Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Secret to Raising Emotionally Strong Children

Transcript

The Secret to Raising Emotionally Strong Children · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. I've been thinking
0:08
Speaker 1: about a question that might sound strange, but it applies
0:11
Speaker 1: to us and it applies to our children. Do you
0:14
Speaker 1: feel worthy? Do you feel like your life has purpose?
0:17
Speaker 1: Please note I didn't ask are you worthy? That's a given.
0:21
Speaker 1: You're human, you have inherent worth, so do your children.
0:24
Speaker 1: But the question I'm asking is do you feel worthy?
0:27
Speaker 1: Do your children go to bed at night with the
0:30
Speaker 1: sense that you lived a life of meaning, that there's
0:33
Speaker 1: purpose to what you're doing. Because what I'm noticing consistently
0:38
Speaker 1: is that the feedback that I get when I run
0:40
Speaker 1: my Raising Resilient Kids presentation, which is the most popular
0:44
Speaker 1: presentation that I deliver by a long way, parents are
0:47
Speaker 1: desperate for their kids to be resilient, but the kids
0:51
Speaker 1: aren't doing the sort of stuff that makes you become resilient,
0:55
Speaker 1: the stuff that makes you feel worthy. Again, I emphasize
0:58
Speaker 1: the kids are worthy, they don't feel worthwhile they don't
1:03
Speaker 1: feel like what they're doing makes them worthy of anything
1:07
Speaker 1: at all. And I'm starting to think that we've got
1:09
Speaker 1: this whole purpose and worthiness and resilience thing backwards. So
1:14
Speaker 1: today on the podcast, Kylie and I are going to
1:16
Speaker 1: puzzle through a few big ideas that I've been playing
1:18
Speaker 1: with around this, like why doing hard things, not comfortable things,
1:25
Speaker 1: is the foundation of resilience and well being, and how
1:30
Speaker 1: I think that we're accidentally robbing our kids of resilience
1:32
Speaker 1: by making life too easy. Stay with us, gooday, Welcome
1:38
Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast where you get real parenting
1:40
Speaker 1: solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting
1:44
Speaker 1: podcasts where Justin and Kylie Courson were the parents. Have
1:46
Speaker 1: six kids who are surprising us with their resilience now
1:49
Speaker 1: and then. Although I will highlight at the outset, resilience
1:52
Speaker 1: often does not feel resilient. If you're in the middle
1:56
Speaker 1: of it, it can often feel really hard. Kylie. The
1:59
Speaker 1: word worthy. I love etymology, I love words. I love
2:01
Speaker 1: understanding where they come from. The word worthy comes from
2:03
Speaker 1: the Old English word. And I'm probably going to get
2:06
Speaker 1: this wrong, but it's we your pig. We're pick? Does
2:09
Speaker 1: that sound right?
2:10
Speaker 2: Well, we're a big I'm reading, yes, we o.
2:15
Speaker 1: It's sort of a p but it's a funny p
2:16
Speaker 1: because it's Old English and I'm not sure if it
2:17
Speaker 1: really is a peek I know, but worthy comes from it,
2:20
Speaker 1: we got a pig. Is that Old English that sounded
2:23
Speaker 1: a bit ivish. I don't even know if that sounded irish.
2:25
Speaker 1: I apologize to anyone who's Irish who's listening. But what
2:28
Speaker 1: it means in the Old English is having value or
2:31
Speaker 1: deserving of honor. And quite often when we talk about
2:34
Speaker 1: kids not doing well, what I've been thinking is, if
2:38
Speaker 1: you're laying on your bed scrolling TikTok, then you haven't
2:40
Speaker 1: done anything that's going to make you feel like it
2:42
Speaker 1: has value or as deserving of honor, and therefore you
2:46
Speaker 1: will not feel worthy. You are inherently as a human
2:48
Speaker 1: you are worthy, but the feeling of worth is different
2:52
Speaker 1: from the actuality of being a human who has inherent
2:56
Speaker 1: intrinsic worth and value.
2:58
Speaker 2: I think that at the court all of it, it
3:00
Speaker 2: comes down to each of us living a life of purpose.
