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What steps help manage conflict? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict is a normal part of being in a relationship, but when you're neurodivergent, conflict can feel like a completely different experience as though it perpetuates worst-case fears.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: It might not just be a matter of disagreeing, it might be a trigger for the nervous system to go into overdrive.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel overwhelmed, shut down, struggle to find the words that you want, become very emotional, need to leave the conversation, or feel like you have to solve everything immediately.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your partner might interpret the reaction as you not caring, avoiding an issue, or refusing to communicate.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the first things I think that we need to understand is a conflict does not necessarily mean the relationship is in danger.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: A disagreement can simply mean two people having different needs, perspectives, memories, expectations, or emotional responses.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: For some neurodivergent people, though, conflicts can trigger a very strong threat response.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of asking things like how do I win this argument, how do I put things right, we need to prompt ourselves with what state is the nervous system in right now because trying to resolve a complicated relationship issue while completely overwhelmed usually makes communication harder.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's also important to learn your own signs of dysregulation.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone's signs can look completely different.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you start talking extremely quickly, maybe you can't find the words that you normally have, maybe you go non-verbal, maybe you start crying, maybe you feel physiological symptoms.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: These are useful signals.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of judging yourself for them, which I think we can do in arguments at the best of times, we're trying to will ourselves out of our reactions rather than responding to them.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: We just need to treat them as information.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, your body might be saying that you need a pause and recognising that early can prevent arguments from escalating.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so, as well, having a pause plan before you need it can really help.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is something I really recommend couples talk about when they're calm.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait until you're in the middle of an argument to decide what a break means.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Agree what you can say.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I want to continue this conversation but I'm becoming overwhelmed.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I need 30 minutes to regulate and I'll be back.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's a difference between taking a regulated pause and disappearing from the conversation, and both can be quite triggering, so it does take a little bit of compromise.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: A pause says I'm overwhelmed, but I'm still committed to responding to this.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you can even agree on a specific phrase that that sort of perpetuates what that means.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I'm not abandoning this conversation, I just need my nervous system to come back online.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So regulation before problem solving is also important because when you're really highly activated, you might technically hear what your partner's saying without actually being able to process it, and that's quite an important thing to navigate.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the most powerful thing that you can do is communicate your needs and let your partner know what you need in order to regulate them so you can resolve conflicts healthily and they don't escalate.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a pause is exactly what allows that conversation to happen differently.