Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #806 You're Always Telling Me What to Do!

Transcript

#806 You're Always Telling Me What to Do! · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, there's just this consistent theme that plays out as
0:14
Speaker 2: we raise our kids, and it all revolves around this
0:16
Speaker 2: idea of us telling our.
0:18
Speaker 3: Kids what to do well and their deep need for autonomy.
0:22
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:25
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:26
Speaker 2: Hello. This is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy
0:28
Speaker 2: Families dot com, dot you and the host, a co
0:30
Speaker 2: host andterning expert of Channel Lin's hit TV show Parental Guidance.
0:33
Speaker 2: I'm here today with my wife and mum to our
0:36
Speaker 2: six children, Kylie, missus Happy Families. Who's just had a
0:41
Speaker 2: haircut and it's feeling a little bit suave today, aren't you.
0:44
Speaker 2: Doesn't it feel good when the hairdresser makes your hair
0:47
Speaker 2: look flash, does his thing.
0:49
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just need a hairdresser in my pocket because
0:51
Speaker 3: I can never get it to look like it does.
0:53
Speaker 2: Say no, that's the worst. It's so frustrating.
0:56
Speaker 3: We wait ten weeks in between my haircut.
1:00
Speaker 2: I know it's a long wait, but you're feeling good
1:03
Speaker 2: and that's the main thing today. We're not going to
1:06
Speaker 2: talk about here, though, we are going to talk about
1:07
Speaker 2: how to help families who are struggling. We've got a
1:10
Speaker 2: question from a listener who's got a five year old
1:12
Speaker 2: who is driving them insane. But before we get there,
1:16
Speaker 2: just a really quick thank you. I want to share
1:20
Speaker 2: a huge thank you to our Happy Families members. Everything
1:22
Speaker 2: that we do here at Happy Families, especially on this podcast,
1:25
Speaker 2: and on our social channels and at the website at
1:28
Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot au, all those things are
1:31
Speaker 2: funded by our members. Like we literally, it takes resources,
1:35
Speaker 2: it takes time, it takes effort, it takes all it
1:38
Speaker 2: takes money, and it's our members who fund that. So
1:41
Speaker 2: I just wanted to do a quick shout out to
1:42
Speaker 2: our Happy Families members. If you are a Happy Families member,
1:45
Speaker 2: thank you for being part of our community. We really
1:47
Speaker 2: appreciate it so much. And if you're not, we hope
1:51
Speaker 2: that you'll consider becoming a Happy Famili's member today. It's
1:55
Speaker 2: just not possible for us to do this work and
1:58
Speaker 2: run this podcast and offer all these resources at no
2:01
Speaker 2: cost without that support. So it's because of our Happy
2:06
Speaker 2: Family's members that you're hearing the podcast. If you would
2:08
Speaker 2: like to become a Happy Family's member, head to Happy
2:10
Speaker 2: Families dot com dot you click on the members link
2:12
Speaker 2: to sign up for a monthly membership. It's eighteen bucks
2:14
Speaker 2: a month to make your family happier. Value eighteen dollars
2:17
Speaker 2: a month, and it makes your family happier and you
2:19
Speaker 2: get loads of support from us to do that. Or
2:22
Speaker 2: you can save by signing up for an annual subscription.
2:24
Speaker 2: You get two months free, it's one hundred and eighty
2:26
Speaker 2: bucks for the entire year. You support the work that
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Speaker 2: we do, you get full access to the membership with
2:31
Speaker 2: no paywalk, and you support your family. So please consider
2:35
Speaker 2: becoming a member today. So Kylie, with my big thanks
2:39
Speaker 2: to our members out of the way, let's talk about
2:42
Speaker 2: this challenge that a mum, Alisha is having when it
2:47
Speaker 2: comes to raising her five year old daughter.
