Latest / Recovering Out Loud / From Gangs and Guns to Healing : Childhood Abuse to Finding Inner Peace

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From Gangs and Guns to Healing : Childhood Abuse to Finding Inner Peace · Recovering Out Loud

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I was actually figuring out who I really was, you know, so it
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took me 4 years to four years of introspection even where there's
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a point where as I was washing dishes and also my old self, my
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younger self popped in my head. And for that split, whatever
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second, whatever, I forgot I was doing dishes and I, I seen him.
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I was right there by him when he's crying and I told him why
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he crying. And he's like, you know, I hate
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my dad and this and that and he's crying.
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I'm like, don't worry, you're going through this for a reason.
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You know, what you're going through is going to make you
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tougher so you can handle it out there, you know what I mean?
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And at that moment, I just bawled like boogers, like like
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snot. And I just, I never cried like
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that in my life, man. It's just coming out, coming
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out. I'm like, where the hell is this
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coming from? It's shedding your old self, you
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know, really like tell my old, my younger self, it's OK.
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I, you forgive. I forgive everything.
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Don't worry about that stuff. You know, I mean, I forgive
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everything that's going on. Hi there, welcome back or
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welcome to Recovering Out Loud Podcast, the show where we get
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real about mental health and addiction.
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I'm so glad you're here. If you or someone you love is
1:10
struggling with drugs or alcohol, please reach out for
1:13
help. Send me a message on all social
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media platforms at Recovering Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at
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recoveringoutloudpod@gmail.com. You are no longer alone.
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What do your prayers look like? Or your meditation?
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What does that look like? Well, I don't meditate as much
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as I used to, but when I sit down I usually have that the
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bowl, the singing bowl that you know, those gongs kind of
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things. OK, I'll cleanse the area.
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Just just get good vibes in there and I'll sit down and I'll
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close my eyes and I started practicing on my breathing, you
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know, just focusing more on my breathing and just allow
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whatever to come in, to come in, come out, come out, just go by,
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you know, and there are times that I see things, you know,
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things pop up here and there, you know, I mean, and it's just.
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What do you see? Sometimes I see places sound
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like I used to see like little places in the mountain is weird
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man like. Not memories, but like new
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places. Yeah, I never, I never been
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there and in my life. Interesting, you know, like I'll
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see a little place in the mountain or see faces appear.
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And it's, it's not like human faces.
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It's really kind of disturbing, right?
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But I see faces come and once in a while I have conversations,
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then realize when I'm having conversations or just poof gone,
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you know, but I don't know what those are.
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But I'm pretty fairly new to meditation.
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It's only been a couple of years on and off.
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The first year was strong when I had that experience, right?
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And but now it's more like subtle.
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I get more tinglies like ringing the ears here and there.
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I get a lot of those lately so. Do you find that it takes you
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long to get to that state in terms of like when you sit down
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time or does it happen right away?
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It takes some time, yeah. Like when when I was more more
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consistent with it, it was quicker.
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But now that I've been away from it from some time to come back,
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I find that I kind of nod off a little and I have to realize I'm
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sleeping. Really.
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Like I start nodding off and I'm like, whoa.
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Yeah, meditation is one of those things for me that's, you know,
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for a long time I was trying to do it, right.
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And I've come to the realization that there is no, there is no
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way to do it, right? It's just you, you either do it
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or you don't do it. And that helped me a lot
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because, yeah, for for a lot of people, it's really tough to to
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meditate, right? It's really tough to sit down,
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especially if you have ADHD or I mean, we all have thoughts,
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1,000,000 millions of thoughts, right?
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But when someone told me to just just doing it and it does get,
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it does get better. It does get easier with
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practice, right? The more you do it, the more you
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can kind of calm down. And I was always taught that
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when those thoughts come up, you just for me, I'm a visual
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person. I just picture them as like
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bubble, like clouds disappearing in the air.
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Like there's the, the thought just kind of comes and then it's
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just like, right. Or it's like someone else told
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me to. It's like erasing words off a
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screen, like to try and picture your thoughts going like that,
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right? So that helped me.
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Yeah, just a lot of people, you know, a lot of times meditation
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people fear it too, is they're scared of their own self.
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They're scared to be by themselves, what their mind mind
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says to them or does to them. You know, being alone in your
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mind could be scary. You know, we know about other
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people more than we do about ourselves.
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You know what I mean? You can know that your best
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friend in and out, but to know yourself is that's a Gray zone
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for a lot of people. So to tell them, sit down,
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meditate, it's like it gets scary, you know, it's like your
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mind is very strong. It has its own personality at
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times, you know, So I, I get that.
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And you have no control over your thoughts, right?
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I think the lack of control scares a lot of people, right?
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Because we like to, I mean, at least for myself, I like to be
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in control of things a lot. You know, I like to feel like
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I'm in control. I like to feel like I, I, I know
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what's going to happen next, right?
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I, I don't like uncertainty. I don't like there's a lot of
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fear in that. But that's how you release it.
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Yeah, right. When, when, when you release the
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control, that's when the magic happens.
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You know, that's, that's all it is, is humans try to control
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things. You know, it's really comfort
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for your safety. You know, you try to control it,
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but if you let it go and I see some crazy stuff in my time, you
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know what I mean? There's a time I was meditating
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and prior to that, probably a week or a couple days, I was
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doing some meditation about seeing my guides.
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I really want to get in contact with them, you know, find out
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what their name is and stuff like that.
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So I was really meditating hard on that.
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And one time I closed my eyes and I seen, I don't know what it
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was. It was just like a, it looked
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like, like a cave. It was really dark and it's like
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walls, like a cave. But then there's this figure
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with a black hood, not a grim Reaper.
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It's like a hood over his face. Couldn't see his face is just
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standing there. And I was like, whoa, when you
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know, when you when you realize something, you shake this,
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usually things disappear. But that figure was still there.
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And I was like, whoa, look who you you know.
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Then I freaked out. I got up.
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Go. No, I'm done.
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Couple days later, driving by, it was on Bloor and Jarvis.
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There's a church there. There's a same hooded person
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standing outside the church like a statue, like, whoa, what the
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heck? That's exactly the statue.
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That's that's the figure I've seen.
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I wonder what that symbolizes. I haven't.
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One day maybe I'll have the courage to go and knock on the
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church. And what does that guy
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symbolize? You know, because that was
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exactly that person I saw in my meditation.
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It's bizarre. Do you think that the the
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universe got higher power, whatever you want to call it is
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kind of maybe directing you to go in there for some reason?
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Like what do you think? What do you think that means?
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I, I honestly, usually when I'm at the moment, I didn't think of
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much, but usually it takes time for me to look back and I think
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those are my guides, you know, but I kind of spooked them away,
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like I'm not ready for you guys yet, you know, like kind of
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feeling. So I haven't seen them ever
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since, but I think those are my guides.
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And sometimes they come in, obviously they're not human,
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right? So they, they, they come as is
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or and we just freak out, right? But.
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Yeah, to me, like a guide, a spiritual guide to me could.
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It comes in a number of forms. It comes through people, it
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comes through objects, things, maybe thoughts in my head,
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right. Voices sometimes not and, and
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not voices like, no, I mean, yeah, like we all have
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conversations in our heads, right?
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It's, it's completely normal. They could come as as news
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articles, as, as headlines on my phone, right?
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Like things that just kind of pop up and it's like, do I, I, I
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have two choices. I can pick it up or I can be
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like, that's fucking crazy, right?
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I don't, you know, whatever, right?
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Or I can dismiss it. And to your point, the more
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mindful I am, the more I can see those signs, those guides.
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And that's why meditation is so good for me, right?
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Yes, because. You nail the right there.
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It's the your awareness and have been an open mind, right.
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It was a lot of times we're so closed off, like, you know, that
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doesn't exist. You shut it off or or or ghost
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don't exist and you shut it off. Talking about getting
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goosebumps. A lot of goosebumps.
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Yeah, bro, you know what I mean? Yeah.
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So it's the mind that's closed. Yeah, this sort of contempt
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prior to investigation, right, where it's like you, someone who
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brings up an idea, no, like just completely your mind just shut.
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That's not real. That's not possible.
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That's not. And to me, this might sound a
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lot of like this. This whole episode might sound
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very woo woo to a lot of people. And for a long time, yeah, I
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thought this this was bullshit, this this spiritual life.
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But it's like, I don't know, I, I've just come to a place now
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where it's so much more fun and so much more.
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I don't know the, the, the opportunities are endless when I
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choose to believe in this stuff, then when I don't, right?
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And it's just, it's so much more freeing to believe that anything
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is possible, that because then I don't have any limitations,
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right? And, and I believe that like I
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can, I truly believe that I can do anything in this world if I'm
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willing to pay the consequences, right.
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There's certain things like maybe play in the NBA one day
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that physically I, you know, I can't do.
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But there's, there's not a lot of things that I can't do in
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this world. If I put in the time and put in
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the work, I put in the research to get it done right.
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There's a lot of examples of that in the world.
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Your power is your focus. You know, there's a lot of
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energy and focus. If you could focus your mind
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razor sharp into what you need to do, where you want to be, you
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know, instead of we're taught like in school, like when you
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grow up, what you want to do. What do you think?
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Those two questions right there? I I feel that there is wrong.
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It should be who you want to be. We're human beings, not human
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doers, right? We're beings.
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What do you want to be? And instead of thinking, what do
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you think? It's what do you feel right?