3:03
Speaker 2: When we feel like we're engaged in a worthy cause,
3:07
Speaker 2: whatever that looks like, when we feel like we're using
3:11
Speaker 2: our gifts and talents to make a difference in the world,
3:16
Speaker 2: there's this sense of worthiness. So this is.
3:19
Speaker 1: Why I want to have this conversation with you, because
3:21
Speaker 1: I feel like we need to even bash that around
3:23
Speaker 1: a little bit when you say to an eight year
3:25
Speaker 1: old or a fifteen year old, what's the contribution you're
3:29
Speaker 1: making to the world, or what's your purpose as you've
3:32
Speaker 1: just highlighted, they just kind of look at you and go, huh,
3:36
Speaker 1: way too big. Don't have any comprehension of what you're
3:39
Speaker 1: talking about. My purpose? I don't know. Just give me
3:41
Speaker 1: my phone back, right, I just want to stare at
3:43
Speaker 1: my iPad on my laptop. And so here's this tension.
3:47
Speaker 1: You are worthy, your children are worthy, and that's a given.
3:51
Speaker 1: But worth is not just that you are worthy. The
3:54
Speaker 1: feeling of worthiness comes from what you do. It comes
3:58
Speaker 1: from living in alignment with your value, from contributing, from
4:01
Speaker 1: doing things that matter. And also often when we talk
4:03
Speaker 1: about this whole thing about purpose and meaning, their eyes
4:06
Speaker 1: glaze over. They're like, I don't know I even talk
4:08
Speaker 1: to adults about it. I feel like my life is
4:10
Speaker 1: so purposeful, right, I get to go around the country
4:12
Speaker 1: and spend my days talking to people about the most
4:15
Speaker 1: important thing in their lives. How do I make my
4:17
Speaker 1: family happier? That is so meaningful and it gives me.
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Speaker 1: It gives me so much purpose. I feel like I'm
4:23
Speaker 1: genuinely making a contribution to the world. But I talked
4:25
Speaker 1: to a lot of adults who go, well, I'm not
4:27
Speaker 1: because I'm selling real estate. That's what somebody told me.
4:30
Speaker 1: Just recently, somebody else said, I don't feel like I'm
4:33
Speaker 1: making any difference. I'm just driving a truck. I literally
4:36
Speaker 1: spoke to someone who said, I drive from the quarry
4:40
Speaker 1: to whatever the location is and I tip stuff out
4:43
Speaker 1: of my truck and that's it. Like, where's the purpose
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Speaker 1: in that. I'm just living from paycheck to paycheck and
4:48
Speaker 1: doing my thing. And so this conversation is really really
4:53
Speaker 1: hard to talk about and say, well, hang on, how
4:58
Speaker 1: do you get to feel.
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Speaker 2: Wor But it doesn't come down to our job.
5:02
Speaker 1: That's right, but too many people hear it and that's
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Speaker 1: where they go.
5:06
Speaker 2: It really is about who we are. So the conversations
5:09
Speaker 2: we have around the dinner table with our kids, we
5:11
Speaker 2: talk a lot about gratitude, but there are oftentimes where
5:15
Speaker 2: we tapped into who did you help today?
5:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, or what did you do that showed determination
5:19
Speaker 1: and persistence in the face of adversity.
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Speaker 2: And the thing is, we're not celebrating these massive achievements.
5:26
Speaker 2: We're celebrating that we took something off the top shelf
5:30
Speaker 2: for an old lady who couldn't reach the item that
5:32
Speaker 2: she was looking for, or taking the time to help
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Speaker 2: somebody across the road because they were struggling.
5:38
Speaker 1: Oh, can I virtue a signal a bit and show
5:39
Speaker 1: everyone how full of character and goodness I am and
5:42
Speaker 1: how worthy I am. I went and bought some prawns
5:44
Speaker 1: for dinner the other night, and while I was there,
5:46
Speaker 1: I thought, because I went to the proper seafood job
5:50
Speaker 1: here at law Above it, I just love and they
5:53
Speaker 1: had oysters and I was like, oh, I'm going to
5:54
Speaker 1: grab a dozen oysters. And they only charged me for
5:56
Speaker 1: the prawns. They didn't charge me for the oysters. But
5:58
Speaker 1: I didn't realize that until I was talking to and
6:00
Speaker 1: then I thought, I buy a lot of stuff here, like,
6:02
Speaker 1: surely I can have a dozen oysters for free. And
6:04
Speaker 1: then I was just like, is my integrity worth more
6:07
Speaker 1: than thirty dollars? I think it is. So I went
6:09
Speaker 1: back in and I said, can you just double check?