2:50
Speaker 3: I've been listening to your podcast for about twelve months
2:52
Speaker 3: or so and find them really helpful and practical. Thank
2:55
Speaker 3: you the catalyst from my five year old daughter. Mummy,
2:59
Speaker 3: You always what to do that appeared with getting the
3:02
Speaker 3: smallest task done, getting dressed, having a bath, getting out
3:06
Speaker 3: of the bath, etc. Are becoming harder and harder, to
3:09
Speaker 3: the point where over the past couple of weeks there
3:11
Speaker 3: has been more yelling, tears, anger from her and me
3:14
Speaker 3: in our household than I would like. It seems like
3:16
Speaker 3: any request results in her reacting really emotionally and stomping
3:20
Speaker 3: off to her room. This is regardless of how we
3:22
Speaker 3: ask it, kindly, more direct, giving her more time, etc.
3:26
Speaker 3: Now I don't feel like I'm always just telling her
3:28
Speaker 3: what to do, but I guess there are just elements
3:30
Speaker 3: of the day that need to happen and she is
3:32
Speaker 3: feeling like I am. Could this be why she's reacting
3:36
Speaker 3: so much to simple questions and task The last part
3:38
Speaker 3: of this is I'm kind of at my wits end
3:41
Speaker 3: and I feel like I'm just threatening her now with
3:44
Speaker 3: things so she'll comply because I'm so tired and over it.
3:47
Speaker 3: But that's not how I want to parent, and I
3:49
Speaker 3: know it won't get me the outcome or the relationship
3:52
Speaker 3: I want with my daughter. Please help.
3:55
Speaker 2: Being a parent is taxing, isn't it. It's so tiring,
3:58
Speaker 2: and it's one of those things where we we constantly
4:01
Speaker 2: fret and worry, and I really appreciate that people trust
4:05
Speaker 2: us with their questions. Let's have a conversation about this.
4:09
Speaker 2: I love, first of all, this line, Mummy, you always
4:11
Speaker 2: tell me what to do. There will be a version
4:14
Speaker 2: of that at every age of raising a child, Like
4:18
Speaker 2: when they're two or three, it's you can't tell me
4:19
Speaker 2: what to do. You're not the boss of me. When
4:21
Speaker 2: they're five, you always tell me what to do. By
4:23
Speaker 2: the time they become teenagers, it's stop telling me what
4:27
Speaker 2: to do. But there's just this consistent theme that plays
4:31
Speaker 2: out as we raise our kids, and it all revolves
4:33
Speaker 2: around this idea of us telling our kids what to do.
4:37
Speaker 3: Well and their deep need for autonomy.
4:39
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, huge. So a couple of developmental things that
4:42
Speaker 2: we need to talk about. First off, from a developmental
4:44
Speaker 2: point of view, if you are a Happy Famili's member,
4:47
Speaker 2: you hopefully have already had access to and watched the
4:50
Speaker 2: webinar Little People, Big Feelings. If you're dealing with kids
4:53
Speaker 2: whore under about the age of five or six, my
4:55
Speaker 2: strong recommendation is that you get access to that. If
4:57
Speaker 2: you're not already a Happy Family's member, you can buy
4:59
Speaker 2: it in the store, but become a member and you
5:01
Speaker 2: get it for half price, plus access to everything as well,
5:04
Speaker 2: and you get to support the work that we're doing.
5:06
Speaker 2: But Little People Big Feelings, there's one element of that
5:09
Speaker 2: that I talk about. It's this thing called theory of mind,
5:11
Speaker 2: and it explains so much of what's going on with
5:14
Speaker 2: Alisha's five year old daughter. And theory of mine is
5:17
Speaker 2: basically you know that thing, Kylie, where let's say you
5:21
Speaker 2: and I are having a conversation, We're sitting on the
5:23
Speaker 2: front porch, We're enjoying the quiet afternoon. My phone rings,
5:28
Speaker 2: so I jump up and say, I'll be right back, Honey,
5:30
Speaker 2: I've just got to take this court. It's a really
5:31
Speaker 2: important Why do I promise I'll be back in a
5:32
Speaker 2: sec and I walk out into the yard and start chatting.