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We have to learn to feel things like when something's right, you
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feel it's right. When something's wrong, don't
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you get that knot in your gut like those are feelings?
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It's not it's not thinking. Thinking is for school, is for
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logic, right? But if you want to tap into the
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whole other side, everything is feelings, man.
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Intuition. Intuition, everything.
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It's all the insight. Like I explained to you earlier,
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four years ago, I would not be sitting here talking.
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About this, yeah, let's get into that.
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Yeah, it's like woo woo stuff that you said, right?
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I was, I was kind of embarrassed.
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I tried my open up a YouTube channel, but I was kind of
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embarrassed. Who's my my my friends will see
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me and the everyone's gonna think I'm crazy.
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You know what I mean? Because I'm a very straight
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person. Like I don't say stuff that it
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is, it's not there or whatever. It is you don't sugarcoat.
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Yeah, I don't sugarcoat stuff so, but this situation is just
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threw me off, you know? Yeah.
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So what happened? Yeah.
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Well, I was, I was, I was really debating on my life, like I lost
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my identity, you know what I mean?
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It's like I had my street friends.
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I had my friends that work legit and have my families, you know,
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my family as in my, my family, my parents and all that stuff.
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And had three different identities, right?
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Three different identities and they never intertwined, you
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know, even though I do hang with my street friends and my regular
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friends sometimes together. But it was, it was, it was crazy
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juggling. I don't know how I did it, you
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know what I mean? But at that time, it's like I
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lost my identity. It's like a I'm one person that
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I'm two person together and then my family.
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You're wearing masks everywhere. A.
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Lot of masks, a lot of masks. And, and in the end, it's like,
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who the fuck am I? You know what I mean?
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I'm talking to these people that I'm talking to these people and
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they're my family. I'm like, I don't want to live
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like this. And the stuff I was doing for
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money, it's like, yeah, you know, I was selling a lot of
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drugs. I was doing what I got to do.
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But sometimes it's it's not what I wanted to do.
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And I remember telling my wife that like, I, I can't do this
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forever. I don't want to do this no more.
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But how do I get out of this? This is all I know.
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My friends think I'm working. My street friends think I'm
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working and I tell them that it's just so whatever they're
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involved, it doesn't involve in me.
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There was a time where there was wars.
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I avoided that because I'm saying I'm working.
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I worked in the movies and I did work in movies for one month
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'cause my friend got offered me that job in the movies and I'm
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like, I'll take it and see what it's about.
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So I did work there for a month. I did record it and after that I
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used it and say I'm in the union now.
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You know, I work this and that. So when these guys from the
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streets call me out, I'm like I'm working tomorrow.
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I can't go out. So give me excuses.
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Stay away from them. I hang with my little my friends
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that have jobs by the same time, they don't really understand as
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well. Like it it it's weird.
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Like they're good people, but they don't understand real life
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like what I consider real life. So it's like they're good
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people. I grew up with them, but they
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can never fully understand St. life.
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I'm I'm very close to them. I grew up with people hustlers,
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drug dealers, murderers, but those are, I feel most
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comfortable with those. People, you have bonds, yeah,
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strong bonds, I. I understand them and I got, I
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can understand them, you know, and I feel the closest to them.
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So weird as it sounds, you know, if, if I was in a room and I
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have my life depended on it, of course I'm going to the street
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people. You know what I mean?
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Because I I know that they'll have my back.
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To have your back, yeah. Or at least I think you know
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what I mean. And then my family side, I'm the
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good son. You know, I put my mom through a
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lot of grief when I was growing up.
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You know, cops come a lot of crap, you know what I mean?
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So yeah, but like, I lost my identity.
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I didn't want to do my job no more.
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So I start, it was weird how I start coming these time frames
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of right now when I'm explaining it, I'm trying to piece it
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together because things were happening so fast at that time.
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I start finding YouTube. I don't know where it came up.
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I Start learning to meditate. I just, first of all, I'll put
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on the music and just meditate. And it felt really good.
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I'm like, holy shit, man, I started doing that.
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I start doing affirmations, listening to at night, I'll put
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it on the earbuds and just sleep with it.
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And then one day I was just driving and the radio came on
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and it said something about angels and I, I turned it up and
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I, I don't know why we're talking about some angels.
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I'm like, 'cause I'm not a spiritual, I'm not a religious
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person. I don't believe in none of that
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stuff. Like I said before up my
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upbringing, I believe my motto was it's better to rule in hell
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than to serve in heaven, you know, but you do what you got to
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do in life, you know what I mean?
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It was almost like you rather kill the innocent than let the
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guilty free even, you know? But anyways, I'm getting off
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track. No, no, it's good.
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I, I mean, I'm, I'm interested to, to hear more about how you
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got into the street life and what that did for you for a long
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time. Like obviously it did did a lot
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for you mentioned connections too, right?
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How did you get into that? Well, growing up, I got my ass
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whooped at an early early age, like a really early age and it
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it worsened off and I failed in Grade 1 and I don't know how
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kids fall in fell in grade one, but the teacher failed me right?
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I remember she grabbed me by the arm.
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I could, I didn't know, I didn't know to speak English at that
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time. But I still remember her name
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until now. I'm 46 years old.
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I remember my Grade 1 teacher, Miss Wu, you know what I mean.
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I remember her. She's probably long gone now,
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but she played a role in my life as well, right?
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But she grabbed my arm, I pushed her, she smacked the shit out of
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me and she told me you're going to fail.
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I, I couldn't understand exactly what she meant, but I knew
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something was wasn't right. But anyways, went home.
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They, they called my dad. My dad explained to me,
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explained to him. So I thought, you know what, the
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teacher hit me. I'm going to explain to my my
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dad, he's going to have my back. He beat the shit out of me, you
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know, because in his, that generation is a teachers and the
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people authority are always right.
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Your kids are never right. So anyways, he beat the shit out
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of me and for the longest time, he'll call me stupid.
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That's my nickname in the household, right?
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So every time my dad's friends will come over or this is my
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brother, this is my son, this is my other son, this is my
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daughter, this is my son, stupid.
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And it was like you could see in that my friends, my dad's
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friend's face, they were like, you know, they're not they're
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awkward, right? But at the same time, I want to
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get up and just yell at them and go fuck you, you know?
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But we used to get beat so much like cops will come to our house
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and and make us go in the garden, lift up the shirts
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because their neighbors are calling the cops.
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They were screaming lift up the shirts and cops are asked me,
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you know, looking around goes, does your dad hit you?
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And I was so close saying, yes, they take him in jail.
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But then I looked at a cop and go, no, he never hits me, you
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know what I mean? We go back to beating and our
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beatings were not like normal beatings, man.
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Like there's times I get tied up by these elastic, black elastic
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bends. He has his thick ones.
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I'll tie my legs like this, my arms and legs, they'll just whip
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me with those sticks, you know what I mean?
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And just when I'm done, I'll throw them into the corner, shut
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the lights off. And if I scream, I get my ass
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beat even more. He'll come down, give me more
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beatings, you know what I mean? Or psychological beatings will
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be like if I cause trouble or acted up that day or say it was
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a Sunday, it goes, OK, next Saturday you're going to get it.
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So he gives it a whole week to think about it.
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And when that Saturday comes, I'm like, oh, morning comes,
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afternoon comes. He doesn't do nothing.
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Oh, he forgot. Thank God.
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That evening comes. Let's go downstairs.
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Now I'm like, oh, happened to a point where, you know, when you
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get beat so much, you just cry to give him the satisfaction
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When he's done, it was like, whatever, you know, it doesn't
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hurt no more, right? Or if I was bleeding a little, I
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start ripping, you know, like I start opening up that cut more
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and I'll make sure the blood goes on the fucking stairs drip
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down just so my mom could bitch at him.
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I always blame my mom too at that times.
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Like why'd you tell dad I was acting up?
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Or why don't you do something when it beats me?
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Why don't you stop it? So I I start building resentment
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on her there until that one day I see her stand up for me
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because I choked a lot when I was a kid with food.
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So I used to run and get those cups back then you don't have
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big cups. He had those little cups like
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this. So I always filled it up and
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drink it and I was choking hard. But I see my dad when I get up,
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my mom, you know, and my dad goes, no, you're not getting up
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with no more water. And I start choking.
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I'm like, you know, my mom goes, gets up, goes go get water.
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He gets something Dexter right in the face.
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And that's the first time I've seen that.
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I was like, my mom doesn't have my back.
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But I was so angry at that time. Honestly, if I was a little
18:21
older, I'd probably take them out.
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And that's how angry it was, you know.
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But it wasn't until later on. Those beat me so bad when I went
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down to the kitchen while they after they beat me, they went to
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the living room and you know, there's a little ledge that
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separates the living room and the kitchen.
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I went in there, I got the biggest knife I got.
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I remember I was like 7 years old as eight years old Max.
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I went in there. I stuck it right here, right
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between the, the chest where I slid the dent.
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I put the tip right there and I was like, I looked back, I
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looked at them and I had the image where like once I plunge
18:53
it in, I want to pull it out and I'm going to spread the bloody
18:56
hell over the walls. And then my mom's going to freak
18:58
and they're all going to have a heart attack.
19:00
Imagine that and I was crying at the same time, but I put it in
19:04
and I could feel the tip. But it wasn't that time, man,
19:08
you know what I mean? I was so angry, like I just
19:12
couldn't do it. Plus I was scared.
19:13
That was at 7 years old. 7-8 tops, Yeah, damn tops.
