 3: sit down and be like, man, I really was a horrible,
• 53:21
  Speaker 3: horrible person. But then also like being like, okay, I'm
• 53:25
  Speaker 3: letting that go. I can't tell you how amazing that is.
• 53:28
  Speaker 3: Just to like make amends with anything and everything, and
• 53:32
  Speaker 3: some people will accept your amends and some people won't
• 53:34
  Speaker 3: and that's just the life. It is.
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: Well it is, but you can't you can't fix it,
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: all right, but you can admit it, accept it, do
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: the things that you need to do, and then you
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: need to just move forward.
• 53:45
  Speaker 3: Ye, because there's so much more going on in life.
• 53:47
  Speaker 3: There's so much more for you to experience, like everything
• 53:50
  Speaker 3: that you think you've experienced, if you've done a lot,
• 53:53
  Speaker 3: like there's so much more out there.
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, no. And I like the piece about too
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: about utime talking about experiencing the towns that you're going
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: to and the things like that, because in the past,
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: when I would go to those places, all you do
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: is just go to the bar or you didn't even
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: look and see what's going on.
• 54:12
  Speaker 3: I never saw the outside of my hotel room. I
• 54:14
  Speaker 3: just saw the the salon and that was.
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: That, right, Yeah, So and even knowing that and now
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: look at the experiences, that's awesome, it's fun. Well, I'm
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: proud of you. I just yeah, And I mean I've
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: had the chance to know you for quite some time
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: and so I'm just seeing you now and the things
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: that you were accomplished is amazing.
• 54:35
  Speaker 3: Thanks.
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: So I'm so happy for you and just how far
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: you that you've come. And I just I appreciate you
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: being here and sharing your story and just inspiring other
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: people to you know, really show that you know it's possible,
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: you can do it. So nice to work better. Yes,
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: it does get better. Next time, pink hair here.
• 54:57
  Speaker 3: Wow, we'll do it on a video hair chronic live
• 55:00
  Speaker 3: stream it. We'll talk.
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll do hair. We'll do all the things.
• 55:03
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm down, all right. High five.
• 55:13
  Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us on this episode of Recovery Chronicles.
• 55:16
  Speaker 2: Find out more about hertviewat kurkvie dot org. And keep
• 55:20
  Speaker 2: moving forward, remembering the story is yours and you are
• 55:22
  Speaker 2: the author.