5:35
Speaker 2: Because you're such a practical joker, you decide that while
5:39
Speaker 2: I'm on the phone, you're going to grab my drink
5:41
Speaker 2: and move it from where I left it on the
5:44
Speaker 2: table and go and put it inside on the dining
5:47
Speaker 2: table because I don't know, you just want to play
5:50
Speaker 2: a joke on me. Now, when I come back from
5:52
Speaker 2: my conversation with this person on the phone, where will
5:55
Speaker 2: I look for my drink.
5:57
Speaker 3: On the table where you left it?
5:59
Speaker 2: Obviously, any adult that I asked that question of looks
6:03
Speaker 2: at me like I'm a weirdo, Like as if you'd
6:05
Speaker 2: asked that question. But if you ask a child who's
6:06
Speaker 2: under about the age of five, where I would look.
6:08
Speaker 3: For the drink, they'll tell you it's where they put it.
6:11
Speaker 2: That's right. They'll say, well, it's on the table, and
6:14
Speaker 2: that's where I'm going to look for it at the
6:15
Speaker 2: table inside because the child knows that that's where it is,
6:19
Speaker 2: and therefore the child thinks that everybody knows what's going
6:23
Speaker 2: on in their mind. They don't have a theory of mind.
6:26
Speaker 2: I guess it's a fancy psychological way of saying the
6:29
Speaker 2: ability to take the perspective of another person recognize that
6:32
Speaker 2: their world and what's happening in the world of their
6:34
Speaker 2: mind is different to what's happening in the world of
6:36
Speaker 2: my mind. And it helps to explain a whole lot
6:39
Speaker 2: of why our kids at that age are struggling with
6:43
Speaker 2: these big emotions, these big tantrums. Everything makes sense and
6:46
Speaker 2: suddenly it doesn't. I'm watching my TV show, I'm playing
6:48
Speaker 2: with my dolls on my lego, or I'm riding my bike.
6:51
Speaker 2: I'm doing this thing that's important to me. I'm painting,
6:53
Speaker 2: or I'm drawing, or I'm reading, And now the adult
6:55
Speaker 2: in my life has come in and told me that
6:57
Speaker 2: I have to put my shoes on and get in
6:58
Speaker 2: the car, souse, I have to go to school. I
6:59
Speaker 2: don't want to do that. And it's kind of an
7:01
Speaker 2: egocentrism thing where they just don't get that you've got
7:06
Speaker 2: a life to live. I remember, this is a terribly
7:09
Speaker 2: embarrassing thing to share. But I remember as a teenager
7:11
Speaker 2: I blew up at my mum one time because she
7:13
Speaker 2: wouldn't let me do do something that was really important
7:15
Speaker 2: to me. And as a fourteen year old, full of
7:17
Speaker 2: righteous indignation, I screamed from the clothes line to the laundry,
7:22
Speaker 2: which is where mum was. I was the clothes line,
7:24
Speaker 2: she was the laundry, and I screamed, I've got a
7:26
Speaker 2: life too. You know, I've got things that are important
7:28
Speaker 2: to me. You don't understand, you don't get how important
7:31
Speaker 2: these things are. And I really sort of got stuck
7:33
Speaker 2: into her. And I still remember Mum standing at that
7:35
Speaker 2: laundry and saying, Oh, you've got a life. You have
7:38
Speaker 2: a life. Here's my mum. She's running three businesses, she's
7:41
Speaker 2: raising six children, two sets of twins. Her life is
7:44
Speaker 2: so full, and I'm having this little selfish me me
7:48
Speaker 2: me moment because I didn't. I was too egocentric. My
7:52
Speaker 2: theory of mind as an adolescent boy was not well developed.
7:58
Speaker 2: But it's even less well developed when our kids four
8:00
Speaker 2: and five and three. So that's the first big developmental
8:04
Speaker 2: reality that we're dealing with that helps to explain why
8:06
Speaker 2: we've got this kiddo who's just losing it. The second one,
8:12
Speaker 2: and it's so huge you actually started us off with it,
8:15
Speaker 2: is this basic need for autonomy.