6:11
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure you didn't charge me unless I did
6:13
Speaker 1: two transactions without noticing. And she checked and she's like, no,
6:16
Speaker 1: I didn't. And then she was like that was so unusual.
6:18
Speaker 1: But I did something that was hard, and I did
6:20
Speaker 1: something that required some character, and I did something that
6:23
Speaker 1: was meaningful and made a difference. And yeah, it cost
6:26
Speaker 1: me an extra thirty bucks, but I walked out of
6:28
Speaker 1: there and I felt a million dollars even though I
6:30
Speaker 1: just spent an extra thirty dollars. And just this is
6:32
Speaker 1: the thing, right, If you never do anything worthwhile before
6:35
Speaker 1: you do is lay on the living room carpet and
6:36
Speaker 1: stare at a screen, which is what too many kids
6:38
Speaker 1: are doing. If you never struggle, if you never contribute,
6:40
Speaker 1: if you never pushed past your limitations, then you're not
6:43
Speaker 1: going to feel worthy. Regardless of the fact that you
6:45
Speaker 1: are worthy as a human, you're not going to feel worthy.
6:48
Speaker 1: And if you don't feel worthy, you're going to become
6:52
Speaker 1: an anxious, fragile person. You're going to feel like there's
6:57
Speaker 1: a little bit of an issue there.
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Speaker 2: You need data to support this idea.
7:02
Speaker 1: There are a couple of different places that I could
7:05
Speaker 1: go for this. The first is the research distinguished between
7:09
Speaker 1: two kinds of happiness. There's hedonic happiness and there's you
7:13
Speaker 1: dimonic happiness. The idea of hedonic happiness is avoid pain.
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Speaker 2: I think that's what most of us want right seek pleasure.
7:21
Speaker 2: We're looking were looking for the feel good hormones to
7:25
Speaker 2: kick in, and they require nothing.
7:27
Speaker 1: He Donic happiness is the Instagram reels. He Donic happiness
7:31
Speaker 1: is the bottle of ice cream in front of the TV.
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Speaker 1: He dontic happiness is hanging around with friends and just
7:37
Speaker 1: having a fun conversation. He Donic happiness is letting someone
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Speaker 1: else do the dishes. That's that's hedonic happiness. You domonic
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Speaker 1: happiness is meaning and purpose and growth. It's it's hard
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Speaker 1: in the moment, but it endures, whereas he dontic happiness
7:56
Speaker 1: fades fast. I'll give you a really concrete example. One
7:58
Speaker 1: of my one of my friends in the US who's
8:00
Speaker 1: a professor of psychology at George Mason University's named professor
8:03
Speaker 1: Todd Kashton. He uses the example, you can make a
8:07
Speaker 1: cake and eat it. That's hedonic happiness, and so you're
8:11
Speaker 1: wait too much of it, of course, but let's go
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Speaker 1: with that's hedonic happiness, but the feeling fades fast. Or
8:16
Speaker 1: you can bake a cake and then go and knock
8:18
Speaker 1: on the door of a friend or somebody that you'd
8:21
Speaker 1: like to be friends with and say hey, I made
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Speaker 1: you this, and then you can go in and eat
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Speaker 1: it together, and that's you don't monic happiness. It's harder.
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Speaker 1: It requires you to do something that could be potentially uncomfortable.
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Speaker 1: It takes time and effort, it requires more of you,
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Speaker 1: but it creates meaning and purpose and that's the key difference.
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Speaker 1: So if I was to you said, what's the data show,
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Speaker 1: I want to bring that data, that theory back into
8:46
Speaker 1: real life for a sec I think, and this is
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Speaker 1: a very broad brush. I know it doesn't apply to everybody,
8:51
Speaker 1: but I think that we're raising our kids on a
8:55
Speaker 1: hedonic diet, and I reckon you could probably give me
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Speaker 1: some really easy examples of how that works without even
9:01
Speaker 1: thinking about it.