19:17
But I put it back and I just like, you know what, for the
19:20
next several, several times, I'm just going to, I'm just going to
19:23
endure it, right. But all these beatings, I
19:25
understand what it was now, where I was going and where my
19:30
head was heading. I need to be fucking tough.
19:33
There's no no room for being a pussy out there, you know what I
19:35
mean? I'm getting goosebumps, a little
19:37
watery, but you know what I mean?
19:38
It's like I need to be that, that kind of man, you know what
19:43
I mean? It's like my mind is, is, is is
19:46
pretty conditioned now, right? So things I could, I could
19:49
endure by myself, you know? But yeah, but wasn't too long.
19:54
I get into a lot of fights growing up, really big fights,
19:57
like a lot of fights, you know? But it wasn't till upgrade. 9 or
20:01
10, yeah. I had problems with these
20:03
Vietnamese guys at high school. That's when it got real serious.
20:07
There's a whole bunch of them, you know, back in these
20:10
Vietnamese people always hang big groups, you know, you, I'm
20:13
minding my own business. They come up, bump into me.
20:16
This little guy, you know, really like 2 foot nothing guy.
20:19
I don't know what he was. Short guy bumped into me and
20:22
looked at him. He was like, he was like, what's
20:25
up? You know?
20:25
And he let everything go. Next thing you know is they all
20:29
come after Select like it was a break time.
20:31
They all come like, you know what's going on with Vietnamese?
20:34
Why? Why are you causing trouble, my
20:35
friend? And I'm like, how much trouble
20:37
you mucked into me? You know, me goes over all
20:39
Vietnamese. Squash it.
20:40
OK, Squash it. And at this time, I had a chip
20:43
on my shoulder as well. You know, it's just like, ain't
20:46
nobody going to pick on me and get away with it, you know what
20:48
I mean? It's like you can't do what my
20:50
dad did to me all these years. 3-3 days passed.
20:54
I thought I was all squashed. I do carry a knife on me, you
20:57
know what I mean? At all times, you know what I
20:59
mean? I had to chip on my I know I'm
21:00
going to, if I have to take someone, I'm going to take
21:02
someone. You know, I'm not going to think
21:03
twice. But three days later, I thought
21:06
everything was squashed. I walked by with my friend.
21:09
I hear bells ringing. Like holy shit, why is there
21:12
bells ringing? Like it was really loud when I
21:15
realized it's not bells is out. I'm getting pounded by, you
21:17
know, back those poo poo cues you could take apart.
21:20
They're a smashing my head 6-7 of them beating me and that's
21:23
where I was hanging the ringing from.
21:24
But I was just walking and feeling no pain, no nothing.
21:27
I just hear it ringing. I'm like, holy shit, church
21:29
bells are going off. And when I turn around I'm like,
21:32
I still have the scars and you see it lightly and I was like
21:35
about 1415 I seen bash the shit out of me.
21:39
Then that's like I dropped my bag.
21:40
I start running and then I heard a voice in my head.
21:43
Why are you running for pussy? Stop running and fucking fight
21:47
them. Stop being a pussy and running
21:48
like this. I stopped.
21:50
I turned around. I couldn't fight them.
21:52
There's too much of them, but they I let them beat the shit on
21:55
me. So they really beat me, but they
21:57
couldn't take me to the floor. In my life.
21:59
I probably fell to the floor once.
22:02
That was once in my life. I'm very hard headed guy.
22:07
They all took off. When they took off, I heard that
22:10
voice again. Go get them, go get them.
22:13
And there's things that my face felt squished in.
22:15
I could hear people's voices, like whoa, what the all these
22:18
voices. It was weird, like the sounding,
22:20
you know, like, hey, what's up? It's like that, a whole bunch of
22:23
different voices. Then the curious voice came
22:26
Uncle's go get them. I was like, oh shit.
22:29
I remember my knife. I pulled it out, ran after the
22:32
guy. That's right at Bathurst and
22:33
Harbour. One guy stayed back.
22:36
He he like this. I held the knife underneath here
22:38
so he couldn't see it. So I ran up to him and I said
22:41
today's his day, he's gone. He's gonna be the first guy I'm
22:45
taking out ran up to him. He swung a blocked and I got him
22:49
right here first right in the neck area.
22:51
He bent over and I just went this on his back.
22:54
He moved over to his ribs and fed him into his ribs.
22:57
He fell down and said stabbing and stabbing him until I felt
23:00
something in my hand. I was like, oh fuck the blade
23:02
broken. I was like it was cutting my own
23:04
hand. And when I stopped, I remember,
23:06
only thing I remember is, is this lady, this white lady's
23:09
face in in the car, her jaws are open.
23:12
She's like looking at me like, what the heck?
23:14
That's when I realized, like, it's time to get the hell out of
23:17
here. Yeah, but cops came, took me
23:21
away. That's my first incident.
23:24
Went to jail, you know so. How old are you?
23:28
14151415 or something like that. So that's my son's age right
23:33
now. And I haven't told him anything
23:35
about my past life, Right. But yeah, as I talk about this,
23:41
my ego, I could feel my ego and hyped up about it, you know,
23:44
that like the excitement, it's crazy.
23:46
Like a lot of times I try to shut it down, but it it, you can
23:51
never fully get rid of it. It's always there.
23:52
You got to coexist with it. But just know it's there as long
23:55
as you're aware of it, you know? But yeah.
24:00
What I have to ask this but the other kid does he what happened
24:05
to him? He lived, he lived, they all
24:09
carried him to the hospital, you know, he lived in.
24:13
He, he said it hurt a lot and he kept changing the stories,
24:16
right? So that's, that's the reason I
24:17
beat that charge. His story changed later on when
24:21
I went to jail again. I met his friend in there, one
24:24
of his buddies there that day. And he's saying that he didn't
24:27
want to rat because his mom made him rat, you know what I mean?
24:30
But whatever it was done when, you know, I mean, I was at that
24:34
time. I'm like, you know what?
24:34
I'm glad I did what I did because it's going to teach him
24:38
a lesson for the rest rest, rest of his life.
24:40
When he lifts up that shirt to take a shower, he's gonna
24:42
remember my face, you know what I mean?
24:45
That's what you get. You know, you sometimes you
24:48
think you might have a big group, you might feel brave, but
24:51
you never underestimate somebody's violence level.
24:53
Especially nowadays, yeah. I mean, it's so scary nowadays.
24:57
Like, you don't know, like I bet you those guys never thought
25:00
that that was going to happen, right?
25:01
How do you look back on that now?
25:03
Like, how do you like, how do you feel about that now?
25:07
I, I look at that and it's very senseless.
25:11
It could have been avoided, right?
25:12
It could have been avoided so easily.
25:14
That's the of experience and advice I'm teaching my kids.
25:18
Like one thing that happened, change your life in the blink of
25:21
an eye. You have to be aware of that
25:23
situation and just walk. You don't lose nothing by
25:26
walking away. You know what I mean?
25:28
And I know my son's into basketball right now.
25:30
So I told my experience where instead of stabbing, I said I
25:33
punched that guy so bad he went to the hospital.
25:35
And because of that, I got expelled.
25:37
You know, I lost everything. You know, I did play basketball
25:40
at that time, too. And after that, sports was done
25:43
for me. Yeah, you know.
25:45
Yeah, it's almost like you, you hit a road and you're, you
25:47
either choose the street life or you choose the academic, you
25:50
know, sports life, right. So I guess, you know, you ended
25:54
up choosing the the street life for a while and you want to talk
25:56
more about like what happened after that?
25:59
Yeah, it's like after that I got bail.
26:02
My parents bailed me out. I was just wandering around it.
26:06
It was a it was a depressing time, you know what I mean?
26:09
But it wasn't too long after that.
26:10
That's like, I got to make money, you know?
26:13
So I was like, how can I make money?
26:16
This is this is the first time being exposed to like, I'm
26:19
looking around them. I grew up in the hood, you know,
26:22
some people always selling crack around, you know what I mean?
26:24
I'm like, all right, let's start.
26:27
I don't have money to start. So I said, you know what, let's
26:30
do this. I got chestnuts.
26:32
I'll break up the chestnut into like big 20 pieces, you know
26:35
what I mean? Wrapping in a bag and I start
26:37
going through those. What do you call them?
26:39
Junkies? And I'm like, what do you want?
26:42
And he wants this. I'll give it to him to find it
26:43
Mini. He gives me the money.
26:45
I start walking and running. He looks at it.
26:46
He goes, hey, I got my freaking money.
26:49
And that was the first taste of money.
26:50
You know, I'm like, all right, start doing into robberies,
26:55
start robbing them. Then after that start robbing
26:57
people. You know what I mean?
26:58
And it it, it escalate each time it's it's start getting more
27:02
violent. And you know, a lot of times my
27:04
friends will be like, you'll just chill, you know, but like
27:07
I, I have this. What do you call that in
27:09
Vietnamese in translator? It'll be like crazy blood.
27:13
It's like when I fight people as well.
27:15
I I'll stomp people and when it starts twitching and foaming,
27:18
all these shit coming out of the mouth, my friends have to pull
27:21
me away because when I see blood and stuff, I go, it gets me off,
27:25
you know, like I want to see more like, and they go, you're
27:28
going to kill that guy. I go, what do you think I'm
27:30
trying to do? You don't jump on someone's head
27:32
2 foot if you're not trying to kill them.