8:19
Speaker 3: Our kids want to believe that they have controlled They.
8:23
Speaker 2: I just want to believe. They need to actually believe
8:28
Speaker 2: they need to actually have some control. They really really do. Yeah,
8:32
Speaker 2: I mean part of its perspective and perception, but you're right,
8:35
Speaker 2: they've got to have that sense of autonomy. You know.
8:38
Speaker 3: When our youngest came along, it wasn't too far into
8:43
Speaker 3: her development that I realized very quickly that she, of
8:48
Speaker 3: all of our children, needed that sense of autonomy. Yeah,
8:53
Speaker 3: and I had to learn a different way of parenting
8:57
Speaker 3: with her. And as she's grown, the older kids have
9:01
Speaker 3: actually from time to time accused me of letting her
9:03
Speaker 3: get away with everything because they recognize that I do
9:07
Speaker 3: things very differently with her. The challenge I have is
9:11
Speaker 3: if I don't do things differently with her, all hell
9:13
Speaker 3: breaks loose, probably a little bit like this, mum.
9:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, So the technical term for all hell breaks loose
9:18
Speaker 2: is reactants. It's called psychological reactors. All hell breaks loose
9:21
Speaker 2: makes a little more sense though, right. It's just massive
9:24
Speaker 2: blow ups and massive reactivity over everything. Yeah, everything.
9:29
Speaker 3: And so for me, it was coming up with ways
9:33
Speaker 3: that I could actually achieve the outcome that needed to
9:36
Speaker 3: happen in the moment, but in a way that allowed
9:39
Speaker 3: Emily to feel like she actually was making the choice
9:42
Speaker 3: for herself. So I guess a concrete example of that
9:46
Speaker 3: is we need to leave a house.
9:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, And I think this is what Alisha's saying, like,
9:50
Speaker 2: sometimes we do have to be in places. There are
9:54
Speaker 2: things that have to be done getting ready for the
9:56
Speaker 2: day or going to bed or eating dinner, like stuff
9:58
Speaker 2: has to happen.
10:00
Speaker 3: And so with Emily, I needed to give her more
10:02
Speaker 3: lead time so that she understood that something was happening.
10:06
Speaker 3: So it takes a little bit more I guess mental effort, yeah,
10:10
Speaker 3: as a parent to prepare a child in that situation,
10:14
Speaker 3: Because for me, I know what needs to happen, and
10:17
Speaker 3: so I busy myself, and then when the time comes,
10:19
Speaker 3: I can get up and I can leave.
10:21
Speaker 2: This is so important I need to interrupt you on
10:23
Speaker 2: what you've said. There are three things that I have
10:25
Speaker 2: to extract from what you've said before we actually get
10:27
Speaker 2: to the solution. You're talking about the importance of transitions,
10:31
Speaker 2: but as part of that, you're talking about how in
10:34
Speaker 2: your mind it's so crystal clear, and the fact that
10:36
Speaker 2: you've put a chart on the door that says these
10:39
Speaker 2: four or five things have to happen. You think, as
10:41
Speaker 2: an adult that is going to be crystal clear in
10:43
Speaker 2: the minds of the child, But it's not. They don't
10:45
Speaker 2: perceive time the same way. They don't perceive priorities and
10:48
Speaker 2: agendas the same way. So while it's so clear for you,
10:51
Speaker 2: it is not for them. No matter how many times
10:53
Speaker 2: you explain it to them. It takes them a long
10:55
Speaker 2: time to figure this out. Their brains work differently. You
10:58
Speaker 2: think about how long it takes learn how to tie
11:00
Speaker 2: their shoelacers or brush their teeth or write their name.