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Speaker 2: I think the biggest one that comes to me is
9:05
Speaker 2: the kids say I'm bored. Yep, we hand them a
9:10
Speaker 2: screen because we don't have to deal with it.
9:12
Speaker 1: Then, or if we don't have them as screen, we
9:13
Speaker 1: just say, well, i'll fix it for you, and we
9:15
Speaker 1: find them something to do. And that thing that we
9:18
Speaker 1: give them to do it doesn't ever require anything of them. Right. Well,
9:22
Speaker 1: every now and again, some prenis will say, well, there's
9:23
Speaker 1: a car to be washed, there's a loan to be mote.
9:25
Speaker 1: There's some dishes in the thing, but usually it's like, well,
9:27
Speaker 1: let me find an activity that you will find pleasurable
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Speaker 1: and delightful and will require very little of you. Can
9:34
Speaker 1: you think of any other ways that we're raising kids
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Speaker 1: on a on a hedonic pathway.
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Speaker 2: When we kind of bribe them, we call it rewards,
9:42
Speaker 2: but in essence we're bribing them. We want them to
9:45
Speaker 2: do something hard and they don't see any point in it,
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Speaker 2: and so we sugarcoated, so wed.
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Speaker 1: Do this and you get that yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, perfect,
9:53
Speaker 1: And then of course we wonder why they're maybe not
9:56
Speaker 1: feeling worthy. Again, they are worthy, but they're not doing
10:00
Speaker 1: things or they're doing them for purposes and reasons that
10:03
Speaker 1: aren't working for them.
10:05
Speaker 2: They have struggles in their relationships, and we want to
10:07
Speaker 2: fix everything for.
10:08
Speaker 1: We send the email through to the school and say, well,
10:10
Speaker 1: we need to fix this. Yeah, so comfort again, comfort
10:15
Speaker 1: doesn't build a resilient struggle does. The other bit of
10:18
Speaker 1: data that I wanted to go to. There's a theorist,
10:20
Speaker 1: a psychologist, Mihi Chick sent me high and he studied
10:24
Speaker 1: flow and peak experiences, and what he found is that
10:28
Speaker 1: the moments when people feel most alive and most fulfilled
10:32
Speaker 1: and most engaged at the times when they are being
10:37
Speaker 1: stretched just beyond their current ability. So it's not too easy,
10:42
Speaker 1: it's not too hard, but it is just hard enough
10:46
Speaker 1: to not be just right. You know how Goldilocks is
10:48
Speaker 1: the not too hot, not too cold, but just right.
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Speaker 1: What chick sent me high. He's not looking for just right.
10:55
Speaker 1: He's saying, I want it to be too hard, but
10:56
Speaker 1: not too too hard, just that little bit beyond.
11:01
Speaker 2: We set a goal, and if we set something achievable,
11:06
Speaker 2: then there isn't too much effort needed to be put
11:10
Speaker 2: into it so that we can achieve it. But if
11:13
Speaker 2: we then add on just that little bit more of
11:15
Speaker 2: a stretch. So, say, my goal is i want to
11:18
Speaker 2: save one hundred dollars, and I've worked out that if
11:20
Speaker 2: I put two dollars fifty away each week for however
11:22
Speaker 2: many weeks, so I'm going to get there, And it's
11:24
Speaker 2: not a stretch at all for me to do it.
11:26
Speaker 2: It's just a goal. But I decide that I actually
11:30
Speaker 2: want to double that, and now I'm going to try
11:32
Speaker 2: and put away five dollars a week. That is a
11:35
Speaker 2: stretch because I actually need that extra two dollars fifty
11:38
Speaker 2: in my everyday life.
11:39
Speaker 1: But then how good does it feed?
11:41
Speaker 2: But I'm choosing t will go that extra two.
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Speaker 1: Dollars And when you achieve it, and you achieve it
11:46
Speaker 1: in half the time, you just feel so good. And
11:48
Speaker 1: that's where the growth happens. That's where you feel worthy again.
11:52
Speaker 1: You are worthy, But feeling worthy comes from our actions.
11:55
Speaker 2: Every four weeks in a gym, we change our exercise
12:00
Speaker 2: routine up, and every time we do it, I kind
12:04
Speaker 2: of look at you and go, there is no way,
12:07
Speaker 2: there is no way I can.