27:34
You know, you don't. I don't hit for fun, you know
27:36
what I mean? Because I believe if, if you
27:39
nobody's going to show you mercy.
27:41
If vice versa, if I was on the ground, don't fucking give it to
27:43
me. So why give mercy in the
27:45
beginning? You know, if you're going to do
27:47
it, do it. If you're not going to do it,
27:48
don't do it at all. Right.
27:50
I mean, that's all you knew growing up, right?
27:52
That's it because like I said, you know, my dad beat the shit
27:55
out of me man. And and the first time, first
27:59
time I actually got my balls up was this black guy like he
28:04
picked on me a lot. Then one day I just pushed him
28:07
all right, just going back again.
28:08
I push him on the floor and I thought he's going to get him
28:10
whoop my ass because I'm going to call my older brother after
28:13
you. And I realized, holy shit, this
28:16
guy looks scary enough to me, but looks or nothing, you know?
28:20
But yeah. But anyways, going back a
28:24
robbery start escalating, then got caught with two guns after
28:27
that again. You know what I mean?
28:29
It was it wasn't it wasn't real guns B BS BB guns.
28:33
Me and my buddy got 2 BB guns and start robbing people.
28:36
And the cops came and arrested us for that.
28:39
We got caught again. So the second time I went in was
28:42
after I beat that charge, after I beat that charge, before I
28:46
beat that charge. Oh yeah, that stabbing charge.
28:48
My mom took me to this place. It's like a inside someone's
28:51
house. It's like a psychic.
28:53
I don't believe in none of that shit.
28:54
Before I didn't understand a word what that Lady was saying.
28:56
But when she started her, her voice changed and I almost
29:00
laughed. I was holding it in so bad, you
29:02
know, I was like, but her voice is really high pitched change.
29:05
But then my mom explained to me, she goes, you're going to beat
29:07
this charge. But in the summer she sees
29:11
something. Either either I want to go in
29:12
jail for a long time or she sees a lot.
29:15
I'm going to a lot, a lot of blood in me, like leaking out,
29:18
like I'm going to be bleeding a lot or whatever.
29:21
Come to that time I beat that charge.
29:25
Couple months later in that summer, I got arrested with
29:27
those guns for armed robbery. I was like, holy shit, man.
29:31
You know what I mean. Coincidence or not, right?
29:32
It played out exactly like that. But the second time I went in,
29:38
it was a camp to me, you know what I mean?
29:41
You're young. You're young still.
29:42
You're hot, hot blooded. You meet connections in there,
29:45
you know what I mean? Yeah.
29:46
We had a few racial wars in there, was the Asians against
29:49
the blacks and blah, blah, blah. But, you know, we stand the
29:53
ground. We fight it.
29:54
We fight, you know? And it was an experience, that's
29:59
for sure, man. Yeah.
30:00
And then so you get out of there and then I guess you do, you
30:03
start to participate in gangs and stuff now, like what?
30:06
What does that look like? There's a lot of people like I
30:08
never got into gangs, like I never got into gangs, but I'm
30:12
always associated with people like like that do business like
30:16
the Killers or the Hustlers. And it's just, it's like a
30:19
community. Everybody knew everybody.
30:21
But eventually people are going to beef here and there.
30:23
But like I never into like joining that.
30:26
That's kind of lifestyle, you know what I mean?
30:29
I always like making my money, but be more quietly, right?
30:33
I, I was just a kid. I never liked to be loud loud.
30:36
I used to make my money and just.
30:38
The attention. Yeah, you know what I mean?
30:40
But yeah. And then so I guess years go on
30:45
like this. How, how does one make the
30:48
transition from that life into where you are now and going back
30:51
to school and, you know, becoming a, a social worker and
30:55
practicing Reiki even like how do you make, how does was there
30:58
a moment where everything kind of changed or how did that play
31:01
out? Like I said, I lived a life.
31:06
I even went to Vancouver, grew weed at a time when it's
31:08
popular. I was around as everything.
31:11
We did a lot of fucked up shit up there too, man.
31:13
It got really bad, you know, I mean, we're the point where it's
31:16
like I even got shot at up, but they're in the car, you know
31:19
what I mean? It got really violent.
31:21
So but up to this point was about my, it was during COVID, a
31:26
year after COVID, that's when I start asking questions about my
31:29
life, really debating about it, right.
31:31
And the Angel thing came on the radio and I asked like, you
31:35
know, there's no angels. You know this angels prove it
31:37
change the radio station, they didn't change.
31:40
And I was like, see all this bullshit.
31:43
I was like 2 days later had a dream and I remember this dream.
31:50
I went to sleep, I put the headphones on and listened to my
31:52
affirmations like I usually do. And next thing I see Michael
31:55
Jordan come in my room. I'm like Michael Jordan.
31:58
I was like he comes sit beside my bed in my room.
32:00
He's talking to me about life. I'm like, I used to look up to
32:03
you man growing up, you know you everything was about basketball
32:05
when I was younger, you know what I mean?
32:08
That was my escape, you know? So I was like oh shit, you're
32:12
here. But then realized when I
32:13
realized like what are you doing in my room?
32:14
When I realized, like when I realized I'm dreaming, you know,
32:18
it's like that state where you like, I'm in my own dream and
32:21
like what are you doing in my dream?
32:22
The lucid kind of dreaming, yeah.
32:24
Yeah, it's like when I asked him like what you doing in my dream?
32:27
He smiled and his face changed and it was another face and it
32:31
was a lot of goosebumps, man. But it was like a orange glow,
32:35
like it was it was a it was a nice.
32:37
It wasn't so bright where you can't see buzz.
32:40
It's like a it's like a, a aura, you know what I mean?
32:43
And I seen his face. It was a male face.
32:45
And he hugged me. And he goes, you know what?
32:47
Just repeat these words after me.
32:49
Repeat my words. I'll take care of you, you know,
32:53
I'll help you out. And I go, OK.
32:55
And he hugged me. And that, that hug was swear to
32:57
God, I never felt even my own mom's hug.
32:59
Don't feel that nice, you know what I mean?
33:01
It was warm. It was really, really warm.
33:04
Like it's almost like you're going to be OK hug, you know?
33:06
It's like that kind of warm hug, you know?
33:08
But I woke up. My eyes were open wide out.
33:11
I got up. I'm like, well, what the hell
33:12
was that? You know, and the words that he
33:15
I was repeating from him was the affirmation that I was listening
33:18
to it just lined up like that. And I'm like, I took it off from
33:21
the holy shit, what the hell happened?
33:23
You know, this is not a dream. This this was something else.
33:27
I went outside to meditate on the on the sofa.
33:29
My wife was sleeping and I was like, fuck, this is like look at
33:32
that times like 333340I went outside to meditate, close my
33:36
eyes and I felt I felt this. I felt I know it's it was that
33:40
Angel. I don't know if it's an Angel,
33:42
but I'm assuming it's an Angel because that's what I asked for,
33:45
right? But I felt and press it down my
33:47
head right on top of here, like it was just right down like a
33:52
press down, you know. Then after I sit there, I still
33:56
treat me up to to this to this day.
33:58
But two days later I was that that's when I lost my mind.
34:00
I was going through the spiral and what the Hell's going on
34:03
trying to figure it out. Two days later I have meditated
34:06
again. I go show me a sign, give me
34:09
proof that I'm not going crazy and this is actually happening.
34:12
It was during April about four years ago.
34:16
This April was different kind of April.
34:17
Everything was dry Gray, no grass, no leaves, no nothing.
34:21
It was just looks like a Gray, Gray wet day.
34:24
April. I go show me butterflies
34:26
tomorrow. You know, I want to see
34:28
butterflies because I know there's no insects or nothing
34:31
out there. I was about to say show me like
34:33
a blue, purple butterfly, but what's the odds of seeing that?
34:37
So I'm like, just show me a butterfly next day.
34:40
I've been driving around looking for it all day.
34:41
I'm looking for it, you know, any kind of butterfly.
34:44
Just so you know. Let me know.
34:45
I'm not going crazy. See nothing.
34:47
When I started to pick up my kids after school, I seen my
34:49
first white butterfly fly across the street.
34:52
The time I picked them up, picked my other kid and my wife
34:55
went home and seen seven butterflies.
34:57
They're all white and just wasn't sure.
35:00
I'm gonna make sure I wasn't crazy.
35:01
I asked my son, is that a butterfly?
35:02
He goes, yeah. And the weird, that was not only
35:06
the weirdest part, it gave me a goosebump and my heart was
35:08
sinking in my stomach. I'm like, oh man, this is
35:11
actually happening. You know what I mean?
35:12
Like, like it's like the excitement almost like, but at
35:15
the same time, it's scary. It says this is real, man.
35:19
Wasn't that was April. It wasn't July that we all of us
35:22
are seeing like butterflies come out.
35:25
So there's a big gap in between just to let me know like this,
35:29
this is real. And from that point on,
35:31
everything changed, like my experience changed.
35:34
That was for me, it was, it was my wake up call man, Like stop.
35:37
What the fuck you doing? Because now this, like I said in
35:41
class, would you still do the same thing you do now if you
35:44
knew someone was watching? And I know there's a higher
35:48
power up there. And I dropped everything.
35:51
I threw away my phone, I just threw it away, flushed the stuff
35:55
down the toilet that had other stuff.
35:57
I, I talked to my guys that I had left and I, I told him, I'm
36:01
sorry, you know, I'm sorry for being this guy, like giving it
36:04
to you all this time. You know what I mean?