11:04
Speaker 2: To go through the complicated process of getting ready and
11:07
Speaker 2: getting out the door in the morning, it's actually a
11:10
Speaker 2: kind of a big deal. So Number one, you've got
11:12
Speaker 2: the transition. Number two, you've got that theory of mind.
11:15
Speaker 2: And number three you didn't use this word, but I
11:18
Speaker 2: think that it's the right word to use. There's got
11:20
Speaker 2: to be margin, Like there has to be a sense
11:23
Speaker 2: that this is not rushed, because the more rush there is,
11:26
Speaker 2: the more pressure there is, the more hurry up there
11:28
Speaker 2: is in the less l o vee there is, because
11:30
Speaker 2: the less tim.
11:32
Speaker 3: Well they're, the less autonomy they feel they have.
11:33
Speaker 2: That's right, because we're just we're rushing them and hurrying the.
11:36
Speaker 3: Most creates resistance. They feel forced into doing something that
11:39
Speaker 3: they don't actually want to do. I don't want to
11:40
Speaker 3: leave the house. Yeah, yeah, this is not on my
11:42
Speaker 3: race nine, even as a nine year old, I don't
11:44
Speaker 3: want She doesn't want to go on holidays. Yeah, like
11:47
Speaker 3: I don't want to leave the house. I'm actually quite
11:50
Speaker 3: happy here when we go on holidays. We have a
11:52
Speaker 3: lot of fun together. But she misses her bit, she
11:55
Speaker 3: misses her animals, she misses her toys. There's so much
11:59
Speaker 3: to you know, kind of take in, and so from
12:00
Speaker 3: her perspective, we're just messing everything up.
12:03
Speaker 2: Well, from a kid's perspective, the world, Actually I'm sounding
12:06
Speaker 2: really crassy. But what really sucks because they don't get
12:09
Speaker 2: to be in the moment enough. They don't get to play,
12:11
Speaker 2: they don't get to explore, they don't get to be kids.
12:14
Speaker 2: And you can hear it again in Alisha's email. She's saying,
12:18
Speaker 2: I want to be the parent who builds that relationship
12:23
Speaker 2: and lets her have that childhood. That's what she's saying.
12:26
Speaker 2: But life is getting in the way. Life is not
12:28
Speaker 2: fair when it comes to kids. Creating that margin, stepping
12:32
Speaker 2: through the agenda bit by working on transitions. Those three
12:35
Speaker 2: things that you've already mentioned. I just think they're so
12:38
Speaker 2: so important and it helps us to be gentle even
12:42
Speaker 2: when an agenda is necessary. So let's get really concrete,
12:48
Speaker 2: like this is the whole thing. Where we talk about kids,
12:50
Speaker 2: we say, oh, you know, they're five years old going
12:52
Speaker 2: on twenty five. Because they want their autonomy. They want
12:55
Speaker 2: to make their own decisions. It's natural and healthy. In fact,
12:58
Speaker 2: if your child didn't want to, I might actually be
13:00
Speaker 2: a little bit worried about that. Well, they're also.
13:03
Speaker 3: Really good at articulating what they want. Yes, as we
13:05
Speaker 3: get older, we actually get less inclined to articulate the
13:09
Speaker 3: things that we need and want in our lives. But
13:11
Speaker 3: as young kids, we're really good at saying, actually, I
13:13
Speaker 3: don't want to do that, right, you know, And as
13:16
Speaker 3: parents we kind of go hang on a sec I'm
13:17
Speaker 3: the adult in the room, and I should be able
13:20
Speaker 3: to make the decisions around here. But as children, they're
13:23
Speaker 3: just they're so good at telling you what they need
13:25
Speaker 3: and what they want.
13:26
Speaker 2: Yeah, they just don't often do it in a way
13:28
Speaker 2: that we want to hear it. They're going to be
13:30
Speaker 2: a bit clumsy, to say the least, sometimes even worse.
13:33
Speaker 2: So let's talk about one or two really simple strategies
13:37
Speaker 2: that we've employed with our own kids and see if
13:39
Speaker 2: we can get really concrete, really practical for Alesia.