12:08
Speaker 1: Do that, and then four weeks down the track, smashing
12:11
Speaker 1: it out.
12:12
Speaker 2: Well, on day one, I can't do it. Oh, I
12:14
Speaker 2: actually can't do it.
12:15
Speaker 1: I've got a quote. We need to take a break.
12:17
Speaker 1: But after the break, I want to talk about what
12:19
Speaker 1: this means for parents, because we've got to be able
12:21
Speaker 1: to pull this together. But you've said that, and I've
12:23
Speaker 1: just remembered a really powerful quote that sums up exactly
12:27
Speaker 1: what's at the core of all this. I want to
12:29
Speaker 1: share that next because it's so inspiring, and some practical
12:33
Speaker 1: tips for what we can do to help our kids
12:36
Speaker 1: to be more resilient and to take on struggle when
12:38
Speaker 1: they're not that keen on doing anything hard. Stay with this,
12:49
Speaker 1: We're back. This is the Happy Famili's podcast. We really
12:51
Speaker 1: hope that you're enjoying the conversation about helping to raise
12:53
Speaker 1: resilient kids. Before the break, I mentioned a quote. It
12:56
Speaker 1: comes from the poet rayin Ak Realk realkey. I don't
12:59
Speaker 1: know if it's a real or a realki Rilk who
13:02
Speaker 1: said this, we grow by being defeated by greater and
13:06
Speaker 1: greater things, not by winning, not by succeeding, but by
13:09
Speaker 1: being defeated. We grow by being defeated. And when I
13:14
Speaker 1: read that quote just a few weeks ago, my brain exploded.
13:17
Speaker 1: It's a completely different framing to how we normally look
13:20
Speaker 1: at the challenges that we face in life. But your
13:23
Speaker 1: gym experience, our gym experience, is precisely that. I was
13:27
Speaker 1: watching a video of me the other day because the
13:29
Speaker 1: trainer took a video of me doing push ups. And
13:32
Speaker 1: this was back the very first day we were in
13:34
Speaker 1: the gym. Trainer said let's get some baseline measurements and
13:37
Speaker 1: just see where you're up to, and he just wanted
13:40
Speaker 1: me to do push ups until I was exhausted, untill
13:42
Speaker 1: I couldn't do anymore until I collapsed. And I won't
13:45
Speaker 1: say how many I did, but it wasn't very many.
13:47
Speaker 1: And after I watched it, I jumped straight down onto
13:50
Speaker 1: the floor and I pumped out more than probably about
13:54
Speaker 1: triple the push ups without even trying, without even breaking
13:57
Speaker 1: a sweat, and I just thought, oh, my goodness, I
13:59
Speaker 1: was defeated by that many push ups eight or ten
14:01
Speaker 1: weeks ago. But over the last eight or ten weeks,
14:04
Speaker 1: I've been defeated and defeated and defeated again, and each
14:07
Speaker 1: time I've learned how to defeat what defeated me. So
14:10
Speaker 1: therefore I've taken on the next challenge. And that's what
14:13
Speaker 1: you're highlighting with your gym experience. But we also experience
14:16
Speaker 1: it with the kids, and we want our kids to
14:18
Speaker 1: have those same experiences, because that's where the growth is,
14:21
Speaker 1: the meaning is the purposes.
14:22
Speaker 2: And I think sometimes we get caught up in the
14:24
Speaker 2: fact that we think resilience means that we never fall,
14:29
Speaker 2: Resilient means that we're strong, we're capable. But resilience is
14:35
Speaker 2: actually the act of falling down and picking ourselves up again.
14:41
Speaker 2: You can't be and time again.
14:43
Speaker 1: You can't be resilient if you don't fall like there's
14:46
Speaker 1: no indication that you are resilient if you don't have
14:49
Speaker 1: those failures, if you don't have those collapses.
14:51
Speaker 2: You have to experience it in order to be able
14:55
Speaker 2: to push past the challenge. You've got to actually push
14:58
Speaker 2: past it.
14:59
Speaker 1: You need dragons to slay. You need dragons to slay.