36:06
It was about money and everything, but I'm sorry, you
36:08
know, I had to go put you through this and they're saying,
36:11
you know what, it wasn't you. It wasn't you would have been
36:13
someone else. But I told him, you know, this
36:16
all I can do for you. I'd rather you get help and get
36:19
off this. But if you want, you can have
36:22
this so you don't have to at least pay for it.
36:26
You're talking about like the addicts that you were dealing
36:28
with. Yeah, Yeah.
36:28
And, and some of them will give it to me.
36:31
I go. You sure he goes?
36:33
Yeah. So I gave him like it was a lot,
36:36
man. It's like one of them wanted
36:37
about $40,000 worth. I gave him $40,000 worth.
36:40
The other guy took about probably 5, five, $6000 worth.
36:44
And the rest were is more pure. I just flushed it.
36:47
And that stuff will fuck people up.
36:49
They don't know what they're doing.
36:50
So I just flushed the rest away. And the phone that broke it up,
36:53
threw it away, you know what I mean?
36:55
And it's just like, that was it that that's sealed my family's
37:02
fate. No money's coming in at this
37:04
point now, but I had to do it because it's the right thing to
37:10
do. You, you cannot hurt people like
37:13
that. You know what I mean?
37:14
Like it came to a point realization now, like, like it
37:18
was like, everybody is a human, everyone has a soul down to
37:22
animals now to a point where if I see a cockroach or a bug, I
37:26
pick it up, throw it outside the house.
37:28
If I see like a little bug moth come in, release it, I don't
37:32
kill nothing, at least not on prison.
37:33
If I crush hold it, I crush it by accident.
37:36
If I crush it by accident, then I I say sorry but everything
37:39
down to twigs on the tree. I don't break it off.
37:42
Because they all have feelings, man.
37:44
Just because we don't understand something or we can't, they
37:47
don't speak our language, doesn't mean it doesn't have a
37:49
life, doesn't mean it doesn't know how to hurt, doesn't know
37:52
how to cry, doesn't mean no one knows how to mourn, right?
37:56
It might look different to us, but imagine what those bugs look
37:58
at us and go look at us and what they say, you know what I mean?
38:03
Same with spiders. Scrap it, put it outside the
38:06
house, let them, let them live, you know?
38:09
But that experience changed me, man.
38:11
It's just, it's, it's just how it is, right?
38:16
Like even the weird things. Even 2 days ago, I just wanted
38:20
to confirm because, you know, I just want to make a
38:22
confirmation. I'll go listen.
38:24
I talked to my guides. I go listen.
38:26
I just want, I just want like a confirmation again, you know,
38:29
just show me butter, not butterflies.
38:33
What's that? Ladybug.
38:35
Let a ladybug be near me. Two days ago, my wife came out.
38:39
She goes, oh, she woke up before me, went in the washroom.
38:42
He's like, oh, this bug. I said OK.
38:45
Then I was brushing my teeth. She goes, oh, there's another
38:47
one. I go, what kind of bug?
38:49
She showed me. It's on a shirt.
38:51
There's a ladybug inside the house, you know what I mean?
38:54
So I say, OK, that's my confirmation.
38:56
You know, I mean, I get numbers as well that I I see numbers of
39:01
how how it connect, how we contact a girl.
39:04
What's that word I'm trying to use?
39:07
How it talks to me, you know, like connects.
39:08
Communicates. Communicates, yes.
39:11
So I've got these numbers and they just, it's like, don't
39:13
doubt yourself. The path that you're on is the
39:15
right path. Stop doubting yourself and since
39:18
four years ago I said getting these kind of messages, these
39:20
numbers and every time I decipher them it it tells me
39:24
like even talks about disconfirm it.
39:25
I have this on my arm. It says carp.
39:27
DM on. Your hand.
39:30
On my hand. And then when things were when I
39:32
was really down four years, I didn't know what to do.
39:34
I didn't know where to start. They told me like what happened
39:37
to Carp DM and that message, what happened to this?
39:41
That that, that saying seize the day.
39:42
What happened to it? You know what I mean?
39:44
You're sitting in your ass too long, you know, get up and do
39:46
something. So I tried to do my YouTube
39:48
channel, but I, I couldn't, I couldn't do like this, like
39:52
sitting with you a four years ago.
39:54
I was not ready for it, you know, I wasn't at that level
39:56
yet. I was really down.
39:58
I was like really soaking in that pity stage almost, you
40:01
know, and money was just going outgoing, outgoing out for four
40:05
years. That didn't work.
40:06
Not a single dollar came in. You know what I mean?
40:09
It's just all gone after that. And I was dwelling on I lost
40:12
this. I lost this.
40:13
And they, they could reassure me, you.
40:16
Everything will be come back. There's there's no such thing as
40:18
losing this stuff. You know what I mean?
40:19
Don't worry about losing materials and stuff.
40:22
Focus on your path and your journey.
40:24
Find a skill, go to school. And at that time I'm like, go to
40:27
school. I hate school, you know what I
40:29
mean? It's like there's nothing there
40:31
for me. Why would I want to go to
40:32
school? And that's the problem with the
40:34
school system too. They teach stuff that you don't
40:36
want to learn. Like this is how I see.
40:40
Like why would you want to learn about science?
40:42
Nothing wrong with it, but if you're not going to get into
40:44
that field, why you got to learn about something you don't want
40:46
to do, right? So I wasn't ready for it.
40:51
Like, no, I don't want to learn that skill.
40:52
The school I sat on for four years and and now that I'm
40:56
coming on my show, like this is the first year I felt a shift in
40:58
me. There's a shift going on.
41:00
I don't know what kind of shift it is, but can't explain it.
41:02
But this year I feel upbeat, really, really upbeat.
41:06
Like my energy is it's really up.
41:09
I feel like I'm, I'm, I could be myself more where I'm, I'm
41:12
talking to people. Like the school really helped me
41:15
too. Like I'm.
41:15
Your personality is coming out, yes.
41:17
So I find out these four years, when I thought I was lost, I was
41:22
actually shitting my old self. You can't, you can't come out of
41:26
the you can't come out of the fire if there's no ashes.
41:30
Your old self has to burn down and turn into ashes before you
41:33
could rise again. You know what I mean?
41:35
And that was that process when you felt lost, I was actually
41:38
figuring out who I really was, you know, So it took me 4 years
41:42
to four years of introspection, even where there's a point where
41:46
as I was washing dishes and also my old self, my younger self
41:50
popped in my head. And for that split, whatever
41:53
second, whatever, I forgot I was doing dishes and I, I seen him.
41:57
I was right there by him when he's crying and I told him why
42:01
you crying? And he's like, you know, I hate
42:04
my dad and this and that and he's crying.
42:06
I'm like, don't worry, you're going through this for a reason.
42:10
You know, what you're going through is going to make you
42:11
tougher so you can handle it out there.
42:14
You know what I mean? And at that moment, I just
42:15
bawled like boogers, like, like snot, like just, I never cried
42:19
like that in my life, man. It's just coming out crying out.
42:22
I'm like, where the hell is this coming from?
42:24
It's shedding your old self, you know, really like tell my old,
42:27
my younger self, it's OK. I you forgive.
42:31
I forgive everything. Don't worry about that stuff.
42:33
You know what I mean? I forgive everything that's
42:35
going on. I think that's so important,
42:39
man, is talking to your younger self, right?
42:41
Like a lot of a lot of therapists that I've worked with
42:44
have have gone to that sort of method, modality of, of therapy
42:49
where it's like, yeah, we've all done bad shit, right?
42:52
It's it's all subjective, right? Like, you know, sure, somebody
42:55
could have done worse shit than me and but it's, it's, it's,
42:58
it's, it's how you view it, right?
42:59
Like how I did this thing and it's and it's your relationship
43:03
with yourself as a result of what you did, right?
43:06
So if I, you know, stole something from a grocery store
43:10
and somebody else murdered somebody, right?
43:12
Those are two very different things, obviously viewed by the
43:15
law. But the way I look at at it is
43:18
what matters, right? So if I don't care that I store
43:20
that stole that thing, then it's it's not affecting me, right?
43:23
I'm I didn't do anything bad in my opinion, right?
43:25
But if I'm looking at that every day and like, you're a piece of
43:27
shit, you're fucking, you know, you're robbing and you're
43:30
stealing and you're a bad person, you're a bad person,
43:32
you're a bad person every day, right?
43:34
That starts to affect you over the time.
43:36
And the importance of forgiveness, like it can't be
43:38
understated. You know what I mean?
43:39
Like you have to, to do any sort of transformation.
43:42
There's going to be forgiveness involved, whether it's others
43:45
who have wronged you or yourself, right?
43:48
I'm sure you've been wronged by a lot of people.
43:50
I'm sure you've wronged a lot of people.
43:52
How do you, I guess what I want to know is like, how do you get
43:55
to that stage of, of forgiveness?
43:58
Like how do you look at forgiveness?
43:59
Forgiveness to me comes home experience like it's almost like
44:05
I kind of came into it by accident going through this
44:08
process, right? And it's been shown like
44:12
forgiveness is not even somebody wronged you.
44:15
For instance, when you say I forgive you, you, you're not
44:19
really forgiving that person. You're forgiving yourself to
44:21
unleash you from those burdens that holds you down where you
44:24
can't move forward, anger, anger.
44:28
And you can't forgive somebody for that.