13:43
Speaker 3: So the first thing is actually after the fact, when
13:46
Speaker 3: we have these challenging days. One of the best things
13:48
Speaker 3: that I found to work with Emily was to sit
13:52
Speaker 3: down with her at the end of the day once
13:54
Speaker 3: things were cars.
13:54
Speaker 2: I love her saying was like past tens like you
13:57
Speaker 2: mean just three days ago, right.
14:00
Speaker 3: When things are calm, I can actually sit there and
14:03
Speaker 3: we can have these amazing moments of snuggles and cuddles
14:06
Speaker 3: and just really beautiful connection time. And in that moment
14:10
Speaker 3: I can talk to her about how today was a
14:13
Speaker 3: little bit rough and things didn't go the way that
14:16
Speaker 3: I wanted them to and we got a little bit
14:17
Speaker 3: cranky at you and you got to really upset. Can
14:20
Speaker 3: you tell me a bit more about that? And so
14:22
Speaker 3: we explore how it felt for her and what it
14:25
Speaker 3: was that upset her or what I did that I
14:28
Speaker 3: wish I could have changed, And in that process we
14:31
Speaker 3: can then talk about the things that we'd like to
14:33
Speaker 3: do next time. And I'm going to have to have
14:35
Speaker 3: that conversation with her another hundred times or more a thousand.
14:43
Speaker 2: Give people, hope, give people.
14:45
Speaker 3: But the reality is, if my goal is to build
14:49
Speaker 3: a relationship with her, then it's going to be in
14:51
Speaker 3: those moments that the relationship is going to build. And
14:55
Speaker 3: as I do that moments of connection. Yeah, as I
14:58
Speaker 3: have those moments of connection, I continue to help her
15:04
Speaker 3: to grow and allow her then the opportunity to utilize
15:08
Speaker 3: her autonomy more.
15:09
Speaker 2: Something else that I love that I've learned from you.
15:11
Speaker 2: I know that I'm the pairing expert, and I've actually
15:13
Speaker 2: talked about the stuff in workshops, but I had never
15:15
Speaker 2: done it. You actually have, and that is that if
15:18
Speaker 2: she doesn't want to get ready. There are days where
15:21
Speaker 2: you've said, all right, well, let's just jump in the
15:22
Speaker 2: car and we'll go for a drive, and I'll bring
15:24
Speaker 2: this stuff and we'll see how you're feeling when we
15:26
Speaker 2: get there. And so you've many times put her in
15:28
Speaker 2: the car in her pajamas with crazy hair and thrown
15:32
Speaker 2: some food in that is suitable for breakfast that she
15:34
Speaker 2: can eat while you're driving, and when you get to school,
15:36
Speaker 2: suddenly she's like, yeah, I can't get out of the
15:38
Speaker 2: car until I've got my uniform on, And so you
15:40
Speaker 2: will dress her in the school car park and get
15:42
Speaker 2: her off to school that way. It's not ideal, like
15:44
Speaker 2: it's not what we would say is the perfect picture
15:50
Speaker 2: of what a morning should look like, but actually it
15:52
Speaker 2: is ideal from the point of view that she's there,
15:54
Speaker 2: she's happy to be there, and there's been a stress
15:58
Speaker 2: free process. It made it happen.
16:02
Speaker 3: In reality, some of those mornings feel awful. She's really upset.
16:07
Speaker 3: But the way that we get through those challenges by
16:10
Speaker 3: not catching her emotion. So she'll often be screaming at
16:14
Speaker 3: me and tell me she doesn't want to leave the
16:15
Speaker 3: house and she definitely doesn't want to go to school.