15:02
Speaker 1: Our kids need dragons to slay. I love this, and
15:06
Speaker 1: to go back to what you said before, and I
15:07
Speaker 1: don't want to rehash it too much because we've still
15:08
Speaker 1: got a couple of things that definitely need to be
15:10
Speaker 1: touched on. But as parents, we keep on seeing these
15:13
Speaker 1: dragons come up in our kids' lives and we think
15:14
Speaker 1: it's our job to slay the dragon. And so, like
15:16
Speaker 1: I said, we send the email to the school because
15:19
Speaker 1: they're dealing with some social conflict and we feel like
15:20
Speaker 1: we've got to step in and solve it. Or they're failing,
15:23
Speaker 1: and so we blame the teacher or they're bored, and
15:26
Speaker 1: we entertain them, like you said, and we keep on
15:30
Speaker 1: stealing their dragons, and when we do that, we rob
15:34
Speaker 1: them of the very struggles that make them strong. We
15:38
Speaker 1: grow by being defeated by greater and greater things.
15:43
Speaker 2: You've got a book on yourself called The Road to
15:47
Speaker 2: Building Character.
15:49
Speaker 1: The Road's Character David Brooks.
15:50
Speaker 2: By David Brooks. That's right. Yeah, And I found a
15:53
Speaker 2: quote in there that says, the central drama of life
15:57
Speaker 2: is the struggle against your own weakness.
16:01
Speaker 1: I feel like we're really going into some awesome territory today.
16:04
Speaker 1: I love this quote.
16:05
Speaker 2: It's not struggle against other people. It's not a competition
16:09
Speaker 2: for a status or achievement. It's actually the struggle against
16:12
Speaker 2: our own limitations.
16:14
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and that's the resiliance we're trying to build
16:16
Speaker 1: in our kids.
16:18
Speaker 2: Yeah. Can you do the hard thing when the easy
16:21
Speaker 2: thing is right there? Can you choose to do hard?
16:24
Speaker 1: Yeah?
16:25
Speaker 2: Yeah?
16:25
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah. So can you go and do the chores
16:27
Speaker 1: when you've got your screen in your hand?
16:29
Speaker 2: Well yeah, But if we go back to the gym,
16:32
Speaker 2: a new exercise is presented.
16:34
Speaker 1: I feel like we need a gym podcast.
16:37
Speaker 2: A new exercise is presented, and without even thinking about it,
16:43
Speaker 2: my body, and I assume lots of other bodies do
16:45
Speaker 2: the same thing, finds the easiest way to achieve it,
16:49
Speaker 2: not necessarily the right way. Yeah, it finds the easiest
16:53
Speaker 2: pathway to get to the end results.
16:55
Speaker 1: So we've got to rewire our brain to do the
16:57
Speaker 1: exercise with the right technique because that's where the growth comes. Yeah.
17:00
Speaker 1: Otherwise where what's the word we're pulling?
17:04
Speaker 2: We're compensating, We're over compensating.
17:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. This is a bit personal.
17:09
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're okay with this or not,
17:11
Speaker 1: but there's something that you we have a religious background.
17:14
Speaker 1: There's something that you say in your prayer each day
17:19
Speaker 1: that I'd love for you to share because I feel
17:20
Speaker 1: like it really sits neatly with what we're talking about here.
17:23
Speaker 2: It's been a big year of change for me and
17:27
Speaker 2: in mindset and struggling with keeping commitments to myself has
17:34
Speaker 2: been a really big thing. And I end up kind
17:36
Speaker 2: of falling off the bandwagon so many times because I
17:39
Speaker 2: feel like I'm just a failure. And so this year
17:43
Speaker 2: I want things to be different. And the one prayer
17:47
Speaker 2: that I have offered more times this year than ever
17:51
Speaker 2: before is give me greater capacity to honor the commitments
17:58
Speaker 2: I've made to myself.
17:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, So that's character.
18:00
Speaker 2: This is not about anybody else. It's literally about honoring
18:04
Speaker 2: those commitments that I am desirous to achieve in my
18:08
Speaker 2: own life, but often fall away because it's hard. Yeah,
18:13
Speaker 2: what I'm doing is hard.
18:15
Speaker 1: Speaking of commitments that we've made, I've made a commitment
18:18
Speaker 1: to keep this podcast short. How you going not well today?
18:23
Speaker 1: I just feel like this is such an important conversation.