44:30
There's always hold it resentment.
44:32
It holds you back to the past. And and when you don't want to
44:35
be stuck there because at the when you're held in the past,
44:37
you're stuck there, you can't move forward.
44:40
You know what I mean? And it's in it darkens your soul
44:44
to a point where it's like it could be sunny outside, but all
44:46
you see is clouds. You know, your life sucks.
44:48
It sucks. You know, it's like a it's like
44:50
a total bowl full of shit without the flush mechanism.
44:53
You know what I mean? You know it stinks, but all you
44:55
have to do is just close the lid.
44:57
But you all you focus on that flush mechanism and you're like,
45:00
stinks, man. I can't flush it.
45:02
You know what I mean? It's like that.
45:04
Just let go of it. It's like a heavy knapsack you
45:08
wear for years and your shoulders get sunken down.
45:10
It hurts your spine. Now let it go.
45:13
All you do is take it off and you be like, whoa, that's your
45:16
enlightenment. That's your freedom.
45:19
You just freed yourself. So that goes back to saying, you
45:22
know, I forgive you. It's really you forgiving
45:24
yourself. It's OK.
45:26
You know what I mean? That's part of the experience.
45:28
It's OK to let go. Let it go.
45:30
Let it, let them go. Let yourself free.
45:33
Move forward. You know, you don't want that
45:36
kind of burden, man. It's a burden.
45:38
Yeah, resentment is one of my favorite quotes.
45:40
And I always say this, but resentment is like drinking
45:42
poison and hoping the other person dies.
45:44
There you go. You're just like, they're not
45:46
even thinking about you, right? Because for whatever reason,
45:48
they got their own shit going on and they're renting space in
45:51
your head and not paying a cent, right?
45:53
It's just their everyday that shit is just in your head.
45:56
And how are you supposed to let in new ideas and positive
46:00
thoughts when you're just like, those negative thoughts take up
46:03
so much more space too than the positive ones, I find.
46:06
And the positive ones, they come and go a lot quicker.
46:08
Negative ones, they'll just sit in there, right.
46:10
And if you don't to get it out and tell somebody about it.
46:12
Oh, man, I have lots of experience with that, where it's
46:15
just like ruminating and ruminating and room.
46:18
And then it just turns into you're a piece of shit.
46:19
You're a piece of shit, You're bad, you're bad, right?
46:22
And yeah, to your point, it's that's a great analogy.
46:24
I love that this is the the fleshing mechanism.
46:27
All you're focused on is what what's broken when all you have
46:30
to do is close the lid. Love that analogy.
46:31
That's amazing. Stink is gone.
46:33
You know what? I.
46:34
Mean and you can't even see it anymore right it's.
46:37
But it's the powers of mind too, you know, it's, it's the mind is
46:41
what makes you suffer. It could be your greatest tool
46:43
or your worst enemy, you know what I mean?
46:47
So it's, it's, it's almost of the sufferings all in, it starts
46:50
in the head, you know what I mean?
46:52
Everything's attachments to everything.
46:54
It's like I, I, I remember hearing this one guru, he's
46:57
saying we people see life backwards.
46:59
You know how people have materials and they're, so
47:01
they're so appreciative of that. They hold it like it's worth the
47:04
world, right? It's like my wife when she gets
47:06
a bag back then she she loves it so much.
47:10
She she'll hold it. She's like, Oh my God, so
47:12
precious. I don't want to wear it and
47:13
dirty it. We're seeing things backwards.
47:16
That's how you're supposed to see life.
47:18
Life is precious. It's beautiful materials.
47:22
It's just to use, right? Don't fear it.
47:25
You got to use it. It's a tool.
47:26
It's a tool, you know what I mean?
47:29
But people see things backwards. Life is beautiful.
47:31
Everyone comes in this world like, oh you know, folk, social
47:35
media and the media, the news, they're always showing you what
47:38
you don't have, what you lack in life and makes people miserable.
47:42
Focus on what you do have and what you do have.
47:45
I guarantee you there's people out there that will be willing
47:48
to die for it. You know what I mean?
47:50
I appreciate what you have. Humans don't know what they have
47:52
till it's gone, you know what I mean?
47:55
And what you have is special to you is cater to you for your
47:58
journey. Don't compare to other people's
48:01
journey because you're not on the same lane.
48:04
You know, you could have compared yourself to the
48:06
Joneses, but you Joneses have their own problems.
48:09
You know what I mean? And and you're not the Joneses,
48:12
right? A lot of people you, your
48:15
suffering comes from, how do I say the suffering comes from
48:19
your expectations of life? You expect your life to be a
48:22
certain way by the time you're this age.
48:23
And then when it doesn't match what how you think of it is in
48:28
your head, you get depressed and like, I'm a failure this and
48:30
that. No, I don't think like that.
48:33
You know what I mean? Life itself works on divine
48:37
timing. You're at the right place in
48:40
your life right now, even though it doesn't seem like it.
48:44
Your experience is unique. Suffering and hardship is a good
48:47
thing. We're taught that is a bad
48:49
thing. That's how growth happens.
48:51
That's how you learn and you grow as a as a person.
48:54
Your soul grows right. The good times you don't grow
49:00
from, but the good times are rewards for going through the
49:03
bad times or challenging times. I don't like to say bad times,
49:07
they're challenging times. That's the reward you get,
49:11
right? But you got to grow as an
49:13
individual, otherwise you're going to be stale.
49:16
And there's nothing worse than being stale.
49:18
There's somebody, I'm quoting somebody, I don't know who, who
49:20
this is. It said #1 best thing to do,
49:25
it's the right thing. The second best thing to do is
49:27
the wrong thing. The worst thing to do is
49:29
nothing. You know, I don't know who said
49:32
that, but I heard them like, that's good.
49:35
Yeah, I think Tony Sopranos has something similar in the show
49:38
where it's like, yeah, like in action is the worst type of
49:42
thing that you can do, right? Or I'm terribly misquoting that
49:45
or paraphrasing it. But yeah, sometimes sitting on
49:47
your hands is the worst thing you can do.
49:49
Sometimes it's the it's the best thing you can do, right, in
49:52
terms of biting your tongue. And, you know, I have to do that
49:54
a lot, right? Where it's like, hey, maybe I
49:56
don't need to have an opinion about this right now, you know,
49:58
is my opinion. What's my motive here?
50:00
That's that's what I ask myself now is like before I say
50:02
anything or do anything. And I, I'm I fault at this all
50:06
the time, right? I'm still learning.
50:07
But to your point, this is how the growth happens.
50:10
Am I trying to disprove this person to embarrass them?
50:12
Am I trying to feel better about myself by making someone else
50:16
feel bad, right? Like what's my motive here?
50:17
What am I trying to do? Am I trying to put someone down
50:20
or am I actually trying to help, right?
50:21
And sometimes when you try to help, it goes the wrong way too.
50:24
But if you know in your heart that you had the right
50:26
intention, you know, that's freedom to me, right?
50:29
It's it's freeing enough. It's like I tried to do the
50:31
right thing. To your point, we don't always,
50:32
we don't always do know what the right thing is to do either,
50:35
right? And that's why meditation and
50:37
spirituality is so important to me, because sometimes I think
50:40
what the right thing to do it, it ends up being the wrong
50:42
thing. And then it's like, OK, this
50:45
happened. Now I can look back in
50:46
retrospect and be like, yeah, maybe I shouldn't do that again,
50:49
right? Maybe that was not the right
50:50
thing to do at that time. You know, I'm interested in the
50:54
the Reiki Reiki, Reiki Reiki. How can you explain what what
50:59
that is and how you got into it? Yes, this is pretty.
51:01
Yeah. Ever since that I was, I don't
51:04
know, it was awakening or whatever that process I had was
51:07
called. Like, I still have no name for
51:09
it, you know, but whatever was that brought my awareness out,
51:12
right. And, and then I was searching
51:14
for answers. Like I said, I went to psychics
51:17
even though I know the like they're phony, whatever, it's
51:21
just I'm paying them just to talk to them because at that
51:23
time when this happened, I had no one to go turn to.
51:26
I almost lost my family. They thought I was, I lost my
51:29
mind even though I kept reassuring them like I'm still
51:31
me. Like you know me well enough.
51:34
You know what, I'm not crazy, you know what I mean?
51:36
But it like, it sounds crazy, you know?
51:38
But sorry, it's interesting though, that the people closest
51:41
to you, when you, when you make the right decision, like you're
51:44
faced with that adversity of like, Oh no, this is the wrong
51:46
thing for you. And often that happens in our
51:49
lives where when we're on the right path, you get the haters,
51:53
you get the doubt, you get everyone telling you not to do
51:55
it because it's like, it's like this kind of tension and
52:01
adversity and resistance. That's what I was looking for
52:03
resistance towards doing, following your path.
52:06
Right, Sorry, continue. I just.
52:07
I thought that was interesting when.
52:09
You're on your right path and you're in alignment.
52:13
Those who vibe with you will come with you.
52:16
Those who don't, it's going to be left behind.
52:19
You know what I mean is and you will find out you know, like it
52:23
just automatically happen. It's like magnets.
52:26
If you're the same magnet, it's going to push it away.
52:29
You know what I mean? Is that you can't get close
52:30
right? But we're on the verge.
52:32
They do. It was it was real bad, man.
52:35
But I I kept moving forward, you know, like, where do I get
52:38
answers? Like someone like me, They just
52:41
coming off the streets, like who do you talked about this stuff?