16:17
Speaker 3: And my response to her is, I know I wish
16:19
Speaker 3: you could stay home, but right now I have to
16:21
Speaker 3: get your big sisters to school, So could you please
16:23
Speaker 3: get in the car in your pajamas and we'll take
16:26
Speaker 3: your sisters to school. So I take out the pressure
16:30
Speaker 3: that she's feeling to actually go to school, and in
16:35
Speaker 3: the process of doing that, it allows her time because
16:39
Speaker 3: that's what she needs. She just needs time. So she
16:42
Speaker 3: gets into the car with her favorite book and she'll
16:44
Speaker 3: read for five or ten minutes. Me and the girls
16:46
Speaker 3: will either be having a conversation, listening to the morning podcast,
16:49
Speaker 3: or putting some high energy music on to get us
16:52
Speaker 3: all vibed for the day, And in that process it
16:56
Speaker 3: allows her the time to calm down, to regulate herself,
17:00
Speaker 3: and inevitably, more times than not, we actually get to
17:03
Speaker 3: school and she's fully dressed and ready to go, and
17:06
Speaker 3: there isn't even an acknowledgment that it's been a hard morning.
17:08
Speaker 3: She gives me a kiss and a cuddle and says,
17:10
Speaker 3: I'll see you this afternoon.
17:10
Speaker 2: Month we need to wrap this up, but I think
17:13
Speaker 2: it's probably worth highlighting one more thing, and I want
17:15
Speaker 2: to go back to that conversation. The explore, explain in
17:18
Speaker 2: power conversation when we're talking with our child about out
17:21
Speaker 2: of the moment, about what happened this morning, what happened yesterday,
17:24
Speaker 2: or what happened on the other day. Let's it's the
17:26
Speaker 2: weekend and we're having the conversation now. I think there's
17:29
Speaker 2: also tremendous value in saying this doesn't happen all the time.
17:31
Speaker 2: They would only happen sometimes. Can you think of the
17:33
Speaker 2: times where we get it right? Like you want to
17:35
Speaker 2: celebrate the successes. You want to share the stories where
17:38
Speaker 2: everything worked really well yesterday or the day before, because
17:42
Speaker 2: and unpack why. As the kids recognize that they are
17:45
Speaker 2: confident and capable, as they recognize that they have some
17:48
Speaker 2: say in how this is all going to work out,
17:50
Speaker 2: they tend to go I think a lot better. I
17:53
Speaker 2: just think that they tend to go a lot better.
17:56
Speaker 3: I had this really wonderful conversation with my parents the
17:58
Speaker 3: other week. They had the children for a few days,
18:01
Speaker 3: and they obviously parent different to us and have really
18:05
Speaker 3: really struggled to allow Emily the autonomy that we strive
18:09
Speaker 3: to give her, and as a result, it can be
18:12
Speaker 3: really really challenging. And so I'm sure my parents would
18:16
Speaker 3: probably say there have been times where they've actually dreaded
18:19
Speaker 3: having to look after Emily for any extended period of
18:22
Speaker 3: time because her emotions are big. So this last week
18:26
Speaker 3: they had her for a few days over the holidays,
18:28
Speaker 3: and both Mum and dad came to me independently at
18:31
Speaker 3: different times of the conversation to just tell me what
18:34
Speaker 3: a delight it was to have her there. Part of
18:38
Speaker 3: that reality is developmental. Emily's nine now, she's not five
18:43
Speaker 3: or six, and she is getting this. But secondly, they
18:47
Speaker 3: are learning the art of supporting her autonomy and it
18:53
Speaker 3: is making such a difference to not only Emily, but
18:56
Speaker 3: the relationship that she now has with her grandparents.
19:00
Speaker 2: Well, we really hope Elisha, that this has been helpful.
19:02
Speaker 2: Once again, a huge thank you to our Happy Family's
19:04
Speaker 2: members who support the podcast and all the work that
19:06
Speaker 2: we do. If you're not a member, please check it
19:08
Speaker 2: out at Happy families dot com dot au. The Happy
19:10
Speaker 2: Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
19:13
Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer and for more information
19:16
Speaker 2: about making your family happier and becoming a Happy Families
19:18
Speaker 2: Men today, head to Happy Families dot com dot au,