18:25
Speaker 1: But let's get really practical and wrap it up and
18:28
Speaker 1: give some ideas to help parents guide their kids to
18:31
Speaker 1: make commitments that they fully endorse and value and then
18:34
Speaker 1: be keep those commitments. And we need to do it
18:36
Speaker 1: ourselves as well. Right, this is something that is This
18:39
Speaker 1: is not just about helping the kids to be resilient
18:41
Speaker 1: as adults. We're all trying to do this as well.
18:43
Speaker 1: We're all fighting these same battles. I'd love to run
18:45
Speaker 1: through a couple of things that we can do to
18:46
Speaker 1: help our kids do it. The first thing I think
18:50
Speaker 1: is that we need to let them choose hard things
18:54
Speaker 1: like have a conversation about what are you doing that
18:56
Speaker 1: makes you feel worthy? You are worthy, We love you
18:58
Speaker 1: no matter what. You could on your bed for the
19:00
Speaker 1: rest of your life and scroll TikTok and Instagram and
19:02
Speaker 1: we would still love you. You can play Red Blots and
19:04
Speaker 1: Fortnite forever. Well, still love you, but you're not going
19:06
Speaker 1: to feel good about yourself because you're not doing anything
19:09
Speaker 1: meaningful or purposeful, and you're not doing anything hard, you're
19:11
Speaker 1: not struggling, you're not growing, and life feels better when
19:14
Speaker 1: you do those things, and we want to support you there.
19:17
Speaker 1: So what matters to you, and whether it's going to
19:22
Speaker 1: the gym, ridding your bike with friends, learning how to surf,
19:25
Speaker 1: learning how to skate and drop into a bowl, learning
19:27
Speaker 1: how to whatever. Your kids might look at your blankly
19:30
Speaker 1: and say, I don't know at which point you say, well,
19:32
Speaker 1: let's try some stuff.
19:34
Speaker 2: So could you change the word from worthy to what
19:37
Speaker 2: lights you up?
19:38
Speaker 1: Of course? Yeah? Where can we have productive struggle? Where
19:42
Speaker 1: can we do hard fun those two concepts? Where can
19:46
Speaker 1: we experience distress and frustration? But because we value the
19:51
Speaker 1: activity or we value the people with so much that
19:53
Speaker 1: we're willing to sit through and tolerate the distress and
19:57
Speaker 1: frustration because that's going to help us to grow and
19:58
Speaker 1: learn and become more. But it might be a musical instrument,
20:01
Speaker 1: it could be a sport, could be art or drama.
20:03
Speaker 1: It might be academic work, doesn't really matter what it is.
20:07
Speaker 1: What can you do that's going to turn itself into
20:09
Speaker 1: productive struggle. The more voice your kids have in that
20:12
Speaker 1: the better. If they look at your struggle their shoulders
20:13
Speaker 1: and say munoh, then the great task is to say, well,
20:17
Speaker 1: let's start experimenting. Which brings me to my second suggestion,
20:22
Speaker 1: and that is that we've got to remember resilience is relational.
20:27
Speaker 1: You do more, you struggle harder, you push through tougher
20:31
Speaker 1: things when you've got somebody by your side who is
20:34
Speaker 1: a supporting you or b doing it with you. So
20:37
Speaker 1: if the kids want to play a sport, or want
20:39
Speaker 1: to play an instrument or whatever it is, let's say
20:41
Speaker 1: they're playing an instrument, get them into a band. Get
20:44
Speaker 1: them to team up with a couple of people and
20:45
Speaker 1: start writing their own music or start playing music together.
20:49
Speaker 1: Because once they start doing it together, they form that
20:51
Speaker 1: commitment and they will figure out that eight bars that
20:54
Speaker 1: they just couldn't work out because they're going to have
20:56
Speaker 1: to play it in front of somebody. The productive struggle
20:59
Speaker 1: is there. Resilience is relational.
21:02
Speaker 2: What's number three?
21:04
Speaker 1: The third thing that I would say is let them struggle,
21:07
Speaker 1: like when they're having a hard time, don't say while
21:10
Speaker 1: I'm here to slay this dragon for you. I would
21:12
Speaker 1: even use the word. We've never done this in our family,
21:14
Speaker 1: but I'm thinking about it right now. I think we
21:15
Speaker 1: should use the word. We always talk about how you've
21:17
Speaker 1: got to love the hills, the hills make it strong.