52:44
Like where do you go? Right.
52:45
So I went to a few psychics and just talked to them and just to
52:48
talk to them. And that's all there is.
52:50
When I was done, it's like, OK, here's the money.
52:52
Thank you, you know, and just go, you know, and I felt
52:54
lighter, but the same time I didn't get I didn't get my
52:58
answer, you know, and these guys can provide them for four years.
53:02
I never know. Give me that answer.
53:05
I just had to figure it out. You know what's happening to me?
53:08
You know, like it took me 4 years.
53:10
It could have been maybe sooner, but it took me 4 years.
53:14
Sorry, what's the question? Reiki, Reiki.
53:15
Oh, yeah, Reiki. Yeah, I kind of drift off a lot,
53:17
but yeah. But yeah, it's looking through
53:20
the Internet like it's learning about shockers.
53:23
Like these kind of things pop up into my my YouTube channels and
53:28
something like, I'll get it. Yeah.
53:29
So I'm like, what is Reiki? I looked at his energy inside
53:32
you. So I was like, I was reading up
53:34
on all the energy chakras. I'm like, OK, maybe I'm pretty
53:37
low on the on the bottom chakra and the root chakra.
53:40
So I went into a Ricky made appointment with a Ricky master.
53:45
And the first time I went in there, I was kind of like
53:48
uptight. That's kind of protecting
53:49
myself. She she pointed out too, she
53:52
goes, look at your shoulders because I was like, she was,
53:54
you're protecting your heart, you know, because my shoulders
53:57
always like, I was like really closing it in, you know what I
54:00
mean? Like I was moved in.
54:01
Yeah, it's closed off, right, Protecting myself.
54:04
And she did her thing. Anyway, she's talking to me and
54:06
trying to get like, like trying to get to know me better.
54:09
But anyways, after all that talking about me, she, she did
54:12
the, the, the, the, the, the session on me.
54:16
I didn't honestly, when I was done, I was like, she goes, how
54:18
do you feel now? I go, I feel better.
54:20
But really, I didn't feel shit, you know, I go this bullshit,
54:23
Ricky's garbage, you know, I mean the waste of my money.
54:25
Again, just like the psychics, you know what I mean?
54:28
I thought there's nothing that'll help, man.
54:30
Anyways, I was looking through it again.
54:31
I seen learn Ricky. I'm like, well, Ricky doesn't
54:35
work, but maybe she doesn't know what she's doing.
54:37
You know, not every not one-size-fits-all right?
54:40
So I'm not saying she's shit. It's just nothing happened with
54:44
me. There is no connection there,
54:45
right? I didn't feel nothing.
54:47
So anyways, I'll call up this Ricky Master, this lady and it
54:51
says she's also a medium and all that stuff and everything.
54:53
That's like, OK, let's let's book that.
54:55
I won't mind learning it. Maybe if I learn it'll be
54:57
different. So I mean appointment her that
55:01
that couple months later. So I went to see her first time
55:04
I came to see her, I said, oh man, this is going to be just
55:06
kind of like, let's do this, this the next journey, right?
55:10
I walked in, introduced myself, she saw me went upstairs and she
55:14
goes, she goes, close your eyes. I close my eyes, she goes what
55:19
colour do you see? I said OK, there is a colour pop
55:22
in my head, what colour it was yellow and what colour you see
55:27
she was yellow. I'm like what the fuck?
55:30
OK, that's one. And before I went to see her I
55:33
remember I made it to you that night.
55:34
I go guides, ask my guides to make sure that I know she's
55:40
real. Ask her something like let her
55:43
know something about me, you know what I mean?
55:46
Just ask, let her ask a question about me or something that she
55:48
knows about me just so I know it's real.
55:51
But she started looking through the Ricky stuff, like teaching
55:53
me these like where Ricky originated from and all that
55:57
stuff. So we went through all that
55:59
paperwork and you know, like where it came from and who's the
56:02
founder and all that stuff. Then we started doing those
56:05
symbols that comes with Reiki, right?
56:08
So I started writing down their symbols, you know, writing them
56:10
down and she explained what each one does.
56:13
And then she goes, she just stopped.
56:15
She looked at me. She goes, you're a real hard
56:18
worker. But at the moment I, I wish I
56:21
asked them more like, where did I come from?
56:23
But it never crossed my mind at that moment.
56:25
I was just more focused on the words and stuff.
56:28
But anyways, we're just doing it all.
56:31
And then she did my tournament. So the tournament was that I
56:35
closed my eyes. She put the guys there like a
56:37
little shrine. She's doing her chants and
56:40
smudging stuff. She did stuff and and then she
56:43
blew smoke through much. I did something, I don't
56:45
remember man, but something like this and she blew through my
56:47
hand. I'm like, whoa, that was kind of
56:49
like like a cold, cold air coming through my hands right
56:52
when I left, I was like, I just go, I just got hose, you know,
56:57
there goes my money again. I didn't feel nothing and it's
57:00
like I got two men. So what, you know what I mean?
57:03
Had a good talk with her, you know, like expressed a lot of
57:06
things out and all that stuff. But I went home that day.
57:09
I left around 4, something around 7:00 that day of sitting
57:12
watching TV. Awesome.
57:14
My hands are buzzing, man. I'm like, whoa, what the fuck is
57:16
this? It's like, you know, you know,
57:19
the TV, the salt and pepper screens, like it's just
57:21
blackness. Yeah.
57:23
It felt like, oh, then both my palms, I'm like, whoa.
57:25
And it's strong, man. It was like deep inside my hand,
57:28
I'm like, what the fuck did I say?
57:29
I start hearing like high pitched noises.
57:32
I'm like, whoa, what the hell is this?
57:35
You know what I mean? Until now when I meditate, I
57:37
still hear the buzzing and a lot of bird chirping.
57:39
For some reason I hear a lot of birds tripping when there's no
57:42
birds around. It's weird.
57:44
But yeah. Anyways, after that I start
57:48
attuning. I started doing it to myself and
57:50
which it it doesn't work on myself.
57:51
I don't find you know what I mean.
57:52
What? What is that?
57:53
Can you explain it? There's like you, pretty much
57:58
everything is intentions, right? You set intentions before you do
58:01
anything. I like to bless the area,
58:03
cleanse it, but it's intentions what you want and you state your
58:07
intentions and you ask for the beings to help assist you.
58:12
You know, obviously you're beings.
58:14
You you have to say like certain like certain things.
58:16
I'll say is like I call upon past Reiki masters, healers,
58:21
teachers, guides. If you come join me in the
58:24
session with only with guides from the highest light and
58:29
compassion to come join me. Anything dark is is not wanted.
58:33
They can't come in without your, your, your invitations.
58:36
Like people play Ouija boards, the inviting stuff to come in
58:39
all right. But you set your intentions.
58:42
And then it's like, what it what what's in my intention is to
58:44
heal myself. You know, I mean to heal
58:46
negative energy and I do it anyways, but it doesn't work on
58:49
me. And that was it until I started
58:53
asking my my, my oldest son. He's like my knees hurt.
58:55
Can you help me? And I said I want to do Reiki.
58:58
I'll help you Reiki. It took him about a week.
59:00
He's like, you don't want to do it right.
59:02
But after a week it was OK, I'll do it.
59:03
So he sat down. I sit and chin and you know, and
59:05
set intentions. I knocked that bowl, cleanse the
59:08
area I did it from. And while I'm doing it, I could
59:11
feel his legs twitching like he says he could feel it.
59:14
You know, it's just the time I was done.
59:16
He got up. He said.
59:18
He said woah. I was like what?
59:20
Because then it's gone. I'm like, oh, OK, that's pretty
59:23
cool. I did it for my youngest son, my
59:26
youngest son. I did it for him way before I
59:28
knew I did Reiki because I put my hand on his stomach and he's
59:32
just like, whoa, dad, it feels so good.
59:33
His stomach ache is gone. Whatever.
59:37
Anyways, OK, I'm kind of getting all over the place here.
59:39
But I did go back for the second one, become a record
59:43
practitioner and that's when she brought in people for me to do
59:46
Reiki on, practice on. And is the head everyone?
59:50
I do the head don't really feel nothing.
59:51
It's just when I get to the body that's I guess when that's when
59:54
I'm more relaxed. They say the energy is really
59:57
strong and I did it for them. They say the energy is really
1:00:01
strong. I hope they're do a, a yoga
1:00:03
Reiki class. I just volunteered just practice
1:00:07
and they did it and I got feedback from those people.
1:00:09
There she goes. I feel your energy.
1:00:11
You know, that's kind of reassuring me, right?
1:00:14
I'm a neighbor recently, a couple months ago he had what's
1:00:18
that thing called the pancreas. Pancreatic.
1:00:21
Yeah, he took it out. Oh oh.
1:00:23
Fuck. Something that was pancreas on I
1:00:25
can't remember. When they take out your
1:00:28
appendicitis. Appendix, Yeah.
1:00:30
Appendicitis. Yeah, it is.
1:00:32
Somewhere around here. Yeah, they take out your
1:00:33
appendix. Yeah, they took it out.
1:00:34
He's bad shape. He's about to like he was about
1:00:36
to die. He didn't get that surgery.
1:00:38
He was pale. He's down.
1:00:40
And he came up to me and I was like, you know what?