21:19
Speaker 1: But I'm wondering if we should start talking about how
21:21
Speaker 1: there are dragons and we could slay them for them
21:24
Speaker 1: by doing the job, or we can give the kids
21:26
Speaker 1: the tools and the support is relational to slay their
21:30
Speaker 1: own dragons.
21:31
Speaker 2: We can't tell them that they've got to go out
21:33
Speaker 2: and slay these dragons and do hard things if we're
21:35
Speaker 2: not willing to do it. Yeah, and if we find
21:37
Speaker 2: the easy way around everything, then why would they not
21:42
Speaker 2: do the same.
21:43
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm starting the week with a banger.
21:48
Speaker 2: I'm watching what's happening for me in the gym and
21:51
Speaker 2: how our kids, one by one, without us saying you
21:54
Speaker 2: need to get off your bottom, you need to move
21:56
Speaker 2: your bodies. One by one, they are making decisions that
22:00
Speaker 2: are pushing and stretching them. Not because we've dragged them along,
22:04
Speaker 2: but because they're seeing the change that it's having in me,
22:07
Speaker 2: and they want to do something that feels good.
22:10
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And if I go back to that New
22:11
Speaker 1: Zealand holiday that we had last year when we did
22:13
Speaker 1: that Central Rail rail through our targo one hundred and
22:16
Speaker 1: fifty k's four days, headwinds, rain hill.
22:20
Speaker 2: Panic attacks, anxiety.
22:22
Speaker 1: I'm not right or throwing the box.
22:24
Speaker 2: Got he knows is the whole thing.
22:26
Speaker 1: And then at the end of it, they said, can
22:28
Speaker 1: we do this again? We've realized that we can do
22:29
Speaker 1: hard things, and doing hard things makes life worthwhile. Damn Okay,
22:35
Speaker 1: let's call it there, because this could turn into a
22:37
Speaker 1: one hour podcast if we're not careful, and our time
22:39
Speaker 1: is well and truly done, and we want to keep
22:41
Speaker 1: our commitment to you because you choose to spend time
22:43
Speaker 1: listening to what we're talking about. So we really appreciate that.
22:46
Speaker 1: We hope that this has been a really valuable discussion.
22:49
Speaker 1: I want to underscore the key points I think they matter.
22:52
Speaker 1: Number One, your child is worthy, inherently, unconditionally by virtue
22:58
Speaker 1: of them being a human in your home. They are
23:00
Speaker 1: worthy and they need to feel that. However, if they
23:04
Speaker 1: want to feel worthy, if they're going to grow up
23:07
Speaker 1: with a deep sense of purpose and meaning and resilience
23:11
Speaker 1: and well being, they need to do hard things. Not
23:15
Speaker 1: because their worth depends on it. They need to do
23:17
Speaker 1: hard things because the feeling of worth comes from living
23:21
Speaker 1: a life that's aligned with values and contribution, contributing to
23:27
Speaker 1: something mean if it was something bigger than self. David
23:30
Speaker 1: Brooks love this quote, Kylie. I'm so glad you pulled
23:33
Speaker 1: this one out. The central drama of life is the
23:34
Speaker 1: struggle against your own weakness. Realkey, we grow by being
23:39
Speaker 1: defeated by greater and greater things, Kylie. I love what
23:44
Speaker 1: you said. Give me the capacity to honor the commitments
23:47
Speaker 1: I've made to myself. This is resilience. I'm feeling inspired.
23:51
Speaker 1: I'm ready for a big week. So this week our
23:54
Speaker 1: challenge for you, find one place where you've been rescuing
23:56
Speaker 1: your child from struggle and step back, not because it's
23:59
Speaker 1: easy for you, and not because it's easy for them,
24:03
Speaker 1: but let them face the dragon, not because you don't
24:06
Speaker 1: love them, but because you do. The Happy Families Podcasts
24:10
Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds
24:13
Speaker 1: provides admin and additional support, and if you'd like more
24:16
Speaker 1: about making your child more resilient, especially your ADHD child,
24:20
Speaker 1: check out our Parenting ADHD course available now at Happy
24:23
Speaker 1: families dot com dot We'll see you tomorrow.