1:00:42
Just, you know, I don't want people in the building think I'm
1:00:45
crazy. So I'm like, listen, I do this
1:00:48
thing called Reiki, you know, it may may not help you, but if you
1:00:53
if you want, I'm more than willing to help you, you know,
1:00:55
and they jump that right away. Yes, you know, So before go give
1:01:00
me a day or so, I'll come over next day I came over, I told
1:01:04
them you don't mean this is what the process is going to be like.
1:01:07
You may or may not feel nothing. If you feel something, it's
1:01:10
normal. You don't feel nothing.
1:01:11
It's also normal, you know what I mean?
1:01:13
You have a face cloth that goes wide.
1:01:15
I got to cover your eyes, man. We can't lock eyes, eyes.
1:01:17
And when we're doing this, you know, it's going to be weird,
1:01:19
you know? I can't look at you guys and be
1:01:21
normal after that, you know? Yeah, I got to see you every
1:01:24
Tuesday or whatever. It's weird, you know, but I told
1:01:27
your family has to go to the other room because I don't want
1:01:29
their energy mixed up and everything, you know?
1:01:32
I mean, so take your phones out, everything low and just just
1:01:35
leave the room. Clear did it.
1:01:37
I did it for him, dude. When I was, the time was done,
1:01:40
probably 25 minutes, half an hour when I was done, man, holy
1:01:45
shit. He was different.
1:01:47
He was different. He got up.
1:01:48
He's even more alive. He's just color in his face goes
1:01:50
whoa. He's more so relaxed.
1:01:53
He's like, that was good, man. You know, his wife came out
1:01:56
afterwards. He looked at him and goes, holy
1:01:57
shit. He goes, yeah, I feel good.
1:02:00
I feel really good. I did it for him two more times,
1:02:03
two more times after that. And I was supposed to do more,
1:02:07
but at that time I thought, I'm going blind faster at that time,
1:02:11
right? I was losing my vision.
1:02:13
I was like, man, could this thing be sucking his energy into
1:02:16
me and it's causing it to speed up?
1:02:20
I wasn't too sure. So I told him that this is the
1:02:22
last session I could do for you. You know what I mean?
1:02:24
Because he knew. But my eyes?
1:02:26
My eye problems. Yeah, what's wrong with your
1:02:27
eyes? Just so people know.
1:02:28
I have a autoimmune. I built an autoimmune disease
1:02:32
just before that incident happened to me, you know what I
1:02:35
mean? I built this autoimmune disease.
1:02:37
They didn't know what it was for a whole year, didn't even know
1:02:40
it was autoimmune. So after found out what it was,
1:02:43
it's called you uveitis and attacks the eyes and it just
1:02:48
really sucks, eats up the eyes, you know what I mean?
1:02:50
But the medications I was on is it it it speed up the cataract
1:02:55
process. So cataracts are just building
1:02:58
up really real fast on me and it was blinding me to a point where
1:03:02
everyone looked like ghosts, you know what I mean?
1:03:03
It's just a blur, right? For a year and a half, brushing
1:03:06
my own teeth, I couldn't see my face, You know what I mean?
1:03:09
So. But I still drove.
1:03:12
I know. I still drove.
1:03:14
How to get food for the family, still do for like, you know,
1:03:16
stuff you need responsibilities, how to take care of it, you
1:03:18
know? So.
1:03:20
But yeah, but, you know, during that I also did lift driving,
1:03:25
you know, because I need to make money somehow.
1:03:27
I had no idea how to make money prior, you know, how to make
1:03:30
money legitimately. I did lift, and I was
1:03:34
embarrassed about that too, because, you know, I used to
1:03:36
look at cab drivers like they're cab drivers, you know?
1:03:39
But that's it. That thing kind of opened my
1:03:41
eyes too. Like you're human, you know?
1:03:43
They're just human just like me, you know?
1:03:45
But the good thing about that lift was I've met a lot of
1:03:48
spiritual people. Now, and you had a lot of
1:03:50
interesting conversations you were telling.
1:03:51
Me very interesting, like these people, like some of them were.
1:03:54
I swear they're knocking goosebumps again.
1:03:56
Some of them, they're human, but they're not human.
1:03:59
I, I swear they're like, guys, let me know.
1:04:01
Like you're moving in the right direction, you know what I mean?
1:04:06
At that time, my, my vision was fading.
1:04:08
I met these people uplifting me, letting me know there's more,
1:04:11
more of me out there. Like they call it like a, what's
1:04:14
that? What's that word?
1:04:17
Light workers, You know, I mean, I checked it up and I was like,
1:04:20
oh shit, there's a lot more of those out there, you know?
1:04:23
Carrying the good energy lights, yeah.
1:04:25
It's just to like help people like it's a new shift happening
1:04:27
now and the shift is like people more aware they're wakening up
1:04:32
the more aware right now and now's the time.
1:04:35
Like I'm ready now, you know, I mean I'm ready to tell my story
1:04:39
of it, you know, letting people know like there is life after
1:04:43
the streets. The street doesn't end there.
1:04:46
You know, there's, there's a lot to go on after that.
1:04:49
Other day I met my other friend like this.
1:04:52
I see him growing up. He sells a lot of drugs.
1:04:55
Just did I think like 3 years came out.
1:04:58
He goes, I don't know what to do man.
1:05:00
You know I can't get a job. I've no experience.
1:05:03
They don't they don't want people that have drug criminal
1:05:06
records. Fuck, what do I do?
1:05:08
You know what I mean? He goes, do I go back to the
1:05:10
streets? You know that.
1:05:11
Do I have to do that again? I go, you got to calm down a
1:05:14
little bit, you know what I mean?
1:05:15
What is it that you want to do? He goes get into construction,
1:05:19
but he goes, I can't get into it right now.
1:05:21
I go, you know what, you just got to breathe a little right
1:05:23
now. You got to focus on what you
1:05:25
have. Don't think about money, this
1:05:27
and this and that. You know, your wife been taking
1:05:29
care of you this whole time. You have kids, your daughters
1:05:31
that you missed for three years, They're growing now.
1:05:34
You know what I mean? They need their daddies there
1:05:36
for support. I go focus on what you have and
1:05:39
use that as a foundation instead of looking at what you don't
1:05:41
have. Because if you look at what you
1:05:43
don't have, your ego's going to drive you right back to the
1:05:46
streets, man. And if something, this is your
1:05:48
second chance, if you fuck this up, your wife's going to leave
1:05:51
you. Your kids are never going to see
1:05:52
you again or see you the same way again.
1:05:55
Why is daddy always leaving us? Right?
1:05:58
And that comes to my point now about families.
1:06:00
Right now, if you, if you have kids out there, pay attention to
1:06:04
your kids, be there for your kids because what they lack at
1:06:07
home, they're going to go looking for it on the streets.
1:06:11
And that's when you find all the wrong things.
1:06:13
I look for a father figure out there and they use you.
1:06:18
You get used up there, you know what I mean?
1:06:21
So what? You lack a home you look for in
1:06:23
the streets, you look elsewhere for it.
1:06:25
I love that, man. Yeah, that's AI think that's
1:06:28
such an important message. I mean, you're proof of it,
1:06:30
right? Like, because, yeah, if I'm not
1:06:32
getting it at home, I'm going to get it somewhere and it's not
1:06:34
going to be in a good place, right?
1:06:36
Because not everybody has our best, best intentions.
1:06:39
Everyone's always looking out for themselves, you know what I
1:06:41
mean? But things change, right?
1:06:44
There's always hope. There's it's never too late in
1:06:46
life unless until you pass away. Yeah, I agree.
1:06:48
As long as you're alive, you can always make that change.
1:06:50
But do you want that change? Forgive yourself.
1:06:53
Let you know yourself know. It's OK, It's OK.
1:06:56
Everything happened. It's OK.
1:06:57
Forgive yourself A move on. You know, what is it that you
1:07:01
really want to do in life? Use the experience.
1:07:04
Yeah. You.
1:07:05
You've been incarcerated. You've been incarcerated for a
1:07:08
reason. You did a lot of bad stuff.
1:07:11
What can you do out there? What can you contribute to
1:07:13
society now? You know, what can you give back
1:07:16
with your experience? There's people going through it.
1:07:19
Exactly what you're going through.
1:07:20
Not just St. stuff, other stuff like recovering addicts or
1:07:24
addictions. Use that.
1:07:27
It's your calling men. Use your experience.
1:07:29
You might have education or that diploma piece of paper, but you
1:07:33
have life experience and that is golden.
1:07:36
To me, that is golden. You can't learn that stuff in
1:07:39
school use it is you went through it for a reason in light
1:07:43
in this life. Yeah.
1:07:44
What do you do with it now? Do you just shove it any to rug
1:07:49
or use it as your power and enlighten people show them
1:07:53
there's another There is a path beyond your that you know.
1:07:56
Yeah, yeah. It's not the end of the world,
1:07:58
man. I love it man.
1:08:01
And you're, you're a fine example of that today, right?
1:08:03
Like somebody needs to hear your message and I'm happy that you
1:08:05
came down because, yeah, I appreciate you, man.
1:08:08
I, I feel a connection towards you and I'm excited to embark on
1:08:12
this, this journey going forward and hopefully, you know, helping
1:08:16
one person at a time, right? That's the goal here.
1:08:18
Same here. I have a lot of respect for you
1:08:19
man. What you're doing too, you know.
1:08:21
Appreciate it. Thank you.
1:08:23
Thanks all. Hey.
1:08:23
No worries brother that. Was awesome.
1:08:25
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1:08:27
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